jTcT EnoTiroR ' A LOCAL AND FAMILY JOURNAL. , , Terms f 2.00 a Tear, is Adtakcx
"V0E-il. RIDGWAY, PA., THURSDAY, JANUARY 5, 1871. T ! NO. 11.
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V
THK FVTI'HK I.IFK.
BY WILLIAM t t l.l.P.N mtTANT.
filnw ahull 1 know thee, in the Hjilii'iv which
Keeps
The dicm1mdied siiirlts of the dead.
When nil of thee that limn could willuT
sloops
Auil jieilahes niiioni? Hip iIiiki wp Head ?
For 1 Miull feel the Miug of ceaseless pain,
If tberg I meet thy jrcntle presence not ;
.Mor hear tliu voice 01 love, nor read ngam
In thy pcrcnest eyes the tendt thought.
Will not thy own meek heart demand me
- .at r - . ..
That heart whose fondest throbs to me were
piven.
My name on earth was ever In thy prayer,
And wilt thou never titter It in Heaven 1
I
In UK-allows fanned by Heaven'? lifc-brcnthing
inn,
In tl resruVmlcncp of that trlorions (inhere
And ltger movements of the unfettered
ntnd,
Wilt Ihou forget ihc love thai joined lis
11
That lo l that lived through all the stormy
And mctkly with my harsher nature bore,
And deep grew, and tenderer to the last,
Shall it eVpirc with life and be no more ?
V
A tiuppler lit than mine, and larirer lle-hl.
Await the there; for thou bast bowed I by
I lu cheerful homage to the rule of rljrht,
And loveet all, and renderest goud for ill
win
- Yet though Ihou wear'st the glory of the sky,
Wilt thou not keep the same beloved name,
The same fair thonijhtfnl brow, unci gentle
eve.
Lovelier. In Heaven's sweet climate, yet the
;uue
Saalt thon not teach me, in that calmer borne,
Tha .-t.,.1 . .1. v . ' . ....... '
iuo mauuui iuut x icarnca so ill in tnis
7he wisdom which is love till 1 become
" i .:v lit companion In that land of bliss!
THE d'AME FOR LIFE.
An Adventure In the Far trl,
It was a terrible Btorniy night : dark
as pitch, and blowing a hurricane. My
overcoat was wet through, and my jack
boots completely filled with water. The
lightning kept up one constant succes-
mon oi vivia nasties, ana the deep thun
der rolled in every direction. Under
the most favorable circumstances such a
night would not be considered pleasant ;
but when you are alone in a country
yon don't know, have lost your way, and
can't see afoot beyond your horse's nose,
I don't think any ono can imagine any-
vumg mure unpleasant,, xnis, however,
was ray case. Iwasin 'the far, far West,
In f i'Jat a gfeHTt'r distance from the
At. hi Ho seaboard than I had ever at-
;'..'-id before. Business had called me
thi ',e, and for certain reasons I had had
to tiavel toward the backwoods, taking
wit'i me a considerable sum of monev.
fslii ih it was of the utmost importance
x s Juia ueliver Bately at its destination
, as on as possible.
i 1 1 my anxiety to perform my mission
well I had foolishly passed the place
where I ought to have rested for the
night, fondly hoping to reach another
station before the close of evening ; but
the storm coming on, I lost my way, and
there I was, stumbling about ver
stumps of trees, my horse knee-deep in
the mud, and I without the slightest
idea which way to turn.
Down came the rain in torrents, beat
ing the muddy earth as if it wished to
wash it clean. I was wet through to
the skin, and my horse at every step
seemed sinking deeper and deeper into
the mud, till at last he refused to move
a step further. In vain I plunged my
jipurs into his sides, and used my whip,
' not another foot would he move, but
stood with trembling flanks and extended
nostrils, the picture of agonized fear ;
so I was forced to dismount and lead
him. But you may judge my surprise
when I reached his head to find that he
was nearly touching a wall. I stretched
forth my hand, and, to my delight, found
it was a log -hut.
" Here is shelter, at all events," said I
to myself, " though I scarcely deserve it
for my foolhardiness in riding past the
station. Well, I suppose I shall have to
go supperless to sleep, and heaven knows
that is Dad enough, m my present con
tusion.
Drawing: the bridle over mv arm. I
led my horse round the building, feel
ing careiuiiy so as not to miss the door
way. I passed down one side and turned
tne corner, when, to my delight, I per
ceived a light shining through some
chinks in the logs. Without pausing a
moment to consider what guests might
uo uOToiuuicu liisiuo, x Hastened to toe
door, and beating loudly upon it, de
manded admittance. I had not long to
wait The door opened slowly, and a
tall, thin man stood before me.
The fellow was roughly dressed, and
wore a large broad-brimmed hat thrown
carelessly on his head j a cloak, much
the worse for wear, hung from his shoul
ders, and nearly reached the ground;
his figure was spare, but very powerful.
With his left hand he held the door, so
as to be ready to close it in an instant
and in his right a Colt's revolver
Young America's constant companion.
Having glanced at his toilet, I turned
mj attention to bis face, and 1 must say,
a nore disagreeable one I never wit
nessed. It was long and thin, but very
sallowy high cheek-bones, sharp, evil
looking yes, a nose like an eagle's beak,
low, receding forehead, and a huge
mouth filled with horrible tusks. A
long tuft of hair hung from his chin,
and his upper lip and cheeks had not
felt tho touch of a razor for gome days.
Having fixed his evil little eyes on
me, and taken a good inventory of my
personal appearance and effects, he
pocketed his pibtol,' and drawled out :
" Wal, what's the matter?"
" Matter P I exclaimed; matter
enough, I should think.' I have lost my
way, and am wet to the skin."
.. ' Wal, I can't help that," he replied,
n drew back as if to shut the door. '
"Jut I need shelter," I cried; "my
Kdfellow, j am nflariy droned
" You du look at if you'd been making
wet goodg of yourself,'1 be drawled, open
fuf tusks!nOUth' Hai nowinS fright-
" Don't koep me hero, my good fel
low," I exclaimed, looking nnxiously at
the fire ; " I only want a feed for my
horse and shelter for myself; for both
of which you shall be well paid."
" There s a bam Bt the end of the hut
for the 'oss," said he, jerking his hond in
the direction. " You had better go and
put him up, stranger, and then come
here."
As I saw there was no help for it, I
led my horso to the barn, made him as
comfortable as I could, and then taking
my saddle-bags over my arm, entered
the hut. .
- It was a wretched hoveL composed of
rough-hewn logs, rudely put together,
and plastered mud, great masses of
which had tallen away, leaving the logs
exposed to view, and tho sharp wind
whistled through the chinks in a misera
ble manner. The hearth was composed
of stones beaten into the earth, and
upon this blazed a large fire, which, al
though it filled the room with smoke,
was, in my condition, most acceptable.
Jlv newly made acquaintance np.
pearud to have fallen fast asleep before
the fire ; so giving one look to his disa
greeable countenance, I took off my coat
and waistcoat, laid them out to dry, and
placing the saddle-bags lor a pillow,
prepared to go to sleep.
" Wal, stranger," said my host, start.
ing up with a snarl, " I du think you
might be more perlite, and just hand
over the news. 1 guess it isn't often we
get any down in these parts, and there.
fore we don't lose a chance of rising any
when we can.
" I must beg your pardon," I replied
" I thought you were asleep, and there.
fore was quiet in case I might disturb
you.
. " Air you hungry '" he demanded.
"Asa hunter," was my emphatic re
ply.
" I guess you won't object to this bit
of corned" beef then," said he, pushing
some coarse bread and salt meat toward
me.
" On the contrary,' I replied, noth
ing could be more acceptable."
" I guess you're thirsty," he said, after
watching me devour the meat.
' Sahara is nothing to me," I avowed.
" I don't know anything about your
btrah, he replied, " but 1 du know
girl named Polly, who does drink, she
ait : a patent double-pressure engine is
nothing to her, that it am t ; she takes
in more liquid than a Mississippi steam
boat, and when she s at high pressure
guess she's as dangerous."
I expressed my sorrow at Miss Polly's
failing, and asked him if he had any
thing to drink.
' w al, yes ; hero s some iioui-bon whis
ky; put yourselt outside that,-and you
won t teel your soaking.
X needed no second invitation, tor, in
spite of the huge tire, I was shivering
with cold ; and as I had most important
business to execute, was most anxious at
any risks to keep up my strength, so as
to accomplish my journey'.
As 1 drank the whiskey my compan
ion lapsed into silence, and 1 began to
ionder upon the weakness oi human
judgment, and the unfairness of what
people call " impressions in particular,
Here is a man," thought I, " that
everybody would proclaim a scoundrel
from his diabolical countenance ; judging
from that, you would siy that ho was
mean, cruel and unprincipled ; yet, al
though I have not seen him before, he
not only gives me the shelter of his roof,
but also shares his supper and whiskey
with me. I will never trust to appear
ances again.
Whilst I had been making these re-
flections, I again prepared for sleep ;
but my doing so evidently displeased
my companion, for Btretching out his
long legs to their full length ovidontly
to kick mine he gave a terrible yawn.
" Darned if vou ain't the slowest cuss
x ve met on this siae ot creation, he
growled. " Ain't you got no news'f"
Halt angry and halt amused at his
strange manner, I replied :
" i am extremely sorry that x have no
news to give you, and unfortunately I
nave not the imagination ot some ot our
JNew lork papers, or I would invent
some for your amusement."
" Now, look here, stranger, none of
your impertinence. I guess you are a
Bostoner, which accounts for your infer
nai slowness. v hat s the good.ot a pa
per, if there isn't something new in it '(
bpose there s a murder or a robbery,
and it's a real one, wal, you read it and
enjoy it. But s'pose it's a false one,
'bout people you know nothing about,
wal, you enjoys it, and thore isn't half
the darned sight injury done. You luff
or cry as much over one as the other,
and you don't know the people ; there
fore, what can it matter to you whether
it is true or false ? it does just the same."
ITot feeling inclined to argue with my
friend over the matter, especially as I
could see that ho was a man who would
not take contradiction quietly, I readily
owned that I was wrong and he was
right.
" S'pose you don't want to sleep di
rectly, stranger ?'
" Indeed I do, for I am very tired."
" I guess it's not safe to steep in these
parts, unless you can manage to keep
one eye open."
"Why'r' Surely we ure safe never"
" I don't know that. I calc'late you
air a stranger in these parts '("
"lam."
" But I guess you've heard of Silas
Cass he dwells hereabouts."
Silas Cass! I had indefd heard of
him as one of tho most desperate and
depraved characters that haunted the
out-settlements of America. He was
suspected nay, it was morally certain
that he had committed -more murders
and robberies than any man in the
world; but he had contrived to evadu
the law, for although suspicion was
great, there was no proof, and the
wretch had always escaped the punish
ment he so richly deserved.
As I looked at the diabolical face b-
fore me, I was convinced that my host
was o. other than the notorious Silas
Cass. I folt a cold sweat burst out on
my forehead, and a terrible" dryness
seized my throat. A fiend-like expres
sion of delight spread over the wretch's
face as he noticed these symptoms of
terror; his thin lips wore drawn back
in a . devilish grin ; his greenish eyes
were fixed on me with the malicious
gaze of a cat watohing a caged bird.
Gathering all the resolution I could
muster, I replied :
" I have hoard of Silas Cass, but really
can't believe the stories they tell about
him. Some people are born unlucky,
and it has been the misfortune of Cass
to be placed in suspicious circumstan.
ces; but there has never been any proof
ot his guilt, and therefore I preter giv
ing him tho benefit of the doubt in
fact, I think he is more sinned against
than sinning."
The monster threw himself back and
roared with laughter at what he
thought my credulity, and pushing the
whisky-bottlo toward me, ordered me to
drink.
I placed the bottle to my. lips, and
pretended to tke a hearty draught, but
very little ot the hery liquid entered my
mouth.
" Wal, you air a queer cuss," said the
ruthan. "JSow, 1 sbouldn t be sur
prised if those saddle-bags of yours held
a good amount ot dollars r
" A few," I replied ; " and there is a
tale belonging to them.
"Just so," said Silas, pushing the
whisky-bottle toward me. " S'po3ing
you take another pull."
I took hold of the bottle, and kept it
glued to my lips for such a length of
time that Silas s eyes seemed ready to
start out of their sockets.
"Guess you're a tall drinker, stran
ger, he said.
" Yes," I replied, in as drunken a voice
as I could assume; "that's how I came
by those dollars."
" Bully for you," grinned Silas. " I've
heard of many a boy drinking himself
out ot a tortune, but ne or a one that
drunk himself rich."
" Oh," sighed I, with drunken earnest
ness, " I onc was honest."
" Once '" said he, opening his eyes.
" Yes," 1 replied. " I held a place in
the Broadway Bank as one of the chief
tellers ; but I took to gaming and drink,
ing, and lost all my money."
" Wal, that didn't make vou rich V"
"No; but in a fit of desperation I
emptied my till, and the dollars are
there.
"Whew!" whistled Silas. "I guess
you did it up pretty spry'?"
" You haven't any cards about you ':"
I asked.
" I guess I have, though," he replied ;
" s'posing we have a game of poker ' "
My heart beat with delight as he drew
a pacK irom Jiis pocket, and, grasping
tho cards, I commenced dealing them
with the assumed eagerness of a regular
gamester.
1 saw the wretch cheat me everv time.
I lost and lost; stil!, I continued play
ing, only repenting my losses in a maud
lin drunken way, that made, my com
panion roar with laughter. He com
menced to thoroughly enjoy himsolf di
rectly he saw my misery ; he lighted
his pipe, and began smoking. He did
not puff out the smoke as an ordinary
man would have done, but opened his
mouth and let the denso clouds roll
round his horrible tusks and long, thin
tongue. Each time he won, he seized the
bottle and drank heavily of the whisky.
When the bottle was finished, he pro
duced another from a small cupboard at
the back of the hut. This soon disap
peared, and was replaced by another;
but the more he took tho better he
seemed. As he swept up my dollars he
roared with delight, Hinging his huge
legs about in the most grotesaue man
ner. He began chanting bits of songs,
certainly not fit for respectable society.
To make the scene more horrible, the
storm without had become so violent
that tho hut shook beneath the heavv
claps of thunder, and the blue lightning
flashed through the cracks between the
logs that composed the walls, perfectly
paling the red light of our tire, and
nearly blinding me. '
".Lost again! shouted Silas, as he
swept up my last few dollars. "Hear
how the boys are playing skittles up
above! I guess that bowling saloon
pays, they play pretty constant. What's
your next stake '("
" I haven t a cent, I groaned.
"I'll play you five dollars against
your saddle-bags."
x knew they would be his anvwav.
and therefore staked them. Need I say
I lost Y
As Silas rose to procure some more
whisky, I took the opportunity of scrib
bling a few lines upon the back of n
envelope, which I slipped into a slit in
my coat-lining.
lie made me stake mv horse, mv coat
and waistcoat; in fact, everything I
possessed. I lost all, and then threw
myself back as if in despair, bewailing
my bad fortune and rashness in having
trusted to cards. Silas seemed highly
delighted with my melancholy, consol
ing ui4 with the assurance that there
were plenty nioro banks in the world.
and I might regain my fortune. After
uoariiig ins taunts ior some time 1 pre
tended to cry myself asleep, but took
care to place my lace in such a position
that I could see all that Silas did with
out appearing to watch him.
No sooner had my first snore sounded
than Silas rose from the ground, and.
drawing his revolver, advanced toward
me.
" Of all the darned fools I ever did
meet, this one beats them all. He a
thief! Bah! he is a disgrace to the
name. I s'pose it's no use potting him :
be can't bring anything against me 'if
lie lost all his money in play. Besides,
he won't cure about kicking up a noise
in case of the bank finding him. And
yet he would be safer."
As he spoke, he leveled the pistol
straight at my head. I shall never for
get that terrible moment. 1 knew that
the slightest movement would be the
signal for my death, and so remained
perfectly motionless; but the strange,
horrid, cold calm that stole over me will
never pass from my memory.
" Bah 1'' he said, putting up the pistol,
" let him live ; I've got the other one to
attend to." i
He turned away and left the hut care
fully closing the door behind him. I
listened to his retreating footsteps, and
when they sounded distant I sprang to
my feet. My first idea was flight, but a
moment's consideration told me that
that would be certain death. I crept to
the door and peeped through the chinks
in the wall. Tho storm still raged, and
by the constant flashing of the light
ning I ww enabled to see for some dis
tance. Silas was coming toward tho
hut, carrying a heavy burden on his
shoulders. He stopped by the side of a
pond about ten yards from the build
ing, and threw down his load it was
the body of a man. Silas then took
some cords from his pocket, and with
them bound a huge stone to the body.
When this was done b& picked up the
ghastly object, and with more than hu
man strength hurled it into the pond.
The lightning gleamed out brightly ; the
pale, ghastly face seemed turning one
appealing look to heaven for revenge ;
the cold, dull waters closed over it, and
all was still again.
Struck with horror, I could scarcely
move, and with difficulty regained my
position by the fire before Silas returned.
Quietly taking off his own coat and
waistcoat, which were as bad as they
could be, he threw them into one corner
of the room, and then, with all the cool
ness imaginable, dressed himself in my
garments. He again left the hut with
my saddle-bags, and a few minutes af
terward I heard tho ring of my horse's
feet as he galloped away.
In a moment I had seized his coat, and
putting it on, dashed from the hut in
pursuit.
I ran until almost reoiy to drop. Still
I pressed on ; the spirit of revenge had
entered my soul, and bore mo up. At
last I saw a horseman crossing tho hill.
I knew the figure but too well it was
Silas Cass.
Till morning I dodged from bush to
bush, keeping as close to him as I dared.
Had I had a pistol with mo I fear Silas
would have stood a very poor chance.
At last I perceived a party of horsemen
riding toward us, and in a' minute I
burst from my hiding-place and com
menced shouting as loudly as I could.
"Stop him, stop him! he is a mur
derer !"
Silas looked quietly behind him, and,
seeing me running, drew his revolver,
presented and fired. The bullet whistled
close to my head, but did no damage.'
By this time the horsemen had heard
my cries and were close upon Silas, who
hesitited for a moment whether to at
tack me or not, but seeing the party of
horsemen were armed, he turned his
horse's head as if to galop across country;
but the leader of the horsemen swung
his rifle round, and presenting it at
Silas, called upon him Ui stop.
" I guess this is a pretty shindy," said
Silas, coolly, " all about a fellow who
has lost his money at poker."
"Stop that man," I cried; "he has
robbed me of my money, horse and
clothes."
" Why, you darned viper." said Silas,
"didn't you lose them to me fairly at
poker, in the block-hut ?"
"No," I cried; "he robbed me there,
and I call upon you all to help me arrest
him for having committed murdor. I
saw him throw the body into a pond by
the log-hut last night. Expecting the
same fate, I wrote on an envelope these
words: I have been robbed and mur
dered by Silas Cass James Ansel.' You
will find it in a slit in the lining of my
coat, which that man now wears, for he
is Silas Cass."
Scarcely had the words escaped my
lips when Silas again presc-nted his pis
tol, and this time with better effect, for
the bullet pierced my arm, but at the
same instant one of the horsemen dealt
Cass a heavy blow with his rifle, and
laid him senseless on the ground.
Silas was handed over to the authori
ties and searched ; my envelope was
found upon him. The body was found
in the pond as I described. My story
was told and proved true, and in a few
days I had the satisfaction of knowing
that Silas Cass was no more.
Tho Absurdity of Tight Luciiigr.
Thera would be no tight lacing if
girls could be made to understand this
simple fact that men dread the fact of
marrying a woman who is subject to fits
of irritable temper; to bad headaches,
and other ailments we need not men
tion, all ot which everybody knows, are
the direct and inevitable product of the
compression of the waist. Men like to
see a small waist, certainly ; but there is
a very great difference between the
waist that is well formed and in pro
portion to tho rest of the figure, and a
waist which is obviously and artificially
compressed, to the destruction of that
easy and graceful carriage which is one
of the chief charms of a woman's ap
pearance. An unnaturally compressed
waibt is far more certain of detection
than a mass of false hair or a faint dust
ing of violet powder. The rawest youth
who enters a ball-room can pick out the
women who have straishtuned them
selves artificially ; and there is no more
ready handle for his harmless jokes. If
the young ludy who, to obtain the ap
pearance of a dragon-fly, has been sub
jecting herself to considerable pain, and
who has been laying up lor hcrselt a
pretty store of ailments which only want
time to pronounce themselves, could
only gee the Btare of scarcely-disguised
contempt and understand the scornful
pity which greet the result of her labor,
we should have a change of fashion
and it is merely fashion. There is
nothing intrinsically beautiful hi an un
naturally small waist, and if it were the
fashion to go into the opposite extreme,
women would see beauty in padded
waists. It is a great misfortune that
pouular taste never alters in this as it
alters in ether matters. Observers may
notice with what a regular ebb and flow
wide skirts and narrow skirts alternate ;
how we have the peg-top garment of
men, followed by the sailor's wide
auklod attire ; how square-pointed boots
give place to peak-toed boots, and how
the peak-toes go out again for the
square points." Through all changes
women remain true to only one fanhion.
Whether her clothing is as long and
lank as that of a Grecian virgin, or
wneuicr sue Duuas around the lower
half of her figure a rotund and capacious
structure of steel, she is forever faithful
to the tradition of a small waist ; and
she will weaken her spine, she will make
her hands red, she will incur headache,
she will crock her voice, and she will
ruin her digestion, all to procure a mal
formation which wise men regard with
pity and fools with derision.
Soluble Glass.
Among what are called the " lost arts "
of the ancients is that of making mal
leable glass, to which we find numerous
references in the old writings. But we
have, in place of malleable glass, a
more remarkable product that is to
say, water glass ; in other words, soluble
glass, which may be utilized in a variety
of ways, It has all the constituents of
ordinary glass, but combined in dif
ferent proportions, soda and potash pre
dominating. It may be a limpid fluid,
a syrup, or jelly, or a pasto, according
to tho objects sought. What renders
this compound especially useful is its
quality of drying and hardening by
heat or exposure to the air, thereby re
gaining its glassy qualities, and a hard
ness such that one kind assumes a vitre
ous and conchoidal fracture, and a hard
ness such as to give sparks on steel, with
out the brittleness of flint. Its fluid
form allows of its being applied as a
paint or varnish for numberless pur
poses of use or beauty. It is employed
instead of ordinary paint for covering
the guns and other iron objects at the
Brooklyn Navy Yard. Wood, having
absorbed a sufficient amount of the stuff,
becomes harder and more durable, and
interesting experiments have been made
in railroads with prepared wooden rails
instead of iron ; while for fence-posts,
railroad sleepers, wharf, piles, and end
less other purposes where wood is ex
posed to decay, the use of wood satu
rated with glass is of immense advan
tage. It is known that silica is to be
treated as an acid, and a peculiarity of
alkalies is-that the more potent and bit
ing of them take acids from their weaker
brethren when the three are brought
together. Thus when we mix the sili
cate of potassa or soda with lime, the
lime takes up a quantity of silica and
forms a silicate of lime, which is nearly
or quite insoluble. Thus with sand,
lime, and water glass, we get a hard,
durable stone, proof against weather
and atmosphere, firo and water. The
mass is of course pasty when first manu
factured, and may be molded and worked
like so much putty. So here wo have a
splendid future in the fabrication of
tiles, building-blocks, architectural
moldings and ornaments, statues, ves
sels, linings of cisterns, and a thousand
other matters of use and of beauty. By
using an admixture of alumina or clay,
we get a so-called hydraulic cement, or
one which hardens under water.
Mcutiil Overwork.
In an article on " Physical Diseases
from Mental strain," in the American
Journal of Insan ity, Dr. ltichardson gives
the following interesting examplo of the
overtaxing of tho faculty of memory :
I knew an instance in which a child
was "blessed" with a marvelous gift of
verbal memory. This being his "forte,"
his teacher, who wished every scholar to
be remarkable for something beyond
other scholars, played on this "lorte"
powerfully, and with wonderful effect.
By constant cultivation of the one fac
ulty, this marvellous boy could learn off
fifty lines of "Paradise Lost," or any
other English book, at a single reading,
and could repeat his lesson on the spot,
without missing a word or omitting a
comma. But the result was this, that
when this remarkable boy was sent to a
university to learn a profession, he was
beaten in the learning of detailed and
det itched facts by every fellow-student.
Seeing slowly but surely wherehis weak
ness lay, this student ceased at last to
call into play his remarkable talent. It
was a terrible task ; he accomplished it
at last, to a considerable degree, but
never effectually. Eor a long time he
made mistakes that were most annoying;
he was unable, for instance, to cast up
accurately any column of figures, he for
got dates, he ran over or under impor
tant appointments, misnamed authors
in speaking of works of art or letters,
and in reisoning he would mix up two
or three bubjecta. It took him full ten
long years to unlearn his wonderful
technical art. We cannot be too care
ful of the mental and physical training
of the young. Upon it depends a hardy
and vigorous maturity.
The Jlisei les of a Comic Writer.
Eepeatedly being called upon, in the
midst of a btrange party, " to say some
thing funny."
Having half a dozen scrap-books put
into your hand, "for an impromptu."
Being expected, wherever you go, to
sing a comic song.
Never boing allowed to be in the least
unwell, or to look serious, without a
dozen people asking, " Why, what's the
matter with you r"'
Being the especial confidant of every
body's bad jokes, aud being made the
favorite victim for the " capital thing "
some one is sure to have ' heard yester
day." Asking for " some potatoes," or some
commonplace thing, and finding the
whole room roar at it incessantly for
ten minutes.
Making desperate love to a pretty
girl, who only laughs, and says, " La,
Mr. Smith! you're ul ways joking."
Having people labor under the notion
that it is not cubtomary for a comic wri
ter ever to pay anybody, that he gener
ally goes to bed tipsy, and that he can
not write unless he has a bottle of gin
by his side.
Being saluted, as you go into a room,
with " Bravo I here's Smith. Now we
shall have something good."
Being introduced as " the young gen
tleman who does all the funny things iu
the Stunning Magazine.' "
Being suspected of turning everything
you see into ridicule, and putting every
body you meet into print. . t
Sixteen Iowacounties are trying liquor
prohibition.
Trials of a Witness.
Mr. Pcxcuixello : As all people
seem to come to you with their troubles
and grievances, 1 hope yon will not re
fuse to listen to my woes, And whether
they are my woes or not I leave you to
judge yourself.
At the beginning of last week I made
my first appearance in the court room in
the case of Valentine against Orson, in
which the point in dispute was the own
ership of a tract of land in Wyoming ter
ritory. I knew something in regard to
the sale of these lands, and was fully
prepared to testify to the extent of my
knowledge in the premises; but judge
of my utter surprise and horror on being
obliged to go through such an ordeal as
the following extracts from my examina
tion will indicate :
The counsel for the plaintiff com
menced by asking me if I was a mar
ried man, and when I had answered that.
I was, he Baid :
Is your wife a believer in the princi
ples of the Woman's Rights party '
I could not for the life of me Bee what
this had to do with the land in Wyom
ing, but I answered that I was happy to
say she was not.
The examination then proceeded as
follows :
Q. You are happy, then, in you mat
rimonial relations ' A. Yes (and re
membering the oath) reasonably BO.
Q. Is your wife pretty ' A. (Witness
remembering at once his oath and his
wife's presence in court) She is pretty
pretty.
Q. What are her defects? A. (Wit
ness remcmboring only his wife's pre
sence) I have never been able to dis
cover them.
Q. Do you wear flannel V A. Yes, in
winter.
Q. Can you testify upon ypur oath
that you do not wear flannel in sum
mer ? A. I can.
Q. Now be careful in your answers.
What do you wear in the spring and
fall ? A. I I wear my common clothes.
Q . With flannel, or without flannel ?
A. Sometimes with, and sometimes with
out. Q. No evasion ; you must tell the
court exactly when you wear flannel,
anb when you do not.
A series of questions on this sub
ject brought out the fact that I wore
flannel when the weather was cold, or
cool; and did not wear it when it was
mild, or warm.
Q. Have yon a lightning rod on your
house 'i A. I have.
Q. How much did it cost you to have
it put up ? A. It has not cost me any
thing yet I owe for it.
Q. Is that nil you owe fori A. No.
I have other debts.
Q. Have you any money with you
now ' A. I have.
Q. now much? A. (Counting con
tents of porte-monnaie.) Sixty-two
cents.
Q. Where did you get that? A.
(With embarrassment). I borrowed it
Q. Were you present when defendant
first offered his land for sale to the plain
tiff?, A. (Brightening up.1 1 was.
Q. Have you ever been vaccinated ?
A. I have.
Q. On which arm ? A. The left.
Q. At the time of the first mention of
this land to tho plaintiff, who were pro
sent? A. (Witness speaking with hope
ful vivacity, as if he hoped they were
now coming to the merits of the case.)
The plaintiff, defendant and myself.
Q. Do you use the Old Dominion coffee-pot
in your house ? A. (Dejectedly.)
No, sir.
Q. What kind of coffee-pot do you
use ? A. A common tin one.
Q. Are you willing to swear it is tin ?
A. I am.
Q. Has your wife any sisters ? ' A.
She has two ; Anna and Jane.
Q. Are they married ? A. They are.
Q. Are either of them as pretty as
your wife ? A. (Quickly.) No, sir.
Q. Have you any children? A. Two.
Q. Have they had the measles ? A.
They have.
Q. His any other person in your
bouse had the measles ? A. I have had
them, aud my wife has had them.
Q. now do you know your wife has
had them ? A. She told me so.
Q. Then you did not see her have
them ? A. No, sir.
Q. Wo want no hearsay evidence here ;
how can you swear that she has had
them when you did not see her have
them? A. She told me so, and I be
lieved her.
Q. Did bhe take an oath that she had
them ? A. No, sir.
Q. Then, sir, you are trifling with the
court. Do you understand the obliga
tions of an oath ? A. I do.
Q. Beware, then, that you are not
committed for perjury. Is your gas
metro ever frozen ? A. Yes sir.
Q. What do you use when the gas
will not burn ? A. Candles.
Q. How many to the pound? A.
Nine.
Q. How do you know there nine to
the pound ? They are sold as nines.
Q. Then you never weighed them
yourself. A. No, sir.
Counsel to the court : May it please
your Honor, this is the second time that
this wituoss hag positively testified un
der solemn oath, to important points of
which he hag no certain knowledge. I
atk the court for protection for myself
and my client.
Here a long discussion took pldbe be
tween the lawyers and judge, and at the
end of it the case was postponed for
four months. I suppose it is expected
that I will then reascend the witness
stand ; but I have determined that when
I enter a court room again I shall appear
as a criminal. These fellows have much
the easiest times, and they run so little
risk, nowadays, that their position is
far preferable to that of the unfortunate
witness.
Dr. Boetger has found a "German
beer bouquet," and that it conusU of a
solution of the essential oil of lemons in
light petroleum oil, and a coarse fusel
oil containing spirits colored by tumeric.
Petroleum aud lusel oil should make a
charming beverage for educated stomachs.
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS.
A Pittsburgh paper brought thirty- ,
five dollars at auction. j ,
A now daily journal at Fort Dodge is
called The Cardiff Giant. ' ' '
A New Orleans fortune-teller netted ' ''
fl,200 in twenty days. . .
A Chicago saloon bears the modest .
name of " Lamb's Rest."
California promises twenty million
bushels of Wheat next year.
Tour and furs are coming eastward '
across the continent in large quantities.
A nugget of gold weighing 888 ounces
has been found in Berlin, South Aus
tralia. A big squash raised ia Vermont has
been sold for the big price of twenty-five
dollars.
Hector and Plato are among the floor '
managers of a negro ball to be given in
Hartford.
Linen can be glazed by putting a tea-
spoonful of salt and one of finely-scraped
white soap into a pint of starch. - '
Female pickpockets wear the oouveu- '
ient Arab shawls. They fold their shawls r
like the Arabs, aud silently steal away.
A thirty-two months' girl thus accost- k
ed her father a day or two ago : ' Papa,
will you buy me some holes to put in my
ears, so I can have some ear-rings?" '
A physician said of a quack that " he
was such an ignoramus that, if he could
take a lantern and go down inside his pa
tient, he couldn't find out what the matter
was." !
The report is current in tho clubs of
London that John Bright is to be Bent to
Washington as a special envoy to negoti-
ate a settlement of the Alabama and . ,
fishery questions.
Several of the California Judges have
decided that murder is a bailable offence, 1
and have a'cted in accordance with that
decision. The press has taken the sub- r
ject in hand, and is making an excite
ment over it.
The Shah of Persia, who is performing
a pilgrimage to the holy shrine of Ker- .
bela, lately passed through Bagdad, ac
companied by a suit of 10,000 persons.
The horses and other beasts of burden -composing
this caravan number upward
of 15,000.
The big grape-vine at Santa Barbara,
Cal., is five feet two inches in circumfer
ence where the main trunk branches, and
the arbor whioh it covers is G9 feeby 63.
At these limits, the branches are three
inches in diameter, and are kept trimmed
to prevent its spreading over more
ground.
Into the city'ofKe'fv York there flow "
five great streams of milk each day. One
over the Harlem road, another over the '
Erie, another over the New Haven,
another by the Hudson, and yet another
by the Long Island, umouuting to $250,
000 worth daily, besides that which
comes in by numerous small rivulets.
Last year of income tax Mr. A. T.
Stewart paid more than either of twenty- -seven
States, including territories, more .
than Arizona, Colorado, Dakota, Florida,
Washington, New Mexico, Utah, Idaho,
and Montana combined, more thau
either of the districts of Massachusetts, .
and 53,000 more than the Ninth and
Tenth Districts paid. Mr. W. B. Aster
ppid more than the whole State of Ver-.
wont.
Here is the son's story in a Wisconsin
divorce case : Am thirteen years old :
remember talk about a pencil one morn-;
ing ; mother was behind the stove mak
ing pancakes ; father took her by the '
back of the neck and put her head over,
the wood-box; she took a stick of wood
from the box and struck at him over her
shoulder ; then father put her head un
der tho pump and pumped water on her
face.
A bill has been introduced in the
House by Mr. Hill, of New Jersey,
which provides that the Postmaster
General " be and is hereby directed to
furnish and issue to the public, with
postage stamps impressed upon them,
' correspondence ' or post cards,' manu- '
factured of good stiff paper, of such
form and size as he shall . deem best
adapted for general use, which cards
shall be used under regulations to be
prescribed by the Postmaster General,
and shall be transmitted through the
mails at a postage charge of one cent,
including the cost of their manufacture,
to be issued immediately after the pas
sage of this act."
At the leveling of an ancient Indian
mound near St. Louis, Mo., a few days
ago, a very interesting spectacle was
presented. Among those who witnessed
it were Professor Marsh, of Yale Col
lege, Dr. Briggs, of St Louis, and Gen.
A. J. Smith. The mound was originally .
forty feet in height, oval in shape, and
about 300 feet in length. About twenty
years ago there was a house on top of
it and a graveyard on the side. During
the progress of the work the laborers
have dug up the bones of three races,
first thobe of the whites, second of the
Indians, and last of the ancient mound
builders. Professor Marsh secured
thirty skulls of the mound builders, one
alone being perfect. These were found
in two vaults, one a square structure,
the other of cresoent torm, and both
about fifty feet across.
The N. Y. State Fish Commissioners
announce that they are prepared to fur
nish spawn and Bmall fish to any per
sons residing near any of the lakes in
the State who may desire to engage, in
Eisciculture. It is stated that the State
atching house' at Caledonia is filled
with white fish and Salmon trout nearly
or quite ready to be deposited in any
waters. There are also thousands of
more common, perhaps, but not less
valuable fish, of larger sizes, ready for
distribution uch as black bass, white
bass, and bull-heads. The latter, a fish
once despised, has now beoome go scare
that it can only be obtained occasionally
in the markets. They will multiply
rapidly in any water it' protected from
wautou destruction. Persoug desiring
to procure any of these fish should ap
ply to Seth Green, Buperinttadett at
Rochester.
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