1 " - - f ...... v.
1
II If I
ILLdJJ 1 I 'i M
ScuotcJrta politics, Citcraturc, gricnlturc, Science, illovalitij, nni (Scneral Intelligence.-
VOL. 34.
STROUDSBURG, MONROE COUNTY, PA., JANUARY 4, 1877.
NO. SO.
1
t
Published by Theodore Sehocli.
Ter To dollars a year in advance and if not
...... i,. ..n,I nf the vear. two dollars nd fifiv
pnauci"1" - - .,
. . .i:j..A.ttiiA1 unfit .11 iriri4pivAi v a
ill be charted
iJ except attlic option of the Ivhtor.
.iri.rtisnii'iits of onesonare of (eurnt line or
t., one r thn:e insertions f 1 50. Each sulditional In
sertion. SO cents. Longer ones in proportion.
JOB PRIXTIXQ
OF ALL KIXIW,
E(cutdia the highest styln of tho Art, and on the
most reasonable terntrt.
D
11. NATHANIEL C. MILLER,
Physician and Surgeon.
03e aod residence: Curuer Maia and Pocono Street,
Strocdsbcrg, Px.,
Office hours from 7 to S a. m., I to 2 and 7
to 8 p. nt.
Oct. 20, l$T6-tf.
J.
II. 31. 1).
Secm-l doir below Tturnett IIou.e. Residence
,i dir wl of Ilirfcit? Quaker Church. OSice
ktn S li H ni., 1 to .". p. M., ti to 3 p. m.
Hi 2, is;s-!f.
D
Iii3 sichin und Surgeon,
STR0UD3BURG, Pa.
Offi" f ir'n'-rly omipifil by Dr. Seip. Residence with
J. It! Mill r, "" l-r Lol w the Joarsoiiiau Office.
,li" h lur-i, 7 to i, 12 to Z and G to 9.
Jlirll, l.K'tJ. tf.
D
u. .v. i's:cri,
Siirgcon Wentlst.
Offi-ein .T;s. Klii-r" new hiiiMtng, nearly opposite
tl trin l-bur liauii. Ga-s adiuuistered for xtuctii)
wh-'ii ! ir--'I.
Sirt-barr, i'i. Jan. 6,'76-tf.
D
parsirnx, scbgeox and accoucheur.
OrV.i in SimuM Hood' new buildin;. nearly op-jw-.it;
th) i ! o.'iioi:. Roidnce on Sjrah street,
aS 4 Franklin.
DiVIX S. I,CK,
Atturncy at Law,
One door above the "Stroudslmrg House,"
Stroud-!j'irir, Pa.
Collections promptlv in a fie,
0;tolier -2, 1874.
ixrai,s3. PGIRSO.,
H ."Votary I'iiIjIIc,
Ral Estate and Insurance Agent and
CONVEYANCER.
7V'' ."ieV7 and Corirrynncing in all it
bra n'm curcfuilj atid promptly attended to.
Ac'imrfcJgimnU taken for other Stoic.
Office, K'utler'a Drick Building, near theR.R.
Depot,
E VST STIIOCD.SBUIIG, PA.
P. O. nor 1).
September 2?, 1S76. tf.
WILLIAM S. REES,
Surveyor, Conveyancer and
Esal Estate Agent.
Farms, Timber Lands and Town Lots
FOR SALE.
0!5e m?arly opposite American Iloue
and 2 I d )r hlow the Corner Store.
March 2 ), 1873-tf.
DR. J.LANTZ,
SURGEON & MECHANICAL DENTIST.
ti!l hi his office on Main street, in the second story
f Dr. S. Walton's brick buiMinj, nearly oj.jxtsite the
Siroudb.jr IIus. and he fiatrs himself that by eigh
Wea years constant practico and tho nnt earnrst and
'riful attenti.-.H to all matters pcrtainimr to his pro
Mion. that he is fully able to pcrforui all operation
in the dental line in the most careful and akillful man
nr. f peial attention given to saving the Natural Teeth ;
alir to the loertion of Artificial Toeth on Rubber,
Cold, Silver, or Continuous Gums, aad perfect fit in all
tun insured.
Mmt prjous know the jrreat folly and danper of en
truKtinj thir work to the inexperienced, or lo those lir
jtt at a distance. April 13, J 874. tf.
Opposition to Humbuggery !
The undersigned hereby announces that he lias re
' busi:ie.i at t lie old tand, next door to Ruster'a
Clothing .Store, Main street, si roudsburg, I'a., and is
filly prepared to k'.coniiQ'xlata all in want of
BOOTS and SHOES,
made in the latest tvle and of good material. Repair-
lae areiumly aueated to. (iive ine a rail.
., l,5-iy.j c. LEWIS WATERS.
PAPER HANGER,
GLAZIER AND PAINTER,
MONltOE STREET,
Nearly opposite Kautz's Blacksmith Shop,
Stroudsbirg, Pa.
The undersigned would respeci fully in
iorm the citizens of Slroudsburg and vicinity
lhat he is now fully prepared lo doall kinds
of Paper Hanging. Glazing and Paintinjr,
Promptly and at short notice, and that he
ill keep constantly on hand a fine stock ol
per Hanging of all descriptions and at
price. The patronage of the public.
earnestly solicted. May 16, 1872.
Dwelling House for Sale.
A ery desirable two story Dwelling !! ouae, eontaio-
'"t; -ven roni, one or wuich i4Vte
fCiT.A'lL. for a Store Rnnm uit notion Maiuktrol.
in the Boroujfh of Strjudsburg. The
I building U nearly new, and every part
tofitia good condition. Kor terms Ac,
'atjJnaoffie,. , fDec. 9, 1875-tC
JOB PRINTING, of all kinde neatly ex
V ecuted at thia office.
MASON TOOK,
1 Hi.-lW
asm
Great Bargains!
H. D. BUSH,
The down town Dry Good Merchant will sell
his itumcn.se stock of
GOODS
befor the first day of January, A. D. 1877, to
make room for a different line of goods.
Goods sold at cost and less than cost !
Hid stock consists of all kind.s of
Ladies' and Gents Furnishing
Goods, Notions, &c.
The public is invited to come and examine
his Htock as it will positively be sold
cheaper than it can be bought elsewhere.
H. D. BUSH.
Stroudaburg, Nov. 23, IS76. lm.
THE
New York Store,
STILL DOWN TO THE
OLD PRICES
in sj'ite of the advance in prices at whole
sale, AND OUll STOCK LARGER AND
MORE COMPLETE THAN EVER.
We have scoured the market for thinirs
Interesting and Profitable
FOR OUR CUSTOMERS,
AND CAN NOW OFFER GREATER
.INDUCEMENTS TO
CASH BUYERS
THAX EVEE !
Dress Goods, Cloths and
Cassimcrcs, Flannels and
Blankets, bleached and
brown MUSLIN, Prints,
Shawls, Underwear for
For Ladies', Gents' and
Children.
Gents' Furnishing Goods,
HOISERY,
KID GLOVES,
Ribbons, &c. &c.
We propose to MAINTAIN our REP
UTATION for being the
Cheapest Store
BY BEING JUST WHAT the TERM
IMPLIES,
AND IF ANY THINK THEY HAVE
REASON to DOUBT IT WE WOULD
VERY KINDLY INVITE THEM
TO CALL AND INVESTIGATE, AT
The New York Store.
Stroudsburg, Oct. 12, 1876. 3m.
Caution ! Take Notice!
THE public arc hereby cautioned against
harboring or trusting any person un
der any pretense whatever, from this date,
on my account. a;Tl am determined to re
sist, to the full extent of the law, the pay
ment of all debts contracted by any one in
my name without regard to person, except
upon my written order
LiIAIiLr-r) U. nAiuutrv.
Stroudaburg, Pa.
urg, Pa. )
24, 1876. j
Au
WOOD
n i i.- V. .A riimmhr .nil Cntftn. fa.'t PUP, Willi
M innftx-iuriBC "' r-ilviwrl;iwkind mwtwkm
TJAHGE.trw6MAr.Ii. Vi.ltoc. nmltniM tl,TT'T
lcli , rcncx1illt l u."i.wh In mirn to Hi U F.xhiWtloB,
" ' ! elini w- or -n.l r..r r-il n frifh priri". rt lermfc
C.G Bl ATCHLEY, Kanuf r, 506 Commerce SL.Philat
Sept. 23, '76-6m
TOWN,
" v
151 PUMPS
Sailer's Health-Lift.
They arc in the midst of a big lawsuit
in a neighboring village between Dr. Smiler
and the rest of the population of the town.
The doctor, it seems, had a large tank
placed on the top of his house from which
to supply his bath-room, and so forth, with
water. The water had to be pumped up
about fifty feet from the cistern in the yard,
and the doctor found it to be a pretty good
sized job, which would cause him constant
expense. So after thinking the matter
over very carefully one day an idea struck
him. He built a room over the cistern
and put the word "Sanitarium" over the
door. Then he concealed the pump
machinery beneath the floor and he rigged
up a kind of complicated apparatus with
handles and hinges and a crank, so that a
man by standing in the middle of the
machiue and pulling the handle up and
down would operate tiie pump.
Then the doctor got out circulars and
published advertisements about '-Smiler's
Patent Health-Lift," and he secured testi
monials from a thousand or so people who
agreed that the Health-Lift was the only
hope for the physical salvation of the
human race. Pretty soon people began to
call to see about it, and Smiler would rush
them out to the 'Sanitarium" and set them
to jerking the handles. And when a
customer had pumped up fifty gallons or
so, Smiler would charge him a quarter, and
tell him that three months of that kind of
thing would give him muscles like a prize
fighter. He would push the project among his
patients. If a man was bilious, or had the
toothache, or was afflicted with rheumatism,
or croup, or yellow fever, or cholera morbus,
Smiler would turn him at the Health Lift
and get a quarter each time. The thing
became so opular that he had to cidarge
his tauk and put in a smaller pump ; and
he not only got all his pumping done for
nothing, but the people who did it paid him
about 1500 a year i'ur the privilege. It
began to look like an uncommonly soft
thing, and everybody was coutcnted and
happy. '
One day however, old Mr. Maginnis,
who had been practicing at the Health-Lilt
every day for months in order to cure him
self of indigestion, jammed the handles
down a little too hard, and broke the board
upon which he was standing. As the board
gave way it rlunged Mr. Maginnis into the
cistern, and just as he was sinking for the
third time Smiler fished him out with a
crooked nail in the end of a clothes prop.
As soon the water was drained out of him
Maginnis said :
"I didn't know 'ou had a cistern under
that floor. What did you do that for?"
"Why, to keep the air moist. It is
healthier than dry air." '
"It looked to me as if there was some
kind of a pump under there."
"Oh no," said Smiler, "those are only
the levers of the Lift."
"Mighty queer," said Maginnis thought
fully. "If that isn't a pump then I don't
know one when I see it."
So a few days later Maginnis came
around with a lot of other patients, and
found the doctor out. They determined
to investigate. They pulled up a couple
of boards, aud ascertained the facts about
the pump. Then they cross-examined
Smiler's servant-girl, and learned about
the truth, and then they went home mad.
A consultation was held, at which every
bilious and rheumatic individual who had
been working the doctor's pump used
violent language, and talked about murder
and sudden death. Finally they resolved
to prosecute Smiler for damages and for
obtaining money under false pretences. It
is thought by good judges that by the time
the court gets through with Smiler that
will be about the unbcalthiest Lift for him
he was ever interested in. Max Alder.
Farms and Wages in California.
The San Francisco Alia says : "Our
attention has been called to the members
of farms and of agriculturists or persons
engaged in farm labor in the Union and in
California, and we find that though the
farms have on the average three times as
many acres in this State, there are rela
tively fewer laborers to the farm. The
nation has 2,050,000 farms and 5,922,000
farmers, while our State has 23,000 farms
and 47,000 farmers. Ohio, Connecticut
and Nebraska have about the same propor
tion as California, or two agriculturists for
each farm; while New York, Pennsylvania
and Illinois have three for two farms, and
Alabama and Georgia have four for one
farm. The larger average size of the Cali
fornia farms is caused by the fact that
2,700,000 acres out of 6,200,000 acres in
closed are used for pastures of wild grass;
and that on account of the dry character
aud light, clean soil of most of the farms,
a man can cultivate a larger area than in
the moist, weedy and heavy soils of the
Atlantic States. There has been no not
able change in the rate of California for
several years. Mechanics get from $2 to
85 per day ; unskilled white male laborers,
from 1 to 83 ; and Chinamen from 60
ceuts to 81, without board. Masons, plas
ters and plumbers receive from 84 to 85 ;
carpenters, blacksmiths and wagoti-makers,
from 83 to 84 ; servant girls for general
housework, 815 to 825 ; farm laborers, from
825 to S30 in winter and 830 to 850 in
summer, per month, with board. The same
work is done for half so much on the Atlan
tic slope and Australia, and one-third in
Europe' and provisions ireaerally are cheap
cr in California. 4
Marrying a Ghost. '
HOW A VERMONT JUDGE WAS REUNITED
TO HIS DECEASED WIFE.
Quite an interesting and some what start
ling event transpired at Terre Haute, Ind.,
one evening, at the seance given by Mrs.
Anu Stewart, a noted medium, under the
auspices of a committee of gentlemen com
posed of Dr. Pence and other spiritualists
of this city. Mrs. Stewart's phase of power
consists principally in materialization of
disembodied spirits. On this occasion some
twenty persons, ladies and genltemen, as
sembled and were seated around the rostrum
in close proximity to the cabinet. In this
semi-circle was Judge A., of Vermout, a
gentleman of acknowledged talent aud cul
ture, and a recent convert to the faith.
This gcntlcmau claims to have received
through the mcdiumship of Mrs. Stewart
the most convincing evidences of the fact
that his late wife was actually returned to
earth and bearing tidings from the ar.gel
world, held sweet communication with him.
Some few weeks sicre the judge received
impressions that see had a surprise in store
for him ; to go to Terre Haute and she will
again meet him there. In obedience to
these summons, he became singularly con
spicuous in a thrilling scene enacted during
the progress of the evening's seance. At
seven o'clock Mrs. Stewart entered ' the
cabinet, the lights were turned down and
quiet prevailed, broken only by the sweet
and trembling vibrations of the doctor's
music-box, a condition necessary to assist
the controlling spirit to more full)' materia
lize. Some twenty minutes were in this
manner whiled away, when the door of the
cabinet opened, disclosing an angelic figure
arrayed in a complete bridal costume of
snow white texture, indescribably beautiful.
The veil, which appeared like a fleecy
vapor, encircled her brow, and being caught
at the temples, fell in graceful folds, and
seemingly almost enveloped her entire form.
Thus, like treading on clouds, the form
walked softly out upon the rostrum. The
judge, who had received spiritual intelli
gence as to what was about to occur, at
once recognized the materialization as that
of his departed wife, and exhibiting con
siderable feeling mingled with dignity of
manner, approached her with affectionate
greeting, and placing within her gloved
hand a boquet of rare flowers, imprinted
upou her lips a fervent kiss. "Are you
ready ?" inquired the doctor. "We are,"
responded the judge. Justice Denehle, of
this city, then stepped upon the rostrum
and joining the hands of the couple, in a
few well chosen words, in the name of the
great over-ruling power, united the mortal
to the immortal, vows of eternal constancy
were exchanged ; pledges of love were made
anew. At the conclusion ot this ceremony
the spirit bride received the congratulations
of the company present, then slowly re
ceded. As she crossed the threshold of
the cabinet a dazzling light flooded its pre
cincts, revcaliug to the audience a spirit
face of marvelous beauty. The music box
sent forth its nervous notes airain as the
writer sat in patient waiting, trusting that
the next materialization might prove to be
his "Uncle Dave." He failed to put in an
appearance. Cincinnati Commerical.
CREMATION IN GEORGIA.
From the Augusta Constitutionalist.
In Augusta, on Saturday evening last,
the body of a man who died on the 3d ult
Atlanta, was cremated under the direction
of "The Oriental Order of Humanity."
The coffin, a handsome rosewood, upon
which was engraved upon a silver plate,
"William II. Suppus, age, 42 ; died Novem
ber 4th, 1S76," was placed upon the pile,
and the order was then gathered in a cir
cle, solemn, grand and peculiar, around the
mortal remains of the deceased brother.
After the singular prayer of the order had
been delivered by the Junior Friar, the
torch was solemnly and deliberately applied
to the pile, and at ouce the flames leaped
upward.
The coffin was soon enveloped m flames
and thousands saw what had never been
seen here before, a human body cremated.
Balconies, windows, housetops, trees, awn
ing, to say nothing of the living mass that
thronged the street, were filled to witness
the proceeding. While the fire was lap
ping in angry fury the body of this great
man, the Friar delivered in the peculiar
language of the order, a most touching ora
tion. Soon the coffin began to crumble, and a
ghastly spectacle was presented to the' eye.
The body, blackened, burning,, hissing,
smoking, was clearly visible, and as
the strong odors filled the air, the cries and
shrieks of the men, women and children,
were heard rending the air on all sides.
After the funeral fires had burned down,
all that was mortal of W. B. Suppus was
gathered in the urn by the "Most Worthy
Keeper of the Sacred Relics," and the so
ciety, headed by the band, playing the dirge
specially written for the occasion, entitled,
"He has gone to his long, long home, un
soaked by water," returned to the hut
where the ashes were deposited iu the vault.
Then the society dispersed.
A jrood bunion remedy is to use pul
verized saltpetre and sweet oil ; obtain at
the drujrjrists nve or six 'cents' worth of
saltpetre, put into a bottle with sufficient
olive oil to nearly disslove it ; shake up
well, ami rub the inflamed parts night and
morning, and more if painful. This is a
well-tried remedy " '
. Two things in this world that should not
be trifled with a wotucn & opinion and the
businc3 eud of a wasp. ' '"
Advertising a Lost Dog.
Mr. Kcicshapernutn : If you vill told
die pccblcs - dat I haf my tog, Snyder.
loosed, una everypody vot has dot tog vill
prought him pack to Meinherr Kobse's der
fat Post O facers, I vill' pays you dirtecn
cents by Express office orter, mit der briv
iiich to examine him pefore you got it to
sec if it vas may be coundcrfeets. If dot
vas so, here is der tog inscription of him-
sclv :
His name vas Snyder, mit only vone eye,
on accoundt of a olt pladk cat vot pelongs
to a servant Irish girl mit red-headed hair.
Und also he haf only dree legs, by accoundt
of a mocolotif-cngines mitoud any pull-
ketcher. He vas a pov to;r vas Snyder, so.
He vas bald-headod all ofcr himselv, gonse-
quense of red-hot vater, on accoundt of
fighting mit a olt raaidt s cat. On vone
end of himselv vas situatct his head und
his tail it vas py der oder endtof him. He
only carries apout vone half of his tail mit
him at vonce, on accoundt of a circular
saw-miils. He looks a good deal more
olter as he vas alaeady, but he aiu't quiet so
olt as uudil der . Birthington's Washday
vas.
Der vay vot you can know him vas, if
you calls him "Shack" he von't said no-
dings, bud.vcn auypody named him Snyder
he says "row-wow I und in der meandime
vagging half of his dail dot oder half vas
cut off und he don't vag him some more al-
recd'. Also, if you d'row some sdones on
dop of him, he vill run and holler
"Ki-ji I ki-yi I" Dot vas . der vay you
could alvays told my tog.
He looks like a cross petween a pull-fonnt-
landt und a cat-mit-nine-dails but he ain't.
He got not efen vone whole dail, uud he
ain't cross not a pit much.
I haf been eferyvhercs looking fot dot
tog. Yhcn I vas in Canada last veek, a pig
lofer-mans comes ub to me, und said he :
"Don t you know I know you ?'
"No, you don't. Do I know you ? If I
know you, told me vonce who I vas ?'
'You vas- Mr. Ross," says he, "und -ou
vas looking for your leedle poy Sharley."
"No, sir ; I vas Von Boyle," says I, "uud
I vas looking for my leedle Snyder."
Anoder vay dot you could told if it vas
Snyder is dot he vas almost, a dwin. He
vould pe half a pair of dwius dot dime,
only dexe vas dree of dem a pair of dwins
uud a half.
Also he haf got scars on dob of him, out
side all der vhile, vhere he haf scratched
himselv mit a Thomas cat bud dot Thomas
cat nefer recover himselv any more already.
You could also told Snyder on accoundt
of his vonderful inshtinct. He can out-in-shtinct
any tog vot you nefer saw in my
life. Vor if you bat him on der dop of bis
head mit 'our hant, he knows right avay
you like him, but vhen you bats him on der
head mit a bavement shotues or der shtick
of a proom, den he vill suspect already vot
you cared not fery much apout him all ter
vhile. Dot vas my tog Snyder.
Wiluelm Von Boyle.
SHE KNEW THE BEST.
"You see that hoss, don't you Tr cald
out a woman about forty years of age, as
she drove up to a Grand River avenue
blacksmith shop yesterday.
The smithcame out and said that his
sight was good.
"I want a shoe on that right hind foot
right at once," she continued, and she
jumped down and had the horse almost
out of the wagon before the smith reached
the curbstone. She led tho beast into the
shop, sat down on the bench and prepared
to take a smoke, and as the blacksmith took
down a shoe she observed :
"No fooling, now. I want that shoe to
stick to that foot for a whole year. You
can't impose on me 'cause I'm a woman."
After the hoof had been prepared the
horse suddonly , became restive, dancing
around and bothering the blacksmith so
that he could not proceed.
"You don't seem to have had any ex
perience with horses," remarked the wo
man, as she rose up and laid her pipe aside.
"I know this beast from Dan'l to Berthcsda,
and you jist git back a little."
The smith retreated a few feet and the
woman caught the horse by the' gave
him a two hundred pound kick in the ribs
and yelled :
"Whoa! Charles Henry git around
there stand over and take that and this
and some more ! " Nov? come up and toe
the mark !
Charles Henry kk-ked the anvil off the
block as she kicked his ribs, but she kicked
the hardest, and when the blacksmith stuck
his head into the shop, the horse was half
way over a bench, but as quiet as a lamb.
"Now proceed," said the woman, as she
picked up her pipe.- "When a hoss goes
to fooliu' around me and aching for a row,
he's laying up a sorrow for his gray hairs."
"DATS HIM."
A rather elderly darkey was inquiring
of a policeman if he kuew anything of his
son Pete.
The policeman replied that there was a
young darkey iu the lock up, who had a
mouth like a stable door, and a piece bitten
out of one of his ears, that was locked up
for breaking up a prayer meeting with an
axe handle.
''Dat's him," exclaimed the overjoyed pa
rent ; "he told me as how he was gwine to
muse hisself."
A clergyman in Northern Indiana ascend
ed the pulpit the other Sunday aud said :
"No- man can serve the Lord while he has
tlio jumping .tpojhache. ,1 therefore dis
rciss the congregutionv" . ;. v1 -r : t .
A WONDERFUL ilSH.
The Scientific American gives the follow
ing account of a peculiar species of fish,
heretofore comparatively unknown to na
turalists : "Mr. Giilett, of Martin, Oillett
&, Co., of Baltimore, Md., has just returned
from Japan, bringing with him a beaatiful
and rare fish, n?ver before seen in this
country, and which he has kindly loaned
to the New York Aquarium. The peculiar
features are several brilliant colors and
three separate and distinct tails, all of which
the Japanese claim are the result of many
aud successful years of the most careful
breeding. A number of attempts have been
made to introduce this fish into American
waters, but this is the only instance of suc
cess. A tank, suspended like a compass,
to avoid the ships motion, was especially
constructed, and then, notwithstanding the
greatest care, attention, and constant watch
ing, out of eighty-eight only seven survived
the journey. The remaining six that 5lr.
Giilett has have spawned, resulting in fifty
young fry, which exhibit all the peculiar
ties of the originals. It is Mr. Gillett's in
tention, as soon as he has a sufficient stock,
to give some of them to persons who will
endeavor to raise them. The fish loaned
to the aquarium is a magnificent specimen,
and exhibits all the several beautiful colors
in perfection."
CORN AND HOGS.
From carefully conducted experiments
by different persons, it has been ascertained
that one bushel of corn will make a little
more than ten pounds of pork gross. Tak
ing the result as a basi, tin? fallowing de
duction arc made which all cur farmers
would do well to lay by fjt a convenient
reference, that :
When corn sella at l2 cents per bushel
pork costs If cent per pound.
When corn costs 17 cents per bushel,
pork costs 2 cents per pound.
- When com costs 25 cents per bushel
pork costs 3 cents per pound.
When corn costs 3l cents per bushel,
pork costs 4 cents per pound.
Wheii corn costs 50 cents per bushel,
pork costs 5 cents per pound.
The following statements show what the
farmer realizes on his corn when sold in the
terms of pork :
When pork sells at 3 cents per pound, it
brings 25 cents per bushel in corn.
When pork suite at 4 crrt-s per pound,
it brings 32 cents' per bushel in corn.
When pork sells at 5 ceuts per pound,
it costs 40 cents per bushel in corn.
" - V
So long as a man drinks every minute,
he has but little opportunity for sober se
cond thoughts.
A Newark policeman had a pair of boot3
half soled last full with a boarding house
beefsteak and he hasn't had we't feet all
winter.
'Ola, go down on your hands and knees
a minute, please." "What on earth shall I
do that for pet?" "Cause I want to draw
an elephant."
There is a lady in New York who is such
a stickler for polite formality that when
she can't attend church she sends her card
to the clergyman
A shrewd Yankee said he didn't believe
there was any downright cure for laziness
in a uran.- "But," he added, "I've known
a second wife to hurry it some."
A little five-year-old of Dorchester some
what surprised his mother, a few days
since, with the remark : "God is every
where ; he is all over me. and when von
spank me yeu spank God."
A prudent man adrrsed his drunken ser
vant to put by his money for a rainy day.
In a few weeks his master asked how much
of his wages he had saved. "Faith, none
at all," he said, "it rained yesterday aud it
all went."
"What do you charge a quart for your
milk?" asked a woman of a milkman the
other morning. "Six cents," was the
rer3;f "Ain't you got any for five cents ?"
"No," said the milkman, "but I cau make
you some."
Their little girl gets confused. After
being tenderly tucked up in her crib, mam
ma said : "Now your prayers, Janet." The
response came froa the little one, half
asleep : "Now I lay me down to sleep,
when the wiud blows the cradle will rock.
Amen."
A quaint minister once said, "Now,
brethren, I propose to throw this hymn
book at the man who used profane lan
guage yesterday." He made the necessary
gesture, as though he would hurl the book,
and, curiously enough, every man iu tho
congregation ducked his head.
"Pa, what does it mean to be tried by a
jury of one's peers ?" "It means my son,
that a man Ls to be tried by a jury com
posed of men who are his equals on au
equality with him, so they will Lave no
prejudice agaiust him." "Then, pa, I
guess you'd have to be tried by a jury of
bald-headed men !"
At the breakfast-table of a certain board
ing house, the landlady gave Mr. Jones a
severe look, and said : Mr. Jones, I under
stand you have beeu circulating injurious
report about my house." "How madam ?"
"1 understand that you said you had used
better butter than I have here to greaso
cart-wheels with." "I did so, madam,
but not to injure your house. I have used
better butter, madam, to grease cart-wheel
but I wouldn't do it asiain. I'd siJ! t. tA
you'.", She accepted the apobgy. "