10
THE SCRATON. TRIBUNE- WEDNESDAY MORNING, MARCH .11, 1896
Copyright. U96, by Bacheller,
. ' - " SYNOPSIS.
f Captain KIsotk returning from a cruise
of eighteen inunttw. find that hi duunh
ter Ohrtssle. during: hid avbaenc, has be
come ena-lted. 1 Jack Metcalfe, a smart
3 VUIIK law.wi uw statu vin f ,.-.. ......
In a laweuM. The banns, art- about to he
relied for Hie third time. The captain
a tea- rho banns unil decide to take 1irls
le sway for a year's cruise. While he is
firepttriuer for It, he lea him that the lovers
intend to elope. He keeM watch over
4'hrissie, but tlriii of tills, orders hin
Iwatswain Tucker to guard her. Chrlssle,
htt Aunt Jane, an t Susan, the rook, set
ihelr wits at work to befool the boal
. PART ir.
On the fourth day. time srettinpr short.
Clirlasle went on a new tack with her
keeper, and SuHan. sorely against her
will, had to follow suit, Chrlssle
mniied at Mm. Susan called him Mr.
Tucker, and Mins Poison pave him a
Bias of her best wine. From the po
sition of an outcast ho jumped in one
bound to that of contldentlal adviser.
Miss Poison told him many items of
family Interest, and later on In the aft
ernoon actually consulted him as to
a bud cold which. Chrlssle had devel
oped. ll prescribed half a pint of linseed
nil hot, but Miss I'olson favored chlor
tiilyne. The conversation tinned on
the deadly qualities of that Unitf when
taken in excess, of the fatal xleep Into
which It lulled Its victims. So disas
trous were the Incldentn cited that half
nil hour later when, her aunt and Su
san being; out, Chrlssle took a small
bottle of chlnrodyne from the mantle-
piece, the boatswain lmplord her to
try his nastier but safer remedy ln
Mttad. "Nonaense." salo? Chrlasle, "I'm only
trolnjr to take twenty drops, line two
three "
The drug suddenly poured out In a
little streum.
"1 should think that's about It." said
Chiissie, holding the tumbler up to the
llRht.
"It's; about r,09." said the horrified
Tucker; "don't take thut, miss, what
ever you do. Ict me measure it for
yon."
The Elii waved him away, and before
lie could Interfere drank off the con
tents of the RhisH and resumed her sent.
The boat huh in watched her uneasily,
and taking up the phlul, carefully, read
ONE FOOT WAS ACTIXG TJ A' MAX
NKH THAT WAS FULL OF
INTKLdJlSKNCK.
through the directions. After that he
was not at all surprised to see the book
fall from hla charge's hand onto the
floor and her eye close.
"I knowed it." said Tucker, in a pro
fuse perspiration. "I knowed It. Them
gals are all alike. Always knows
what's besU Miss Poison! Miss Poi
son!" He shook her roughly, but to no pur
pose, and then running to the door
shouted eagerly for Susan. No reply
forthcoming, he ran to the window, but
there was nobody in sight, and he
came back and stood In front of the
Eli I, wringing his huge hands helpless
ly. It was a great question fur a poor
sailorman. If ho went for a doctor he
deserted his post; if he didn't go, his
i hurge might die. lie niu.de one more
attempt to awaken her. and seizing a
flower-glass splashed her freely with
cold water. She did not even wince.
"It's no use fooling with It." mur
mured Tucker. "1 must pet the doc
tor, that's all."
He quitted the room and. dashing
hastily down stairs, had already opened
the hall door, when a thought struck
him and he came buck again. Chrlssle
was still asleep in the chair, and with
a smile at the clever way in which he
had solved a difficulty he stooped down
and raising her In his strong arms bore
her from the room and down stairs.
Then a hitch occurred. The triumph
ant progress was marred by the behav
ior of the hall door, which, despite his
efforts, refused to be opened, and. en
cumbered by his fair burden, he could
not for some time ascertain the reason.
Then, full of shame that so much deceit
could exist In so fair and frail a habita
tion, he discovered that Miss Poison's
foot was pressed firmly aguinst it. Her
eyes were still closed and her head
heavy, but the fact remained that one
foot was acting in a manner that was
full of Intelligence and guile, and when
he took it away from the door the other
one took its place. By a sudden man
euver the wily Tucker turned his back
on the door and oiiened it, and at the
same moment a hand came to life again
and dealt him a stinging- slap on the
face.
"Idiot." said the indignant Chrlssle,
slipping from hla amis and confronting
him. "How dare you take such a lib
erty?" The astonished boatswain felt his
face and regarded her open-mouthed.
"Don't you ever dare to speak to me
again," said the offended maiden, draw
ing herself up with irreproachable dig
nity. "1 am disgusted with your con
duct. Most unbearable."
"I was carrying you off to the doc
tor," said the boatswain. "How was I
to know you was only shamming?"
"Shamming?" said Chrlssle, in tones
of incredulous horror. "I was asleep. I
often go to sleep in the afternoon."
Skin
Remedies
Are Pure ,
Sweet Gentle ,
And Most
Economical
c-trU-- tela tftmrtmt tka
i hufil NaarMai "
: 1
tag Sam
Cor,
Johnson and Baclielleta
The boatswain made no reply except
to grin with great intelligence as he
followed his charge upstairs again. He
grinned at intervals until the return of
Susan ami Miss Poison, who, trying to
look unconcerned, canie in later on,
both apparently- suffering from temper,
Susan especially. Amid the sympa
thetic Interruptions of thise listeners
Chrlssle recounted her experience, while
the boatswain, despite his better sense,
felt like the greatest scoundrel unhung,
u feeling which was fostered by the
remarks of Susan and the chilling re
gards of Miss Poison.
"I shall inform the captain." said Miss
Poison, bridling. "It's my duty."
"Oh, I shall tell him." said Chrlssle.
"I shall ell him the moment he comes
in at the door."
"So shall I," said Susan, "The Idea of
taking such liberties."
Having fired their broadside, the two
watched the enemy narrowly and anx
iously. "If I've done anything wrong, ladles."
said the unhappy boatswain. "I am
sorrv for it. 1 can't say anything fair
er than that, und 1 11 tell the cap'n
myself exactly how 1 came to do it.
when he comes In."
.'i'nh telltale." snld Susan.
"(l course, If you are here to fetch
and carry." said Miss I'olson, with
withering emphasis.
"The Idea of a grown man telling
tales." said Chrlssle, scornfully. Baby."
"Why. Just now you were all going to
tell him yourselves," said the bewil
dered boatswain.
The two elder women rose and re
garded him with looks of pitying dis
dain. Miss Polson'B glance said "fool"
plainly. Susan, a simple child of na
ture, given to expressing her mind free
ly, said "blockhead" with conviction.
"1 see 'ow It is." said the boatswain
afler ruminating deeply. "Well, 1 won't
split, ladles. 1 can see now you was
all in it, and it was a little job to
get me out of the house."
"What a head he's got." said the ir
ritated Susan, "Isn't it wonderful how
he thinks of It all? Nobody would
think he was so clever to look uf him."
"Still water runs deep," said the
boatswain, who was beginning to have
a high opinion of himself.
"Ami pride goes before a fall," said
Chrlssle; "remember that, Mr. Tucker."
.Mr. Tucker grinned, but remember
ing the fable of the pitcher and the
well pressed his superior officer that
evening to relieve him from his duties.
He stated that the strain was slowly
undermining a constitution which was
not so strong as appearances would
warrant, and that his knowledge of fe
male human nature was lamentably de
tlclent on many important points.
"You're doing very well." said the
captain, who had no Intention of at
tending any more Dorcnses. "Very
well Indeed. T am proud of you."
"It ain't a man's work," objected the
boatswain. "Besides, If anything hap
pens, you'll blame me for it."
"Nothing can happen," declared the
ouptaiii, confidently. "We shall make
a start in about four days now. You're
the only man I run trust with such a
delicate Job, Tucker, anil 1 shan't forget
you."
"Very good." said the other deject
edly. "I obey orders, then."
The next day passed quietly, the
members of the household making a
great fuss of Tucker, and thereby .fill
ing him with forebodings of the worst
possible nature. On the day after,
when the rantuin. having business at
a neighboring town, left him In sole
charge, hla uneasiness could not be con
cealed. "I'm going for a walk." said Chrls
sle, as he sat by himself, working out
daugerous moves and the best means
of checking them. "Would you care
to come with me. Tucker?"
"1 wish you wouldn't put It thnt
way, miss," said the boatswain, reach
ing for his hat.
"I want exercise," said Chrlssle, "I've
been cooped up long enough."
She set off at a good pace up the high
street, a'-temled by her faithful follow
er, and. passing through the small sub
urbs, struck out into the country be
yond. After four miles the boatswain,
who was no walker, reminded her that
they had got to go back.
"Plenty of time." said Chrlssle. "We
have got the day before us. Isn't It
glorious? Do you see that milestone.
Tinker? I'll race you for it. Come
along."
Idhe was off on the Instant, with the
boatswain, who suspected treachery,
after her.
"You can run," she panted, thought
fully, as she came In second. "We'll
have another one presently. You don't
know how good it Is for you. Tucker."
The boatswain grinned sourly and
looked at. her from the corner of his
eye. The next three miles were like
a horrible nightmare, his charge mak
ing a race In which the laboring boat
swain, despite Ills .want of practice,
SHOT HIM Ol'T INTO THE ROAD.
came In the wlryier for every milestone.
The fourth race ended disastrously,
Chrlssie limping the lust ten yards and
seating herself, with a very woebegone
face, on the milestone.
"You did very well, miss." said the
boatswain, who thought he could af
ford to be generous. "You needn't be
offended about it."
"It's my ankle." said Chrlssle. with
a little whimper. "Oh, I twisted it
right around."
The boatswain stood regarding her In
silent consternation.
"it's no use looking like that," said
Chrlssle. sharply. "You great, clumsy
thing. If you hadn't have run so hard
it wouldn't have happened. It's all
your fault."
"If you don't mind leaning on me a
bit," said Tucker, "we might get
along."
. Chrlssle took his arm petulantly, and
they started on their return Journey
at the rate of about four hours a mile,
with little cries and gasps at every
other yard.
"It's no use," said Chrlssle, as she
relinquished his arm, and, limping to
the side of the road, sat down. The
boatswain pricked up his ears hope'
fully at the sound of approaching
wheels.
"What's the matter with the young
lady?" inquired a groom who was driv
ing a little trap, as he pulled up and
regarded with Interest a grimace of
extraordinary intensity on the young
lady's face.
"Broke her ankle. I think." said the
boatswain, glibly. ".Which way are you.
going?"
' Well. I'm going to Sunset Bay." said
the groom, "but my gov'nor's rather
ptrtlckier." '
"I'll make it all right with you," said
the boatswain.
The groom hesitated a minute, and
then made way for Chrlssle, as the
boatswain assisted her to get up be
side him: then Tucker with a grin of
satisfaction at getting a seat once more
clambered up behind and they started.
"Have a rug", mate?" said the groom,
handing the reins to Chrlssle and pass
ing one over. "Put It round your knees
and tuck the ends under you."
"Ay, ay! mate!" said the boatswain
as he obeyed the instructions.'
"Are you sure you are quite com
fortable?" said the groom, affectionate
ly. "Quite," said the other.
The groom said no more, but in a
quiet business-like fashion placed hla
hands on the seaman's broad back and
shot him out Into the road. Then he
snatched the reins from Chrlssle, and
drove off at a gallop.
Without the faintest hope if winning.
Mr. Tucker, who realised clearly, ap
pearances notwithstanding, that he had
fallen Into a trap, rose utter a hurried
rest and started on his fifth race thut
morning. The prize was only a second
rate groom with nlated buttons, who
wan waving cheery farewells to him
with u dingy top hat. but the boatswain
would have sooner had it than a silver
tea-service.
He ran as ho had never run before In
his life, but all to no purpose, the trap
stopping calmly a little further on to
take up another passenger In whose
favor the groom retired to the back seat.
Then with a final wave of the hand to
him they took a road to the left and
drove rapidly out of sight. The boat
swain's watch was over.
The end.
"The Sickle of Fire." a scientific ro
mance, by Charles Kelsey Gaines, will
begin tomorrow.
LITF.RARY GOSSIP.
Some time ago It was announced, with
a certulu show of authority In an Inter
view with Madame Sarah Bernhardt,
that she was writing her memories,
which were not to be published until
after her denth. Subsequently this wits
flatly denied. Again It was reported
that Kleannra Duse was engaged in
writing her Lire, but the Hook man hus
been authorized to state that she Is not
writing this nor any other hook.
!l !! i!
A decade has imssed away since that
very remarkable novel "The Silence of
Dean Maitland" was published, and yet
we.belleve "Maxwell !iay" still has a
faithful following who would like to
know who th author Is like. This Is
told In the March Bookman as follows:
"Maxwell dray" (Mins Mary K.
Tuttlett). as she Is most widely known,
is the daughter of a physician who has
spent the greater part of his life In New
port, In the Isle of Wight. Miss Tut
tlett has made us familiar with the sur
rounding scenery of her home in the
graphic pages of her famous story. She
is an Invuliil and docs all her writing
lying on a sofa, and It Is ten years since
she was out of the Isle of Wight. The
bouse in which the Silence of Dean
Maitland. the Keproach of Annesley. In
the- Heart or the Storm, and the I-Ast
Sentence were written Is now trans
formed Into "The Bee-Hive," where
silks and wools are vended. I.Ike many
greater novelists, Miss Tuttlett began
her career with poetry, and her last
book, recently published in Kngland, Is
a. narrative poem, "Lays or the Dra
gon Slayer." suggested by the Nlbel-
ungen Lied. A story or hers published
long ago In lilniJnvond rolled A Han
som Cabman has been dramatized
under the name of An Unexpected
Fare. An attempt has also ben made
recently to put Dean Jlultland on the
stage, but the result has been unfor
tunate for Forbes Kobertson. The si
lence of Dean Maitland was begun and
finished during one yeur amid many In
terruptions from ill health. It was re
turned once with an objection to the
plot; but on its appearance in J8K6 it
met with instant success.
!! II II
K. D. Bluekmore's new novel, en
titled "Duiiel: a Homo nee of Surrey,"
will be publtsed by Messrs. Dodd, Mead
and company. It will not appear until
1SH7.
I! !! I!
SAD BOOKS? ' '
Not many books reveal the pathos deep
That wrings unwilling tears from unused
eyes.
When secret, sublle power In aniliush lies
And hlils the careless reader pause and
weep,
Awakening griefs at rest anil woes nsloep
That sudden- start up shuddering phan
toonwise. And fancy moved to ruthless memory
cries,
And silenced sorrow now complaining
keep,
Hut oh! what pathos breathes from stories
read,
Tn hushed sick-rooms a weary hour to
speed.
To speed an hour and so few hours re
main! When tired eyes faintly smile, forgetting
pain,
And one with riven heart must read and
read
Though short the time and so much left
unsaid.
II II II
The success of Stephen Crane's "Red
Badge of Courage" has aroused an in
terest in his first book, "Maggie: A
Olii of the Streets," published when he
was a little more than twenty-one years
of age. Mr. Crane could not get no
publisher to bring out the book, so he
published it at his own expense. Only
a. few conies were printed, and even
they were not sold except, perhaps, for
waste-paper. There were a few per
sons who read the book, however, among
them Mr. Howell and Mr. Garland, who
spoke very highly if its promise.
"Maggie" was not an immoral story, as
many persons imagined from its title;
It was coarse in the way that "Chlmmie
Fadden" Is coarse; but there was more
objection to bad language from the
mouth of a girl-tough than from a boy.
The book, however, will be republished
or published, we should say iierhups,
for the first publication was little more
than a printing by the Messrs. Apple
tun, who will also publish a new story
by Mr. Crane, called "The Third Violet,"
which Is a story of life among the
younger and poorer artists of New
York. Mr. Crane has Just finished an
other Ftory. "With the Keglment,"
which will be published serially In Mc
Clure's. lie writes the Critic thai this
will be his last battle story.
!! II II
FAMOUS NOMS DK PLt'MK:
"Marietta" was the pseudonym of Har
riet M. Bradley.
"Marlon Ilurland" Is the assumed name
of M. Virginia Terhune.
"Hans Yorkel" was the name chosen
bv A. Oakey Hall when publishing nis
"Kallads."
Mrs. C. M. Klrkland chose ".Mary Cul
vers" as her pen-name when publishing
"A New Home."
"Jenny June" was the name chosen by
Mrs. Jennie C Croly, on- account of Its
alliteration.
The nom de plume of P. K. Hunt, who
wrote "The Fourth Ksdate," was "A
Student-at-baw."
"John Oldbug" was the pen-name Rev.
Leonard Withington placed on the title
page of "The Puritan."
"Max Adder" was the name chosen by
Charles Heber Clark for his comic deline
ations of character.
"Marlon Ward" was the name tinder
which Mrs. Harriet M. Stephens published
most of her novels.
J. W. Morris, whose poems once found
a ready sale, published them under the
pseudonym "K. N. Pepper."
Thomas de Wulnoy is better known as
the "English Opium Eater." It Is a pain
ful reference to the vice of which he was
long the vletlm.
Kev. Oeorge Ross wrote over the name
of "Arthur Sketchley." An eastern
magaxlne says that It was the name of
a schoolboy friend.
Sir Walter Scott's little known "Talea
of My Landlord" was published under the
curious nom de plume, "Jededlah Cleish-bo-tham."
Henry W. Longfellow once used a pen
name. It was prefifxed to his "History
of Newbury," and ha chose "Joshua Cof
fin,' for the purpose.
ANECDOTES OF BILL NYE
' .'4 r
Several Fanny Stories Recalled About
the Dead Humorist.
MAXY INIMITABLE DROLLERIES
Wncra Nyo Draw ths l.ios-IIis Resigna
tion as Postmaster-Ills First Poem.
Ills Favorites - Ell Perkins
Truthful Reminiscences.
When Bill Nye was elected Justice
of the peace In Laramie City, says the
Times-Herald, he went to a shoe dealer
named Kipp to get that man nf means
to go on his official bond. Nye had
long been Kipp's good customer and he
had some right to expect such a neigh
borly concession.
Klpp begged off. however, with many
protestations. He declared thut noth
ing would delight him more than to go
on Judge Nye's ofilciul bond, but some
years before he hud promised his moth
er, now dead and gone, that he would
never go on anyone's bond.
This, of course, was sufficient for
Nye, and would lie no trouble whatever
ubout tilling up the bond, and so they
parted ipilte pleasantly. Shortly after
ward, when one day a case came up be
fore Nye's court In which Klpp was
surety on the bond of one of the part
ies. Nye suddenly adjourned court and
proceeded as swiftly as his long legs
could bear him with any degree of dig
nity to the mercantile establishment of
Mr. Kipp and demanded that his bill,
then current, should be produced at
once.
Mr. Klpp saw that Nye's choler was
up, and he was alarmed, for he did not
like to lose so good a customer.
"Vy ees dls, Bhudge?" Inquired Klpp.
"De pill vasn't due, unt oof it vas, dere
vas no hurry of It."
Nye Insisted upon paying, however,
and then he explained:
"It doesn't make any difference to me.
Mr. Kipp, that you refused to go on.
my bond and thut I have discovered
your name on the bond of another, but
I don't want anything to do with a
man who soes back on his poor dead
mother, as you have done. There's
where I draw the line, and business
between you and me must forever
cease."
II II II
HIS RKSICNATION.
When Nye was appointed postmaster
at Laramie by First Asslstuut Post
master General Hatton he wrote a let
ter to that official congratulating the
nation upon the wisdom thut had led
to his (Nye's) appointment; but when
a year or two after, ill health having
driven him away from Laramie, he was
forced to resign, his letter of resigna
tion wAs perhaps the most unhiue offi
cial document that has ever passed Into
the national archives. He explained
how the safe combination was set, also
how to make the office stove draw, and
gave some valuable information as to
who should be trusted for box rents,
stamps, etc., and gave some of the
characteristics of the office cat. Also
during the course of the report he took
occasion to remark: .
"There Is some milling stock In my
private drawer in the safe which I have
ir you desire it. It is a luxury, but you
may have it. I have" decided to keep
a horse instead or this mining stock.
The horse may not be so pretty, but will
cost less to keep him."
II II II
IIIS FIRST POKM.
Nye's first attempt at poetry of
marked character was in blank verse,
and was printed in Will Visseher's
paper. Hello, published at Denver. At
that time Oscar Wilde was making his
Illy and su n fin wer crusade in this coun
try and had Just struck the Uocky
Mountain region. This is the "poem";
APOSTKOPHK.
ADDRF.SSKD TO O. WILDE.
Soft-eyed seraphic kuss
With limber legs and lily on the side,
We greet you from the raw
And uncouth west.
The cowboy yearns lo yank thee j :
To his browny breast and squeeae
Thy palpitating xlKzard
Through thy vest. ;f
lb
Come to the mountain fastness,
Oscar, with thy low-neck shirt
-And hlgli-iieck panls;
l-'ly to the coyote's home,
Thou son of
Albion,
James Crow bard and champion aesthete
Krom o'er the summer aea.
Sit on the fuzzy cactus, king of poesy,
And song.
Hide the tierce bronco o'er tihe dusty plain.
And let the sephyr sigh among thy buttery
locks.
Welcome thou genius of dyspeptic song,
Thou hllloiM lunatic from far on lands,
Come to the home of genius,
Jy the snowy hills.
And wrestle with the alcoholic inspiration
Of our cordial home.
We yearn
To put the bloom upon thy alagastor nose.
And plant the, Jim Jams
In thy clustering hair. .
Hull, mighty suoozer from across the
main!
We greet thee
With our free, untutored ways and wild.
Peculiar style of deadly beverage.
Come to the broad, free west and mingle
With our hiuh-toned mob.
Come to the glorious Occident
And dally with tho packniule's whlsk-
tau;
Study his odd, yet soft demeanor,
And peculiar mien.
Tiejile his gambrel with a sunflower bud
And scout
Across the blue horizon
To the tooness of the sweet and succulent
beyond,
Weil gladly
fial her up the shattered remnants
With a broom and ship thee to thy beau-
tpous home,
Forgi t us not.
Thou bullous pelican from o'er the sea.
Thou blu-i,osed dam
With pimply, bulging brow, but 2
Come und we will welcome thee
With undent omelet and frag rant sail,
sago
Of forgotten years.
Laramie City, Wyo Jun. 1, ItisJ.
!l II II
NVK'S FAVORITES.
A few years ago, when "questions of
prererence" were the fad. a friend of
the humorist sent him a list, which he
filled out as follows:
MY FAVORITES.
President Abraham Lincoln.
Hero Hrigham Young.
Poet Shakespeare.
Novelist Charles Dickens,
Kssuylst The Sweet tilrl Graduate.
Vlrt ue Procrastination.
Color Navy Hlue.
Month October.
Flower "Pillsburv's Best."
Motto The Gulden Rule.
Name (masculine) Mat.
Name (feminine) Ionise.
Occupation Longing for dinner time.
Amusement Whist.
Ideality Home. .
Perfume New Mown Hay mown by
some one else.
Dish-Oyster on the half-shell.
Chief ambition To "get there."
Dislike The full-grown cyclone.
Favorite characters In fiction Little
Nell, Ivanhoe, and Little Dorrlt.
Ten favorite books "Old Curlosltv
Shop," "Ivanhoe." "lillliurd on Torts,'1
"Pilgrim's Progress," "The Blue Book,"
"Baxter's Saints' Rest," "The Cook
Book," rash book, spelling book and slate.
Yours incoherently, BILL NYE,
II II II ,
LETTER TO VISSCHER.
Colonel Will Visscher tells the follow
ing anecdote of Nye: He had a way of
Baying, in private conversation, the
most humorous things, but those not
acquainted with him and hot of acute
appreciation would wonder at his earn
estness on trivial subjects. Once when
a cyclone caught him and fondled him
in ita funnel, danced him high in air,
swept the earth with Mnsil Anally,
in playful mood, depos Im on the
ground with a broken I 'wrote me
a letter, responsive to one of Jest as to
his experience.
- "If 1 ever have any influence in the
New Jerusalem, you shall some day
have a nice new harp that has never
been played on and as pretty a
crown aa there is on the evergreen
ahore."
Then, after alluding to hla accident,
he says:
"My leg is growing together all right,
and the doctors say they will shortly
turn me loose on the community again.
I have had a long, hard siege, and it
seems tough at times, but I never kick
1 don't dare. Many have asked how
this thing happened. I cannot state
definitely, but I think I must have
stepped on a njpel of thunder. People
cannot be too careful when peeling
their thunder about leaving the peels
around where innocent and unsuspect
ing persons may step on them."
II II I!
PERKINS' STORIES.
. In the Sun Kll Perkins w rites: I first
met Kdgar Wilson Nye fifteen years
ago while passing through Laramie.
Wyo. Mr. Nye was then practicing
law and making his first reputation
as a humorist through editorials and
paragraphs in his weekly Boomerang.
These editorials were Irresistibly
uuaint. F.veryone was reading his
newspaper and everyone loved the
genial writer. He never had but one
enemy, and that was the editor of the
Democratic newspaper across the wav.
This man saw nothing runny In Nye.
He wasted columns weekly culling Nye.
to his great amusement, "an idiot and
a crack-brained rattlesnake editor from
Moosehead Lake."
Hill Nye was then, as ever afterward,
a delicate and retiring man. When I
asked him why the rival editor called
him such names, he said:
"Well, he Is a Democratic editor and
has to be precise In his statements. I
was born on Moosehead Lake In Maine,
and grew up among the Indians and
rattlesnakes of the west."
"1 see you are a lawyer as well as an
editor?" I said.
"Yes, I practiced law about a year,
but." he added, without changing a mus
cle, "nobody knew much about it here;
1 kept It very quiet. I had been a Jus
tice of the peace In Laramie for six
years."
"Did you ever marry anyone?"
"Oh, yes: I married my wife, and af
ter that I used to marry others and
then try them for other offenses."
Noticing thut the humorist had very
white teeth. I remarked upon their
regularity and whiteness, und asked
him what kept them so white.
"O, that's natural," he said. " Ml
teeth remain white if they are properly
taken care of. Of course, 1 never take
hot drinks, always brush my teeth ev
ery morning and evening, avoid all
acids, and although I am 35 years old,
my teeth are as good as ever."
"And this is all you do to keep your
teeth white?" I asked. -
"Well, yes-that is. barring the fact
that I put them In a glass of soft water
nights."
I! II II-'
. NYE'S POLITICS.
In politics Hill Nye was a Republican,
but he never let his political creed show
itseir In his writings. In fact. Demo
crats ai-e the largest readers of his
books.
One day I asked him what he throught
of the Democrat lo party.
"The Democratic party,'-he repeated.
"The Democratic party. Why, a Dem
ocrat keeps a drug store over there,
and when a little girl burned her arm
against the cok stove, and her father
went after a package of Russia salve,
this genial drug store Democrat gave
her p box of 'Hough on Rats." What
the Democratic party needs," said Mr.
Nye. "Is not so much a new platform as
a car load of assorted brains that some
female seminary had left over."
!l 11 II
DEFINING LITERATURE.
The attention of the public was first
called to the humorist's writings on ac
count or his vigorous Kngllsh. His lan
guage was or the wild west order. For
example: The professor of rational
psychology of Boulder college wrote to
the Boomerang and asked the editor
the question: "What Is literature?"
"What is literature?" exclaimed Bill,
pointing half-contemptuously at the
columns of the Boomerang. "What Is
literature? Cast your eye over these
logic-Imbued columns, you sun-dried
savant from the remote precincts.
Drink at the never-falling Boomerang
spring of forgotten lore, you dropsical
wart of a false and erroneous civiliza
tion. Read our 'Address to Sitting
Bull.' or our 'Ode to the Busted Snoot
of a Shattered Venus De Mllo," if you
want to fill up your thirsty soul with
high-priced literature. Don't go around
hungering for literary pie while your
eyttj are closed and your capacious eurs
are tilled with bules of hay."
ENGLISH HUMOR.
A tiEnglishman was talking with Mr.
Nye in Laramie about English und
American humor.
"In my opinion," said the English
man, "the humor of the I'nlted States,
If closely examined, will be found to de
pend, in a great measure, on the as
cendancy which the principle of utility
has gained over the Imaginations of a
rather imaginative people."
"Just so," replied BUI. "and, accord
ing to my best knowledge, the humtor
of England, If closely examined, will
lie found Just about ready to drop over
the picket fence Into the arena, but nev
er quite making connections. If we
scan the English literary horizon we
will find the humorist up a tall tree,
depending from a sharp knot thereof
by the slack of his overalls. He Is Just
out or sbjlit at the time you look in
that direction. He always has a man
working In his place, however. The
men who works In his place Is paring
down the hulf sole and newly pegging a
Joke that has recently been sent In by
the foreman for repairs."
QjADWAY'S
PILLS,
Always Reliable, Purely Vegetable,
MILD BIT EFFECTIVE.
Partly vegetable, act without pain, e'.ersnt
ly coated, tasteless, email sad oiey to take.
Kadwsy'e Hill aeslut nature, etlioalatiog to
healthful actiTity the liver, bowels and other
i geitive orient, leering the bowels In net
ural condition without asy bad alter effect.
Cure
Sick Headache,
Biliousness,
Constipation,
Piles
AND
All Liver Disorders.
(UDWaY'e PILL are purely TegetaMe. sella
end reliable. Cause perfect Dteietiea, ee eft
piste abeorptloa ana healthful regularity.
M eta a box. At Drag tlete, or by mail
"Beck of Aerlee" free by nail.
RAOWAY CO..
. 0. Box 184, We York.
(AUTION r ;
TO our patrons:
WuHhburn-Crosby Co, wisb to assure thdr natty pall
roAa thut they will thht year hold to their usual cuaiosa -'.milling
SfklCTLY OtD WUEA1 until eneWlSS
la fully cured. New wheat la now upon the market, anal
owing to the excessively dry weather many miller an
of the opinion that at Is already eurcd. and in prope
condition for milling. Washburn-Crosby Co. will tak
no risk., and will allow the new wheat fully tiara
months n auhn k.L.u 1 II ' "
LtJ
LtJ
This careful attention to every detail of millin ha
.4 ....1.1. f a d -
placed WshburaCraaby Co.'s flour tar abor
UGARGEL
Wholesale Agents.
IRON AND STEEL
. Bolts, Nuts, Bolt Ends, Turnbuckles, Washers, Riv
ets, Horse Nails, Files, Taps, Dies, Tools and Suj
plies. Sail Duck for mine use in stock.
SOFT STEEL HORSE SHOES
and a full stock of Wagon Makers' Supplies, Wheels
Hubs, Rinis, Spokes, Shafts, Poles, Bows, etc.
TTEB
SCRAN
Result U 4 weeks.
-f0f "a?.' bi0HN H. PHELPS.
Sprue Street, Soranton Pm.
PROFESSIONAL CARDS.
Dentists.
DR. WILLIAM A. TAFT. PORCELAIN,
Brldae and Crown work. OOice, 32a
Waahltif ton avenue.
C. C. LAUBACH. SURGEON DENTIST.
No. 116 Wyoming avenue.
R. M. 8TRATTON, OFKICB COAL EX
ohanve. Physicians and Surgeon.
DR. A. TRAPOLD. SPECIALIST IN
Dlaeaeei ot Women, corner Wyoming
avenue and Snrura atreet, Scranton. Of
fice hours, Thuradaya and Saturday..
a. m. to 6 d. m.
DR. O. EDGAR DEAN HA9 REMOVED
to C16 Sprure etreet. Scranton, Pu.
(Just opposite Court House Square.)
DR. KAY, 20 PENN AVE. : 1 to S P. At":
rail 2063. Die. of women, obstretrlcs and
and all din. of chll.
DR. W. E. ALLEN, 5l4 North Washington
avenue.
DR. C. L. FP.Ey7 PRACTICE LIMITED?
disease, ot the Eye, Ear. None and
Throat; office, 122 Wyoming ave. Resi
dence. S29yin atreet.
DR. L. M. GATES. 125 WASHINGTON
venue. Office hours, S to 9 a. m., 1.30
to 3 and 7 to S p. tn. Residence 309 Madi
eon avenue.
DR. J. C. BATESON. TUESDAYS AND
Friday., at 603 Linden street. Office
hours 1 to 4 p. m.
VR S.W. LAMEREAI'X. A SPECIAT"
lit on chronic disease of the heart,
lunga, liver, kidney and Benito uri
nary dleca.ee. will occupy the office of
Dr. Roue. 232 Adume avenue. Office
hours l to 6 p. ni.
Lawyers.
WARREN KNAPP, ATTORNEYS
and Counsellors at Law. Republican
building, Washington avenue, Scran
ton, Pa. .
JE8SUPS HAND. ATTORN'EYS AND
Counsellors at Law, Commonwealth
building, Washington nvenue.
W. H. JESSt'P,
HORACE K. HAND,
W. H. JESSt'P. JR.
PATTERSON WILCOX. ATTOR
neys and Counsellors at Law; offices
and t Library hullillng. Bcrnntnn. Pn.
ROSEWWLL II. PATTERSON,
i WILLIAM A. WILCOX
A LFREDH AND? WILLI A M J. HANdT
Attorneys and Counsellors!. Common
wealth building. Rooms 19, 20 nnd 21.
FRANK T. "OKELL, ATTORXEY-AT -Law,
Room 6. Coal Exchange, Scran
ton, Pa.
JAMES W. OAKFORO, ATTORNEY-at-I.aw.
rooms 3, 64 and 63, Common-,
wealth building.
SAMtTIL W. EDGAR. ATTORNEY-AT-Law.
Ofllcesn Spruce St.. 8crantonL Pa.
l."a. WATERS," ATTORNEY-AT-LAW,
423 Lackawanna ave Scranton. PaJ
crib "townsend, attorney-at-
l.aw. Dime Bank Building. Scranton.
Money to loan In large sums at a per
cent.
C R. PITCHER. ATTORNEY-AT-law,
Commonwealth building. Scranton,
pa.
H. C. SMYTH B, ATTORNEY AT LAW.
400 LacKawanna avenue.
C. COMEOYS. KlPRtrCE STREET.
D. B. REPLOOLE. ATTORNEY LOANS
negotiated on real eii
Spruce aire!.
B. F.
"vt.TAU aTTOBNEY-AT-LAW.
120 Wyoming; ave.. ncnuiion.
JAS.J. H. HAMILTON. ATTORN EY-AT.
law, a Commonwealth. bid g. Scranton.
ITm. C. RANCK. 1W WYOMING AVE.
Architect.
EDWARD H. DAVIS, ARCHITECT.
Roams 34, and SC. Commonwealth
building. Scranton.
B. L. WALTER, ARCHITECT. OFFICE
jear of CO Waahtngtoravenua.
LEWIS HANCOCK, JR.. ARCHITECT.
4B Bpruee at, cor. Washave., Scranton.
BROWN MORRIS. ARCHITECTS.
. Price bulldlnc. U Washington avenue,
Scranton.
tmu
g7 STKiTSl
OtftMef -
CONNELL
m
TON. PA.
RKSTORB
LOST VIGOR
WhM I tbuM what t.uMfe. Knren Debility. La. of Atnet tmr (In tHkrt
Mil. Ixmoueiir, AutvKr. Vwlt.c.1. nd Ul we.kn.HM, sra ear CM, at
aliM Pill.. Onlu .ktx.4 and full rtfot euicklr man). II iwflattM), luck
traahlMmaltfct.tlr. MiOi.uy.tm. mIM. mi.ii (bnakh Wttk
V!V. Hn.i.'.r. C.1 '' eaariMM la iilra or icfud lea awMy. ace MM
FtTAL MEDICINE CO., CfemlaM, Ohla.
Paarmaeiat, eon Wyoming Avanua and
School.
SCHOOL OF THE LACKAWAJMA.
Horejiton, Pa., prepare, boy. avodl alrla
(or college or business; thoroughly,
train, young children. Catalogue at re
quest. Openit September 9.
REV. THOMAS M. CANN,
WALTER H. B.UELL.
MI8S WORCESTER'S KTNDEROARTEM
and School. 412 Adams avenue, open
JB-pt. i.Klnegarten 110 perjerm.
Loans.
THE REPUBLIC SAVINGS AND
Loam Association will loan you money
on easier terms and pay you better on
Investment than any other association.
Call on a. N. t'allendur. Dime Bank
building.
Hotels and KcMtuurunU.
THV. ELK CAFE",12oand 127 ' FRANK
II n avenue. Rates reasonable.
P. ZE1GLER, Proprietor
SCRANTON HOUSE, NEAR D.L. VV.
pacHenger depot. Conducted on the
European plan. VICTOR KOCH. Prop.
WESTMINSTER HOTEL,
Cor. Sixteenth St. and Irving Place,
New York.
Rates, $3.50 per day and upward 1. (Amerl
can plan). E. N. ANABLH.
Proprietor.
Wire Sreciw.
JOB. KUETTEL, REAR 611 LACKA
wanna avenue, Scranton, Pa., mnufao
turer of Wire Screens.
Seeds.
O. R. CLARK & CO., SEEDSMEN AND
Nurserymen; etore 144 Washington ave
nuc; green house, 13t0 North Main avex
mie; more telephone 7H2.
.Miscellaneous.
BAUER'S ORCHESTRA MUSIC FOB
balls, picnics, parties, receptions, wed
ding" and concert work furnished. For
terms s.ldnss R. J. Bauer, conductor,
117 Wyoming avenue, over Hulbert'a
inuslc store.
JIEOAHGEE BROTHERS PRINTERS'
supplies, envelopes, paper bags, twin.
Warehouse, 130 Washington ave., Suraa
ton. Pa.
FRANK P. BROWN CO., WHOLE.
sale dealers In Wood ware. Cordage and
Oil Cloth. 710 West Lackawanna ave.
THOMAS A L" BR BY, EXPERT AC
rountant and auditor. Rooms II and 30,
Williams Rulldlng. opposite poatofllcc.
Agent for the Rex Fire Exitngulsher.
WELSBAGII LIGHT
Ipetiillj idified for ReUiig tad Sewli&
tm 4fk ammal Tl
soar and lvg tta efficiently f stxt
MOl M-nrila-
Hawinir at lout Ml nor am i. i
aruirj lip rturnera.
e-a-i ana bm ii.
HUNT I COHNELL CO.
434 UCKIWMM AVERUE,
f1af aturcra' Ataata.
Oil I Pi lie
MM