SPuOrE.NDYKE.
The Difficulties of a Witness,
" Tou must get around pretty carlv in
the morning, my denr," said Mr.
Spoopendyke, " I'm going to be a
Witness in court."
Good gracious I" ejaculated Mrs.
Spoopcndyke, "what have you been
doing r
" What d'ye fe'pose I've been doing?
I've heard some tinners in n law case.
and I've got to swear to them. You
can't have a law case without witnesses,
and I've got to be one to-morrow ; so
you hustle out in the morning and get
my breakfast."
" They can't do anything to you, can
they ? " inquired Mrs. " Spoopendyke,
nervously.
"If I ain't there in time they can
send me to jail," responded Mr. Spoop
endyke, ominously, " and you'd better
get me ready in time if you' don't want
to lose me," and Mr. Spoopendyke flop
ped into bed and went 10 sleep.'
Mrs. Spoopcndyke turned the clock
ahead two hours, arranged her hair, and
sat down to speculate on the chances of
waking up at the proper moment. At
first she concluded to stay up all night,
but she began to get sleepy, and reflect
ing that if she fixed her mind on the
hour she wanted to rise she'd be sure to
wake up, she went to bed and to sleep
simultaneously.
At half-past four she roused up with
a terrible start.
" Wake up, my dear ! " she exclaimed
to her husband. "You've got to go
a-witnessing iu a case this morning.
Hurry up or they'll put you in jail."
" Wah 1 " rejoineit Mr. Spoopendvke.
" What did the deed get mixed there
with proof ah ! " and Mr. Spoortcndykc
was sound asleep again.
"You must get right up and go to
court," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, firmly.
" You know something about a law court,
and you must get up right oil."
"What's the matter?" propounded
Mr. Spoopendyke, sitiiug up and glaring
around him. " What dav of the month
is this ? Who called Spoopcndyke? I
ain't slept a wink!" and Mr. Spoopen
dyke fell back on his pillow.
" You know you mu u f o to the case,"
continued Mrs. Spoopendyke, "you've
been appointed a witness and you must
go and swear about it. Walte up or
they'll arrest you."
" What case ?" demanded Mr. Spoop
endyke. " Who's arrested ? Can't you let
a man alone just as he is getting in a
doze? What's the matter with you,
anyway ?"
" You wanted to get up early about
that court. Come, get up now, or
they'll send you to jail," and Mrs.
Spoopendyke got up and lighted the
gas, and began dropping on her skirts.
" Who's going to court ?" asked Mr.
Spoopendyke, sitting up in bed.
" Where is the court ? 'I Link any court
wants me at five o'clock in the morn
ing?" "It's about a law case," said Mrs.
Spoopendyke, cheerful y. "You know
you are a witness. Xo think that I
should live to be the wife of a witness !"
and Mrs. Spoopendyke, tij mly impressed
that it was something i i the nature of a
foreign mission, gazed admiringly upon
her husband.
" Dod gast the law case !" howled
Mr. Spoopendyke, now thoroughly mad.
" D'ye think a law case goes prowling
around all night like a policeman ? Got
an idea that a judge is going to strap
the court-house on his back and fetch it
up at daylight to try a law case ?"
" But you said yon wanted to get up
early," reasoned Mrs. Spoopendyke,
" and it's pretty early now."
" D'ye suppose I wanted to cot up at
midnight to practice ?'' propounded Mr.
Spoopendyke. " Think a law case is
like a church sociable, the first man
gets the best supper ? P'raps you were
afraid if I didn't start early i' wouldn't
get a seat. The measly court don't meet
till ten o'clock, dod gast it ! and here
you wake me up at tour ! What d'ye
suppose a witness is, anyhow V" shouted
Mr. Spoopendyke, getting madder.
"Think he's a durk lantern, and goes
around wkh his slide turned and the
smoke coming o.it of the top ? D'ye
knowe what a court is ?"
" Why, yes," said Mrs. Spoopendyke,
" a court is where thev hang people.
Mrs. Mierhof "
" That's it ! You struck it first clip !"
sputtered Mr. Spoopendyke. " With
that information, all you want is a plug
hat and an adjournment to be a lawyer.
If I had your intelligence and a bald
head I'd hire out for a judge at board
wages. I tell ye a court is where they
try cases about lands, and licking peo
ple, and contracts, and and -divorce
cases. Yes, indeed, they try divorce
cases about women waking their hus
bands up in the dead of night."
" What kind of a law are you going
to witness ?"
" A daylight case ! You understand
that? At ten o'clock, and not five.
Got that through your head? Think
you can remember ten o'clock ? If you
can't, can you remember eleven,' 01
noon ?"
"Do they have cases every hour?"
queried Mrs. Soopendyke.
" Of course they do. They leave
every fifteen minutes, like a ferryboat,
and if I can't catch one case I'll witness
in another. Got it now ? Only they don't
rtfn as often from midnight to six.
Begin to see into it ?"
" I think I do," said Mrs. Spoopen
dyke, ruminating. " I was thinkincr
that if o le started about three o'clock
I'd go and witness with you 1"
" Oh I you'd make a witness !" pro
claimed Mr. Spoopendyke. " With
your capacity for obseivation and ability
to recollect, you'd only want to appear
twice to absorb the whole witness busi
nec8," and with this reflection Mr.
Lpoopeiidyke went back to his slum
bers. At ten o'clock sharp his wife called
him and notified him of the hour.
" How'm I goinj to get there in
time ? WThy didn't you call me before ?
Want me sent to State .prison for con
tempt ? Want to get rid of me, don't
you ?" and Mr. Spoopendyke darted into
Lis clothes.
" Don't you want some breakfast, my
dear ?" inquired Mrs. Spoopendyke, ten
derly. " No, I don't want any measly break
fast !" he shouted. " Didn't I tell ye I
was a witness at ten, and now its half
past ? Think a man is appointed a wit
ness during good behavior? S'pose I
hold the ollce till my successor is ap
pointed ?" and Mr.Spoonendyke plunged
downsciirs and out of the house.
" I only did what he told me," sighed
Mrs. Spoopendyke, wetting a piece of
court-plaster and patching up a hole in
her silk dress. " Though I don't see
any use of a man being a witness, if he
can't be a witness when he wants to. If
I were a man," she continued, as she
flopped down on the floor to change her
boots, I'd get appointed by the Piesi
dent, and then 1 could attend to busi
ness or nol, as I liked." With w hic h
eage reflection Mrs, Ppoopendyke pull
ed out her husband's socks and began
to sew wens three inches in diamoter on
tho heels. Brooklyn Eagle.
Esquimaux Women.
Among Esquimaux women, punish
ment for wrong-doing, says a recent
writer, is almost unheard of, and as for
striking a male child, all would recoil
from such-a thought with horror. The
male child, and especially the heir, is a
prince in his own family circle. Every
thing is deferred to his wishes, unless
he can be persuaded to surrender it.
With female children it is different.
They must submit to every act of
tyranny on the part of their brothers at
once, or' feel the weight of a pareiTt's
hand. Nothing would, seem more ab
horrent to on Esquimaux mind than the
thought of striking, a-man or boy, but
to strike a woman , or girl is, cm the
contrary, quite proper, and indeed laud
able. They say it is a proper thing to
whip women; " it makes them good."
I have often talked with them about it,
and tried to explain that it was regarded
by white people as cowardly to strike a
defenseless creature, but this was utter
ly beyond their comprehension. They
could understand that it would be
wrong to strike a male, but a female
that was an entirely different thing.
The Esquimaux are polyga.nists, no
distinction whatever being placed upon
the number of wives a man shall ha-e.
I have never, however, known of any
instance of one having more than two at
a time. This is very common, however,
especially among the Iwilliks and Kiu
nepatoos, where there is a surplus of
women. At least half of their married
men have two wives. Every woman is
married as sofin as she arrives at a mar
riageable age, and whenever a man dies
his wile is taken by some one else, so
that with them old maids and widows
are unknown. Instances of polygamy
are not so common among the Xetchil
lik nation for the reason, it is said that
thev have a custom that prevents the ac
cumulation of women. Their neighbors
sav that they kill their female babes as
soon as born. The first is usually al
lowed to live, and one other may stand
some chance, but that ends the matter
Equecsik, one of our hunters on the
sledge journey, who is himself a Net
chillik, denies this charge of female
Herodism. He told me that it nsed to
be the custom with his people, or some
of them at any rate, but that they do not
do so any more. I know that he has
two daughters, one of whom was born
within a few days' march of Depot island,
on our return trip, and has no son.
Indian Epicures.
In the summer of 1875 I stood one
evening near the quartermaster's oflice
at Fort Wingate, New Mexico, when
two Kiowa Indians applied for permis
sion to water their famished horses at
the government cistern, ofi'eriug to ac
cept that boon in part payment of a
loud of brushwood which they proposed
tn haul from the neighboring cliapparal.
The fellows looked thirsty and hungry
themselves, ami while tiie quartermaster
I ratified the wood-bargain, one of the
! officers sent to his company quarters for
! a lunch of such comestibles as the
cooks might have on hand at that
. time of the day. A tntyfnl of " govern -.
inent grub " was deposited on the ad
: jacent cord-wood platform, and the
Indians pitched in with the peculiar ap
! petite of carnivorous nomads. A yard
of commissary sausage was accepted as
a tough variety of jerked beef ; yeasted
and binnless bread disappeared in
: quantities that would have confirmed
I Dr. Graham's belief iu natural deprav
; ity ; they sipped the cold coffee and
: eyed it with a gleam of suspicion, but
' were reconciled by the discovery of
' the saccharine sediment, and tho'cook
was just going to replenish their cups
i when the senior Kiowa helped himself
to a viuegar pickle, which he probably
mistook for some sort of an oil-color
' sugnr-plum. He tasted it, rose to his
j feet and dashed the plate down with a
j muttered execration, and then clutched
; the prop of the platform to master his
i rising fury. Explanations followed, and
' a pound of brown sugar was accepted as
a piece-oliermg, hut tue children ot na
ture left the postollice under the impres
sion that they had been the victims of a
heartless practical joke. Popular .SW
ence Monthly.
Poetical I'roverljs.
Many of Robert Burns' complete, aud
even single lines, have become pro
verbs: "Tlierank is lmt the guinea's stamp,
Tlio mini 'a tlii' yulj lor a 'that.3'
Here from "Tarn O'Sl. inter" is an
other :
" I'k asures are like poppies spread,
Yuu seize the llowcr ; its bloom is shed."
From his " Address to Unco Guid "
we may take :
" What 'b done we partly may compute,
Hut liiww not what ' resisted."
In one stanza on Captain Gvo;e we
meet two proverbs now in use :
" If there ' a hole in a' your eoata
X rede ye tent it;
A ehiel's nniaiif.' ye, ta'iiu' notes,
And l'uitli he'll pivnt it."
In "The Vision" is also a splendid
passage of this sort :
"Mi-d-'d l.v futifv'H meteor-ray,
By passions driven ;
lint yet the light that led astray
Was light lVom heaven."
Alexander Pope pithily wrote :
"True wit is uature to advantage dressed-
That oft was thought but ne'er ho well ex
pressed." In his "Essay cm Criticism :"
"To err is human ; to forgive divine."
Cowper wrote :
"A fool
chance."
must now and then be right, by
A Cunning Cat.
A gentleman who took a trip from
Carson City, Nev., into tho country,
when on the plains, a mile from any
house, noticed a cat, a huge one, almost
as large as a fair-sized dog. It was
lying upon the ground, its feet upper
most, in such a way that he had no
doubt that it had fallen a victim to
some vicious dog. Around it, feeding
unsuspectingly, was a flock of young
biids. The apparent lifeless cat was
within range cf the vision of tho ob
server for some time, and just when
ho was thinking how much easier it
would be for an animal to feign death
and catch a bird by deceiving it than by
slipping up to it, he was astonished to
see the cat suddenly roll over and grab
one of the feathered tribe that was very
near. The other birds flew away a hun
dred yards or so and alighted. The cat
only made one or two mouthfuls of the
game, and then crept around to the
windward of the birds, laid itself out
a train, and once more played success-
fully the dead dodge. The gentleman
drove away without seeing how many
puds it too to Bauuy tue .euae.
Music rroducod by Flame.
Considerable interest has been aroused
in German musical circles by
Friedrich Kastner's pyrophon, now be
ing exhibited in a large room adjoining
the Conversations-Saal, of Baden-Baden.
The instrument resembles an organ in
construction and appearance, as far as
its keyboard and pipes are concerned,
but the latter are made of glass instead
of metal or wood, and the tones they
give forth, in obedience to
the pressure 'of the player's
fingers on the . keys are produced by
the action.of flame upon their atmos
pheric contents. . Jets of lighted gas,
divided into a certain number o'f small
flames, are forced into these glass cylin
ders, the length and diameter of which
are regulated in accordance with the
depth or height of tho note desired to
bo produced, and the result is a regular
and perfect series of sustained musical
sounds, peculiar in quality, but bearing
some aflihity to those elicited from an
ordinary blast organ under the influence
of the 'sectional or Gamba stop. The
pyrophon at present on view at
Baden-Baden has a compass of only
two octaves and a half, and consider
able force is requisite to manipulate the
keyboard, owing to the weight of the
gas pipes set in motion by each pressure
necessary to tho production of a note.
Some of its glass pipes are eight feet
long, and the maximum length of the
sound-generating flame admitted to
them is sixteen inches. The effect of a
performance upon this curious instru
ment, which fills the room in which it
is set up with light as well as sound of
a strange and unearthly character, is
described in German musical journals
as extremely impressive. Musical
World.
True Beauty.
The S'intlay-Sclinvl Times says : One
of the lessons we cannot fully learn,
save by experience, is that no beauty of
face or grace can be half so fair as the
beauty which wo may see iu a careworn
cheek or a wrinkled brow. Such a
statement as this is as old as humanity,
but its truth, after all, never really
takes possession of the mind until it
has been implanted there by experience
itself. When we ourselves have come
to note, in the countenance of some one
we hold dear, marks of sufferrig and
patience and helpfuluess and inward vic
tory marks which have grown deeper,
perhaps, for our own sake then we
see in them a beauty beside which the
face of a Venus of Milo or a Mrrillo's
Virgin seems deformity itself. One of
our American poets has written a touch
ing lyric on "The Bonnie Brown
Hand," in which ho celebrates the
beauty of a hand worn with loving toil
as fairer far than any other could possi
bly be to him. When this sense really
conies to us, of the beautiful and the
true in that which is no longer fresh
and unwrinkled, but is marked with the
glory-badge of trial and triumph, then
we may know that our own lives have
become the richer, because we are at
length able to apprehend that beauty
which time can but increase year by
rear.
('mind's Hair.
For some five or six j ears past, says
the St. Louis Republican, small quanti
ties of camel's hair have been shipped to
this country to seek a market, and it
has been utilized in several ways, but
not to such an eitent as has been usu
ally imagined. Camel's hair consists of
several grades or qualities, from the
wool that lays close to the animal's hide
to the long, shaggy hair which covers
portions of the body. All this hair or
wool is sheared from the animal the
same cswool is from sheep, and packed i
in bales lor transportation. Heretofore
all this material has come from Western
Asia, Arabia aud Persia, from whence it
was sent westward through Russia to
the Baltic ports, and there shipped
mostly to Liverpool and London, fiom
whence it found its way to all parts ot
the world. Tho fiber, though long, is
coarse aud strong, and makes dress
goods for winter wear of a somewhat
rough and shaggy appearance. It is
only woven into cloth, however, with a
wool body, as its texture would not ad
mit of its being used nlone. The coarser
hair and the wool which accompanies it
are uso.l in the manufacture of carpets,
and are found well adapted f -r that
purpose. Though popular to a certain
extent, the use of camel's hair in the
United States has been quite limited;
but an effort U now making to import it
in larger qua titics, and to find new
uses for it. The importations hereto
fore through Kussia have been expen
sive, but lecent.y large quantities have
been obtained from China, and recently
the first invoice, consisting of one ton,
started from St. Louis oveiland. Occa
sionally small lots have arrived from
China in sailing vessels around Cape
Horn; but the trade in ti is way has
been so insignificant that no notice has
been taken of it, and the chief supply
has, up to the present, been had by way
of Europe. Now, however, it is found
that the direct trade with China is
profitable, and every port w ill be ma le
to foster it. Since tho first of the year
the arrivals of camel's hair from all
sources have been much larger than
ever before, and as tho thread i
thought well of, some new uses will be
found for it.
The Mofkiii!r Loom.
A pretty story tells us of the inven
tion of the stocking loom. W. Lee was
a gay young student at Oxford, who.
saw among the Greek letters of his
"Iliad" only the bright eyes of the
innkeeper's daughter, and heard iu the
professor's tones but the click of her
swift knitting needles. In despair he
threw away his books, hurried to his
mistress and with her to the parson's.
When the Oxford dons heard of tho
proceeding at tho rectory, they decided
in grave counsel that this crime of
marriage must be made an ex
amplo of, and accordingly the
young man was expelled. Dis
graced and dishonored, lie and Peggy
were cast out into the world with only
four knitting needles to look to for
bread. But Peggy went merrily to work,
her eyes growing brighter, her fingers
plying faster, while her enamored hus
band sat before her in helpless in
efficiency, wptching the gleaming needles
as if entranced. "Eureka!" he exclaimed
one clay. " Who ?" Peggy looked up
anxiously. She had never been even to a
grammar school. " I can do it, Peggy,
better than you," he answered with a
manly sense of his superiority. Ho got
some wires and went to work, while
Peggy watched, and soon her shining
needles gave way to the stocking-loom,
which revolutionized the whole indus
try. Iu very little time Peggy became
a bright-eyed lady, William, a distin
guibhed inventor, while the hard-hearted
Oxford dons nobody knows anything
about; but they doubtless shrank up
into Greek particles or algebraic signs.
At any rate, it was a clear case of poetic
justice, at which Hymen should light an
extra toroh, .
OUT OP THE WHITE HOUSE.
How Some of the Presidents He Retired
Features of" Inansaratlon Day " Seldom
Seen or Heard.
Before the building of the southern
front of the treasury department, which
rendered a change of the inclosure of the
White House necessary there was an
entrance facing Pennsylvania avenue a
stone archway, with a large weeping
willow growing on each side of it.
Mrs. Madison, who was a very bright
woman, when congratulated on lier hus
band's inauguration and occupation of
the White House, said: " I don't know
that there is much cause for congratu
lation the President of the United
States generally comes in at the iron
gate and goes out at the weeping wil
lows." John Adams, who was the first Presi
dent that occupied the White House,
was crushed with shame and filled with
indignation when his old friend,
Thomas Jefferson, defeated him iu the
presidential election of 1800. He took
what vengeance he could by continuing
to make appointments up to a late hour
on the evening of March 3, and the
next morning before sunrise lie left the
White House and the metropolis forever.
Washington had attended at his inaugu
ration four years previously, but he
could not bear to witness the swearing
in of his successor. Retiring to his
farm at Quincy he devoted the remain
ing twenty-five years of his life to
political correspondence.
Jefferson, Madison and Monroe in
tnrn attended the inauguration of their
successors and decorouslv vacated the
White House for their occupation with
the best of feeling. But when General
Jackson was elected there was a differ
ent condition of things. President
John Quincy Adams was bitterly disap
pointed because he had not been re
elected, while his successful competitor
was incensed by some abusive articles
which had appeared in tho official
" organ." When General Jackson came
to Washington, saddened by the sud
den death of her whom he loved so de
votedly, he refused point blank to call
on Mr. Adams, regarding him
as her traducer. Mr. Adams
was equally unwilling to participate in
the triumphant inauguration of his suc
cessor, and he removed from the White
House on the third of March. On the
fourth, as he was taking his customary
horseback ride iu the vicinity of Wash
iugton, the booming of cannon announc
ed to him that his successor had taken
the oath of oflice in front of the capitol.
The then ex-President remained in his
own house on F street (nearly opposite
the Ebbitt house of to-day) until spring,
and he received many acts of courtesy
from the citizens of Washington, includ
ing a salute from a volunteer military
company commanded by Colonel feea
ton, one of the editors of the Sut tonal
Intelligencer.
It may not be amiss to say a word or
two about the inauguration' of General
Jackson, when, for the first time, the
President -elect was escorted by military
bodies as he rode on a spirited horse
from the hotel at which he had lodged
to the capitol. After he had taken the
oath and gone from the capitol to the
White House he was waited upon by a
motley crowd, which soon drained the
barrels of punch which had been pre
pared, broke tho glasses aud behaved
like a drunken mob. Such a scene hail
never before been witnessed at the
White House.
When Martin Van Bureu was elected
as General Jackson's successor it was a j
political family arrangement. The two
went together from the White House to j
the capitol iu a phaeton made from the !
wood of the frigate Constitution, drawn ;
by four gray horses. After Mr. Van i
liuren had been inaugurated in front of !
the capitol tho two returned in the
same vehicle to tho White House, where
the new President received his fellow
citizens. At four o'clock iu t ho after
noon Mr. Van Buren formally received
tho foreign ministers, who, with their
suites, wore the full court dresses of
their respective countries, and he rather
astonished their dean, the Spanish min
ister, bv addressing thein as "thoDem- !
j ocratic Corps" instead of the "Diplo
matic Corps. lour days afterward
General Jackson bado farewell to the
White House and returned to his be
loved " Hermitage" to end his days.
As tho expiration of President Van
Bureu's official term approached tho al
dermen and common council of Wash
ington City followed the custom and
passed a vote of thanks to the outgoing
chief magistrate for the interest which
he had taken in the prosperity of tho
national metropolis during his four
years administration. These thanks
were not acceptable to Mayor Seatou,
who, with other whigs, had been
excluded from the hospitalities of the
executive mansion by President Van
Buren. So tho editor-mayor formally
refused to approve the complimentary
resolutions, and transmitted a veto
message to the city government giving
his reasons for this marked slight. Mr.
Van Bureu was greatly annoyed, aud
took good care to have the White House
ready for the occupation of his succes
sor, General Harrison, whose stay there
was brief.
Mr. Tyler's family were soon sum
moned from Virginia to tho White
House, and while he was President he
married the estimable lady who now re
sides here, who turned over the White
House to Mm. James K. Polk, uow a
resident of Nashville, Tenn. She was
succeeded by Mrs. Zachary Taylor, a
matronly old lady, who loved to remain
in her room upstairs and smoke a corn
cob pipe, while her accomplished
daughter, then the wife of Colonel Bliss,
tho President's private secretary, pre
sided over the hospitalities of the man
sion. Tho Taylors left shortly after the
death of " Old Bough and Beady," and
Mrs. Fillmore came, aided by her
daughter. They extended the hospital
ities of the White House to General
Pierce when he came (heart-broken
over tho loss of his only child Jby a
r llroad accident) to be inaugurated.
Mrs. Fillmore left the White House on
the fourth of March for a hotel, expect
ing to go South on a tour with her
husband, but she took cold and died a
few weeks afterward.
Mrs. Pierce's life at the White House
was saddened by the loss of her darling
son and clouded by a dread that her
husband might become intemperate in
his habits. These fears, fortunately,
were never realized, and General Pierce
was probably more popular at Washing
ton than any other occupant of the
White House has been. Hospitable
and generous in his disposition and
cordial in his manners, he was beloved
by all w ho knew him. Correspondents
of whig newspapers were among the
guests cordially welcomed at the White
House, and the departure of the Pieroes
from Washington was regretted by
friends and foes. They went on the
fourth of March to the residence of
GcnoraJ Caes, since transformed into
the Arlington hotel, whero many thou
sands called to pay their parting respects.
wiiile General Pierce was the most
popular of Presidents, Miss Lane, the
niece of his successor, Mr. Buchanan,
eclipsed all other ladies who have pre
sided over the White House-in courtesy,
in hospitality, and in her reception of
all, whether they were her uncle's po
litical supporters or opponents.
The exodus of Mrs. Lincoln, of the
daughter of President Johnson, and of
Mrs. Grant, as each one successively
left the White House, is well known to
every Washington reader. Ben Perley
Poore, in Washington Republic.
A Sevcuty-Flre Dollar Goat.
One of them was a stockman from
Western Texas named Bob Gazely,
and the other was an old Galvestonian
named Colonel William Griswold.
They were talking about stock-rais-intr.
The man from Western Texas
said, impressively :
" i tell you what, colonel, there is
more money in goats than in any other
critter that eats Texas grass. People
will keep on raising fine horses aud
cattle, and lose money by it, while there
is more money in one goat than you
can shake a stick at," and he went on
to tell of the rapid increase, the price of
goat-skin, etc.
"You are right," replied Griswold.
" I am a goat man myself. I've got a
goat in my yard right now I wouldn't
part with for seventy-five dollars."
" He must be a fine animal. He is
half Angora, I reckon. I must see
him."
" Come along, then."
After they had trudged about au hour
they reached the residence of the Gal
vestonian. The goat was tied tip in au
outhouse. Tho Western Texas man
looked at the goat with a bewildered
air.
" There ain't no Angora in that goat."
" There is money in him for all that,"
responded the owner.
The stockman felt the animal all over,
looked nt the texture of his hair, and
then said:
" I can't see any points that goat has
got over any other goat. Did you say
you paid seventy-five dollars for that
scrub ?"
" That goat cost me seventy-five dol
lars, and I expect to get my money
back."
" Well, you couldn't get out of me."
" I am not trying to get it out of you,
but I hope to get it out of tho goat.
But, I'll tell you candidly, if you had
chawed up my vest pocket with seventv
five dollars in it, like that goat did, I'd
have it out of you some way or otht r."
Then the stockman caught hold of
his own vest, and laughed until a crowd
began to gather. Gulceston yews.
Referring to trade marks, the Carpet
Trade Review says that Guttenberg won
a suit about one, and that the English
parliament authorized them as early as
the thirteenth centurv.
Keokuk Cwndtilution
Every Time,
A man, or even a piece of machinery
'hat does its work rigut every time, is,
we think, very correctly judged ' valu
able." And certainly none the less
valuable is at y article designed to re
lieve the iil of mssukicd, and which
doe so every time. Messrs. Jones,
Cook & C;., liny State Brewery, Boston,
Moss. , write : We have used St. Jacobs
Oil iuiongour men and fird that it helps
them ' every time." We therefore
heartily recommend it as a pain-healiDg
liniment. p
Ten millions of cattle are annually
slaughtered in this country to supply
the home meat demand, valued at about
1011,0(10,1100.
Cairo (lil.) Ridical Ropublicin
What We Know About It;
" What do sou know about St. Jacab3
j Oil P" said one of our oldest subscribers.
i This was a fair question, and we an
1 swi r, tbat we are reliably informed that
I a gentleman of this city who has euffer
j ed untold aony, and spent a mint t;f
money to get reitel lrom litipumatisw.
in desperation bought soius and tried it,
and declares that it is the heat remedy
for Rheumatism he evtr heard ot.
A Chicago physician says that prob
ably 20,000 people in that city are in
juring their health and endangering
their lives by using hair cosmetics and
face powders.
A lll'.tfl llCulir.Kell
Suoh axproctioua arc very common among
llio. o nfll cicd with u Cougu or C'oicl. I'hcy
Imvu called on the doctor and bo baa prt
scribed. They luivo used neatly evorjtuinu
Uich has beon itcciiinnen lo I, bu' arc no bet
tor. H' pe abandons .hem aud Oiey look with
di-trust upon nil inudiciiien. But there ii an
old lutuily n-mcdy advertised in this pupei'
wiuon po-i-e-BL'B truo lnoiit. A lion's Lung
Iiniuuui will cu e your Cold or Couh. Try
it unl you wiil receive new li'ipua d u pm-
lecicuie. I is pleasant to take ai d perleoiiy
i.armloss. i'be city eru.gi-la all sml it.
Here is the account of the shortest
courtship on record: " Rachel, the Lord
hath sent me to marry thee," said the
suitor. "The Lord's will be done,"
was the submissive reply.
Mes'rs. Ivy Bros., drufcis s, Owrgo, N.T.I
Airtiui a year si. ce a tuMion u- fro " Oi w. 1.,
Pa., culled my auention to your Cietim llnlin
aa remedy lor Cutiirili. ila Fi-ver, etc. He
wna so earie st iu averting it to bu a positiio
cur (tiinihelf nuv ng been cured by ii ), that I
was ii.dncuil to pniclm-e a stock. I must ty
that the Uh1.u bun met my hestexp o u'iotu,
having already elTi uted a iintnb r oi cures in
turn locality. Itonpeo lully, P. K. Hy-ut, M.D.,
Uonleutown. N. J. Out. bn-26, 1SS0.
Mesr . White & UunlicU, drugjuis, Iilmcn,
N. V.: My daughter an l mwcli, great tullui
er lrom Cutuirii, have battn cuied by Ely t
Cram li lm. sly sunte. t tin ell restored an 1
htultli greatly improvud. C." M. Stanley,
denier in hoots a- d !!' Ithtirn, N. V.
Pr.ce, 50 coins. Kiy's Cieani li ilin Co.,
Owet;o, iN'. V. Will mud it lor 6J ctum.
Pcbe Coo Liveb Oil mad.' lrom selected
livers, on tne e.u4;ina, by Caaweil, llnzo.nl It
Co., N'V Yurk. It is ab-oluicly pure and
we ft. Patients who have oneu taken it pre.
I r it to ull others. I'hyMC an. bavodeoidodit
tupcriur to anyol the odior oils iu market.
GIIFAT mKI2 Ml-. lIOI R.
rn. Tonus vuxKri.tx nonsu lin'imkvt in
f'h t l-Ii ib at i louts; KlptMsest h iwie i. It . the
w si hi Hie worid .r the tit e of e.ii. 0'l s les.Si.r.iH.
Iliuis . Sore lliroalt. elc. TOHMS- IMMllno.V
Pom dkus -e wamntr.l to rur uttinr, F. vit
Worini. 11 U; give a Que Gnat; Incre se Hi uppctlte nt
cram, the urinary orsiun. Cerilflcl lo l y 0 I. U.
Mv)u H. owner of fc.une of tho fa.iest mcnin: bursal
In the wor.it, mi l I .mi uihcu. u.l rru i. no.U by dtuj-
OPIUM
Morphine Hub!! t'url Ix 16)
UOdya. KiiiuyullCurHl.
1W i. Miwatruia, UOam. UU
Can't Prearn Good
No man oau do a good job ot work, preaoh
Rood sermon, try a law, suit well, doctor a
patl. nt, or write a Rood artlola when lie feeli
miserable and dull, with slngRish brain and
unsteady net ret, and none should make the
(.tempt in inch a oondition when it can be s)
entity and chea, ly renovated by a little Hop
Bitters. See "Truths" and "Proverbs,"
Other column.
The California State mineralogist
lately almost lost his life while investi
gating the mud volcanoes in the
Colorado desert. The crust surrounding
one of the craters gave way, and, as the
San rrancisco Alia says, he "almost
sank" into tho boiling cauldron.
Ton Can be Itappy
(1 yon will nop nil your eEiiftvagant end
wrong notions in doctoring yoursell and lami
lics with expensive doctors or humbug cure,
alls, that do harm always, and me only
nature's simple remedies for all yo ir ailments
you will be wisn. well and happy, and fave
gient expense. The gvatett remedy lor this,
the great, wise and good will tell you, is Hop
Uittets believe it. See Proverb" in an
other column.
" John." said Mr. Snob, " send a
nlumber ur to the house to-day. I'll
let folks know I'm wealthy and able to
afford luxuries." Boson Post.
A nioated Body
does not nlwavn b Ionic to au inebriate. KM
rev troubles will cause bloat, but Wnrcer':
Sale Kidney and Livur Cure has nevsriniltd
to remove it;
The cultivation of pampas grass,
much used for decorative purposes, has
become quite a profitable industry in
Southern California.
Snnnd repose is so eiential to good benlt'
that we leel emprise I to know any one woulil
litk los ot rest ninn a Ccuin or Cold, when
a b it lo ot Dr. Buh'a Cough Sitcp would
g.ve ieue9M"n 'Inm n,.
It cost Colonel Wilder, the noted po
mologist, 8250 to obtain the original
camellia from which those to lie found it
America were grown. It was imported
about forty years ago.
(Tiii engriwlng represent ttis Lmvs in a lu-iilili state.
What The Doctors Sav?
Pit. F1 KTOIII2H. "f l-.'n
irc-nuuon 1 yn'tir tin sum '
mriAU-uie lur coughs n-l ti-l is
. t.'tl, M, 8'ivg: "
hi prei'd'cuce to any otlie;
DU. A. JOHN JOX. i-f Mt. Vinwn. Ii';.. writt'i :
S"iiit woiiiU-rful i-iti. Sf'f ('nu n" i xn) In hts pi.-ici
ly the Ute of " A leu' !,u k I-u-mi."
IIH. J. R. Tl'K VEH. 1;... ntsvllV. AU.. a pra.tiri'i:
ptiys'ci.iu of tv.vnt'Xh -.,:, writ,: I ;k tie b-.'-i
p.-i ptratioii for C"fiisnuii'i1--Ji iii tlie w-.rM.M
For n'l IH'VIKCji f Ih TUo-f. F.ti f
nail ln' inii n Oian-K.it t ill lift' uu
n mo t frxeelltriif Ztt'iurily.
Ag au Expectorant i h;:a no Equal.
It oontains m Opium in any Form
J. N. HAltUlS t CO., Proprietors,
CINCINNATI, O.
Foi f-Uilo 1 v 1 1 lMimiplist H
J3o!dJ)yMcKASSO i IIor.lirNS. cw YnrK.
yfip It TOU At
,iuauyirf.U our HtrfVK
Jr of fni.iiiL',
enen ny the btram or
voux fiutics avoid
rtiPitilcntxand uja
liirhr woi k. to res-
ICC
Una biain m rveraiii
Hop Bitters.
jwa.ste, Ube Hop &
If tou aro jouni? and
dUcrt'tioii &r '.'i-iija
lion j it you urn inr.i--younp,
rmiTcrliiff from
urcennff rrom any in-
lira or unci, oia
,tnEt" Oiii or ?w vi
UllurkuiKiiMiHlr'
ly on HopRE
er you arc, rAi,
a on a uuu oz biiv-
Bitters
Tho i3Rnds die en-
wliMieTor you feci
tiiat your tyitcin
ii'-ei!? cU'RiiiIns, t-u-hi?
op ftiimilatinf-,
r 1 fnrm ot It I H m . w
distf-Mi unit imulit
have been rrt'tinud
lbya ti'iicly liquor
iai:o MOD
Bitters.
nopuircers
Q. I. C.
or urnmrtjKom-
r.'Tiiit, tiHCttw
of the e'omach,
fKiirrf's, blood,
it ceruv nerves !
Ton will be
cured If vu me
Hop Bitters
If you arenlm-l
rly weak find
jwsj-iriU'il.tryi
it i It may1
save your
life. It has
saved hun
!m.rf irnwKlu.
hie euro for
(Ininkt-nness ,
use of oini.ii
inccui or
i-strcuUca
Sold by dnifr
Circular. dreds
THE
IKihqcf Saw Machines
Price 89.00.
$1000 00 IN 0A3H 18 deposited In
WWWW.WW bank ag-alnst any other
aw machine In America. This Is the
cheapest machine made, and warranted
to saw logs easier and faster than any
other. We are the oldest saw machine
firm In America. Any prominent mer
chant will tell you we are responsible.
Beware of infringements. Our circulars
are free. Address,
Cnlled Slates Manufacturing Co., Chicago, HI.
Oar WELL AUGERS will bore
well 75 feet deep end 2 feet In diameter
In a day. Tlii: would clear you $50 in a
dey. Bend for our Pictorial Catalog-ue.
U. S. MANF'G CO., Chicago, 111.
RED RIVER
2.000.0G0 Acres
Lands
bast In tta world, tor tale by tb
St. Paul, MinnesBQlis & ManitoH R.R. CO.
Tbrea doUars p.?r acrn alloe'l tfao i tlr for braalv
log aud cultiVevuja. For pir'kuUr .ply to
D. A. McSCIraLAY.
Land Commtfi'ioiirr, t, l'aul, ninn
WMr Iyelfetlir 4 4FKST
nul liK.i ; It aeU ltiba. nt t
iieiiiE:.Ipro(ludht; the most
Hamuli t-liuiieor It m k or
lltuwnj iloti SitT SiALN
Itie Stv., au'l In taUy
RISTAOORO'SKS-ii
It k a bian-larj
n and a tavonta
onevet y well n ilntctl
lcltor La'iyur Geiiticmun.
bnWt by liiii iiuim uu 1 .ir
i..i-d by llmr lrct .
J eimt.UlWi! iamSi ,N'.Y.
C. N. CUinLMO.N. Aut.
;4 AI.o6AL.AUY ucrmouth. AU EXPENSES
l a uTsnccil. WiUtg itrflinirOr prttl. 6 LOAN
ual A to. SO Uers ka. Claslaiai.I. o.
finrrl AlVmrri Only prscuesl Beo msd. Carl
t"liU iAlUUIU boanl le.il. open both en.la, hol.li
BuUCaids. Bent free by lnal) f-n ru-eipt of fcl.t.O.
II. A. liKUUKS, a! kil SI.. SIeDl, tM.
YnilMR MFIM Lorn Tein!'a.!iy. harn H lo ino"
iuwku lllt.1. D,oijih.Oiaa..al.miaraitteiiialLg
S3!
r' A irfOrVril I AStNtH WANTED!
. iii IU Iksl S,l,j An,c e. In the worU, .
W M tmif .tjrtt. Jay Uro.o. Detlbll, Mich.
AI.IFK'H Brain rood-cn'es Nerron. Debllltj
k We.ikni.-M ot Gi ernili e uruiiw, t)tal diugflila
beuii lur Ur'I'i loAllu' Pliaruiacy.it 13 t'lrtt Av..S.y.
S777
A VRAH tad sxpenari toaianla,
V. O VICKEKY, Au.u.1, Maine.
AHPMT WANTli . S.ci'im.n UUUa. Olrn ani
HUr.11 1 a BoJ a. Adarraa Hatcli r roe., hrldf coort. Ot
PISO'S CURElSLiXi'MC
AGOOD FAMILY REMEDY!
STRICTIiY 1'IUK.
lw fete
i
r.s-?-
8:H mmi
y UIIILIlUtf
NEVER I
I FAIL
m . Ji
OOP BITTBBS B.
TO CO., fc
Kaeknttr, . I. P.
Toroul. llcL fi.
Iff
0m
mm
1-HJn
GREAT GERMAN
REMEDY '
RHEUMATISM
NEURALGIA, '
SCIATICA,
LUM3AG0,
.lHll.imUUIUHiW
ft
ni!!!
m
Mini
BACKACHE,
SORENES9
or m
CHEST,
ll'ffliiniiiiiiiiJt
! ! h... ...! h
S0P.ETHR0AT,
QUINSY,
SWELLIMaS
Afro
SPRAINS,
IFm9n
!
Ifil 'iiijlllliiuiiiiiuiK!!!i
FROSTED FEET
AND
EARS,
AND
BOAIiSS,
mm
:nt:t:' n it: tr ' j
Pains
TOOTH, EAR
4!fT
HEADACHE.
miDTHEB Fill
Ih, .-!.(;!
..!!
liiiiliil
AND
IU claim,. DiHECTIOMt IU ELITES LAN0t,AUE9.
SOU) 11 All DRU00I5TS AND OtAltF.S IN MEDIC'.IIE.
A. VSI-ER & CO.
JSnltitnnrr. SM-. fjjfij;
INFLAMMATIONS and
HEMORRHAGES.
Ml .
Lineumatisni, neuralgia
No other irrarut:0'i Ivm circ Foraanv ci-.tfl of
these iti'tn'ssit-tr coTnp.ui: n i t'ia i:triu t. Our
luitur is i ivulual)3oiii t'ieii(MU-euMis, Limibupro.
Pai ism back or Si.te. k:. O ir O-ntim-nt (W
cents) for u-n vht removal f clot Hi i;rulicot
ve ileat, Uatfrout iiolp La is.leviurf iuiuuiatory
Hemorrhages.
IVew.r frora tb
Vnsn. fir f mm nnv iiirt i BOPPtliltf co,itrrJc 1 aid
hater ($I.UJ) urourcut uldd iu urreotL.g' tulerud
b eediuif.
Diphtheria & Sore Throat.
LVotbB I? xtrnrt promptly. It ia a euro cure. Do-,
lay Id Uiiuguroud.
rM iPir-li 'inG Rxtrnrt I the eny e psclfio
LUlUll II. for Una (It'.r.''v?. CnUl 111 II mid
kc. Oiv M'iturHi t'nif." i-pecullv iir.:;-arc4
to meet pc ii n ;b en no, c 11' nil t'.'.t cutntinj
rro 'crUoi cf t.io lr:n t o.:r .;inl Sjrluuo
ivi!u:ij:t f r n 'o la cuUri'iiiil uilcctiojj?, Usuuflo
audu.iuipeubivo.
Sores. Uicero, Wounds,
Sprains and Bruises.
injr. cooli'itr o:).l f!on-ii:i:r. Vcn our Ointment
i'i oo-iPGctlti wlttt (he Ivirnt (it v.iil aid iu
iicnliuK. euituiug'midialoci iijout tlioi.ir.
Bums and Scalds. ""2
it 1 unrlvoli'tl, tvA rho"H I f ko t i:i ev-.-ry f uiaily
rc:id' lur w-is In c (f m i ! t , Af.rLv-iTrw ut
o ir Otuimciit will aid ia licitautf aud lruvcl
Inflamed or Sore Eves.
It(iitio nce'i without tho t'l ':r-t f-r :':-i:i,
without i;in.
roothac'ip and
, I'.r-u i -l: ran n
to v:
tlOTlS, ltSClVoct 1.1 fill J I l" Wiv.i.,ct.li.
&9 It UlUa crc.ntc:-;T lninwn lotnotlv ! ri-
i'llv curl"t; v.'hc'i rl ii'i' in,-'!!''i ci lmo f :!';".
l'lilHi'H I.Xt',..( ! -IN ;i v;tfri'T,'J"l
Olntiiif nt, i- f r-ir ovv:a) v.1k..o tLc iv;(.;.l
For BroUsn"
ot clci.'u ?iri.iJ.icuvc-io:ii.
Breast
OOi SJ i.(jfJ3vy.. c.vnnly nrni cflVn.
clou t'nt tntb-r i v.-ho li ivn o:k o l it w' vevr r
lo within it. -(.'li;iuivut id thobcbteioUie;.!
tlliit CUil bo iiiI.KX
Femalo Complaints. f"t
be called nfnrtho m ij 'v t fomalo dii't-nrsii
tho xirutt bo ubid. i'ti uirocUouiacuoiui;iU".y
uui;u uuiuu.
CAUTCOM.
Pond's Extract
Has boon Imltaf !
'J hi) C'TiUiUrJ h .
tho words mP'm!,. r(rm (" b.nrrii l:i tho k;
Bad our i'ji't;ir& tij-i'i::t oi mu'rotiiuhiK t i;.
.t.ii;.' r. No . cV-.'-r i itv;ul' Ahvay i
on li-tvi'ifr I'Mfi'H 1;m m (. I'ot.tlj: r ;.
lar.iao.i. It is dvcr i.'-i i i or bo mcu it?
rico Pono'a Fl xtr ct, Toilec A rti
C!8 and ispcj.altiuj.
0DS HX Tii it" .. :.rc.4l.:Onnri.rMl,'
iliit Crciuil 1 r I i.iiii i ti i'lit-
teiti.ei-ifc ;.!. ' ,
i; iialve
ii Met Mr,ii (.)C! ;)
ilutmeut
IfC.
:-. .(.!
e.i-.n;.-r
Prepared oa'y by PJNJ EXTRACT CJ-,
KEW VOHK AND LONDON,
for sale by all I);:- ti v.u-cy Goc-da Dfta!n
'.l- I. it- 9. ut.;t it: r
Hcnd us your Addrotis
ON A A'OSTAL CARD,
AND WB Wl'.r. SKH ''O'J Ol'K 'l.VTKIIKS'llMl
ANO VALLA1ILB I'AMi'ill.lCl' l'OK LA1 OV
"Shopping inflewYork"
EHR1CI1 BSSIHIB
285 tc 29d
Eighth Avenue,
NEW YOIIK.
SURE RIDDANCE
RAlb,
RATS,
RATS.
MICE,
MICE,
MICE, j
CROWS,
Prof. Mitchell's
MAGIC WHEAT,
Don't Die ia tba House!
A Magic Exterminator of
RATS, MICE, MOLES,
CR0W5, &c.
CROWS,
CROWS.
Price, JS3 t'ls. per Facksc
D. M. St! ger & Co.. C3 Barclay St.,H.YAgbnts.
ENCYCLOPEDIA
TIOUETTEIBUSINF
Ilili is fli. eliMne and onl comu'et. an i nV.ii,
work on ttlqunie nJ ll.'.ilnen ui.j s,ia K..rv,i it
te U Uow to iHirturm all v.mvu, .lui e. oi Hf,-, an.?
how toap-ar lo tu bct iv.wUf on all occ.V, "i
Adilrta. Naiifcint Puui isulvo Co.. Puili ic u;,ia. Pa.
GELLULOID
EYE-CLASSE8.
Reprwemlrg the ehoioest fleeted Torioiss
Bii.ll .od Atuhar. Tli. lightest, bsnlauian.t,
and strongest known. 60 d by 0,iticnna and
lewnlors. Mda by 8I'KXi.:ER OI'llCAL
M F G. CO., 18 Mai lea Line, New York.
AlViorJ
LA"T KA It W . lo Kt par Aora.
iiiiTiiiiiiMiili!iii!ill7l'J
Pill S HlKl.
Pond's Extract.
. . . . ; i : :
.1. i.'iv . iv
FREE!
raj urut,, .iiiiiinera li-;in, cim.il..
k V. iiHAiUiUtt, -wiadtw Hi.