Slit f orrat $tjroMiin.
13 I'UBUsny) EVERY WEU5KBDAT, Br
w. n. DUNN.
OrriCZ II? ROBINSON & TONNEK'B BHILDINa,
ELM BTREET, TIONESTA, FA.
Ti'.UMS, fl.W A YKAR.
No Snhseriptlniii racalvsd fr aalJy
jpurlod than thiao moaAha.
flprrcspnndciff'a iolU-lted from nit parts
of the country. No notice will bo takon of
unnonyinoiii communications.
Rates of Advertising.
One H.pini i; (I inch,) ope liicrtion . $1 .V
Hie Scpiiiro " one month - - on
Due Squnru " Unite months - 0 K
One Square " one year - - 10 W
Tw o Kquv.r4.rt, one yeui' r l."i 00
l.ni-lltiM l'ol. .... ; (H)
" M 00
lino " ' - - - - 100 00
I . e'al notices al csl, tbl islied rates.
M.-irria-c and death notices, u'latis.
All bills lor yearly advertisements col
lected quarterly. Temporary advertise
ments iiitiMi, be paid tor in advance.
.lob work, Cie I) on Dclivci v.
VOL. V. ISO. 41.
TIONESTA, PA., JANUARY, 22 1873.
$2 PKU ANNUM.
9 -
BUSINESS DIRECTORY.
TIONESTA LODGE
V&'i&Szt I. O. of O. Ii
MKF.TS every Thursday evening, at 1
o'clock, iii'ilM'llull liirmerly occupied
Hy the Good Templars.
M. ITT13L, f. ft,
AV. K. DUNN, SoeW. 87-tf.
Samuel D.. In in,
A TTOUNKy.CiW'KHia.I.OIl AT LAW
l.cind
Foiisiufess ii!njUy attended to.
Tioncxla,
Urt.
40-ly.
. agaTop PHTTIS.
MIl.Ktf W. TATS.
PJtTTIS & TAT K.,
ATTORNEYS AT W,
jthn trM, TIOXESrA, PA
"VT. W. Kmc i, , Oiwm 1. J.iii,
BrMivlu. r.
Mason & Jenks,
A TTOHNF.YS AT LAW. Olnce on Kim
l . Street, above Walnut, Tionesta,
W. P. MercllUott,
ATTOIINKY A COlTNSF.LOU AT LAW
Tionesta, Pa. Olllee on Klin Ntreet,
The professional service of Uio Hon. W.
P. Johnson Tan bo secured t li roiiirli mf If
-jiaairoo in any niniuess ciiiruwieii m ine in
Foreet Co. Corieetions promptly attended
to. Also ileal I'.slato Auiil.
F. W. Maya,
A TTOKNKY AT LAW. and Notary
JT Pl'UI.IC, Keyiiolds llnkill A Co.'a
Jllock, enoca Uly, J';. B'J-iy
George F. Davenport,
ATTOUNF.Y AT LAW. Special attnn.
Hon iriven to tio inveNtipitionof Land
Titles, Conveyancing und Collections in
Yenanvo, Claw ford and adjacent counlio.
All business inoiiiiiilv nttvudcd to. No. H
jucrcaumo isiocki xi cn.v, i a. aw-iy
r. Ki.vMt.vn. '
X. II. HM1LUT.
iCA'.VK.VAr SMILEY,
Attorneys at Law, - - - Franklin, Pa.
1JPACTICH tu the arvoral Court of Vo
nniifro, Crawford, Forest, and adjoin
lug counties. 8'J-ly
). H. nARMl, U. D. PAMKTT,
1IAHUIS C FASSETT,
Attorneys at Law, Tltasvtlla Penn'a.
PBACTICr. In all tlio Courts of Warren
Crawford, Forest and Venango Conn.
4V-tr
VllYSIVIA SS l SVKUEOSS.
J. WIHAN3, 11. D., and J, E. BLAINE, M. B.
llavimr entered into n eo-pnrtnorslilp, nil
in IN, ni-IK or day, will receive iimncdiiito
nt ten t i"n. otlice at residence of Dr. Wi-
iiatlH. Kim St., Tionrsta, Ta. al-ly
tarles B. Ans.irt,
PF.NTIST, ontro Strwt, Oil City, l'a
InSiinoiin' lSlook.
Lawrcrco House(
7 M. LAWUKNCK. I'koi-mktor. This
t) liuiiKn Ii:m (iinI Iipimi oiini'd tn the
pulillc amUilic fiirniliiro and litiinirM nr
all new. HiieslH will Lo well onterliiiniil
at rt,.i'oiiHl'! ratoM. Is Mtimtcd on I'.m St
DppoHlto Supurior Liimlior Co. Ulorc, 5'Jly
Tionta'.a Housa.
MirriCL, l'ropiletor, K!n St. Tio
nmla, l'a., at tlio iiiouth of llm creok
Mr. J til o hu liioriiuslily renovatcit Uio
'I ionta I louse, and ru-fui iiiMliod It coin
flttely. All who patroni.n liiin will lie
well uutortainuU at icanonaljlo rates. -U Iv
FOREST HOUSK,
Tt KLACIC 1'KoriUKTOK. f(ppolte
J Court llouso, Tionesta, Ta. Just
prned. ICvervthinu; nnw and Wan and
ah. Tin) best of liiiunra keiit nonstanlly
sn hand. A portion ofllm public purnin-
.ace Is reapoullully aollciteil. 4-17-1 V
A, Scott House,
yAOCXDUS, TA., K, A. UoliortH, Pro
X prietor. This ho'el Ims br raeontly
rra-turnlMliivl ami now oUuin auprlor aC'
iBimmoilations to kik.. Ib-ly,
Dr. J. L. Acorrb,
DMYSICIAN AND KUltOKOX, who ha
X had hfloen years' experience in a lare
ann aiicepHsrul praeiica, will attemt nil
Vrofraaioniil Calls. Olllin in hid Drujr and
Urocery Store, loraieu li 1 liHMi' uuar
Tldioute Iloiaie.
IN UIS KXiMIE WILL BH FOUND
A full asHorleTiout of Meiliciuos, Liipiora
TobaciH). Ciitara. Stationery, Olass. l'aiuts,
Oll, Cutlery, and Dun liroeerica, all of Hie
iimtl quality, and will be aujii tit reasonable
rates.
il. U. BITUtlESS, an experienced DriiR
Rtxlfroiu New York, has ciiarue of the
tior. All prefijtion put up accurately,
jl a. kit. jiiu. r. taiik. a. a. khuv
MA Y, PA UK .0 CO.,
.Curner of Kim A Walnut Sis. Tionesta.
Bank of Discount and Ueposit.
Interost allowod on Tiino Iieposita.
dOolUetlous uiadeonall tliePrincipul points
of the U. 8.
Colltfcttons koiicitud.
1I8-I y.
.JttO. A. D11.R. Ftll. X T- PALK, CtMlil.r.
SAVINGS BANK,
Tionesta, Foittdt Co,, l'a.
.
This Hank transact.') General Ituuking,
IkilliM-tiii uiid Kxi'haue l!i(i:uw,
Dralts on. tlio Principal Ciiiu4 of the
.Villus I States and F.urope lioUL'ht and sold.
(iolil and Silver Coin and tiovernineut
KucuritieM boiiuht and sold. 7-'M itonds
m verted on the moat favorable tonus.
'J iitoront allowed on tiiuu depoBils,
I liar. 4, tt.
TEN ;EYCK & VANDEHSAAL
WHOI,ESAt,K A tlKTAIt.
CONFECTION E ItfJ.
STORE: No. 3 Sonth Seneca Street,
tf EXT DOOR TO TOST OTTtCK.
JIAJUFACTORT: Ko. 88 North Srncta Street,
31-i OIL CITY PIONN'A.
D. W. CLARK,
(COIISSIOSKR'S f'LKRK, FOBKST CO., PA.)
1&2AL ESTATE AGENT.
II
Ol!SEnnd Lots for Sale and IlliN
T.
Wild Lainla for Sale,
I haro suneilor faflllties for ascertaining
flic eoirUHioij of taxes ami tax deed, l-e.,
and nin therefore qualified to act intelli
gently as nircnt of thoNn livini; at a dis
tance, owning lands in tlio county.
Olllco In Cmiitnlssloiiors Itoom, Court
House, Tionesta, Pa,
4-41.1y. D, W, CLAHIC.
IVcw Hoard In"; House.
MHS. H. S. HVLINtJS has built a lararo
addition to her linuso, and is now pre
pared to accommodate a number of perma
nent hoarder, and-all transient ones who
may favor her with their patronaire. A
Itood Htalilu has recently been built to ac
(lonimodate the horses of (fuests. Charges
reaspiiable. rtesidoiu u (.u l,lin St., oppo
site S. Haslet' Mora. -1-ly
A. II. PARTRIDGE,
ikai.i:u IN
CHAMUKK SV1TS, SOFAS, T A 151, F.N,
CllAIKS, It K 1 1ST FADS, MAT
TUKSSKS, LOl'NiiliS,
SlitlNtl HEDS,
AC, AC,
FItA3IlSU VtVTUKKS,
A MrKCIAI.TT,
Has n.larro varioty of Mouldinir of all
kinds. iid will frame to enter ull pictures
brought to him in iiiiy style to suit ensto
n.ers. HiHiins In second story of Itonner Jt Mo
Kay's new building, F.lm St., Tionesta,
Pa. :'.i-:tm
CEHTKK STKEKT, OIL CITY. l'A.,
BOOKS,
STATION EltY,
FANCY GOODS,
TWINKS,
TOYS, INKS,
WIIOI.EHAI.E ANII HKTAU..
Books, Newspapors end Magezinos
MAILKD TO ANY ADDUESH
At publishers rates.
3!-ly
GROCERY AND PROVISION STORE
IX TIONESTA.
GEO. W. BOVARD & CO.
HAVE Just brought on a complete and
carefully selected Block of
1'LOUR,
GROCERIES,
PROVISIONS,
and everything neossary to the complete
stock ofa first-clasiroccrv I louse, which
they have opened out t their establish
ment on Elm St., first door north of M. L.
Church.
TEAS
COFFEES, ' SUGAKS,
SYRUPS, FRUITS,
bPICES,
HAMS, LAUD,
A NO MO 'J.SIOXS Of A L I. KIX1) I,
at tlio lowest cash prices, floods warrant
ed to bo of tho best qunlity. Call and ex
amine, and we believe we can suit von.
GEO. W, UOVAUD A CO.
Jan. 9, 7i.
ONFECTIONARIEg
J AS. Mf'KAY, at tho Post Cilice, has
opened out a choice lot of
COXtECTl OX A li IKS,
CAXXED FJIUITS,
1 0VA CCOS,
CIGARS, AX J)
NOTIONS OF ALL KINDS.
A portion of the patronage of tho public
is roKspectfully solicited.
4(Mf J A3. M, McKAY.
now i Iumi'w.mi m:ii mu.ed in a
I Dl!:!..
BY MAitK TW1AS.
The only merit I claim for tlio fol
lowing narrative is that it is a true
story. It hits a moral nt the end of it,
but I claim nothing on that, na it is
merely thrown in to carry favor with
the religions element.
After 1 litnl reported a couple of
yenrs on the Virginia City (Nevada)
Enlcrprhc they promoted mo to bo editor-in-chief
ami I lasted just a week,
by the wntcli. Jiut I lundc an uncom
monly live newspaper while Idid last,
and when I retired I Jmd a duel on
my hands, and three horse-whippings
promised mo. The latter I made no
attempt to collect ; however, this his
tory concerns only the former. It was
theuld "JJush times" of tho silver ex
citement, when the population was
wonderfully wild and mixed ; every
body went armed to tho teeth, and nil
slights and insults had to bo atoned
fur with the best article of blond your
system could furnish. In tho course
of my editing niiido I tioublo with a
'Mr. Lord, editor of tho rival paper.
Ho Hew ti) about sonic littlo Irillo or
other thuti I said about him 1 do not
remember what it was. I suppose I
called him a theif, or body-Buatcher,
or an idiot, r something like that. I
was obliged to make tho paper reada
ble, and I could not fail in my duly
to a tt hnle community of inibf-eribers
merely to 83VO the exaggerated sensi
tiveness of aji individual. IMr. Lord
wan offended, anil replied vigorously
in his paper. Vigorously means a
great deal when it refers to n permm
al editorial in a frontier nuw paper.
Duelling was all the fashion among
the upper classes in that country, and
very lew gentlemen would have thrown
awav an opportunity ol lihtitiK one.
To kill a person in a thiol caused a
man to bo more looked up to that) to
kill two men in tho ordiuurv way
Well, out thu.'e, if yen abused a man,
and that man did not like it, you had
to call htii) out and kill in in; other
wise you would bo disgraced. So I
challenged Mr. Lord, and I did hope
lie would not accept; hut 1 knew per
feclly well that lie did not want to
tight, and so 1 challenged him in tho
must violent and iiuplacablo manner.
And then I sat and sutfered and suf
fered till tho answer came. All our
boys the editors were in our ofliee,
"helping" in the dismal business, ami
telling about duels, and discussing the
code with a lot of aged ruiiians who
had experience in such things, and
altogether there was a loying interest
taken in tho mutter, which made me
unspeakably uncomfortable. The an
swercamc Mr. Lord decline 1. Our
boys were furious, and so was I on
(ho surface.
1 sent him another challenge, and
another and another; and tlio more
ho did not want lo fiLrht, the blood
thirstier I became. Hut at last the
man's tone changed. lie appeared to
ho waking til). It was becoming an
parent that ho was going to fight me
after nil. I ought to have known how
it would bo he was a man who never
could bo depended upon. Our boyB
were exultant, i was not, tho 1 tried
to be.
It was now time to go out nud prac
tice. It was tho custom there to tight
duels with navy six-bhooters at fifteen
paces load and empty till tho game
for the funeral was secured. Yvewcnt
to a little ravine just outside of town,
and borrowed a barn door for a targpt
borrowed it of a gentleman who
was absent and we stood this barn
door up, and stood a rail on end
against tho middle of it, to represent
Lord, and put u squash on top of the
rail to represent his head. He was a
very tall, lean creature, tho poorest
sort of material for a duel nothing
but a lino shot could "fetch" him, uud
even then he might split your bullet.
Exaggeration aside, the rail was, of
course, a little too thin to represent
his body accurately, but the sijtiaih
was all right. If there wni any in
tellcL'U:al difllraueo between the
squash nud his head, it was in favor
of the gijtiash.
Well, I practiced and practiced ut
the barn door, and could not hit it;
and I practiced at the rail, and could
not hit that; and I tried bard fur the
squash and could not hit the squah.
I would have been entirely dishearten
ed, but that occasionally I crippled
one of the boys, aud that eucourugcJ
mo to hope.
At last wo began to hear pistol
shots near by, in the next ravine. We
knew what that meant! The other
parly were out practicing, too. Then
I was in Ihe lust degree distretjed ; for
of course those people would hear our
shots, aud they would scud spies over
the ridge, and the spied would find my
bain door without a wound 01 a
scratch, aud that would simply be tho
end of mo for of course that other
man would immediately become us
bloodthirsty us 1 was. Just at this
moment a littlo bird, no larger than a
nparrow, flew by, and lit en a saga-
bush about thirty paces away; nud
my little second, Stevo Oilhs, who was
u matchless mnrksmau with a pistol
much better than I was cnalchedout
his Revolver, and shot the bird's head
oli'l Wo all ran to pick up tho game,
and sure enough, just at thu moment,
some of the other duelists came recou
tinkering over the little ridge. They
ran to our group to see what the mat
ter was ; and when they saw the, bird,
Lord' second said :
"That wns a splendid shot; how far
off was it ?"
Steve said, with some indilferance :
"Oh, no great distance. About
thirty paces."
"Thirty puces ! Heavens alive, who
did it?"
"My man Twain."
"The mischief ho did ! Can he do
that often?"
"Well yes. He can do it about
well about four times out of Cva."
I knew (ho little rascal was lying,
but I nevei said anything. I never
tuld him so. He was not of a disposi
tion to invito confidences of that kind,
so I let the matter rest. But it wns a
comfort to see those peoplo look nick
and sec their under-jaws work, when
Sieve made these statements. They
went off and yot Lord, and took him
home ; and when wo got home, half an
hour later, thero was a note saying
that Mr. Lord peremptorily declined
to fight !
It was a narrow escape. We found
out afterwards that Lord hit his mark
thirteen times in eighteen shots. If he
had put tha'e thirteen bullets through
me, it would have narrowed my sphere
of usefulness a good deal would have
well nigh closed it in fact. True, they
could havu put pegs in the holes, and
used me for a hat-rack; but what is a
hr.t-raek too mau who feels lie has intel
lectual power? I would scorn such a
position.
I have written this true incident of
my personal history for ono pur
pose, and ono purpose only to wain
the youth of the day against the per
nicious practice of duelling, and to
plead with them to war against it. If
the remarks and suggestions I am
making can bo of any service to Sun
day School teachers, and newspapers
interested in the moral progress of so
ciety, they ore at liberty to uso them,
and I shall even be grateful to have
them widely disseminated, to they may
doas much good us possible. Iwas young
and foolish when I challenged that
gentleman, and I thought it was very
fine uud very grand to bo a duelist,
and stand upon tho "Held of honor."
Uiil I uni older aud more experienced
now, nnd am inllcxibly opposed tu ll.e
dreadful custom, I am glad, indeed,
to bo etiiiblml to lift up my voico
against it. I think it is a had, i;n
inuial thing. 1 thit.Ji it is every man's
duly to do everything ho can to dis
courage duelling. 1 always do now;
I discourage it upon every occasion.
If a man were to challenge me now
now that 1 fully appreciate the "in
iquity of that practice I would go to
that mau and take him by tho hand,
and lead him to a quiet, mired room
and kill him.
l'.UTlll'T!. t; the last.
In the far off Nevada a t rain of cms
was rushing olotig at rapid speed, tho
locomotive being mounted by a trusty
engineer. Suddenly the train whirled
round a curve entering a tunnel six
hundred uud fifty feet in length. No
watchman had given warning of dan
ger, but the quick eyo of the engineer
caught sight of red, roaring (lames
aud dense n)oke ahead the other
end of tho tunnel was a fiery mass.
There was but a flush of tiino for
thought; no possibility of stopping;
to reverse the engine and whistle down
brakes would bring tho cars to a stand
in tho midst of the raging flames; the
only hope was to rush on with whirl
wind speed. With quick hand the en
gineer threw open the valve; he held
fat to the lever, closed his eyes and
tried to pray. Through smoke and
dame and falling timber, one iustant,
and tho terrified passengers beheld the
cool daylight beyond all saved
through tho daring act of this man
known familiarly as Johnny ISartholo
mew.
Another faithful engineer was on ono
of the trains which recently collided
on the Aw boy division of the Pennsyl
vania Railroad in consequence, of a
mistako in a telegraphic dispatch. The
eugiuecr stood by ids engine to the
last, and was dangerously injured. Tho
fiiviimii tuld him to jump oil', but ho
refused. As ho afterwards said to his
friends : "I could not leavo my en
gine ; I hud to stop her, and I did al
most do it. I thank God for one
thing; I can die with a clear con
science, for it was not my fault."
A gentleman, coming into the room
of Dr. liarton told him that Mr. Vow
el was dead! said ho: "Ah, is Vowel
dead? let us bo thaukful it was ueith
cr U uor 1."
TI!IP TO VIKSM t.
Several inquiries have reached us as
to tho programme which may bo best
followed by parties or indiviuals wish
ing to attend tho Vienna Exposition
next summer, and the following items
of route nnd probablo expense will be
found to contain much of the informa
tion needed. Of course the ocean
passage is a question for every man's
own decision, l'erhups the pleasant
est aud most convenient route is to
Paris via Liverpool, r direct via Ha
vre, though the Hamburg and I?rc
men steamers afford advantages about
the samo. Should tho Paris route bo
decided upon, sleeping cars cin be ta
ken at that city for Viouna which run
through ".ithout change, making the
passage in thirty-six hours. From the
traveling centres of Vienna tho rond
to the Prater is no more than the trip
from City Hall to tho American Insti
tute Fair building. Tho Prater is
uorlhweit of tho city, and a line of
cars propelled by a stationary engine
will run during the Exhibition us fre
quently as its travel shall demand; or
the walk is pleasai't nnd short.
Frjm American exhibitors tho ar
rangement of tho departments is pe
ptjliarly convenient. To tho United
States is allotted the extreme western
division of both tho main building
(Palace of Industry) and the hall of
machinery, being that portion of the
fair nearest tho Vienna road, and
through which tho exhibitor or visitor
0. ust pass before reaching tho depart
ment of other nat ions. Tho Exposi
tion, as wo havo already nottced, will
open on tho 1st of May next, and close
on tho 1st of November. Tho United
States transport steamers will leave
New York with such goods as we may
scud for exhibition, probably in Feb
ruary next. Jixcept tho United
States, all nations to bo represented
have already applicaiioiw .nioro than
sufiicient to till the spneo assigned
them. Tho backwardness of Ameri
can exhibitors is, according to Com
missioner Van Buret), attributable to
an opposition movement made in the
interests of a "patent ring" which, do-
sirious of maintaining its monopoly of
the sale of valuable toretgn patents in
Europe, has given currency to state
ments to tho following effect, via:
That every patented article put on ex
hibition nt Vienna thereby forfeits its
patent, and may bo copied by any oue.
The exhibition of vulunblo patents
at so widely attended a fair brings the
ow ner at once into direct contact w ith
crowds of purchasers from nil over the
world, and the business of tho patent
brokers is thus interfered with. Gen.
Van Buren declares that this widely
spread statement has no grounds w hat
ever. To every exhibitor the Aus
trian Government grants u complete
protection of hu patent for the time
of its exhibition, which may at any
time bo exchanged for a patent on the
payment of U1. This patent . is .issued
under the law of the country, nnd
grants protection for tho space of onu
year, nt tho expiration of which time,
if the article patented is not manufac
tured, its pate:;t is ro ussumnd by the
government. Tho question of tho ex
pense of attending the exhibition has
been asked. This again of coyrse, is
a variable quautity. Persons desirous
of making up a party for the trip will
do well to look nt the estimates made
by Messrs. Cook, Sou & Jenkins, who
opened on tho 1st of January, 2li2
Broadway, a branch of tho celebrated
Tourist Olirco in London.
They have secured a tpecial sleamer
of tho White Star Line, which will
leave New York on the 2th of June
next, carrying a party, yet to be made
up, of teachers, male and female, on
a so-called educational tour through
Seotlayd, England, Belgium, the
Rhino district and Bavaria to the
World's Fair nt Vienna, returning via
Switzerland and Paris. This party
will pass much time at Vienna, and
visit nearly all places of interest in
Continental Europo and Great Brit
ain. Its members are limited to teach
ers, but its price list shows what rates
may bo made profitable should any
large parly bo formed. Tho round
tiip, every necessary expense included
costs $4(10 gold, tho party returning
August ol. A Mnsouio excursion is
also organizing, concerning which in
formation may bo obtained of A. M.
lUmbo, Columbia, Pa. -V. )'. Wudd.
In a New Orleans Court, a brieht
eyed Irishman wus arraigned fur dis
ordely conduct. The Judge inquired,
very augrily, "if ho were not ashamed
to be there?"
"Pon my soul I am, your honor."
'You are in very disreputable com
pany." "1 know it, yer houor."
"It is shameful."
"Too true."
"If I permit you to go this time,
will you evrr bo caught in such com
pany again?"
"Not unless yet houor sends for me,"
was tho reply.
line of James Gordon Bennett's
queer fancies was an immense; bird
cage filled with rare birds from every
part of the globe. So he had it mndu
us large ns a house and before it bo
would stand for hours nnd study tha
habits of the different members of tho
feathery tribe. Sometimes ho would
liken his different hirda nnd fowls to
known men in real life. Once ha
stood with a neighbor and kept bint
laughing for a long time as ha would
point them out, with nn apt remark.
Pointing to tho robin he laid Unit was
Thomas A. Hendricks; the wowlpeck.
er that is Ben Butler, tho old goose is
Sumner; I he parrot is Garrit Davis;
the old gobbler is Cotiklin ; tho crow
is Fred Douglass; the hawk is Wen
doll Phillips; and tho canary ii Sun
Bet Cox, lc. This large house cngo is
still to be seen at Washington Heights,
An item, evidently intended to
discourage marriage and tho propaga
tion of the species, is going the rounds
to the effect that a decent bridal oulfij.
must cost at least $4,000. Among
the articles enumerated which a brido
tuust have, are n dozen night dresses.
This is absurd. Tho man who woubj
allow his wife to wear a dozen night
dresses; even in winter, deserves that
his family should becomo extinct.
"What havo you done with your
doll?" said a father to his little daugh
ter. "Put it away to keep for uy chil
drcn, when I grow up."
"Jin t if you sjiouldu.t havo auy?"
"Oh, well! then jt will do for my
grandchildren."
A teacher, in trying to explain pas
sive verbs to a class, said to one of tho
bovs, "Now, observe: If I say, 'John
is Iicaten,' what is John's relation tu
tho verb?" '-'John gets licked," nn
swered the boy, "No, no, you block
head; what does John do?" "I dim
know, unless he hollers."
"What would our wives say, if they
knew where we are?" said tho captain
of a "dow n east" schooner, when they
were beating about in a thick fog, fear
ful of going ashore. "Humph, I
shouldn't mind that," replied the mate,
"if wo only knew where we were our
selves." A lady was examing an applicant
far tho office of 'maid of all work,'
when she interrogated her as follows:
"Well, Mary, can you scour tinware
with alurcity?"
"No, ma'tim,"' replied Mary; "I al
ways scour them with sand."
A Lady whoso horror of tobacco
amounts most to a disease, took a seat
by tho side ofa man in a railroad car
the other day and nervously asked him:
"Do you chew tobacco, sir?" "No,
ma'am," replied tho astonished man,
"but 1 guess I can get you a chaw, if
you're sud'eriu' fur it."
A Ihiise-dciler, who lately effected
a sab, was ollered a bottle of jiortei'
to confess the animal's failings. Tho
bottle was drunk, and then he said tlio
hurso had but two faults. Who)
turned loose in tho Geld, he was "bad
to catch," end he was "of no uso
w hen he was caught."
"lias Unit gal got fits?" nsked an old
farmer who hud paused to see a young
lady go through with her calistheuio
exercises in the dooryurd. "No," re
plied the servant-girl, 'that's jiiuinyr
nastic," "So," mud tho farmer, in a
pitying tone, "poor thing; how long's
she had 'cm?"
A Dutchman once wanted to wed a
widow, and made love to her as fol
lows: "If you ish content to get a
better for a vorse, to be happy for a
miserable, and if yon smokes and
trinks ale, 1 shall takes you for no
petteruud much vorse." Upon which
the Judy answered "Yaw."
A judiro charged a jury a follows:
"Gentlemen of the jury, yeu must find
that the defendant u guilty beyond a
reasonable doubt. A reasonable doubt
is such a doubt as will convince a
reasonable man that the defeudant is
uot guilty."
Dr. Parr, when a boy nt Harrow,
had so very old a face fur his ugo that
one day hi contemporary, Sir William
Jonns, said, loukiug al him, "Purr, if
you should have the good luck to live
forty yours you may btand a chaneo
of overtaking your face."
Mr. Jones bus lung ben wauling to
visit Greenwood Cemetery, aud in
early summer she says lo her husband,
''Yuii havu never yet taken me to
Greenwood." "No, dear," he replied;
"that's u pleasure 1 have yet hud only
in anticipation."
A veteran observer sayf: "I never
place reliance on a man who telling
what ho wuuld have dono hud he been
there. J have noticed thai somehow
this kind of peoplo never get there."
A dull clcrgymau fcaid to tho boys
in iho gallery. "Don't make so inucb '
noise up there, or you will awake v"'
nn rents ltelow.
i