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FRANK MOItTIMEIt, ) . " "
Eaaoranarropnetor. f AN INDEPENDENT FAMILY NEWSPAPER. reorUf4r
"Vol. IV. New Bloomfield, J? November 29. 187X). IVo. 48.
Ja FubUshed Weekly,
At New Bloomfield, Penn'a.
BY
FRANK MORTIMER.
SUBSCRIPTION TEUMS.
ONE DOLL All J'EIt YEAll I
Oil lO CENTS PElt MONTIT,
IN ADVANCE.
Marrying a Fortune.
' ' "7"es I'W do it, Ralph, even if slie is
JL a scr.aggy, worthless, hairless,
dried-up, yellow, vinegar faced old maid.
I'll marry her ; or rather her fortune 1" and
so saying ho leaned himself back in his
chair, and commenced puffing away as
cooly at his cigar as though marrying was
the most common place, uninteresting af
fair ever dreamed of.
" You speak quite confidently, my young
man,' returned his companion, 'perhaps
the lady in question won't have you. Don't
ho too conceited, if you have been called
irresistible."
"Fiddlesticks I I guess my unclo's for
tune was the most irresistible part in the
New York belles, and I am certain now
that my 'great expectations' have passed
away, there isn't two of them ever remem
bered associating with me. I tell you,
Ralph, love is all moonshine 1 a mere crea
ture of the fancy for I have never seen a
pretty girl yet that could sot my heart a
palpitating. Money is what a poor briefless
lawyer wants, not love ; it's a great deal
more substantial too."
" Don't doubt it ; but I wouldn't bo join
ed to an old vixen for any consideration,"
responded Ralph, ' and in my opinion, Bart,
you're a fool if you heave yourself away.
There now that advice is free gratis no
fee asked only do tell me the whole story."
"I can do that in a few words. About a
week ago I saved a fine-looking but gouty
old gentleman from being upset out of his
carriage on Broadway, lie was profuse in
his thanks, learned my name, said ho knew
me by reputation, told me he was wealthy,
with but one child, a daughter, and if I
would come down to Sea View, where he
intended to pass a few weeks, ho would
make a match between me and her.
modestly suggested that the lady in ques
tion might object, but he insisted that she
could not ; she was devoted to him and
heart-whole. There it is verbatim. I then
made inquires of a friend what kind of a
girl Mr. Lafourn's daughter was, and they
told me she was a scraggy old maid, I
have her in my minds eye, but it's no draw
back. I'll marry for money, and lot her
afterwards take to her cats, just tho same
as she docs now. That's all. I am too lazy
to work." And he relapsed into a profound
silence, wondering secretly at what time on
the morrow Mr. Lafourn and daughter
would arrive."
"There, pa, you dear old. goose, listen
to the description of your Nell." exclaimed
pretty little Nellio Lafourn arranging tho
curtainjjso that the old gentleman could
AVOvliaOl 41lA nnnirnMAl!n i T. 1
wfiuvM wit ui ntlLluu UU luu piUZ&a I6'
tween the two young gentlemen just mon
tioned.
" Confound his impudence" growled the
old man, in a rage, bringing his cane dow
lustily ; "I'd like to see him get my darling
the heartless wretch, and my money, even
if he has got mixed up with your aunt
l-ucille."
"Slightly mixed up, isn't it, pa ? But
after all, how much the picture is like her ;"
and she burst into a merry laugh, that
' caused a dozen dimples to play hido and
seek around her cheeks and lips.
" He may be blessed ! I'll send for him
almost shouted the irate old gentleman.
" No, indeed you won't pa I you let me
manage him, won't you, pa? Let him
imagine Lucille is your daughter and heir
ess, and I your niece, with no expectations.
We'll see how he will carry himself."
On the next day Mr. Albertine Gower
waited upon Mr. Lafourn, and was formal
ly introduced to Miss Lucille Lafourn. He
inquired of tho old gent's health very af
fectionately, and soon became quite en
grossed, apparently, in the conversation that
was started, but Bccretly he was eyeing
his intended bride, and he confessed to him
self that the enthusiastic descriptions he
had given his friend Ralph did not belie her,
or scarcely do her justice. Just then the
door opened, and the graceful young lady
with a great abundance of golden curls, and
very large eyes, walked in.
"My my niece, Mr. Qower; Mr. Gow
er, Miss Lee," observed Mr. Lafourn, and
Miss Lee acknowledged it with a slight,
but nevertheless a graceful bow.
Mr. Gower was enraptured, and the con
trast only made his bride expectant more
ridiculous ; however, he determined to act
his part, and, as a chance presented itself,
he whispered in modulated tones to Miss
Lucille, that 'he hoped to become better
acquainted with her,' though he hated him
self for it in three minutes after, when he
saw Miss Lee's mischief-loving eyes resting
upon him, and realized that she had heard
him too.
Day after day he called, and proportion
ally he fell in love with tho laughing Nell,
and fell out with Miss Lucille, while she
became, in appearance, desperately enam
ored of him, and wrote him poetry by the
sheet, expressing her 'everlasting affection,'
which he assured his friend Ralph she
meant to mean the oldness of her love, for
he was sure she was invented in Noah's
ark.
In vain ho tried to make love with Nell ;
she accepted no attentions from her 'cous
in's lover,' so she mockingly assured him
and left him more despairing than before.
At last ho could not endure it any longer,
and accordingly sought an interview with
Mr. Lafourn.
"So you come to proposo for my daugh
ter, Mr, Gower?" queried the old gentle
man, when he was ushered in.
"No sir, I have not," he emphatically
returned. " I have come to make a con
fession, to ask your forgiveness, and crave
a boon. You know how you came to make
me the offer which you did ? Well, having
boen brought up to believe myself inde
pendent of the world, and to study a pro
fession more for pleasure than aught else,
after finding myself suddenly bereft of all
hopes, and poor, I gladly accepted of your
proposal.. I scorned the idea of love. I
vowed I loved my ease better than any wo
man on earth, and though I was informed
your daughter was "
"A scraggy old maid," slyly interposed
Mr. Lafourn. Bart blushed at his own re
mark, but proceeded :
" I determined, provided that sho would
accept me to marry her for her mon
ey. There sir, is tho truth, and I know I
cannot but bo lowered in your estimation,
Since I have met your niece, and I've"
"Fallon in love with her," observed the
father, aiding him along.
ies sir, exactly so, and I am willing, if
sho will havo mo, to give up all ideas of
wealth obtained by such mean practice.
and go way and work bravely for her. Do
you think there is any hope ? Will you
iorgive me r
"Certainly," he responded, "I should
not want my daughter weddod to any man
from such mercenary motives. I'll call
Noll, and see what she says." And suit
ing the action to the word, ho summoned
Nollie.
"This gentleman has withdrawn his
claims to your cousin's hand," and; he ob
served, taking Nellie by the hand, "and
actually has the audacity to ask for your's.
What shall I tell him?"
"And I am poor, Nellie," ejaculated
Bart, "but you shall see I am no conceited
jacknapes. I will go away and commence
the practice of my profession if you will
only give me hope."
Nellie looked at her father through her
blushes.
" But I would be a penniless bride."
and all the dearer ! If you are not worth
working for you are not worth having."
"If, then," she returned, slyly, "you
wait a year and not change your mind, if
uncle is willing "
"Which he will be," interrupted the
gentleman.
Tho ruse was still kept up. Mr. La
fourn gave him letters of introduction to
several influential friends, he went away
and set up work in earnest. For a while
he was unsuccessful ; at last his talents be
gan to be appreciated, and he was on a
fair way to prosperity. At the end of the
year he wrote and told Mr. Lafourn how
he had succeeded, and asked if ho would
have any objections to his wedding taking
place then. He returned, and when ho ar
rived he found his Nellie prettier than ev
er. Mr. Lafourn said nothing, and Bart
wondered at his giving such a costly wed
ding to his niece ; but when he, as the
bride's father, gave her away he was dumb
founded. As soou as the ceremony was
over he rushed to his father-in-law :
" What does it mean?"
" It means you have married my daugh
ter, sir, ' responded the happy parent, "and
wo have been deceiving you all the while.
Lucille is my maiden sister !"
Bart was paralyzed. "
" Your daughter ?"
" And my money, as I promised. Nellio
and I heard your conversation and deter
mined to test you. We did so, and Nellio
still insisted on you being tried, and"
"You have taken the conceit out of
me."
But though rich ho did not leave his pro
fession and enter into his idle, careless lifo
again, he steadily pushed his way up, and
now is one of the most influential men of
the times, which he always avers is more
due to Nellie's stratagem than " Marrying
a Fortune."
Watch Springs.
k MAJORITY of peoplo have an im-
XjL prossion that overwinding breaks the
main-spring. That accident can never oc
cur in such watches as are provided with
" stop work," which allows only a definite
number of turns to the spring j and it sol
dom occurs in those not so provided because
the main-spring hook, against which the
force comes whon the spring is fully wound
is usually stronger than the teeth of the
main wheel, and consequently the strain
comes not, on the other parts of the watch.
The cause of breakage is an unexplained
mystery ; no person yet has been ablo to
give a reason satisfactory for it. A spring
that has been in use ouo year is no more
liable (as far as known) to break in ton
years than in ten minutes. It is a tolora
bly well established fact, however, that
more springs come into the shop broken
during certain known conditions of the at
mosphere than when other conditions pre
vail. Whether the effect be produced by
electric, hydromotric, or some unknown at
mospherio quality has notbeon determined,
and probably will not be uutil some extend
ed and minute system of observations be
instituted, The complaint used often to be
made, when watches with fusee and chain
were more in uso than now, that the rascal
ly watchmaker had stolen a niece off the
chain while in his hands for repair. This
opinion was entertained because sometimes
the careless watchmaker had left the 'stop-
woric so as to lack one turn of allowing
tho watch being completely wound up,
which, of course, caused it to lack about
six hours of running its full time. No
watchmaker was ever so silly, no matter
now dishonest he might be, as to steal
piece of chain ; what would he do with
? It is utterly worthless to him, and
orth even less than that to anvbodv else.
and to steal it he must spend at least half
an hour of time and labor, all for nothing ;
most of the modorn watches have no chain
and consequently the accusation is now
very rare.
More injury is done to watches by wind
ing with an unsuitable key than is general
ly supposed. When not properly fitted, it
slips off, giving the vrhole train of wheel-
work a severe jar from recoil : its effoct on
the watch is similar to that produced on
the wearer, when he sits down on a seat
which is about four inches lower than he
xpected. After a few such shocks, in
winding, it will be found to slip back occa
sionally ; and unless timely repairs are
made, it will some day go down with a
crack, that will involve an expense of sever
al dollars to repair it as it should be. A
key, all brass, piopcrlv fitted, is the best: a
' ' 7
key with soft steel pipo is the next best,
and a hard steel key worst of a 11. The
soft key will not spoil your watch, for if
either gave way it will be the key, leaving
the square of the watch perfect. Harden
ed keys will not yield to wear, consequent
ly the watch must, and if the winding
square be spoiled, no poor workman can
replace it properly, and a good one only at
considerable expense. Experience will prove
keys to be cheaper than winding squares.
Bound to Keep Him.
MISS Henrietta Tupper of Wilmington
was a maiden at the age of forty, be
cause up to that timo no man among all the
multitudes of men upon the face of the
earth had proposed to her. The reason
why she married Fisher one year later, was
that she regarded him as her forlorn hope
and, although he weighed two hundred and
fifty pounds, was poor.and had a face which
would have disgraced an old-fashioned
brass door-knocker, she accepted him as
her last and only chance. Fisher was a
first-rate sort of a fellow, but he had a bad
habit of walking in his sleep. Two or
three times his wife woke up in the night
just in time to seize him as he was crawling
out of the bed room window in the third
story. In the inmost recesses of her soul
Henrietta suspected that instead of being a
sleep walker, he was disgusted with her and
was trying to commit suioido. So she tried
all sorts of plans to get him to discontinue
his efforts. She induced him to make a
memorandum in his pocket-book and to
tie a string around his finger, so as to re
member not to climb out of the window
in his sleep, and she made him sign
pledge after pledge to reform in this respect
and yet night after night she woke up just
in time to perceive tho profligate Fisher
jamming his two hundred and fifty pounds
through that window-frame I At last Mrs,
Fisher one night tied a clothes-line to Fish,
er's leg and fastened the other end tight
around her ankle, so that he would arouso
her if he got to prancing about. She was
determined to keep this man, if possible
after all the troublo she had to get him.
The Fishers went to bed that evening and
slumbered peacefully on as usual. About
one o'clock Mrs. Fisher, whilo dreaming a
delicious dream, might have been observed
to shoot out of bed feet foremost with fright-
ful velocity, and to bring up all of a sudden
with a jerk against tho window-sill. Tho
next morning passers-by were attracted by
a very singular spectacle. Mr. Fisher was
obsorvod hanging half-way down the front
of the house by his right leg, while his trail
ing garment of the night fluttered to and
fro in the cool delicious breeze of the morn
ing. Laddora were brought, and, upon fol
lowing the rope to the window, Mrs. Fisher
was seen lying upon the floor of her room
wi th one foot firmly embedded in the wall
and the other pressed against the window-
sill. She was dead, and her face wore an
expression of surprise. Fisher also was
dead. Her obituary in the papers contain,
ed some touching linos upon woman's love,
with passing reference to the fact that in
their death they were not divided.
Absent-Minded.
rrUIE following story is told of tho
ab-
JL sent-mindedness of
the church of Scotland :
a clergyman of
He married rather late in life, and the
marriage tour was on the continent. At
one of the halting places, Mrs. retired
to the hymenal bower in advance of her
lord, who sat for a time cogitating down
stairs. Presently he came to himself, and
summoning tho waiter, requested to be
shown to his bedroom. He was, of course,
shown to the room to which his wife had
already retired. But he had forgotten all
about matrimony and what it involved,
and recoiling from the doorway in horror,
turned upon the waiter with angry up
braiding for showing him to a bed room al
ready occupied by a woman ! One Sunday
morning he was dressing in his bedroom,
on a chair in which lay a tray containing
half a dozen shirts, starched with fitting
clerical stiffness. He progressed leisurely
in his dressing till he came to attempt fast
ening his waist coat, when he found that
operation impossible. After many ineffect
ual struggles, he called his wife to his aid,
who likewise found the waistcoat difficulty
insurmountable. She was at a loss to ex
plain the phenomenon, till she happened" to
cast her eyes on the shirt tray. It was
empty. Tho minister, in his absence of
mind, had put on the whole half-dozen
shirts, 0110 on top of another, and it is no
wonder that bis waistcoat would not but
ton. On another occasion he and his wife
were under invitation to dine at the man
sion of the laird of the parish. The min
ister had been out for a long day's work,
visiting his parishioners, and when he came
home, a little late, he found the mistress
already dressed and waiting. lie at onco
went up stairs to make his toilet, with
strict injunctions from the good lady to bo
quick. He was so slow, however, that she
got impatient, and went to see what was
the cause of the delay. Entering the bed
room, she found the worthy man placidly
enjoying his first sleep. Having undressed,
it seems that, in his absence of mind, he
had taken it for granted that the natural
sequel was to go to bed, and he lay totally
oblivious of the dinner party at the lauds.
Pulled the Hair out or his Head.
MR. CHARLES Henry Muggins do
tests children. His detestation of
them is so intense, and he takes such ec
centric methods of manifesting it, that ma
ny of his friends have exercised their inge
nuity in endeavoring to ferret out the cause.
So have I, and behold the result : Mr.
Muggins is an unmarried man, remarkably
trim in his habits of dress, precise in his
manner of speaking, and I believe, ac
knowledges to the age of 80. I am sure he
would die before he would acknowledge to
any more. He has a luxuriant head of
hair, which he purchased from a celebrated
artiste, and which ho fondly imagines pass
es with the community as tho spontaneous
production of his own caput. Mr. Mug
gins had a lady-love, who resided a few
miles in the country ; and being detained
by a furious storm, on one occasion, at her
father's house, over night, he was obliged
to share the bed of her little brother, a very
observing youngster, of six years of age.
The next morning at breakfast, Muggins,
looking and feeling exceedingly complai
sant, little Charlie remarked, with a know
ing air, that he would "never sleep with
Mr. Muggins ugaiu, that ho wouldn't !"
"Why not, Charley?" asked his sister,
in astonishment. " Because," anwered
Young America, " when he went to bod he
pulled all the hair out of hi head." The
murder was out. Here was a pretty situa
tion for a sensitive man. Muggins has
never seen his charmer since, and his dis
like for the rising generation ia accounted
for.
ESF Never wait for a tiling to turn up.
Go and turn it up yourself. . It takes less
time, and ia surer done.
J