2
l)c imc0, Nctu Bloomfttli), 3a.
A Conductor Badly Sold.
A CHICAGO paper tells the follow
lowing good story, as an event hav
ing happened on a road having its termi
nus in that city :
On a recent trip there came aboard the
train at Adrian a well-dressed, though
modest little woman, heal ing in her arms
(i cherub of Home three mouths of age.
The woman with her child took a seat in
(ho ladies' car. Soon (lie conductor came
along to collect the fares. "When he ar
rived at the seat occupied by the little
woman ho appeared 'slightly confused,
but regaining his equilibrium, asked to
boo her ticket. She replied that she was
not possessed of the desired piece of
pasteboard, neither had ihc the w here
with to purchase the article. Koine con
versation in a low tone then occurred be
tween the conductor and his impecunious
passenger, when he turned about and go
ing to the gentlemen occupying the coach
told them that the woman was a deserv
ing creature, who had met with misfor
tune through the machinations of some
"double-dyed villain," etc., and whom he
desired to help. lie proposed to head a
subscription in her behalf with a V ;
would not the liberal-hearted passengers
assist him? Of course they would. Who
could resist such a tempting oiler? In
less time than it requires to write these
lines a purse of considerable magnitude
was collected and handed to the little wo
man in black, who returned her thanks
with tears, which spoke more eloquently
than words.
While what is above related was
occurring, the train was speeding on its
westward way st ition afier station being
passed in quick succession. When ' II ud
jiou' was called, the little woman in black
started to her feet and rushed for the
door of the ear, forgetting in her haste to
take along the " blessed baby," which was
left in the seat lately occupied by its
mother. In a minute the train was again
under headway, and was soon beyond the
suburbs of the charmiuj: village. As it
sped along toward the setting sun, the
jostling awoke flic offspring of the "wo
man in black," the late recipient of alms,
and then, for the first time, were the oc
cupants of the coach made aware that
the woman had abandoned her babe.
The poor innocent was at once kindly
cared for by some gentle ladies, and the
conductor notified of what had occurred.
At Pittsford, the next station, the con
ductor stopped the train, gave the waif
into the keeping of the agent, and, call
ing tho telegraph into requisition, sent a
dispatch to Hudson, requesting the ar
rest of the "woman in black," and giving
his reasons for making the request.
A lapse of twenty-four hours must now
occur, as they say in tho play bills, before
wc can. commence the second act of our
little drama, the curtain having descend
ed on tho first at the telegraph office at
Pittsford.
On Saturday our conductor was again
on tho road, this time journeying east
ward, bound for Toledo. When he reach
ed Pittsford he again took aboard the
abandoned child, intending to deliver it
to its mother at Hudson. Upon reach
ing the latter station ho alighted with
tho cherubim in his arms, and immediate
ly set about searching for tho mother or
somo one into whoso possession ho could
give the babe. But no ono could bo
found to accept the charge. Not they.
" Not lor Joseph '. J hey knew a trick
worth two of that. - They had been pres
ent at an examination ot the little woman
before a Justice of the Peace, and heard
the testimonrl " Oh, no, Mr. Conductor,
keep your child ; don't try to bring it
over to us to bring up. A pretty father
you are to act so shamefully.
Such were tho noble responses our no
ble conductor received from tho people of
Hudson, whose population ho was so
anxious to increase to the extent of ono
soul.
Of course ho was mystified, not to siy
dumbfounded. What does all this
nonsense mean ? Would they explain ?
Would they come out from behind their
masks and inform him who ho was? And
all that sort of thing."
An explanation followed. It appear
ed that when tho woman was taken into
custody in response to the Pittsford tele
gram of the day before, she demanded
an instant examination before a compe
tent judicial tribunal. This was accord
ed her, and the telegram- was oflered as
the chief witnoss for tho prosocution.
Though a little irregular, it was admittod
to testify, and had its duo weight upon
h mind of " His Honor."
Then canio the defense. The little wo
man proceeded. She admitted that she
had abandoned bor child, but contende ,
Bka had doao nothing wrong. Ooj
half of tho infant belonged to her, and
she was willing to give up even that share.
To its father belonged the remainder.
Iuto the possession of its father had she
delivered tho child. The conductor, tho
author of the dispatch, which led to. her
arrest, was also tho author of its being,
and he must look to it.-" welfare in tho fu
ture. She had done all for it she was go
ing to do, "and that's the end on't."
The learned magistrate took the testi
mony under advisement a few minutes,
and then rendered " judgment in favor of
the defendant," in other words, ordered
that tho woman be released from custody
and be permitted to depart. And she
did depart, right s6on, to parts unknown.
The conductor upon hearing this reve
lation, was almost distracted ; he paced
frantically up and down the platform, one
moment cursing the crowd, which, by this
time had grown to considerable magni
tude, and tho next imploring some one to
relieve him from his unpleasant predica
ment, and take the " accursed baby'' oil'
his hands. lie said ho was a married
man, with a wife and children of his own
to support, and did not want to add to his
flock any stray lambs.
Finally ho succeeded in convincing an
old lady iu the crowd that they had been
imposed upon by the mysterious woman,
and she consented to take the innocent
cause of all his troubles under her pro
tecting wing.
And so ends the drama of the " Mys
terious Woman, or, the Abandoned Baby
and Distracted Conductor."
All Instructive Witness.
At atrial in the Court of King's Bench
between two publishing houses as to an
alleged piracy ot an argument of " The
old English Gentleman," T. Cooke was
subpoenaed as a witness. On cross-examination
by Sir J as. Scarlett, the coun
sel, rather flippantly said, " Now sir, you
say that the two melodies are the same,
but different. 'What do you mean sir?"
Tom promptly answered ; " I said that
the notes in the two copies were alike,
but with a different accent." Sir James;
"What is musical accent?" Cooke:
" My terms are a guinea a lesson, sir."
(A loud laugh). Sir James rather
milled : " Don't mind your terms here;
I ask you what is musical accent? Can
you sec it?" Cooke; " No." Sir James:
"Canyon feel it?" Cooke: "A musi
cian can." Great laughter.-1 Sir James
very angrily : " Now, pray, sir, don't
beat about tho bush: but tell bis lordship
and tho jury, who are supposed to know
nothing about it, tho meaning of what
you call accent." Cooke: " Accent in
music is a stress laid on a particular. note
as you would lay a stress on any gfvon
word, for tho purpose of being better un
derstood. If 1 were to say, You are an
ass, it rests on ass; but were 1 to say,,
You are an ass, it rests on you, Sir
James." Ileiteratcd shouts of laughter
by the whole Court, iu which tho Bench
joined, followed the repartee. Silence
being obtained, Lord Dennian, the Judge
with much seeming gravity, accosted tho
chop fallen counsel, "Are you satisfied,
Sir James?" Sir James deep red as
he naturally was had become Scarlett
iu more than name, and in a great huff
said : " The witness may go down."
Spoiling his own Trade.
No person gains anything by acting
the' part of " dog in tho manger," or try
ing to do business at the expense of oth
ers. There are a great many people in
tho world and all have a right to get a
living honestly, as we have. The follow
ing short story lias a good moral :
Somo years ago, a certain tradesman
became offended at a brother chip, and to
spite him put a sign over tho door warn
ing tho public against tho man ot the
same trade around the corner. Tho re
sult was, that every one that wanted work
done in his way, was sure to look around
the corner to see who tho other man
could be, and in nine cases in ten left
their work with him to do.
In the course of time, tho tradesman,
who had thus punished his enemy, found
that customers, like" angels' visits," were
few and far between, and finally relented,
and offered his neighbor, on condition
that ho would acknowledge that ho had
done wrong in the first instance, that ho
would take the sign down.
" My dear sir," said tho good-natured
man, " I have ever been ready to ac
knowledge anything, or do anything that
was necessary to make peace, but i be;
of you not to take the sign down if you
can afford to keep it up, lor it is the best
advertisement for my business that could
bo devisea"
Tried for Forgery.
1I1EBR lived in the city of V-
T
in the State of Pennsylvania, a gen
tleman on the shady side of sixty, who
had by industry aud economy amassod n
large competence, sustaining in all the
work of life a character above suspicion.
He was the head of a fine family, and no
ted for his eccentricities and his peculiar
style of dress. He was stooped shoul
drred, limped a little, and for ten years
previous to tho time of tho scene about to
be narrated, wore a coat that had turned
red with age.
It was the middle of the afternoon of
a clou ly dismal day in March, when an
old man entered one of the banks iu tho
city named, and presented a check for
payment. The cashier took it and paid
over to the man :!0.000, and be descend
ed the steps into the street.
In less than five minutes after he had
left, the check was discovered to bo a for
gery. The proper authorities were immc-
uiately notified by the cashier, who gave
them a description of the person, and rig
id search was immediately commenced.
In about hall an hour niterwards, an
officer entered the bank with a man an
swering to tho description, and, present
ing him to the cashier, asked him if that
was the man.
J'hat is !he man; I cannot be mista
ken," ho replied. He eyed him a little
closer, being near-sighted and throwing
up his hands, ho exclaimed :
'Mr. Bawling, (tho gentleman alluded
to in the opening of tho narrative,) can
it be possible that you have committed
this forgery?"
The old man protested his innocence,
but of no avail ; for he was led away to
prison to await, tiie sitting of the court.
His friends wished to go Ins bail, but
he obstinately refused to accept release,
and lay in jail three months.
ihe day ot trial came on, and, although
lefended by the best legal talent, the evi
dence against him was conclusive, and ho
was convicted.
It was sentence day. Tho court room
was filled with spectators, and the friends
and relatives of the prisoner. It was a
sorrowful scene, and among tho partici
pants were tho wife and two lovely daugh
ters of Mr. Bawling, their beautiful faces
swollen with weeping over tho sad fate of
their father. One by one tho prisoners
descended from the box and received their
sentences.
Bawling was next in turn. There was
an awlul silence for some moments when
the judge, in a choking, trembling voice,
for he was an intimate friend of the con
demned man. said :
" Mr. Bawling!"
He arose and took a stand bcfjrc the
judge.
1 he judge proceeded :
" Have you or any ono in tho room a
reason why tho sentence of the law should
not bo passed against you ?"
Hero a terrible silence ensued, almost
paralyzing tho hearts of many anxious
friends; when, all at once a prisoner in
the box a young man arose and said,
" I have."
" Your reason," said tho judge.
" Biicause he is not guilty. I will ex
plain." What a mountain's weight of sorrow
was lifted from the hearts of somo by tho
pronunciation of these words not yuitiy.
" Proceed ! Proceed !" cried a hun
dred voices.
" I will. If you will send some relia
ble man an ofliccr or two with mo to
a certain point on tho main highway lead
ins out of tho city, under a flat stone of
peculiar shape, you will find $10,000 of
the money ; tho balanco I lost at faro.
They started, followed by a crowd. In
an hour an hour of anxiety and excite
ment they returned, aud produced the
money in court.
" Now, said tho prisoner, " send to
room No. 14, at tho Linden House, on
A street, and you will find a hair
trunk, whioh you will bring to me."
In due time tho trunk was brought in
court,aiid at tho previous secret request of
the judgo, through the shcrilt, ho and the
trunk were placed in ono ante-room and
Mr. Kawliug in another.
in a lew minutes ho or Ivawling, no
one knew which it was, took his place in
the box, and tho judgo ordered tho Slier
iff. to summon the Cashier, which ho
did.
He now came in.
"Are you the cashier of the bank in
which that check was forged for $30,000.
" I am, sir."
" Bofore passing sentence upon this
man 1 would have you look at him and
tell the court he is
tho man' said, (he
Judge..
" He is the man. I cannot be be mis
taken, although I am sorry to say it."
Hero tho prisoner suddenly twitched
tho whiskers from his face, threw off his
hat and coat, and stood in his shirtsleeves
a mere boy. The cashier swooned, fell
upon the floor, aud was carried out of the
court room.
" I am the man," said tho prisoner.
" who did the forging of that check. I
came from England a few months ago, dc -
tcrmincu to make a raise. 1 knew the
man would be looked at and not the check.
How well I did it you all know ; but I
could not sec an innocent man suffer for
u crime that 1 had committed."
Bawling was discharged and borne off
triumphantly on the shoulders of his
friends, and in consideration of the hon
esty of heart of the young man, the Gov
ernor commuted his sentence from twen
ty to two years he having been convict
ed of another charge.
Askinir Directions.
6 'pi AX you direct me to tho llo-
y tel I" inquired a gentleman with
a carpet bag, of a burly Hibernian stand
ing on the steps of the railway station.
" Faith," was the reply, " it's just mo
can do the same. You see, you just go
up this strate till you come to Thady
O Mulligan's shop. Then you "
" Bat 1 don't know where Thady O'
Mulligan's shop is."
" 6, faith, why didn't I think of that?
Well, then, yer honor must kapo on till
you get to the apple waman's stand, on
the corner of the brick church, it is, and
keep on the right, and go till you get to
the sign of the big watch, and mind that
yo don'tj'ull down the cellar thereaway;
after that you turn to the right or left
but by the bones of St. Patrick I don't
really know which."
Tho traveller turned iu despair to a
long, lank Jonathan, who was standing
whistling near by, and made tho same in
quiry. " May bo you're going to put up,
there ?"
" Yes, I int end to."
"Did you come from far off?"
" Yes, from Philadelphia; but can you
tell mo where "
" Got any more baggage ?" said tho im
terturbablc Yankee.
" No, this is all," said tho traviier,
convinced that tho only way to get the
direction was to submit.
. " Coin'' to stay
In
, V"
" Couldn't say," was tho reply, in a
crusty manner. " But I'm in a hurry."
" Wait a minute. I reckon you're a
married man, ain't you ?"
"No, I'm not, and I won't answer no
more questions till you have answered."
" Well, squire said tho Yankee, cool
ly, " I'd like to, but the truth is, I have
ucver been here before myself."
In less than a minute a carpet bag
with a man attached, was seen hurry
ing away from the vicinity, cursing tho
Irishmen and Yankees.
A reazlo Tree.
In one of the lower counties of Ma
ryland, there flourished in tho palmy
days of tho "peculiar institution," an
old darkey preacher, who used no notes
and prided himself on his extemporane
ous efforts. His white brethren called
him " Doctor" a title which he accept
ed, of course, with ludicrous gravity.
At a camp meeting which tho " Doctor"
was holding, one of these friends gave
him as a text, this passage in the Psalms
of David: " Wake, psaltery and harp; I
myself will arise right early." The
" Doctor" adjusted his spectacles, and
read :
" Wake, pcaslo tree and harp ; I my
self will arouse right airly."
Tho "Doctor" went on to explain that
Moses was a very early riser; that he had
a peaslo tree which grew uear his win
dow; and that he was wont to rise mighty
early and hang his harp on de peaslo
tree, wid psalms.
In a religious excitement in Bos
ton, a person met a neighbor who took
him by the hand and said :
" I have become a christian."
" I am glad of it," ho replied. " Sup
pose wo now havo a settlement of that
littlo account betwecu us. Pay me what
thou owest."
" No," said tho new born child, turning
on his heel : " religion is religion, and
business is business." Isn't there too much
such religion ?
Some young men think if, is a
" fino thing" to sow their " wild oats,"
but they do not know what a haryestthey
will have to reap.
A Satisfying Drink.
SOME years since, when they were
buildin' the locks on Coal river, I was
over thar at Peytona, an' I stopt in at Dr.
Helium's.
There was a famine just then, and
great sufferm' among men, women and
children, l'r want of tho necessaries of
life.
Leastwise, it was about the same thing.
Thar was plenty of meat an abundance
of corn and no skereity of chickens, but
the rivers were dry, an' whiskey run en
tirely short. Some prudent people had
laid in sufficient stock, but more had not,
an' the suffcrin was enormous.
Dr. Helium was in trouble, too, ho
sympathized with his neighbors, but ho
had a half barrel of 05 per cent alco
hol ia his house, an' as far as he was con
cerned, he managed to fix up with sugar
an' water, an' gum, an' ether, an sieh
truck, until he made a purty fair drink.
Seein' 1 was a friend of his, he invited
me to sample it. Well, it kinder filled
the room with the smell, an' just then a
iutu from the Mud river country camo
in on his way to Baleigh court house.
He smelt tho smell, an' says: " I've been
nigh two days from home, an' I'm almost
starved."
" Oh," says Helium, pintin'to the car.k,
" that's it, help yourself,"
'fhe chap brightened up, an' he d rawed
a Lvcl tumblerful of that alcohol, ai'
aforo you ould say, "scat, you beast,'
down it, went !
Helium, he turned pale.
Says the man, ' I'm much obleged to
you. That's sarchin !" an' he turned an'
went out.
Helium set as if he'd bin shot, and then
jumped up.
" That won't do," says he. " That's
enough to pizcu a crowd. I'll call him
back and give him an emetic."
We both went to the door. lie was
not in sight. I run up to the kriek, an'
Helium, he run down tho road; but it
warn't of no use.
"I shouldn't wonder," says Helium,
"of that chap hasn't gone aud died some
where by himself. Thar'll bo a corpso
found directly, and lots of trouble."
Well, we sot thar for about an hour,
talking about the poor chap's melancholy
fate, when all to wonst, in walks the chap
himself, ns peert as a wild cat.
" Doctor," says he, " I'm a guino a long
way up the river, an'jjliquor is skase, an'
if it's all the same to you could you spare
mo another tumblerful ? It's tho most
satisfyiu' liquor 1 ever drank."
Not So Green As Ho Looked.
rgIIFJlH IS a class of men in the city
JL who arc on the look out for a ' flat'
continually. When they find one they
endeavor to entice hiiu into a game of
cards, just for fun, you know, and soon
a proposition is made for money, wdien,
alter permitting him to win a few dol
lars, they go in and scientifi cally ' scoop'
him. That is their business. A day or
two ago a couple of these sharps ' caught
a countryman,' as they term it, and got
hiiu iuto a game of cards. Who n betting
was proposed ho seemed nothing loth,
producing a roll of greenbacks that mado
them wrigglo with delight. Here was
richness indeed. The man was evidently
very green, and his money they looked
upon as already their own. They allow
ed him to win more than they usually do,
fooling sure of their victim. As he ra
ked in the winnings he would remark
that tho luck was all his way, and he felt
already ashamed to take their money in
that manner. ' Puro luck,' said ho,
bullhead luck, nothiu' else. Hotter quit
this, and play for driuks, gentlemen ; I'm
really 'shamed to take your money, posi
tively 'bhamed.'
Tho ' beats' chuckled and felt so suro
of their man that they actually let him
sweep iu nearly all their 'stake;' but
when they were ready to close in ouhim
and go for his pile, he hastily threw down
tho cards, jumped up to his feet aud ex
claimed, ' Now, gentlemen, this is too bad
Luck's all agin' yo to-day aud wo'd bet
ter quit. Some other day '
'Oh, sit down. Take another hand.
We don't cry ' quit yet.'
' Can't do it, gentleman ; its robbery
and nothiu' else for mo to play with you,
cos' you see luck is all on my side. I
can't take your money not no more. Good
day, goutlemen.' '
And thus this innocent countryman,
after being permitted to win oil these poor
sharp's moticy, walked off, leaving them
exceedingly chop-fallen. As he emerged
into tho street he was observed to lay hi
finger on his noso significantly and re
mark, .I'm not quito so green as I looki.'