'
HENRY A. PA1SONS, Jr., . Editor and Publisher.
NIX. DESPERANDUM,
Two Dollars per Annum.
, i
VOL. VI.
HIDGWAY, ELK COUNTY, PA., THURSDAY, APRIL 13, 1876.
NO. 8.
How Could 1 1
Ho carried my sachpl to school.
And rue through the drift carrlrd, too i
Could I think wby he hugged me bo closely t
If 1 couldn't, how could I ? could jou f
At eve he tied tinder my chin
My l.oo.l, with its ribbons to blue :
Wby be gazed in my face could I tell t
If I couldn't, how could I? could you?
He told me my eyes were quite black,
And the brightest of any he knew t
I blushed and looked down could I help
If I oouldn't, how could I? could you?
He left on my cbeak a warm kips,
Then off with the lightning speed flew j
If I oould I'd have soolded bim soundly ;
If I oouldn't, how oould I ? oould you ?
Twas long years ago, and since then
Ho has spoken words loving and true ;
And now I lean cloee, as his wife,
l'o his breast. Can I help it ? could you ?
MY CHOICE.
"Yon see, film. Chappell, when an
elderly woman's memory goes into the
dreamland of her courtship and honey
moon she does not like the jolting jour
noy back to common life. So when you
loft me thinking of Oliver Marbury as
he appeared in his short waisted, tight
fitting, claret colored coat, his white
satin stock and waistcoat, pale stone
colored trousers, and patent leather
boots, and myself in my pretty white
sntin drawn bonnet and blonde fall, my
white bookruuslin dress and satin sash,
my small white Paisley-bordered Nor
wich shawl and sauduled slippers, I
was fo full of that happy marringe morn
in our old church at S., and the dinner
afterwards, when my father astonished
Amos and Leah by giving me the thou- j
sand pounds, that I did not care to j
shut out the picture, and took myself off
instead."
"Th"U did your marriage turn out so
badly?" questioned Mrs. Cheppell, with
one eye on the shop door the while.
"Bully! It was in unfortunate day
when David Beech allowed himself to be
taken over, and let his pet daughter be
come Mary Marbury. Better ten thou
sand times have remained Mary Beech
to the end of my days 1"
' Yet as I went with Oliver inside the
hired chaise to the new home I had not
yt:t seen, and his arm hold me close to
him all the way, and he stepped now and
then to whisper, My wife,' and tell
me how much he loved me, and how
Lappy we should be, I thought that one
word 'wife' comprehended all that was
ecstatioand sublime, and tho vista of
the future held not a cloud.
' At first he drove me about heie and
there, and one or two of his father's very
old friends called upon me but Lis
own acquaintances wero most1 men in
Newmarket coats like his own, who
talked slang, smoked incessantly, stared
at me, or mado freer than I liked; aud
who walked in and out of the house,
ordered the servants, drank beer and
brandy, went aud stayed with a freedom
very foreign to my notions, and alto
gether upset my theories of the privacy
of domestic life.
"There was one, a Captain Thornton,
I especially disliked, and I told Oliver
so. 'He will ruin you if you continue
to associate with him,' I said.
" Oliver laughed, patted my cheek,
and replied, knowingly : 'My dear, he
might if I were not too deep for Idea.
I mean to mako a fortune out of the cap
tain before long.'
" I had heard from my father that
Oliver's property was not large, and, lit
tle asj know of f uch matters, I could
tell my XI, 000 would not go far to sup
pott such a mode of life. But he only
laughed when I said captains and coun
try squires wero not associates for him.
Never yon mind, Mary ; I know what
I'm about.' Aud then he grew angry
when I spoke on tho subject, so I de
sisted. "Frequently ho was away for a week
or two together, aud then tho whole
tribe went with him not that at other
times we always had the house full ; but
it was seldom quite empty. We rarely
had a quiet evening to ourselves. He
ws away when my baby was born, and
I was partly glad of it for the house was
quiet.
" Oliver had insisted upon a christen
ing feast, and gave his orders as if
Potosi had been at his command.
' Han g the cost ! What do I care 1 '
was his reply to my wish to keep ex
penditure within bounds.
" Of course there were friends of his
own invited, and of course there was
heavy drinking ; and whilst father,
Leah, Mrs. Matthows and I sat togother
in the drawing-room, listening to the
March winds blustering without, a noise
of voices in loud contention came from
the dining-room across the hall.
" Liar !' Cheat !' Sharper '
'Vagabond!' were among the epithets
which Rmote our ears. Then there was
a senfflo. Wo met the servants in the
hall also hurrying to ascertain what was
the matter, and as we opened the dining
rooni door we saw Captain Thornton
with his hands on Oliver's throat. I
shrieked. Sam, our man servant, darted
in, aud helped to separate them draw
ing his master away toward the door.
" The faces of both men worked with
passion ; Oliver shook himself free,
snatched a decanter from the dining
table, and hurled it across at his antago
nist with full force. Instinctively the
captain put up his arm to guard his
face. The decanter smashed upon his
hand, gashing it frightfully.
" I believe there was a cry for a doc
tor, but not for me, though I had faint
ed and been carried back to tho drawing
room sofa insensible.
" Captain Thornton's life was in peril
from the hemorrhage. His wrist was
bound tightly before a surgeon came to
extract the glass and sew up the wound;
but for all that he was for a long time
in danger of lockjaw. When be did re
cover the muscles of his right hand
were so contracted that he oould no
longer shuttle cards, ride at hunt or
steeple-chase, handle a billiard cue, or
fire a gun; and he vowed vengeance
against the man who had made life a
burden to him.
" Oliver laughed s was his wont; but
evil seemed to IjiuuT us from that hour
not as a consequence of that one act,
but of much foregone, of which 1 knew
nothing.
"My father beokoned me into the li
brary before heand Leah returned home,
and shut the door.
"'Mary,' said ho, gravely, 'had I
known thy Oliver was such a wastrel I'd
have chopped my hand off afore I'd ha'
given thee to him. I'm afraid thou'lt
rue afore long. Such riot and extrava
gance as I saw last night cannot last.
And when his own brass is melted he'll
want thy 1,000.'
" Never shall I forget his look of con
sternation as I told him I had given the
money over to Oliver before we left home
on our wedding day.
"Then, ten to one, it's thy money
he's squandering I' he cried, iu as much
of a temper as I ever raw him; but he
softened rt my tears, and added: 'It's
my fault, Mary; I ought to have tied it
down on inee. Never mind, lass, if th'
worst comes to the worst, there's a home
for tbr 3 and thy little Launcelot whilst
I've a tc3t to cover me.'
" Ti.-e e?d did not come quite so soon
as fr ther pi3d?cted, but it came quite
soon enough. Bills came pouring in ns
soon as the rupture between Oliver and
Captain Thornton got wind, aud I had
to soften my husband's ' Hang it, let
them wait, as best I could, to importu
nate duns J who had never known
what debtor and creditor meant beyond
a ' bill of parcels ' at school. Then
credit was stopped, and Oliver swore
over every sovereign he gavo to me.
Sometimes, after a brief absence, he
came back with rolli of notes, but he
would disappear again, and they would
disappear too. And as his embarrass
ments increased he drank still more
heavily and his temper grew so irritable
no one knew how to deal with h''u.
"In op "ttle Launcelot, whose win
ning wr.vs eguiled many a dreary hour,
and iu ne books in our cozy library, I
tried io smother the sense of impending
misfo.uue.
" One servant had already gone. Tho
old housekeeper I myself dismissed,
knowing my inability to pay her. And
now I felt the value of Leah's sharp
training, for I had to do the work of the
house, cook, and nurse my baby into the
bargain; and woe betide me if broil or
roast or ragout were not to my hus
band's liking.
" do rode off one morning with a va
lise strapped before him, kissing Laun
celot and me before ho went, and I did
not see him again tor years. B?fore tho
day was out sheriff's officers were in the
house, aud but for kind Mrs. Matthews
neither baby nor myself would have
had so much as a change of raiment
left.
" She took me home with her, a poor,
dazed, stunned creature, who had not
reached her twenty-second birthday.
Consoling Launcelot, she hushed him
to rest, and then dispatched a missive to
my father.
" A couple of days elapsed, during
which my heart sauk to its lowest ebb.
Then he came. Back to my childhood's
home I went with a very heavy heart,
and not all my dear father's heartiness
could prevent mo from feoliug myself
and child intruders.
"Soon after he sent me down to Mos
ford to my brother-in-law to learn con
fectionery, then stocked a shop and fur
nished a house for me in one of the old
rows of Chester, to the great indignation
of the others.
"'It's best you try to get a living for
Launce and yourself, my girl,' said my
good father; 'and though I'd rather
have you near me, it's wisest to remove
you beyond the reach of envious eyes,
and wh'Te that wastrel husband of
yours will not think of looking for you. '
"At first I was very awkward in my
new position. City and people were
alike strange; but that perhaps helped
to set me at ease behiud my counter.
"Bright, hazel eyed, five-year-old
Launcelot was the star of my night. He
was more like his grandfather Beech
than his own father, of whom he had no
remembrance; a black paper profile
fouud at my father's being my onlylik
noss of absent Oliver.
"Often and often as I stood behind
my counter I wondered if ever chance
would bring him in there among tho
stream of customers; aud yet I think I
generally looked upon him as dead; no
word or sign having reached me of his
existence.
" It was May. Matty aud I wore busy
as bees from morning nntil night.
Launce went to school. The second
race day, a party of ladies and gentle
men came into the shop, talking and
laughing as they came. One of them was
Oliver Marbury I
"I screamed and fainted. When I
came to myself bo was gone. After
nightfall he came again and abused me
for making a scene and compromising
him with his 'friends.' Bat rinding me
in comfortable circumstances he took up
his abode with me, professed to have ex
hausted his means in trying to discover
us, and was lavish of caresses both to
Launcelot and myself.
" I had never ceaf ed to love him, and
I hailed the prodigal's return. Yet, as
of old, he came and went, and ere long
begun to draiu my resources. He took
from my pocket and from my till the
money with which I should have pre
served my credit, and gambled it away.
The climax came when my little Mary
was about four months old.
"My stock got low; I had no money
to give him. Half drunk, he brought a
broker on to the premises, sold to him
stock, fixtures and furniture, regardless
of my tears and entreaties; and, whilst
the goods were being hurried away, put
the proceeds in his pocket, and, carpet
bag in hand, tamed on his heel, coarsely
telling me old David Beech would make
a home for me and the squatters. The
children were both crying. At this
Launcelot raised his little fist and struck
at his unnatural father.
"Like a savage he turned upon the
child, to strike at him. On the impulse
of the moment I interposed, and the
blow meant for Launcelot came down on
myself aud the baby in my arms. I
dropped, and little Mary never cried
again.
"They tell me I was frantio for
months. At all events, I was spared the
Eain of giving evidenoe against my own
usband. Matty and the broker's men
suffioed.
"We had fallen against a piece of
furniture in the way, and there was a
suggestion that the babe had bwn killed
in the fall. The charge of murder had
been abandoned, but Oliver was foun 1
guilty of manslaughter, and condemned
to seven years' transportation,
"I tried to shut my eyes on the
future to hope we might remain undis
turbed, and to train my boy to hotter
things. Meanwhile my fatucr died. He
had secured a shop for me, and left me
a small annuity, to-be paid quarterly.
"Eight years passed away. Launce
lot, my pride and joy, was fifteen a
frank, good natures, and high-spirited
youth, whose mother was all in all to
him.
"Suddenly the avalanche camo down
upon ns. A fierce, dark, scowling
reprobate came in at our door, and
claimed as my husband a right to share
my means. My heart sunk. This was
.not tbe man I had sworn to love and
obey.
,"I was powerless to resist, and he
stayed. Goaded by the thought that
whilst he had been in captivity we had
prospered, he tortured me in every way
he could devise, and Launcelot became
my champion. Then he made the boy
his butt to wound me surest.
" At last Launcelot, seeing only shame
and disgrace before him, conceiving
that he was only a cause of outrage on
me, as many a good son has done before,
ran off to sea, and I was left to cope
with Oliver Marbury alone. "
" One night shall I ever forget it
a man clambered over the outhousing in
at my chamber window. It was he,
haggard, footsore, bloody. He had
wounded a man and sought conceal
ment. He threatened to kill me if I
spoke a word. What money I had he
took, ate greedily some bread and
cheese, changed his clothes, and then
fled as he came.
" Men were on the watch and he was
taken. His blood-stained clothes were
found in my room, where I sat white
with terror.
" I was told that, in an affray with
poachers on his premises, Captain
Thornton aud a keeper had been killed,
and I was questioned until my very
brain begun to reel.
" I thought I should be called upon
to give evidence against him. I had
loved him once. He was the father of
my children. To avoid such a contin
gency I fled, whither I neither knew
nor cared.
"I had no money never thought of
it. I went along lanes, through fields,
avoiding the highroads, excitement keep
ing mo up, though I had no food. Tho
first night I took shelter in a barn, stealing
off like a culprit at daybreak. I must
have looked hungry, for a lad swinging
on a gate, with a great hunch of bread
in his hand, broke it in two and offered
half to me.
" That night I dropped on a stone by
the wayside and fell asleep. I was
roused by some one calling to me. A
gentleman in a gig otlered me a seat if
I was going his way. The moon shono
full on his face and in my surprise I
ejaculated : Mr. Smithson !' My father
had dealt with him for years. My
troubles were not unknown to him. I
told him all. He took mo home to
Redditch, to his wife ; and there I re
mained.
"My husband's sentence was now for
life. There was no fear of his breaking
iu upon me, they said ; but, ah I thought
aud memory did that.
" Mr. sruilhson would have me chango
my name, but I dared not destroy the
only clue by which Jjaunco might serk
his mother. From time to time I hoard
of him through Mrs. Matthews. Once
L wett to meet him in Liverpool only
once. 1 expected bun home from Call'
forma last Christmas.
" When I went home from tho shop,
Mrs. Chappell, last November, I bought
a newspaper to read over mv tea. 1
read that the .Kosicruoian had foundered
off Cape Verde, and ail hands gone
down with her. It was my son's ship t
"Mrs. Chappell, my last hope went
down in the iiosicrucian. It matters
nothing now who knows my story, or
who does not."
A West Point Story.
Gen. George A. Custer, in his "War
Memories," says that he spent sixty-Fix
of the usual holiday Saturdays during
his four years at West Point on extra
guard duty for breaking the strict rules
of the Institution. He was officer of the
guard on one of these days, and " had
begun my tour at the usual hour in the
morning, and everything passed off sat
isfactorily in connection with the dis
charge of my new responsibilities, until
just at dusk I heard a commotion near
the guard tents. Upon hastening to the
scene of the disturbance, which by the
way was at a considerable distance from
the main camp, I found two cadets en
gaged in a personal dispute, which
threatened to result in blows. Quite a
group of cadets, as friends and specta
tors, had formed about the two bellicose
disputants. I had hardly time to take
in the situation when the two principals
of the group engaged in a reguhv set-to,
and bdguu belaboring each other vigor
ously with their fists. Some of their
more prudent friends rushed forward
and attempted to separate the two con
testants. My duty as officer of the guard
was plain and simple. I should havo
arrested the two combatants and soli
them to the guar J tents for violating
the peace and the regulations of tho
academy. But the instincts of the bey
prevailed over the obligation of the
officer of the guard. I pushed my way
through the surrounding line of cadets,
dashed back those who were interfering
in the struggle, and called out loudly :
'Stand back, boys; let's have a fair
fight.'"
No Use In Going.
"I'm going to stop attending our
church," peevishly exclaimed a vinegar
faced spinster, not a thousand miles
from Chicago, the other day. " Why,
what has happened I" anxiously inquir
ed a friend. " Taere ain't nothing hap
pened, and that's just what's the mat
ter," continued the spinster through her
nose; " here I've been a regular attend
ant for more'n two years, and there
hasn't been no gossip, no scandal, nor
nothing to talk about in all that time,
and I can't see the use of going any
longer I" And she squared herself down
in the chair with the look of a martyr.
Questions and Answers.
Is there any rule for the weight of
green pine timlwr 1 ' What is the dif
ference iu weight between green timber
and dry timbor? Answer. It would be
impossible to answer these questions
very exictly, without experimenting in
each special case. ; Dry white pine
weighs about twenty-five pounds per
cubio foot, and green pine from thirty
to thirty-seven.
A church is being heated by a hot air
furnace, but there Is a fault in the ven
tilation, which is effected by one large
pane in each window hanging on a
swivel. When the church cools, there
is a cold damp air, and the furuaoe draws
cold air from the inside of the church.
Answer. The supply of fresh air to the
furnace should be taken from the ex
terior of the building, by means of an
inclosed shaft, whioh may be construct
ed of matched boards for the most part,
being of brick near the furnace. Place
a valve, or shutter on pivots, within the
shaft, to close it when required. Ad
ditional opemngs for ventilations should
be provided at the ceiling.
What is the matter with our stove ?
When the damper was closed, the draft
went around undet, the bottom uf the
stove ; when the draft is all closed, the
smoke or something else will condense
into liquid and run throngh the chim
ney, through the upper noors, and into
the room below. Answer. This may be
owing to some peonliar kind of fuel you
are burning, which you do not specify.
When the draft is closed the flue soou
becomes cold, and the air carrying the
smoke precipitates its latent moisture
upon the sides of the flue ; the moisture
naturally carries the particles or un burnt
fuel with it. If this is the cause, a
moro free draft would abate the diffi
culty. . I
I have some liquid which is neither
good old hard cider, for it has a vinous
taste, nor yet is (rood vinegar. How can
I convert it into good marketable vine
ear ? Answer. Prepare a larce barrel.
with a false bottom having a number of
holes bored through it. Place this in
the barrel about six inches above th'
real bottom, and fill in above the false
bottom to the top of the barrel with
good, well burnt .(charcoal, in coarse
powder. Moisten the charcoal thor
oughly with some of the cider, cover the
barrel with a piece of felt or woolen
goods, and allow to remain until there
is a perceptible rise in the temperature;
then add tho cider u such a manner as
to keep up a constant percolation of
the fluid thro'igh the charcoal until the
process is complete.. The vinegar may
be drawn off from a spigot at the bot
torn. Scientific American.
Lady Washington Dresses.
For fairs and parties this centennial
year Lady Washington dresses and cos
tumes will be in demand. The Bazar
tells us something about them that will
be interesting to lady readers: Instead
of making the dress to be laced in front,
costumers use a pointed waist, with half-
high square neck, and lace it behind,
Two materials appear in such dresses,
viz. : brocade or striped silk for the court
train, and plain silk or satin for the pet
ticoat. . The brocade or material of the
train forms all the waist exoept a vest
like plastron in front, which is of the
plain silk. This plastron is five or six
inches broad at the top, descends sharp
to a point, and, to be in keeping, should
bo wadded lightly, and quilted in small
diamonds to match the petticoat. A bow
of velvet is at the end of the point, and
lace garniture, beginning under this
bow, passes up each side of tho plastron
and trims the square neck. The sleeves,
of tho brocaded silk, are straight, plain,
and made to reach to the elbow, where
they are mushed with full ruffles of lace.
Instead of a separate petticoat, cos
tumers merely quilt a wide front breadth
of the plain satin or silk, and simulate
a court train by making back breadths
of a trained brocaded skirt, and sewing
them straight up the sides of the quilted
tablier.
Notwithstanding few flounces and
laces are seen on the dresses of revolu
tionary times, costumers to-day add a
deep flounce of silk or lace around the
train, and pass it up the sides to the
waist, graduating it to a narrow ruffle at
the top. Ladies who do not wish to ex
pose their necks and shoulders use the
snowy kerchief, a square of fheer white
lawn organdy is best doubled like a
three-cornered shawl, folded to cover the
neck, and tbe ends tucked in the square
corsage. The muslin cap, with its full
bag crown and plaited frill, is worn just
baok of the Pompadour roll of powdered
hair. Long white kid gloves are but
toned to the elbow. Another has a crim
son petticoa. with pearl-gray brocaded
train, trimmed with black lace flounces.
Another has orange colored quilted satin
for the front, with a dress of antiquated
chene silk.
A more youthful Lady Washington
dress has a Watteau polonaise, with
trained back, very short apron front,
square neck, and elbow sleeves. This
is made up of white satin, to bo worn
over any blue or rose silk or velvet
skirts the wearer may choose. It is
trimmed with pearls. The coiffure,
without powder, should be strings of
pearls looped in the baok hair; the front
hair should be drawn plainly back from
the face.
Going: Too Far. A doctor's colleo
tor after making a score or more of calls
on a debtor, gave expression to the opin
ion the other day that the debtor didn't
want to and didn t mean to pay. " See
here, mister," replied the debtor, in an
angry voioe, "I've used you like a gen
tleman. 1 ve let you come and go when
ever you wanted to, and I've tried to talk
enoouragingiy. in return you now
doubt my honesty. Be a little careful,
young man I When you attack my
character you attack my life !" The bill
hasn't been paid yet.
A Fable. As a coroner was entering
a saloon to see a man, ne beheld a care
less boy, who was eating a banana, cast
the rind of tbe fruit upon the slippery
stone sidewalk, but instead of chiding
the urchin smiled and passed on. As he
was coming out of the saloon, having
satisfied his thirst, he slipped on the
peel of the banana, and falling, broke
his neck ; so that a rival coroner made
the fees from the inquest. Moral It ia
strange to see the coroner hoist with bis
own petard.
Hints Abont the Fashions.
Cashmere lace Is used for ruohings
with barbs to match.'
Black silk fringes are used with grena
dines for mourning.
Checked and brocaded goods are the
most fashionable.
Calbriggan stockings embroidered in
colors are very pretty.
Turbans are among the spring shapes
of hats for young girls.
JJran damasse and brocaded grena
dines make elegant costumes.
Hiding habits admit no trim mingsex-
cept braid and buttons.
The spring hats and bonnets are bound
with a heavy silk braid.
Colored linen shirts for gentlemen
will be worn this summer.
Crepe de chene ties with Duchesse
lace ends are very handsome.
Jjinen buttons are preferred to stuas
for gentlemen's dress shirts.
Bullion braids with threads of silver
or gold are used for trimmings.
Crape and black crepe lisse are com
bined in making morning bows.
The vigogne cloth plaids are very
pretty for kilt plaited suits for children.
Duchesse lace barbs are very elegant,
and only suitable to wear with silks.
Jet, relieved with gold and pearis, is
fashionable for second mourning.
A pretty tie has a center of black cash
mere net, with ends of Ouohese lace.
Holbein work is the latest fanoy occu
pation for the busy moments of idle
women.
Sailor straw hats willte fashionable
for girls and boys from two to eleven
years old.
Short doubled-breaBted coats or
jackets are among the spring coats for
gentlemen.
Pretty opera or evening shawls are
woven of soft white wool with colored
silk stripes.
The Centennial kerchief is three
cornered and made of laoe any kind
that is preferred. .
Tbe fashionable gloves for gentlemen
are stitched in color on the back of tke
gloves.
Cachmere faconne is a new silken
dress fabric woven in serge effect and
brocaded flowers.
" Fruit of the loom " and " Pride of
the West " are excellent muslins for
ladies' underclothing. '
Handkerchiefs with white batiste cen
ter and yellow batiste embroidered edge
are quite pretty.
The new linen lawns are of a light
shade of one color, flowered by a darker
shade of the same.
White flannel, trimmed with cherry-
pink or blue colored tilk, is extremely
pretty lor wrappers.
Shoes with the black kid cut out in
different patterns, and white kid insert
ed, are much in vogue.
Shoes with sandal straps are worn over
bright colored stockings for house and
evening domi-toilets.
A Fearful Summons. .
" Mr. Smith, I called to see if I could
take your life."
" Wh wh what d you say ? ex
claimed Smith, in some alarm.
" I say that I've come around to take
your life. My name is Gunn. As soon
as I heard you were unprotected, that
you had nothing on your life, I thought
I would just run in and settle the thing
for yuu at once.
Then Smith got up aud went to the
other side of the table, and said to him
self :
" It's a lunatio who has broken out of
the asylum. He'll kill me if I halloo or
run. I must humor him.
Then Gunn, fumbling in his pocket
after his mortality tables, followed
Smith around the room and said to
him :
" You can choose your own plan, you
know, u s immaterial to me. Home
like one way, and some like another.
It's a matter of taste. Which one do
you prefer?"
"i d rather not die at an, nmitn said,
in despair.
" But you ve got to die, of course
said Gunn; "that's a thing there's no
choice about. All I can do is to make
death easy for you; to make you feel
happy as yon go on. Mow which plan
win you taker
" Uouldn t you postpone it until to
morrow, so as to give me time to
think?"
"No; I prefer to take you on the
spot. I might as well do it now as at
any other timo. Yon have a wife and
children I"
" Yes, and I think you ought to have
some consideration for them and let me
off."
" Well, that's a carious kind of an ar
gument," said Gunn. "When I take
you your family will be perfeotly pro
tec ted, of course, and not otherwise."
" But why do you want to murder
me? I"
" Murder you ! Murder you ! Who
in the thunder's talking about murder
ing you V
" Why, didn t you say ,
"I called to get you to take out a life
iusurance policy in our company, aud
" Oh, you did, did you ?" said Smith,
suddenly becoming fierce. "Well, I
ain't a-going to do it, and I want you to
skip out of this office or I'll brain you
with the poker."
Then Mr. Gunn withdrew without
selling a policy, and Smith is still unin
sured. A Japanese Funeral.
A marine on the Japanese frigate
Tsukubu, at San Francisco, died re
cently, and was buried according to
Japanese rites. The remains, in a coffin
shaped box, two and one-half feet high,
covered with tne Japanese nag, were
brought ashore in the steam launch, es.
oorted by four officers and sixteen
marines. The coffin was placed in a
hearse and conveyed to the cemetery,
tbe escort following. A double line was
formed, throng n which the coma was
carried to the grave. The remains were
lowered into the grave so that the body
faces toward the east. Alter the firing
of three rounds by the marines, the
grave was closed, a short address was de
livered by one of the officers, and then
the marines formed the sand over the
arrave into a shape resembling the aoffin.
This oonoluded the ceremonies, and the
marines returned to their ship.
Wanted to be an Editor.
Have von had any experience In the
business ?" we asked of a verdant look
ing youth who applied for an editorial
position the other day.
"Haven't I though?" he replied, as
he shoved one foot under his chair to
hide the unskillful patching of a back
woods cobbler. " I should say I'd had
some experience haven't I correspond
ed with the Pumpkinville Screamer for
six weeks ? Hain't that experience
enough ?"
" That will do very well," we replied,
but when we take young men on our
editorial staff, we generally put them
through an examination. How much
are twelve times one ?"
Twelve I why any little boy ought
to an "
" Hold on, please don't be so fast
who discovered America ?"
" Elumbus 1 Pshaw, them questions
are just as easy as "
" Who was tho nrst man f
" Adam 1 why, mister, I know all "
" What was his other name?"
" His other name ? why he didn't
have none."
' Yes, he did. You see that's where
we ve got you. Mis other name was
Ebenezer--Ebenzer Adam, Esq., late
of Paradise. Nobody knows this but
editors, and see to it that you don't tell
anybody."
He said be wouldn t.
" How many bones are there in tho
human body ?"
" Well, I forget now, but 1 did know
wunst."
"What! Don't von know that ? Whv
there's 7,482,921,444bones in an ordinary
man. A man that snores has ono more
than other people. "
" What bone is that V
" The trombone. It is situated some
where in the nose. You won't forget
that, will you?"
He said he wouldn t.
"How long would it take a mud turtle
to cross the desert of Sahara with a
small orphan boy to touch him up behind
with a red-hot poker ?"
" Well, look here, mister, if I had a
slate and pencil I oould figger that out,
but dog my skin if I'm much on mental
lllUiilCUUi
" Slate and pencil I Did you ever see
i slate and pencil about a sanctum ?
Well, we'll let that question slip. Have
you got a good constitution ?"
.rutty tolerable.
" How long do you suppose you
could live on raw corn and faith, aud
do the work of a domesticated ele
phant ?"
"lx)rdl 1 don t believe x could live
mor'n a week."
" Well, that's about as long as you d
want to live if you got an editorial posi
tion on this paper, xou appear to be
pretty well posted; we shall ask you
one more question, and if you prove
equal to it you can take off your coat
and sail in.
" Let's have er, squire. I didn t
correspond with the Pumpkinville
Screamer six weeks lor notmn . Jjet
'er come I'm on deck, I am."
" Well. sir. if two diametrical circles
with octagonal peripheries should col
lido with a centrifugal idiosyncrasy, or,
to put it plainer, we'll say a disenfran
chised nonenity, what effect would the
castastrophe exert on a crystalized co 1-
lish suspended by the tail irom the
homogeneous rafters of the empyrean?"
As the full force of this ponderous
problem broke upon his bewildered
brain, he slowlv dragged his inartisti-
callv cobbled Bhoe from under his chair,
and started from the room. We heard
him descend the stairs, go out, and close
tho door. We then placidly resumed
our duties, regretting tint so promising
a youth should have been weighed in
the balance and found wanting. frame-
tin Patriot.
Disinfecting a Battlefield.
Here is a horrible description of how
the stage has to be cleared after the cur
tain has fallen upon one of the acts of
that vast tragedy called " War." It was
a hideous and terrible drama, that disin
fecting of the battlefield of Sedan, and
one that might furnish the fearful text
of a chapter entitled " The Sorrows of
Glorv." A Belsrian physician, Dr,
Guillery, has recounted the principal
facts in a report published at Brussels,
Historians never show anything but the
radiance of the battle. The realism of
these works displays its hideousness and
its corruption. Xou dream or glory.
Look, and behold a charnelhouse I
Seven months after the first of Sep
tember, 1870, the stench was so great
aronnd the battlefield that the publio
health was in danger. Belgium became
alarmed. Prince Orion: wrote to ju.
Beraroi that in the eighteenth century.
in a war of the Turks against the
Persians, swarms of insects, nourished
on decayed flesh, brought a frightful
epidemio into Russian provinces a hun
dred times further from the battlefields
than Brussels is from Sedan. It was
necessary to hurry, for the peasants had
buried many bodies, both of men and
horses, in summary fashion. The ex
halations were horrible. People took
m their hands a little vellow snow.
charged with bubbles of gas, and when
it melted it din used an odor of corpses,
Then, in March, 1871, men dug and
opened in the fields under the snow the
tumuli of the dead. Feet still covered
with huge boots and half decayed f aoes
appeared here and there. Horrible
things were discovered,
A dog died at
La Mouoelle from having half devoured
a corpse. The miasma of the battle
field gave fevers to the poor. "The
dead avenged themselves," as Corneille
savs. After having disinterred the
corpses, they were burned. Pitch,
mingled with petroleum, was poured
over these human remains, and then
chloride of lime. From time to time a
detonation was heard in the fire. It was
some cartouche, still inclosed in a
cartouche box attached to a oorpse, and
which exploded as though these enemies
would fain continue the combat after
death. And it was by thousands that
these dead men, born to be happy and
beloved, and to kiss the rosy cheeks of
their children, were buried there. Two
hundred and seventy trenches, disin
fected by M. Trouet, contained 6,000
corpses. That was not all ; M. Miohel
disinfeoted 902 trenches, and M.
I Creteur, 3,213. Calculate, therefore, how
I many corpses these tumuli contained I
The Rnstlc of the Dress.
Lowell wrote these lines years ago,
but he wrote it for these times as well as
for those: '
Hark 1 that rustle of a drees
Btiff with lavish costlinces ;
Hove comes one who-e cheek would fUibh
But to bavo her garment brush
'Gainst the girl whose fingers thin
Wove the weary "broidery iu,
And iu midnight chill and murk
Stitched herlife into her work ;
Bending backward from bor toil
Lest her tears the silk might soil ;
Shaping from her bitter thought
Heart'a-ease and forget-me-not ;
Satirizing her despair
With the emblems woven there !
Items of Intmst.
Tho newest floral sentiment: "If
you wish for heart's ease, don't look to
marigold."
The Grangers of tho United States
have over $18,000,000 invested in their
various enterprises.
"That," said the tramp, " is tho top
buckwheat ; it has been used to keep
the others warm, and I don't eat no
coverlids." So he laid it one side.
If you want to know whether your
grandmother was crosseyed, or where
your great uncle stood in his arithmetic
class, just run for office, and you'll know
it all.
Of sixty Indian agencies which havo
made their annual report to tho board of
Indian commissioners, twenty-seven
have military forces within their reserva
tions. It appears that Captain Wnbb's swim
across the English chnnnel will turn out
to be a very profitable job. The testi
monial being raised for bim has already
reached 520,000.
Tho class dome of the Centennial art
gallery will be lighted by 2,000 gas jots.
The dome is 2G6 feet above the level of
tho Schuylkill, and will bo visible at
night all over Philadelphia.
When a French army officer is con
victed of a felony his epoulets are torn
off, his sword is broken, aud a private
steps from the ranks and kicks him.
After that the civil authorities take care
of him.
A servant who plumed herself upon
being employed in a genteel family, was
asked the definition of the term.
" Where they have two or three kinds
of wine, and the gentleman swears,
was the reply.
" What's useo play poker," remarked
an almond-eyed uenizen oi ihchou,
Nev.,the other day. "Me hold four
klings and a lace ; Melican man hold all
same time four laces and a kling ; wholo
week washee gone likee woodbine.
Miss Susan B. Anthony has lectured
120 times during the last lecturing sea
son, and has realized enough to pay off
her 810,000 debt incurred by the bank
ruptcv of the Revolution. The last dol
lar of this obligation has been paid.
Mr. James Lamont, the Arctic ex
plorer, yatchman and sportsman, says
that he is perfectly sure that the vibra
tions of a boat striking against an ico
field are conveyed a distance of two
miles or more. Whenever iu his ex
peditions the bow of bis boat camo iu
contact with ice every seal for miles
raised its head and was on tho alert.
A young man who was a partner in a
Boston house which suspended some
time ago, said, just previous to the dis
aster, that no young single man could
live respectably in Boston on less than
825,000 a year. He is a married man,
and his expenses have lor years oeen in
the ratio of $25,000 for a singlo man. He
has sported his private carriage, his
retinue of servants, and his boxes at
the opera.
Thoughts for Saturday Kighr.
Vanity is omnivorous.
The smallest hair throws its shadow.
There is nothing insignificant, noth
ing.
What mighty contests rise from tri
vial things.
A tomb is a monument placed on the
limits of two worlds.
Titles of honor add not to his worth
who is himself an honor to his title.
All that tread the globo arc but a hand
ful to the tribes that slumber in its
bosom.
Timewellemployedis sa tan's deadliest
foe; it leaves no opening for the lurking
fiend.
Time, with all its celerity, moves
slowly on to him whose whole employ
ment is to watch its flight.
The crowns of kings do not prevent
those who wear them from being tor
mented sometimes by violent headaches.
He that studies only men will feet the
body of knowledge without the soul;
and he that studies omy uuuiw wm gui
the soul without the body.
A true man never frets about hi place
in the world, but just slides into it by
the gravitation of his nature, and swings
there as easily as a star.
The exhibition of real strength is
never grotesque. Distortion is the agony
of weakness. It is the dislocated mind
whose movements are spasmodic.
Whatever that be which thinks, which
understands, which wills, which acts, it
is something oeiesuai wiu uiviucj nuu,
upon that account, must necessarily be
eternal.
The human race are sons of sorrow
born; and each must have his portion.
Vulgar minds reiuse or croucn Deneatu
their load; the brave bear theirs with
out repining.
Oat of suffering have emerged the
strongest souls, and the most massive
characters are seamed vth scars. Mar
tyrs have put on their coionation robes
i-.i . 111. H 1 Al. u
guttering wim uxo, nuu buiuugu bucu
tears have the sorrowful first seen the
gates of heaven.
Smith. Colonel Nicholas Smith de
rives the name "Smith" from Shem ;
as Shem, Shemit, Shmit, Smith. This
recalls Jeremy Cockloft's derivation of
" man co
from "Jeremiah rung; as
Jeremiah King, Jerry King, Jerkin,
gherkin, cuonmoer, mango,