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Vol. "VI. TVov 131ooiiiHeld, J?n,., Tuesday, July 2, 1872. . TVo. 37.
V
Ur0mfiftir inu5.
PUDU8HBD EVERY TUESD1T MOUSING, BT
FRANE JiORTIMEE &C0.,
At New Bloomfleld, Terry Co., Ta.
iBelnii provided with Meam Power, and large
Cylinder and Job-rresses, we are prepared
to do all kinds of Job-Printing In
good style and at Low Trices.
OUR STRATAGEM.
BY FLORENCE V. ROGERS.
MISS AMANDA MELBOURNE was
forty or professed to be. With a
Jady, veracity on that point is generally
good ; so we will chronicle as four times
ten. Forty summers had left a wonderful
bloom on her cheek or else it was a rab
bit's paw lightly touched to a mysterious
pink powder, in an oval box with lid all
covered with gilt and French words, aud
conveyed therefrom to the sallow cheek
of the youthful Miss Amanda. Her teeth
looked splondidly. She said it was natural
to the family ; her father's teeth were all
sound when he died at the advanced age of
seventy. So most of the people envied that
natural beauty of her family a set of
splendid teeth, but I learned she paid
money Cor them ; and that they reposed iu
a tumbler of cold water every night, on a
table near the bed. She was very precau
tious to place the stand near the bed, in
case of lire I suppose, for I verily bolieve
she would have perished in the flames
father than lot the world know that her
strong, sound teeth decayed, and dropped
out in a single night.
And then those tresses 1 black, glossy
and heavy. She sported a waterfall, too,
Miss Amada did, voluminous as any girl at
seventeen ; but the waterfall with its bend
ed net, decked the aforesaid stand, each
night also, and a front piece coiled itself
around the aforesaid tumbler.
There was anothor articlo that mingled
with the group of "make ups," on that
stand, in fact there was a pair of them.
I will tell you how I learned the above.
One morning I had risen early and stepped
from my window to the roof of the piazza,
And went around to her sleeping room
window. It was very warm weather and
Miss Amanda bad been so indiscreet as to
leave her window open and curtain up.
So I opened the blinds to bid her good
morning, and O horror t there lay an old
lady, white headed, toothless, cbeekless, I
might almost say, for there were two deep
holes where her cheeks usually were. The
sun shone full upon her shallow face and
kissed her white eyebrows, and I hastily
closed the blinds for fear of wakening her,
and hurried back to my appartments. The
array of the stand had not escaped my
notice, and had I not seen them, I should
have been in great doubt whether that
great-grandmother looking woman was
Miss Melbourne, forty, or some ancient,
dilapidated relation of whose arrival I had
not yet learned. But I knew the teeth,
graduated beads on that net, etc., but what
in the name of art was that pair of things
beside them. ' '
Curiosity was strong at eighteen, so tak
off my slippers I glided around to the win
dow again and peeped through the blinds.
Miss Melbourne was sitting ou the edge
of the bed, trying to shake off "death's
counterfeit" by rubbing her eyes and
giving musical little yawns occasionally
varying the performance by stroking her
shoulder, as if coaxing off the rheumatism.
At this juncture my handkerchief bad
almost disappeared in my mouth, and both
haads were clapped to my sides, to prevent
explosion which might give warning to the
enemy that I was iu ambush ; for I was
bound to discover where that pair of pearl
shaped gutta-percha articles went, on Miss
Melbourne. , -
While waiting for that denouncement, I
beheld what surprised me still more. ' As I
live, Miss Melbourne reached down and
brought from under the bed an artificial
leg I always noticed a fault about her
walk, but I thought it was an attempt at
the " Grecian wiggle," so fashionable now-.
a-day. . ',, ;'
' At this juncture I was shaking visibly,
and the handkerchief performed but half
duty, for te-he was audible several times.
Just then appeared my dear Frank in the
garden below, and (commenced pelting me
irith gravel stone. Saucy , fellow to take
Advantage of my powerless position. t
Good morning," he shouted but I
' only shook my head at him aud placed my
Angers upon my lips.
AVbat are you doing at the window ?
whore are your slippers ?" were the ques
tions that followed when I enjoined silence.
Turning around to give him a frown, and
show my displeasure in the most efficient
and silent manner, I beheld him clamber
ing up the trellis saying .
"If there's anything special to see, I'll
see it."
"Now, Frank," I whispered, "if you
don't get down lmmediatoley, I'll cut your
Angers and clip your moustache. And as he
was still rebellious, I suited the action to
the word and drew blood on that dear hand,
and clipped of the turning up hairs of the
extremity of his moustache.
" By Jove 1" he exclaimed, as he wiped
the wounded hand on my span clean white
wrapper.
With that I gave htm a gentel push
which considerably accelerated his down
ward movement.
Once safe on the ground ho looked up,
his face filled with alarm.
" What ails you Kate 1 gone crazy ? look
ing in people's windows, slashing off with
out mercy, a fellow's whiskers, and chop
ping up his hands 1 what in time is up ?"
"Now Frank," I whispered, "go away,
be a good boy. I am making a discovery
I will tell you all about it bye and bye,"
and back, I tripped to the blinds.
Miss Amanda was now adding the finish
ing touch to her head gear, and my heart
sank for fear those mysterious articles had
done their duty. No, there they were, on
the bureau, and Miss Amanda took them
both up and slipped them into her mouth
one each side 1 Then I beheld a sudden
plumpless in her face and the mystery was
out; and I left just as the rabbit's paw
descended to the ovnl box.
"Humph!" I ejaculated, ' as I entered
my own window, "she stretches her cheeks
over them, to paint them easily, just as an
artist stretches his canvas in a frame."
But what a predicament I was in 1 My
wrapper must be changed. My hair all in
disorder where little slivers in the blinds
had caught it ; my pot handkerchief, with
its red stripo and iluted bordor, very much
resombled a dishcloth ; but it was worth it
the discovery I had made was of inesti
mable value to me.
Frank was my love and a dear good one.
My uncle Henry was Miss Melbourne's
lover This was my uncle's house, and Miss
Melbourne was on a visit. Uncle Henry
had met her at soino watering place, and
she had captivated his bachelor heart, and
though he was fifty-live years old he ap
peared as fcoiihh over her as Frank did
over mo.
She was very rich, aud I sometimes
thought her estate on the banks of the
Hudson, where he had visited her sevoral
times, weighed something in tho balance,
with uncel's love ; but if so, he didn't be
tray. They were soon to be married, and
she had shown considerable authority in
the house whose mistress I had been so
long, aod moreovor,had turned up her noso
a little higher than nature made it to turn
at my Frank.
"A graceless scamp." I heard her say,
one evening, to Uncle Henry, " is that boy
who visits Kate." Explanation : Frank
covered hor poodle with burs, and Miss
Melbourne's maid was two days extracting
them from her fleecy covering and she
knew the culprit. " Yes," she continued,
" a graceless scamp, and Harry dear, (my
dignified uncle " Harry, dear !) if ho is to
become a member of your family, I think I
shall go back to Maple Hall (her home),
and resign my sweet hope."
A short argument here ensued, but un
cle got the best of it. Seeing which way
the wind blew she finally sided around, and
concluded to look over Frank's misdemean
ors, with the final burst of,
" I always did hato a West Point popin
jay t there were several at Saratoga last
summer; but I'll never leave one cent of
property to her if she marries him. I
haven't a relation in the world, ' but I'll
fouud a hospital before he shall squander
my money after I'm gono."
A flood of tears would have followed If
she had not been , afraid of the paint ; as it
was she carried her handkerchief to her
eyes, and gave a couple of hysterical sobs
that would Itgve done justice to a first-class
actress on the stage, i , i .,! . , '
' Hereupon nay Uncle Henry stroked tho
wig I wish it had dropped off-i-and said,
"PI see about it:' ;, ! ,;, '
. Bp we were enemies, she and I, from
that moment. If I' could get her out of
the house and uncle disenchanted.
That eveidng I unfoldod our prospects to
Frank, and we knew, in words, mauy a
military plan to rout the enemy, aud gain
our old ground with uncle, for he certainly
showed signs of going over with the old
maid, in opinion. And he even called my
dear Frank, Mr. Thornton, on several occa
sions. ;
Now if there was anything my uncle de
spised it was deception.
" Don't" he exclaimed, once to mo, whon
he caught me crimping my hair. " You
can't add to the beauty of those heavy
block braids by those frivolous crimps
stuck upon your head. Be natural, girl."
And ho was going to marry a woman so
natural I what could he do, the first morn
of the honeymoon, to find Miss Melbourne
so trasformed ! bald-headed, one-legged,
bleached eye-winkers, and without those
the the that pair of things I
So I thought, as I donnod a fresh dress
smoothed my hair, and opened my drawer
for a clean handkerchief. Then I went
down stairs.
There was no one about, save the servant
letting tho sunlight into tho drawing room
and dusting the furnituro ; so I stepped out
to find Frank, and disclose
I caught the glitter of brass buttons
through the shrubbery, and ran round a
turn iu the walk to meet him.
"O Frank 1" I began, but suddonly stop
ped, for that was not my Frank.
"Beg pardon," he said; bowing low,
" but is Mr. Thornton in ?"
Then he grabbed mo, and kissed mo.
I was on the point of screami ug for
Frank, Uncle Harry Miss Melbourne, and
the whole household, as visions of murder
abduction, etc., flitted through my brain,
whon Frank's old musical laugh rang out,
and he exclaimed,
" How do you like a kiss without a nious
taoho?" ' "Mercy !" I exclaimed, 'are you really
Frank Thornton ? Such a homely man,
my dear Frank ? Oh, dear I how you . look
without a moustache ; I've invited my cousin
Madeline from New York, to visit us, and
sho will see you, and I've told hor how
much you look like Louis Napoloon I Oh,
dear, what made you do it?"
" I only cut off half," he smilingly an
swered it was a real sweet smile he had;
I had never seen the whole of it before
"this side," and ho pointed to the left side
of his upper lip. " You out the other your
self. Do you suppose that I was going
about one-sided?"
" Now I got used to it, and I stopped to
take a criticizing view, " I don't mind it so
much; but lot it grow as soon as possible,
for it was your moustache I fell in love
with."
He knew I liked it, and cut it off to
plaguo mo I know; for I shall always de
clare I only clipped the ends; why didn't ho
trim the othor sido to match ?
" Never mind, now; I've got something
to tell you," I said, as I sat down on the
grass.
Frank sat down opposite, and commenced
to rock to and fro putting out his tongue,
and exclaiming, "and-er, and-er," in the
imitation of the way young ladies toll a
confidential story to each other.
"Well, you tell the story," I said.
"Dear Kate, I am all attention," and he
leaned back nonchalantly; and stroked his
upper lip I
" Bless mo, Kate 1" he exclaimed, " I
wish that I had a moustache; I shan't know
what to do with my hands."
"Well, Miss Molbourno is not Miss Mel
bourne," I said.
" Who in the douco is slui thon ? Mrs.
Henry Wayland ?" And Frank started up
in alarm.
" No, nor evor will be," I answered, and
Frank fell back on his elbow. " Sho is an
old woman of sixty, and the paints"
" I always knew that," he interrupted.
" I asked her to smoll the new, delicious
perfume on my handkerchief, and pressing
it against her cheek, to see what was what."
" No wonder, she hates you, you saucy
fellow, and," I resumed, "she woars false
teeth, upper and lower set, and "
"I know that too,", he interrupted.
The upper sot dropped down the other day,
at the table, and clicked ou her tea cup
while drinking." ,
" And I again commenced, ," she wears
false hair" .. . , , . .
, " I knew that too," he exclaimed. That
sort of Bandalette she wears got moved a
little, and the wig slipped, and I saw a
patch of shaved head here;" and he point
ed to that portion of his head where , tho
parting, oouimenced.
. "And," I said, holding my patience, for
a woman always gets vexed, when she finds
out that she cannot astonish in such an In
stance, "she , wears two .things iu her
mouth!"' . . , , , .
I paused to witness ,tbe effect of such au
announcement.
" Plumpers, by Jove I" and Frank rolled
over on the grass, and roared.
" Well, if you know so much about Miss
Melbourne, you may tell the rest," I ex
claimed thoroughly vexed. , :
" Dear Kate, go ou. False hair, teeth,
paint and whitewash, I knew she had; but
the plumpers; and he burst (into another
roar until I warned him to be careful, and
not burst off any of those brass buttons.
, "I was entirely Ignorant of the plumpers,
and any thing further," he answered soberly-
,
. .''Well, I said rising, "I shall not tell
you tho rest.' ' . .' '.
Then I just walked off into tho house,
and Frank, rather crest-fallon, came after.
Breakfast was ready, and Uncle Wayland
had already escorted Miss Melbourue to tho
breakfast room. A crisp good morning was
all ho deigned Frank and I.
Miss Melbourne could afford to smile a
little, as uncle was gradually being won
over to her sido, so she looked over her
shoulder as she passed through the door
and said,
"Aboautiful morning, Mr. Thornton."
"But not more lovely than yourself,
Miss Melbourne," he answered, gallantly
bowing low to keep from laughing, for I
pinched his elbow, and askod him if he
knew how much the plumpers were a set.
A compliment told on Miss Melbourne, it
almost counter-balanced the poodle burs,
etc., and when ho invited her and uncle to
join us In a sail that afternoon, she exclaim
ed, that she should be vory happy.
During breakfast I could not keep my
eyes from her, wondering how she engineer
all those things. Bless me ! how could I
eat toast, talk and laugh, at the same time,
with thirty-two ' bought teeth, and those
other things; all to be kept straight 1 I
think I should sit still and decline food on
the plea of sickness, and try the power of
suction to its uttermost. ' She began to
look like a woman of genius to me.
As wo arose from the table I saw" by va
rious signs such as pointing your thumb
over your shoulder, and jerking your head
in a certain direction, that Frank wanted
me to step out into the garden again in
stead of joining Miss Melbourne, as I usu
ally did for an hour or so every morning.
"Now," said Frank, as we stooped
down ostensibly to examine a certain flower
within tho border, for Uncle nonry' and
Miss Melbourne came out immediately be
hind us, the morning was so tempting.
"I've got a splendid plan, and we'll make
it work to a charm."
Then he hurriedly told me the part I was
to perform. I clapped my hands and ex
claimed, "Good I good l1'
" What is it that pleases you so, Miss
Kate?" simpered Miss Melbourne, as she
swept by on uncle's arm. .
"Oh, nothing," I answered, "only Frank
says you look youngor than I do; and I
know I am twenty-two years your junior.
Frank, totto voce,
"If not fifty."
Miss Melbourne smiled sweetly on Frank,
but uncle frowned. He knew Frank thought
anything but that, and did not relish the
"goak."
But the plan I let it unfold itself.
We had dined; and I was in my chamber
preparing for tho sail.; '
I should have worn my pretty laced boots
and made Frank carry me ovor the wet
places, usually, but now I put on my rubber
ones. I should have worn my gipsy hat
with its vine of green leaves, usually, but
now I wore last summer's ancient affuir,
and took off my empire head dress,' rings
and watch, for I bad a part to perform that
afternoon. i
I mot Miss Melbourne in th'e drawing
room, radiant with fresh paint, a rich Indi
a shawl B wrapped about her. My con
science smote me. - p i
" Why do you wear thatshawl madam ?"
I asked. " You may soil it." . ' . I
Frank got behind her and shook his head
disapprovingly at me. : , . , , , i ;
" She is rich enough to get another," he
whispered, as Miss Melbourne took a part
ing survey at herself before the mirror;
" and if you say anything more like , that
you will explode the whole concern." '
"You don't look near as pretty in that
hat," said Miss Melbourne to me, drawing
on hor lavander kids. n i '
"I don't care," I replied, " if Frank
don't, I was afraid if we lingered till night
fall the dampness might tuko tho stillness
out of the other." . '! '
So we crossed the fields and came in
sight pf the river, . Miss Melbourne and
Uncle , Wayland were alieod and we : cul-
tirits brought up-the, rear several pacos be
iind.' " ' 1 :' ' ! " i i 'i"s
Kate,H said Frank, "you cart fib with
the most Innocent look of any one 1 1 ever
saw. See Miss Melbourne's silk and that
pattern hat. How is your courage now ?"
"My courage is all right, but it is kind
of too bad isu' t it ?" and I looked ; rather
waveringly up in his face.
"Now Kate," said he gravely, "we've
planned and we must execute. We both
hate her ; she hates us. If we can hurry
her back to Maple Hill lot's do it. Once
place her in a ridiculous light before Mr.
Wayland, and his lovo will go down to
zero, if not lower. 1 ' '' 1
" Well," I assented, "go ahead, 1 will bo
prepared." , , , ; , . ,
We were now at the boat. Miss Mel
bourne was handed in and seatod, and I
sat down demurely by her side.' Frank
and uncle used all their Btrength to push
off, and soon we glided down the stream,
and sailed till the pile of clouds in the west
were crimson tinted by tho setting sun.
Miss Melbourne hinted at return, as al
ready tho early dew began to toll on her
bonnet strings, so we turned about.
We were then within a half-mile of land
ding. The wind seemed suddenly to get
fresh and flap our sail, which was propi
tious for our plan.
Nearer and nearer we came to the shore,
and I knew that the moment was fast
approaching by tho stern look that settled
on Frank's face. . Another flaw of wind, a
mismanagement of the sail known only to
Frank, and over went the boat.
A scream from Miss Molbourne, and she
was splashing in tho water. I was an ex
pert swimmer, and grasped Miss Melbourne
about her waist with one hand while Frank
righted the boat and clambered in. Uncle
came upon Miss Melbourne's other sido.
His sole anxiety was for her, knowing I
was a perfect duck in the water. -
Frank grabbed Miss Melbourne first by
hor waterfall, but alas 1 her one hundred
and ten avoirdupois could not be held by a
dozen hairpins ; but there Frank stood in
the boat, with a waterfall in his hand, mi
nus a head. Quick as thought he threw it
overboard, aud grabbed Miss Melbourne's
front hair. Alas I off that came, and Frank,
standing in the boat, looked like an Indian
chief fresh from a scalping expedition ; and
Miss Molbourne, looking like anything but
a watersprite, throw'ber head baok on the
bosom of uncle's white ooat which was al
ready pink with the fastly disapppearing
bloom of Miss Melbourne's cheeks, and
fainted.
Her mouth opened, and Frank, in his
frantic endeavors to savo her, somehow or
the other got his Angel's into her mouth,
and extracted both sets of her toeth, and
Miss Melbourne, incapable, of longer suc
tion, let the plumpers roll out upon Uncle
Waynard's breast. - '
I guess the spark of uncle's ' love went
out with the plumpers, for he smiled and
said : .
" Frank, if you can find a place that
will hold, pull her in."
" Better lot her drop," ventured the sau
cy Frank, pausing a moment as if for con
sent, and then he took her in his arms and
laid her at tho bottom of the boat. '
Uncle and I were in in a jiffy with tho
helping hand of Frank. There lay Miss
Molbourne, shorn of all her glory, and I
was just thinking I would tell unclo about
the other arttficial article when Frank ex
claimed :
" For heaven's sake what is that ?"
There was Miss Melbourne's artificial leg
lying two feet away from hor, on the bot
tom of the boat and under uncle's feet.
In the rush it had becomo unfastened.
" Good Heaven's I" exclaimed uncle,
"will this woman come all to pieces be
fore we can get her home ?"
" I'll run home and bring down a bush
el basket to convey her in," said the cruel
Frank. " I guess there is about two pecks
of her when we come to gather up the frag
ments." We landed before Miss Molbourne came
to hersolf. Uncle had gone tor the carriage.
I guess ho did not care to bo present whon
she revived. Sho partially opened her eyes
and said :
"Where am I?"
" Calm yourself, my dear madam," said
Frank, soothingly. " A part of you is here
a part drowned, and "
But she heard no more, for clapping hor
hands on hor head, and gnashing her gums,
she collapsed again.
Uncle came back in a few moments and
we entered our carriage, and wore driven
rapidly homeward.
She revived, coming up the avenue, but
" pliancy her phelinks," as uncle lifted her
to the house, to see Frank, coming along
with the leg on his shoulder and saying;
" I am sorry, my dear madam, this acci
dent ocourrod. That flaw of wind took me
unawares. But, thank Heaven, you are
safe.". , t
It is needless to add that Miss Molbourne
departed as soon as recuperated energies
came, and refusod to see unclo at all, of
which he was heartily glad ; and I don't
think he has scarcely looked at ft woman
since. . , ......
A few days after, Frank came in and
threw something on my lap. I took it up
thinking it was a pretty shell, and lo I it
was a glass eye.
. "Where did this como from?" I ex
claimed, dropping it. ' ' .
"Why, I was bailing out tlio "boat, and
found that in the bottom, I guesti , she
foigned fainting .to bide tbe hole this fit
ted,", said he, plaoing it amopgho shells
on the whatnot. . "
' " As a work of art I admir that woman,"
he said, after a pauso, " bti as no of na
ture's beauties I ; admire my Katie. ' And
he dropped on his knees at my siilo,
Christmas came and a' wedding. We
Would have boon' married Vbeforoi but I
waited for a husband with a '.moustache.
It bad got back to its old proiUH'tiou, and 1 ,
had the felicity ,qf hearing Cousin Made
line say : . ' , " '
' "Oh, Isu't, hfibandsome?