lje mcs, New HJloomftclb, )a.
Why Mrs. Tetcr's Didn't Leave.
X-EAR, DM All! no toast : eggs
J boiled as hard as brickbats, and
the cottee 8 tone cold."
And Mr. Peters rose from the table in
a- temper by no means amiable, and rang
the bell violently. There was no answer.
He rang again, a third, a fourth time,
and still no answer! Out of all patience
he went to the door and called " Maria !
Maria !"
A slight, pretty little woman, dressed
in a soiled, tumbled wrapper, with hair
in astute of direful confusion, answered
his summons. She had one of those
fyright face? which Nature intended
ahould bo decked with contiuunl smiles,
but now, with all its roses in bloom, it was
drawn to its lull length, and the large
blue eyes had a serious, or rather dole
ful expression, totally at variance with the
usual jnyous look. Her voice, too, had
lost its melodious, ringing, sound, and was
subdued to a dismal whine.
" What is it, Joseph?"
''Where's Bridget?"
'' Gone out for me. I want more
white ribbou for my ascension robe."
Mr. Peters said a very naughty word
and then continued : " UolJ coffee, hard
eggs, breakfast not fit to eat."
" I wibh," whined his wife, you would
think less of temporal matters, and turn
your attention to the great end of life."
" Hang it all, madam, I like to enjoy
my life when I have it. Hero was I,
the happiest man in the United Stales,
with a pleasant homo, a chatty, cheerful
loving wife, and good quiet children ;
and now,sinco you have joined the Miller
rites, what am I ?"
" O, Joseph, if you would only, only
come into that blessed circle."
" Oh, Maria, if you would only come
out of it. Where are the boys ?"
" I'm sure I don't know."
"Are they going to school to day ?"
" No, dear Joseph."
" For what reason madam ?"
" My dear' their teacher has given .up
the school and is turning her mind to
more exalted objects. Oh, Joseph, turn
now, while there's time. You have still
a week for preparation and repentance,"
" Repentance ! Well' when 1 take up
the subject it will take moro thau a week
to put it through.
" And Mr. Peters put ou his coat and
took up his hat."
"Joseph," said his wife," you need not
Bend homo any dinner. I shall be out,
and I'll take the boys over to their uncle's
to dinner Joe made no answer, unless the
violently emphatic manner in which lie
closed the door was ono. Muttering with
anger, he strode into a restarant to make
a breakfast. Here ho was hailed by one
of his friends, Fred. Sommers, who look
ed up as he heard Joe's order.
" Halloo !" lie cried' "you here ? What
you doing here at breakfast time?. Wife
sick ?"
" No."
" Had a quarrel ?'
" No."
"Gone to town?"
" No."
"Then" why don't you breakfast at
Lome? Chimney on fire?"
" No."
" Well, what in thunder is to pay ?"
" Maria's joined tho Mill-3rites?"
Fred gave a long shrill whistle, and
then said: "Going to ascend next
week ?"
"Yes, and if I don't commit suicide
in the mean time, you may congratulate
mo. 1 am almost distracted. Can't get
a decent meal, children running riot,
servants saucy, house nil iu confusion,
wife got the blues either noting the
speeches of tho ciders ut me, or sowing
on a white robe,and groaning every third
or fourth stich. Hang it all, Fred, I've
a great mind to take poison or join tha
army." .
t " Il'in ! h'm ! you give an enchanting
picture, but I think I can suggest a
cure.
. "A cure?"
Yes, if you will promiso to tako my
, advice, I will mako your home pleasant
your wife cheerful, and your children
bappy."
"Do it cried Joe. "I'll follow your
word like a soldier under his superior offi
cer. What bliall I do?"
At tea time Mr, Peters' entered bis
home, whistling. Maria was seated at
her sewing and there wero no signs of
preparation for the evening meal.
"Maria, my dear," said Mr. Peters'
" ia tea ready ?"
' Wt know," was the answer, " have
r 'a- day attending ineetu?;-"
Wnoutau ": never tten
" Ob. very we. aro resolved thx
" Oh Joseph I must co when I am
called."
" Yes, my dear, of course. Well, I
I must resign myself. I suppose, By tho
way, my dear, had it ever occured that I
shall be left a widower with three chil
dren ? I think I am a handsome man yet,
my love," and Joe walked over to the
glass, passed his fingers through his hair,
and pulled up his collar. Maria looked
up in surprise.
" You see, dear, it is rather a relief for
you to go quickly, you know. It is so
wearing on the nerves to have long illness
and besides, my dear, there will bo no
funeral expenses to pay, and that is quite
a saving "
Mrs. Peters' lips quivered, and her
large bluo eyes filled with tears. Joe
longed to quit his heartless spceoh, and
comfort her but he was fearful tho do
sired effect was not yet gained.
"So my dear," he continued, " if you
um-t go, 1 have been thinking of getting
another wife."
" What!" cried Mrs. Peters.
" Another wile, my lovo Tho bouse
must be kept in ordor, and the boys eared
for." The grief was gone from Maria's
face, but her teeth were set with a look
of fierce wrath.
" Auother wife, Joseph! Another
wife!"
"Yes, I think I have selected a good
successor. 1 have deliberated a long
time, when I was a bachelor, between her
and yourself. You will like her; she is
your bosom friend ?"
" What! Sarah Ingraham?"
" Yes, my dear 1 think that on the
day you ascend, I will marry Sarah Iu
grnhain." " What! That good-for-nothing, silly,
empty-hendod old maid -tho mother of
my children ! What!"
" Well, my dear, it seems to bo the best
I can do. I don't want to leave my busi
ness and go a courting, and she will have
me, I know."
" No doubt ! Oh, you great, brutal,
hateful "
' Stop, my dear; don't fly into a fury.
We will try to spend our last week in
happiness. Oh. by the way, I have a
proposition to make."
" Go on, sir,. do not spare me !"
" Ah, yes that is the very thing I wish
to do. 1 know your mind is entirely en
grossed with your ascension, and I wish
to spare you the care of the bouse.
Supposo you invito Sarah hero to-morrow,
to 8 top a week !"
" What !"
" Then I can arrange our matrimoni
al preparations in tho evening, while you
aro at the lecture."
" What!"
" And you can leave the house in her
charge all day. That will give you plen
ty of time to go out and she can learn the
ways of the house."
" What !"
" And my dear, one little favor. It
may bo the last I shall ever ask of you.
Stay at home one or two days, and show
her around, where you keep things, and
so on, so that she won't have any trouble
in keeping order after you go. You will
do this to oblige me, won't you ?"
Mrs. Peters for an answer rolled up the
ascension robe into a ball and fired it at
Joe. The cotton, scissors, work-basket
and table-cloth followed each other in
rapid succession, and he was unable to fly.
Then Maria's rage found vent in words.
" So you are going to marry Sarah ?
That's tho reason you whistled so when
you came in. But you shan't marry her,
sir ! You shan't huvo that gratification !
I will stay if it is only to spito you ! I
won't go! ' I tell you, Mr. Peters, that I
won't go !"
" But my dear, you must go, if you
aro come for."
" I won't go !"
" But consider, my dear."
" I won't go !"
" But what will Sarah Ingraham think
of it?"
" Sarah ! .Don't dare to mention Sarah
to me again ! I I 1 oh ! I am fair
ly choking!" and tho little woman threw
herself into a chair, in a fit of hysterics.
Next morning Mr. Peters met Fred iu
the street.
" Well, old boy, bow goes it ?"
" Fred," was the reply, " I am the hap
piest man in the world. I have regained
my wife and domestio peace, and got rid
of a busy, tattling old maid, who, under
pretence of loving my wife, was everlast
mgly interfering in all our household ar
rangements." " Then Mrs. Peters will not ascend,
will she?"
" If Sarah ia to be my second wife,
and step-mother to my children, Mrs.
Peters has concluded that, on the whole,
sbo won't go !"
A Romantic Story.
SOME fifteen years ago there lived in
the northern part of Portage town
ship, Ohio, a young married couple by
the name of William and Annie Clark
inson. They owned a little farm, and
made-enough to keep themselves comfort
able in the world, and were apparently
happy. William was handsome, and well
educated, having graduated with honor
at an Eastern university. He did not
like the humble but honest occupation of
farming. Wealth-accumulated too slow
ly following tho plow ; he wanted to make
money by thousands of dollars. So the
farm was sold. Mrs. Clarkinson went to
live- with her parents, and William start
ed for tho golden State of California,
with tho expectation of " picking up" a
couple of million dollars iu a couple of
years.
For a few months Mrs. Clarkinson oc
casionally heard from her husband, either
directly or through some of the neigh
bors with the same train with which her
husband was going. Then there was a
long interval during which no word came.
After a time there were rumors that the
train had been attacked by Indians and
every one killed. This was at last too
truthfully verified by one poor fellow,
who was found by another party a few
days alter with just life enough to tell
how the train had been attacked one dark
night, and before any' could recover from
their surprise all were billed and scalped,
and the Indians rode triumphantly away
with their booty.
For three years Mrs. Clarkinson mourn
ed for her dead husband. After the
lapse of that time she married again, and
moved to Wood county. For nearly 12
years she was happy as a kind and affec
tionate husband and two beautiful chil
dren could make woman. At tho end of
that time (which carries us up to the 1st
inst.,) affliction again cast its mantle over
her. Death claimed her husband, and
again she was a sorrowing, weeping wid
ow. She follows weeping to the grave ; she
bears the sad, solemn words : " Dust to
dust and ahes to ashes;" tho earth falls
with a dull, dreary thud upon tho coffin,
as the sextou slowly covers up all that re
mains of him whose spirit has gone be
fore to the other world.
The widow raises her black veil and
looks around. As she docs so she meets
eyes fixed intently upon her. She starts
memory rushes back fifteen years and
brings up the picture of her first hus
band. There can be no mistake 'tis he!
The recognition is mutual. There is a
scene; tho widow and wife faints; the
bronze stranger explains his relation to
the woman, and all repair to the houso of
her who ten minutes ago was a widow,
but now again a wife. Then Mr. William
Clarkinson tells how be was not killed by
the Indians at tho time of that sudden
outslaught on the plains, but was taken
prisoner by the Blackfeet, and carried
far away among the mountain fastnesses,
and during all those long years had been
forced to slave for bis cruel captors.
He bad finally escaped, and during bis
flight through the mountain gulch ho
discovered a rich gold deposit. How he
had written back to his old friends but
could get no answer, lie then went back
and worked the gold mine which ho dis
covered, lie grew rich and longed to
again visit tho home of bis youth and
happiness. He had got off tho cars at
Pittsburg and taken tho stage to Bowling
Green; had hired a buggy thcro and was
driving to his old homo when ho over
took 'he funeral ; a straugo impulso in
duced him to follow; tho widow's person
seemed strangely familiar, ami when sho
drew aside her veil ho recognized her as
the wife he had bidden adieu to fifteen
years before, and whom he had thought
to bo dead. I hey now livo happily to
gether.
Singular Arithmetical Fact.
Any number of figures you may wish
to multiply by 5, will give the same re
sult it divided by two a much quicker
operation; but you must remember to an
nex a cypher to tho answer when there is
no remainder, and whon thcro is a re
mainder, whatever it may bo, annex a 5
to tho answer.
For example, if you wish to multiply
8 14 by 5, the answer is 4220. Now by
dividing 844 by 2. the quotent is 422,
and by adding tho cypher yon have
the answer, 4220. If you take 265 and
multiply by 5, the answer is 1325. By
taking the same Bum and dividing by 2,
the answer will be 132 with a remainder.
and for this remainder add 5, and you
win iiavo tuo correct answer.
Legal Advice.
A GENTLEMAN ordered a suit of
clothes from a tailor, and specially
enjoined him that they must be mado by
the next Tuesday, and must be made in
the hnest style, and thnt unless the tailor
could have them ready to a certainty be
yond peradventure to the day, that he
must not undertake them ; but Snip
promised faithfully that they would be
finished. Tuesday came und no clothes;
the enraged man flew to tho cabbage-
man s house and said :
" What's the reason my clothes are not
ready as you promised ? Here you'vo
kept me in the city at a loss of time and
business only to disappoint me; now, if
we had you in our part of tho country, I
tell you what they would call you : they
would call you a perfect squirt !"
ihe humble knight of the goose ex
plained that the only competent workman
that be had, capable of making the suit,
had a wife lying at death's door, and he
could not possibly leave her. The out
raged gentleman was not able to smother
his disappointment, and berated the tailor
pretty soundly for falling iu his positive
promise. The ninth fraction of tho " ge
nus homo" could not stand this, and plain
ly told his customer to go to the calorie
regions of Pandemonium.
The customer, red with rage, rushed
across the street to a lawyer, ami in an
excited and hurried manner, said :
' Do you know, Snip, tho tailor across
the way ?"
" Yes, I know him," answered Brief.
" Well, now, I want your advice," said
the gentleman ; " I want to know what
you would do in such a case. That old
stitch louse has kept me hero in the city
on expense, to the great detriment of my
business and disappointed me iu a suit
of clothes ; but when I went to remon
strate with the fellow -about it, what do
you suppose be said to me ? lie told mo
to go to the devil !"
With these words be laid down a ten
dollar bill on the desk, and said, " Now,
sir, what would you do?"
" Do you mean this for a retainer ?''
asked Brief.
' I do," was the reply.
" Then," said Brief, quietly folding up
the ten and putting it into his pocket,
' he told you to go to the devil. Well,
my opinion and advice to you is, don't do
it. 1 here is moreover, no statute or lo
cal law that can compel you to a specific
performance. I saw don t ao it until
called by Almighty power."
A Very Peculiar Tcople.
An inquest recently held at-l'lunifitcad,
England, ou the ' body of John Walton
developed the following facts : lie was
one of the sect called the peculiar people,'
and had been ailing for some time, and
became seriouslv ill about a week before
his death, when tho elders were called in
who laid hands on him and annointcd
him. No doctor was called in. Wine
it was stated, was given, and brandy, but
no medicine. 1 hey gave the stimulation
to nourish the deceased. Abraham
Andrews was called and explained the
views of the " Peculiar People," and re
peated that they were bound to nourish
tho body with food, including wine aud
spirits ; but medicine was a different
thing altogether, and they did not be
lieve in the doctors.
Tho Coroner asked him whether he
would call a doctor if ho broke his leg;
and he said that, while iu the fold of
Christ, such a thing would not happen to
him. His legs could only be broken
through disobedience, and would bo a
sign of his being without, tho grace of
God. 1 hey did not despise medical men
believing they wero of great uso to thoso
who wero not walking in obedience; but
those who possessed Christ considered
that God would be their help in every
time of need. Eventually tho iuquiry
was adjourned lor a post mortem cxauiin
ation to ascertain if the man's life could
have been saved by proper medical ad
vice. SP The Philadelphia reporter of tho
dresses at a ball, who wrote that ".Miss
Bloodgood woro a double shirt, neatly
triuim :d with eatin, ribbon, is dodging
the girl's brother, who wants to know how
ho found it out. The reporter now says
he tried to write "skirt," and ho thiuks
be must have been drunk, which is very
likely.
" Sammy, my boy, what are you
crying torf
" Bill hove tho Biblo at me, and bit mo
on the head.
" Well, you are the only person in my
family on whom tho Bible ever made tho
least impression.
A Boy on Corns.
CORNS ore of all kinds. Vegetable
corn grows iu rows and animal corn
grows on toes. I here are several kinda
of corn ; there is unicorn, Capricorn, corn
dodgers, acknowledge the corn, field corn
and toe corn, which is the corn you feel-
most. It is said, 1 believe, that, gophers
like corn ; but persons who have corns
do not like to "go far," if they can help
it. Corns have kernels, and some Colo
nels become " corned." Vegetable corn
grows on ears, but animal com grows on
the feet at the other end of the body.
Another kind of corn is the acorn ; these
grows on oaks, but there is a hoax about
the corn. The acrn is a corn with an
indefinite article, but the corn is very
definite indeed. Try it and see. Many
a man when he has a corn wishes it were
an acorn.
Folks that have corns sometimes send.
for a doctor, and if tho doctor himself in
corned, he would probably do as well as
if he isu t. J ho doctor says corns are
produce by tight boots or shoes, which
is probably the reason why when a man
is tight they say he is coi ned. If a farm
er manages well he can' get a good deal
of corn on one acre, but 1 know a farmer
that has corn that makes tho biggest
acher on his farm. The bigger crop of
vegetable corn a man raises the better he
likes it, but the bigger crop of animal
corn he raises the better he does not like
it. Another kind of a corn is a corn
dodger. Tho way it is made is very sim
ple, and is as follows (that is if you wan't
to know :)
You go along the street and you meet
a man you know has a corn, and is a
rough character, then yon step on the toe
that has the corn on it, and seo if you
don't have occasion to dodge. In that
way you'll find out what a corn dodger is.
Ain't That Kind."
AMONG the stories told of General
Thomas, is one of an incident which
occurred when ho aud his chief of staff,
General Garfield, wero inspecting the
fortifications of Chattanooga, in 18C3.
They heard a shout, "Hello, mister!
You! I want to speak to you;" and
General Thonia3 found that be was the
person addressed, by an uucouth, back
woods, East Tennessee soldier, lie stop
ped, and tho dialogue which ensued was
as follows :
" Mister I want to get a furlough."
" On what grounds do you want a
furlough, my man ?"
" I want to go borne and sec my
wife.
" How long is it since you saw your
wife ?"
" Ever since I enlisted, nigh on to
three months."
"Throe months!" good-naturedly.
" Why, my good man, I haven't seen my
wife for threo years."
The East Tennessean stopped whittling
for a moment, and stared increduously ;
at length he said ;
" Well, you see, me and my wife 'ain't
that kind.'"
Even General Thomas's grimnes3 was
not proof against the laughter which ho
rode away to conceal, leaving tho aston
ished soldier without an answer.
Big Feet.
A New Orleans paper says : Yester
day, a well-to-do citizen was down town
until lato in the evening, and tho society
of a number of friends had somewhat
disturbed the serenity of his mind. Iu
getting into a car, to return home, be
staggered a little, and tangling his feet
in a lady's skirt, measured his length on
the floor. He struggled to his feet, and
looking around, indignantly demanded to
know who struck him. A gentleman
preseut remarked, " You fell over that
lady's feet nobody struck you." The
salubrious citizen turned round and sur
veyed tho cause of his accident a moment,,
and then, as if by no means satisfied with
the reason of bis mishap, said : " Mad
ame, you'vo got the biggest feet I ever
saw." " Sir !" aspirated the lady, flush,
iug with anger. " Pruy, don't apologize,
madam," interposed tho man. " I am
awaro it ain't your fault, but take my ad-,
vioe sit always sideways iu future, and
(jive them the. all rany- of the car," and
taking a seat ho looked tho esseuco of
sublime indifference.
555" Arguo not with a man whom you
know to bo of on obstiuate temper, for
when he is once contradicted, bis mind is
barred up against all light and informa
tion: arguments, though ever so well
grounded, do but provoke him, and mako
him afraid to be convinced of the truth.
dingmeetingT xott( I
to leave next week ?"
0