2
ljc SEiims, New Bloomftdb, Jcu
THE DUTCHMAN'S LUCK.
IN A CERTAIN village, there lived a
Dutch farmer named Dunderman,
whoso family consisted of his wife and
only son, named Carl, who helped his
father work the farm. Carl was an indus
trious, sober young man, who had reached
the age of twenty-one without having onco
been ten miles away from home ; so it is
to be presumed that his knowledge or
experience was not very extensive.
Carl's invariable custom was to go
every evening, as soon as his work was
done, and see Katrina Van Kleepcr, the
daughter of a neighbor, as handsome and
buxom a lass as ever trod shoe leather.
While he would sit and smoke with the
old man, talking about the crops and
weather, Katrina would sit demurely by
Hewing or knitting as the case might be.
Precisely when the clock struck Dine,
Carl was expected to leave.
But one- night Carl, instead of leaving
at nine, as usual, still lingered, much to
the surprise of old Van Kleepcr, who
after waiting a few minutes without see
ing any signs of his leaving, asked him
why he did not leave, as he wished to
shut up.
" Pecause, neighpor Van Kleepper, I
rant to speak a vew worts mit you," an
swered Carl, rather sheepishly.
" Veil, fery goot ; put vhy tou't you pe
kin den ?" returned that worthy, proceed
ing to fill his pipe.
"Veil, den, neighpor Van Kleepper,"
began Carl, in rather a hesitating manner
" 1 loves your taughter Katrinna more as
never vas, an' she loves nie doo, an' as
mine fader's varm an' your varm adjoin,
I dinks dat ve petter marry, so dat ven
fader and you die, do broperty will Bthay
in de vauiily !"
" Veil, very goot, Carl," replied Van
Klepper, looking rather blank at being
thus summarily disposed of ; put how
mootcb monish you kot, eh ?"
Carl put his hand in his pocket and
drow out an old leather wallet, and pro
ceeded to count its contents.
" I got shust dwo tollar an' sefendeen
shents," he replied, carefully putting the
money back in his pocket.
" Dwo toller, you dundering pig vool !
How de tuyvel toes you diuk4at'you gan
marry a frow mit only dwo toller an' sef
oudeen sheuts ? Ven you kot tree hun
dret tollers, an' ask your fader may bo he
gif him do you, den you, kin marry mit
rainokirl; put not von dundering tay
pofore. An' now good-night an' don't
gome here no more pefore you kit de
monish. Gome den, put no sooner.
Poor Carl had nothing to do but com
ply, and took his departure with a heavy
heart, for how to get so much money was
a problem too difhcultof solution for him.
The next morning Carl looked us
wretched and woebegone as a broken
down oil speculator. On his parents anx
iously inquiring as to what ailed him, he
related what had taken place between
him and neighbor Van Klepper.
" Neighpor Van Klepper is shust right
responded his father when he had conclu
ded. " And I dinks dat you pe oltenongh
to ko au' make your own vordune. Don't
dink dat you kit any ding of me ven ' I
die, vor I dink dat I vill lif more as a
hoontret years yet. Mine fader kif me
noding ven I married, an' your fader do
dosanio. I kif you till to-morrow to
stay hor, an', ven you don't ko den avay,
I'll kick you avay."
The wretched Carl was thunderstruck
-at the turn affairs had taken ; for in spite
of his- mother's remonstrance his father
was inexorable. So with a heavy heart
lie began to make preparations to leave
his home for Heaven only knows where.
Early next morning Carl was ready to
leave ; his father gave him his blessing,
whilohis mother unknown to his father
gave him three dollars out of her own
savings, besides a loaf of bread and a
small jug of buttermilk; and thus fitted
out, with a small bundle,, swung on a
stick over his shoulder, he started off
with tears ia his eyes..
Carl travelled on without meeting an
adventure of any kind till toward nooa,
wheu being both tired and hungry, he
Bat down under a large tree that stood in
the roadside beforo a small cottago, and
began an attack on his bread and butter
milk. He had not been long there, how
ever, before he was perceived by tho wo
man of the house, who oame out and in
cited him to partake of dinner there.
Oarl, nothing loth, accepted her hospita
ble invitation, and was soon seated before
a well spread table, to- the contents of
Which he paid the most impartial atten
tion. During the meal, the- woman, with the
ouriosity peculiar to other folks, plied
him with all sort of questions as to where
ho came from and whither ho was going ;
all of which Carl answered with good na
ture. In return, she gave him an ac
count of all the people living around.
Among other things she told him of a
wealthy old miller named Verplank, who
lived about six miles from there ; he had
married a young and handsome wife, of
whom he was jealous and proud. To
make matters worse, a handsome nephew
of his camo to his house quite often nnd
took Mrs. Verplank out riding, which
brought the poor miller to the verge of
distraction.
Carl listened to her gossip for a long
time with great attention ; then, being
both refreshed and rested, he thanked the
woman for her hospitality, and bade her
farewell.
He jogged along for a few miles fur
ther, till ho came to a place where a ven
due sale was being held. He looked on
for a while, and watched tho proceedings
of the sale with great interest, till his eye
was ciught by three bec-hives. Carl hud
never seen a bee-hive before, and he ex
amined them with great interest. Ask
ing a by-stander what they contained, he
was told that they contained bees that
bees made honey and wax and other
scraps of' natural history, which Carl
heard with tho greatest amazement.
The bees seemed to strike his fancy, for
lie stepped up to the auctioneer and ask
ed him what he would charge for a peck
of " deni little grittcrs ?"
" We don't sell bees by the measure,"
replied that functionary, laughing, " but
only by the hive."
Carl was sorry, and tho auctioneer see
ing his disappointment, told him that he
would sell a few to accommodate. Tak
ing an old candle-box, he shook a num
ber of the bees out of tho hive, and shut
ting up the box gave it to Carl, charging
him three dollars for the same. Curl
paid the money cheerfully, and walked
off with his prize as happy as a king,
amidst the laughter of the crowd.
The shades of cveuing were beginning
to fall when Carl came in sight of Ver
plank's mill, and the miller was standing
in the doorway when he stepped up.
" Goot cfening. Mr. Verplank ! How.
toos you to?" said Carl, setting down his
box and accosting the miller.
Tho miller, whose percepsion was rath
er obtuse, surveyed Carl with tho most
unbounded astonishment.
" How do duyvel toos you know dat
mine name is Verplank, eh ?" he uttered,
in a voice of surprise.
" 0, I knews everyding, because I pe
a vordune deller !" returned Carl, coolly.
" Mine pox here dells mo cfryding I vaut
to know."
" Gome, dat is doo goot ! How de duy
vel gan dat pox spheak any ding, I vants
to know ?"
" 0, ko to do dundcr ! didn't I dell you
dat dis ish a vordune-deller pox ? Shust
ask mo anydiug an' see."
. " Tell, den, dell me vat mine vife's
name is -and vat she ish toing shust now
den I pelieve, an' py dunder, not pe
fore !" said the miller,-increduously.
" De name ov your vifo is Carlotta, an'
shust now she is sharking mit your nevy,
Hans Verblauk!" cried Carl, triumphant
ly, removing his head from the box, to
which ho applied his ear.
"Dunder, blitzon, an' dousand duy
vcls !" exclaimed tho miller in dismay.
" Pselise pup is in dat pox, py tarn !"
After recovering somewhat from his as
tonishment, ho asked Carl if he would go
to tho house, adding, ns un inducement,
that ho would give him three dollars and
his supper. Carl told him ho would, if
he would give him lodging for the night
also ; and, tho miller complying, ho ac
companied him to his houso.
Tho miller chuckled with dolight as he
anticipated the dismay of his wife when
ii iii i f
sue snouiu nave uer lonuest secrets re
vealed. After supper Carl confouuded both tho
miller and his wife by the revelation he
made, by the pretended aid of tho box;
for the woman at whoso house he had
dined, had posted him well iu their af
fairs. " I vill kif you one hoontret tollars for
dat pox I" ho exclaimed, thinking what a
valuable acquisition it would bo to him iu
aiding to ferret out his wife's secrets, A
" No," replied Carl, " I can't sell dat
pox, vor it has been in de family more as
a hooudret years ! Mine kreat kranfadpr
gafe- it do mine kranfader on his dying
pod, an' made him sehwear never to bait
mit it 1"
" Veil, dei, I kif you dwo hooudret 1"
he said, fearful of losing such a chance.
Curl reflected a minute.
" I doll you vat I vill do," he said at
last; "kif mo dwo hooudret an' vifty, an
I sell him to you."
Although sorely against the grain, the
miller closed the bargain, much to tho
displeasure of his wife, who urged him
not to make a fool of himself, but this on
ly added fuel to tho flame of the miller's
desire to possess the box, and he went to
his bedroom and brought Carl his money.
" No vonder mine frau tou't vant me to
haf dat pox !" he muttered, significantly
as he counted out the mouey. " Put how
vill I understand do pox ven he dulks do
me ?" he inquired.
Carl told him to call him up early in
tho morning, and he would tell him.
At daybreak the next morning the
miller awakened Carl and told him to
get up and show him how to understand
the box, for " dat it vug dalking like de
duyvel." (Tho bees were buzzing like a
circular saw.)
" Veil," suid Carl, " virst you must pe
in a room mit yourself all alone, an' den
you make hot vire ; den you lock do toor
and trow de key out de window, an' pull
your clothes off. Ven dut is done, smear
yourself all over mit molasses, open do
pox, un' you lint him all out."
So saying Carl bid the miller good
morning, and took his departure, anx
ious to place as much distance as possi
ble between himself and that individual.
The poor miller followed Carl's direc
tions to the letter. The catastrophe that
followed may bo imagined. " When he
opened the box, the bees, rendered infu
riate by being confined so long, attacked
him on all sides. The wretched miller
bellowed in agony, and danced around
the room like an Indian , warrior. His
wife hearing the uproar, ran to the room,
but finding it locked, she had to get an
axe to break it down ; sho was terror
stricken ut tho startling scene that burst
on her view, fur the yells of the agonized
miller were something awful to hear.
Running out of the room, she soon re
turned with a broom, with which she
brushed the sweet insects from her lord.
It was fully a week before the poor
miller recovered from the effects of the
stiugs he had received. He promised
his wife, if she never would tell, that he
would never be jealous again.
Carl arrived at home with his ill-gotten
money, and his father was so- well
pleased at his success, that ho gave him
the additional fifty dolhirs, thus enabling
him to marry his beloved Katrina, with
whom he has lived in tho greatest har
harmony ever since.
Teutonic Insurance.
A thin, cadaverous looking German
about fifty years of age, entered the office
of a health insurance company in N. Y.,
the other day, and inquired:
" Ish de man in what inshurcs de 'peo
ple's belts!"'
The agont politely answered, "I attend
to that business, sir."
"Veil, I vants my belts insured, vot
you charge?"-
" Different prices," answered the clerk
"from three to ten dollars a year ; and
you get ten dollars a week in case of sick
ness." " Veil," said Mynheer, " I vants teu
dollars vort."
The agent inquired his state of health.
" Veil, I ish sick all de time. I'so
shust out do bed two tree hours a tay,
and te doctor says he can't do nothing
more goot for me."
" If that's the state of your health," re
turned tho agent, " wo can't insure it
We only insure persons who are iu good
health."
At this Mynheer bristled up iu great
anger.
" You must think I'so a big fool, vot !
you tiuk I come pay you ten dollars for
iushurc my holt when I was veil !"
Advice to Young Ministers.
Bishop- Simpson recently gavo a unique
charge to several young Methodist minis
ters who were ordained at Philadelphia.
In the course of it he said : " Talk neith
er too long nor too loud. Tho measure
of our duty is the measure of our ability.
You must uso the tone and power of
your own voice and nothing else. Bo as
God made you. and use what he has giv
en you. G uard yourselves strongly and
thoroughly, both mentally aiid physically.
By your care you cau work for years. An
earnest heart, with thought reaches tho
J people. The more naturally we talk tho
more enective will we be. lake time
for speaking. Speak naturally and
stand erect in tho fear of God. Be care
ful about your diet. Don't cat late sup
pers. I have found that nine out of ten
miuisters who eat after preaching die
early. Endeavor to live long, and try to
do as much good as you can. Ohl after
we have learned to live, if wo could live
a thousand years, what a great amount
of good we oould do here 1 I am more
I anxious now to live than I ever was.
Magic Table for Finding the ago of any
Person.
Rule. Let any person tell in which
column or columns, he finds his age add
together the firnt. numbers of those col
umns, and their sum is the person's age,
up to 74 years.
Suppose, for example, that a person
says thut he seos his ago in tho first, ner
ond and fifth column, then the addition
of onr, two and h:tecn, (the first num
bers of said coluuis,) gives 1!) for the
person's age.
The combination was originally made
by a Quaker in Pennsylvania, about fif
teen years ago.
I II III IV V VI VII
1 2 4 8 10 33 64
3 8 5 9 17 33 65
5 6 6 10 18 34 CO
7 7 7 11 19 35 67
9 10 13 13 20 30 08
11 11' 13 13 21 37 69
13 14 14 14 23 38 70
15 15 15 15 23 39 71
17 18 20 24 24 40 73
19 19 21 25 25 41 73
21 22 22 20 20 43 74
23 23 23 27 27 43
25 20 28 28 28 44
27 27 29 29 29 45
29 30- 30 30 30 40
31 31 31 81 31 47
83 34 30 40 48 48
35 35 37 41 49 49
87 38 88 42 50 50
39 39 39 43 51 52
41 42 44 44 53 51
43 43 45 45 53 5
45 43 40- 40 54 54
47 47 47 47 55 55
49 50 ' 53 50 50 50
51 51 53 57 57 57
53 54 54 58 58 58
55 55 55 59 59 89
57 58 CO CO 60 CO
59 59 CI 61 61 61
61 62 63 63 62 62
03 C3 C3 63 63 63
65 60 68 73
67 67 09 73
69 70 70 74
71 71 71
73 74
The Signs of the Hands.
If the hand be long, and tho fingers
well proportioned, etc., not soft but rath
er hard, it denotes the person to bo inge
nious but changeable, and given to theft
and vice.
If the hand be hollow, and well-knit in
the joints, it predicts long life, but if
over-thwarted then it denotes short life.
Observe the finger of mercury that
is the little finger, if the cud of it ex
ceed the joint of the ring finger, such a
man will rule in his own houso ; and his
wife will be pleasing to him. But if it
be short, and docs not reach tho joint, he
will have a shrew, and sho will wear the
breeches.
Broad nails show the person to be bash
ful, but of a gentle nature.
Narrow nails denote the person to be
inclined to mischief and to do injury to
his neighbors.
Long nails show a person to be good
natured, but distrustful, and loving re
conciliation rather than differences.
Oblique nails signify deceit and want of
courage.
Little round nails denote obstinate an
ger and hatred.
If they are crooked at tho extremity,
they show pride aud fierceness.
Round uails show a cholerio person,
yet soon reconciled, honest, and a lover of
secret sciences.
Fleshy hands denote tho person to be
mild in temper, idle and lazy.
Palo and black nails show the person
to be very deceitful to his neighbor, and
subject to many diseases.
Titles of old lime Sermons.
Tho titles of some seventeenth and
eighteenth century sermons were strange
and to modern apprehensions comical and
irreverent: " Baruch's Sore Gently
Opened, and Salve skillfully Applied."
" Tho Church's Bowel Complaint." Tho
Snuffer's of Divine Love." " The Spirit
ual Mustard Pot, to Make a Soul Sueezo
with Devotion." "A pack of Cards
to Win Christ." " A spiritual Spicerie;
containing Sundrio sweet Traotatct of
Devotion and Piety," written by Richard
Braithwaite in 1638.
fl& " If a man bequeathed you a hun
dred dollars, would you pray for him ?"
said a Sunday school teacher to a pupil.
" No," said he, " I would pray for another
like him." . .
A. Chinese Story.
CERTAIN merchant of China,
going one duy on a journey, placed
A
n his neighbor's chargea hundred weight
of iron. Not having had the success for
which he hoped, ho returned home. The
first thing he did ou his arrival was to
go to his friend's house.
" My iron," said ho.
" Your iron ! I am sorry to tell you
bad news. An- accident has happened
that nobody would foresee; a rat has ea
ten it all. But, what ean be done ?
There is always in a granary some hole
where the little animals enter, and com
mit a thousand dopredations."
Tho merchant is astonished at such a
miracle, and pretends to believe it. A
few hours after, he finds his neighbor's
child iu a by path, takes him homo with
him, and shuts him up in a room under
lock and key. The next day he invites
the father to sup with him.
" Excuse me, I pray you ; all pleasures
aro lost to me. They have stolen my son.
He is my only son alas ! what do 1 say 1
he is mine no more."
" I am sorry to hear this news ; the
loss of an only sou mubt affect you much.
But my dear neighbor, I will toll you that
last evening, as 1 was going outl saw an
owl carry off your child !"
"Do you take me for au idiot, to wish
to make me believe such a story ? How ?.
an owl, which weighs ut most only two or
three pounds, carry off a child that weighs
at lca3t fifty ? Tho thing is absurd, im
possible I"
" I cannot tell you how it was done;
but I saw it with my own eycs.I tell you.
Besides how do. you find it strange and
impossible, that tho owls of a country
where a single rat eats a hundred weight
of iron should carry off a childthat weighs
only half a hundred weight ?"
' The neighbor, upon this, found that he
was not dealing with a fool, and returned
the irou to tho merchant in exchange for
his son.
Too Doggoncd Polite.
rilllE Sidney, Ohio Journal says not
I long ago, a newly-married couplo
from this county established themselves
at a fashionable hotel in Cincinnati for
the purpose of seeing the sights. The
lady was young and pretty, the husband
honest aud verdant. The pair had been
in the hotel for twenty-four hours wheu
the bridegroom walked up to tho clerk
and remarked :
" That's my wife that stops in. the room
with mo."
" Yes, I suppose so," was tho bland re
ply of tho clerk.
" Well, I thought I'd mention it,"
continued tho man, "so you wouldn't
think it strange o' my complaining; I nev
er like to find fault, you know ; but we'ro
kiud of bothered. We have only been
hero since yesterday, and my wife- has
been invited to ride tbrqp times and go
to tho minstrel shows likewise, and just
now, a sleek-looking chap knocked at tho
door and wanted to know if thatcouutry
mau she had on tho string had gone.
I've no doubt they mean well enough,
but they are too doggoned polite for me."
" The poor fellow was assured that the
1 well-meaning' young men should not an
noy him auy further with their polite
ness, and he retired apparently much
gratified.
"FUpplty-Floppity."
A country girl onco went into the city
to pay a visit to one of her old and best
friends; this friend was married to a
rich city mereluuit,and a leader of fashion.
In city etiquette, of course, the visitor
was verdant, aud made- numerous mis
takes. Her friend wished to initiate
her into the " mysteries," and as they
were going to a birgo ball, gavo her tho
followiug instruction, viz. : " Eat only
one small cake aud one saucer of ice
cream, and when your attendant presses
you to take moroy answer that you have
masticated a sufficiency, and more would
be a superfluity." Things wont on very
smoothly until her attendant asked her
to partake of more refreshments, when, to
the horror of her friend, and amusement
of the compuny, sho auswercd, in a loud
voice ; " I have evuporated insufficiently
any more would go flippity-floppity."
BST A clergyman addressed his female
auditors as follows : " Be not proud that
our blessed Lord paid your sex the dis
tinguished honor of appearing first to a
female after resurrection, for it was only
that the glad tidings might spread sooner.