nth;Eutnt. MRS. CAUDLE ,AND THE BLOOMERS. Now, Caudle just keep awake.' I want to 'tell you about the Bloomer costume." Sick of hearing about it—sick of seeing great green girls galloping round the street .with ancles like an elephant, toes turned in, and great E.6up plates of hats turned over their; ugly 'faces !" .11Yhat haalhat to de with me; hey, Caw ! dip Don't pretend you are asleep nost(o— -beantel know you ain't and what's moire. I don't intend you shall be. Now you see, CaOle dear, it takes a pretty woman to wear that beautiful 'dress. Think it will stilt me then? Of course it will. What are yOu laughing at ? Let me see ; it will take twelve yards of silk for the dress and five for ,the trousers." Don't jhink. it _would be anything new for me to wear them? I don't knots , ' whit you mean by an insinuation, and if I did I despise you for it." . ." Wish I would not keep digging my el— boivs into your sides ? Well keep awake thin: lake 'care of your end of the schooner and I will take care of mimic." A.s I was saying—it will take just twelve ya7ds for the dr e ss, and five for the bree— treusers ! Laugh away ! Laugh away, Cau dle,'l don't care what you call 'ern. if I get 'em on." , 1 If IJo wear 'em, you'll put on petti coats,...will you ? All I have to say to that is, that you will then appear in ;your true colors and not be such a walking ,lie as you are now. But there is no help tor it as I know, any, way that's neither here nor there. Shall—l—have the Bloomer or not Mr. Cau dle ?'" -Hereupon Mr. Caudle groans out a faint ye,,, muttering as he turns over.— •",I wish I had never been born, I do ;" to' 'which his wife devoutly responds--" AMEN." 7 17 . RETORT CLERCAL.—At a conventioa of tergymen some years since, it was pro ed by one of the members, after they bad .dined, that each should entertain the eon]: party with soracz interesting remarks.-- Among. the rest,'-bne drew upon his Fancy, and related a dream. In his dream he went to Heaven, and he proceeded to relate what he saw there, describing the golden streets, the river of life, Ere. As be conchided, one of the divines, who was somewhat noted for his penurious and money'-saving habits, stepped up to the narrator and „inquired jo cosely," Well, did you see anything_ of me in yorar dream ?" •' Yes." " In,deed, what was I doing "0, you werC-'vn your knees." " Prao3g, was I?" "No ; scra ping up the gold." AN INVITING COUNTRY.—A new se: tier sriniewherc in Missouri, "'the land o Pukes," gives the following graphic descrip don of the country, and people in that sec :on of Uncle Sam's dominions : " As for the country, the laud is as cheap as dirt; and good enough ; but the climate is rainy. • bion•y and sultry. The people die a; fast here, that rrery man has his third wife, and every IA , mitin is a iridair. As for the pea• pie of 'Missouri, they are perfect Christians. They fulfill the S,:riptures to the letterovAire it says; Let God be nue, hut, every eau a liar." 117 " HILL°. DarkinS•,•how are veil ?" " Oh, I'm well dressed, like a - reaste rg: . , How's times?" • " Don't know, haven't seen 'ern -lately." " No; I mean what's the prospects ?" " Can't tell ; NAM ii I had a aPVglaSa. " '• Where have yOu been ?" "I've been in a good many places lately." ." Miele are you going?" " Tv A ltie grave." " Any ate a bore." ." And you are a muitno."—(Exit b ot h to a rige.LN. I". Pid.amine. , . A' YOUNG cOrrq.r: went to the Rev. Patti Davis to get married.. Mr. D. is some . .N thmg of a .wag, and by an innocent mistake, of course„ began ,to read from the prayer• book as P:Alows : " Man That a horn 'of woman t full - of trouble, and Wilt out a short time to live," Sc The astonished bridegroom ,exclaimed, you mistake : we came to he married." " \\ T ell," replied Darts, " 11 you _insist ou it, I wilt Marry : but belieficme.my friend. vo4; bad much Letter be buried !" Iv 1. TOWN ip Connecticut, a loafer was brought before a justice lot betug drunk in the Street—itte_ fine neing one guitar for each Offence ; Tli; line hr paid, and was ar raigned the, .next day ; No -you don't, Judge," Paid he. I know the law; onedol bar for each offence, and this is the mine old drank.'"' you may say what you please- aboutCaptaia Speckle's meaune;is— there's One thing I know, and that is, he savol my life three times at the battle of Chaprateprke." " Hew so ?" _ • •• Why every time he ran away I followed him." O:7THE OTHER ItAr .Mts. Saifilins finding herself unwell, sent for a doctor, and declared het belief that she way " pisetied,” and that he (Snitllins)l" had did it !" I didn't do. it !" shouted Sniftkins. " It's all gammon, she isn't poi.,oned. Prove it,. doctor, open her upon the spot—Pm wilting." Q:' ANT r ‘ i:t at all familiar with city life, knows that all the apple stands on the corners are kept by old women. IVell,what of tt ? It runs in the family. Mother Eve went into the apple business until:she ruined Adam, and got droye)out of Paradise. Is it strange she should stick to her old trade? 2:g• A nacnetoa returning the other eve ning from an asentbly in a covered coach, declared, e7ith a gipap, that he had not the .slightest objection to rings on his fingers," but hal a most unequivocal aversion to belies on his toes." A 'MAINE editor says that a.ptimpkin somewhere is that State grew so large that eight men could stand around it. :This is something like the man who sawm flock Of blackbirds so low that he could shake a stick at them. • 7 "Isnoutii think these omnibus wheels would be fatigued alter running all day," ob. sercEd Sam. "'Well, yes," replied Seth ta• king a squint at' them, " they do appear to be tired." . _ V" A DuTcitNnti beiog called upon for t toast, said Here ish. to de heroes who fide, pleet and the mit de battle ot Tooker Hill, of whom I atn one." 15:44 r 11( DEER sin," said an electron ac quaintance, accosting a sturdy wag on the day ot election, " I'm rery,glad to see you." " You needn't voted." (l:7l.yriEN nnts a man sneeze three times? Ans.—When he cannot help it. jr WITT ARE May /OHS like politicians Becansn Oleg " blow." , Stittifit nub Tindall. ditSlWrAltiCillk ,accin,wrs. We, digest for the benefit of readers, espe- cially in country places, the bat course lobe adop ted in emergencies like the following In can of a fradared or dislocated Lealtb-i-tiet the sufferer Won the ground until a coach, door, gale, or plank, can be procured, for in raining him up, be . may die from faintness d loss of blood.— W hen procureeplace the dOor or gate alongside of him, cover it with something soft, and let men eon I,•ey him home steadily but do not put him into a vehicle o 1 any kind. lu Fits.—lf a person fall in one, Id him remain on the ground, provided his far! be' pole, for should it be fainting, or temporary suspensico of the heart's action, you may cause death by raising bins up right or bleeding; but if'the face /eject or dart colored, raise him on his seat, throw cold ;rater on his head immediately, and send for a surgelin and get a yen opened, oriatal pressure on the brain may ensue. In hanging or drotottiof, expose the , cheat aoi quickly as possible and, throw ice water over it whilst the body is kept in a sitting petition. Ciddren an Convulsions.—Deluge the -bead with cold-water and Fit the feet into warm water, till Medical aid can be procured. Poisoti.—Give an emetic of a teaepoonful of mustard dour in a teaspoonful of warm water every ten minutes, till vomiting etirme or medical "aseis- tenon t 3 obtained. Burns and Sailtb.-Let the bovnt part he bath ed in a mixture of turpentine, and olive oil, equal' parts, till the pain abater, then dreia it with ti com mon create, end defend tt from the air. —Nen; York Parweer and Mechanic. 'now ,To VDT -ASPARAGUS. gar hi passing through our markets in asparagus time, , we find immense displays. of that article, which is just about as fit fur eating as would be rolls of hedghog quills boiled. Nevertheless it /nob beautiful—so white and clear. The writer of this sent it small quantity to market last season, but found great difficulty In disposing a it. The stems were absolutely green ! But after baying it tried there was a clamorous demand for " more" like it, Cut your arparagus even with the satiate of the ground. The white portions cannot.be eaten—why should the trouble be hid of 'boiling and buttering them? 'When the stems hive had &sufficient eF p..)?ure to the air to become green they will cook tender ; but they should not be allowed to grow too long—six inches or so i long e nough..—pr d rie Farmer. - HINT FOR HOIISEHEEPICII3. The following suggestions, which we 6Fid in an exchange, maybe of service to some of our lady'readere. Stair carpets shoulifalways have a slip of paper put under them-at and.over the edge . of every stair, which is the part where they biat wear out, in order to lesson the friction of the car pets against the boards beneath. The, strips should be within an inch or two as lon as the carpet is wide, and about four or Eve inches in breadth, so as to lie a short distance from each stair. This simple plan, so easy of rieciOion, will prenrre a stair carpet belles loni; again as it Would Ms.t with out the strips of paper. THE CHERRY SLUG. I Thb. !arca, which eats the pulpy part of the leaf of the cherry, and sometimes of other Iruit trees, is mot.: effectually routed Ly a sprinkling of !tine. Air-slacked lime, applied la the deiv of the mprning, usually accomplishes the dratted pur• pJee. Dry, water-(lacked lime, taken fresh, is 'still 'etter, being more caustic. WHITEWASH. 17" Mix your wach ready to be applied to the wall., then mic a gill of good wheat flour in a very Wile cold water, and pour on boiling water till :t thicken.;--add it to the wlniewnab white hot, one stir the whole well togethei. Thia wads will n o t rub off, and retains iti fierhnes• for many. month:, A SECRET won Tit, KNOWING. IMP Boil three or tour onions with a pint of wa• ter. Then with a - gilding brush, go over your glares and frames, and rest assured that the dies will not light on the article washed. This may be used without apprehension, and it will not do the les.l intury to the frame!. iHOW TO COOK A POTATO Nrivh, it well: but let there be neseraping. Al theihiclest end cut offs piece the piss: pence.: This is the filfety valve through which the steam escapes, end all rents m the skin are thereby' prevented, Jut al the valve prevents a rupture in the t•teern 3niarmntion for I .. be opit, OR TILE PLAIN " WILY" AND BECArSr." Pr WHY is IT REQT , IgITE to devote whole plan tation, of Mulberry-trees to the culture of sill:- worm , * ? liecau