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m?rr1 AN INDEPENDENT FAMILY NEWSPAPER. 7''
... .... - - - - t - - - - - - --
Vol. VIII. New Bloomfield, Ttx., Tucsdny, 3Ifiroli 24, 187-1. 7V. 12.
t fjloomfidfc glints.
IB PUBI.I8IIBD EVKHT TUESDAY MOKNINO, BT
THANE MORTIMER & CO.,
At New Itlooinficld, Terry Co., Pa.
Being provided with Bteam Tower, and large
Cylinder and Job-Presses, we are prepared
to do nil kinds of .lob l'rliitinK 111
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ADV EllTISING 11ATK8I
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" I LC7EBCMIE0DY."
A mat ter-of-fact poetical genius says :
" I ovet heard a mooti-Htruck chap, tlio oth
er day, remark that lie loved a certain
young liuiy well enough lo dio for her."
Now I on tomebody very much, and
I'd swear for lior,
I'd tear for her,
The Lord knows what I'd bear for her (
I'd He for her,
I'd slh for her,
I'd drink the Hudson dry for her.
I'd " cuss" for her,
Do"w uss" for her,
I'd kick up a thundering fuss for her,
I'd weep for her,
I'd leap for her,
I'd go without sleep for her.
I'd fight for her,
I'd hiti for her,
I'd walk the street nil night for her ;
I'd plead for her,
I'd bleed for her,
I'd go without any " feed" for ber.
I'd f hoot for her,
I'd boot for her,
A rival who'd come to "suit" for her
I'd kneel for her,
I'd steal for her,
Such is the love I feel for ber.
I'd slide for her,
I'd swim 'guimt wind and tide for her)
I'd dry for her,
I'd cry for her,
But, hang me, If I'd dio for ber.
N. B. Or any other woman.
Jo Denton's Vision.
' A Temperance Story.
JO DENTON was considered an em
inently respictablo man. lie hail
amassed wealth, hu moved in society, pat
ronizi d art and literature, was a pillar in
his church, and dabbled in politics just
enough to smash the party slato when it
did not suit him. We aie not going to
inquire too cloi-oly into Jo's early history,
nor rake over the ashes of the past, nor dig
up the old stepping-stones by which he had
reached his success ; they have for long
years been covered up with the green turf
of respectability; academic groves are'plant
ed above them, the, church has a liberal
pleasant nook, all seemingly unaware of the
foundation it rests upon; mid society claims
the whole as its own. Yet there will be
skeletons in the clqset of memory, if no
where else ; the ghosts of murdered Ban
quos will appear at times and . places Inop
portune ; moral earthquakes will upheave
the wicked eld landmarks of sin, and biing
' to light all that is blde'ius iu a roan' past
life, and show, after all the covering up,
that Bataji has a long time held a mort
gage oil his soul, aud has patiently bided
his time for foreclosure. ' Iu Jo Denton's
case it happened iu this way : ' .
He was accustomed like many respect
able men, to take liischampague and toddy
in company with a Tew congenial spirits,
who together constituted a "Convivial
Club"' eminently high-toned and respect
able, of course. It was not often that any
body called for them during these orgies,
if we may so term them ; but on one oc
casion, when the champagne had sparkled
. with unusual brilliancy until night bad
stolen a kiss from rosy morning, Jo sprang
from bis seat aud said: " Somebody culls
me," and went out of the room. Directly
there came back an unearthly shriek, and
Jo's voice in it's wildest accents, cried :
"Away, damnable shape ! I cheated you
out of your property f It's a lie, you vll-"
lain !'' and in quick, succession followed two
distinct reports of a pistol. Before his
companions could reach the door Jo tum
bled headlong Into the rooin.witli the blood
streaming from his head, and, to all ap
pearance, dead.
"IIo's shot I" cried all in chorus.
On searching outside nobody could be
found ; but thoro was a revolver lying near
the door.
"An assassin 1" cried one.
" Some old cnomy !" cried another.
The polioe were aroused as quickly as
possible, and started in pursuit of the mur
derer.
Whilo they are "working up the caso
wo will follow poor Jo. Can thero be a
doubt in my theological mind wlicro he
went, li unk ns he was and boiling over with
the bluest of blue devils? Closely, then,
we follow him as he presents himself at the
gates of tho Infernal Regions and asks ad
mittance. A demon who acted the part of
door-keeper put his car to tho key-hole and
demanded who was there.
" A friend," answered Jo.
"Advance, friend, and give your name."
"Jo Denton."
"All right," said the demon ; 'Mho Devil
has been expecting you for somo time.
Come right in !"'
As Jo entered, bowing low, tho demon
gave n whistle of astonishment as he said :
" Wcll-u-day, my friend, you aro in a sad
plight; what has happened to your head?"
"Top blown clean off," answered Jo;
"and I'm afraid I'm dono for unless you
folks can help mo."
"I'll announce you to his Satanic Majesty
at once," said the demon, darling away.
Iu a few moments there was a sound as
of a Kansas cyclone, and Satan bounded
into 1 1 io room, filling it with a horrible
smell or gunpowder.
"Why, ld friend Jo 1" cried Satan,
throwing his claws about him, and breath
ing sulphurous Hinoke in his face, " here at
last, old boy, eh ?" mid at the same time
giving him a friendly hug with his tail.
, 'Glad to see you 1 You have done well
played the religious dodgo to perfection,
and for so many years I ha I ha I"
"Fact is, your Sutatilo Majesty," said
Jo, "I didn't mean to come just yet left
my earth'y affairs in an unsettled condition.
My piopeity will nil go to the devil beg
pardon, I mean to say that my family will
be left unprovided for, unless I go buck to
tho earth to settle my business."
" Want to go back to earth," said Satan,
" well, well, you have been a good and
faithful servant, and I'll see what can bo
done. But what's this?" continued Satan,
"top of your head gone? Bless me how
odd you look 1 moral works all gono 1 ha I
hit 1 You can't go back to earth iu that
shape."
"That's just it," said Jo; "I want to
get fixed up for a few years-new top-head."
"Can construct a skull for you," said
Satan, "but won't put the moral works iu
again ; you might give me the slip."
" Well," said Jo, "fix up my skull re-spectable-hke,
and I'll trust to luck to get
it filled up."
" Must make one stipulation," said Satan.
"What is that?"
"That you will not let certain parties
that I shall name occupy any part of your
reconstructed skull."
" What parties are they ?"
" You see your head is off just above
Destrucliveness, as the phrenologists call
it."
" Well?"
" There is a big space to be filled, if I re
construct your skull on the old plan."
"Exactly," said Jo, "and there are
parties waiting to occupy it."
"There's the rub," said Satan; "now I'll
name such parties as must not be permitted
to occupy it."
"Go on," said Jo.
" Well, to begiu with, there's Cautious
ness. I don't want any Cautiousness in
your head ; you might have ruined a great
many more young men if you hud not been
so cautious about the consequences. Next
are Sublimity and Ideality. Though Ide
ality leads a few astray in the matter of ex
travagant dressing, I know slio is my en
emy. Poets, artists, the best wi iters of all
ages, employ Ideality and Sublimity in the
coucepliou and finishing of the best pro
ductions. Sublimity was old John Miltou's
l ight bower in the construction of 'Pari
dise Lost,", in which be painted me in such
forbiddeu colors. I'm not a particular
friend of Sublimity.'
" Well, what more ?"
" There's Conscientiousness. On no con
sideration must Conscientiousness occupy
a place In your bead. That faculty has
caused m more trouble thau all the rest.
It's always Interfering with a man who un
dertakes to serve me. Says Pope :
What cnntcleucedlctntes to be done
Or wiirus nit) not to do,
This, tttucli me more than bell to shun,
That, mors than heaven pursue.'
No, no ; Conscientiousness must not bo
admitted. It's the 'still small voice." If
I could havo my way, I'd leavo that faculty
out of every child that's born."
" You are making a good many vacan
cies. Any more?"
" Yes, there's Hope. I don't want you
to let Hope have even desk-room in your
head. It's always retarded the lost sin
ner's progress to hell. As the poet snys
' Hope springs eternal in the human breast.'
Just as I think I've got a sinner sure, Hope
breathes into his soul an encouraging word,
and away goes my sinner towards tho gate
ol Paradise."
"Surely," said Jo, "that is enough of
the old occupants to exclude- from my re
constructed head."
" No, no," said Satan ; I'm not through
yet. Human Nature must bo excluded. I
ruin people, and especially young people,
by hiding my motives ; and your young
man or young woman who has Human
Nature divines theso motives, find I losn
my prize."
" Still more exclusion ?"
" Yes ; Veneration must he shut out.
Respect for parents and veneration for tho
Supremo Being are bad for ino. It costs a
world ol trouble to counteract their i i f In
ence when they havo taken root in child
hood. Benevolence, too,must bo excluded,
unless, linked, It be so very largo that a
man will client and lio aud steal for the
puiposo of having means wherewith to ex
ercise his Benevolence; but litis is so raro
that I think it had better be excludud.."
"I hope you are near the end of your
proscriptions," said Jo.
"One more," answered Satan, "and a
very important one. It is Spirituality. On
no account allow Spirituality to cross the
threshold of your brain. It's a very "Jacob's
ladder to heaven, and once firmly ensconc
ed into a man's brain, I may as well aban
don him."
" Is that the end ?"
"That will do ; I do not think that what
good will be left can possibly keep you
from me. And now, to close the business,
I must havo a second mortgage on your
soul that you will fill theso vacant places
iu your skull witli such tenants as Dcstruo
tivcnesv, that kills his fellow-man ; Secro
tivuness, that makes men liars nnd thieves;
Acquisitiveness, that guts - money for its
owu sake, and docs no good with it; Com
Laiitiveuess, that is ever the foremost in
quarrels these and their friends aro the
tenants that must occupy your reconstruct
ed skull."
"Your conditions are hard," said Jo,
" and what if I do not fulfill them ?"
"Then I shall call for you at the earliest
convenient moment, and you go back to
earth no more."
"But if I fulfill them ?"
" Then you cau stay upon earth as long
as you choose."
"Thanks, thanks 1". cried Jo; "and
can arrange my affairs."
" Your skull shall be made whole 1"
cried Satan, and without more words his
architects fell to work on Jo's skull. What
with pounding, chiseling, and making the
partitions, they drove him to distraction ;
and to add to his horrible agony and ter
ror, when it was nearly completed the
walls began to settle and the whole con
cern to lurch as if it would fall. Then
came the jack-screws that were put under
to raise it up. The planks upon which to
work them were thrown remorselessly upon
his soft brain, and the power of a hundred
imps applied. Jo yelled in agony as they
turned the screws. At length his skull
was completed, and Jo found himself with
a whole head.
" Now," said Satan, "lie down and rest
yourself bcfoie undeitaaing your journey
to earth for I assure you it is much more
difficult to get out of hell than to get Into
it." -
Following the advice of Satan, Jo laid
himself down in the coolest spot he could
find, and so fatigued was ho with the pain
of the operation, that iu dreams he was
wafted back to earth again. His old com
panions welcomed him, but his heart was
heavy with the thoughts of his terrible
contract with Satan. " How isit possible,"
thought he, " to fill the empty chasms in
my head once the homes of my best and
truest friends with such demons as Satan
would have? . Ah, me! would that I hud
never been born I"
To add to his misery, Conscientiousness
came and wrapped at the door of its accus
tomed home. " I see, friend Jo, thou art
here again. I've been searching for thee
fur and wide, that I might ocoupy my old
place agsin,' although you shut me close,
and stilled my voice when I tried to save
thee flora harm."
" Begone I thou art quite ready to oc
cupy another's property !"
"I tried to find thee," returned Con
scientiousness, "but in vain."
"Avanntl I tell thee, or I will smito
thee to the earth !"
Next came Sublimity and Ideality the
one majestic iu mein, tho other the per
sonification of all that is lovoly in the
graces.
" Here is our dear homo at last 1" and so
saying Ideality threw her arms around Jo's
neck end kissed him. "Now let us go in
to our abiding-place."
"Curse upon you 1" cried Jo. "You
Jicretoo? Away 1 Bring some fiend to
occupy your place, unless ye can decorate
hell with more horrors thau it now posses
ses 1"
"Ideality gathered up hor beautiful
robes and lied iu dismay.
"Satan in this work 1" cried Sublimity,
as he dashed his ponderous weight against
the door of his old home, mid in an instant
was inside.
" Well done !" cried Jo. " You're there
aro you ?"
" Yes, and I'm hero to stay."
' " I'm lost ! I'm lost !' cried Jo.
" No, you're saved !'' cried Sublimity,
"if j on but call in your old friends. There's
Conscientiousness, tho just ; Uopo, that
never despairs ; Human Nature, that cau
tell you the motives of Satan himself; Ven
eration, that looks for help to tho Supremo
Being ; Benevolence, that will wiu your
enemies by kindness, and Spirituality, that
lights up all iu tho daikest hour. Let them
in, and then let Satan win if hu can 1"
"Oh, that's your game, is it?" yelled
Satan, hurling a brimstone hullo at Jo's
head.
" Come, friends 1" shrieked Jo, " quick 1
help against Satan ! Come, Conscience,
Hope, Spirituality I Oh, Jcsu 1 come 1"
" Jo ! dear Jo Don't you know me,
your own wife? Here are all your friends!''
Jo looks for a moment wildly at his wife,
and then falls back upon his bed. Tho
wilduess is all gone.
" Where am I ?" ho at length asks.
" In your own house, dear Jo."
"Thank God!" he says. "Now, isn't
my head shot oil ?"
"No, no ; only a wound."
" Was I in a light?"
"Never mind now, Jo, you must lio
down and rest yourself."
"Just what Satan said to me."
" He's out of his head." says one.
"No, not now," says Jo, " I'm as sane
as ever I was iu my Hie that is, if my
head is all right" and Jo carefully put his
bniid on the top of his head as if expecting
to find it gone.
" Thank Heaven I then it was a dream."
He insisted on being told what had hap
pened. "Three days ago," said his wife, "you
went to your Convivial Club, and and
drank until you had tho "
"Blue-devils," suggested Jo.
"Yes, and in your raving you drew
your revolver and and "
"Shot the top of my head off!" inter
rupted Jo.
"No, but made an ugly pistol-shot
wound on your head, aud the surgeon had
to raise a ortlon of your, skull from the
brain. A hair's broadth more, and you
would have been past help."
Then there was more rejoicing and more
thankfulness.
Jo mended rapidly under the loving care
of his wife, aud was soon ablu to be about.
He went once more to the Convivial Club,
and told his dream, and bade a final fare
well. Some who had taken a glass or two
laughed at It, but the majority took it
more seriously, and said it must, indeed,
have been a terrible experience that could
make of Jo Denton a temperate aud really
worthy man.
What Is Fame I
A traveler recently visited Natick to call
on Mr. Wilson, the Vice President of the
United States. He was told that he would
know Mr. Wilson's house by the color
yellow. But there weie twa houses on the
street, a few rods apart, of that color. Of
course he drove to the wrong house first.
A respeotable-looking woman came to the
door.
" Does Mr. Wilson live here ?"
"No."
" Do yon know where be lives?"
"What Wilson ?'
" Henry Wilson, Vioe President."
"I don't think be lives about here. I
never board of him before."
The Juror's Reason.
ALTERNATE ridicule and obloquy
have long been the uncomforatablo por
tion of that ono juryman of the else unani
mous twelve who inexorably refuses to agree
with his exasperated associates on a verdict;
but there havo been cases in which his
seeming perveisity has proved ultimately
to bo the salvation of justice, and a ven
erable English judge, recently deceased,
was wont to cite ono instance in his earlier
judicial experience when such perversity
led to an astounding discovery of mistaken
truth.
A man who was on trial before this
Judge in tho Court of Common Pleas for
the murder of a neighboring landlord,
with whom he was known to be on bitterly
unfiieiidly terms, protested actually with
prayers and tears that he was wholly in
nocent of the dreadful crime, though no
knowlcding his enmity to tho dead man on
account of some disputed boundary between
their properties, and that the clothing ho
wore nnd afterwards concealed on the day
of the tragedy was deeply stained with hu
man blood. As ho earnestly told and re
iterated his story he was taking a mor
ning walk, as customary, crossed the fields
of a certain farm, aud stumbled upon the
body of a man, who was lying dead amongst
some corn witli two deep wounds iu bis
breast, apparently made by a pitchfork
near at hand. Raising tho prostrate figuro
to ascertain if life yet remained, lio was
stained by the blood, and discovered that
the victim was his own quarrelsome neigh
bor. Humanity at first impelled him to
givo tho alarm ; but in another moment
tho thought of his well-known differences
with the slain man filled him with cowardly
fear of being connected with tho murder.
The idea so incieased in its terror that ho
turned back to his home, removed bis dis
colored clothing, and hid it in the barn
where the police afterwards found it.
But this story did not appear reasonable
to the Court ; and despite tho prisoner's
passionate persistency in it, and despairing
cry that " God and his conscience knew
him to bo wholly innocent," tho caso went
to the juiy with apparently absolute cer
tainity of instantaneous conviction.
Such, indeed, must have been the result
but for the dissent of one juror, and he tho
foreman. This porsou,a man of education,
high social and moral estimation aud largo
property, begged tho Judge to permit the
jury to retire for consolation, and then so
reasoned, pleaded, and actually prayed with
his associates against their unanimous
judgment as to fairly weary them filially
into joining him in a ve idiot of acquittal.
But the astounded Chief Justice indig
nantly refused to accept the vordiot, and
sent them back again aud again to their
room, until at last he was obliged to accept
it. The unhappy men, cursing their fore
man, were discharged in disgrace, "with
the blood of an unavenged murder left at
their door ;" though tho prisoner, at his
unexpected and seemingly miraculous re
lease, fell upon his knees iu Court with the
cry : " You see, my lord, that God and
a clear conscience can save tho lost."
When the Judge subsequently beard by
what means so strange a verdict had been
effected, and that the man responsible for
it was both intelligent and of high char
acter, ho obtained a conference with ths
obstinate juror and adjuied him to explain
his incomprehensible conduct In the matter.
The lato foreman exacted a pledge of se
crecy to last during his own lifetime, aud
thou calmly told why he had labored so
inflexibly for the accused man's life. On
the morning of the murder the man doomed
to be killed, who was the tlthing-mau of
tho parish, culled early to collect tithes on
the speaker's corn, aud was so arbitrary
aud violent iu his maim or .as to provoke in
dignant remonstrance. Becoming enraged,
the tithe-gatherer assaulted the other with
a pitchfork which be was carrying, and
which belonged to a neighbor, aud in de
fence of his life the assailed man wrested
the weapon away, and in so doing in tlio ted
wounds of which tho aggressor fell dead on
bis way home 1
So the actual slayer was the coming
foreman of the jury a position he secured
for himself at great pains and expense, that
be might save an innocent man from drean
ful punishment for a crime which be him
self committed iu self-defence.
tW " Here's your money, boy, and now
toll me wl.y your rascally master wrote
eighteen letters about that contemptible
sum." " I'm sure, sir, I CBu't any ; but if
you'll excuse mo, sir, I sort o' reckon 'twas
because seventeen didn't fetch it."