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7 V c.. i---
HENRY A. PARSONS, Jr., Editor and Publisher.
NIIj desperandxjm.
Two Dollars per Annum.
VOL. VI.
MDGWAY," KLK COUNTY, PA., THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1870.
NO. 30.
The Mouse.
I'm only poor little mouse, ma'am I
I live la the wall of your house, ma'am 1
With a fragment of oh peso, and a very few
peas,
I was having a little carouse, ma'am I
No mischief at all I Intended, ma'am 1
I hope you will aot as my friend, ma'am I
- If my life yon should take, many hearts It
would break,
And the trouble would be without end, ma'aml
My wife Uvea In there in the crack, ma'am 1
Bho's waiting for me to oome back, ma'am!
Bhe hoped I might find a bit of a rind,
For the ohildren their dinner do laok, ma'am 1
'Tie liard living there iu the wall, ma'am 1
lor plaster and mortar will pall, ma'am,
On the minds of tho yousg, and when speci
ally nunpry, upon their poor father they'll fall,
ma'am !
I nnver was given to strife, ma'am 1
(Don't look at that terrible knife, ma'am I)
T'ie rtoUa overhead that disturbs yon in bed,
Tin the ra'.s, I will venture my life, ma'am!
In your eyes I see mercy, I'm sure, ma'am !
O i, there's no need to open the door, ma'am 1
I'll slip through the orack, and I'll never oome
back,
Ob, I'll never come back any more, ma'am !
St. A'icholat.
JACK EASY.
How many have laughed over the in
cidents related by Capt. Marry att in
Ji b story of Midshipman Easy. In
presenting his hero to the publio the
Author tells us how the nurse was in
f tailed ' in neeentrio old Nioodemns
Easy' home as follows :
Mrs. Easy did not And herself equal
to nursing her own infant, and it was
n suosEiiry to look ont for a substitute.
Now a cooimou person would have been
nati-ified with the recommendation of
the nipdic.il man, who looks but to the
ouo thing needful, which is a suflieiout
and wholarome supply of nourishment
for the child ; but Mr. mazy was a phi
losopher, arid had latterly taken to
craii)l')cv, and he descanted very
learnedly with the doctor npon the effect
of Lis only son obtaining his nutriment
from an uuktiown sonrce. Who
l-.ii' vs," observed Mr. Easy, "hut that
viy nou may not imbibe with his milk
t,h. verv worst passions of human
nature ?"
I Lave examined her," replied the
doir, "ami can safely recommend
her."
" That examination is only prelimi
nary to one UK're.iniportant," replied Mr.
E:ry. " I will e'xaini-'e her."
" fixaniiue ,ho, Mr. Easy?" ex
cluiaiod his wife, who had laid. down
ngu'n on tho bed.
" fho nurse, my dear."
" l'xnmino what, Mr. Easy?" con
tiauod the lady.
" Her head, my dear," replied tin
husbai'.d. " I mnfit ascertain whether
propensities are."
" T think you. had hotter let her alone,
Mr. E isy. She comes this evening, and
I shall question her pretty severely.
Doctor' Middleton, what do you know
of ihi young person?"
" I know, madam, that she is voiy
healthy and strong, or I should not have
sslected her."
" But is her character good ?"
" Really, mnd.tm, I know little about
her character ; but you can make any
inquiries you please. But at tho
same time I ought to observe, that if
yon are too particular in that point, you
will have some difficulty in providing
yourself."
"Well, we shall see," replied Mrs.
Easy.
" And. I ehall feel," rejoined the hus
band. This parleying was interrupted by the
arrival of the vury person in question,
who was announced by the housemaid,
aud was nf-h; rod in. She was a baud
Home, fkuif healthy looking girl, awk
ward aii.d -naive iu her manner, and ap
parently 'not over-wise j there was more
of the dove than of the Eerpent iu her
composition. 1
Mr. Easy, who was very anxious to
make his own discoveries, was the first
who spoke. " Young wornsu,, come this
vri'Y, I wifch to tyaiTiiue your head.
"Oh! dear iu, sir, it's quite clean,
I assure you," cried tho girl, dropping
a eourtoi y.
Doctor Middleton, who sat -between
tb bed and Mr. Eas-y's chair, rubbed
his haada and lausrlied. In tha m'ran
tia.e, Mr. E.wy lmd uutied the ttnug
and taken off tho cap of the yonug
woman, and was very biw-y putting his
fingers through her hair, eiuring which
tho face of the young woman expressed
four and astonishment.
"I'm glad to pemive that you have a
larg portion of benevolence."
"Yes," replied the young woman,
dropping another courtesy.
" Aud veneration, also."
"Thauky, sir."
" Aud the organ of modesty is strong
ly developed."
' " Yes, sir," replied the girl, with a
B.nilo.
"That's quite a new organ," thought
Dr. Mi Idleton.
" Philo-progenitiveuess very power
ful." "If you please, sir, I don't know
what that is," answered Sarah, with a
courtesy. '
" Ntvntheless, you have given us a
practical illustration. Mrs. Easy, I am
satisfied. Have yon any questions to
ask ? Hut it is quite nmieos-(ary."
"To be sure I have, Mr. Ea9y. Pray,
young womuu, what is your name!"
"Sarah, if you please, ma'am."
" How long hava you been married ?"
"Married, ma'am ?"
"Yes, married."
"If you please, ma'am, I hid a mis
fortune, ma'am," replied the young girl,
casting down her eyes.
" What, have you not beeu inairicd I"
" No, ma'am, not yet."
. "Good heavens! Dr. Middleton,
vhat can you mcan by bringing this
person here!' exclaimed Mrs. Easy.
"Nut a raanied woman, and sho has a
child I"
"Jf you please, ma'am," interrupted
ihe young woman, dropping a courtesy,
it waa a very little one."
" A very little one I" exolaimed Mrs.
Easy.
" Yen, ma'am, very small, indeed, and
died soon after it was born.
" Oh, Dr. Middleton I What could
you mean, Dr. JH Hi diet on I
" Mr dear madam, exclaimed the
doctor, rising from bis chair, "this is
the only person I could find suited to
the wants ot your child, and if yon do
not take her.T cannot answer for its life.
It is true, that a married woman mipht
be procured; bnt married women who
have a proper feeling will not desert
their own children; and, as Mr. Easy as
serts, and you appear to imagine, the
temper and disposition of your child
may be affected by tho nourishment it
recoives, I think it more likely to be in
jured by the milk of a married woman
who will desert her own child for the
sake of gain. The misfortune which has
happened to this ycung woman is not
always a proof of a bad heart, but of
strong attachment, and the overweening
confidence of simplicity."
"You are correct, doctor," replied
Mr. Easy, "and her head proves that
she is a modest young woman, with
strong religious feeling, kindness of dis
position, and every other requisite. "
" The head may prove it all, for what
I know, Mr. Easy, but her conduct tells
another tale."
" She is well fitted for the situation,
ma'am," continued the doctor.
"And if you pleaso, ma'am," rejoined
Sarah, "it was such a little one."
"Shall I try the baby, ma'am," snid
the monthly nurse, who had listened iu
p.ilence. "It is fretting so, poor thing,
and has its dear little fist right down its
throat."
Dr. Middlbton gave the signal of as
sent, and in a few seconds Master John
Easy was fixed to Sarah as tight as a
leech.
" Lord love it, how hungry it is I
There, there, stop it a moment, it's
choking, poor thing."
Mrs. Easy, who was lying on her bed,
rose up, and went to the child. Her
first feeling was that, of envy, that an
other should have such a pleasure which
was denied to herself, the next that of
delight at the satisfaction expressed by
the infant. In n few minutes the child
fell back in a deep sleep. Mrs. Easy
w:is satisfied; maternal feelings conquer
ed all others, and Sarah was duly in
stalled. A Neighbor's Revenge.
They didn't invite an elderly lady to
tho wedding, says tho Baltimore News,
but she succeeded in effecting au en
trance when the presents were exhibited,
aud took a fearful revenge, as follows :
Siie adjusted her spectacles, -took a Bil
vor cream pitcher forming part of a set,
read the card attached to it, coughed
mid frowned. A neighboring spectator's
attention was attracted, and she said:
" It's solid silver it should last."
,: Solid silver, yes ; aud it will last. I
saw it first when Hattie Towker was
married, and the Wheelers gave her the
h t. That was in 1864. Then I met it
8t Clara Sims' wedding, when Miss
Burlmge presented it. Off and cn I've
s'.en it about a dozen times. The
j!weler lets it ont. Last time was when
Luella Fowler was married, and the
jyweler vowed he'd never let it out
again, because the Podgerses, who hired
it to present it, didn't pay for the use
of it, and Grubs seized it with all the
other presents, becauso tho wedding
supper wasm't paid for. Presetted by
lit r Affectionate friends, Benry aud
Jcspbine Plnmmer.' Humph! Ar.y
body with a grain of sense might know
that the Plnwraers couldn't have given
them that. Why, the Plummers couldn't
go to church on feuuday fortnight be
causo the washerwoman kept their
things becauso they couldn't raise
mr:ey to pay her." In this pleasant
manm-r tho dear old lady, with the
privilege of age and near friendship,
passed all tho articles on the table iu re
view and let the guests know rather
more about everybody and everything
than they co'ild have found out any
other way.
The Polish Centennial Address.
A deputation of twenty Polish gentle
men delivered to United States Minister
Waubburne, at the American Legation,
in Paris, for transmission to President
GraTit, a rpecial address and a medal
htruck ou the occasion of the Centen
nial Exhibition. The medal on one
nide bears the effigy of Washington, and
ou tbi reverse the effigies of Kosciusko
i'.nd Pulaski. On handing the medal to
Mr. Wat-hburue, M. Charles Edmond, a
Pole and librarian of the French Senate,
raid : " In the name of the Polish im
migrants I deliver to your hands an ad
dress to the President of the United
States, written on the occasion of the
glorious eeutenary which the Americans
are commemorating; and also a medal
representing the founder of American
independence and two Polish heroes who
fouzht in the liberating army. Mr,
Washbnrno made a cordial reply, and
baul that pending President Grant s an
swer he felt authorized to assure the
delegatiou that he would . bo deeply
toncned uy tne nonor iney aia mm.
Mr. Washburne also thanked the depu
tation on his own behalf, and said he
shared their hopes for " the establish
mentof liberty throughout the world."
Several Americans were present, and
tne proceedings were most cordial.
A Popular Error,
It is a popular error to suppose that
milk is frequently adulterated with aheep
brains, starch, chalk, or pipe clay,
whereas its adulteration simply resolves
itself into the addition of water and the
abstraction of cream. As even pure
milk varies from twenty to thirty per
cent, in commercial value, it is difficult
for tho analyst to determine how much
water has been added or cream abstract
ed. Furthermore, durirg the sale of a
cau in a store, the best milk goes from
the top in an hour or two, bo that what
remains may beoome so poor as to be
unable to stand a tost. The solid matter
iu milk varies from nine to sixteen per
cent ; that containing from ten to twelve
is generally good and wholesome. Fat
is the constituent of milk that varies
most, sav from two to four per cent.
Goats' milk, is rioher in solid matter
than cows' milk, containing as muoh as
fourteen per cent.
Why Annt SalHe Never Married.
" Now, Aunt Sallie, do please tell us
why you never got married. Yon re
member you said once that when you
were a girl yon wore engaged to a min
ister, and promised us you would toll ns
about it some time. Now, aunt, please
tell us."
" Well, you see, when I was about
seventeen years old, I was living in
Utira, in the State of New York.
Though I Bay it to myself, I was quite a
good looking girl then, and had several
beaux. The one that took my fancy waa
a young minister, a very promising
young man, and remarkably pious aud
steady. He thonght a great deal of me,
and I kind of took a fancy to him, and
things went on until we were engaged.
One evening he came to me and put his
arms around me, and kind of hugged
me, when I got excited and some rlus
trated. It was a long time ago, and I
don't know but what I may have hugged
back a little. I was like any other girl,
and pretty soon I pretended to be mad
about it, and pushed him away, though
I wasn't mad a bit. You mnst know the
house where I lived was on the back
streets of tho town. There were glass
doors in tho parlor, which opened over
the street. These doors were drawn to.
I stepped back a little from him, aud
when he came up close I pushed him
back again. I pushed him harder than
I intended to, and don't you think,
girls, the poor fellow lost his balance
and fell through one of the doors into
"Oh 1 aunty. Was he killed ?"
" No. He fell head first, and as he
was going I caught hold of him by the
legs of his trowsers. I held on for a
minute, and tried to pull him back; bnt
his suspenders gave way, and the poor
man fell clear of his pantaloons into a
parcel of ladies and gentlemen along the
street."
"Oh! Annty! Aunty 1 Lordy!"
" There, that's right, squall and giggle
as much ns yon want to. Girls that can't
hear a little thing like that without tear
ing around the room and he-he-ing in
such a way, don't know enough to come
iu when it rains. A nice time the man
tiiat mnrries one of you will have, won't
ho? Catch re telling you anything
BKRin.
Uut, Aunt Haine, what Became oi
him ? Did you ever see him again V
No; tho moment he touched the
ground he got up and left that place in
i terrible hurry. I tell you, it was a
-icht to be remembered. How that man
lid run. He went out West, and I be
lievo he is preaching in Illinois. But he
never married, lie was very modest,
and I suppose he was so badly frighten-
d that time tnat no nover dared trust
himself near u woman again. That,
inrls, is the reason why I never married,
felt very bad about it for a long time
for ho was a real good man, and I've
oft.-n thonght to myself that we should
have been very happy if his suspenders
hadn t given away.
Honcsly is the Best Policy.
One day a strange customer came to a
Detroit customer. He wanted some
goods and he paid cash down. The next
(lay he made another purchase and paid
cash, and as the days went by his face
oud his cash became familiar. One day
he retnrned with the change given him
and sail I :
" I believe I am an honebt man. You
paid mo twenty cents too much."
lhegrocer received itand was pleased.
Two d&ys after that the stranger returned
from tne curbstone to say :
" Another mistake on your part; you
overpaid me by forty cents.
The grocer was glad to have founel an
honest man, and was puzzled to know
how ho could have counted so far out of
tho way. Three days more, and the
stranger picked up a dollar bill in the
store and paid : " This is not my dollar.
I found it on the floor, an I you must
take cuarge ot it.
Ihe grocer s heart melted, and he
wondored if the world was not progress
ing backward to old-time honesty. A
skip of one day, aud then the honest
man brought down a wheelbarrow, or
tiered eighteen dollars' worth of gro
ceries, and would have paid cash had he
not forgotten his wallet. He would hand
it in at noon as he weut pant, he said
and it was all right with the grocer.
That was the last of the honast mun
mom in fades to no n, and noon melts
away in darEness, am he cometn cot,
There aro no mistakes in change no
more dollars on the floor, and the cro
cer's eyes vear a way-off expression, as
if yearning to see homo one for about
two minutes.
X 'arrovr Escape. "
Two aeronauts who ascended from the
Crystal Palace, Sydenhem, England, had
a narrow escape from drowning. Six
minutes after the start they entered a
vast boety ot hot vapor throe thousand
feet thick. After penetrating it and
reaobing au altitude of seven thousand
feet, the mercury suddenly fell seventy
degrees, and tne balloon was deluged
with two hundred pounds of heavy cold
rain. Three hundred pounds of ballast
had to be thrown out rapidly, for they
eunk so low that they could hear persons
shouting. After rising again with
strong south-southwest wind to nine
thousand feet, they remained forty min
utes at that height, and then desoended
quickly, because they were already on
the Essex coast, having traveled fifty
miles in the hour. They wero close to
the German ocean, and their grapnel
nearly becemo entangled with the mast
of a fishing smack, whose crew rescued
them from an island, where the balloon
lay capsized, and the aeronauts under
the oar in the mud.
Let Me See Him.
When Louis XV. was passing through
a town in tho north of r ranee, his re
ception being of the most enthusia' tic,
au old woman was suddenly seen to dart
through the ranks of the military escort,
crying: "Let me see him I - Let me
bo Lira !" '
Tho king stopped his carriage.' ad
dies1 ed a few kind words to her, then
continued his progress. . . ,
. Then the old woman, flung her bauds
into the air, and, with all the rapture of
ii ions Simen, cried;
" Thank Heaven ! 1 have seen him
Aud now I don't' care how soon he
elies!"
HOW HE WOT THE KEY.
The Story f a Bunk Robber That Didn't
Come by Telrarnph.
A few days ago about dusk a stranger
called at the residence of a bank cashier
St. Louis, and introducing himself,
said he desired some private conversa
tion on business of importance. The
cashier thereupon led him to a private
room, gave orders that they were not to
be disturbed, seated himself, folded his
arms, and desired his mysterious ac
quaintance to communicate the object of
is visit. The man coughed one or twice,
then snid :
Being the cashier of this here finan
cial institutioti, of course you keep the
key of the safe f
The cashier said he did.
"And you know about th" bank rob
bers that go round and tie and gag cash
iers and their families, and with pistols
at their heads compel them to give up
the keys 1"
The cashier said he did.
" And you've heard about the Dcvon-
ort Brothers and the Spiritualists and
things?"
The cashier said ho had.
"INow," said the stranger, "I've been
studying up the whole business, and I
have found out how to overcome them."
"You don't say so?"
" Yes, sir. For 85 I will impart to you
secret which may at some future time
save your life and the funds intrusted to
yonr care, I will show you how to untie
any series of knots, however compli
cated; to remove agag from your mouth,
nnd, in fact, to set yourself free. I can
release myself iu 2:14$, and with a
week's practice I'll bet that you can show
better than three minutes. You see the
advantage of my system ? There is no
need to resist and get shot; all you have
to do i3 to let them tie you up, and, as
soon as they have taken the key and
gone, why you just let yoursoli loose
aud give the alarm.
The cashier said it was a remarkable
invention.
Yon bet it is," said the inventor,
' and as I never take any money for it
till my customers are satisfied of my
honesty in dealing with them, I'll toll
you what I'll do. Just let me gag and
bind you, and theu 1 11 give you simple
directions what to do, aad if you don't
nnlooso yourself in five minutes and ex
press your entire satisfaction with the
process, I'll give you 10. If you find
that I am a man of my word, you'll pay
me 85."
Tiie cashier said that nothing could be
fairer.
" Another thing," continued the visi
tor; " I'm a poor man, and this secret is
my only stock in trade, so 1 11 ask you
not to teach any one else how to do it,
for that WGUld spoil my business."
The cashier consented to the arrange
ment.
"Take this $10 bill," said the other.
If I fail, you keep it; if you are satis
fied, you will return it to mo vith -an
other $5. And now this is how we do
t. So saying he took a roll of cord
uud a gag from his pockets, and with
great dexterity tied that cashier hand
and foot, and gagged him so that ho
could not wink.
"Now you are tied pretty firmly,
ain't you? You wouldn't think you
could ever get loose, would your
The cashier looked the replies be
could not speak.
'I don t think you could myself.
said the inventor; "and now let me tell
you my name is Jesse H. James, the no
torious train robber, and if you don't
fork over that key in three seconds I'll
cut your throat from ear to ear. I beg
your pardon; you can't, but I'll take it
myself. It's no trouble," and, turning
that cashier over on his back like a tur
tle, he took the key. " I won't take
your pocketbook," he said, "for the
$10 is yours," as I don't think you will
be able to get loose in nve minutes, or
five hours either. So long, sonny.
and, with a courteous bow, he quitted
the apartment, and proceeded to the
bank, which he rifled as completely and
leisurely as if he had been one of the
directors. The Fad event has cast
gloom over the community.
Auecihites of John Bandolph.
Tho celebrated duel between Ran
dolph and Henry Clay grew out of the
Presidential election of la'H. la that
election Mr. Clay, finding that he had
no chance but held the balance of pow
er, eleotei John Quiucy -Adams, by
whom he was made secretary ot state
In publio debate Mr. Bmdolph spoke
of this as "a combination, unheard of
till then, of tho Puritan with tho black
leg." In the resulting duel Clay missed
his aim and Randolph fired wide. Clay
grasped bis hand and exclaimed:
trust in Uocl, my dear sir, you are un
touched; after what has occurred
would not have hnrmed you for a thou
sand worlds." Not long after Clay told
.Randolph that Mrs. uiay had borne
son, and they had named it John Ran
dolph Clay. Mr. Randolph, straighten
ing up, replied: " I hope he will never
disgrace his godfather. Notwithstand
ing thh incident, and the fact that Mr.
Randolph paid a visit to the Senate but
a few days before his death for the ex
press purpose of bidding adieu to Clay,
the tradition is that he was at his own
request buried in his grave iu a sitting
posture with his faoe to the West, "that
ho might watch his enemy, Henry
Clay." The place which he selected for
his grave was between two pine trees in
front of his house. One of them is still
standing. '
Mr. Lincoln's Horse Trade.
When Abraham Linooln was a lawyer
iu Illinois he and the judge once got to
bantering one another about trading
horses, and it wa agreed that the next
morning at nine o'clock they should
make a trade, the horses to be unseen
up to that hour, and no backing out,
uudur a forfeiture of twenty-five dollars,
At the hour appointed the judge came
up, leading the sorriest looking speoi
men of a horse ever seen in those parts.
lu a lew minutes Mr. Lincoln was seen
approaching wit a wooden saw-horse
upon' his shoulders. Great were the
shouts and the laughter of the crowd,
and both wero greatly increased when
Mr. Linooln, ou surveying the judge's
anirnul, set down his saw-horse and ex
claimed: " Well, ' judge, this is the
first time I ever got the worst of it in a
horse trade."
CAUSES OP INSANITY.
Aa Interesting- Paper from ike Rtfpeilnlea.
dent of no Enaitah Aailoin.
Dr. Glouston, physician superinten
dent of the Edinburgh asylum, in his
annual report, says : Glancing over the
summary of assigned causes, it is at onoe
seen that intemperance stands out as by
far the most frequent, it alone caused
forty-eight of the 260, or about twenty
per cent, of the cases. Much is properly
said about the prevention of diseases
owadays. Most unquestionably the
sura total of tho mental diseases iu our
city might have been lessened in that
amount if the laws of nature had been
better obeyed. Fifty of the cases thus
resulting from drinking and excesses
being paupers, each costing 27 a year
to the publio rates, over 1,300 will have
been paid for ono year's production of
lunacy from very preventable causes,
and, of course, this takes no account of
tho cost of the old incurable cases al-
eady in the asylum from the samo
cause.
I am quite sure that intemperance was
the remote cause of the disease in more
of tho oases; but, even allowing for
those, we cannot put this down as ac
counting in any way for more than one
in four in all cases of insanity. In as
signing intemperance as the cause of in
sanity in a number of oases, two things
must not be forgotten. The first is,
that the taking of stimulants may not
be a cause at all, but merely a symptom
of the brain disorder; and, ns a matter
of fact, it is often one of the early
symptoms in many cases. The second
thing to be kept in mind is that there
are many oases in which it is the real
cause of the mental disorder, but the
mental balance has always been so un
stable and the brain working so easily
overset that a very little alcohol indeed
will bring on an attack of insanity in
these persons, just as in those same peo
ple fright or a little overexcitement will
upset their sanity. This is the class of
persons who, in my exporienco, get up
i , i - - ' ,
en uy reijgiuua revivuia.
The resetting and recuperative power
that is really an essential part of a
healthy, nervous system, whereby tho
effect of not too long continued overeat
ing or overdrinking, overfeeding or
overwork, are at once recovered from, is
wanting in these people. Nature pro
vides that short excesses do not do muoh
harm to healthy peoplo. It is a poor
sort of boiler that bursts whenever the
exact pressure needed for its daily work
is exceeded. . And before I leave this
subject I may mention that I have not
reckoned in any way tho mere drinking
craving or the inability to resist it, as
constituting insanity. I believe this may
or may not be real a insanity iu different
cases, but it was from developed and
unmistakable mental alienation that all
my patients suffered. When the causes
of insanity of our eighty-four private
putiento are oomporod with those of the
'i'22 paupers, the difference is most strik-
ng, and entirely bears out the general
law already indicated.
Of those eighty-eight private patients,
mental causes produced the disease iu
about thirty-eight, physical being only
twelve per cent, under them, while in
tho paupers they were just one-third as
numerous. These facts tend strongly to
show that the higher iu the social scale
wo go the more strongly do purely men
tal and moral shocks act in upsetting a
healthy mental balance, and that those
'causes operate more powerfully on the
lower classes of a town population than
an agricultural.
Oue Way of Carving a Turkey.
There is nothing a young unmarried
man likes better than to go to a dinner
at the house of a friend and be asked to
carvo the turkey. He never carved a
turkey in bis life, and with an old maid
on one side of him, watching him close
ly, and on the other Bide a fair girl for
whom be has a tenderness, he feels em
barrassed when he begins. First he
pushes the knife down toward one of
the thigh joints. He oau't find the joint,
and be plunges the knife around iu
search of it until he makes minoemeat
out of the whole quarter of the fowl.
Then he sharpens his knife and tackles
it again. At last, while making a terrific
dig, he hits the loint suddenly, aud the
leg flies into the maidon lady's lap, while
her dress front is covered with a shower
of stuffing. Then he goes for the other
leg, and when the young lady tolls him
he looks warm, tho weather seems to
him snddenly to become four hundred
degrees warmer. This leg he finally
pulls loose with his fingers. He lays it
on the edge of the plate, and while he
is hacking at the wing he gradually
pushes the leg over on the clean table
cloth, and when ho picks it up it slips
from his hand into the gravy tlibh and
splashes the gravy around for six square
yards. Just as he has made up his mind
that the turkey has no joints to its
wings, the host asks him if he thinks
the Indians cau really be civilized. The
girl next to him laughs, and he Bays he
will explain his views upon the subject
after dinner. Then he sops his brow
with his handkerchief, and presses the
turkey so hard with the fork that it
slides off the dish and upsets a goblet of
water on the girl next to him. Nearly
frantic, he gouges away again at the
wings, gets them off in a mutilated con
dition, and digs into the breast. Before
he cau cut any off the host asks him why
ho . don't help ont the turkey. Bewil
dered, he puts both legs on a plate and
hands them to the maiden lady, and
then helps the young girl to a plateful
of stuffing, and while taking her plate in
return knocks over the gravy dish.
Then he sits down with the calmness of
despair and fans himself with ft napkin,
while the servant girl clears . up and
tikes the turkey to the other end of the
table. - He doesn't discuss the, Indian
question that day. He goes home right
after dinner and spends the night trying
to decide whether to commit suioide or
to take lessons in carving,
1:
It is significant of the change which is
taking place in marine locomotion, that,
of all the tonnage imported into Great
Britain last year, steam veeseU repre
sent 12,324,116 tons, as against. 10,869,
047 ton iu sailing vessels; 15.100,991
tons were conveyed in English, and only
7.502,172 tons iu foreign vessels,
"Gifted lu His Nose."
The following is John Norton's the
Old Trapper's reason for not using
tobacco, in Mr. Murray's Adirondack
story now running in the Oolien Rule :
" Henry," said he, as he stood leaning
over the end of his boat, "you come
here and we will hist this boat into
camp. 1 dare say I am an old fool, but
somehow I sorter feel that this lake
shore isn't quite the spot to leave an
honest man's boat on. I can remember
when to have done it would have cost a
man his boat and scalp, too, onless the
Lord marcifuily kept his eyes open by
dreams."
Iu a moment the boat was plaoed
where the old man wished it, and setting
his back against its side for a support,
he unlaced his moccasins, and thrust
his smoking feet out toward the fire.
Taking a pipe from my pocket, I filled
it with a choice brand or tobaooo x bad
in my pouch, and proffered it to him.
"Thank ye. thank ye. Henry." said
he, as he made a motion of rejection of
tho offer with his hand; "I thank ye for
the kindness ye mean in your heart, but
if it be all the same to ye, I won't take
it. I know it is a comfort to ye, and I
am glad to see ye enjoy it, but I have
never used the weed; not for the reason
that I had a conscience in the matter,
but because the Lord gave me a nose
like a hound's, and better, too, I dare
say, for I doubt if a hound knows the
sweetness of things, or can take pleasure
from the scent thai goes into his nos
trils. But He has been marciful to man
as it was proper He should be and
gave him the power to know good and
evil in the air; and smellin' has always
boen ono of my gifts, and I couldn't
make you understand, I dare say, the
pleasure I have had in the right exer
oiso of it. For you know that natur' is
no more bright to the eye than it is
sweet to the noso; and I have never
found a root or shrub or leaf that hadu't
its own scent. Even the dry moss on
the rocks, dead and juiceless as it seems,
has a smell to it, and as for the arth I
love to put my nose into a fresh sile, as
a city woman loves the nozzle of her
smellin' bottle. Many and many a
timo when alone here in the woods have
I taken my boat and gone up into the
inlet where the wild roses was in blos
som, or down into some bay where the
white lily enps was all open, and sot in
my boat and smelt them by the hour,
and wondered if heaven smelt so. Yes,
I have been sartnly gifted in my nose,
for I have always noted that 1 smelt
things that the men and women I was
cuidin' didn't, and found things in the
air that they never suspicioned of, and I
feared that smokin' might take away my
gift, aud that if I got the strong smell
of tobacco in my noso once I should
never scent any other smell that was
lesser and finer than it. So I have never
used the weed, beiu' sort of natorally
afeered of it; but what is medicine for
one man may be pizen for another, as I
have noted m animus, for the bark that
fattens the behver will kill the rat; and
so you must take no offense at what I
have said, but smoke as much as you
feel moved to, and I will scent the edges
of the smell as it comes over my side of
tue lire, and so we 11 sort of jine works
as they say in the settlements you do
the smokin' aud I will do the smellin',
and I think I've got the lightest end of
the stick at that." And the old man
laughed in every line of his time wrin
kled face at the smartness of his saying.
Eating and Dyspepsia.
It is au old German adage that " More
people i-ig their own graves with their
teeth I .an with spades, and verily it
would seem so, if we look at the im
mense number of dyspeptic, rheumatic
and gouty individuals, creeping through
lite in pain and wretchedness, xet it is
next to impossible to induce even think
ing people to control their appetites and
to eat such things and at suoh times as
nature shows them are necessary and
right. Dr. Hall declares unhesitatingly
that it is wrong to eat without an ap
petite, for it shows there is no gastrio
juice iu the stomach, and that nature
loes not need food, and, not needing it,
there being no fluid to act upon it, it
remains there only to putrify, the very
thought of which should be sufficient to
deter any man from eating without an
nppetite the remainder of his life. If a
tonic is taken to whet the appetite, it is
a mistaken course, for its only result is
to cause one to eat more, when already
r.n amount has been eaten beyond what
the gastrio juice is able to prepare. The
object to be obtained is a large supply
of gastrio juice ; whatever fails to accom
plish that essential object fails to have
any efficacy toward tho cure of dyspep
tic diseases. Tho formation of gastrio
juice is directly proportioned to the wear
and tear of the system, which it is to bo
the means of supplying, and this wear
and tear can only take place as the re
sult of exercise. The efficient remedy
for dyspeptics is work outdoor work
beneficial and successful- in direct pro
portion as it is agreeable, interesting
and profitable.
A Disappointed Wife,
A downcast looking woman, about
forty years old, called at a lawyer's
offioe in Detroit and asked the attorney
it he could see to a little business for
her. He replied that ho could, and she
explained.
"My husband went to the Blaok
Hills over four months ago."
"Yes, I see. That is desertion, and
Rood grounds for divorce," be replied,
"I don't want no divoroe, sir. What
I want is for him to send me some
money."
And he won't!"
Well, he hasn't sent any yet,
And what can I do ?" asked the law
yer.
Put a lawsuit ou him and scare him
into it." she answered.
He gloomily replied that the court'
had no jurisdiction iu such a case, and
that ho conld do nothing.
" Why, if I was a lawyer, I could put
a suit on him in un hour l know
could I" she protested,
lie shook his head.
" Well, all ridht." the said, as che
row to go. "I thought lawyers had
somo get up to 'em, and I always held
my breath when one passed the bouse,
but this thing has opened my eyes,
You don't kuow any more than I do, sir,
and i don't know anything I Uood-day
sirr - . .
Oh, Fortune.
Oh, fortune, thoa who doft deceive
The greatest of this world of onre,
Thou who dost p'ace unrrt meat might
Near an abyrr, all veiled with flowers.
These marr of the sword and crown,
Fate rears them up or casts them down,
Each bears a tempeit in bis (onl ;
And counties levolutions beut
in daiker sargos at their feet,
Than o'er the Euxlno waters roll.
Their tortnrcd slnmber bnt prolong
Their fury or their agonr.
E'en in their dreams by turns thoy foar
Or glory in our misery.
Their pow r that fills ns with diamay,
A crime upreared it yesterclar,
A crime will hnrl it down to-morrow.
Jmtloe purity are fled,
And we behold reign in their stead,
Rod-handed war and carking sorrow.
And often, without sound or strife,
The loftiest throne falls puddouly
By Its own weight thus dragged to ruin.
Oh, woeful grandeur ! Happier he.
Content to dwell where no storm rnves,
His sails to joyous zephyrs giv'n ;
Who, heark'ning to the myBtio waves,
Floats on the ocean's mcvii-g bine
Benoath th' unmoving bine of heav'n.
Items of Intel est.
The dry season ia known as the um
brella's holiday.
The clam is blessed with sands of life
that never run out.
Except on the score of eoonomy thero
is no reason why circumstances shoulel
alter burial cases.
"What is that man yelling at ?" asked
a man of his boy. " He's he's yelling
at the top of .his voice 1"
Offending boys in London sre sen
tenced by the magiotrates to be whipped;
but the parents aro usually made the ex
ecutioners. Six prisoners set fir 3 to and burned
the Richmond (Texas) jail a few dnya
ago. They were all nearly suffocated
wheu taken out.
" What," said Bonaparte to Las Caeap,
"is more overheating than weakness
which feels itself protected by strength ?
Look at women, lor example."
A Watertown, (Conn.) merchant has
received twenty-five cents, that havo
been due him for twenty-five years, from
a conscience stricken debtor.
An army officer on the plains fays the
Sioux have this new motto: "White
man big smart ; he furnh-h brains. Bed
man heap brave ; he knock 'em out."
A railway porter at Hay worth Heath,
England, committed suicide during a fit
cf delirium tremens, by swallowing
nearly the whole of an eight-page news
paper. It choked him.
A rich man in Araheim, Cal., threat
ened to have a poor man ejected from a
house because the rent was not paid;
and tho poor man's mode of vengeance
was to get into the rich man's hallway
and die there cf smallpox.
As the trial of a breach, cf promise
suit was about to begin in San 1 rauos
co, a juror arose and asked to be ex
cused because he was engaged to bo
married, ajd consequently his mind was
not free from bias. He was excused.
Dr. C. B. Faber, in the Practitioner,
argues against the use of drugs iu sea
sickness. They prolong the attack, aud
he would only advise opiates when vomi
ting is continued to an alarming extent.
Several hours a day on deck is what ho
advises.
A man in Paris, wishing lately to pace
joke upon his wifo, hired a coffin and
placed himself in it at the moment of
her retnrn alter a lew day s absence, vn
seeing the supposed corpse, she fell
senseless to the ground and has since
beeu a lunatic.
The wool clip of the United States in
1875 was nearly two hundred million
pounds, whereas in I860 it was only sixty-five
millions. In 1875 the country
bought about fifty million dollars' worth
of woolen goods, and eleven millions'
worth of wool.
A fellow in England who defended
himself against a charge of chicken
teahng by declaring that tne iowi
umped upon him, and he was afraid it
would kill him, and therefore wrung its
neck m self-defense, evidently ueneveu
thut a poor excuse is be tter than none.
The New Orleans Picayune, in trying
its hand at description, says: ihe
modern city schoolgirl goes along with
a big tilter, a bustle, striped hose,
humpbacked, carrying thirty-one differ
ent books, three slates, four copybooks,
bottle of ink, pocket mil oi pencus ana
pens, 87 worth of p nohback jewelry, a
mouthful of chewing gum and thirteen
red streamers dangling after her.
The inefepenefen says: A late English
traveler found a simple minded Baptitt
mission church in far-off Uurmah using
for the communion service, and we
doubt not with God's blessing, Bass'
pale ale instead of wine. The opening
of the frothing bottle on the communion
table seemed not quite decorous 10 tne
visitor, who presentetl the pastor with a
half dozen bottles of claret for sacramen
tal use.
Sheen dogs iu Texas are thus trained:
A pup is taken from its mother before
its eyes are opened, and put to a ewe to
suckle. After a few times the ewe be
comes reconciled to the pup, which fol
lows her like a lamb, grows up among
and remains with the flock, and no wolf,
man, or strange dog can come near the
sheep; and the dog will bring the nock
regularly to the fold at any hour in the
evening at which he is habitually fed.
A Scotch couple who had beeu but a
few months married, recently took advan
tage of the railway to Edinburg to see
the ceremonies at the laying oi a louncia
tion stone. The young wife proposed
staying a few days with her friends it.
Edinburg, but it was necessary that hei
husband should proceed homeward Dy
the boat. To try the strength of hi,
helpmate's affection, be remarked that he
" doubtit the boat would be sae heavy
laden that a wad gang to the bottom.
"Dan ye think sae t" responded hi affec
tionate partner. Then, John Ander
son, ye had better leave the key o' the
house wi me, "