"i a. HENRY A. PARSONS, Jr., Editor and Publisher. NIL, DESPERANDUM. Two Dollars per Annui VOL. XII. KIDGWAY, ELK COUNTY PAl, THUHSDAY, DECEMBEB 14. 1882. NO. 43. f r . .. .. -w Tt. if" Tabula Rosa. I, . TIME 8FE1KS. Jx; fliat, mortals I I nm Tims I ' (J '' In every clime J Ye know ma by the scythe I bear Ye know me by the front 1 wear. Since mnn first set his foot upon this'earth, .-. IO I I hare marked each puny birth) ; and I have doled the sum of passing years - In patience nnclm tears Such ar an old man weeps When he his low. watch keeps Oerwhat, perchPuce, had better not have been, So full it tr.ems of want and woe and sin. The gift of years is mine: Ambassador divine, I bold for yon my subtle glass; I give each year, and watch it pass. Oh, that ye know their sweet and priceless worth, :- These years of heavenly birth 1 Oh, that ye might receive them thus I But no, Weakly ye let them go, Madly you soil the rago, In every hour and age, Until I fair, would cry for Justice' sword, indjpre'd the wrath of an offended Lord. Once rr.oro the hour is here ! Another year Is slipping through my trembling hands, That fain would stay the fluttering s'ands, Save that I know its worth to yon who live, The boon that Mercy 'deigns to give, I beg you now to hoar Timo's patient prayer j Behold the BCioll is white, Thereon inscriba such dee Js That when the old man reads, His voice may cry at last, "Lot vengeance cease; Their hearts are turjed to Joy and Lovo and Peace," Havptv's n'erMy. A STonv or new year's day. "Peep into the library do, father and see the dear girls. What n pi ture Ihey make !" Mr. IMl downtown was a man much respected as a rich, successful merchant, much feared as an over shrewd financier ; uptown, in his own house, he was just "father." Mrs. Ufell, a comely, stout, Monde matron, liad let her whole soul overflow on the little bald head of her first baby. Suc cessive babies brought more outpour ing of inexhaustible affection and in dulgence. She was content as a brood ing dove to be only "mother," and that Mr. Bell could ask greater glory or honor than to be "father," why, the idea was absurd. So absurd that it never came into his mind. On tiptoe He obeyed his wife's injunction and looked in at the library door. " What are they doing ?" he asked, in a whisper. "Directing envelopes for the New Year's cards the invitations to call, you know." they were certainly pretty, those three girls, with their slender forms thrown into graceful, unrestrained at titude as they sat about the library table eagerly talking and busily writ ing. They were respectively nineteen, eighteen and sixteen years old ; and called respectively .T.o or Josie for Jo sephine, Sissy for "Cecilia, and Tiny for Christina. These were their home pet names, to bo sure, but following a cus tom that obtains nowadays, they chose to be known by these diminutives out side in the fashionable world. The great society paper described them as 'three Graces shading in styles of beauty from Miss Josie's brunette bril liancy, through Miss Sissy's brown haired, blue-eyed bewilderment, to Miss Tiny's moonlight blondeness." The description was considered acurate as well as extremly poetical, and Mrs. Bell had asked the reporter to lunch. Josie read off names from a list, the other two sisters wrote, and a fourth a inilo called Poppet neatly piled ip envelopes. "LeVs see." said Josie "tlw A's. B's, C's all done down to the M's. Morse, Mortis, Mclntyro, Mumford " Sissy, who was biting her pen-handle In deep reflection, and had turned up her blue eyes to tho ceiling until the looked like the saint whose name she bore, interrupted just here with, " Jo, didn't we meet a Montgomery somewhere?" "Montgomery? No. Yes ; there was somebody of that name, it seems to me, at Saratoga." " I remember, " exclaimed Tiny, getting upon her knees in tho chair like a child, and stretching well across the table, "somebody, I've forgotten who, brought him up to us one day on the piazza, and said he was an agree able, man who lounged about the oflleo and seemed to have no friends." "Oh, ye s," said Josie, with uncer tainty ; "and I think he spoke of being at tho Windsor, in New York. Direct him an envelope, Sissy." "But, Josie, asked Tiny, "do wo know him ?" '' Nonsense, child ; people aren't so exact at New Year's. And we must have a lot of calls. Three girls of us! why, less than two or three hundred eallswould bo a disgrace." " Of course," taid Sis.-y, with a sense of the gravest responsibility; "and to secure that number wo must send out at least twice ns many invitations. There, 'Mr. Montgomery, Windsor Hotel.' It may not lind lum, but there's a chance, and every one counts." She threw the directed envelope among the others that were ready to be stamped and mailed. " Well, rny pets," Mr. Hell asked, as he came in and looked down at the pretty group in fond pride, "where are all these eards to be Kent ?" "Oh, papa," exclaimeu Jo, "now just run away we're ho busy." " Now, papa" and Sissy jumped up and kissed him " do be a docile parent, there'a a dear." " Yes, and don't disturb us," added Miss Tiny, clapping her hand over a pile of envelopes to protect them from scrutiny. Mr. T?oll Innlrnrl .1. 1, j . - umuacu, p.lLieu liieir heads all around, and observed, in a mildly speculative way, as he saw about one-quarter of the number to bo sent, "It seems to me tUcre aro a great many," " It's oil right, papa ;' we know tho customs of society," came the reassur ing chorus. "We know the euthtomth of thothlety perfee'ly," echoed In a shrill solo from Poppet, who at present lisps, being minus one milk-tooth in front, but who will shortly be known to the newspapers as "the piquant Miss Poppet Bell." Then all the girls jump up and niako a dash at papn, and in tt few moments a handsome old gentleman, very merry and very proud of his handsome and merry girls, makes a feint of having been ejected with great violence from the library, and the door is closed and locked on the inside. Mr. Bell can hardly stop laughing to say to his wife, " I suppose you know all about the cards sent out?'1 " Oil, no," sho answers, placidly; "I leave social matters to tho girls. They're great favorites, father, and very attractive. The number of friends they have is astonishing. It's all right." By force of example, Mr. Bell echoes, cheerfully, " Oh, yes, it's all right." On New Year's day there was a very rainbow of girls in the Bell drawing room. Such lilmy, dainty-luted dresses, such bright cheeks and eyes, such a be wildering tangle of glossy hair never before shimmered around a prosperous, beaming old father. Mr. Bell was so apt to be late downtown, or deeply absorbed in business schemes, or "see ing a man" in- the librarv during tho evening, that he had seldom met his daughter in grand toilet, rind had never realized what radiant creatures they were, ami tnat untovwi lie was chiefly known as "tho BM1 girls' father." lie himself, in full dress and a light overcoat, was complimented by his eldest daughter as "just too sweet for anything." Then lie jumped into 1 ho carriage, consulted a formidable lint, rind began the day's work. I The (list caller at the house was old Mr .Crump-" nobody at all, you know; ! just a friend of mammas ages ago, ; when she was voting," as SissV re marked. " Ah," exclaimed Mrs. Bell, with rap ture, as she was entertaining him, "my dear girls are quite leaders of society." 1 es, madanie, answered the ridicu lous old party; "and we live in the j onlv country in the world where a j mother can make such a boast of chil- dren in their teens. " I knew it," responded the mother, with a sigh of pious contentment, and I'm devoutly grateful for our free institutions." "Pree and easv institutions," Mr. i Crump suggested; then pinching Pop- pet s cheek, he asked : " A ell, small child, and what do you do on N ew Year's dav?" " Oh, I retheive all day long. It ith quite tirethome," said Poppet, gravely. I Crump, as he gave a hasty farewell nod, made some strange noise under j his breath. Josie thought it was a groan, but Tiny, who stood nearest, said: "It was a swear, an awful j swear." "I think," said Poppet, "he ith drefl'ully poky and liathn't any t'nyle." J The early calls were mostly from very young men, solemn under a sense of juvenility, or hilarious and kindly patronizing toward elder people. At 11 o'clock Josie whispered to Sissy: " What a bore ! I hate boys !" By noon old married men and the heads of families hurried in, paid elaborate compliments, declared that Mrs. Bell hadn't grown a day older in twenty years; then made off, checking against the iiamo "Bell" in a business-like way ju-t at the carriage door. " At last 1" exclaimed Josie about 1 o'clock "at last the niarriaireablemen I are coming." They came by dozens men who led I the german, men who drove their own "four-in-hands," men who lounged about clubs, men who had "seen life" j in Paris, and watched talkative young i girls with a sinirtcr interest. I Bather late in the afternoon Mrs. Bell became so pleased with a tall, handsome, dark-haired man of about thirty-live, who spoke in a mellow voice and with nn English inflection,' that she contrived to whisper to Josie, "What's his name?" " I'm sure 1 don't know, mamma," answered the young lady, gayly. " Tin r,;; are dozens here whose faces even I can't recall." " Oh, yes," Sissy chimed in with a languid smile, "we sent so many cards, you know." Mrs. Bel), who had begun to feel he would make an ideal son-in-law, said ta the gentleman, with a proper pre amble, "It is unpardonable, but wo have really forgotten your name." " Montgomery," he suavely replied. "Your card came to my hotel the Windsor." " Oh, yes, certainly, of course. Tho girls sent out a great many. Pleasant custom, isn't it ?" "Charming custom," answered Mr. Montgomery, "so eon venh-nt that is, 1 mean so so cordial." His eyes were fixed in a horrible stare directly over Mrs. Bell's shoulder, and he hurriedly offered his arm. "My dear madame" (he stammered dreadfully), "will you permit me to admire" (he jerked out tho words) "the works of art in the next room ?" Mrs. Bell turned about to see at what ho was staring in that ghastly way, and found standing behind her nothing worse than a short, stout man of forty or so, with a florid countenance, and a pleasant smile upon it, who was waiting to pay his New Year's compli ment. That duly received, she took Mr. Montgomery's proffered arm, and went into tho next room to view a large oil painting. The stout gentle men followed them, .and cheerfully offered the remark, "Pino picture." Mr. Montgomery dashed olt to a corner where there was a piece of statuary. The stout man dashed off to the corner also, and gave the Opinion, "Pine statue." "Poppet," whispered Mrs. Bell, beckoning tho child to her, " go Mid ask Josie this gentleinan.'s name." Meanwhile he was delivering quite a little lecture on int. " The Wonderful permanency of works in marble renders them of Value to tho historian they are, so to speak, petrified history," he said, blandly. Poppet enme running back, and said, In capital imitation of her ciders, "We really can't thay who everybody 1th." Mr. Montgomery's attention seemed fixed oa a fine etching that hung near the open door, and he went toward it. Tho stout person performed a sort of quadrille figure in front of him all the way, and stationed himself on the threshold. Montgomery attempted to cross that threshold ; a fat hand met his advancing shoulder, and the words, "Oh, no!" very gently spoken, met his ear. The words were evidently softer than the grasp; for at tho moment the three girls and a train of callers were passing through to the dining-room, where a collation was spread, and Mr. Montgomery staggered back, violently propelled by that plump hand. The rude stout man seemed about to speak with great vehemence, but he looked into the faces of the three young girls in succession, and down into Poppet's innocent, wide-opened eyes, then laughed, and said. " Why, ladies, here's a fortunate meeting; this gentleman has forgotten me, but 1 know luiu." Montgomery looked something like an upright corpse. " I've been looking for him a Ions time. Why. Charles" and he put out his hand "don't you remember " Montgomery was sUll uncanny to see. " Don't you remember your brother Jack r Then the stout man seized i)w I younger one's hand, wrung it, and laughed again in the heartiest way imaginable. The newlv found Charles hitAi linallv ejaculated, "Jack I oh, veV, ... ,., . j " Your brother Jack." ! "Yes. How d'ye do?" ! Mrs. Bell murmured in happy sym pathy, "How fortunate! what a de lightful meeting !" and the girls chir ruped like little birds about the won- derful scene, while the brothers spoke quivtly apart. Vn')m Hmt m01aent he,lrtT Mr, J;u.k-S ,w,.H.m ,,,.,,-u, f..,i r-.i,.t,v knew no bound. Arm in arm they went to the refreshment table. Charles had a singularly small appeetite, but Jack ato enough for both, and re j neycr V(.rv u liaU, to , t piU(W;,ft hrn& down-eh, old bov, !, ,.uJT.t v j werin t j ou. marked with solicitude, "Charlie wins Yes, oh, ve ves," answered Charles. "Why," exclaimed Sissy, "it's quite wonderful! " How did you know your brother was here?" "Why," said Jack, still holding Charlie's arm, "I traced him to tho Windsor, and seeing your card in his room, followed here on the chance of finding him, and also" (this with a gallant Vow) "of paying my respects to some American ladies." It was about li o'clock, and the calling had fallen off as the wretched victims of the day's pleasure twk the usual dinner-time for a breathing spa Me before the evening's rush and hurry. In fact, not a visitor remained except tho happy reunited brothers, and Jack proposed, "Now, Charlie, let us go." Charles refused flatly, and asked per mission to see the conservator1 a fragrant little bower at the extreme end of the long vista of connecting rooms. The ladies assented, and the cheerful brother Jack followed close. "(.'harming!" exclaimed tho fasci nating man. ".Such roses I've rarely seen. There's a fine variety;" and step ping lightly on a shelf full of pots he leaned toward tho window to catch a crimson bud that was nodding its fra grance from near li sash. A moment more and he reaetlJ the flower; then there was a tremendous blow, a crash of glass, a dreadful thunder of falling flower pots, screams, a" wild confusion, and Mr. Charles Montgomery had jumped through the window ns nim bly, if not as quietly, as a cat. The frightened women hardlv realized what had happened before tho devoted brother Jack, with more crash of flower pots and glass, had jumped after him through tho same openipg. A balcony was outsido the window, and there was a terrible trampling and struggle there. "Help! help! come here!" Mrs. Bell'shrieked, for the three men-servants who were in the house. They came running, and in great excitement. There were racing and chasing in the yard, and a great scuffling at a gate that led out into the street (the house being on a corner); then came several pistol-shots in quick succession. At the tiring all the servants ran down the basement stairs, one brave fellow ex claiming: " Don't yer be scared, missus; I's gwine tcr fetch do kitchen poker." Then in through the splintered sash came Charles Montgomery, and after him, much breathed, the loving brother Jack, a smoking pistol in his hand and a dreadful oath on his lips. Hound and round the drawing-room rushed the pursued and the pursuer. The brave servant showed a woolly head and two white eyes over the top step of the basement stairs, and shout ed: "I done got de poker," then disap peared in safety. Jack shrieked: "Give up! give up, I tell you !" Then, as the desperate man fled toward the frightened women for refuge, called out: " Lie down on the floor, ladies; I'm going to fire." Down on the floor they dropped, toi lets and all; fire he did, and Mrs. Bell yelled loud enough to bring in twenty gens-d'armes if she had been In Paris. There were more . fierce oaths, there was' more pursuit, then the wildest, maddest struggle of all near the front door, followed by a dull blow, a heavy fall, and silence. At this moment A latch-key turned and Mr. Boll came cheerfully into hid home. On the marble floor of the hall lay a tall man senseless and bleeding. Over him stood a short, florid man wiping the perspiration from his forehead and putting up a pistol. An exclamation of alarm and horror escaped the mas ter of the house. Jack harried to say, " I suppose you aro Mr. Bell?" " I am and and "xlie assumed a threatening attitude. "Father I" shrieked Mrs. Bell and tho girls, and a bunch of white faces looked out from tue back parlor door. Mr. Bell rushed to the messenger alarm-box and gave the signal for the police. ; " Now, now kefcp cool and I'll ex plain," said Jack; pleasantly. "This genteel person who had an invitation to call on you is a fugitive, from jus tice. IWa nothing less Winn a Never mind; I'm sorry to frighten these ladies, and I tried every device, even to calling myself his long-lost brother, to go' my man quietly out of your house and arrest him in tho street. I've feeling forthe domestic sanctities; I've daughters f my own. You see, he's been hiding; for several years and now, thinking pursuit was over, caran out quite boldly under a new name." Two policemen appeared at the door. " Tell the chief of police his house is close by," said the cool party "that Jack Trapper, of the London force, has taken the man in the Carter case, and ask tho chief U step here if he will." While Mr. B.'li was slowly taking in tho strange proceedings, that high ofllcial arrived, greeted Jack familiarly as " Mr. Traimer." and at once had Montgomery, wlio had opened his eyes wiui i Lie inimeu iook ol a wuu iirast, carried out by four ofllcers. v Mr. Jack "Trapper followed, only turning at the dmr to bow politely anu remark : " I'm very sorry, ladies I have a family myself but it all came from that card. My prisoner is charged with murder." ; The scared women turned to the chief of police, who conlirmed tha statement, added that tho man, beyond doubt, was guilty, promised to keep tho alt'sir out of the" papers, and also po litely withdrew. "Creat Heaven!" exclaimed Mr. Bell to his wife, "how did you come to know the wretch?" "1 I didn't know him," she stam mered. - v -., . " We we met him lor just a few minutes on the piazza at Saratoga," Josie "explained, in i trembling voice, " and and well, you know, it's quite a fashion to send ut.: New Ye ar's cards so so f reply ."' Mr. Bell opened his lips for the strongest invective that uptown had ever heard from them, but he mas tered himself, and only ordered, in tones of thunder: "Co to bed, every one of you! Go!" Avery washed-out rainbow of girls crept up to their several rooms and sobbed themselves to sleep. " I And," said the roused father to his wife, "that fashion and society don't guido and prutcct young girls. For the future we'll govern our daiiglv ters, not be govern ud by them." These things took place last year. This year the three beauties are spoken of as " Mr. Bell's daughters" not " tho Bell girls." Alio, tho few men who have invitations for New Year's day, directed in the bold business hand familiar to Mr. Bell's correspondents, think themselves rather lu"ky. Poppet, by the way, stays in tho nursery this year, nnd says, with proper dignity, "I don't rethieve." Story of a Cotton Bale, In one of Henry C. Lukens' New York letters to Texas tHf'tinga occurs this paragraph: David Crawley is the full namo of the baggage master of the steamer Stonington, which has had its quota of mischances on Long Island Sound. Tho old man is pardonably gairulous, for the truth is alwaysin him. He tells a vivid story of forty two winters ago, and his recital brings up all the horrors of that fateful night when the thermometer was at six De- low zero, nnd the steamboat Lexington was totally destroyed by lire. Of one bun Ired "and eighty-four victims on board, only four succeeded in getting a-hore with their lives. For fifty hours Mr. Crowley floated alxmt on a cotton bale. His feet were badly frost nipped, nnd he is to-day, in his " sere-tmd-ycllow," minus several toes. But he held on to that bale of cotton until 18G3, when theraw material was worth one dollar forty a pounc . Then he sold bis "preserver" nnd banked over four hundred and sixty dollars. And he tells all this as modestly as if ho was not that man, bur another man. Honey. Tho honey is, as a rule, very sweet nnd fragrant, but is sometimes very injurious to human beings. Here 1 may mention that no bee can suck honey out of flowers, as is popularly supposed. She licks it out with her tongue, tho end of which is covered with hairs, so us to convert into a brush, scrapes it between tho jaws, and so passes it into the crop, where it is changed into honey. What property may bo in the crop which converts flower juice into honey we do not at present know. To all appearance the crop is nothing but a bag of exceed ingly fine membrane, and yet, alter re maining for a little time in tho crop, the flower juice undergoes a change in consistence, flavor and scent, and, whether the insect be a wild or dome tic bee, the change is identical through out. Good Words, FACTS AND COMMENTS. The United States supreme court at Washington is nearly one tliousand oases behind its docket, which is equiv elent to at least three years work. Mr. Dudley. United States commis sioner of pensions, asserts that there are 1,(X)0,000 ex-soldiers yet living who have never applied for pensions. He thinks the chances are that there will be an increase rather than a reduction of the pension rolls. It costs something to attend a fash ionable church in New York city. Recently an ordinary pew in Grace church sold for $1,150 and one in Dr. Hall's Pifth Avenue Presbyterian church brought f 2,000 at auction on the real estate exchange. 'During the five' years 1877-81, tho average loss by fire in the United States and Canada in the montn or September alone was fo.950,000. .The past year, omitting the fires m wincti tho loss was less than $10,000, the record shows 123 in number, nnd the aggregate loss $d,20o,00'J. The aggregate sum of money paid for imported stock by breeders in the United States is somewhat startling, if the Pittsburg (Pa.) Stoolc man's statements are correct. ' It says that " the outlay in this direction was $3,675,518, or more than tho exports of live cattle from tho United States amounted to in the first half of the present year. There is a solid in crease in the importation total for 1882, and it is not likely that it will fall much below $5,000,000. No other people in tho world are making as lib eral investments In line stock at this time as tho oreeders of the United States." From the programme for 188:1 of the French commission intrnsted with the restoration and maintenance of historic monuments one cets some idea of the generous care which is be stowed in that country upon these ob jects. The average annual sum thus expended is about $500,000. For the coming year the lht of works to be undertaken fills half a column in small type in one of the Paris newspapers, and embraces the whole country. Among the items are the Chateau da Courcy, the Cathedral of Laon, tho ramparts of Carcassonne, the amphi theatre of Aries, the Cathedral of Li sieux, the Chateau of Blois, tho Cha teau of Pierrefonds, the Cluny Mu seum, the Abbey of St. Denis, the chapel of the Chateau of Vineenne3, the Tour de Montlery and tho antique theatre of Orange, it further appears thnt a large number of new works are projected, together with the restora tion and maintenance of mosques and Roman monuments in Algeria, and inegalithic remains scattered over Brittany. Louis Kossuth, the Hungarian pa- j triot, now eighty years old, has written : a letter to the Reform club of Eng- j land, in which he gives his opinion about the present state of affairs in Europe. The h tier, which hm excited ! wide comment, has thi3 passage about tho huge armaments of the conti- j nent: "To see the social structure called state converted into as many gigantic barracks the life sweat of j nations drained to keep up with armies counted by myriad!, these myriads in' tho bctit' vigor cf thiir youthful! strength, abstra'"t'd from productive i labor ; all the soaring or human intel lect made subservient to the pro fession of wholesale international slaughter and destruction verily this is a condition so monstrous, at the same time so utterly intolerable, that unless some means are devised for bringing it to a stop, unless govern ments arc checked in their headlong course toward exhausting the patience of their subjects by draining their life sweat for nourishing tho insatiable Moloch of exorbitant armaments, it is absolutely impossible that the totter ing structure of social organization should long escape the catastrophe of an almighty smash." One of the most practical experi ments in the way of cheap houses for the poor, according to the New York correspondent of tho Philadelphia Record, has been In operation for six months in the great tenement-house on First avenue, between Seventy-second and Seventy-third streets, and its re sults are said to bo entirely satisfac tory. The building is plain, with stoies on tho first floor and a large court in the interior, and accoinmodatfs 2'JO families. It is so large and tho regula tions are so stringent that it was orig inally thought that none but the very poor would occupy the rooms, but it turns out that the majority of occu pants belong to the comfortable class of artisans. They are compelled to keep their rooms neat, to behave or derly and to sustain good characters, while the occupants of the stores are required to sell their goods on reason able terms. The capitalists who con structed this experimental tenement had their work done well, and arranged rents so as to get a return of live per cent., where common, cheap tenement landlords exact ten or twelve per cent., a d they are satisfied with tho experiment they have gained, and pro pose tofpush their reform in other quarters of the city. It is noticeable that out of 400 children in this tene ment there were only three deaths during the entire summer. Onlv two adults died during tht same time of ordinary disease, though a third died of old age. The enormous sum of $202,000,000 is invested in tho submarine cables of tho world, supposed to aggregate bi.OOU miles hi length. Spoopendjke Cuts His Chin. "My dear I" exclaimed Mr. Spoopen dyke, dropping his razor and examin ing his chin with starting eyes, "my dear, bring some court plaster, quick ! I've plowed off half my chin !" " Let me sea I" demanded Mrs. Sponp. endyke, bobbing up and fluttering around her husband. "Great gracious, what a cut I Wait a minute!" and she shot into the closet and out again. " Quick 1" roared Mr. Spoopendyke, " I'm Dleeding to death I fetch me that court plaster I" " Oh, dear 1" moaned Mrs. Spoopen dyke. "I put it oh, where did I put it?" . "Dod gast the putty" yelled Mr. Spoopendyke, who had heard his wife imperfectly. "What d'ye think this is, a crack "in the wall ? Got some sort of a notion that there is a draught through here? Court plaster, I tell you 1 Bring mo some court plaster before I pull out the side of the house and get some from the neighbors r Just then it appeared to Mrs. Spoopendyke that she had put the' plaster in the clock. " Here it is, dear!" and she snipped off a piece and handed it to him. Mr. Spoopendyke put it on the end of his tongue, holding his thumb over the wound. When i was thoroughly wetted it stuck fast to his finger, while the carnage ran down his chin. He jabbed away at tho cut, but the plaster hung to his digit until finally his pa tience was thoroughly exhausted. " What's the matter with the measly business?" ho yelled. "Where'd ye buy this plaster? Come off, dod gast ye?" and as he plucked it off his finger it grew to his thumb. "Stick, will ye?" he squealed, plugging at the cut in his chin. " Leave go that thumb!" and he whirled around on his heel and pesrsred at it attain. " Why don't you bring me somo court plaster?" he shrieked, turninz on his trembling wife. "Who asked ye for a leech Brma me something that knows a thumb from a chin!" and he planted his thumb on the wound and screwed it around vindictively. This time the plaster let co and slipped up to the corner of Ids mouth. "Now it's all right, dear," smiled Mrs. Spoopendyke, anxious to secure peace in the ' family. " it is right now ! "Think it is, do ye?" raved Mr. Spoopendvke. with a loan ill grin " Mavbe vou've cot the same idea, that court plaster has ! P'raps you think that mouth was cut with a razor ! Maybe you' re under the impression that this hole in my visage was meant to succumb to the persuasion of a bit of plaster! Come off! Let go that mouth 1" and as ho gave it a wipe it- stuck to the palm of his hand as though it had been born there. "Let me try," suggested Mrs. Spoopendyke, "I know how to do it." " Tin n' why didn't ye do it lirt," howled Mr. Spoopendyke. " What did ye want to wait until I'd lost three gallons of gore for? Oh, you know how to do it? You only want a linen back and a bottle of mucilage up your side to be a county hospital? Stick! dod gast ye!" aiid he clapped the wrong hand over his jaw. "I'll hold ye there till ye stick, if I hold yo till my wife learns something!" and Mr. Spoopendyke pranced up an 1 down the room with a face indicative of stern determination. "Let mo see, dear," said his wife, approaching him with a smile, ami Kently drawing away his hand she deftly adjusted another piece of plaster. "That was my piece after all," growled Mr. Spoopendyke, eyeing the job and glancing at the palm of his hand to find his pieeo of plaster gone. " You nhvay3 come in after the f u nend." "I guess you'll find your pieeo stick ing in the other hand, dear," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, pleasantly. " Of course you can" tell," snortpd Mr. Spoopendyke, verifying his wife's assertion with'a glance. "If I had your insight and a pack of cards I'd hire a shot tower and set up for an astrono mer !" and Mr. Spoopendyke, who evi dently meant astrologer, wore that piece of blood-stained court plaster on his hand all day long rather than ad mit, by taking it olt, that his wife had ever been right in anything. Brook lyn hayle. He (iot 'I here. Evervbodv who will stop fco think must admit that the gates at tho rail road depots are a wise provision. One must show his ticket before ho can pass to tho train, and it is not once in a thousand times that a passenger can go astray. And yet it galls and an noys lots of peoplo to bo railed off and penned up and be obliged to exhibit ticket. Yesterday morning a very stern and digniltol man with a grip-sack in his hand tried to walk through the gates at the Central depot, and when asked for his ticket he haughtily replied: "It is in my pocket. "Let me sea it." "I will not! My word should ba proof that I have it!" "Have to show your ticket, sir." "I-won't submit to any such indig nity!" exclaimed tho stern man, and he didn't, lleentered tho freight sheds, passed through a Hour ear, climbed over .a lot of hides and crept under a baggage car, and finally reached th-3 train he was after. A brakeinan stood at the steps and asked: "Going West, sir?" "So; Roing East." "Then your train won't go for three hours and a half yet ! This train goes West r And the worst of it till was the man at the gate and a dozen others caught on and raised such a laugh that the stern man went down into the freight house and hid behind a box-car. De troit Free Press. The devil never tempted a man whom he found judiciously employed, A Glad Sow Year. Sing soft and low, with tender tone, A requiem for tho years gone by, With rains that bent, and winds that moan We'll join In mournful melody; Chant to the wintry Unfits thnt raves So wildly over hill and plain, Weep, for to-night, from out their graves Old joys come crowding back again. Pile high the fire keep ont the cok'i: Lay on the board your festive cheer; Make mirth nnd music ns of old, Toweloome in the good New Tear. The Old Year's brow wns often Bteiti, And harsh his lessons as we know; But oh 1 we have so much to laim, ' And wisdom of Un comes rfc woe I Wliere are the forms thnt used to sit Bwide us in the fireliaht's blaao ? Where is their laugh, their merry wit, Their noble worth, which sought not pralseT Gone I Yet their presence seems to coma And linger with us round the hoorth; They Art about us in our home, And share our sadness nnd our mirth. Ob, what a wealth of bliss was oars In those lost dnys, so quickly flod 1 What fragrance dwelt within those flowew Which seem so scentless now and dead 1 What biassed moments, cast away . In upcndthrift waste, we might have stored! What genile memories for to-dny Might have boon ours ! a goldon hard ! Vain sighs o'ar joys departed now 1 We'll grieve no more for vanished days, Bat forward rre, with tranquil brow, And still our thankful song shnll raise t Glad that so far onr task is done, That rest oonres nearer nnd wore near) That soon beyond the transient sun, We're sure to find a glad New Year I ii. ..'.a . - ' . HUMOR OF THE DAY. A Kentucky farmer lost four daugh ters in one day by marriage. Green is certainly a lovely color, but we don't like to aoe too much of ib in a man's eye You can't eat. enough in a week to last you a year, and you can't advertisa on tiiat plan, either. " Tapir fauee!" exclaimed an irate parent, as he administered a doso of strap to his wayward boy. "Doctor, examine my tongue," said a giddy woman, " and' tell me what it needs." "Host," roplicd.the doctor. It is stated, as a remarkable thing, that a St. Louis horse chews tobacco. Singular taste; most horses choose hay. Stoves are supposed to be a some what modern invention, but the Egyp tians were warmed bv Alexander the Grate, 11. C. 300. A debating society is nerving itself up to wrestle with t ne qucotion, " W hen woman ami a mouse nicer, which is the most friglilen-.'d V A little bov came to his mother re cently and said : " I should think that I was made of dust I would get muddy inside when I drink. A smart American girl calls a young fellow of her acquaintance " Honey suckle," because he's always hanging over the front fence in the evenings. To one of a numerous class of bores Horace Greclcv wrote: "Dear Sir You ought to be in better business than hunting autograph." Horace sent this without signing hi-J name. ' Dream.;," says tho scientist, " are produced by sensations . It while v.leep. no would nave niougnu it? AYe always supposed dreams were pro- . duccd bv sensations you, didn t f eel while vo;i were awake. A young g utleinanof the lackadais ical Oscar Wilde type went into a res taurant to get S'Uiit! brea'Kfuat. "How do you vast yo.r eggs boiled?" asked the waiter. "I want them soft.-' "How. soft?" "Very soft. I want them to nintvh my voice," I find," said an old man to a re porter, "that tin re is absolutely no unit to the uiiiaiuJity oi mo icein u they are properly taken caro of. 1 never drink hot drinks,. always brush my teeth morning and evening, avoid ' all acids whatever, and although I am sixty-five years old my teeth aro as good as they ever were." " And that is all you do to preserve your teeth, is it?" "Yes, sir, that's all; barring, perhaps, the fact that I put them in a glass of soft water nights." A capital story is told of tho in. genuity exercised by a little boy in calling attention to" his first pair of new boots : Tho little fellow would draw up his pantaloons and display the whole of his boots ; then walk up and down the room, with eyes now upon the shining leather, nnd now upon a friend of his father who was present ; but it was a bootless effort. At length, however, he succeeded. Sit ting in front of both be exclaimed : "Father, ain't three tunes two sixr " Yes, my son." " Weil, then," said he, pointing to each of their feet, " if three times two are six, there's just six boots in this room ! " HKALTII HINTS. To walk when it fatigues reacts m such case into exhaustion instead of vigor. . Nature is wiser and mightier than doctors. She is in consort with eter nal wisdom. The life of an invalid is always es sentially abnormal. The cure for this is association with nature. Tor a chest protector during intense ly cold weather, Dr. Foutt's Utalth Monthly advises tho trial of a news paper over tho chest. To prevent discoloration from bruises, apply a cloth wrung' out in very hot water, and renew frequently until tho pain ce.u.s. Dr. Felix Oswald says Do not go off on the cold nir idea, or the ascetic fallacy, or the stimulant theory. A level liead ii quito as necessary to health and longevity as iinything'tlse, , 1 I i
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers