,A., ,4...
ilinrlSß)a,' 1 - ;"znifi'it' '' ,- ,:;6•1‘ ,
. .
, .
. . , 1
~ m. .... ,•,,
E. B. HAWLEY, Proprietor.
§uointio Sado.
LITTLES & BLAKESLEE,
Attorney* and Counsellor* at Law. Offiee the one
beretolore occupied by !LB- & 4.1. P. Little, on Wain
- lama. Montrose, P . (APHIS).
IL M. LITTLI. 010. n LITTLIL Z. L. BLILLISLLL.
g. MCKUCIII. 0. C. FAVII.M. W. H. mcc..
FAUROT & CO.
Dealer. In Dry Good*, Clothing, Ladles and Wyse,
fine Shoes. kleo, agents for the great American
Tea and Coffee Company. [Montrose. Pa.. ap.
CHARLES N. STODDARD,
Dealer In Boots and Shout. flats and Caps. Leather and
Flndlnlys, Mato Street. nd door below Seerle's Hotel.
Work made to order. and repairing done neatly.
Mastreae. Jan. 1,18:0.
LEWIS KNOLL.
SHAVING AND HAIR DRESSING. •
Shop In the new Poatofileo hnilding, where he will
be found ready to attend all who may want anything
told. line. Montrose. Pa. Oct. IS. 1383.
P. REYNOLDS,
AUCTIONEER—SeIIs Dry Goods, and Merchardte—also
attends at Veadues. All orders left at my house .111
receive prompt attenthm. [Oct. 1. 1169—tr
0. M. HAWLEY,
DEALER In DRY GOODS, GROCERIES, CROCKERY
Hardware, Rata, Capp, ilootp.Sboes, • .•-• • Made Cloth
tam Punta, OM, etc., New Milton!. Pa. • . h. 413.
DU. S. W. DAYTON,
PHYSICIAN & SURGEON, tenders his milers to
the citizens of Great Bend and vicinity. Offiene est his
residences. opposite Bunn= Hons., Sr% Deed vitiate , .
Sept. Ist, [S'9.—tf
LAW OFFICE
CIUMBEItLIN & McCOILUK. Attorneys and Coun
sellors at Law. Office In the Brick monk over the
Bank. Plontroee Ann. 4. 1969.
Caaantanaxs. . J. IL hicCoaark.
A. & D. R. LATHROP,
DEALERS in Dry Goods, Groceries.
mockery and glassware, table and pocket erdiery.
Paints, oils, dye stuffs, Bats. boots and shoes, utile
/cattier. Perfumery dte. Brick Block, adjoining the
Bank, Montrose. [ August tt IMA.—tf
A. LLTIIIIOP. - • D. B. Lauuror.
A. 0. WARREN,
ATTORNEY A . LAW. Bounty, Rack Pay. Pension.
and Erem co Claims attended to. Mee fir
007 below Boyd ' s Store, Idontrose.Ps. jAn. 1, 'GS.
W. W. WATSON.
ATTORNECT UT LAW, Montrose, re. °Mee with L
F. Fitch. , [Montrose,
NI. C. SUTTON,
Auctioneer, and Insurance Agent,
Priendevllle, Ps
C. S. GILBERT,
411.u.c.Iticazzoor.
'Genial Bend, P.
TT. dB.
apgl Mt(
AlEll EL V,
V. El. ALVlZt.i.t>22.oo3r.
Aug. 1, 1130, Addrons, Brooklyn, Pa
JOHN GROVES,
FASHIONABLE TAII OR, Montrose, R. Shop ov.
Cbandler's Store. AP order, In Ent-rue atyl
...Ming done on short nollea and warranted to dt.
w. w. swim,
CABINET AND MAUR iteaurpecTuusus. - P• 01
tallith street, Montrose, Pa. Arrz. 1. DO.
H. BIIBUITT,
DILLIJIRIn Staple and Fang Dry Goods, Crocker)
Itardwire, boa, Stoves, Oro es. Oils, and Palma,
boots and Shoes, Haut Caps. Furs, Metal o Rubes
eiloweartea.Proslelolla.r.:r... New Milford, Pa.
DR. E. P. HIVES,
ass perinsoestJy located at Friendsvllle for the Fins
pose apts.:tieing medicine and surgery in all It.
brasebas. Be may be found at the Jackson House.
011iee boars from Ba. at- to P. m.
rriendscille. Pa.. Aug, 1. 1869.
STROUD & BROWN,
.
FIRE &MD LIPS tasua.orcu ACIMPS.
toislnesi attended to promptly. on lair terms. Office
Snit door comb f • Montrose not.e.L . wet g l. side o.
Public Avenue. o Mendrose, Ps. [Au. 1. teak.
BnAnian SMtoon. Cruz:ass L. Buolni.
JOHN SAUTTEIt,
EZSPECTPULLY announces that be is DJW
=to ant all kinds of Darnents in the mos.
stile Style, te flt with elegnt,
nd wan. Shop overthe Post OMee. llontroas,Tß
WA[. D. LUSH,
ATTOILVIN AT LAW. Dloutroee, Pa. Ofßee appa
site the Tarhell House, Dear the Court UM*,
Aug. 1. 193A—tt
DR. W. W. SMITH,
DEMIST. Rooms over Ployd d Corwin', and
ware Stara. Od boars from.) a. m. to p. m
Kontrose, Aug. 1, 199.—tf
ABEL TIBUELL,
DRAM In Innos, Patent Medidnes. Chemical.
Liquors, Paints, s,Dye Muffs. Varnishes, Win
MOM Grater' Glass Ware, Wall and Window Pa.
per, Stoae.Ware. Lamps. Berereee, Machinery Oil..
illases. Guns, Ammunition. Knives. Spectacles
Waahes, Panes Goods, Jewelry, Perth re.
beteg Mae of the most EIMOCTOUP. and
"minable collection' of Goods In STIOOIRILOOOS C 0..-
Matiblisbed In 15118. (Montrose, Pa.
D. W. SEARLE,
Arrortray ATLAW. rafts clear the Stare of A.
Lathrop, In the Brick Block, Montrose, Pa. [Berta
DR. W. L. RICHARDSON,
rairsicum a SURGEON. tenders ht. profesehanat
services to the Citizens or Montrose and vicinity.—
Mike at tits realdonne. on the corner east of Say,.
Mom Foundry. Virg. 1. 186 n.
DR. E. L. GARDNER,
Feriumen 81:11161:0151. Montrose, Pa.
and
imperial attention to diseases of the Beast and
Longs and all Beretta] diseases. Otfloe over W. B.
. Weer Boards at Searle's Hotel. tee:. 1. ille3
BVR%S & NICHOLS,
ADM - 10 Drugs, Medicises. Chemicals, Die
go ass, Paints, Oita, Varnieh, Liquoin, Biters. Fano'
sn_ues,Patent Medicines. Perromes7 and Toilet Ar
ticles. • EirPresertpttons earerally componoddL- . .
Peelle Avenue, above bearle's Hotel. Montrose, Ps
A. B. Booms, - Aston lcltcuos.s.
An. 1. 180.
DS E. L. HANDUICEL,
illYslcLas a 13118GE01 1 1. res —patthlly tenders bl•
zn i = i sal . serriees to th e clams of PrtendsriDe
Mos Intheolnee of Dr. Leo
Ilosards of i. , Ans.l,2MM.
-PROF. MOURIM,
Ins Mel niatter.. returns bt. thanks for the tge . ct i
hiTtlthat boa enabled hlm to set the hen
Inte'nt time to ten • the whole story. bat come
and eee Ibt yottteetee 111T'at, the Old Stand. No loud
liateth* snowed In the shop. Mail tn. MI
-
AroylsTaY.
Wee Inward °Mot Tee obscrEbow,th °Pother dental work
sbotthltall at the affix* ante t wbo ore ins
p Parlo do r alll
n &o p n i t to
th m rw o M n
I thnotiot.
setts of teeth cool& Oyer. or aluminum plate • Vith il
lireetou's cast conspoeltion t the two tatter referable to
allWitokatper tutothuries aaw used tor to Ones.
arrow, perilous ovulated, and made to grow in
satand shape.
.rbe advantage of Midair work done by perotanenthr 10-
ailed and responsible punier, must be apparent to all.
MI wort watueauxl. Please call and examine mos+
bwoot=te work at oar 0111CO3 COW Boyd a COD
fiud-
W. W. MOTU m BUM&
Altd. i& sees.—tf
GOLD JEWELRY.
Isv o rd .w isswanfil. mum.
Rods fonsa.
The liousekeeper's Tragedy.
One day, in I wandered, I heard a complaining,
And saw a poor womamthe picture of gloom ;
fibe glared at the mud on her doorstep ('tans
raining),
And this WWI her wail as she wielded the
broom.
"Oh, life in a toil, and love is a trouble,
And beauty will fade, and rtches will flee,
And pleasures they dwindle, and prices they
double,
And nothing is what I could wish it to be.
There's too much of worriment goes toe bon
net;
There's too much onnuting gam to a shirt ;
There's nothing that pays for the time you
waste on It;
There's nothing that lasts tI3 but trouble and
dirt.
"In March It Is mud ; slush In December ;
The midsummer breezes are loaded with dust;
In Fall the leaves litter ; In muggy September
The wall-paper rota and the candlesticks rust.
There are worms in the cherries and slugs in
the roses,
And ants in the sugar, and mice in the pies;
The rubbish of spiders no mortal supposes,
And ravaging roaches, and damaging dim
It's sweeping at six, and its dusting at' i seven ;
Its victuals at eight, and its dusting at nine ;
t's potting and panning from tea to eleven;
We scarce break our fast ere we're planning
to dine.
" With grease and with grim, from corner to
centre,
Forever at war. and forever alert,
No rest for a day, lest the enemy enter;
I Tend my whole time in a struggle with dirt.
" Last night, in my dream, I was stationed for
ever
On a little bare ide in the midst of the sea ;
My one chance of Ilfe was a ceaseleas endeavor
To sweep off the saves ere they swept off
poor me!
•' Alas! 'twas a dream—again I behold it !
I yield! I am helpless my fate to avert r
She rolled down her sleeves; her apron she
folded;
Then lay down and died, and was buried in
dirt.
!Medical Revenge.
I loved her and she knew it well;
She'd make a careful diagonosk,
And gave me likes naughty belle,
Her smiles in very little doses.
1 sent her notes and little rhymes,
With bottles of bar father's tonic ;
And I had told her many times
1 loved her—so the case was chronic.
She ortened me-1 need hardly say
That oft In anguish 1 would leave her;
Aly love would ebb and flow each day—
A sort of intermittent fever.
I used all remedies I knew—
Took stimulants and then tried lees;
But no refrigerants would do,
The case was one eternal crisis.
I had a rival--woe is me ;
The fact I must, perforce, acknowledge—
A. hommapathist was be—
A wretch who - never passed the college;
And though I often call him quack.
lie used to say how much I taught him ;
But laughed at me behind my, back,
With her—l knew It, for I caught him.
We were good friends fn outward gabse.
For in the village we were fixtures ;
And to such heights did friendship rise.
We even took each other's mixtures
Of that arrangement rd the best;
His globules were a harmless present;
But the poor fellow oft confessed
My compountik were by no means pitman t.
We used to take long walks with her—
We two who loved her to distraction;
And pleasant smiles her lips would stir—
To us 'twas hardly satisfaction
When Incompatibles agree,
And soda isn't riled by acid,
At that time—not till then—shall we
Agree to love her and be placid !
Eio things went on—the end drew near ;
They came one °somber thee was prouder.
He said in fun that he felt gueer— !
I rose and waved a &lam Powder,
A powder Wrapped in. papas two
I gave him in the loved one's presence,
He took the white one, then the blur,
And died a death of effervescence 1
BREVMES.
—" What's in a name?" A principa l
upholder of giving women " fair play n
England is named Playfair.
—An Indian from the far West,
.a
dreadful savage, wonders how it is that
almost all our women are hump-backed.
—lt is said everything finds its proper
element, but when a man drinks like a
fish be seldom takes to water.
—A female preacher married a couple
in lowa lately. 'At the end of the cere
mony the minister kissed the groom.
—The Japapse clergy pause every 6f
teen minutes in their discourse, and say
to their congregation, "Let as have a
smoke."
—" Follow your nose and you are sure
to be right," may be good advice, bat it is
not every one that cares to be thus nosed
around. '
—Subject for a debating society—
Which can cause the most misery to an
audience, HoKean Buchanan or the
Hutchinson family?
The substitute for the ballot box is
the cradle. Give women one of these pie
ces of thrnitum and they fill not desire
the other.
—An Illinois grale-digger, who buried
a man named .Button, seats bill to his
widoy as follows: ".,Ttstakollosubst.
MONTROSE, PA., 'WEDNESDAY,• AUGUST 10, 1870.
VAIIIEITES.
—A belle does' nt always give the best
one to society.
—What soup would eannilrals prefer?
The "broth eta boy ?" ' •• -
—The kind of punishment Greeley fa
cors—paper hangings. .
—The girl of the period's favorite eve
ning hymn (him) her lover.
—Forney says "The Senate is sound."
It is pretty much all sound.
—When riding on a donkey, what fruit
do you represent? A pear.
—lf you wish to see a woman go off
like a flash, just accuse her of using pow
der.
—One way of giving a man a chance of
rising in the world. Knock him down.
—The bachelor has to look out for
number one—the married man for num
ber two.
—To keep warm of a cold day, women
double the cape,land men double the horn.
" Young ladies of the lower parlor," is
what the kitchen girls of Boston call
themselves.
—A nigger minstrel ought not to be
stiff-jointed ; neither must he be without
bones.
—The beginning of wisdom is to know
nothing. Au uncommon number of peo
ple are around just now who have appa
rently just begun.
—Mothers used to provide a switch for
their daughters from the nearest bush ;
now the daughter gets her own switches
from the hairdressers.
—ln Paris there is a current saying
that where a Frenchman spends the
francs an Englishman will spend twenty,
and an American fifty.
—A member of Sorosis wants to know
why, since New York has a City Cham
berlain, it shouldn't also have a City
Champermaid Y We give it up.
—Considering that the Pacific Railroad
is to become, the medium for transporting
tea eastward, we presume the track is laid
with the T nail.
—lt is generally supposed that old
ocean allows a free passage to eveerybody,
yet it is a fact that there are thousands of
dead heads at the bottom.
—Be careful how you mortgage to the
devil. his notes are all payable on de- !
mand, and there is no telling when he '
may take a notion to foreclose. •
—At Louisville a burglar tied a cork
screw
to the end of a pole and pulled
through a broken window the clothes of
a sleeping occupant of the room, securing I
the pocket money.
—Brigham Young is going to set out
I
two hundred thousand fruit trees, tutu() •
we thought fig( bad enonghpf the nursury !
business - already. " = -.
..,—A cynicol pedagogue giceslt:' - us his
opinion that ladiesuppeir -to 'treat their
waistsl
as vulgar frictions—to be reduced
to the lowest terms. I
—lt is maintained that the most inter-'
esting natural sight that a glazier can
contemplate, is the gleam of early day
breaking through the windows.
—A Yankee, describing a lean oppon
ent, said : " I tell you what, sir,lhat man
don't amount to a sum in arithmetic—
add him up and there's nothing to carry.
—Mayne Reid has declined to read his
own writings in public. This reminds us
of the chap who declined the nomination
of Mayor when nobody had thought of
his running.
—There is absolutely no law against
holding up lampposts and corner houses.,
but young and old who engage in the
work-late at night should understand
that it is quite unnecessary.
—There is said to be in organization of
blood-thirsty young females in lowa, the
object of which is to intimidate men to
discontinue the habit of waxing their
moustaches—they tickle so.
--Paley quaintly observes that the dif
ference between the rich and the poor is
simply this. The poor have plenty of ap
petite, but nothing to eat; the rich have
no appetite, bat plenty to eat.
—The champion old man who is in the
habit of mowing fifteen tone of hay per
day, has turned up thus early . in the sea
son in Indiana. lie is organizing for the
the nest season.
—lt is said that in France there are at
least fifty actors and actresses who pre
tend to be children of the ~, ,r eat Rachel.
If Rachel is " weeping for her children,"
she will have to shed a " right smart" lot
of tears.
—What more precious offering can be
laid upon the altar of a man' heart. than
the first h.ve of a pure, earnest, and affec
tionate girl, with an undivided interest in
eight cornor lots and fourteen three-story
houses.
--A country editor returns his sincere
banks to some unknown friend for thir-
ty sticks of storewood left at his house.
Subscribers are also requested to leave
their names with the wood so that it will
not get mixed, and the proper credits can
be given.
—An inmate of the Middlebury, Vt.
jail told members of the Young Men's
Christian Association, who proposed hold
ing religious Cervices there, that they
might come whenever it was convenient ;
they would always find them at.home.
'—There is a boy living in Woodward
township, Lycomiog county, seventeen
years of age, who is six feet eight inches
high, and weighs over two hundred lbs.
And there is a girl in Middlebury town
ship, Tioga county, fourteen years of age,
and weighs four hund lbs.
—A Pennsylvania negro went to.sleep
with his bead on the railroad track, the
other day. A baud-car came along and
ran over him before it could be stopped,
The nem, however, only complained of
having Ueumniked up, and demanded the
price of astir Wit; or he would sae the
Ceeporadottnader the civil tight* NIL
glioctilautem
Itichntond , * First Calamity.
THE BURNING ON THE THEATRE IN 1811—
THE TERRIBLE PANIC AMONG TILE SPEC
TATOR§ AND A.DORRIBLE LOSS OF LIFE.
The following account of the burning
of the Richmond Theatre on the night; of
Dec. 27th, 1811, will be read with mourn
ful interest in connection with the details
heretofore given of the occident in the
Capitol building in April last. We quote
from the Richmond Enquirer of Due. 28,
1811:
In the whole course , of our existence
we have never taken our pen under a
deeper gloom than we feel at this moment.
It falls to our lot to record one of the
most distressing scenes which can happen
in the whole circle of human affairs. The
reader must excuse the incoherence of the
narrative ; there is scarcely a dry eye in
this distracted city. Weep, my fellow.
citizens; for we have seen a night of vioe,
which scarce any eye had seen, or ear bath
heard, and no tongue can adequately tell.
How can we describe the scene ? No
pen can paint it; no imagination can
conceive tt. A whole theatre wrapt in
Names—a gay and animated assembly sud
denlythrown on the very verge of the
grave—Many of them, oh I how many,
precipitated in a moment into eternity— I
youth and beauty end old age and genius I
overwhelmed in one promiscuous ruin—l
shrieks. groans and human agony in every
shape ii -that is the heartrending scene that
we are called upon to describe. We sink
under the effort, Reader, excuse our feel
ings, for they are feelings of a whole city.
Let us collect our ideas as well as we I
can. On Thursdiry night a new play and
a new afterpiece Were played for the bene- I
fit of Mr. Placide. Crowds swarmed to
the theatre—it was the fullest house this
season—there were not less than 600 pres
ent. Thepiay went off ; the pantomine
began, the first act was over. The whole
scene was before us, and all around us was ;
mirth and festivity. Oh, God! what a )
horrible revolution did tree minute pro
duce. The curtain rose on the second
act of the pantomine—the orchestra was I
in full chorus, and Mr. West came on to
open the scene, when sparks of fire began
to fall on the part of the stage, and .Mr.
Roberson came Out in unutterable dis
tress, waved his hand to the ceiling and
uttered these appalling words:
"The house Is on fire." His hand was
immediately stretch lid forth to the persons
in the stage box to help them on the stage
and aid their retreat in that direction.'
This is all that We caught of the stage,
and the cry of lire, lire, passed with elec
tric velocity through the house—every one
flew from their seats to gain the lobby
and stairs: The scene baffles all descrip
tion, the most heart-rendiug cries pervad- ;
ed the house: "save rue ; save me,' wives ,
ask` !r for their Joisleinds ; females and I
children shrieking, white the garnering
element came rolling on, its curling flames
and column of smoke threatening to de
vour every human being in the building.;
Many were trod tinder foot. Several were
thrownt back from the windows, from 1
which they were struggling to leap. The'.
stairways were immediately blocked up:
the throng was so great that many were
raised several feet over the beads of the
rest; the smoke threatened an instant de-
struction. We cannot dwell on this pie-
ture. We saw—we felt it—like others we
gave ourselves up for lost. We cannot
depict it.. Many leaped from the windows
of the first story and were saved. Chil
dren and females and men of all &scrip-
Lions were seen 'to precipitate themselves
on the grotmd'below. Most of these es- i
taped, though several of these with bro- .
ken legs and thighs and contusions. Most, ;
if not all, in the pit escaped. Mr. Taylor.
the last of the musicians that quitted the
orchestra, finding his retreat by the back- i
way cut off, leaped in the pit, whence he
entered the semi-cireular avenue which
leads to the door of the theatre, and found
it nearly empty. He was the last who es
allied front the pit. How melancholy
that many who were in the boxes, above
and below pushed for the lobbies. Many.
as has been said, escaped through the
windows; but most of ‘them had no oth
er resource . thaii to descend. the stairs.
MaUy escapediu this way, bud so great
was the pressure that they retarded each
other until the devouring element ap
proached to sweep them into eternity.
Several who even emerged from the build
ing were so much scorched that they have
since perished. Sortie even jumped front
the second story windows; some others
had been dreadfully burnt.
.The fire flew with a rapidity almost be
yond example; within ten minutes after
ut caught the whole house was wrapt in,
flames. The colored people in the.gallery, I
most. of tffen4 eseaped through the stairs
cut off from the rest of the house—some
have no doubt fallen victims. The pit
and boxes had but ono common avenue
only through which the crowd could es
ewe, save those oily who leaped through
the wiudow.
But the scene which ensued it is impos
sible to paint—women with disheveled
hair, fathers and mothers shrieking out
for their children, husbands fur their
wives. brothers for their sisters, filled the
whole area on the outside of the building,.
A few who had escaped plunged twain in
to the flames to save some dear object of
their regard, and they perished. The Gov
ernor, perhaps, shared this melancholy
fete. Others were frantic, and would
Faye rushed to destruction but for the
hand of a friend. The bells tolled—al
most the whole town rushed to the fatal
ot
sp.
The flames must have caught to the
scenery from,some light behind. Robert
son saw it when it was uo longer than his:
arm. Young saw it on the roof when it
fintburst, through. Every article of the
theatre was, consumed, as well as the
dwelling house next to it; but what is
wealth m conaparison to the valuable lives
which have gone forever? The whole
t own i s B hronsied in woe. Heads of fam
ilies extingoished forever. . Many
,and
many is the house in which a chasm has
been made that can never, be filled . up.
We cannot dwell on this picture..
The .Enquirer was in mourning for
several ilays.and business as a . general ,
ihh i rmavolputded. tholuno
Dec. 31, 1811, is published biographical
sketches of Gov. Smith and other promi
nent Virginians who lost their lives by
the conflagration. The whole number
who had perished in the flames or died
subsequently of injuries received was sev
enty. The particulars of the sad disaster
occupy many columns in the Enquirer of
December, 1811, and January, 1812.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
A Brief Discourse Upon n Deadly
Enemy of the Boys.
[Never put off till to-morrow what you
eau do day after to-morrow just as well
Franklin.]
This party was one of those persons
w.hum they call philosophers. lie was
twins, being burn simultaneously in two
different houses in the city of Boston.
The houses remain standing unto this day,
and have signs upon them worded in ac
cordance with tho facts. The signs are
considered well enough to have, though
not necessary, because the inhabitants
point out two birth places to the stranger
anyhow, and sometimes as often as sever
al times in the same day. The subject of
this memoir was of a vicious disposition,
and early prostituted his talents to the in
vention of maxims and aphorisms calcu-
fated to inflict suffering upon the rising
generation of all subsequent ages. His
simplest acts also were contrived with a
view to their being held up for the emu
lation of boys forever—boys who might
otherwise have been happy. It was in
this spirit that he became the son of a
soap-boiler; and probably for no other
reason than that the efforts of all future
boys who tried to be anything might be
looked upon with suspicion unless they
were the suns of soap-boilers. With a
malevolence which is without parallel in
history, lie would work all day, and then
sit up nights and let on to be studying
algebra by the light of the smouldering l
fire. so that all other boys might have to
do that also or else have Benjamin Frank
lin thrown up to them. Not satisfied
with these proceedings, he had a fasbion
of living wholly on bread and water, and
studying astronomy at meal time—a thing
which brought affliction to millions of
boys since, whose fathers had read Fmk
pernicious biography.
His maxims were full of animosity to
ward boys. Now-a-days a boy cannot fol
low out a single natural instinct without
tumbling over some of those everlasting
aphorisms and hearing from Franklin on
the spot. If he buys two cents worth of
peanuts his father says, "Remember what
ranklin said. my son: 'a groat a day is
a penny a year,'" and the comfort is all
gone out of those peanuts. If he wants
to spin his top when he is done work his
father quotes: "Procrastination is the
thief of time." If he does a virtuous uc
tion he never gets anything for it, because
"Virtue is
tlll its own re arcs." And
boy is noUCa to death and deprive of
his natural rest because Franklin said
once, in one of his inspired flights of ma
lignity :
"Early to be•d and early to rise,
Makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise,
as if it were any o'Jject to a boy to be
healthy. wealthy and wise on such terms.
The sorrow that maxim has cost me
through my parents experimenting on
me with it tongue cannot tell. The legit
imate result is my present state of general
debility, indigence and mental aberration.
My parents used to hare me up before
nine o'clock in the morning, sometimes.
when I was a boy. If they had let me
take my natural rest, where would I have
been now? Keeping store, no doubt,
and respected by all.
And what an adroit old adventurer the
subject of this memoir was ! In order to
get a chance to fly his kite on Sundae' he
used to hang a key on the string and Sundae,
on to be fishing for lightning. And a
guileless public would go home chirping
about the "wisdom" and the "genius of
the hoary - Sabbath-breaker. If anybody
caught him playing "mnmblcpeg" by him
self after the age of sixty, he would im
mediately appear to Is• mithering out how
the grass grew—as if it was any of his
business. My grandfather knew him
well, and lie says Franklin was always,'
fixed—always ready. If a body, during
his old age, happened on him unexpected
ly
when he was catching flies, or making,
mud pies, or sliding on a cellar door, he
would look wise, rip out it maxim, and
walk off with his nose in the air and his I
cap turned wrong side before, trying to
appear absent-minded and eccentric. He
was a hard lot.
Be invented a stove that would smoke
your head off in four hours by the clock.'.
One can see the almost devilish satisfae
tion he took in it, by his giving it his
name.
He was always proud of telling how he
entered Philadelphia for the first time
with nothing in the world but two shil
lings in his pocket, and four rollsof bread
under his arm. Slit really it was nothing.
Anvlody could have done it.
To the subject of this memoir belongs
the Minor of reeommending the army to
go back to bows 1111(1 arrows in place of
bayonets and muskets. 1-Ic dbserved with
his customary force that the bayonet was
very well. under circumstances; but he
doubted whether it could be used with
accuracy at long range.
Benjamin Franklin did a great many
notable things fur his country, and made
her young name to be honored in many
lands as the mother of such a son. It is
not the idea of this memoir to cover it
up. No ; the simple idea of it is to snub
those pretentious maxims of hiss which
he worked up with a great show of origi
nality out of truisms that had become
wearisome platitudes as early as the dis
persion from Babel, and also to snub his
stoves and his military inspirations, his
unseemly endeavor to make himself eon
spicuons when Ire entered Philadelphia,
and his flying kite and fooling away his
time in all sorts of such ways, when he'
'Might to have been foraging for' soap-fat,
'or constructive candle. I merely desired
to do away with somewhat of the prevail
ing calamitous idea among . the heads of
families that Franklin acquired his genius
by moonlight, and getting up in the night
instead of waiting until morning like a
Obristian,and. tiutt this programme rigid
ly infliettutwillAtake a Frunklin•of every
VOLUME XXVIiiwNIIMBER.O%
father's fooL It is time these , gentldinen
were finding out that these exclable ec
centricities of instinct and conduct are
only the evidences of genius,, not the er
ectors of it. I wish I had been the father
of my parent's longenongh to Make them
comprehend this truth, and than: prepare
them to. let their son have an easier. time
of it. When I was a child I had t 9; boil
soap, notwithstanding my father. was
wealthy, and I had to get up early and
study geometry at breakfaist, and peddle
my own poetry, and do everything just as
Franklin did, in the solemn hope that I
would be a Franklin some day. And here
I am.—.lfitrk Twain, in llto Galaxy.
" Taller Dogs."
MARL; TWAIN S DISTORT OF TILE FOUNDER
OP TUE FAMILY AND RIB ILEUM
When Ncah disembarked at Ararat he
had scarcely touched the pier when he
proceeded to tally his FELBf4eDseys: He hod
just checked his last item in the list-a
Mr. and Mrs. Bedbug—when the cring
ing figure of a quadruped came sneaking
down the gang plank with his tail be
tween his legs.
" Drat it, if there ain't that "slier dog!"
says Noah, aiming a vicious kick with his
brogan at the brute. But with a facility
born of a long and bitter experience, the
bnite dodged the projectile, and ejacula
ted " ki-yi," which is Syriac for "declined
with thanks," or " not for Jo"—be disap
peared, while Noah, who had his sea legs
on, was made to recover his equilibrium,
on the back of his head.
Noah arose, and, in accordance with the
style prevalent among the patriarchs, be
proceeded to soothe his affronted dignity
by pronouncing a variegated anathema
upon the yaller dog, which had character
istically sneaked unobserved on board, in
the confusion of putting to sea, and cal}-
sized theCaptaitaat 'the first port.. He
cursed that dog in body, limb, hide, hair •
and tail, and all his generation, relations.
and, kindred, by consanguinity, and his
heirs and assigns.
With this curse sticking to him' like a
revenue stamp, the, yaller dog.canti,lielp
being cussed. don't try, to help
it He is an Ishriiaelite among dogs. Be
receives the most oppressive eminesieg,in
the form of brickbats, boots and hot wa
ter, which makes his life an animated tar
get excursion. lie boards around like a
district school teacher, and it is meal time
with him twenty four hours in the day.—
'l'he rest of the time lie bankers after
something to eat. He is too omniverous
fur an epicure. Cram him at Delmonico's
and he would hunger for dessert at an
Albany boarding house.
He can't be utilized. Ile is too dead.
As a swill cart locomotive, a hunter, or a
sentinel, he is an ignominious failure.—
The dog churn was a stralagic attemptio
employ his waste energies, but butter had
tor most, ne...2.5" 1 . ;.
perenasion.
No srausa,o maker dared foreclose his
lien on the yaller dog, lest his customers
transfer their patronage to some less au
dacious dealer. lie has escaped the saus
age maker.
He always manages to belong to a rag
ged, tobacco chewing, whiskey drinking
master, whose business is swapping dogs
and evading the dog tax.
Ile is always pervaded with a liang-dog
expression of guilt, and when retributive
tin ware is fastened to his tail he flies
" from the wrath to come" with a terrible
sincerity.
The yeller dog is—well to speak in ital
ics, he is a slough.
The Direct of Diet.
Dieting is 'usually considered. to inn
the Same thing as a kind of temporary
starvation. The idea which the educated
physician attaches to the tertri,,ii
ions regulation of the quantity and quali
ty of the food, according to the circum
stances of each ease. A healthy 'Man may
diet himself to keep well; an invalid ihav
diet with a view to the recovery of his
health •, yet the things eaten by the two
will widely differ in their nature!, bulk
and mode of preparation.
A vast multitude nro suffering hourly'
by the horrors of dyspepsia ; no two are
precisely alike in all points, since there isl
an endless variety of combinations a to.
ate, set, occupation and temperament—
let
dyspepsia is always brought bu by
over irregular eating; it could be banish
ed from the world in a generation if the
children were educated to eat properly—
that is, moderately, regularly and slowly;
the parents who do this will their chil
-1 dren a greater good than by leaving them
large fortunes, which in three eases out
of four foster idleness, gluttony, and eve
ry evil thing.
As the rich can get anything to eat or
drink whenever they want it,' they, with
I indulged children, bring on dyspepsia. by
eating irregularly, and without an appe
tite. The poor—those who have to work
for a living—induce the horrible disease
I by eating too rapidly and at miseasonabh
I boars ; mainly by eating heartily at sup
per, and going to bed within an hoer r or
two afterward. _ _
In the heyday of youth and manly vig
or there nmy' not for a time be 'noticed
any special ill•effeot from anch u fmtetice
—in truth, it is at first inappreciable; but
it is cumulative, and impossible not to'
manifest itself at some time.'" " •
r- ff -.lt. is Stated that Gen. Sigel is 'get
ting ready and will lead 20,000 Germans
in a descent on.:tlic Erncli coast. If so,
it is a .violatiou of,tho neutrality laws and
our stupid President will be called : upon
to interim.. if Germans or.. Frenchmen
wish to volunteer they eau do so bygoing
to their respective countries. Organized
expeditions from this country, on either
side, should not and probably will not. be
tolerated.
Charles Diokens lived longer than
Shakspeare. who died at 53 ; than Byron,.
who died at 37 ; than Thackeray, who
died at 52 ; than Burns, who died_ at , 37
and was oneyearyoung,er than gaeaulay ,
who died at 59. ••- •
—One of our Wryer's vaatures to.aasert
thatt aourting ia not Otogetlmo 10tor of
love.
• •
vac. mms is . tinntict4
There is tumult In the helmet",
There's clockin' on the tint
Ts this a fore! proceedia l o ' , , -
.0r b't A 14,0' 00
Methints ntAiftlq
' What's thhi? Some actirgn hetet
"The ;Peelle' Haut' cotivestito-!..
- Nith . rooster need splielir."
Lash 1 what a fearfhl tate ;
nt stand here by the door 4—
An ancient hen is doglike,
And 'nod she has the Boer.
Her neck looks lather wlthered 6
Fier feathers much decayed;
That net) . Is slightly redder
Than when she was a maid.
Out spoke thbi ancient layer—.
Her voles was thin and shrill—
My sisters, 0 my sisters;
This row
,nriU mak' me UI:
Ye ken rm'no` a chicken,
"I'm twenty-one the day"—
"Her twenty I—eic a lee-er
I heard O wee hen say.
"The subject of my lecture
Is on oor rights, ye hen—
'Tie time that we were crowin',
As sure as PM a hen.
Too long has we been hatchiu'
For Ither 14iople's shelve s
The time's arrived, my sisters,
To hatch eggs Gor ootsela.•
"Shall we gie n' oor scraplns ,
To feet azdtttir's ,
And line him drawl& mere us
A stoppin' o' oor jaw?
Let us be slaves one longer,
For better let us die"—
"I want to be a rooster,"
heard a'malden cry.
'I hate the stuck up monsters,
Whasutd, and Fame. and fret: : 0
And think that we pair females.' '
Are only ituule'to pet '
_ rhapk..guidttess.llummnrer ' Lit
Yet listened to their crow"—
vmlMentise?' remarked
."Ye never had A beau."
"When we shall hae Senate,
Composed o female brains,
To legislate on bonnets,
And regulate our trains,
We'll hoe oor lawyers: doctors,
Our commerce and oor trade,
And cut the horrid monsters"-
' "Don't see It," said our meld.
"Of course we can't ignoretb!ntli
Altho we cease their yokel
We'll keen some bonnie roosters
Wha'neither drink nor smoke.
Noo hand round • the saucer;
We've finished for tacky.- -
Three chick ' r female sufl"ktge
- 1.4.1111.0
Upon the spar below
An ancient spyin' rooster
Sot up an awfu' crow—
" Gang home, ye clockin granola,
Ye've pot per wark to do—. •
• Gang haute and mind the chickato.-
A-cook-ailoodle-do r
A lahlnlsh • Legand.
It is an old legend of - the Ithin'ethat
every,Spring when the juices of the- vine
begin to start and vine-dresser goes forth
to, his , . work' !luta On). bruP l 4 o 4
Charlernagin; winks yearly ttp and &Min
rurieng his , vine'yerds, scattering his
sings on the'gtirderfs and flelds;" So the
peasant goescherrilr forth to train, -and
-prune and plant,: thinking all the while
how* well his work will please his . , great
sovereign. The larger the vintage and
the more copious the flow of sparkling
wine, when it is pressed from the tortured
I luscious fruit, the more he considers the
King has blessed him.
Re know it is but an idle legend. But
the husbandman who goes forth in God's
love and fear and plants and BOWS that
which will be b blessing to mankind, , may
know that hitt SOvereign-fioes .walk vp
and.down his fields and scatter. hlessinp.
He can pray with a clear conscience for
such a blessing, for he knowi he is &ring
&good work. He is planting that Which
will feed the hungry, and add comfort
and cheer to the hearthstone. But who
can .ask God's blessings on products rail
ed only to be brewed into nauseous beer,
which should sink its partaker to the
brnte's level; or on beantilields of waving
grain, which are raised only to be de
vonn:d by the worm of the still ; or eve 9
on beautiful clusters of purple grapes,
which are only to be "trodden in the wine
press?
Oh, it is better to eat our dry crust than
to fare sumptuously every day on money
earned in such crooked ways. Such fields
have no blessings of the Master upon
them. 'Prosperity attending them is only
a seeming good. Soon it will end in `the
blackness of despair.
4111.
Salutary Filects of Laughter.
Laughter' is always acknowledged to be
very healthy and especially helpful to the
digestive organk ond lately. it mils . to
-have had; exceptionally benefloent *Acta.
A Scotch paper, reported a few week!
"since that a farmer couvnlsed by the rid
bi° ration& of Lard Pundreary, as inter ,
'pretelby Mr. Southern, had nnualiekue .
an obtrusive !half isovereign which •SUM
successfully resisted, the persnasiva art at
scientiiio.surgeons in Edinburgh;
„
and an lonian paper now records a 110211'00.
less salutary result achieved by - similar
rums on an old Bengal 'Many
! This veteran was at the point of death,
owing to an abscess in his liver, : when,
I fortunately for him, he read, a !Teich of
the commander-in-chief expressinghis be.
lief in liie ahaohite perfection of-tho . na
dye. army in India, as at resent; organis
ed. The reenitwas a. fit of laughter that
the, abscess gave , and his life was
saved.
Nr"Dad; have you been tollormuse
nm said a ten year old boy. "No, my
son.", "Well go, and mention 'my . name
`to the 'door-keeper, and he'll take you
round and show you everything."
`Young .folks grow most when in
love. it inortleottion: eigb4. 1011404141
.11D r;d)