ljc times, Kcw Bloomficlu, 3.
3
THE
"Bleos Patent"
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4 281y-a
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"TIT-ILL dispose of One Hunduf.i) Pianos. Mb.
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listen to the Mocking Bird.
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Dan iiryant, Charley While and all the minstrels
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ceipt ol 10 cents; 3for&rcenls: 7 for 50 cents: ID
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IP, A YE LERS
i.i i i. a.m Au;ii)ikl I.NSUltAMJE
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Yearn in benetits to policy-holder's. r
S25
P?" A DAYJ 'iO new articles for Agents
ROYAL HAVANA LOTTERY.
Prizes cashed and information furnished by
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50 Cents to $5 per Evening, at Nome !
We are prepared to furnish profitable employ
ment to Men and Women at their homes. One per
son in each locality throughout the United States,
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If. TUTTLE, 7S Nassau St.. New York. r
NEW SIOXME !
CHEAP GOODS!
Til K subscriber having opened a new Store, one
door East of hweger's Hotel, solicits a share
ot the public patronage. Ho lias just received a
full supply of
IV o "w 33 o o 1 w ,
and will constantly keep on hand, a complete as
sortment of
DIIY-QOODS, GROCERIES
QUEEXSU'AHE IIAIWM'ARE.
HOOTS it SHOES, II A TS it CAl'S.
And Everything else usually kept In Stores.
Call and see my stock.
liOB'T. N. WILLIS,
New lllooiulleld, Pa.
S42
Jenkins gets his House Fainted.
MAIIIA ANN said wo must have the
house repaired, and as what Maria
Anu says must bo, generally is, I at onco
went and made a bargain with a house
painter. lie said he would send his paint
ers around. The next morning I got my
breakfast, and started out to earn my
bread by the perspiration of my classic
brow. I opened the door and put my
foot into a tin pail full of paint. Then I
took it out and set it on tho hall door
mat. Maria Ann assisted mo from there,
anil I took a flying leap over the painter
to the sidewalk. The painters painted
the fence and the front steps that fore
noon. Every one who came to see us
cither painted their hands on tho gate
and left prints thereof on the chairs or
else painted their soles on the steps, and
made tracks all over the parlor carpet.
The cat laid down on the steps to sleep in
the sun, and the paint dried so fast that
when she got up, one side of her was
bald-headed.
Tho next morning the men canto before
any one was up and began to take out all
the windows. During the entire day they
were working around the window casings.
One of them would 6tand by the open
kitchen window, and another by tho open
parlor window, and then they would talk,
about the Painter's Union, about tho
picnic, about the price of flour, about
the girls; about all the while. The retire
ment which is among tho charms of do
mestic life did not characterize our house
to any great extent that day.
The next morning about 5 o'clock I
heard some one walking into tho bedroom.
I sprang boldly from the bed, grasped a
boot in one hand and the pitcher in the
other, and determined to sell my life as
dear as possible unless I got a chance to
run down stairs. Said I "Who is there?"
" Oh," replied the intruder, " it's me,
the painter; I am taking down the blinds."
1 felt much relieved; but Maria rather
seemed to be out of patience. She told
the mun what she thought about him, and
made pointed comments upon his man
ners, his appearance and the probabilities
that he never enjoyed a common school ed
ucation. The painter was wedded to his
art, and paid no attention to the prattle
of Maria Ann. With the windows and
blinds both out, the interior of tho house
was somewhat exposed, and the task of
getting dressed was attended with some
embarrassment, especially as the painters
seemed to bo at work at all of tho win
dows. While wo were eating breakfast
one of the painters came iu with an arm
full of towels, and remarked that he found
the n hanging on the clothes line, and he
supposed Maria would have no objections
ti his using them to wipe off tho doors
before he grained them. Maria stated
her objections in detail and the man
withdrew.
The next morning I was up early.
When the painters came I volunteered to
help them, "Come right along." I shout
ed, " let's tako oft' tho clapboards and
paint them. Let's take up the cellar and
paint that, inside mid out. Let's paint
the cistern.. Let's take down tho chim
ney and paint the bricks. Let's paint
the hole tho cellar leaves. Let's ."
They assured me that I was planniug
more work than was necessary, and as
they did not act as though they needed
my help, I went back to break fast.
The next time the house wants paint
ing I will move into the back yard and
send tho house down to the shop, where
the paiuters can swarm around it at their
pleasure.
Didn't " Bless"' tho Whiskey.
A Kentucky lawyer on a circuit was
asked to dino with tho judger At tabic,
tho judge, as was tho custom, asked a
blessing, and shortly after took from the
sideboard a bottle of old Bourbon, of
which ho asked his friend - to partake,
partaking freely himself, as is also his cus
tom. After dinner tho lawyer said:
"Judge, will you permit me to ask you
a question ?"
O, certainly," replied the judge;
" what is it?"
; I observed," replied the lawyer,
" that after you had asked a blessing, you
sot on tho bottle. Now I wish to ask
whether you are ashamed to ask a bless
ing on the liquor, or whether you thought
it good enough without it?"
The judgo took the case under advise
ment. -
C" " I require," said a sage of tho
tribe of l'euobscots, " but three things to
make me happy." " What is the first ?"
inquired a seeker of wisdom, "Tobacco,"
was the reply. " What is tho Becond ?"
" Hum." Well, what is tho third 1"
" Why," said the philosopher, contem
platively, " a littlo more rum."
A Model Love Letter.
rilII.K following queer, business-like lit
JL crary and religious love letter, which
is trausferrablo to "some other girl," was
picked up in a street car, in Pittsburg
tho other day :
Sept. 9th, 1870.
Dear Friend : I take up my Pencil
to inform you, that I c n harty But have
A very weak back. I hope theas few
lines will fiud you iu good health; Miss
marie Brown you and Mo is church mem
bers I intended to speak to you vcrry
plain for, that is my Name for I amo no
thaf no licr no drunkard Nor Chew to
bacco, you know my Wife is ded 15
months and i have been paying Boarding
ono year and it dont pay when I have a
small Farm end Bureau full of Clean
clothes and cubboard full of Dishes and
beds to keep clean and garden to work
which is work For womau or wife. Iain
a great hand for a good garden & can hoo
Cabbage I can have a garden 3 feet deep
nnd never wants dung. I think thear will
Bo A good crop of appeals hear this Year
for we hardly ever Miss ; Mrs. Iliggin
son is a smart woman to work in the
garden & can do any kind of work. If
she had no Man I would like to have her
for a wife ; But I suppose she will go
away the 13 of April next and I must
look for another one ; You will please to
look at 1 Coriuthians the 7 chapter, I
would like to talk with you very much
on Matters iu they Bible; let us not set
our Hearts on gold or silver it forget our
immortal souls. You know women is
plenty, But they arc most All Counter
feits, not good housekeepers loves to tell
lies and get drunk and servo tho Devil;
you know what the Old Book says About
licrs and Drunkards. But I want to let
you know that my housekeeper is going
to leave mo her time is out the 13 of
April nest, But I cant pay boarding this
year, I had better get & old wife they
young is not worth house room I have
known your Father and Mother and step
Father & Marie, you and Me have heard
him sing & pray Do you and me pray and
sing as he Did, I hope your Mother aud
Him is singing in Heaven this Day. My
sister is iu the church let us serve Cod.
I would like to see you and your Minister
Come Down and see mo as I am old&
you arc young aud smart and see our
town you have heard so much of. I
would like very well as my time is shoit
to hunt a wife & hope you Will Bo mine
& if you think you are too good aud rich
for mo you can say No. But you will
pleaso and send your oik Friend A letter
soon and quick to New Lynn, and let me
know All the news ; and if you will and
must say No pleaso give this letter to
Miss Salome llebber. Who is a fine
stedy girl and good housekeeper ; I will
perhaps tire you with this letter No more
at present But your old Friend
John Sylvester.
Short Courtships.
A geologist onco travelling in a stage
coach iu England, happened to sit op
posite to a lady ; glances were exchanged,
aud mutual admiration seemed to bo the
result. Eye language was soon exchanged
for verbal conversation ; after a few inter
changes about fossils and petrifactions,
tliey began to talk about living subjects
irom generalities to specialities from the
third person plural, to tho first person
singular. Said the geutleman:
" I am still unmarried."
" So am I," quoth the lady.
" I have sometimes thought of marry
ing," said the former.
"So have I," the latter responded.
Then a pause ensued.
" Suppose," said the gentleman, "we
were to marry ouo another I would love
and cherish."
' I," said the fair one, " would honor
and obey."
In two days they were married. Few
will admire such a precipitous courtship;
it is altogether too short.
A Rogue's Valise.
Two shop lifters were recently arrested
in New York City for appropriating goods
from stores, etc., and the valise in which
they stowed their plunder was found to bo
consttuetcd especially for their predatory
purposes. To all appearances it was a
well-umdo leather article, strapped up
tight, and looped as though it could not
bo opeuod without considerable time aud
trouble, but on examination it proved to
bo constructed so that it could bo opeuod
at the end by pulling a short cord attach
ed to it, and by this means it could be
stood in front of a counter and goods slip
pod iuto it. It is a most ingenious affair,
nit.l tlin r.nlistn nWit.a unir 1. x It!
of it was never seen before.
Shot as a Medicine
Dr. Maydicu, of Franco has revived
tho old practice of giving shot for billious
colic. His method is, to take No. 5 shot,
after carefully washing them with sweet
oil, and pive a desert spoonful every half
hour. He claims that in five or six
hou'8 the vomiting ceases. Tho editors
of the "Pacific Medical and Surgical
Journal" relate the following anecdote il
lustrative of this treatment: A clergy
man was taken very sick and stopped at
the house of a good lady, who was famil
iar with tho treatment, who stated that
she had no shot, but a bullet which would
answer the purpose. She gave it to the
divine, who, after being assured of its
great efficacy, swallowed it, and ' to his
joy aud surpriso found that in a very
short time he was relieved of colic. Be
fore leaving he expressed some doubt to
the old lady about the piece of lead so
heavy finding its way through the bowels.
" Oh, my," she replied, "you need have
no anxiety about that, as it has been
through me ten or twelve times."
A Novel Method of Fracticc.
We clip the following from the JJoston
Courier :
" A good, but we know not how reliable
a story, is related of a venerable doctor of
tht experimental school of medicine. It
was one of his rules never to have any
thing wafted ; and therefore, when any
prescription remained after the patient
had died or recovered, he would empty U
iuto a bottle kept for the purpose, that
became a receptacle of a heterogeneous
compound that science could not aualyzc.
A youuger member of t he faculty noted
this as a very singular fact, and asked
him the reason for it. The doctor hesi
tated a little, and then replied that,
though in ordinary cases he knew well
what to do, there were instances when
all his medical skill failed. At such
times, it was his custom to resort to the
big bottle and leave nature and accident
to accomplish tho cure. ' And will you
believe it,' said he, ' some of my most
brilliant successes have resulted from
it !'"
fJiS" A man had been arrested for ac
cidentally striking a passenger with his
whip in a street car. The stroke was
evidently meant for the mule but the lash
was too loug, and came in contact with the
complainant's shoulders. When the case
was called up, an attorney moved to dis
miss tho case on the ground that it was
no assault, because unintentional, aud
there was no law to cover it. The mag
istrate took issue with him, and fined the
oflendiug driver under the statute re
lating to cruelty to animals.
" But, my dear sir !" exclaimed the
astonished lawyer, you ean't do that."
" But I have done it."
" Yes, I know, but there is a mistake."
" How so !"
"The complainant is no animal."
Another lawyer, seeing the judge's per
plexity, suggested that the driver might
be a brute.
" Yes," exclaimed tho elated disciple
of Elton, "he's a brute " I fine him for
(hat !"
JG The privilogo of writing M. P.
after your namo appears to remain a very
costly one notwithstanding all the laws
that have been passed to abate its expense.
We observe that in a recent election in
Suffolk the expanse of Lord Mahon
eldest sou of Earl Stanhope, the historian,
amounted to 3,890 ; whilst those of his
opponent, who was unsuccessful, were
2,931. Candidates are compelled to
make an official return of their costs and
charges. Under tho mysterious heading
of " agency expenses" Lord Mahoti paid
7-10, and Sir S. Adair 450.
About a year since, tho widow and
six children of James Dougherty, killed
by a train of cars on tho Baltimore aud
Ohio Railroad, near Sykesville, obtained
a verdict of $4,000 damages against tho
Company in the Superior Court of Balti
more City. A new trial was obtained, on
the motion of tho Company, which was
concluded recently by the jury awarding
$10,000 damages, $0,000 more than tho
first verdict.
63f" " I shall dell you how it vas. I
drink mine lager; deu I put mine hand
on mine head, aud dero vas ouo pain.
Den I put my hand ou miue pody, and
dere vus anoder pain. Den I put my baud
in mine bocket, aud dere vas nottiug. So
I jine in mit do demperance. Now dere
is no pain more in mine head, aud do pain
in mine pody vas all gone avay. I put
miue nana m mine Docket, and dero vas
dwonty tollars. bo 1 shtay nut de dcm.
pcrance."
SUNDAY READING.
Was St. Paul a Bachelor.
IT SEEMS to be a pretty general im
pression, says a recent writer, that
l'aul was a bachelor, and many ladies of
tho present day have formed an opinion
of him which is decidedly unfavorable.
I believe, aud purpose to show that l'aul
was actually a married man, and a strong
advocato of " Woman's Bights." The
Corinthian Church had written to him
for directions upon a subject of matri
mony iu a time of great persecution, and
under the cirrumstanrahe seems to thiuk
that for the tinio being the unmarried
had better remain so. Eusebius Clement
and other historians, speak of l'aul as a
married man, and according to the best
evidence, we can get, ho was at the time
of writing this epistle a vidou-cr. And
thus he remained true to his dead wife,
and admonished other men who had lost
their wives to pursue a similar course.
If there is a woman iu America who is
particularly anxious for her husband to
warry again after her death, we should
like to see her. The Apostle's " advice
to wives," in the fifth chapter of Ephesians,
seems to be very offensive to some because
he admonishes them to obidiane. Hus
bands are very fond of quoting it. If
there is but one text in the Bible,
with which they areacquainled, it isthatf:
but do you ever hear tho twenty-fifth
verso from masculine lips ? Listen :
" Jlitslanrx, love your icivc rven as Christ
loved the. Church' i.tnd ijove himself for
it." There, gentlemen, is your rule of
conduct don't you forget, aud, by the
way, how do you like it ? Where is there
a greater love than this? and what an
exalted opinion l'aul must have had of
woman to deem her worthy of such affec
tion ! Host assured that, obedience will
gladly follow a love like that. When
men are honest, loyal, and true when
they tenderly love and shield even at the
sacrifice of self, then woman will honor
aud obey withoutauy objections or regrets.
Templed by Degrees.
John Newtou says, Satan seldom comes
to a Christian with great temptations, or
with a temptation to commit a great sin.
You bring a green log and a caudle to
gether and they arc very safe neighbors ;
but bring a few shavings and set them
alight, and then bring a few small sticks
let them take fire, and the log bo in the
midst ofthem, and you will soon get rid
of your log. And so it is with little sins.
You will be startled with the idea of com
mitting a great sin, and so tho devil
brings you a littlo temptation, and leaves
you to indulgo yourself. " There's no
great harm in this ;" " no great peril, in
that ;" and so by these chips we are first
easily lighted up, and at last the green
log is burucd. Watch and pray that ye
enter not into temptation.
Loud us Not iuto Temptation.
A lawyer stated these facts. A gentle
man had in his employ a lad who was
guilty of certain misdemeanors, among
others of purloiuiug small sums of money.
As a test, ho put a dollar note in his way.
Tho lad passed tho note for five days
But ou the sixth he could no longer re
sist tho temptation and took the note.
At the trial tho Court was unanimous
against him. The lawyer urged the above
sentiment and closed by saying. " Lead us
not into temptation. The boy was nequi
sited
Tho biblo is the great law book
of the world.
Eclipse of Fuith.
The moon in an eclipse complained to
tho sun, "AVhy, O my dearest friend.?
dost thou not shine upon me a3 usual '!"
" Do I not ?" said tho sun ; " I am sure I
am shiuiug as I always do. Why don't you
enjoy my light as usual '" " Oh, I seo,"
said the moon; " the earth has got be
tween us." This is the trouble with every
backslider.
A Noble Itcsolvc.
" I am going to preach tho gospel,"
said Tommy.
" You will never know enough," said
his brother.
" Then I will be good and show them
what God likes us to bo," said Tommy
humbly.
Yes, indeed, wo can all do that. It is
the best preaching in tho world.
The Important Question.
John Bacon, an eminent English sculp
ter, whoso works were admired by thous
ands, ordered a plain tablet, with tho fol
lowing inscription to bo placed uear his
grave : " What I was as an artist, seemed
to be of some importance while I lived ;
but what I really was as a believer iu
Christ Jesus, ia tho only thing of impor
tance to mo now."