l)c GKme3, Ntto Bloomftcltr, $3a.
Bloomfield Academy!
An English anil Classical School
FOR
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
Young Men Prepared For College.
A Normal S hiil and a Srhool of Art.
FALL TERM COMMENCES
On, Monday, the 28A of August, 1871
AB the above school has recently been re-organized,
students ean enter anv time.
I'nif. WM. II. DILL, a graduate ol Kutger's Col
lege, N. .1., Principal.
Miss ANNA K. AUGSrUHGEIt, a frrnduntA of
Esther Institute, Columbus, Ohio, teaeher ol Mu
sic, Fainting. Drawing, French nml (JoriBan.
Every facility for the training of the youth of both
Rexes In all that constitutes a liberal and thorough
education.
Tit Collegiate Department
embraces all the higher branches, Including the
Latin and Greek Langtiagcs, Kiigiueerlng, l'racti
cal Surveying, I literature, Natural Science and ad
vanced Mathematics.
Vacations; July and August, and one week at
Christmas.
Ternist For Hoarding, Furnished Hoom, Wash
ing, Tuition in Latin, Greek, Kngllsh ltranchcsaud
Mathematics, for t tie scholastic year, J18U.
lu vacations.
The Hoarding Department Is at the Institution,
under the supervision of Wiliam Grier, Ksq., by
whom good and substantial board will be fur
nished; and the pupils will be under the strict care
or tue rriucip.ii, Aouross
W. II. DILI,, A. M. Principal,
or WILLIAM GUI Kit.
4lt New Illoomlield, Torry county, Pa.
Photographs I
Photographs !
JACOB COBLE,
Photographic Artist,
NEWPORT, PENN'A.
TnE subscriber would respectfully call the at
tention of the eltirnns (if this pnmirv tsi tli
fact that he Is prepared to take l'HOTUQRA PHS
in me oesi styie 01 tne art. ills long experience
oimuiea iiiiu w rouuce
PICTURES WHICH CANNOT BE EX-
VJHL.1.EV.
All persons are requested to call at his rooms and
examine specimens.
Particular attention given to copying likenesses
ef deceased persons, and great care will be taken
to furnish
Good Pictures of Children.
Framing material and a good assortment nf frames
always on nana, ana tor sale at low prices.
JACOB COBLE, ArUtt,
Newport, Perry Co., Pa
Hair Restorative I
3 JfWaa.
n
A
Contains NO LAO 8UI,rHTJR-No BUGAB OF
LEAD No LITHAHGK No NITKATK OF
HILVKIt.and is entirely free from the Poisonous
ana HeaHb-destroylng Drugs used in other Hair
Preparations.
Transparent and clear as crystal. It will not soil
the nest fabric perfectly AFK, CLEAN, and
KFK1C1KNT desideratum LONU bOUUliX
OS AND.VOUNU AT LAST I
It restores and prevents the Hair from Incom
ing Gray, impart a sort, glossy appearance, re
moves Dandruff, Is cool and refreshing to the
bead, checks the Hair from falling off, auf restores
It to a great extent when prematurely lost, pre
vents Headaches, cures all Humors, Cutaneous
eruptions, and unnatural Heat. AM A DKKHH
1NC1 FUK TUX HAUtll UTHU BEST ABT1CLK
LNTHK HAMLET.
Dr. O. Smith, Patentee. Groton Junction, Mass.
Prepared only by Procter Brothers, Gloucester,
Mass. The Genuine Is put up In a panel bottle,
niade expressly for It, with the name of the article
blown In the glass. Ask yo ur Druggist for Na
ture's Hair Restorative, aud take no other.
Bend a three cent stamp to Procter Bros, for a
Treatise ou the Human Hair. The Information It
Con talus la worth 6UU 00 to any person.
NEW STORE!
CHEAP GOODS!
frill K subscriber having opened a new Wore, on
X door East of Swegers Hotel, solicits a share
of the public patronage. He has just received a
tall supply of
IV (5 W O O O 1
and will constantly keep on hand, a complete as
sortment ol
DRYOOODS,
Q VEENB WARE
BOOTS A SHOES.
GROCERIES
HARDWARE,
HATS CAPS.
And Everything else usually kept la Stores.
CaU and tee my stock.
BOB'T. N. WILLIS,
8 ' : New BloomReld, Pa.
APLKX1)IT a HHOllTMKVrn
OP
DRY- GOOD CI
ilY.GOODO
Suited to the Season,
Arc Now Offered for Bala by
7. H02TIMEB, & CO.
A L-li KINDS OF JOB 1MUNTINQ
am. neaiiyeuK
fceara Job lime.
Neatly tKuU)4 at the BlooBn14 Times
A GREAT MEDICAL DISCOVERY
Dr. WALKER'S CALIFORNIA
VINEG-AR BITTERS
i Hundred of Thousands
y f. Bear testimony to their Wonder
5. 9 ful Curative Effects.
fii WHAT ARE
S ' THET ARB NOT A VILE f
ia FANCY DRINK, PI
Mode or Poor Rom, Whlslioy, Proof Kplrltn
and Refnaai lilquore doctored, spiced ar.d sweet
ened to pleas ths tag to, celled" Tonics," "A ppct:
ere," - ltestonrs," o., that lead the tippler on to
drnsjr.ena.ee and rnln, bat sr a true Mnuelne, mado
from UisK stive Kootiud liorbsof California, trro
fraasjBlt Alcbllo Mlwalanta. Tbcy sro tho
Utttil BL(MII PfltlklKU. and A LIFB
GITIRU VKII'ICIPI.E a perfect Konovator aad
Invlgorator of tbo System, carrying off all poteonov.
m&Ker and restoring the blood to a hoalthycucc'iltiun.
Ko porsoa can taka these Biltors according to direc
tion and mnala long nnwclL
SI wUibe given for aa lncnrabla oxm, pruvl Jtd
the bones are not destroyed by mincrcl m-itu or
other means, and tbs vital organi wasted bcy&Ld U.s
point of repair.
Few IaSasssamtary and Ghronle Kbtinn-
tlssa Uoau Dyepepsla. or Indlaeatton.
BIIIm. Meaillteal aad Intermlttenl Fovern
DIsmum of the Blamt, Liver, Kidneys, and
Bla4de( ttes Bt Iters hava seen most sneecn
ml. ftatk IIIjmih ar caused by Tlilated
Bloosl. whisk is goncnlly prodoeed by deransomoct
or ta Dislv usss.
DTOPBFHIA O lHniGKiTIU!f, Head
echo, Pala la Us lbonk.srs, Conghs.Tlsntiieas of tlio
Chest, IMaslnses, boor IraetaUons of the Blomaeli,
Bad tasks ia tlie Month Bilious Attaoks, TalpltaUoa
of tn Bsais, InOaauBaUon of the Langs, Pain it tho
regions of the Klawys, and a hundred othar pmUnL
symptoais, ars in onsprlngsof Drspepata.
Thiy Uvigotaij tha Stomach and tlmniat tua tor
pid llvsr and bovta. whlca render them ottuieqTiallcd
eocsey la etsansiag w blood of all tmpartUo. and
imparting nw 1U and vigor to th wools svstom.
VOssttnVIS DlBASES,lUnj)UonE,Tettcr.6ttlt
Iflieam, Blotches, Bpots, riniples, Pastales, BoUs. Csr
fancies, King-Worms, boald-lload. Bora Eyea.Eryslp.
olaa. Ilea, feearn), Blscoloratlons of tusBkln, Bamor
ad Diseases of tli tlUn, of vhatovar namo or nature,
ar literally dig np and onrrlod ont of tbo systom In a
anon tuns t y ti as of those Bitters. One bottle In
sack sasss lll cobvumo the most lacredalons of their
earsBV saTsot.
Cleans tbs VitlsSsd Blood whenever yon find Its
Impurities banting through tho skin In Flmplea, Erup
tions or Soros cleanse It when yon And It obstructed
and stnfgtali la tua voles i clean It when it is foal,
and yonr toellsa lll loll yoa wuan. Keep tha blood
par and lb health of lit system will follow.
Pig. YAPBandoUiu WOllMa, larking In th
ystem of u ussy giwisssiH. at oSbotunlly destroy
ed and removed. For full dlresUona, row carefulr
tbs clrsalar toaad aoh bosslo, printed tn soar lan
gasgos BngJlli,Utnto, Frunoh sod Bpanlsb.
J. WALKBn, iToprlclor. B. H. MCDONALD ft CO
PmgsisU and Oen. Agent. Ban Fraaclsco, Cal,
and a? and 84 Commar street. Mow Tork.
r3r SOLD BT ALL BKUUOIilTS AND DBALEBS.
1780 TAKE NOTICE. 1871
Are Yon Afflicted or Sick ?
USE
PAHRNE Y'S
BLOOD CLEANSER
3
OB
PANACEA
t
A N Alterative and Cathartic, or Tonic and
XI. Purge, lor diseases arising from bad blood
This Preparation was established In ISTO.and
baa keen prepared In iifuid form for more than
to years, in January or February. 1870. anoth
er party commenced to prepare a similar article
wnicn is interior to the genuine, and which
should not be mistaken for ours. Ask for "Dn
Fahbxit's Blood Cliahse ob PaicaCIa .'
and accept no othera.
The Trade Hark of the oldest and genuine.
Is printed In grun on a yellow wrapper, hav
ing siso me signature 01 r. ranrney, M..U.,
Chicago.
" Ur. r, f ahrneu' Jluxtth Meiunotr" srlvci
the history and uses of the Blood Clbanseh,
testimonials, and other Information, sent free
cnarge. Aaaress
Db. P. Fahbvbt's Bbotbiri & Co.,
. Waynesboro, Franklin County, Pa.
Ask for Dr. Fahrney's Blood Cleanser and
CLEAN8K YOUH BLOOD.
V-v flnld Averwhflra anil In Maw TltimmaAlil
by F. Mobtihbb & Co., only. S 18
FOR EVERYBODY !
OMB of the most useful articles ever Invented,
IS KKNNKDV8
lovelty Flexible
HAND-PRINTING PRE88.
With this little Press every man can do his own
printing at a trilling expense, as the price of a
machine Is no greater than the cost of printing a
lot of Cards or Envelopes. Every one who sees It
says it is
aTuatt the Tlilnir,
and should be owned by every business man.
These Dresses are for sale br the subscriber who
Is now canvaaalug this vicinity with specimens.
soliciting orders.
JOHN O. MOORE,
New UloomOeld, Pa,
5-86.
A Perfectly. Non - Explosive Lamp!
PEKKINH ft HOUfiE'H PATENT I, A MPS are
the only tamp that Uivaa PiaracT rUvrrt
with all kinds or oil. They are made of brass,
and will last a lifetime, making them the
CHEAPIST LAMP IN THK WORLD.
and will supply Merchants at the Manufacturers'
price. Persons wanting a good article aie re
quested to examine this lamp.
hew Bloomfield, Pa.
ML, A genu wanted to canvass the County.
Why Keep That Cough P
When a bottl of Rohrer's Lnng Balsam wll
cure it. It la pleasant to take, and mora efloc
live than any other eougb medicine. Try It
cor aaie oy i. Mortimer ef uo.. Mew Bloom
feld,and most other store la tha countj.
If?
THEY? 8 b s
CONSUMPTION.
ITS CURE AND ITS PREVENTIVE.
By J. R. gCHAHUB, t XX
Knny a hriman bplnr has psmmt away Ibr whom
death ther wan no other rearm than tlm neirleotof
ktiown and Indisputably proven muniis of cure.
Those near and dear to family and friends are
nleeplntf the dreamless slumber into which, had
tbev calmly adopted
IB. jombpii r. arvrnirri-aj mimpi
TsttrsnT,
and availed themwelves of hi wonderftilly emca
clis merttclnes, tlieywonld not have rallen.
lr. Hrhenrk. has In his own cane proved thai
wherever mifflrlent vitality remains, that vitality,
by his meriirltiM and his directions for their use, ia
quickened Into healthntl viiror.
In this statement there l nothlnr presnmptnons.
To the faith of the invalid la marie norepreMeiitatlon
that is not a thousand times aiihstantlaUHl by living
and visible works. Th theory or the cure by Lr.
Hchenrk's medicines Is as simple as it Is unfailing.
Its philosophy requires no argument. It is self-aa
surlng. self-convincing.
The Hea-weetl 'i onic and Mandrake Pills are the
first two weaiHins with which the cltnxlel of the
malady la asKallvd. Two-third of the cases of con.
sumption nrlitlnate In dyspepsia and a functionally
disordered liver. With this condition the bronchial
tubes "sympathlTe" with the stomach. They r
spond to the morblllc s:tlon of the liver. Here then
conies the culminating result, and the setting in,
With all Its dlstres'lm; symptoms of
4 oiai MfTIO.
Tn Mandrake Pills are composed of one nf Na
ture's noblest Klfw-the i'oclophllluiu 1'eltatum.
Tliey pmuess all the blnod-siurrhliiK, alterntlve
properties of calomel, but. unllkocalomel. they
"LIATC MO MTIN dtCSSl SI It."
Thework of cure Is now bea-imiluv. The vitiated
end mucous deposits lu lit bowels and In the ali
mentary canal are ejected. The liver, like a clwk,
is wound up. It arousiw from Its torpidity. Tho
stomsrh arts responslvely. and the palieul beulns
to feel that he Is ki-UInr-, at lust,
A si rriit tr hd sionn.
TheHea-weiii Tunic, In conjunction with the Pills,
permeates and assimilates with the rood. Chyllll
cation la now progressing- without Its previous tor
ture. Dlsastlon livcome painless, and thncurola
seen to be at hand. There Cs no more flatulence, no
exacerbation of the stomach. An appetite aets lu.
Mow comas lha irreaLeaL HIivm! fiii-blar v.,t
Iven by an Ihdulseui fmher to BurTorlna man.
inhanck a fnlnioole Mvmt, ....ma. i ,n n...7..n. o.
functions and to hasten and comoletn the eurn Tt
ciiura at ones upon Its work. Nature can not ba
cheated. It collect and ripens the Impaired and
diseased portions of the lungs. 111 the form of
ti.i,(iiiK, i, prepare mem tur expectoration, and
o I In a verv SlllirL tlnta II, a .lo.lul. v. l.k-l
the rotten throne that It occupied Is renovated and
mad new, aud the patient, In all the dijrnlly of re
gained viiror, steps forth to enjoy the mauhood or
womanhood that waa
r if I.OSJT.
Th second thins; Is, lbs patianta must stay In'a
wnrm room until they get well ; It la almost Impos
sible to prevent taking cold when the lungs are dis
eases, but it must tie prevented or cure can not ba
enectee:. fresh air and rldlngntit.eapeclallylu this
section of the country, In the rail and winter soa
son, sr all wrong. Physicians who recommend
that cuura loa t&elr patients, If their lungs ar
badly diseased; and yet, because they are In th
nous they must not nit down quiet; they must walk
bout tb room as much anil aa fast as the strength
wll bear, to gel up food circulation of blood. The.
rur;ILn a aep in food spirits be determined
. wii. j uia ii
has a f real deal to do with the
annrHta. and la tha uret iii, uai
.?,1"1l'-lr "' r"r '5,'r "ch evidence of Its pos
sibility lu the worst caaes, and moral certainty In
all others, la slnrul. Dr. Hchenck s personal state
ment to the faculty or his own cur was In then
mod eat words;
.n'Lf S"7 '"V".1 I" th last stsaes of con
snmi tlon i confined to my lied, and at one time my
physicians thnughtthat I could not Uvea week; then.
Ilk drowning man catching at straws, I heard of
and ohtalntd th prearatloii which I now offor to
th public, and they made a perfect cure of me. It
seemed to me that I could feel them penetrate my
whol system. They soon rljiened the matter In my
Itings.and I would spit up more thanaplntof otTan
alv yellow matter every morning for a long time.
"As soon aa that began to nubsld. my cough,
fever, pains, and night-sweats all began to leave nie.
mX !'.w.li.'w hccame so great that it was with
dlfllculty that I could keep from eating too much.
I soon gained my strength, and have grown In flesh
ver since.
...'I1,?!" welghd shortly after my recovery," added
the Doctor, then looking like a mereskeleion ; my
wc,!..w" onl'r nlnety-soven pounds; my present
weight Is two hundred and twenty-flve (gas) potiniU.
atid for years I havenJoycd uninterrupted Health.''
.i ,. .Bcl'"cl5. bM discontinued hla professional
Islls to New Vork and Boston. He or hla son, Dr
rhitSS1 'JC-v""11 eontlnue to see patients at
their onice, Is o. 15 Jorth Hlxth Hlreet, Philadelphia,
LT Saturday from a.m. to I r.M. Those who
Z!fZ. i,,,.'2,0H-h xamlnatlon with th Heaplro
rneterwlll becharged V The Reaplrometer declare
eft eondltlon of the lungs, and patienta can
whether they are curalile or no
1 he directions for taking the medicines are adapt
ed to the Intelligence even of a child. Follow than
dlrectlons.andltind Nature will do the rast. excei.t
Ing that In soma caaca th Mandrake Pills are to b
taken In Increased doaes; th three medicine need
no other acoompanlments than th ample Inatnic
tlona that accompany them : First create appetite.
Ofreturnlug health, hunger Is the moat welcom
ymptom. When It comes, aa It will come, let th
despairing at one be of good cheer. Good blood at
once follows, th cough loosens, th night-sweat la
abated. Ins short time both of these morbid symp
toms are gone forever. ' r
t. Kchenck' medicines ar constantly kept In
Oris of thousands of families. As a laxative or pur.
f,Tiih,?.M,nS.r11 Km' standard prepari
""2 w W Ul loonlc Brup, a a cur o cough
and colds, may be regarded as a prophylactJrlo
agaJnst conaumpUon In any of Its forms.
Prle of th Pulmonic Byrup and Hea-wesd Tonlo.
JO bottle, or 7JW a half doxen. Mandrake Tpilhl
Ucentsabox. For sale by aU drugglau and deaienl
Btreet, Philadelphia, Wholesale Agents. 6 23 ly
, 1 1 -.v. , a i w vunncs, ouz Ann
3STEW YORK
CONTINENTAL
Life Insurance Company,
OF NEW YORK,
STRICTLY MUTUAL t
Aasistotal, f A.fSOO.OOO t
TSSUESallthenew forms ol Policies, and pre:
JL aents as favorable terms as any company in t 8
United States.
1 he Company will make temporary loans on It
a uiiciva.
ThlrtV dava' ffrace allowed on each nivnunt and
the policy held good during that time.
Policies issued by this Company are non-forfeiture.
No extra charges are made for trawling permits.
Policv.holdara ahara In the annual urnrlljiof tha
Company, and have a voice lu the election aud
management of the Company.
fiu puuvj ur nieuicai ifccnargea.
Justus Lawkknci. Pres't.
M. B. Wymkuop, Vice Pres't
J. F.Koubiu, Bec'y.
v. r. X.A it'is.
Ueueral Agent,
NO. 8 North Third Street
lyl College block, Harrlsburg, Pa.
S300
COMMUTATION MONEY.
The above amount will ha rafnunded to all sol
diers who were dralted while In the service, and
who paid 1300 commutation money ; and also to all
persons who paid commutation money who were
not legally liable to draft. Claims must ba filled
before the 1st of March, 1871 . Call on, or address.
l.UWIM WITTh-ll Atti.rn.vri,r.lm.i,l. '
yew blooiuflold. Pa,
NOTICE. Notice Is hereby given that all
persons ar forbidden to enter the Vine,
yard of the subscriber without his permission.
All persons found therein without his llransa ara
subject to a lino for treapasslng. No visitors ar
snowra in tne vineyara upon me nanoatn day.
All visitors are. heartily walconia uiwin anv ..tbae
day of tha week.
.. t DUIt lllt-'B, jr.
BUottsburg, P U 3t o w
English Hoofing Felt
Is found to stand well In all climates, being; ex
tensively used for Roeflng Houses, Out-Build-lngs
and Blicdsj for Lnying Flat Roofs, Gutters,
Lining; Grnnnrlcs, Storehouses, or WitHs,
(cither outside or Inside), and for placing un
der Slates or Tiles. It Is also a cheap and
circctlvo Ceiling on the undernenth side of raf
ters of a Slated or Tiled Roof, nnd ns a Celling
to Iron Roofs, counteracting Heat, Frost, ana
Condensation of Moisture.
Tho English Felt Is put up in rolls of 25
yards In length, by 83 Inches In width, nnd
containing a surfneo of 200 square feet.
3 THREE-PLY FELT FOR ROOFING.
In Rolls, 26 Inches wide, by 50 feet in length;
ench roll will cover a surlnco 10 feet squaro, or
100 square fect.
It is to be laid across tho roof, shingle fash
ion, with a lap of two Inches, and secured by
nailing the edges with 3d nulls aud tin caps.
Wheu laid, the Felt Is to bo painted with
Mastic Roof Coating, nnd Sanded. Tho Mas
tic Roof Coating Is mixed, reatly for use, and
1b applied with a brush.
TARRED ROOFING FELT.
Used extensively for Sheathing Houses, and for
Tar nnd Gravel Roollttg, also for placing uutlcr
Slnto, Tin nnd Shlns;lo Roofing.
It is lined in packing Woolens and Furs to
protect them from moths.
Put up in rolls weighing 45 pounds each.
15 pound3 Felt will cover a surface of 100
squaro fect.
TWO-PLY FELT,
For Sheathing Houses, Roollng Temporary
Buildings, making Watertight Floors, and for
placing under Sluto and Shingles.
In rolls, 20 inches wide by 50 fect In length.
Each roll will cover a surface of 10 feet Bquaro
or 100 Bqunro fuct.
For Sheathing it can be nailed upon tho stud
ding, making n perfectly air tight Bhcathlng,
and suro protection from dnnipnesa. Rats,
mice, or vermin will not go near it.
MICA CANVAS ROOFING,
In rolls containing 250 Bqunro fect. Is to bo
laid across the roof, and lapped Bhlnglo fash
ion with a lap of two inchoB, and secured by
nulling tho edges with 20 oz. tacks.
This ia t.hn nnlv flnmnnRltlnn Itnnflnrr thnf
docs not require a finishing coat of paint or
ceiuuut.
UNTARRED SHEATHING FELT,
For Carpot Lining, Deadening Floors, and for
putting under Hlnto, Tin and Shinglo Roofing
Put up In rolls weighing 100 pounds.
10 pounds Felt will cover a surface 10 fect
square, or 100 square feet.
MANUFACTURED BY THE
PENN HOOPING CO.,
105 South 2nd Street,
5S3 26t MIIIiAOELiPUIA, PA.
1IA11DWA11E!
UAlinWAllEl
TnE subscribers have on hand at all times,
as complete an assortment of Hardware
as can oe louna in tne county.
NAILS,
HINGES,
LOCKS,
GLASS,
PAINTS & OILS,
and a fine assortment of all styles of
Builders Hardware,
Also,
CARPENTER TOOLS,
TABLE CUTLERY,
COFFEE MILLS,
SPOONS,
SHOVELS,
HOES,
and a full stock of
Hardware of Every Description,
AH of which will be sold at the lowest market
prices. Person wanting any articls In this
line are requested to call and examlue onr stock
F. MORTIMER & CO.,
Naw Bloomtibld, Pa.
Tfie Colby Wringer
WITH
Moulton'a Patent noils.
The Most Perfect!
The Cheapest!
And Bett Wringer in the World
Rolls are pure white Rubber. Frame can
never rot, rust or wear out. It takea less
room than any other, la lighter, fastens Itself
to toe tuD, runs easier, and la THE FAMILY
avuiu ii wherever used,
It 1 WARRANTED In avarv raaa. Wa nnt
good active
LIVE ACENT8
to canvass In every Uwn, to whom good wage
are Insured. Full Instructions and particular
given upon application to Colbt Bso'a A Co.,
608 Broadway, N. Y. 5 82 a 18.
Pensions, Bounties, &o.
firiDOWS, Minor Children, Mothers, Fathers.
TV Ac., of Miilfliara who wars killed or died ol
disease contracted In the (Service of the United
Btates, can now make application (or Pension.
Also noiuiera wno contracted disease or were
wounded, ruutured. or In any way disabled in tha
war ol lam.
When widows die or re-marry, the ehtld or
children under sixteen years ot age are entitled to
Pension.
Tha time for flllns: claims for additional count
ba been extended six mouth.
Particular attention liven toold susoended can
la th dlOerent departments at Washington, D. 0
Government, call oa or address th undersigned,
ho charm (or Information.
LEWIS J'OTTKU,
Attorney for Claimants, -IH
KKW BLOOM FIELD, PA,
HUMOROUS ITEMS.
fiti?" A California hotel has a vase la
bolcd " 2th pioks."
A teacher of vocal musio asked
on old lady if her grandson had an ear
for music. " I really don't know, you
can take the candle and see."
JQy A Georgia man has been tho fa
ther of fifty-six children. He also chews,
smokes, nnd drinks quito freely, and is
very well, thank you, at the age of 80.
JCQT A begging tramp of mouldy ap
pearance having applied to ono of our
houses lor something to relieve his dis
tressing needs, the benevolent lady there
of hunded him a piece of soap.
ASf An honest country parson, who in
tho time of a great drouth, was desired
to pray for rain, answered : " I'll willing
ly do it to oblige you, but it is to no pur
pose whilo the wind is in this quarter."
t A man named Teppcr gave a par
ty, and ono of his guests, on entoring
tho room, exclaimed, " My dear Mr. Pep
per, how glad you must bo to see your
friends mustered !"
flay" A stranger meeting a man in the
streets of Boston a few days sinco, rough
ly accosted him with, " Here I want to
go to tho Treuiont House 1" Tho delib
erate reply was, " Well, you can go, if
you won't bo gone long."
A littlo bit of a thing, who had
just got back from a party, was asked by
her mamma how she had enjoyed herself.
" O mamma," I'm so full of happiness
I couldn't be no happier, without I
was bigger."
4Sy A young lady who after kissing a
two year old boy made tho remark, " I
love to kiss little boys," was exceedingly
surprised by a little five year old eirl in
quiring if she didn't liko to kiss big
boys too t
flay A child who abominates dogs,
when told that God made everything,
earnestly asked, " Did he make dogs
too ?" When told that he did, sho ea
gerly inquired if he made them out of
bark ?
SS?A friend of ours was traveling
while afflicted with a very bad cough.
He annoyed his fellow travelers greatly
till one of them remarked ia a tone of
displeasure, " Sir, that is a very bad
cough you have ?" " Truo sir," replied
our friend, " but you will exouso me it
is the best I have got."
SOT A very smart boy, on his return
from college, attempted to prove that two
were equal to three. Pointing to a roast
ed chicken on the table, he said, " Is not
that one T" and then pointing to another,
"Is not that two f and do not two and
one make three ?" Whereupon his father
said, " Wife, you take one and I'll take
the other, and our smart boy can have
the third for his dinner."
Va8 An invalid once complained to
his neighbor of a shanghai which the
latter kept. Tho bird was a terrible nui
sance, and gave him no peace day or
night. " But," said tho skeptical owner,
" my cock only crows four or five times a
day. I don't see how that can annoy
you so much." " Because," replied the
sufferer. " vou don't take into nnnrmnt
all the times when I am expecting him,
to crow.-'
" Katarina, I like to know who
gief you de privilige dat you shall go
and spent me fife cent for to puy that
ploo ribbon vat you got died arount your
vaterfalls? You want to preak up my
pizziness, eh ? I pet you dem tings don't
nafnr hnnnAn Benin in ilia fnmllw
1 J""' aajasw muiti ayvivtavuiw
I scalp you down so flat as you can't
stant, ain't it!" " Coom Shake," turn
ing to a friend, " let s eo ; lent us a half
a tollar, and go on a shpree out mit de
ocneutzen.
M&" A well-known gentleman of Bos
ton having occasion to execute a piece of
writing, entered a prominent drinking sa
loon with a friend, and asking tha land
lord to furnish him with pen and ink, was
politely accommodated. Having comple
ted his task and lacking the wherewithal
to recompense Boniface, by patronising
the house, he got off the following :
Thanks, my friend, for jour ink and bottle,
I have nothing in turn to bestow
Though there's plenty of dust In my throttle,
There is non In my pocket below.
The cenial croorietor immediatalv
saw the point, and laughing, invited the
Soet to join him in a " smile," which he
id and went on his way rejoicing.
An ecoontrio friend of ours stoo
ped into a store in the village, whioh
shall be nameless, where some " colored
bretherin" were doing a little trading.
"Ah, Mr. n said our friend.
" you have your cousins in, I see."
The young merchant said nothing but
looked mad. Our friend stepped out,
but in a few minutes returned, after the
sable customers bad departed.
" I hope yoa won't take any offense at
what I remarked here just now," said he.
. " Oh, no," said the merchant, 11 1 n av
er take offence at anything you say."
"Glad of it," replied our ouiszer.
" the niggers are as mad as the d I."
And then he sloped, narrowly missinir
a flying yardstick.
neatmi