ftljc imc0, New Bloomficlb, )a.
Wagman's Joke.
IN Columbia street Washington, lire
two very digniflod and solemn, elderly
gentlemen, the one a clerk of the old school
in the Treasury, and the other an examiner
In the Patent Office. They are named re
apectlvcly Colonel Belding and Major
Flunk. Both are bachelor, and they lire
on opposite sides of the way. Until recent
ly neither knew that there was suoh a be
ing in existence as the other. Now, Wag
mait, who also lives in Columbia street,
and who is a clerk of the period in the Post
Office, enjoys the acquaintance of both
these gentlomen, or rather did enjoy it up
to the time of which we write ; he is alien
unto both of them at present Wagman
conceived the reprehensible idea of bring
ing the major and the colonel together un
der circumstances which, though impres
sive, we feel called upou to condemn in the
most unqualified terms. In pursuance of
his purpose Wagman mentioned Major
Plunk's name to the colonel one evening in
laudatory terms, and asked if he'd the
pleasure of his acquaintance. The colonel
regretted he had not the honor. On the
following evening he spoke of Colonel
Belding in the same strain to the major.
Wagman dropped into their rooms fre
quently during tho next two weeks ; in
fact he spent his evenings with ono or the
other, and ho improved every opportunity
to praise each of these gentlemen in turn.
As a consequence the colonel became docp
ly interested in the major, and the major
shared the sentiment in equal measure in
respect to the colonel. Finally, a few eve
nings ago, the colonel stated to Wagman
that he should feel honored and delighted
with the major's acquaintance, and asked
him if he could not arrange a meeting.
Wagman said he'd try, though the major
was rather reserved and exclusive,, and to
make his acquaintance was no easy mat
ter ; when he did unbend himself, however,
he was simply delightful. On the follow
ing evening Wngman called on the major
and stated Colonel Belding's wish. The
major was highly pleased, and said he too
had long desired to form the colonel's ac
quaintance ; that he hailed this opportunity
with anticipations of infinite delight. So,
it was arranged that the meeting should
take place last night in Wngman's room,
if agreeable to the colonel.
"I'll go over and see tho colonel now,
and if it is all rig lit I'll come back and let
you know," said Wagman, as he took his
leave. And after be got out on the land
ing ho thought of something and come
back. ' By the bye, Major, I forgot one
thing. Though you'll find the colonel
splendid, elegant, peerless, he is unfortu
nately very deaf, so you'll have to ' talk
quite loud. I just thought I'd mention it.
Good uight." And he went across tho
way to the colonel's. i 1
" It's all arranged," said be with evident
satisfaction, bounding into Colonel Beld
ing's sitting-room. You're both to oome
to my room to-morrow eight if you've no
prior engagement.
The colonel said bo hadu't.and they took
a rum punch in view of the satisfactory
issue. When Wagman started to go home
he thought of something on the lauding,
just as it had happened at the major's and
went back."
"I almost forgot to mention that the
major has the misfortune to bo quite hard
of hearing very, 1 may say. Aside from
that you'll not be disappointed in him I'm
sure." "' '
On his way home , Wagman stopped at
the major's and called through the keyhole
that it was " all right ; to-morvow evening
atseven." - . ".' ' ' 1 '; '
Seven o'clock found Wagman seated In
his parlor waiting to receive his ' friends.
In Wagraan's bed-room were two 'young
bucks who would have been far better1 em
ployed .in attending' the ; Young' Men's
Christian Association. Tho bed-room door
was on the , jar. . Colonel Belding was
prompt to 1 a second. He and Wagman
chatted over the events of Christmas for a
few moments, when Major Plunk was ush
ered in, all smiles and dignity. He greeted
Wagman cheerily and bowed in a stately
way to the colonel. Wagman Introduced
them without ceremony, saying simply:
, " Major Plunk, Colonel Belding ; Colonel
Belding, Major Plunk," (in a rather eleva
ted tone.) ' , ,. .(
Each grasped the other warmly by the
hand, and their eyes betrayed the solemn
pleasure that this mcotiug gave them.
Major Plunk was the first to speak ,
" Colonel Belding," he began in a voice
of bass thunder, leaning over the colonel
and clapping bis mouth close to his left
ear, "I'm indeed bonoied with the ac
quaintance of the distinguished friend of
our mutual friend Wagman. How--do
you do?"
The colonel drew back am axed, looking
very hard at the major and bowing stiffly.
Then recovering himself,he leaned forward
and with bis lips close to Major Plunk's
ear, he roared in a tone many times
louder than an explosion of nitro-glycer-
lne.., :!
' " I protest, sir; I am the party honored
by this meeting so kindly brought about
by our mutual friend. ' May the acquaint
ance ' so auspiciously begun ripen into a
lasting friendship I" ' ' '
If the colonel was amazed by the Major's
style of address, the major was positively
shocked by the colonel's. But he was too
well bred to betray his feelings, though be
had felt sure hla tympanum had been
cracked with the shock. They sat down
together on a lounge and Wagman brought
out a decanter and glasses.
" Brandy ?" inquired the major.
Wagman nodded an affirmative.
All filled their glasses and the two Visi
tors rose to their feet
" Our mutual friend," , the oolonel ex
ploded with a report that made the chande
liers waver and the furniture dance, direct
ing bis battery on the major's other ear and
waving his hand sweetly toward the wicked
Wogman.
With one hand on his ringing organ of
hearing, and with an effort that brought
the blood coursing in a torrent to his face,
the major let off in the colonel's right ear
this volley :
" May he live long and prosper !"
They drained their glasses, and a look of
outraged dignity settled upon their san
guinary faces. A sound came from the
bed-room like suppressed levity, and Wag
man excused himself a moment, saying
that pointer pup was more trouble than a
triplet, going inside to quiet the brute. He
was absent some minutes, an extremely
embarrassing interval to the two guests.
Each felt more than anxious to exchange
social amenities with the other. At last,
having recovered his breath somewhat,' the
colonel opened again.
" A remarkably open winter, this, major.
It seoms providential, does it not? in view
of the hard ti "
" Qod bless me I yes," shrieked tho ma
jor, without waiting to bear the remainder
of the sentence. " But that is damme
if this ain't the most extraordinary person
I ever saw 1" to himself in an ordinary tone
of voice.
Sir t" What do you mean, sir?" ex
claimed and demanded the colonel with
fecling.elovating his voice an octave higher
than he bad previously ventured. " Who
is a perton t"
" Yes, sir, perton, sir. I said rEitBON,
sir. What do you mean, sir, I in turn de
mand, sir, by thundering in my ears as if I
were as deaf as yon yourself, sir?"
This remark was to all previous observa
tions as the roaring of the cyclone to a
gentle autumn sephyr.
" Deaf indeed I" retorted tho colonel,
rising and menacing the major with doub
led flats. " I've nearly ruptured my wind
pipe in trying to be civil to you, out of
consideration for your misfortune, and now
you want to know what I mean. What do
you mean by by such outrageous bellow
ing T tell me, sir 1"
As to racket, this was the grand finale,
so to speak. .
" You are a person !" yelled the major.
" You deservo to be arrested for disorderly
conduct."
" You're another you're drunk I" re
sponded the colonel in a hoarse outburst of
choler. ' '"
41 1 can lick any - man that says I'm
drunk," gasped the major, trying with all
his might to shout the challenge at a suf
ficiently high pitch to make it audible to
the. oolonel. . He could not rise above an
aslhmatio whisper.' He ' squared himself,
however, and began to work his fists and
elbows to limber them up. But he was
brought to with a response from the col
onol in an equally labored though subdued
effort.-, i : .' . ' .
" You can't llok one side of me." '
uotn i gentlemen instantly assumed a
peaceful attitude, for each had understood
the remark of the other, uttered in a whis
per, i Thoughts wore , working in their
minds. Their knotted brows relaxed. A
transfiguration ensued. l, ..
"Ain't you deaf ?" the major broke si
lence, sinking into a chair and speaking in
a soft tone of voice.
"No. Ain't you?" rejoined the oolonel
quite as softly.
" No. Who said I was ?" '
" Wagman,' Who said I was ?"
"Wagman.",
Just then Wagman came iu;
" You're no gentleman, sir," exclaimed
the major, loftily, to the host.
"Yoir'ra trifling, ill-bred person, sir,"
added the colonel. . ; , , , ...
"Never speak to me again," said the
major with a withering look,
. " Dare but to look at me and , I'll horse
whip you,' warned the colonel.
" Colonel, do me the honor to step over
to my room,", said the major, courteously
addressing the colonel, ."and, I'll apolo
gize,"',,.,, ,!,..; .. ..... ' .
. And in dignified silence they stole away
together. , Wagman followed them to the
landing, protesting it was a cruel mistake,
but they wouldn't listen to a word.
" Rascal," muttered one. .
"Bcoundrel!" the other.,, ... ,
" Vulgar 1" both.
. We appeal to a sedate and dignified pub
lio to know if such an outrage to the feel
ings of two continent citizens ought pot to
be avenged ? , The perpetrator, we blush
to say, is still at large, for lack of a law
to punish blra, liable to further prey upon
the helpless denizens of Columbia street ,.
' We have not , told bow the two young
bucks ' and Wagman made .merry, that
night over the scandalous affair, for we've
no patienca with' it. ' It's a consolation to
kuow they'll come to some bad end.
SUNDAY BEADING.
Reading the Bible.
Henry Wand Beecher in his lecture
to
the Theological Students says : '
I suppose no person ever did or ever will
read the whole Bible in his life. I know
there are persons who read it by letter ; I
bear people say that they make it a rule to
read the whole Bible once a year ; and I
have no doubt that they skate over it once
a year ; but I do not think they do more
than that, because it is not all for them.
Take, for instanoe, a great square-built,
good, honest-minded, ' practical Yankee,
who knows the quality of matter, and who
knows how to put thing and thing together,
and make money out of them take suoh a
roan and put him into Solomon's Songs,
and see what be will make out of these.
Take an Oriental ; take a man who was
born under difforent skies ; who is of dif
ferent associations from generatioa to gen
eration ; whoBe mind-methods are different;
whose growth is more by the imagination
and less by the practical reason take such
a man and he will say of the Bongs of Sol
omon, "That is the buckle of the Bible.
It is that which clasps and holds together
all the other books."
And so, all the way through the Bible,
there are things which men who are proud,
or men who are constitutionally without
wisdom, cannot understand, they are mys
teries to them. There are deep things for
mystics in the Biblo which people who
have no mysticism are unable to see. They
do not see them when they look at them.
In the Bible there are things for the twi
light, things for the moonlight, things for
the midnight, things for the day-dawn,
aud things for the noontide. The Bible is
filled with ineffable riches for men ; and it
belongs to every man to select according to
his need.
Little Things.
From the highest point of view that is
from God's point of view to bim, nothing
is great, nothing is small, as we measure it.
The worth and quality of action depend not
on its prominence, or on anyothor accidents
which we are always apt to adopt as the
tests of the greatness of our deeds. The
largeness of the consequences of anything
we do is no measure of the true greatness
or true value of it. So it is with regard to
God himself and bis doings. To him, for
bis loftiness, there is nothing high ; to him
for bis gentleness, there is nothing low.
He as gladly stands by the sick bed, and
binds up the broken-hearted, as ho "tolloth
the number of stars."
IW In regard to profanity, I could never
allow the powers of speech which my Cre
ator had bestowed upon me, to be used for
such a bate purpose as to profaue His name,
and while some of my companions thought
it manly, I ever regarded it as loweri ng
one to the company of the vile and degrad
ed, all of whom are profane. In the words
of the poet. ' :
"To swear Is neither brave, polite, nor wise."
" What docs Satan pay for swearing ?"
said a pious man to a profane youth. " lie
don't pay me anything," .was the reply.
" Well," added the good man, ; " you work
cheap 1 To lay aside the character of a
gentleman ; to inflict so much pain on
your friends and civil people ; . and to risk
losing your soul, and all for nothing 1 You
certainly do work cheap, very cheap indeed.
I ,
tW Here are the ten commandments of
Buddah i 7
First Thou shalt not kili.
Second Thou shalt not take to thyself
what belongs to another.
Third Thou shalt not break the laws of
chastity. ' ' ". . , ,
Fourth thou shalt not lie. ' ' ,
Fifth Thou shalt hot slander.
Sixth Thou shalt not speak of Injuries.
Soventh Thou shalt not excite quarrels.
Eighth Thou shalt not hate. ,
Ninth Have faith in holy writings.
Tenth Believe in immortality.'
If all christians should live up ' to these
requirements the world would ; be vastly
Improved.
tW Bo long as God holds you up by the
will and determination' to serve Him with
which He inspires you, go on boldly and do
not be frightened at your little cheeks and
falls, so long as you oan throw yourself
into His arms and trusting love, Go there
with an open, joyful heart as often as pos
sible ; if not always Joyful, at least go with
brave and faithful heart. .
' fff " Look up I" thundered tho captain
of a vessel, as bis boy " grew dizzy, whilo
gazing from the top-mast. " Look up."
The boy looked up and returned in safety.
Young man, look up, and you will sucoeod.
Never look down and despair. Leave
dangers uncared for and push on.' If you
falter, you lose. Look up. Do right and
trust in God I
,' 8T An iguorant old lady was asked by
is minister visiting her if she had religion.
She replied I have slight touches occa
sionally.'! How many persons there are
who have it in the sumo way, and in some,
the touches are very slight indeed. .
." I2T Human life is a gloomy chamber, in
which the images of the other world shine
the brighter, the deeper it is darkened..
JENIQMA UEFARTUtK
' jSii All ennt.riht.rti.na i .hi. Aim rf rtient mnal
be accompanied by the correct answer.
Enigma.
I am composed of twsnty-two letters.
My 4, 3, 16 and IS, l a good fruit.
My 8, 19, 6 and 2i Is a boy's name.
My 1, 8, 4 and 10, Is a county In Illinois.
My 13, 20, 18 and 22, is a precious metal.
My 7, 21, 5 and 14, Is a substance of much
value. .
My 13, 11, 18 and 14, li part of weapoa.
My 8, 17, S and 10, la a good servant but a
poor master. '
My whole is a great work lately began.
A Ten Dollar Wife.
. . Par-sou Allon, of D., was quite a wag as
well as a peculiarly interesting preacher.
Ho was often called upon to perform the
marriage ceremony, and his peculiarities
on such occasions often furnished a sup
ply of merriment long after the parties had
retired from the parsonage.
On one occasion, after the marriage knot
had been tied, the bridegroom, supposing
that the parsou was entitled by law to a
certain fee, and would therefore return the
change, handed the minister a ten dollar
bill, which was carefully folded and placed
In his pocket. The old parson having
noticed the X in the corner of the old State
bank note, kept up his lively conversation,
commenting on the ups and downs of life,
till the groom became somewhat nervous
over the delay in relation to his change,
and ho ventured to say :
" Parson Allen that was a ton-dollar bill
I gave you."
" Yes, so I perceive. You are very gen
erous. It is not often that I recoiva so
large a fee. A comfortable thing it ia to
have a bank note in one's pocket," and
then he gave some amusing illustrations of
selfishness, and another ten minutes of
precious time was consumed.
Again the groom ventured to remind the
parson that he had not returned the change
he expected, and be hesitatingly suggest
ed :
. "Perhaps you did not think that the
bill that I handed you for your services
was a ten, did you, Parson Allen?"
"Uh, yes, 1 noticed that It was.. I as
sure you that I have not been so agreeably
surprised for a long time. I always think
on such occasions that the husband has an
appreciative regard for his worthy partner,
and I presume that you regard your wife,
that now is, worth at least ten dollars, and
I doubt if you would have the knot untied
for twice that sum, would you, Mr. N. ?"
"Not I," said the nonplussed bride
groom. "But is there not a regular fee
which the minister is allowed to take for
marrying folks ?" .
" Not that I am aware of," said the par
son. " We always leave the fee to be fixed
by the parties who get married."
And so the bridegroom, evaded at all
points, gave up the effort to get back any
change.
Exposed.
Lord X dertermined a short time ago
to unmask a certain well known spiritual
professor and his medium at a seance ad
vertised to be held at some hall situated on
Oxford street, London. Accordingly X
had constructed at Bryant & May's a match
of liugo proportions and instantaneous
brilliancy, and, armed with this, he pro
ceeded with two friends to pay his respects
to the "denizens of another world." Af
ter the usual preliminaries the room was
suddenly darkened, and, whilst the com
pany held each other by the hands, violins
and tambourines wore heard to play, in
company with less musical sounds, the
professor and his medium having been se
curely' fastened with ropes by one of the
audience. At a given moment X- let
go his companion's hand and lit his match,
or, more properly, torch, on a striker skil
fully fixed to the sole of his boot. A great
flare I and ' there stood' the professor hard
at work on the violin, whilst the happy
medium assisted the performance by alter
nate accompaniments on the tambourine
with her band, ' and on the floor with a
broomstick. The finale may be better im
agined than described ; suffice it to say that
his lordhliip, on presenting himself at the
door of a similar .; entertainment a week
after, was refused, admission,.
' How John Brougham Cried Quarter. .
A good story is told of John Brougham,
who was once at the first rehearsal of a new
piece, where the actors were readin g their
parts from a somewhat ill-written manu
script. John, when his part came around
somewhat surprised bis brother actors by
shouting at the ." wrongful heir" In the
piece, " And thou bad quarter 1"
'What's that?" interrupted the stage
managor.
"So set down in my part," replied the
comedian, referring to his manuscript. '
" No such thing I never wrote that,'
said the irate author, who was present, "It
niukes arrant nonsense of the s)eeoh. Bad
quarter, indeed." .
"See for yourself," said the actor, hand
ing the raanusoiipt to the author.
"This, why," said the literary man, ad
justing his eye-glasses, "this reads, 'thou
base counterfeit." ( ,, . , ,1 .... , ,.
"Ah I Is that it?" said the comedian,
with a sly twlukle of the eye. , " Well, the
terms are synonymous. , A 'bad quarter' it
a 'base counterfeit"
4
Important Notice !
Having laid in a very heavy
stock of , - -
' w i in1 t m ii
AND
which must be closed out, I have
decided to offer my entire as
sortment at prices
Regardless of Cost I
Persons wanting BARGAINS
will " hit the nail on the head,"
by giving me a call.
ri:ii& Host X'rints
only 10 Cents per yard and
other goods in proportion.
A splendid assortment of
Winter
BOOTS & SHOES
is included in the above offer.
. jP. MORTIMER,
New Bloomfield, Pa.
November 19, 1873.
Chartered March 11, 1870.
XT . H .
Mutual Aid Society
OF PENNSYLVANIA,
HOME OFFICE :
LEBANON,
Lebanon county, Fcnn'a.
President,
Secretary,
Treasurer,
Hon. J. II. KiNroRTS.
Geo. A. Mi uk.
GIDEON LlOHT.
This Society U bawd on the uKenumout plan.
Assets subject to Assessment, $8,000,000.00.
Death leases paid to ditto, . $00,000.00.
This Society insure for HlX D0IJ.M1S per thousand
for the Ant year; J)'I VE DDlXAHti annually, per thou
sand, tor the next rouu ykahh, TWO IxiLLAKH per
thouxand annually during Uie remaludur of natural
life, and pro-rata mortality afcHPfwmeiitB aa each death
may occur, which lor the Fii ut olaa la aa rollowa :
Ajre Am. I Ak Am. I Aice Asa. I Aire Am.
1.) ou 73 41 Vi 54 1.70
It! 61 29 74 41 94 66 1.82
17 6i 80 76 , 43 1W 6 1.94
Is ..63 31 77 44 98 67 2.04
19 64 Hi 79 46 1.00 68 2.16
20 66 33 81 46 1.(16 69 2.28
21 6 34 83 47 1.12 ISO 2.40-
22 H7 S5 85 . 48 1.18 01 2.45
23 68 3tl m 49 1.24 62 . 2.50
24 69 87 87 M 1.30 3 2.55
25 70 38 88 51 1.40 64 2.60
26 71 39 89 62 1.5u 65 2.6S.
27 72 40 " 90 53 L6Q ,
TFor all claRfics of tfa.tKW hennts the above rate are in
allcaa-M double, and for all clneea of $:l,iH)Obeuenui tripled
KlKht elaeeee now in oiterutiou. Clauaett opU to In
ure for I.K00, 12,000 and :yKi.
Male and r'enuUe from l- itwen to Sixty-Five years of
ure, of Kood moral habit, In yood health, hale, and of
auttnd mind, Irrespective of rreed, or race, may be
oome member, For ot her information, address
, , GEO. A. MAltK,
boc'y U. 11. Mutual Aid Society, Lebanon, Pa.
Ob, D. 8. EARLY. (!en. Afr't, Hanisbtirg, l'a.
L. W. (JKALMKIt, Aaa'tUen. Ag't, Gen
eral Agent's Office, corner ut 9th Street, and Kali
lionet, LEBANON. fA.
SWT AGENTS WANTED! 81m
Netv Pension Laiv,:
UNDKK an act of Cmigrexs approved March 8,
1873, willows of olllcera who were killed, or
died of dieae contracted In the service, are now
entitled to tiUOjier month for each of their chil
dren. The guardian of a minor child of a soldier who
heretofore only received W.00 per mouth pension
Imiow entitled to $10. per moth,
Huldlers who receive invalid pensions can now
have their pensions increased to any sum or rate
between 18. and lis. per month.
Koidiers who have lost their discharges can now
obtain duplicate. i
l'ulhern and mothers who lost sons In the serv
ice iiihiu whom they were dependent (or support,
can ulao obUlil pension. ,
The undersigned having had over 10 years ex
perience in the Claim agency business will attend
promptly to claims undur the above act.
Call ou or address
, 1.KWJ8 rOTTEll,
Attorney tor Claimants, ,
New Bloomtleld,
20tf. Terry Co., Pa
I. M. OIHVJM. J, It. OWVM
J M. GIHVIN BON,
CoiitmiNMlon MorcbantM,
NO. , BPEAR'8 WJJABF,
It a 1 1 1 m o r e . 91 d .
HuWe will pay strict attention to the isle of al
kinds of country produce, and remit the amount
promptly. 6S41y
. OUR BtAUtlFUU-r lu-ulKAiti
CATALOGUES for -1874, of
Numbering 1 7 PAQta, nd containing'
I , ..l......nUJ ..I.,. .ntnimiHlll. 1 1 .
fronarpawooilliar wlllba nudlxt a naul A
IwaNttirD In Xlio f Iahia, wuanraLcnw.
AUpunKumnfour uoot,nuur .
Gardentui fqr Proau . , I
or rrActlcai nonraii""
krsPrtM II M tk (rmw4 by !
I "taatr lumil mfereii w UtU. ana wU
, .'eetva am wihuph wmmMw
tediiiwi, 35 Cwtiiixtt Street, Haw York.
50 6m