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FciLfr " ' AN INDEPENDENT FAMILY NEWSPAPER. : ' " ,' SSf
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Vol. VIII. New Bloomfiold, Pa., TucNday, October 20, 1874. IVo. 42.
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Fur the Illooiuncld Times.
Did She Do It?-
fcEUTAINLY you must marry
y every body ought to, that has a
chance, and I wouldn't pay you so poor a
compliment as to suppose that you couldn't
have, auy time, just such a chance as you
might choose. But when you do marry,
darling, be sure to marry a fool."
, "My dear aunt !" ' '
V Certainly, child. By tho time you
have been unfortunate enough, like myself,
to have had three husbands, you will need
no explanation of my advice ; but a that
can't possibly be for a good while, and,
indeed, may never be, I'll give you my
reasons before-hand. I am not bo Billy as
most people, to think that if a girl merely
gets a man with good fortune, good con
nections, good appearance, and good man
ner, she is marrying well. No, no a hu
tnan bolng, - especially a wohian, can't be
perfootly happy unless she has her own
way in everything, and no man 1b likely to
give a woman her own way, unless be is a
fool." . ' .
" Therefore, to be porfectly happy, a
woman must marry a fool 1 my dear aunt,
you are so delightful 1" , , ,
"Hush, Clara 1 don't be so giddy it is
no laughing matter, I assure you. If a
man has any sense, or, what's pretty much
the same thing, fancies he has, it gives him
such a conceit of himself, that be is quite
blind to his wife's, though, ten to one, she
has a great deal more than he has as you
would thave, Clara, if you were married to
any man I know of. . I have bought this
experience dearly enough, for, of my three
husbands, none was exactly of tho right
sort. 1 had my choice, too, out of a dozen
each time, which . was natural, as I was
woman of property, but I hadn't learned to
" see deeply into such things. 1 here was
your uncle Crumpsey you would have
thought that tho world went by tho wag of
his tongue. It was nothing but philanthro
py, patriotism, general Improvement, public
good, grand systems, and important sug
gestions, with him. All sorts of people
, oame to him for advice, from the candi.
dates for mayor, down to the inventors of
patent washing-machines, and discoverers
of infallible rat destructives, and after he
had harangued and dictated and laid down
the law. of course he must put hia hand
' into his pocket to pay the expense of carry
ing out bis sentiments, and it was my mon
ey that was forthcoming. I couldn't help
seeing how the money went, though I never
complained exoept by hints I was too
good a wife for that but if he had lived
much longer than the honoy-raoon "
, ' . f'.Tbe honey-moon, auiity 1" , J
" Yes, child, the honey-moon sometimes
does last four or five years, when there's no
children or any other serious dispensations
of Providence ; if be had lived much longer,
as I was going to ssy, I . should certainly
have lot him hear my mind about it,
Never marry a smart-talking roan for the
world." u ,
. " And what sort of sense had my next
-uncle, aunty?"- 1 j '
" Your uncle Dideuhoover why, his ran
altogether in the way, of books and JjM
losopby. He never cared a fig for the pub
lic good, 'which was one virtue in him 5 but
instead of that be had a provoking turn for
enlightening mo.,. Whenever J at down
.. beside him, thinking to have a comfortable
'chat about my neighbors, my property or
my Indoors domestic affairs, he was sure to
' branch off to the Greeks, .Romans, Trojans
vund wild Indians. You might have nn
derstood him, my dear, after going through
all tli arts and sciences at Doctor Drum
'good's, like a good girl, you can talk like
a ' book, are pretty much of a philosopher
yourself j . but to me it was aY tedious as if
he had been saying grammars and English
readers by heart. , Though he had all tho
learning of the Egyptians and King Bolo-
n, 1 never could mako him remember
how to give a receipt, and tho only time 1
could persuado him to collect a rent for me(
he lost it before ho got home had his
pocket picked at a second-hand book auction
while he was bidding against himself on an
old Dictionary. I had tho honor or having
a philosopher for a husband, but honor and
happiness are two different things. If 1
wished him to spruce up a littlo and come
out of his Btudy to see company he was a
portly, fine looking man, or I wouldn't
have fancied him as likely as not he made
his appearance with a boot on one foot and
a slipper on the other, his wig turned hind
side before, or a woolen skull-cap hanging
by its strings round his nock. The vory
servants mado a butt of him, and once
when they had the impudence to fill his
snuff-box with coffee grounds, instead of
seeing into tho trick, and rateing them for
it as they deserved, he expressed his aston
ishment, in their presence, at the curious
chemical phenomenon presented by his
Maccaboy. There was a sensible man for
you 1 Ho was kind-hearted and peaceable,
though, I wouldn't bo recalling his faults,
if I had not your good so much at heart
but between you and mo, Clara Burncy, the
ouly real satisfaction I had of that mar
riage was in receiving the ten thousand
dollars paid roe as his life Insurance."
"But my undo Cripps?"
" Well, he was altogether another sort
of a man, and ho got his credit for smart
ness from auother sort of people. His
"acuity was for eating, and ho had as much
learning on that subject as Mr. Didonhoov
er and about pyramids and hieroglyphics,
and Mr. Crumpsey about steam wind-mills.
never knew it, though, before we were
married, for he hod always appeared a nice,
quiet young man, though ratbor too fleshy;
but when we were preparing for our first
dinner-party, tho way the long words rolled
from bis tongue was bewildering. After
awhile I got used to them, and at last
could even go through them tolerably well
myself what do you think, Clara, can be
the meaning of such words as Marcobrun
ner Broneburg, Hintorhauson, Uottenheim
and Rudeshoimer?"
" What do they mean, aunty?"
"Why nothing but sour Dutch wines, to
be sure, and, to try you In French, what's
the meaning of coteUUet en papillolei T" ,
"Cutlets in curl-papers, isn't it?"
"Curl-papers? you are out there-
pshaw ! what a giggler you are, Clara, but
I see you know well enough. I had deter
mined not to . marry a book-worm again,
but I found that Mr. Cripps bad a Bingle
book-shelf that' caused me greater trouble
than husband Didenboover's whole library.
Every volume was about eating, from the
Cook's Oracle down to the Cook's Alma
nac, and every day your uncle rummaged
it from beginning to end, to find something
new to tickle his appetite. ' Then there
were dinners to be given this week, and
suppers the next, and if our cook happened
to be none of the best, why I must have a
finger in every pie myself. 'My dear,'
he would say, ' such an exquisite compound
requires the delicate hand of a lady,' or
'my love, it can have no flavor unless
your excellent judgment is exercised upon
it.' That's the way I was wheedled into
wearing' myself to skin and bone. ' I must
not only find the wherewithal, but I must
sacrifice myself into the bargain. It ag
gravates me yet to think of it."
"But, I suppose, aunt, you found .his
company and conversation rather more
congenial than those of my learned uncle
Didenhoover ?" ( , ,
, "lean t say that 1 did,, child. I was
always too tired poltering about the kitch
en and pantry, and store-room, and scour
ing the market-houses in search of tit-bits,
to have muoh inclination for, company of
any kind, and as to his conversation, as it
was always In the same strain, I - mostly
tried to put a stop to it, for fear it would
lead to further toil and tronblo. . There
were plenty, though, that did find him con
genial and agreeable enough, for the house
was always full, and the table crowded. If
a word full from bis lips, there was always
some one ready to catch it up awl call it
capital." At first; as I said, he was a
nioe, quiet sort of a man would let roe
talk away a whole hour without disturbing
me but when he began t6 entertain com
pany, and found bow his speeches were
received, with, . ' Ah, Cripps,. you are a
droll wag !'-' that , was a good thing of
yours, Cripps, about the siloed; tongue,' or,
'that joke of yours, Cripps, about tbe
deviled kidneys was , rich lot's hear it
agaln-glorious 1' after he had been com
plimented that way during threo or four
dinners, he came to have a wonderful opin
ion of himself. Nothing, in a teasonable
way, could be found good enough for his
dolicato pal p. to, as bis friends called it, and
at last ho got to such a point that ho must
have a ham boilod in champagne It was
the death of him, poor man he took sick
tho night aftcr,and died in three days. I be
lieved thon, and shall always behove, that
it was a judgment for such a sinful waste
of .wine. It's too awful a thing to laugh
at, Clara."
" I was not laughing, my dear aunt."
" Weren't you I surely heard somebody
laugh." ,i
"So did I, but it must have been in the
next room. Bhall I pin your collar?"
" There, that will do now I'm ready for
tho breakfast-bell but to return " .
" Not to interrupt you, aunty, I was
going to say that aB there are so many var
ious sorts of sensible men, it - would bo
strange if there was not au equal variety
of fools. How Bhall I know from which to
chooso?" '
" Leave that to me, child. The 0110 you
want is of the quiet, good-natured sort, ono
who will have sense enough to mako, or
take care of a living, but in other matters
will do Just as you say ; who will not know
one dish from another, will only be able to
tell a largo book from a small one, and will
never speak more than a dozen of words at
a time."
"But is there any probability that I shall
ever meet with such a person ?"
" Why not? It was to give you an op
portunity that I brought you hero, instead
of taking you to Cape May or Saratoga.
Among the one or two hundred peoptu
here it would bo strange if almost any tasto
could not be suited ; and there will be a
bettor chance to find peoplo out than if there
were a thousand coming one day and gone
the next. You, ot course, will bo intro
duced to every body, for though say it
myself, there's not many like you to be
round any where, aud you will bo at no
loss you have uncommon discernment for
one so young it runs in the family. Still,
you might possibly bo imposed upon, and
the best plan will be for mo to look round
among tho gentlemen, and fix upon one
that comes nearest the mark. I can tell
him at a glance, so don't give yourself any
concern. I'll begin at once during break
fast, and if you feel me nudge you, just
watch my eyes, and I'll give you a sign
with my bead so that you may know
whom I have deoided upou. Then we'll
ouly have to get an introduction, and the
whole affair can soon be settled, for with
such a man we can have our own way."
The scene of the dialogue we have record
ed was the chamber of two ladies, at an
agreeable watering-place, and,, fortunately
for our story, the breakfast-bell did not
hurry the fair interlocutors, in preparing
for their first appearance at the publio ta
ble, until the advice-giving was concluded.
The seats were nearly all occupied when
they entered the wide door-way of the eating-room,
and the elder lady advanced
along the far-stretching line of chair backs
with the air of one habituated to the move
ment, elevating, with her right hand, a pair
of spectacles in heavy, chased gold frames,
folded quizzing-glass fashion, and attached
to a rich chain thrown over her shoulders ;
and carrying In the other a silky white nap
kin and a massy silver fork drawn through
an equally massy silver ring. She was evi
dently a woman of substance, in a meta
phorical as well as a literal sense. By the
time they bad reached their places near the
foot of tho table, the Information had cir
culated half way down from the upper end,
that they were the rich Mrs. Cripps and
her beautiful nieoe, and heiress presump
tive, Miss Clara Burney.
" The entrance of the two ladies was im
mediately followed by that of a gentleman,
also a now comer, who had emerged from
an apartment opening into the same lobby
with their own, and who passed down the
eating-room ' simultaneously with them
solves, though on the other side. ' As there
was nothing in his appearance to denote
either the dignitary, the dandy or tho na
bob, he was allowed to make his way with.
out a second ' look from any one. ' He was
rather young than middle-aged, was of the
modium size, and nothing about him look
ed beyond the common medium, though a
very little more attention to his person, air
and dress 'might have rendered him rather
handnome,inHteod of mercly"wull enough,
His seat at 'the table was exactly opposite
to that of Mrs. Cripps. and as he slid
into It, be oast a single glance at her, and
another at . her graceful chargo, and then
looked neither to tho right nor left, but
seemed to have bent all 'his thoughts upon
bis bread and butter. , Clara had met his
eyes, and received an indistinct impression
that they wore dark and fine, though she
was not sufficiently p.truck by them to ques
tion whothor they were gray or brown, but
Mrs. Cripps, after seating hersoir,examined
him as far as she could above an egg
Bteamer, and mentally resolved to look
again. While waiting for her second cup
of oofiee, the old lady raised her glasses and
began her predetermined survey of the
company. It was unsatisfactory until it
returned to her neighbor opposite, and then
the expected nudge was given, accompanied
by a very peculiar and perceptible move
ment of the head. The gentleman seemed,
ut the moment, to bo examining tho table
cloth, and there was a strange quiver of
his eyelids, with an awkward twisting of
the corners of his mouth, which certainly,
to others besides Mrs. Cripps, might have
mado him look vory much like a fool.
Mrs. Cripps was an oddity, aud Clara
was the firBt beauty who had appeared at
the hotel during tho season that is, tho
first very protty young lady of considerable
fortune and fashion, for to be constituted
a beauty the iiiu of one or both of these
adjuncts would bo imperatively necessary
to the most beautiful in the world. "Beauty
when unadorned (is not) adorned tho
most," in our day, whatever it may have
been in that of Mr. James. Thompson.
Their arrival was, therefore, particularly
welcome Mrs. Cripps found several ac
quaintances amongst the habituants of
longest standing, and ' tho morning was
spent ' by her and her niece in receiving in
troductions, during which goldon opinions
were won from all sorts of people by the
sprightly, accomplished, bright-eyed and
sweet mannored Miss Burney.' Among the
candidates for her notice, however, was
not the quiet gentleman of the breakfast
table. Mr; Cripps,' much to her impa
tience, did not see him again until dinner,
when he was again hor tis-a-tig, looking as
modest and harmless as she could have de
sired. She. was gratified to observe that
he ate sparingly, and of the dishes most
convenient to bis hand a proof that be
was freo from one of her three cardinal
failings. ' Sho had kept him so closely in
her mind all the morning that she now folt
familiar enough with him to call upon his
services.
' I'll trouble' you, sir, for a veal-putty,"
said she. '
"They are potatoes, ma'am," said the
stranger, gravely, taking up the knife on
the dish before him.
" Potatoes I perhaps you are near-sighted,
sir." -1
"Not at all," ho replied, iu the same
subdued tone, as ho helped her.
" They are vcal-pattios you had better
try them, sir you'll relish them more than
potatoes."
"All the same to me, ma'am," was the
answer.
Mrs. Cripps looked at him earnestly, and
her incredulousness was exhaled before the
serenity of his countenance. She jogged
Clara with her elbow, and unconsciously
allowed a smile of self-gratulation to rest
on her face. '
"That's tho very man for you.my dear!"
said Mrs. Cripps, scarcely waiting till the
chamber door had closed upon her and her
niece, after they had retired from the dinner-table
; " I knew this morning that he
was one to be examined into, but I didn't
suppose he could come so very near the
mark as not to know veal-patties from po
tatoes. What do you think ?"
" I don't know what to think of that,
aunt, but a man with such a head can hard
ly be a fool."
' "Pshaw! there's nothing in heads,
child," said the old lady, dogmatically ;
" that's just a romantic notion you got into
you at boarding-school. I know it's a com
mon saying, and always has been
Mttle head, little wit, "
UlK bead, less yeU' "
" I don't mean the size of his head, dear
aunt," remonstrated Clara, laughing.
" Then you mean the shape, I supposo,
which is equally nonsensical. . Who could
have told by the shape of my husband
Cripp's head that he would waut his ham
boiled in cbampague? or that he would be
so , bard-hearted as to roast goose alive,
to see if it would swell the liver I tell me
that I In my young days, sumo people bad
a notiou- that there was great meaning in
the way the hair grew .put that whoever
had it growing down iu a point ou the mid
die of the forehead, aud .high up at the
sides, was fore-doomed to be a widow . or
widower; now, hoie .am I, , a widow the
third time, and mine grows low down all
the way .across..', Another sign was, that
whoever bad it growing in two twirls on
top of their heads would see two kiugdoms;
Mr. CruinpBey had adoublo crown, as they
called it, and ho never saw any kingdom at
all, for ho never set foot out of this coun
try, and as your geography must have told
you, America has never been a kingdom
since the Revolution. That ought to bo
enough to convince you that heads don't
signify any thing."
" Then, heads out of the quostion.aunty,
how do you know that he Is single?"
" Of course ho is has he got tho don't
care look with him of a married man ? I
have too much experience of all manuer of
men not to be able to judgo of that. But
to satisfy you, I'll ask old Mr. Dyer, whom
I saw shaking hands with him very hard, as
if ho knew all about him."
" Aud don't forgot to ask his name,
aunt wo ought at least to kuow tho name
of the person over whom our designs aro
pending." ,
Mrs. Cripps did accordingly question old
Mr. Dyer, aud learned that the gentleman
was a Mr. Page, that he was unmarried,
and that, in tho words of tho informant, ho
was "a worthy, rcspectablo, orderly man."
Further than that she did not inquire,
being satisfied that her own sagacity was
sufficient for all othor discoveries.
Tho next morning Clara was promenading
among othor people, on a shaded piazza,
attended by a midshipman named West
over, whoso warrant was of very recent
date, and who was much admired by the
extremely young ladies, on account of bis
uniform, which he wore upon all occasions.
Being the ouly officer of the day, he . had
attached himself to Miss Burney, as the
ouly suitable beau for the only beauty,
and was indulging hor with a vory vocifer
ous discourse, when Mrs. Cripps, who had
been watching with somo anxiety the arch
smiles of hor niece, exclaimed to a lady
near hor, " Just listen to that swaggering
young boatswain ! it is easy to toll that bo
has never been on shipboard by tho way he
talks up to every body ;" and she stepped '
forward to put a check to his' dangerous el
oquonce. ' '
Dear mo, Mr.', westover," said she,
" don't you feel very much smothered, this
roasting weather, with having that thick
blue cloth coat buttoned up to your chin ?
It seems hard that you officers can't be
allowed to make yourselves comfortabfo
like common people. Don't you envy that
gentleman they call Mr. Page, sitting tbero
on the settee, looking so oool in his suit of
white linen? Do you know him?"
"Ho had an introduction to me this
morning-, ma'am he seems a dry, poor
creatnro." '
" Then do introduce Clara and mo to
him we wish to be acquainted with him
for that very reason. We'll go with you
now."
" My dear aunt !" said Clara, drawing
back, " surely you would not " ,. ,
"Hush, ohild, he won't know auy bet
ter," returned the old lady, and holding
Clara with one hand she seized . the arm of
the midshipman with the other, and drew
them up to the confused-looking Mr.
Page. ,
"Mr. Pago, Mrs. Cripps Miss Burney,"
said the midshipman, and tlieu, as no ono
else spoke, Mrs. Cripps even beiug at a
nonplus for the moment, he proceeded,
" any political news in your papers, Mr.
Page? pray, what's your opinion of the
third term principal?"
" That it is a a quodlibet," answered
Mr. Pago, looking up over bis broad brows
into the face of the questioner, without
raising his bead. He had resumed his seat
after making his bows.
The midshipman looked as much posed
as Mrs. Cripps, and then responded, tur
bulontly, " I think it a humbug, sir a de
cided humbug. .
As the midshipman threw forth the well
padded breast of his blue coat, and struck
the perpendicular frontlet of his cap into a
still stiaighter line with bis nose, tho
laughing eyes of Clara were mot by those
of Mr, Page, with a comic expression of
mock appeal that at once placed him on a
more definite point in her estimation. Mrs.
Cripps observed tho glance, and construed
it iu her own fashion. , , 1 t
"Dpn't worry Mr. Pago with any hard
questions, Mr. Westover," interposed sho,
iu a tone of protecting kindness ; " he's not
one to puzzle his brains about politics or
any ,Uiiog else, I'll venture to give ray
word ; are yon, Mr, Page ?" .
- , No, ma'am," answered Mr. Page,
meekly, and, to Clara's apprehension, bi
counteuanoe grew still mora comical.
, With contemptuous look at Mr. Page,
Mr. Westover reminded. himself ot hu en
gagement, ud Clara also mado a wove,
proposing to retreat to tho saloon, but Mrs.
Cripps was resolved not to lose the vantage
sho had gained.' Sho therefore placed her-