lje etimes, New JJloomficfo, $cu
A Bashful Man's Troubles.
AS MY object 1b only to give a specimen
of the numerous predicaments that
incessantly beset mo tho moment I appear
in ladies' society, I shall merely speak of
thoso that befell mo at tho only dinner in
Paris to which I was invited.
Though laden with introductory letters I
never delivered but one.
I pass by tho various efforts I mndo be
fore I could muster sufllcient resolution to
deliver O , tho letter that procured for
me, and a friend who t amo with me, the
dinner in question. I pass by too, my trep
idation at tho everlasting peal at which
the tloor-boll responded to my timid touch.
I pass by also, several minor blunders, such
as asking the porter to direct us to " la
chambrc do Madame meaning, of course,
ber drawing room. Sutlice It to say that
my loss nervous companion, dictionary In
hand, boldly led tho way ; that having trav
ersed a goodly number of courts and stairs
we at length arrived safely at an ante-room,
whore stood a servant beforo a pair of fold
ing doors, which he threw wide open, and
announced us by a pair of names that we
never should have recognized as our own,
had we met them elsewhere.
Already agitated, and jicrspiring with
nervous trepidation, this ostentatious mode
of entrance, so different from the republi
can simplicity to which I was accustomed,
was the finishing blow to my courage. 1
Blunk silently behind my unabashed com
panion, ondoavoring to muster sufllcient
resolution to control the tremor that shook
me like an ague (It. Madamo O rose
to receive us ; and, as we approached her
it became necessary for mo to deploy from
lchind my friend. Hut in so doing, I did
notice a largo pet dog who comfortably
stretched on a red velvet cushion, lay nap
ping beside his mistress, directly in my
path. On I went, anxious only to get
through tho introductory ceremonies as
soon as possible, and then seek somo re
moto comer where,
" The world forgetting, by the world forgot,
I might escape all notice or remark."
But truly says tho proverb, "Man pro
poses but tho Gods dispose ;" and very un
fortunate were their dispositions for my in
tention. As I hastened on, all glowing
with confusion, and begun my bow, I
stumbled over the detested pet, and was
suddenly precipitated head foremost, like
an ancient battering mm, into tho hip of an
elegant young lady, whom the Fates would
have sitting in that particular spot. In my
headlong career, I overturned a country
man of my own, who was seated next to
her, balancing himself on the two-hind legs
of his chair. To save himself, ho instantly
grasped the back of her chair, and his
weight at her rear, acting at tio same time
that I was hurled at her in front, decided
all hesitation, and over wo nil rolled to
gether, the chairs uppermost. The vile
cur, who had been at the bottom of the
whole mischief taking advantngi) of tho
Opportunity, now attacked me in tho rear,
in a highly effective manner, and receiving
a hearty kick in return, added his Infernal
howling to tho choi us of dismay that now
Oiled the apartment. Happily tho female
sufferer in tho melee, engrossed all tho
sympathy and attention of tho company,
but I well knew that in the short time
which had elapsed since I entered the room,
I had made three mortal enemies, of a lady,
a man and a dog.
For my own part, as soon as I had ex
tracted myself from the terriblo crash, I
retreated into the most leinoto and obscure
corner, there to hide behind tho guests my
overwhelming mortification.
The call to dinner seemed to offer rcliof
to my embarrassment, for I hoped that
would engross every one's attention, which
now I was sure, must bo occupied with my
awkwardness.
Following the company into tho dining
room, 1 saw each plato contained a caul,
on which was written the name of the guest
who was to occupy that place. Every one
seemed to find his own place, as if my mag
ic ; but for me four or flvo times did I
make the circuit of tho table, looking in
vain for mine. Indeed, I might have con
tinued running aout unnoticed, among
the crowd of servants, all dinner time, had
not Madame O 's eye at length detected
me as I circled round and round with hys-
teiically increasing rapidity, eyes dim with
confusion, and a clam my perspiration oozing
from every pore ; guided to my proper place
I sunk into my chair, exhausted with mor-
tifleatiou. Here again I found myself em
barrassed with my hat, which, having ob
served that all retained in their hands in
the drawing-room, I still grasped with des
pernio tenacity. This I at length disposed
of, as I thought at the time, with wonder
ful Ingenuity, for I hung it by tho brim be
tween my knurs, spreading my handker
chief over iU open cavity.
My scat was next a young lady, whom of
course, I was expected to entertain. I en
tertain 1 Wofully, indeed, had I already
entertained the company, but I found my
myself infinitely better to entertain the
company en inana than tingulatiin.
The ordinary routine of Frunch dinner
now commenced. Soup and bouillle, fish,
fowl and flesh, while a regular series of
servants appeared each Instant at onr el
bows, inviting us to partake of a thousand
diffeient dishes and many kinds of wine,
all under strings of names that gave me
not the remotest idea of their nature. De
spairing at length of understanding the ser
vants, or of being understood by them. I
abandoned myself to desperate compli
ance, saying only, "oaf," and accepting
everything that was offered me, ''eating,
meanwhile, with most heroic application.
Thus matters went on, till in an evil mo
ment, my fair neighbor, weary of my taci
turnity, at longth herself began a conversa
tion by asking how I was pleased with tho
opera ?
Tho question Mat ptit at an ' nnlucky in
stant ; I was just raising a largo morsel of
potato to my mouth, and in order to reply
as quickly as possible, I hastily thrust it in,
intending to swallow it as hastily. Heavens!
It was hot as burning lava. . What, could
I do I Tho lady's eyes were fixed on mo,
awaiting a reply to her question. But ray
mouth was in flames. In vain I rolled tho
burning morsel hither and thither, rocking
my head, while my eyes, which involunta
rily I had fixed on her, were straining from
their sockets.
She regarded my grimaces with such an
expression of amazement as ouo would na
turally have, under the circumstances, who
was ignorant of their cause. My mouth
was now flayed with the burning mass to
think of swallowing it seemed like facing
certain death, so, quietly abandoning the
point, I opened my mouth to its utmost,
and out dropped tho infernal firebrand upon
my plato. ,
Not the slightest tendency to a smile vis
ibly rulllcd tho countenance of my fair com
panion. She soothingly condoled with me,
on misfortune, then gradually led tho con
versation to a variety of topics, till I began
to forget oven my own blunders, and even
ventured to hope, nay to congratulate my
self, that the catalogue, of my calamities
was completed for tho day.
" Let no ono call himself happy before
death," said Solan ; and ho said wisely.
My cup was not yet full. Before us stood
a dish of cauliflower nicely done in butter.
This I naturally enough took for a custard
pudding, which it sufllcicntly resembled,
and when my fair neighbor inquired if I
were fond of " chaw flettr," I verilv took it
to be tho French for custard pudding, nod
and so high was my panegyric of it, that
my place was soon bountifully laden with
it. Alas ! one single mouthful was enough
to dispel my illusion. Would to heaven
that the "ehaufleur" had vanished along
with it. But that remained bodily, and I
gazed in despair on tho mass that loomed
up liko Vesuvius beforo mo, and my heart
died within inc.
I could almost as readily have
swallowed an equal quantity of soft soap,
but ashamed to confess my mistake, I
struggled manfully on against tho diabolic
compound. I endeavor cd to sap tho heap
at its base ; and shutting my eyes and open
iug my mouth, to inhume as largo masses
as I could without stopping to tasto it. It
happened at this juncture that in tho earn
estness and rapidity of my exertions to des
patch tho task be I ore me, my plato some
how got over tho edge of tho table, and us
I leaned forward in my desperate work,
tilted it. up, and down slid tho disgusting
mass into my lap. My handkerchief, una.
tile to hear so weighty a loan, licnt under
it, and a great portion of it was thus safely
deposited in my hat.
Tho plate instantly righted itself, and as
I glanced my eyo around tho tablo mid saw
that no one had noticed my disaster, 1 in
wardly congratulated myself that the nan
seous deception was so happily disposed of.
Resolving not to bo detected, I hastily roll
ed my handkerchief together with all its
remaining contents, and whipiied it into
my pocket.
Tho dinner tablo was at length deserted
for tho drawing room, and I sought out
what I coiihideied a safe resting pluco for
my hat, which I dared not carry longer In
my hand, and threw u piece of paper Into
the crown to hide tho culitlower from view
should any one chance, in seeking for his
own bat to look into mine.
On my return to the parlor I chanced to
bo again seated by my lady companion
of tho dinner tablo. Our conversation was
mutually resumed anil wo were in the
midst of an animated talk, when a hugo
spider was seen running like a race horse,
up her arm. "Takoitoff, take it off 1'
she shrieked in terrified tones, that attrac
ted the attention of the whole company
I was always afraid of spiders so to avoid
touching him with my hand, I caught my
handkerchief from my pocket and clapped
it at once upon the miscreant, who was al
ready running over her temple with rapid
strides.
Gracious goodness I I had forgotten tho
cauliflower which now plastered over her
face like a poultice, effectually killing tho
spider, and blinding an eye of the lady,
while the stcumlets of melted butter glided
gently down her beautiful neck and bosom.
" Mon Diou I Mon dieu !" gasped the as
tonished fair one. " Mon Diuu I" was ech
oed from every mouth.
" Have you cut your head ?" onqulred ono.
" No ! No I the spider, the spidor Mon
siour has crushed tho spider I
What a quantity of entrails I" ejacula
ted an astonished Frenchman, unconscious
ly, to liimsoif.
Well might he be astonished. The spray
of the execrable vegetable had splattered
her dress from head to foot. For myself,
the moment the acoident occurred, I had
mechanically returned my handkerchief to
my pocket but much of its contents remain
ed within it. ' ; I , 1 ;
" What a monRter It must have teen,"
exclaimed a young lady as sho helped to re
lieve my victim . fiom her cruel plight
" I declare, I should think it had boon liv
ing on cauliflower."
At that moment I felt somo one touch
me, and turning, I saw tho. friend who had
come with mo.
" Look at your pantaloons,' he whisper
ed . ? . j . 1. k
Already half dead with confusion nt the
disaster I had caused, I cast my eyes upon
my onco white garments, and - Saw at a
glance the horriblo extent of my dilemma.
I had been sitting upon tho fated pocket
and had crushed out the liquid butter and
the soft paste like vegetable,: which had
daubed and dripped down, till it seemed as
if I was actually dissolving In my panta
loons. ' ' '
Darting from the spot, I sprang to tho
place whore I had left my hat, but beforo I
could reach it a sudden storm of wrath was
heard at tho door.
"Sacr-r-el Bacr-r-e I" rolling like a
watchman's rattle, mingled with other epi
thets and names that an angry Frenchman
never spares, were heard rising like a fierce
tempest without the door.
Suddenly there was a pause, a gurgling,
choking sound, and then the storm of
wrath broke out with renewed fury.
I seized my hat and opened the door and
the whole matter was at onco explained
We had exchanged hats 1 and there he
stood, the. soft caulitlowci gushing down his
cheeks, blinding his eyes tilling bis mouth,
hair moustache, ears and whiskers.
Never shall I forget that spectacle !
There he stood astride, like the Collossus
at Uhodes, and stooping gently forward,
his eyes forcibly closed, . his arms held
drooping out from his body and dripping
cauliflower and butter at every pore.
I staid no longer, but retaining his hat
I rushed from the scene, jumped into a
cab and arriving home, buried myself, in
tho solitude of my lodgings, forever from
the world.
A Country Couple.
rilHE Cincinnati Timet tells a story of a
L green young couple from Ripely Co.,
Ohio, who were " doing tho exposition,
At last the "gall," whoso name appear
ed to be Jerusha, intimated to Rube that
sho was suffering for a drink of watci, and
ho not caring a "continental darn" for ex
penses, started in search of some place
where water could be found. Observing
ouo of Babcock s fire extinguishers of
which there were a goodly number in the
building charged ready in case of fire ho
broke for it under tho impression that it
was a hydrant.
" Here, Rusha," said he, " is ono of them
tainal new-fangled city notions, where wo
can get a drink."
" Why, Kobe, what is that?"
" That 1 Why that's a hydrant of course
You can't fool mo on liny of your patent
notions, I'm posted ; 1'vo been to town
afore, I have !"
Kusha, whose confidence in her " fellah'
elicited our unqualified admiration, took
all ho said as being gospel, but seemingly
puzzled, neveri hcless.
" Why, Reuben," says sho, "how do you
drink out of this jimcrack consarn?"
- " Just take hold of that brass consarn,
(indicating tho nozzle,) and put it in your
mouth, and I'll show you a sight by gin
ger."
Rush did as directed. Applying the noz
zel to tho capacious orifice in her frontis
piece, sho awaited events, nor did she wait
long, forRuls?, turning on the cock, Rusha
uttered a scream, and with spitting and
sputtering, and making wry faces, Rauben
saw tnoro signs than ho had ever dreamed
of.
At length Rush got her mouth cleared
"l minder ami -liars, jtuiio I what on
earth d you call that stuff1? Why, it'i
bhterer than gall I"
"Oh, pshaw ! you're green, Rnsha. Why
that's Ohio river water. It's not near
us good as the water in your dad's well
not by a long chalk. But it's tho only kind
city folks has. Let mo show you how to
drink It."
So saying, Rube opened what nature had
intent d for a mouth, but what would have
answered for a model for a traveling cellar
door, and putting in tho nozzul thoro, gavo
the cock another turn and took one swallow
when he, too cavorted, and tore around
though a hornet had mistaken his mouth
for its nest.
" Wol, gal, I'll bo gosh almigty goll
darned t May I bo eternally flabbergast!'
and cut into bits, if that ain't the rottenest
tarnalest, ornarist, stinking water I eve
did tast : Tell you what It Is Rusha, that
some of tho new kind of water city folk
havo got to drinking. Sulphur water they
call it. I'ulways heard them tell that it tast
ed like rot ton eggs, and no mistake. Let'
go to the hotel, Rusha, for I begin to feel
squeamish, in my inwards."
So saying, Rubo and Rn sha walked off
whilo the large number of visitor witness
ing the scene, were making tho buildiii
shake, and bursting their sides with laugh
ter over their ludicrous blunder,
SUNDAY BEADING.
- Christian Temperance.
A fow years ago, two men were caught
In the rapids above Niagara Falls. They
Were being hurled on to destruction. The
end of a rope was thrown out. One of them
suited it, but the other caught hold of a
floating log. Tho flint was drawn to the
shore ; the other, in a fow moments, passed
with the log over the falls.
So we look at two men endeavoring to
save themselves from the rapids of a ter-
ible appetite, i One of them seizes upon
the rope of Christian faith, that is fastened
ii heaven, and is saved. The other de
pends merely upon the uncertain purposes
and resolutions that ho has mado, and ap
petite sweeps him on to ruin.
He who would successfully struggle with
temptation and appetite, and he who would
work successfully as the savior of tho de
graded, must not only add patience to his
temperance, but also godliness to his pa-
lence.
The madness of appetite is liko the de
moniac of tho Gadarenes. You may bind
it with the fetters of laws, and pledges, and
(solutions, and they may all be broken.
You cannot bind intemperance, "no, not
with chains." You cannot tamo it with
constant watching. Christ must como near
and bid the fiend "Come out of him
changing his heart with divine love, ere he
can be seen "clothed, and in his right
mind." Caline IHk.
Home Conversation.
Children hunger perpetually for new
ideas. They will learn with pleasure from
lips of parents what they deem it drudgery
to study in books : and even if they havo
the misfortune to be deprived of many ed
ucational advantages, they will grow up
intelligent if they enjoy in childhood tho
privilege of listening daily to tho conversa
tion of intelligent people. Wo sometimes
see people who are tho life of every com
pany they enter, dull silent, and uniuter
esting at home among their children. If
they havo not mental activity and mental
stores sufllcient for both, let them flint use
what they havo for their own households
A siieui house is a dull piaco lor young
people, a place from which they will escape
if they can. How much useful informa
tion, on tha other hand, is often given In
pleasant family conversation, and what un
conscious but excellent mental training in
lively social argument. Cultivate to tho
utmost all tho graces of homo conversation.
Beautiful Illustration.
An English minister, named Toller, was
preaching from the text, " Let him take
hold of my strength, that ho may make
pcaco with me. In commencing his dis
course, he said: "I can convey tho
meaning of this passage so that every ono
mny understand it by relating what took
place within my own family within a few
days. One of my children had committed
a fault, for which I thought it my duty to
chastise him. I called him to me, explain
ed to him the evil of whnt he had done,
and told him how grieved I was that I must
punish him for it. He heard mo in silence
and theu rushed into my arms, and burst
into tears, I could sooner have cut off
my aim, than have then struck him Tor his
fault ; he hail taken hold of my strength
and made peace with me."
Not One Missing.
The following eloquent passage, is from
the pen of the lamented Albert Barnes :
"A whole family in Heaven I Who can
picture or describe the everlasting joy I
No father, or mother, nor son, nor daught
er ts away, in the world below they were
united in faith and love and peace and joy.
In tho morning of the resurrection they as
cend together in united adoration. On tho
banks of tho river of life they walk hand in
hand ; and, as a family,have commenced a
career of glory which shall bu everlasting.
There is hereafter to bo no mora separation
in that family. No one is to lie down on a
bed of pain. Never in heaven is that
family to move along in tho slow proces
sion, nor In the habiliments of woe to con
sign ouo of its members to the tniub. Uod
grant that in His mercy every family may
be united.
Flying fur Refuge.
There was onco a little bird chased by a
hawk, and in its extremity It took refuge
in tho bosom of a tenderhearted man.
There it lay, its wings and feathers quiver
ing with fear, mid its little heart throbbing
against the bosom of tho good man, whilo
tho hawk kept hovering overhead, as if
saying, " Deliver up that bird, that I may
devour it." Now, will that gentle, kind
hearted mau take the poor little creature
that puts its trust in him, out of his bosom,
and deliver it up to tho hawk? What
think ye? Would you doit? No, never.
Well, then if you tleo 'for re.fugo Into tho
bosom of Jesus, who tamo to seek anil save
the lost, do you think Ho will ever deliver
you up to your deadly foo? No never 1
t3rFlth-j..iued wi1h prayer mnketh it
muketli tt bmiofiehil und cflVctuul
f19 No prayer can tio the will of God
unto us, except first of all wo renounce and '
pompier our own wills.
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. Has been tested by the public
. " , FOB TEN YEA US.
i
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1 " ' . . ! Renovates and
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Is the very remedy fur the Weak
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' .i
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' 1 Strength !
(
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Restores the Appetite and
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Causes the food todlgest, removing
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Gives tone and energy to
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All recovering from any illness
. ' ' will find this tho
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, , , Is an effective
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Cures Jaundice, '
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Has restored many Person
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Should be taken if your Stomach
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DR. CROOK'S WINE OF TAR
Possesses Vegetable Ingredients
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Should bo taken for all
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i cmQ1VB COMPOUND
'I
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Removca Syphilis
"'' or the discuses It entails
:' - inotteflevlUHlly and speedily
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So ly