1
Two Deacon's in a Fix.
D
BACON TARBOX, I'm a vir-
toons woman, and I've tried to be
a good and Christian wife, and for me to
be treated in this way, I declare it's a
burnin' shame !"
The speaker was Mrs. Jerusha, tlio wifo
of Dr. Amadous Brown, and tho sceno was
the library of the deacon's house in the
village of Oak Hollow. Mr. Brown had
worked herself into quite a heat of scarlet
excitement, and the deacon sat in his arm
chair, looking at her with a troubled ex-
- pression through his gold-bowed spectacles.
"So 'tis; so 'tis," said the deacon, "if
your suspicions are correct. You say that
, your husband visits tho parson's wife every
day?"
" Every individual day for tho last three
weeks. Don't I know it? Haven't I
watched him ? I've stood it jest as long as
I kin, and now I'm goin' to speak out. I'll
have a divorce, that I will. 1-et him run
away with that little pink and white doll
baby if ho wants to. He'll find out one of
these days who kin cook his vittles best,
and mend his clothes, and take care on
him. Ef he'd rather have her to do it, he's
welcome to try her.
" It is greatly to be regretted that Mis
ter Gray didn't choose some older person,"
said the deacon, gravely. " His wifo is
too young for a parson's wife, and too
pooty."
"Pooty!" exclaimed Mi's. Jerusha, fir
ing up. " Well, that's a matter of opin
ion. I don't admire her style myself."
"This is a very serious matter," said
Deacon Tarbox, with great solemnity
"This must be brought at once afore tho
selectmen of the parish that is, supposin',
of courso, ma'am, that you ken prove what
you say."
" Prove it !" replied Mrs. Brown, vio
lently. "I ken provo it fast enough.
Didn't tho doctor order the parson to send
his wife to the city for a change of air, as
he said, and when that poor unsuspectiu'
man went an' done it, didn't my husband
post right off after her, under pretence of
havin' business there ?
" It must be looked into," said Deacon
Tarbox. "I promise you, Mrs. Brown,
you shall hev justice done to you. Now,
I'll jest step over'n consult Elder Pilberry.
Ho's a clear beaded man, tho elder is, and
we'll do whatever he thinks best about it.
Dear, dear ! Why can't folks obey the
Scripturs and leave other people's wives
alone?"
He found that worthy in his backyard, in
his shirt sleeves, sawing wood, and at once
laid the matter before him
" Wall," said the elder, standing with
one foot on his sawhorse and resting his
elbow reflectively on his knee, "my opin
ion is jest this: We muBt work slow, ye
know. Missis Brown is naterally a kinder
jealous little woman, an' she may be mis
taken in some of hor facks. Now we can't
git along without facks to steer by. Dr.
Brown may be visitin' the parson's wife
with tho most honorable intentions, an' the
parson may know all about it when Missis
Brown don't. It won't do to stir this thing
up. you know, deacon, till we fit more
facks.
" Yaas, that's so, Brother Pilberry," re
plied the deacon; " but how kin we do it ?
There aint no doubt about Dr. Brown's
bein' down to the parsonage most every
night seuce Parson Gray went away. Then
ye know, ho follored her down to the city,
too. That 'ere don't look right, elder,
now does it?"
" No, it dont," said Mr. Pilberry, " but
'taint best to take things for grauted. As
you say, the parson's wifo is young'n pooty
and 'taint sing lar the doctor should be
kinder took with her; but then Doctor
Brown is a married man, an' a member of
good standin', so I guess we'd bettor make
sure of our facks fust. Now wouldn't it
be a good idee for you an' I to kinder bang
round down by the parsonage to-night, and
see what's goin' on ? Ef we could git a
look in through the winders, ye know, we
might be able to tell what the doctor goes
there for."
" That Idee never struck mo," said Dea-
- con Tarbox, In a convinced tone of voice,
implying that it had struck him now, and
that he was very forcibly impressed by it,
" That's a good suggestion,
"Wall," continued the elder, "youjost
come over here along about eight o'olock,
an' we'll walk down that way."
"How about the parson's dog?" asked
the deacon a little nervously.
"O, he den'tdo nothin but bark, an
besides, he's chained up. I sruess 'taint
best to say anything to Missis Brown
Shouldn't like to hev it known how we git
our information, ye know."
The deacon nodded, and the elder re
turned to his wood-sawing, each of them
trloatinc with an inward satisfaction over
. the choice bit of scandal of which they
; 1 had suddenly become possessed, and never
I I for moment doubting mat n was ineir
'sacred duty, as godly men and pillars of
the church, to stir it up and make the most
of it.
That night Elder Pilberry and Deacon
Tarbox might have been found snugly en-
econsed bohtnd the hedge fence which sepa-
rated the parson's south meadow from his
backdoor yard. The deacon bad risen
from bis seat on the damp grass for the
twentioth time, remarking that he should
" ketch bis death a' cold ef he staid there
any longer," and that he didn't believe the
doctor would come that night, anyhow,
when the cider, looking through the branch
es of the hedge, suddenly exclaimed:
" There he is I Duck your hood, dea
con I"
The doctor fastened his horse to the ty-
ing - post, and knocking briskly at the door
of the parsonage, passed a few words with
the person who opened it, and entered,
closing tho door behind him.
Back door !". muttered tho : older.
"That's suspicious."
"Where's that light?" asked tho dca
n. " Aint that in Missis Gray's room ?"
"Yes," said tho elder, "that corner
room in the second story is Missis Gray s
chamber, an' there's somethin' goin' on
the re, too. - Jest seo them shadders."
The curtain of tho room was not drawn,
and tho two eavesdroppers, looking up
ward at tho windows, could plainly see
the ceiling and a small segment of tho op
posite wall. Upon this portion of the plas
tering was cast a singular complication of
moving shadows, giving apparent evidence
of there being sovcral persons in the room,
Who they were, or what they were doing,
tho elder and bis companion, not being
favored with a view of the whole apart,
mcnt, were unable to determine.
" Hi !" exclaimed tho dcacou, after vain
ly stretching his neck for several moments.
" That's the doctor's flggor 1"
And so it was. As the deacon spoke
a person advanced to tlio window lor an
instant, and then quickly turned away.
But in that instant botli of the watchers be.
low had recognized the familiar outlines of
Doctor Amadous Brown.
AVall," exclaimed Elder Pilberry, ris-
ing to an erect position, " I never would
hev believed it to my dyin' day ef I hadn't
seen it with my own eyes !"
" In Missis Gray's own chamber !" said
tlio deacon. "And her husband away,
This is a subjee' for a vestry mectin',
elder."
"We must find out about this," observ
ed Pilborry. " Ef it goes afore the select
men we must have facts. I calculate that
it's our moral dooty, Deacon Tarbox, to
see whats goin' on in that there chamber."
" How kin it bo done ?" asked tho dea-
n. " ' Twont do to co bustin' the door
open, an it we ring tno beu no a take me
alarm."
" Wo kiu do bettor than that," replied
the elder. " There's a rain-water barrel
at tho corner of the house, right by the
suttin' room winder. Now, ef we kin git
another barrel to put on top of it, we kiu
git up to the second story easy."
Tho deacon approving of this idea, they
searched cautiously through tho parson's
woodshed and succeeded in finding a head
less barrel, which they duly placed on the
top of the water-butt at the corner of the
parsonage. On the barrel the elder balanc
cd a board, and mounting this unsubstan-
tial structure with tho deacon's assistance.
he succeeded in gaining a good view of the
sitting room on tho first floor, but found
h im sol f considerably below the window-sill
of the upper chamber. The lower room
was quite empty, but a lamp was dimly
burning on the centre-table.
" Kin you see ?" whispered the deacon in
a voice which might have been heard for a
hundred yards.
"No," returned Elder Pilberry, "not
high onough."
"Hoy?"
"Not high enough."
"Will the choppin'-block do?" asked
the deacon, with a gesture towards the
wood-pile.
" Yes, band it up." '
It was rather heavy, but the deacon suc
ceeded with much difficulty in bringing it
to the water-butt and passing it up to the
elder. The latter placed'it firmly in the cen
tre of the board, and mounted it carefully,
holding on to the spouting to steady him
self. With tho aid of this last addition to
his pedostal, Mr. Pilberry now found the
rim of his hat about on a level with the
lower panes of Mrs. Gray's windows. Let
ting go the spout, he raised himself on his
tiptoes and prepared to take a leisurely sur
vey of the appartment ; but at this critical
juncture the parson's dog which was chain
ed lu the barn, suddenly became suspicious
that something was going wrong, and
forthwith set up such a terrlflo howling and
barking that the deacon was frightened
nearly out of his wits. This suddon loss
of his presence of mind on the part of Dea
con Tarbox was fatal to the success of the
Elder Pilberry's observations, for the form
er fell in consternation against the water-
butt with such force as to upset his com
panion's equilibrium, and to cause the over
throw of barrel, board and chopping-block
together, thereby precipitating Mr. Pilber
ry through the sitting room window with
most astonishing velocity, and landing bim
on tjj0 flooj wilu a cra4(u f broken glass
which might have been heard for half
mue
It was fully two minutes before the elder
sufficiently recovered himself to realise
what bad happened. His first impression
was that there had been an earthquake,
but this Idea gradually resolved itself
jDto the idea that the great and solemn
day of Judgment had arrived. He seemed
surrounded by a blaze of fire-works, and he
only awoke from the influence of this opti
cal illusion to find himself, held fast In the
bony clutches of an infuriated female, who
was rapidly removing his hair by handfuls,
apparently with the idea of trying to ob
tain enough to fill mattress.
" I say 1" shouted the elder. " Confound
it 1 Git out I Let me go, will you ?,'
Let you go I" screamed the woman,
shrieking at the top of her voiee, and shak
ing him violently by the collar. " No I
wont.! Come on! I've got him 1 Fire!
Murder ! Robbers I I've cot him 1"
"Do you you know who 1 I am?"
exclaimed Mr. Pilberry, bis remark render
ed somewhat disjointed as a result of his
antagonist's shaking.
" No, nor I don't care who you are !"
shouted tho woman. "Murder I mur ."
A violent tussel ensued, the older using
his most desperate endeavors to escapotand
tlio enemy bung to him with the tenacity
of a bull-ton ior, the only appreciable result
being tho removal of the greater portion of
tho clothing of both combatants. In the
midst of tho melee the door burst suddenly
open, and Doctor Amadous Brown entered
in a state of great excitement.
"For Heaven's sake," he exclaimed,
what is the matter ? Elder Pilberry !
Nancy ! Let go the gentleman at once,
Do you know who he is?"
" No," said Nancy ; who is he ?"
" He's why, bless my soul ! ho's an
elder in the church."
" Ho's an elder of the church 1" exclaim.
ed Nancy, drawing off and looking at the
dilapidated Pilberry contemptuously.
"And do elders in tho church come round
smashin' the minister's winders in this 'ere
way?"
By this time tlio deacon had gained ad
mittance by some means, and he now ap
peared upon the scene, with his eyes fixed
upon the doctor solemnly. Ho was deter
mined that the elders unfortunate plight
should not deter him from his righteous
purpose.
"Doctor Brown," he exclaimed slowly,
" how camo you in this house ?"
"Well, gentlemen," said tho doctor,
will answer that question by asking an
other. Pray how came you here ?"
The deacon might have replied that it
was very evident how Mr. Pilberry got
there, and as that for himself ho eame in
through the back kitchen but that would
hardly have comported with the dignity of
his errand.
"We camo," he said, " in pursuance of
our dooty as selectmen of this village.
is a painful dooty, but we must do it. You
hev been seen, Doctor Brown, in the cham
bor of Missis. Gray, in tho absonce of her
husband."
Nancy hero burst out into a loud laugh,
and the doctor smiled.
"Yes," yes ho said I don't deny it."
" Elder Pilberry," exclaimed tho deacon
" you hear that? He don't deny it. Now,
Doctor Brown, perhaps you hev some ex
planation to make some excuse to offer.
We are ready to hear what you have to
say."
"Well, gentlemen," replied tho doctor,
looking from one to the othor, and making
a great effort to restrain a strong inclina
tion to laugh, "peahaps you will not deem
an excuse necessary when I tell you that
our respected pastor has this night become
a happy father. It was a little premature
perhaps, gontlemen, and the parson would
undoubtedly have remained at home had
he supposed the event likely to occur so
soon ; but it is a fine boy, gentlemon, and
weighes eight pounds and a half."
Deacon Tarbox and Elder Pilberry hung
their heads and looked foolish. Stammer-
ing out a confused apology, they hurriedly
took their leave, both sadder and wiser
men. The experience was not without its
results, for from it the elder derived a very
excellent motto, which he never afterwards
failed to fire at tho deacon on all favorable
occasions : " Never jump at conclusions
without fust bein' sure of your facks."
tlTTbere are some excellent shoe shops
in Washington, and my insatiate thirst
after knowledge led me into one of 'em
have uo doubt the proprietor was a per
fectly pious leather dealer. He bad a
leathor head anyhow.
Says I, " Got a nice store, hain't ye?"
Bays he, "So, so," .
Says I, .Sew, sew. I thought in your
business it was stitch, stitch."
Says he, "A-homl"
Says I, " No, stitch."
Then I propounded a conundrum,
Bays I, "Why are shoemakers like min
isters?"
Says he, "Blast your conundrums."
Says I, " That ain't the answer: its be
cause shoemakers and ministers both peg
away at soles, and they both heel soles
too." , I
Says he, "Well, do you wauttobuy
anything. If so, I have everything in my
line you can name."
Says I, "You have, hey? Are gaiters In
your line?"
Says be, " Yes."
Says I, " And you can show every kind
of gaiters?"
Says he, " I can."
Says I, "Well, sir, if that isUie ease, I'll
look at a pair of alligators,"
He didn't take it pleasantly, and if I
hadn't dispensed with his society just as I
did, that leather dealer would have tanned
me, ,
Two Wealthy Men. (
riHE two wealthiest Englishmen, so far
1 at least a. personal estaU goes, who
have ever lived in England, have died with
in the last decade. They were Mr. Morri
son and Mr. Brassey. The personal prop
erty of the first was sworn under twenty
million dollars ; that of the second under
thirty millions; but it is understood that a
great deal of Mr. Brassey's estate has not
yet been sworn for duty, owing to difficul
ties in appraising it, and that, in fact, it
will prove to be nearly one hundred mil
lions when this has been done. Both these
men, like most of those who have made the
very largest fortunes, began life poor. Mr.
Morrison entered a dry-goods warehouse,
where he contrived to secure the affections
of his employer's daughter. They were
married, and he was taken into the busi
ness, to which he ultimately succeeded. '
One great stroke he made was the buying
of all the crape in England, in anticipation
of the death of the Princess Charlotte, of
Wales. This lucky hit is supposed to have
put a very large sum of money into his
pocket.
He invested a large portion of his enor
mous wealth in real estate, and became one
of the greatest landlords in the United
Kingdom. His principal country residence
was Basildon Park, near Reading in Berk-
shire. It is a stately mansion, standing in
o wnww nlnBDDnf navlr unit flllnrl with n. 1
niagniflcient collection of works of art, of
which he was a very liberal purchaser. The
very book-cases, tables, and chairs, were
designed try men such as Sir Charles East-
lake, It. A. In the dining-room were two
columns of rare and beautiful marble,
purchased from a church in Italy at a pro
digious price. These pillars were extraor
dinarily heavy, and considerable difficulty
was experienced in bringing them to their
destination, tho roads being, at various
points, quite broken into holes by the
weight. Bosides his collection at Basildon,
Mr. Morrison hod a gallery of choice pic
tures at his home in London.
He was not in the least ostentatious, nor
did ho over evince the tendency, so common
to nouvMux riehtt of toadying people of
rank, his principal associates being eminent
artists.
Toward the close of his life he became,
as so often is tlio case of ricb men, op
pressed with the idea that he was misera
bly poor and should die a pauper; and a
small sum was paid to him every week, as
a wage, to humor his fancies.
Mr. Morrison loft several sons. To the
eldest be bequeathed the interest in his
warehouse, estimated at three hundred and
fifty thousand dollars a year (which that
gentleman sold to a joint-stock company),
and further very extensive estates.
To the second he loft some two hundred
thousand dollars a year, and to the others
incomes varyiug from sixty to eighty thou
sand dollars.
All his sons have turned out steady, re
spectablo men; and one is a well-known
Liberal member of Parliament.
Mr. Brassey's great fortuno was tlio
result, in the first instance, of successful
railway contracts, and then of the accumu
lations consequent upon the great sums
thus made. Like Mr. Morrison, he was the
least ostentatious of mon, and, liko him,
too, was fortunate in a wifo who resembled
him in this respect Indued, Mr. Brassey's
expenditure, so far as his establishment,
etc., went, probably did not exceod fifty
thousand dollars a year, when his income
was two million dollars a year. Liko Mr.
Morrison, he was fortunate in his children,
He hod three all sons. They bear the
highest character, and now have dlvidod
among them the colossal fortune which
their father and mother only seemed to
care for in so far as it would contribute to
their children's happiness.
It is remarkable that tbeso two men-
England's wealthiest sons should all their
lives have been indifferent to what most
successful men in this country aspire to a
seat in Parliament. Mr. Morrison, we be
lievo, did occupy one for a brief time, but
Mr. Brassey never. Two of his sons are
"now very useful members of Parliament,
EST A Frenchman, who know very little
of our language, unfortunately got into a
difficulty with a country-man, and fight he
must, and that, too, rough and tumble.
But before be went at it, he wanted to
know what be should cry if he found him
self whipped. After being informed that
when satisfied all bo would have to do
would be to cry out " enough," at it they
went; but poor Monsieur, in his difficul
ties, forgot the word, and finding bis eyes
likely to be removed from their sockets,
he began to cry out, but Instead of saying
what was told him, he commenced bawl
ing lustily:
' "Hurrah I hurrah 1"
To his astonishment, the country-man
kept pounding harder; whon Monsieur,
finding there was no use in hallooing,
turned and went to work in such good ear
nest, that it was not long before the coun
try-man sang out in a stentorian voiee:
" Enough 1"
"Say that again," said the Frenchman.
" Enough 1 enough I" the country-man
again.
When the Frenchman in his turn ex.
claimed:
" Begar, dat Is do vera word I was try.
in' to say loug time ago." ,
PERUY COUNTY
T,l tnt -r
BCal tate. IHSUranCC,
CLAIM AGENCY.
&ewis porris & co.,
Real Ettate Broken, Insurance, t Claim Agent
IVevv- llloomflcld, la".
WE INVITE the attention of buyers ana Sell
ers tn the ariVAlitniri- mm nffM tliaM. In .....
chasing or disposing of real estate through our ol-
Wp have a vervlarce list of rieslml.
ennslsthiK of farms, town property, mills, store
and tavern stands, and real estate of any descrip
tion which we are prepared to oircr at great bar
gains. We advertise our property very extensive
ly, and use all our efforts, skill, and dllllgeaee to
effects sale. We make no charges unless the
property Is sold while registered with us. We lso
draw up deeds, bonds, mortitaues. andall leeal up
pers at moderate rates. .
Home of the best, cheapest, and most rellabln
lire, life, and cattle Insurance companies in the
United States are represented at this agency.
rropeny insured either on the cash or mutual
plan, and perpetually at K4 and t5 per thousand.
1'ensloilS. botllltiHS. llllfl il kiliilu ,f uf flnlma
collected. There are thousands of soldiers and
heirs of soldiers wlio are entitled to pensions and
bounty, who have never made application. Sol
dlcrs,lf you were wounded, ruptured, orcontract
ed a disease In the service from whleh vmi m-o dis
abled, you are entitled to a pension.
w nen widows or soldiers die or marry, the minor
children are entitled to the pension.
Tardea having any business to transact In our
line, are respectfully Invited to give us a call, as
we are confident we can render satisfaction lu any
No charge for Information.
4 any lewis totter & co.
E IiMO IIOTEIi
(KOHMEKt.Y "THE UNION,")
JOS. M. FEWER, Proprietor,
817 & 819 ARCH STREET,
PHILADELPHIA.
Terms,
$2.50 Per Day.
THE ST. EI.MO Is centrally located and has
been re-lltled and refurnished, sn thnt. It will
he found as comfortable and pleasant astotmlne
place as there is in Thlladclplila, 6 29
Neiv Millinery Goods
A-t ISovport, Pii.
X BEG to inform the public that
I have lust re-
s turned iroin r 1 1 11 h a
with a ful assort-
mem 01 me latest styles ol
MILLINERY GOODS,
HATS AND KONNETS.
iUBBONS, FKENC1I FLOWERS
FEATHERS,
CHIGNONS,
LACE CAPES,
J0TI0N8,
And all articles usually found In a Hrst-class Mil.
Ilnery Establishment. All orders promptly at
tended to. -We will sell all goods as Cheap as
can be got elsewhere.
DRESS-M AKINO done to order nnd In the la.
test style, as I get the latest Fashions from New
York every month. Goffering done to order, in
all widths. I will warrant all my work toglve sat
isfaction. All work done as low as possible.
ANNIE ICKES,
Cherry Street, near the Station,
Newport, Pa.
616 13
CARLISLE CARRIAGE FACTORY.
A. IS. SHE11K
has a large lot ol second-hand work on cjSltJU
hand, which he will sell cheap In order WmsW
to make room for new work,
FOR THE SPRING TRADE.
He has. also, the best lot of
NEW WORK ON HAND.
You can always see different styles. The material
Is nut in question any mure, fur It is the best used
It you want satisfaction In style, quality unit
price, go tothls shop before purchasing elsewhere.
There Is no llrm that has a belter Trade, or sells
more in Cumberland and Ferry counties.
REPAIRING AND PAINTING
promptly attended to.
and l'ltt Streets,
Factory Corner of South,
3 dp
CARLISLE, 1A.
Farmers Take Notice
fXfffE subscriber offers for Halo
THRESHING MACHINES. JACKS and HORSE-
I'OWER,
With Tumbling j Shaft, and Side-Gearing, Warrant
ed to give satisfaction In siieedy und perfect
threshing, light draft and durability, ou reasona
ble terms. Also
P L O U G II H
Of Superior Make.
CORN BHELLEHS,
KKiTLKH,
STOVES,
scoops
and all castings,.
made at a country Foundry. Also,
A OOOD MILL SCREW,
in excellent order, for sale at a low rate.
I refer those wishing to bnv to John Adams-
Samuel Kliumaii, John lludcu, Ross Uencb, at
lckesburg. Jacob Shoemaker & Hon, Elliotts
burgj Thomas Morrow, Loysvllle; John Flieklng
er, Jacob Fllckluger, Centre. 02013
SAMUEL LIGGETT.
lckesburg, May 14. 1872.
Writing- Xluid!
THI8 FLUlDls warranted EQUAL to Arnold's
and Is sold at much lens price. The money
will Do remnuea lo tnnse Duyiugu, u n aoes not
prove entirely satisfactory.
Vfforsaio uy r. mummer, iiow oiuuniueiu.
, MILLER ft ELDER,
Sole Agents,
430 Market Street.
vm Fblladelphia.
JOBINBON HOUSE,
(Formerly kept by Woodruff and Turbett,)
Xta Sloomfleldif Terry County, Ta.
AMOS ROBINSON, Proprietor.
This well known 'and pleasantly located hotel'
has ln leased for a uumlwr of years by the pres
ent nroprletor.snd he will spare no pains to accom
modate bis guests. The riHiin are comfortable,
the table well furnished with the best in the mar
ket, and the bar stocked with choice liquors. A
careful and attentive hostler will be In attendance.
A good livery stable will be kept by the proprietor!
April 8, 1871. tf