n
Rates of Advertising.
"1
One Sijuaro (t inch,) one Inertion $1 .in
One Sonars 41 one month :i 00
19 PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY, BY
W. R. DUNN.
Office In Krox's Bulldlrvgt Elrn. Stroo
d OREST
EPU
One Hqunre " three months - 0 00
One ISipiarn " ono year - - 10
Two H'jimres, ono year - 1 0'
Quarter Cl. nil 00
Half " W) 00
One " " - - - - 100 09
IJusinoss Cards, not exceeding ono Inch
In length, f 10 per year.
l.pgal notices nt established rates.
These rates are low, and no deviation
vill bo mndn, or discrimination among
patrons. The rates offered are such, s
will initko it to tho advnntagonf men doi. g
business in the limits of the circulation of
the paper to advertise libcrallv.
JU
B
ICAN
TICRMS, J2.00 A YEAR.
No Subscription rooolvod for a shorter
porlod than three months.
Correspondence solicited from nil parts
of the country. No notice will be taken of
t annonymous communications.
Marriages and Death notions insorted
gratis.
BUSINESS DIRECTORY.
i
" Let us havo Faith that Right makes Might ; and inthat Faith let us to tho end, dare do our duty as we understand if--LINCOLN.
VOL. V. NO. 22.
TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 1872.
$2 PER ANNUM.
MILES W. TATE.
PETTIS 4 TATE,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW,
Jllnt Street, TIONESTA, PA.
Isaao Ash,
A TTORNKY AT LAW, OH City, Pn.
jt- Will practice In the various Courts of
Forest County. All business entrustod to
all carajwlll receive prompt attention.
18 ly
f, W. M.non, Oeorge A Jonka,
TloMilt, Brokrllll, P.
Mason. A Jenks,
ATTORNEYS AT LAW. omee on Elm
Btreet, above Walnut, Tlonosta, l'a.
a W. Glimian,
ATTORNEY AT LAW, Franklin, Ve
nango Co., Pa. tf.
J. B. BARKIS, D. D. FA88KTT,
HAliltlS tt FA88ETT,
Attorneys at Law, Tltusville Penn'a.
I PRACTICE In nil the Court of Warren,
Crawford, Forost and Venango Coun
ties. !-tf
W. P. MorclUlott,
ATTORNEY A COUNSELOR AT LAW
Tlonosta, Pa. Oflloe on Elm Ntrcet.
The professional services of the Hon. 8.
P. Johnson can be secured through me if
desired in anv business entrusted to mo in
Forest Co. Collections promptly attended
to. Also ltcal f.stato Agent.
Tionesta House.
1T ITTEL. Proprietor. Elm St. Tlo
J.TJU neata. l'a.. at the mouth of the crook.
Mr. Iltle has thoroughly renovated the
Tionesta House, and ro-furnished it com
plotoly. All who patronir.o him will bo
well entertained at reasonable rates. 20-ly
FOREST HOUSE,
D.
BLACK PROPRIETOR. Opposito
Court House, Tionesta, Pu. Just
opened. Evervthinir now and clean and
frosh. The best of liquors kopt constantly
on hand. A portion of the public patron
agols rospoctfully solicited. 4-17-lv
Holmes House,
HMONKSTA. PA., oppoiJto the Depot.
-L c. i. Maliio, 1'ropriet.Tl-. Wood Nta.
blinj connectod with the house. tf.
Syracuse House,
"TMDIOUTK. Pa., J. A D Maoris. Propio
A tors. The house has been thoroughly
related and is now in the first-class order,
with the best of accommodations. Any
n formation concerning oil Territory at
mis point wm uo ciiooriuuv lurnisncu.
, -ly J. ,VD. MAliEIC,
Exchange Hotel,
T OWER TIDIOUTE. Pa.. D. S. Rams
-Li drkc. fc Son Prop's. This house having
Doen retlton Is now tlio most, uoslraole slop
ping place in Tldiouto. A good llilliard
itoofii attuehod. 4-ly
National Hotel,
TRVINETON, PA. W. A. Hallenback
" r . . : ... iri.t.
Proprict
W. This hotel Is I kw, and Is
ow open a'
l'a first class house, situate at
rejunction of the Oil Creek A Allegheny
rftverand t'luiacloipliia A Erie llailroail.
fiposlto tho Depot. Parties having to lay
ver trains will find this the most eonven
ent hotel In town, with llrst-class aceom-
nodations and reasonable charges. tf.
Dr. J. L. Acomb,
PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON, who has
had fifteen years' experience in a largo
and snccossfuf practice, will attend all
Professional Calls. Oltlco in his Drug and
Oroeery Store, located in Tidioute, near
iiuiouie i louse.
IN HIS STORE WILL BE FOUN D
A full assortment of Medicines, Liquors
"Tobacco, Cigars, Stationery. (J lass. Paints,
Oils, Cutlery, and line Groceries, all of the
best quality, and will be sold at reasonable
r men.
H. R. BURGESS, an oxperloncod Drug
(list from New York, has charge of the
SI ore. All proscriptions put up accurately.
w.
a. li. lur.
JNO. r. PARK.
A. a KCIXY.
MA 1 FAUK C- CO.,
B A IsT K E B S
Corner of Elm A Wulnul Sis. Tionesta.
Bank of Discount and Deposit.
Interest allowed on Time Deposits.
Collections madeonall tho Principal points
of the U. S.
Collections solicited. 18-ly.
JKO. A. DALE. hnl. J. T. DAL!, CuUer.
TIOUBSTA
SAVINGS BANK,
Tionesta, Forest Co., Fa.
Tills Bank transacts a General Banking,
doiiectmg ami rjxcnanire misiness.
- Drafts on the Principal Cities of the
JjBJiitcd States and Europe bought and sold,
Uold and Silver Coin and Government
Securities bought and sold. 7-80 Bonds
converted on the most favorable terms,
Interest allowed on time deposits.
Mar. 4, tf.
SLOAN & VAN GIESEN.
AND
WAGON-MAKERS.
Corner of Church and Elm Streots,
This firm is prepared to do all work in
its line, and will warrant everything done
at inuir snnpa to give sauslaeuop. rar
tiuuiur attention kivou to
iioit.sisiioi:ixc?,
Give them
gret it.
trial, and you will
not re
13-ly.
Tl8 Republican Office
T"EEP9 constantly on hand a larcn u
IV sortuient of Blank Deeds, Mortgages,
nuopu-uiui, warrants, ctuiuiuona, ifce.
be old ' heitp fur cash. tf.
. WKWTON PETTIS,
D. W. CLARK,
COMMIHHIONKn's OLKRK, FORK8T CO., PA.)
MEAL ESTATE AGENT.
IOTJSES and Txts for Rale and RENrp
Wild Ianils Tor Kale. J. .
I have superior facilities for ascertaining
the condition of taxes and tax deeds, frc,
and am therefore qualitlod to act intelli
gently as agent of those living at a dis
tance, owning lands in tlio County.
Office In Commissioners ltoom. Court
House, Tionests, Pa.
-n-iy. u. w. uijAKK,
itnw. MTiinmnii, mn.
T A. WS10IIT. Ssrr.
UKO. W. ll1HH!lnK.
D. DITHH1DUK, Tr
THE SUPERIOR LUMBER CO.,
MANUFACTURERS OF
Pine Lumber, Lath, Shingles &c.
Hills on Tionesta Creek, Forest Co., Pa.
Yards k Office cor, 22tl k Bail Road SU.,
PITTSRURGII, PA.
Jos. T..Saul,
PRACTICAL Harness Maker and Rad
dlor. Three doors north of Holmes
House, Tlonosta, Pa. All work Is war
ranted. tf. .
Wm,. Fellers,
T ICENCED AUCTIONIER, will attend
1 J to all business in that line promptly.
at reasonable rates. Address
WM. FELLERS. NewmanvlUo,
0-3m. Clarion Co. Pa.
KDWAItD UlTUBIUaK.
B. D. DITHRIDUR
FORT PITT GLASS WORKS.
. Established A. D. 1827.
MANUFArrrunr.ns or
Dithridge's xx Flint Glass
PATENT OVAL
LAMP. CHIMNEYS.
AND ' '
Silvered Glass Reflectors.
Those chimneys do not break by heat.
Ask for Dithridqes. Take no other.
DITHRIDGE A SON.
25-ly. Pittsburgh, Ta.
"Sew Hoarding House.
1 TRS. R. S. HULINOS has built a largo
in audition to nor house, ana is now pre.
pared to accommodate a number of nei ina
nont boarders, nd all transient ones who
may favor hor with their patronage. A
good stablo has recently been built to ac
commodate the horses of guests. Charges
reasonnblo. Residence on Elm St., oppo
site 8. Huslet'a store. 23-ly
JONES HOUSE,
CLARION, PENN'A.'
S. S. JONES - - - Proprietor,
GROCERY AND PROVISION STORE
IN TIONESTA.
GEO. WtBOVAPD&CO.
HAVE just brought on a coniplote and
carefully selected stock of
FLOUR,
GROCERIES,
PROVISIONS,
and everything nocessary to the complcto
stock of a first-class Grocery House, which
they have openod out at their establish
ment on Elm tit., first door north of M. E.
Church.
TEAS,
COFFEES,
KYUUrS,
SUGARS.
FRUITS,
SPICES.
HAMS, LARD,
A A"Z) ritO VISIONS OF A LL KIXDS,
at the lowest cash prices. Goods warrant
ed to be of the best quality. Call and ex
amine, and wo believe we can suit you.
GEO. W. 1JOVARD A CO.
Jan. 9, 72.
Lloyd & Son,
WATER STREET, TIOXESTA, PA.
HAVE JUST OPENED an oxtenslvo
(Stock of
FLOUR AND FEED,
GROCERIES AND PROVISIONS,
Which thy offer to the public at rates as
low as can be ottered by any other estab
lishment in town, Give us a call before
purchasing elsewhere.
0-3m. LLOYD 4 SON.
A 51 1 H A C L 12 !
Mr. Samuel Roll, of W. E. Schmertz C
Co., Wholesale Boot and Shoe Manufactur
ers, 31 Fifth avenue, Pittsburgh, l'a., has
been alliictod with chronio rhcumatibh for
thhty years, from his right hip to his foot,
having to use a crutch ami a cane, at times
so painful as to utterly iucapacitato him
from attending to his business. Having
tried every remedy known, w ithout effect,
except Uilliland's Pain Killer, he was
finally induced to try it. A second applica
tion enabled him to lay aside his crutch,
and a third effected a permanent cure. Mr.
Bell is a popular and well-known citizen
is a living monument of the ettacauy of
tutu o;irai uieoicui uiscoyery, uiuuanu a
Pain Killer. The afflicted should ask their
grocer or druggist for it, and try its won
derful power. Mr. Uillilund, wo under
utand, wauts a rospectablu agent In every
town anil county for it. The principal of
fice is at "3 Third Avenue, Pittsburgh Pa.
The Religious Card Player.
A private soldier by tho name of
Richard Lee, was taken before the
magistrates of Glasgow, for playing
cards during divine service. Tho ac
count of it is thus given in an English
journal:
Tho Sergeant commanded tho sol
diers at the chnrch, aod when the
parson had read the prayers he took
the text. Those who had Bibles took
them out; but tho soldier had neither
Bible nor Prayer Book; but pulling
out a pack of cards he spread them
oeiore mm. lie nrst looked at one
and then another. The senreant of
the company saw him and said:
"Kichard, put up the cards; this is
no place for them."
"XSever mind that," said Richard
cooly.
When the services were over, the
constable took Richard a prisoner,
and brought him before the Mayor.
"Well, what have vou brought the
soldier here for?" said the Mayor.
"For playing cards in the church."
"Wolf, soldier, what have vou to
say lor yourseltr
"Much, sir, I hope.
"Very good ; if not I will punish
you severely."
I have been," said the soldier,
about six weeks on the march.
have neither Bible nor Prayer Book.
I have nothing but a pack of cards.
and I hope to satisfy your worship of
tile purity ot my intention."
TheuBpreading the cards before the
Mayor, he began with the ace :
"When i see the ace it reminds me
there is but one God.
hen I 6ee Hie deuce it reminds
of Father nud' Son.
"When I see the trny it reminds me
ot J; atuer, bon and Holy Ghost. .
"When I see the four it reminds me
of the four Evangelists thai preached
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
"When I see the five it reminds me
of the five wise virgins that trimmed
their lamps. There Were ten, but five
were .wise and five were foollfch, and
were shut out.
. "When I see the six it reminds me
that in six days the Lord made
Heaven and earth.
"When I see the seven itcmiuds
me that on the seventh day Cfltl rested
from the great work which He had
made and hallowed it.
"When I see the eight it reminds
me of the eight righteous persons who
were saved when God destroyed the
world, viz: Noah and his wife, his
three sous and three wives.
" Wheji I see the nine it reminds me
of the nine lepers that were cleansed
by our Saviour. There were nine of
the ten who never returned thanks.
"When I see the ten it reminds me
of the ten Commandments which God
handed down to Moses on the tables
of stone.
"When I see the King it reminds
me of the Great King of Heaven,
which is God Almighty. . .
"When I see the Queen it reminds
roe of the Queen of Sheba, who visited
Solomon, for she was as wise a woman
as he was a man. She brought with
her fifty boys and fifty girls, all dress
ed in boys' apparel, for King Solomon
to tell which were boys and which
were girls. The King gent for water
to wash. The girls washed to the
elbows and the boys to the wrists ; so
King Solomon told by that."
"Well," said the Mayor, "you have
d ascribed every card iu tho pack ex
cept one."
"What is that?"
"The knave," said the Mayor.
"I will give-your honor a descrip
tion of that too, if you will not get
very angry."
"I will not, if you do not term me
to be the knave, suid Mayor.
"The greatest knave that I know of
is the constable that brought me down
here."
"I do not know if he is the greatest
knave, but I know he is .the greatest
fool," said the Mayor.
"When I count how many spots
there are in a pack of cards, I find
three hundred and sixty-five, as many
days as in a year.
"When I count the number of cards
in a pack, I count fifty-two tho num
ber of weeks in a year.
"I find there are twelve picture
cards in a pack, repseseiitunj the num
ber of months in a year and in
counting the tricks I find thirteen
the number of weeks in a quarter.
"So, you see a puck of cards serves
for a Bible, Almanac and Coiumou
Prayer Book."
. The Paducah News tells this story
for the truth of which it vouches : "A
professional gentleman well known in
this city had not seen his son for a
long period of time, owing to tho fuct
that the latter retired to bed ere the
former returned home, and in the
morning the father left before the son
got out of bed. One morning the lady
of the house managed to get the father
and son together at the breakfast table,
and by way of a joke remarked ; 'Son,
let mo introduce you to your father.'
How do you do, father?' said the
hopeful 'I don't remember ever hav
ing met you before, but I have heard
roa speak of you.' "
Down Brakes I
"Ed." is a brakeman cmnlovcd on
the Chicago, Alton and St. Louis rail
road. He was married only a few
weeks ago. His wife has been wear
ing a piece of red flannel round her
neck for the past ten days, and com
plaining of a wry neck. This is how
it came to pass :
"Ed." had just befen doing extra du
ty , taking a sick friend's train in ad
dition to his own, aud so had not been
in bed for forty-eight hours. As a
matter of course he was nearly worn
out, and as soon as his supper had
been eaten he went to bed, to sleep,
fierchance to dream. He was soon
ncked in the arms of Morpheus and
Mary, and dreaming. Again his foot
was on his native platform, and he
heard the warning toot of the whistle
for breaks. The shadow train bore
him swiftly on ; the telegraph posts
fleeted past quicker and quicker; the
whole country fled by like a panorama
mounted on sheet-lightning rollers. In
his dream he heard far off another
roar, and swinging out by the railings
he saw another train coming nt light
ning speeJ around the curve. Both
trains were crowded, and in an
other moment tbey would rush totrcth
er, and from the piles of ruin a cry of
agony would shiver to the tingling
stars from the lips of the maimed and
dying. The engineer had seen their
danger, for at that moment, in his
dream, he heard the whistle-calling
for brakes sound loud and unearthly.
With the strength of desperation he
gripped the brake and turned it down
There was a yell of pain, and "Ed"
woke to Cud himself sitting up in bed
and holding hiAvife by the ears, hav
ing almost twisted oil her head. - lhat s
how "Ed's" wife came to wear a piece
of red flannel round ber throat and
complain of a wry neck. St. Louis
Demberat.
The Quartermaster General of the
array has just issued a circular giving
information in reference to supplying
head-stones or head-blocks for the
graves in the National Military Cem
eteries. Under the act of Congress
350,000 are required, 'and there is an
appropriation of $200,000 to pay for
them, and as this is not sufficient, an
extra appropriation will bo asked for
by the War Department from the next
Congress. Each block or stone of a
known soldier is to be marked with
number of the grave, name of 'the sol
dier, rank, company, regiment, and
date aud place of death. The stones
or blocks for unknown soldiers are to
be inserted with the number and le
gend "Unknown United Stes Sol
dier." Proposals will be received for
furnishing any kind of stone for any
number oi graves, there being no con
ditions 08 relating to material, -iron
stone, marble.'wood or composite' com
ing under the bid. Tho Department
after receiving all of the samples, will
adopt the style that is best suited, in
their judgment, and have the sanio kind
of stone or block in all the National
Cemeteries.
Col. L. and a friend were one day
walking the streets in Madison, lnd.
wnen the conversrtion turned upon
Irish wit. Col. L. said he doubted if
it were so off-handed as generally
thought. Ho believed that Irishmen
studied it up.
"Let us prove it," said his friend,
"on the first Irishman we meet."
A young Irish lad of about sixteen
soon came in sight, walking towards
them. .
"Seize an arm," said his friend. They
separated, one passing each side of the
boy, each grabbed an arm.
"If the devil should come along
now, which of the three would he
take ?" shouted the friend. v
"Me, to be sure," said Pat. "He's
sure o'.yees any time."
The question was settled.
A Western lawyer was accused of
being the owner of a dog which had
bitten a testy old gentleman in the
calf of the leg. Expecting an action
for damages, the wag drew up the fol
lowing articles as the ground for his
defeuce : 1st, by testimony in favor of
the general good character of my clog,
I can prove that nothing would make
him so forgetful of bis dignity as to
bite a calf; 2d, ho is blind and cannot
Bee to bite; 3d, even if he could see to
bite, it would be utterly impossible for
him to go out of tho way to do so, on
account of age, fatness aud se vere lame
ness; 4th, grunting his eyes and legs
to be good, he had no teeth ; 5th, my
dog died six weeks since ; Cth, I never
had a dog.
A one-legged Welsh orator, named
Jones, was pretty successful in banter
ing an Irishman w hen the latter asked
him. "How did you come to lose
your leg?" "Well," said Jones, "on
examining my pedigree, and looking
up my desceut, I found there was some
Irish blood iu me, and becoming con
vinced that it was settled Iu that left
leg, I had It cut off at once." "Be
the powers," said Pat, "it would have
been a deuced good thing if it had on
ly settled id your head."
A ferry master at Sioux City, Iowa,
arrests people if they paddle their own
cauocs across the stream.
How Joe Lost His Bet.
An old fellow named Joe Toole,
very eccentric and an incorrigible stut
terer, was a constant lounger at a
tavern in Watcrford, Me.
One day a traveler from a distant
part of the State, arrived at the tav
ern and was met by an old acquaint
ance, a resident of the town. After
some conversation on different topics,
the traveler was addressed as follows:
By the way, Brown, look out for
old Joe Poole to-nicht. You will
know him quick enough by his stutter
ing. He will be sure to come around,
and offer to bet that you've not got a
whole shirt to your back. If you take
him up, you'll surely loose by a trick
he's got. He invariably lays his wager
and always wins."
"Very well, said the traveler, "I
will not let him get ahead ol me.
Much obliged for the caution."
Ihq. evening came, and a large
crowd was collected in the bar room.
Our friends were there, and old Joe
Poole was presented and in his ele
ment. "I tell-you wh-what. You are nice
ly dressed, but I'll bet you ten dollars
you haven't got a wh-whole shirt to
your back."
1 11 take the bet, said the stran
ger, "rut the money in the landlord s
hands. -
This being done, the traveler pulled
off coat, and was about following suit
with his vest, when Joe cried out
"Ilo-ho-hold on. You've lost ! Ha-
lialf your shirt is fi-front, and the oth
ha-half is on your ba-back 1"
There was a roar of laughter, but
the new-comer did not mind it, but
pulled off his vest too, and quietly
turning his back to Joe displayed to
his astonished gazes a shirt neatly
loided and placed underneath his sus
penders. Of course, the laugh was turned up
on Poole, who acknowledged that he
had lost the wager. He never offered
to bet again.
A forest of the great Sequaia, the
big tree of California, has been dis
covered in Keon county, in which the
trees are said to be larger than any in
the famous Mariposa and Callveras
groves. Mr. Nordhoff writes from
this section : One tree was measured
and found to be 43 feet in diameter
so I was assured by tho person who
measured it, the owner of a saw mill
in this timber region. I told the man
my hope that the saw mill owners
would spare tnese great trees, lie re.
plied : "W6 have to spare them, for
they are too big for us to handle. We
can use the smaller specimens, but one
of t-Lcj big fellows cannot be cut
down or eawd with any tool3 we can
use."
A happy couple started on their
bridal tour recently from Peoria, 111.,
and the blushing young bride, thrust
her head out of the car window as the
train started off and after looking
around for a moment or two, suddenly
jerked her head back with a quick ex
clamation, and buried her face in her
hands. Her loving, frightened hus
band sought to learn the cause of her
dismay, and offered feeble consolation.
After a considerable amount of coax
ing he elicited the cause of the trouble.
The lady had dropped her new set of
false teeth out of the window. The
unlooked for event cast quite a gloom
over the entire journey.
As the worthy town crier of Nan
tucket was going his rounds on Tues
day afternoon, when in front of one of
the boarding houses, he overheard a
young man request one of the lady
boarders, who was seated under an
upen window, to ask him where his
bell came from. The crier rang up,
and gave nctice of what was to be
sold by auction, when the lady, in a
squeaky voice, said, "Mister, where
did your bell come from?" "My bell,"
retorted the crier in no gentle voice,
"came from the same place your man
ners did from a brass foundry." The
young lady asked no further questions.
A man in Oneida, N. Y., depends
on lecturing for a living beyond any
other man we know of. His sister left
quite a property in trust for him ; but,
knowing him to be peculiar and to
spend it all, her will provided that he
should receive five dollars for every
lecture he should deliver. Aud so he
lectures morning, noon and night, as
opportunity oilers, or a little audience
of children or adults can be gathered,
if it be only a complaisant family
group at a breakfast table.
A young lady in San Francisco,
who was engaged to marry her cousin,
had bought her linen and plate aud
marked it with a mutual monogram,
when the youth proved faithloss and
broke off tho match. The devoted
mamma, horrified at the thought that
so much money should be wasted sailed
forth in search of somebody possessing
the same initials as the cousin. She
found him, madumoisclle married him,
and all is joy, peace silver and fine
linen.
Savannah has a young aud good
looking "burglaress. ' The young fel
lows are very careless about leaving
their windows open at nilit.
Crusoe's Island Colonized by Germans.
AC a distance ot lees than three
days' voyage from Valparasn, Chili,
aud nearly in the same latitude of this
important port, on tho coast of South
America, is tho island of Juan Fcr-
nandsz, where once upon a time Alex
under belkirk, during a solitary ban-
ishracnt ot tour years, gathered the
material for DeFoe's "Robinson Cru
soe." This nd, little thought of by
the inhabit of the Chilean coast-
land, has la y become of some inter
est by the fact that in December, 1809
it was ceded to a society of Germany,
under the guidance ot Kobcrt Wehr-
ham, an engineer of Saxony, for the
purpose ot colonization, lbe entre
preneur ot the expedition, Kobert
Wehrham, left Germany eleven years
ago, passed several years in England,
served as a major through the Ameri
can war, and was subsequently engaged
as engineer with the Ceropasco rail
road in South America, lie and his
society, about sixty or seventy indi
viduals, have taken possession, of the
island, which is described as being a
most fertile and lovely spot. They
found there countless herds of goats,
some thirty half-wild horses and sixty
donkeys, the latter animals proving to
be exceedingly shy. They brought
withjthera cows aud other cattle, swine,
numerous fowls, and all the various
kinds of agricultural implements, with
boats aud fishing apparatus, to engage
in different pursuits and occupations.
The grotto, made famous as Robinson's
abode, situated in a spacious valley
covered with largo fields of wild tur
nips a desirable food for swine has
been assigned to the hopeful young
Chilian gentleman to whom tho charge
of tho porcine part of the society's
stock has been entrusted, and he and
his proteges are doing very well iu
their new quarters. Juan Fernandez
is one of the stations where whaling
vessels take water and lood.
A neonle mav hp known tv its d
vertiseraents. In Pueblo, California,
the prevailing amusement on Sunday
afternoons is a "chicken dispute." Iu
a recent number of the Colorado
Chieftain the following announcement
was inserted among tho business no
tices :"
"Money loaned in moderate amounts
on short timo. Pre-emptors thusly ac
commodated. Office near where Sam
Hiu s rooster got killed. R. K. Swift
& Co."
A little girl in a New York orphan
asylum quarreled with another girl
aud scratchtd her face. For this she
was punished and required to learn
and repeat a verse from the Bible, be
ing allowed to make her own selec
tion. She chese the first verso of the
Psalms, 144, which is as follows:
"Blessed be the Lord my strength,
which teachcth my hands to war, and
my hngers to light.
A clergyman in a Lawrcnco church,
on a recent occasion, discovered, after
commencing the service, that ho had
forgotten his notes. As it was too late
to send for thorn, he said to his nudi
ence, by way of apology, that this
morning he Bhotild depend upon the
ljord lor what ho might say, but in
the afternoon he would come better
prepared.
A fellow iu Norwich was bitten by
a uog. as soon as he uecovered from
his fright ho declared he would kill
the animal. "But the dog isn't mad,"
said the owner. "Mad!" shouted tho
victim, exasperatingly, "what in thun
der has he to get mad about?" He
evidently misconstrued the cxplana
tion.
The idea of reclaiming the Colorado
desert by means of artesian wells has
been broached. It is thoutrht that
large subterranean stream runs under
the desert, and that all that is neces-
saiy is to bore deep euough to strike
it. Congress will bo applied ti lor
grout as a recompense for boring theso
wells.
The other night a young man tiro.
pounded the usual question to the idol
of his heart. She laid her soft white
hii ml in his, put her head upon his
manly shoulder, hove a sweet sigh of
resignatioi., and iu dulcet accent?,
that sounded like sweet music upon
the waters, whispered, "yes anything
to beat urant.
A younj; woman once married
man by tho name of Dust, against the
wish of her parents. After a short
time they begun to quarrel, aud she
attempted to return to her father's
houso, but he refused to receive her,
saying, "Dust thou art and unto Dust
thou shalt return." And she got up
anu "uusted.
Rector's Daughter "Well, Dennis,
how are you getting on? How do you
like your new master?" Deunis
"Faith, Miss, I duuno. R. D. "lie's
a very kind and excellent man ; you
i.i. ii. ...
can i uo too niticn ior hiral Uenuis
"An shure, Miss, I don't mane to I"
"The whole thing has gone to the
devil," said a gentleman of sonio un
fortunate speculation. "Never mind,"
said Jcrrold, "you'll get it back when
you die."
Stale Joke.
Hierocles, who lived in the sixth
century, collected twenty-one jests tin-,
the general title of the Pedants, and
in this fossil jest-book we find jokes
that have been handed down through
succceeding collections and have be
come old familiar friends. Among
these ancient jests is the account of
the man, who, for fear of drowning,
determined not to enter the water un
til he was master of the art of swim
ming; of tho man who complained
that his horso died just as he had
taught it to live without food; of the
philosopher who carried a stone about
him a as specimen of his houso ; of one
who stood before a glass with his eyes
Bhut to see how he looked when he
was asleep; of the man who bought a
cow to see whether it would live two
hundred years ; and of One who went
into a boat on horseback, because he
was in a hurry. Here we find the
evcrnew story of a man who meeting
a friend, asked whether it was ho or
his brother, who was buried ; and the
blundering excuse of the person who,
not having attended to the request of
a friend, said when he met him, "I'm
sorry 1 never received the letter which
you wrote to me about the books.'
Rev. Mr. Hartly, of Philadelphia,
must, we should imagine, have come
fresh from the perusal of Hierocles
when he forwarded to M. Thiers last
year one of the original bricks of In
dependence Hall in that city, "with
the earnest prayer that the legislators
of beautiful Fiance may derive from
it such an ispiration as shall lead them
to erect a republic, whose dignity,
justico and purity shall be the admira
tion ot our ago, and which shall provo
a model for other natious in securing
tho rights and liberties of their peo
ple." Said Mr. Buckalow before he thought
of running on the Democratic ticket:
"I know Gen. Hartranft well, both as
a public officer and a man. As Audi
tor General he has shown himself a
most faithful, upright, efficient and ac
coramodating officer and would make
a good Governor."
The deacon of a church, upon whom
a pastor had been settled, was praising
his many good qualities to the deacon
of a neighboring church. He declared
that their new minister had but one
fault in the world, and that was a pro
pensity to become a little quarrelsome
when he was drunk.
A small boy arose at a Sunday
school coucert and began 4ite glibly:
"A certain man went do&Yrora Jeru
salem to Jericho and fell and fell"
Here his memory began to fail him.
"And and fell by the roadside, and
thorns sprand up and choked him.
Alexander Dumas, pere, was one
day asked to contribute ten francB for
the funeral of a bailiff who had died
in destitute circumstances. "What!"
exclaimed the great novelist, J'ten
francos fur burying a bailiff"! Here
are one hundred francs bury ten."
A Pekin (Illinois) woman was
asked by the preacher if her husband
feared the Lord. She replied, "Fear
Him 1 Why, bless you, he is so 'feared
of Him, that he never goes out of the
house on Sundays without taking his
gun along."
A witness, in describing certain
events, said : "The person I saw at
the head of tho stairs was a man with
one eye named Jacob Wilkins."
"What was tho namo of his other
eye?" spitefully asked the opposing
counsel.
A comical sentence occurs in tho
programme of a concert lately given
by M. Gcnnod, in Loudon, the eighth
number being thus dscribed, "Song
'Sho Wandered Down the Mountain
Side,' accompanied by tho composer."
A fellow who was feeling the efTuct
of too much corn juice, in Charleston,
Mo., was asked by a passerby if he
was sick, when he became angry ,and re
plied : "Sick ? You fbol, tlo you sup
pose I'm doing all this for fun."
Smith when asked whether he had
been seriously injured by the explo
sion of the boiler of a steamer replied
"that he was so used to being blown
up by his wife, that a mere steamer
had uo effect upon him."
I never saw such a cold woman as
Mrs. is," said au envious beauty
of another the other evening. "I feel
quite confident thut she must give her
husband a cold iu the head whenever
she kisses him."
John Wesley used to say: "Oh how
hard it is to be shallow enough for a
genteel congregation." Ministers 6eem
to have little difficulty of that kind in
these days.
There is nothing like a good defini
tion, as tho teacher thought when he
explaiued tho meaning of "old maid"
as a woman w ho had been made a very
long time.
A girl iu Casco, Michigan, thought
It lino sport to frighten her mother
with a gun, and now sh.e has no moth
er to frighten. .
A Chicago dry uoods dealer adver
tises "The inott alarming sacrifices
since tho days of Abraham and Iaao."
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