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jr AN INDEPENDENT FAMILY NEWSPAPER. fSr
Vol. VII. IVov Bloomflcld, 3?n,., Tuesday, Noveinbor -4, 1873. iVo. 44.
ljc lo0mfidtr imts.
IS PUBLISHED BVKBT TUESDAY MORNINO, BT
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THE BACHELOR'S MISTAKE.
TIIIE hero of our sketch we will call
I Jonas Jenks. A natural feeling of
sympathy forbids our using his real name ;
and as ho is an oxtremcly sensitive old
gentleman, he might not caro to be made a
subject of merriment for our reader.
Jonas Jenks was what all the world
would call a "clover fellow ;" but beyond
that, his good qualities were few. He was
looked upon with the same feeling that you
would regard the stump of an old tree, that
neither bore leaves to shade you in the
summer, nor fruit to pay for its keeping
through the winter. Ho was styled neither
wise, useful, nor agreeable. He was not
agreeable, because he did not make himself
entertaining to the ladies. Ho was not
useful, for he never looked beyond bis im
mediate personal wants ; and he showed
great lack of wisdom in living forty years
Alone, when he might havo been blossed
with. '' Qod's best gift to man " woman.
He did not acquire wealth, because it
needed two heads like his to make money
and take care of it. He was ever drop
ping his buttons iu the street, and spend
ing money for pins ; he wore his stockiugs
without heels or toes, and ate from his un
washed dishes day by day, all for the want
of a little energy to look around for a
wife.
Still, Jonas was " a clever fellow ;" and
at that ago even, bis friend Otis Barker
thought he would make an excellent hus
band for his siBter, who was yet on the
sunny side of thirty, and still looking quite
youthful. Calling on the bachelor in his
solitary abode, one morning, Otis found
him crouching over the stove and looking
downcast and sod.
"Jonas," said he, "I think I know what
ails you."
" What makes you think anything ails
me ?" gruffly replied the bachelor.
" Because you are not lively and happy.
You are lonely, and want society. No one
can enjoy life without some friends. In
short, you want a wife; and my advice to
you is to get married."
"Ah, that is a very good advice, my
friend ;' but I have got along these forty
years without a wife, and I guess I shall
have to finish out the rest in the same
way." ' . . .
" Because you have been a fool forty
years is no reason why you must be a
greater one for the next forty, or as many
as you may live, which, I think, is quite
as likely to be sixty."
" Hem ! well ; (jesting asido) I do be
lieve if I hod taken a wife twenty years
ago, I should have been quite as well off
for it now; but who would think of marry
ing an old fashioned man with the wrinkles
on his cheeks of forty winters ?'
"O, that is nothing against you. There
is many a smart damsel who would jump
at the chance to sign herself Mrs. Jenks."
" I don't want an old maid, any how !
If I ever do get a wife, 1 will go out of the
family for her. If I could cage some
sprightly lass of eighteen or twenty, I do
not know but I might be tempted. But
this courting business I know nothing
about, you see. I could not think of put
ting on a dickey every Sunday night and
sitting up straight till midnight. No, no.
That would be paying too dearly fur a
thing in advance."
" Well, Jonas, I think on the whole that
you are too lazy, to live, if the truth was
known," said Otis, as he turned on his
heel to go.
"You do, eh? Well stop a moment. I
am up for a bargain. Come, show me one
of those nice girls who you seem to think
are so plenty."
"Ge and find them for yourself, as other
men do. If you are pleased to visit my
family, you will have the opportunity of
seeing a great many young ladies. We
have a great deal of company, I will in
troduce you to my sister, for ono, and she
will introduce you to others, and "
" Enough. I will spend the evening with
you this very night."
" Thank you. I shall be very glad to
sco you."
Tho friends parted, and Jonas' s thick
head was full of now ideas throughout the
day.
At six o'clock ho stood before his mirror
a triangular piece of broken looking
glass Adjusting his dress for tho anticipa
ted visit. Ho had already tried ou several
dickies, had parted his hair in four differ
ent lines, besides having scraped nearly all
the enamel from his tobacco-stained teeth,
and cutting his nails down to the " quick."
Tho " cut" of his garments was rather
old-fashioned, to bo sure, but by lotting
his pants down a little and buttoning his
coat in front, to cover tho vacancy that
was left between them and his very short
vest, he fancied himself quito a dandy. By
exercising more patience and perseverance
than ho had ever had occasion for before
in his life, ho was armed and equipped at
half past seven o'clock, and on his way to
his friend, Otis Barker.
Fortunately for his diffidence and awk
wardness in company, there were none but
the members of the family present, and he
was introduced to Mrs. and Miss Barker,
and enjoyed a very ploasant chat with
them during the evening. Every move
ment of the young lady was watched by
the bachelor ; and before tho cvoning was
spent, he had made up his mind to seek no
farther for a wife, provided the charming
Miss B., could by any means be induced to
be mado the wife of Jonas Jenks.
She was just the model, just the stylo of
beauty that he most admired. She was
very pleasing in conversation, free and
graceful in her manners, and seemed to he
in every way suited to make up for the sad
deficiency of those qualifications iu himself.
That was the woman for him, thought
Jonas, as he hade them "good night," at
ton, with a hearty promise that he would
certainly call again soon.
Had the night not beeu very dark, it
would, no doubt, have been a cause of
much querying and wonder to have Been
the clumsy old bachelor tripping along
upon the toes of his boots, and springing
across the gutter with the agility of a
"lark;" but no one saw Jonas return to
to his lonesome homo. He was blcBsod
with pleasant dreams for the two succeed
ing nights, and on the third evening he
again found himself in the society of his
admired. At the close of his second visit,
he went home eveu happior than from the
first ; for in addition to his increasing ad
miration of the lady Miss Barker he felt
assured by her evident exertions to enter
tain him pleasantly, that his feelings were
reciprocated. Mrs. Barker was no less at
tentive, and he could not but believe that
his motives were anticipated with pleasure
to all concerned.
One unfortunate circumstance, however,
to which all parties were as yet strangers
must be named before going farther with
the courtship. Owing partly to Mr. Bark
er's carelessness In introducing the ladies
as bis wire and sister, morcly ; and partly
to the bachelor's confusion in confronting
two women at a time, he had most unwit
tingly mistaken one for the other ! As
there appeared to be but little difference in
their ages, and each seemed alike at home
and equally familiar with the husband and
brother, it would have been no easy matter
for a stranger, at first acquaintance, to
distinguish between them. They bad the
habit, too, of addressing each other by
their Christian names, and the titles of
Mrs. and Miss were not used for once in
his presence. '
The truth was, Jonas has been dcenlv
smitten with Mrs. Barker, who was rather
the prettiest of tho two, and who. not sus
pecting the bachelor's error, strove with
unusual interest to make matters agreeable
in beliair or Lor sister-in-law.
Week after week passed away, during
which time Jonas performed penance for
his past negligence by " dressing up" every
Sunday night, and endeavoriuor to make
himself agreeable to the ladies and when
two months bad elapsed, he had formed a
" never-to-be-got-over" attachment for Mrs.
Barker 1
It was a cruel deception, but no one was
to blame, for no one knew of it. '.Mrs.
Barker noticed that he often addressed her
Miss B., but knowing him to be rather
illiterate, and unskilled in the rules of et
iquette, she thought it might be a slip of
in tongue merely, and considered it un-lady-like
to correct him.
Jonas began to feel that suspense was
unpleasant, and sot his wits at work to
frame a proposal to his lady-love. At
every previous visit, it had happened that
the family were all present, and no oppor
tunity had presented when he might " free
his mind."
This last time, however, ho was more
fortunate. Mrs. Barker was alone, and in
formed him that Otis And Bister had gone
out to make a call, but would soon return.
Jonas did not express much sorrow at their
absence, but smiled pleasantly as he seated
himself Tory near Mrs. Barker, and remark
ed that she had no fault to find with his
company.
Now was his time, ho thought ; but how
was it to ho done ? At first he thought
best to open the subject abruptly, and have
it over at once; but Mrs. B. kept on talking
and chatting, and his embarrassment in
creased as he momcntarialy expected tho
return of Otis and his sister, which would
oblige him to go homo again without ' set
tling the question.
At length he summoned all tho courage
of an ordinary lovor, and commenced with,
" My doar madam, forgive me for speak
ing my mind frankly, when I assure you
that the happiest hours of my life have
been spent iu your society."
" Thank you, sir, for the compliment,"
said Mrs. B. " It gives me pleasure to see
you in society. I am confident that you
will enjoy life much better than in tho re
tirement and solitude which you have so
long suffered. Otis feels a deep intcres in
you, and as his friend, I shall try to enter
tain you to tho best of my ability."
"Ah hem 1 Thank you," blundered out
tho bachelor. " I am persuaded that a
bachelor's life is not tho happiest in the
world, and if it is not too late, I propose to
amend on the system."
"Ah indeed I Then you think of tak
ing a wifo. I congratulate you on the hap.
piness. May I ask you who is to bo the
honored lady ?"
" That is more than I now know, my
doar madam ; but allow me to Bay that I
have never met with one whose charms in
spired mo with such esteem, such love,
such irresistable fascination as yourself 1
Ail I have, and am, and ever hope to be, I
lay at your feet I May I havo the unspeak
able felicity of looking upon you as my
futuro wifo ?"
" This was Jonas' " maiden spooch ;"
and he felt relieved of a pondorous load
when he "paused for a reply," and wiped
tho prcspiration from his forehead I Mrs.
B. looked confounded for an instant, then
springing to her feet she exclaimed :
" Me your wifo ? Your all at my feet 1
Mr. Jenks, explain yourself 1"
Mr. Barker, who was just entering the
door, overheard only the last exclamation
of Mrs. B.
" What is the matter ?" said he, rushing
into the room, and gazing alternately at
his wife (who leaned against the wall, look
ing like a inaniao), and at his friend Jonas,
who sat on the edge of his chair, his bands
upon his kness, and with his mouth and
eyes as wide open as If he had just been
shaken out of a visit from a nightmare !
" What does tills mean ?" again inquired
Mr. Barker, with great earnestness.
" Mean ? Mean, sir ? You know as well
as I do," said the astonished bachelor.
"Your sister appears to have taken a sud
den fright at something something I I
don't know what !"
" My sister ? That is my wife !"
" That your wife 1" screamed Jonas.
" Why have you deceived me thus?"
" No one has deceived you. If you have
deceived yourself, that is not my fault,
surely. That is my wife t This is my
sister," pointing to the lady who had just
entered.
" Yes," said Miss B. " You have made
a slight mistake, that is all. But no mat
ter now it is explained in season."
Jonas was struck dumb 1 He rose, seized
his hat, made a low bow, and shortly an
nihilated the space between the Barkers
and bis bachelor's hall."
It was not many moments before he set
by a blazing fire, built of dickies, scent
bags, white gloves, gilt-edged paper, curl
ing tongs, tooth brush, and other super
fluous articles for a bachelor's toilet, which
lay in bis way.
Of what ho thought, said, or did, after
that time, we can give no account ; for he
was the same old bachelor as before liv
ing alono, eating alone, sleeping aloue, and
keeping all his secrets within his owu prem
ises ; but as Mrs. Barker obanced to be bis
first love, no doubt she was his last t
patent in England is about seven hundred
dollars.
For tho ninomfleld Times.
FLEXIBLE'S SERENADE.
Tirn, PAUL FLEXIBLE was gontle,
LtJL grneious, amiable, industrious ; pos
sessed, in short, of almost every virtue un
der heaven, but sadly deficient in energy,
self-relianco, and moral courage. He re
quired a strong will to lean upon, a daring
spirit to counterbalance the weakness of
his own. As in lovo, so in friendship, men
seek their opposites. Likes do not agree
together. Brutus and Cassius had a row.
You never sco two fat men fraternize
their "monads" are antagonistic. A
streak of fat and a streak of lean usually go
together. Friendship is like punch it
must contain acid as well as saccharine
qualities; all of which goes to account for
the fact, that the mild and cautious Mr.
Paul Flexible selected for his jfrfus Achates
the headlong and dogmatic Horace Fertile.
They were clerks together in the same
store ; they went into business on their
own account at the same time, though not
in partnership. Horaco lent Paul his ad
vice, and Paul endorsed Horace's papor.
Flexible prospered iu business better than
Fertile, for his native caution was a safer
guido than .the other's rashness.
But Flexiblo always spoke of Fertile as
his "best friend." And it was his "best
friend's" advice which led him to marry
Miss Melinda Agato, an elderly young
lady, with long Btraw-colorod curls, a sharp
nose, and an independent property as well
as will of her own. Fertile rather regret
ted his counsel, when the honeymoon being
over, Mrs. Paul F. put an end to her hus
band's smoking, the only " small vice" be
hod, and interdicted the use of tobacco to
all his friends and acquaintances. Ho at
tempted dining there once or twice after
the "happy event," but cold mutton and
colder looks threw him back on his bache
lor dinners at Parker's. Still the friendship
continued, and in any dilomma Paul
always had recourse to his old crony, rath
er than make a confidant of his wifo.
One night, not a great while after the
happy event which made Floxiblo the most
miserable dog in existence, he was awaken
ed about twelve o'clock by the crash of
military musio in tho street before his
house nay, under his very windows.
" Oft in the stilly night" was played in a
very noisy manner by a full band. Thon
came a song and chorus with many ref
erences to "happy pair," "hearts and
destinies united," Ac.
"They can't mean us!" thought Paul,
with a sigh. There was a pause and
then the musicians, taking breath, poured
fort another strain. There was no mis
take about it now the Apollo band were
serenading Mr. and Mrs. Flexible. Flexi
ble was preparing to spring out of bed.
" What are you goin' to do now ?" asked
Mrs. Flexiblo.
" Ask 'em iu and give 'em something to
eat and drink," roplied Flexible.
" Give 'em something to eat and drink !"
ejaculated Mrs. F., snappishly. " They'd
eat and guzzle you out of the house and
homo, if you'd let 'em. - If you've got any
spunk, you'll call the watch and throw a
pitcher of water on 'em !" , .
" Mrs. F.," replied the gentleman, with
some faint show of resolution, " I think I
know what the rites of hospitality and the
usages of society domand. I shall prepare
some refreshments for them."
" Go to Bleep, and don't make a fool of
yourself," retorted his better-half. "Or
ask 'em in if you please thoy'll get noth
ing in this bouse for everything's locked
up, and the keys are where you won't got
'era in a hurry."
With a smothered groan, poor Paul
buried his head in the bed-clothes, that he
might shut out the duloot sounds of the
wretched musicians. They played and
played louder and louder till thoir en
ergies were nearly exhausted, and then
the instruments seemed dyingly to. suppli
cate admission' and reward. It was all in
vain, however Mrs. F. was inexorable.
The next day Paul narrated the whole
ooourreoce to Fertile, and bogged that he
would apologize to the leader of the band.
"Don't be afraid, my boy," said Fertile.
"I'll get you off I'll save your reputation
let me alone for taking care of my
friends." j
" But what can you say to Mr. Tooter f"
"That's my lookout. Make yourself
perfectly easy. Yours till further notice.
By, by, Paul love to Mrs. F."
In the oourse of a day or two, Fertile en
countered Mr. Tooter, the leader of the
Apollo.
"Tooter, my dear friend," said be,
"you know you serenaded Flexiblo tho
other night?"
" Yes," said the musician, looking very
grave.
"And you must have thought it rather
quocr that he didn't ask you to 1 wood
up,'&c?"
" Why," said Mr. Tooter, " I must oon
fess, I thought it rather small of Flexiblo
and some of our fellows wore outrageous
about it."
"Certainly, certainly," said Fertile,
" quite natural they should be. Now tho
fact 1b step this way I tell you In confi
dence confidence mind you that Flexi
ble was drunk that night."
" Mr. Flexible !" exolaimod the leader,
" I never suspected him of "
"Hush! OLord! yes so drunk ho
didn't know himself from a seventeen dol
lar bill brought homo by tho watchman
new-married wifo in hysterics shocking
scene domestic drama truth strangor
than fiction more things in heaven and
earth, Horatio your philosophy you un
derstand keep it to yourself."
Mr. Fertile bowed himself away. The
next day, Paul met him.
"Well, Horace, have you seen tho
leader?"
" O, yes I mado it all right I took
caref you, my boy he won't think any
the worse of you for what occurred."
" My best friend a thousand thanks ;"
" Nonsense, man don't be sentimental.
Whenever you get into a scrape, call on
me, I'll get you out of it. I'm ready to do
as much for you any time-"
Mr. Tooter informed tho Apollos In
oonfldence of the reason why Mr. Flexiblo
didn't ask them in. They told their wives
and sweothearts in confidence and so it
soon got to be the town talk. It never
reached the ears of Flexiblo, however; ho
never knew why Deacon Dickleberry cut
him why Mr. Bluenose, who was presi
dent of a temperance society, refused to
trade with him any more; and never knew,
poor man ! that ono of the most benevolent,
brokers upon State stroet said of him
" Flexible is a good-natured, well-meaning
man it's a pity he drinks f"
A Mysterious Crime.
If there is any virtue in circumstantial
evidence, the perpetrator of tho backwoods
murder, in Monroe county, has been found.
The finding of the mutilated dead body of
the Mntfloy boy in the cellar of his grand
mother's house, in Scott township, of that
county, a fortnight sinco, is still fresh in
the public mind. Timothy Hellor, a des
perate vagabond of that vicinity, was
missing after the murder. Officers were at
once put upon his track, and be was fol
lowed to an isolated spot in Lehigh county,
and arrested. Ho was taken to the scene
of the tragedy, and, while denying that
he was guilty of the murder, admitted
that he was at the house on the day of the
murder, and stole the articles that wcro
missing. The clothing, be said, he had
hidden in a school house in tho woods, and
it was found there, besmeared with blood.
There was also blood on tho prisoner's
shirt. He was at once placed in jail at
Stroudsburg to await his trial.
A mystery which has for a month puz
zled the residents of this section of the
country has at last been partially cleared
up. On the night of the 13th of Septem
ber Walter Bradley, living on a farm near
Dingman's Ferry, loft a neighbor's to re
turn home. He was never seen aftorward,
and, as he was known to be iu the habit of
carrying large sums of money about him,
he was believed to have beeu murdered. A
portion of what was supposed to be human
remains being found two weeks subse
quently in Dark Swamp, near where he
lived, strengthened this belief. One day
last week a hunter found Bradley's dead
body within a rod of his bouse, hidden by
some bushes. The top of his head was
smashed in. All his money, his bank
book, and other articles were found in his
pockets. A coroner's inquest was held,
but nothing elicited to throw any light on
the mysterious death.
1ST A young man named Olassup, living
with his parents at Mary Cray, Kent, in
England, recently fell Into a dry well. He
remained there four days, feeding mean
while on the mice that ran over bim as he
lay on the damp ground. At the end of
the four day a gentleman bunting In the
woods was attracted to the well by the
shrieks of the unfortunate inmate, assis
tance was obtained, and ' Olassup was
brought to tho surface a raving maniac.
EST A Chittenden, Vt., farmer scouts
the idea of taking a newspaper at three
whole dollar a year, and posts a notice on
a school house that 8 boggs bov strode or
bin stooleo from blin.