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l)c tmc0, New Bloomfteft, 3cu
The Doctor's Secret:
on
THE TWO Al'OTJIECAKIES.
SOME years ago there lived in a coun
try town ncur Canterbury, a private
gentleman named Turner, lie had an
only son, who, having attained the age of
fifteen, was very desirous of qualifying
himself to follow the profession of an
apothecary and surgeon. Accordingly
his father had him bound to am emi
nent surgeon of tho same place, whose
name was Stevens. The young man was
so attentive to his busiue.ss. that, before
he was out of his time, he was universal
ly allowed to bo as great a proficient in
medicine as his master.
His apprenticeship Icing corcludid,
tho friends and acquaintances of young
Mr. Turner came to make merry and
upend the evening with him, as was at
that time customary; and among the
rest, his father, who, entering into con
versation with Mr. Stevens, relative to
his son s capacity ami inclinations lor his
profession, at last thus addressed him :
"Sir, I should grieve to find anything
left undone that might prevent or lessen
his qualification to his art."
The apothecary said :
" Sir, 1 believe him to bo as capable in
ib as .myself, barring that he cannot have
had so much experience, I have neglect
ed no part of bis instruction, and have
communicated all 1 know except a single
point which is a secret I discovered my
self, and having experienced its truth and
value, I am not willing to impart it to
any one, without an adequate compensa
tion." Mr. Turner was unwilling that his son
should be deficient in any point which
might bo wanting to complete him for the
profession, and therefore demanded the
price of his secret.
" Sir," answered Mr. Stevens, " if your
son makes a proper use of it, it may bring
iu thousands. 1 look upon it as infallible,
and to a man of prudence, and in great
practice, it may be invaluable; but as
your son has served his time with me,
and has behaved well, and attended dili
gently to his business, I will make him
master of this useful and excellent nos
trum for thirty guineas."
After a little consideration, and deba
ting matters with his son, .Mr. Stevens
agreed to make it twenty guineas, which
.were paid immediately, and he gave in
return a slip of paper, on which seven
words were written, being the recipe of
his great and precious nostrum.
Tho old gentleman after reading the
recipe, burst into a violent passion, say
ing he had been defrauded, and had part
ed with his money without an equivalent,
and that he would appeal to the laws for
redress. The surgeon, being in posses
sion of tho money, remained quiet, and
permitted him to vent his rage at leisure;
when this had somewhat subsided, lie
aaid calmly, to Mr. Turner:
"Why, sir, although you now make so
slight of this secret, because you know it,
yet, insignificant as it may appear to you,
it lias put many hundred pounds into my
pocket, and if your son will always bear
it in mind, and make proper use ot it, hi;
may turn it to as good an account as 1
have done."
Still this did not satisfy Mr. Turner
At length, his son interposed, aud said to
his lather :
' Do not, sir, make yourself uneasy
about the purchase of this seeming trifle;
my master has treated me honorably and
kindly during tho whole ot my appren
ticeship, and I have no reason to suppose
ho wishes to impose on cilher ot us.-r
You do not understand our business
tbero are secrets in all trades; and I have
no doubt but I shall, as Mr. Stevens
nays, profit greatly by this valuablo area'
uum, so that I beg you will be contented,
and leave tho rest to me. I shall take
oare that tho nioueyshull not bo thrown
way.
By this interposition of the son, Ids
fat bur became ut last easy, and when the
company broke up took him home.
A lew days after, ho wanted his son to
get up business for himself immediately,
in opposition to his old muster, whom he
still considered as having cheated him
The young gentleman, however, had
roinu to iravei, ma endeavored to con
vince his father how necesary it was to go
to Pure for further experience in tho
practice of surgery ,and that, iu that city,
urgcons had the opportunities of perfec
ting themselves in their protession. At
lengtii the the old gentleman, however,
reluctantly gave his consent, and his son
Set out tor runs.
After his arrival there he attended the
hospitals during a year, and then contin
ued his travels through Italy and Ger
many. After having thus employed sev
en or eight years, and being greatly im
proved in his person, learning aud pro
fessional skill, in both physic and surgery,
he returned to England, with the it solu
tion to travel all over it iu the character
of a mountebank doctor, which profes
sion at that timo was in great esteem,
both in Italy and in Germany.
This ho accordingly began to do with
great success and applause, aud having
completed his tour in about a year, be at
last contrived to arrive at tiie little town
where he had served his tin. e. His long
absence made such an alteration in his
person and features, that be Was under no
apprehensions of being known ; to lb it
assuming the namcoi Baron do ilctourg
nac, and announcing himself as a lamuus
foreign physician, on his travels through
out Europe, ha advertised that ho pro
posed remaining some time in Canterbury
and its vicinity. Aeeoruingly he began
by making a figure with his carriage ana
his servants, mid iu a short ti.i.e acquired
great reputation as well as emolument
li'om a number oi cures widen no per
formed. It so happened that wh'.l.-.t he was
mounted on his stage, in this town, at
tended by his servants, who dc.di nut lus
medicines to his liume ous purchasers,
hisold mai tjr Stevens, approached as near
as he could, in ol der to In ar the learned
doctor harangue
As si on as tiie doctor saw him he knew
him, aud a pleasant fancy that moment
striking him, be began to aduress the
peetators as jodows :
"Ladies a..d gentlemen, it is notorious
that the mcdic.d praeliuiiers and proici-
sors in this country almost cut. rely ncg-
lect mo sttiuy oi inone sciences which uo
not immediately relate to phasic; so that
ihey remain u.i.iciiu lintel w.tii so many
curious facts and observations which tend
to elucidate numberless cases in their pro
fessional line. 'i hose observations are
generally known to the most celebrated
physicians on the Continent, aud aie ol
ibe utmost consequence to thousands ol'
people who are atilicled with grievous
disorders and maladies. When i was at
Home,! learned of a very oiiii.xnt Italian
secret, which tor real use aud value, can
scarcely be paralleled in the known world,
uid which 1 have oi ten experienced, with
out ever having been deceived, it is an
art of such a nature, that millions of
good are to be compare J to its intrinsic
value, and which, i am bold to say, no
one beside myself to day in Englaud has
tho least knowledge or conception of.
" iou may observe, ladies and gentle
men, that it is a maxim amo.igthe learned
that the texture or combination of parts
of the blood be already formed in a par
ticular state, which is vulgarly called a
vicious habit of the body, it is incapable
of contracting or receiving certain malig
nances which eifect or d.stamper it, aud
which malignancies will prevail iu a great
er or less degree, and become more or
less virulent, according to its vitiated
state ; all which 1 grant to be true. Hut
1 have now further to observe, that, the
face is a palpable index to tho mind,
wherein we may read tokens of the in
ward passions, so tiler's are likewise cer
tain signs to be observed iu the face only,
wherein we may perceive many prognos
tics and symptoms of various approaching
diseases, which arc then breeding and en
gendering iu the blood, and which, by
thus being discovered, that if they are
skilfully attacked iu time, that is, before
they get to their height and gain the mas
tery, may, by proper methods, bo easily
removed ; and if they aro not so easiiy
found out and treated, they may, and of
ten do occasion tho death ot tho patient.
This, ladies, and gentlemen, is tho art
and mystery which I studied, and, if I
can discover among tho vast concourse of
people who surround me, any such per
son whose present necessity requires my as
taiice, and by whom 1 may prove the
truth of what 1 have been advancing, I
will instantly point him out publicly be
fore you all."
So, having spent some time in survey
ing the throng, and affecting a very grave
aud penetrating look, he pitched upon his
old master, aud pointing to him :
" There," said ho, " is the gentleman
who 1 am ccrtaiu, that ho will really,
without any assistance, in ten days time,
be. no longer living, and no other
person in this kingdom except myself,
can possibly administer anything that
will cure him. And so well- do 1 know
tho nature and causo of tho- distemper
which is now invading his animal fluids,
that I would have you, gentlemen, partic
ularly notice that 1 assure you, at seven
or eight o'clock this evening, ho will bo
seized with lownesi of spirits, restless all
night, to-morrow ho lopes his appetite,
then a fever will succeed, after which it
will fall upon his nerves, and in a short
time it will carry him off.
" Thus, sir, be pleased to remember,"
continued he, addressing himself to the
apothecary, " that I bavo told you the
different stages and changes of your new
disorder, and seek tho best advice and
assitaucc you may, you will find all I have
advanced to be exactly true."
Here tho people were till amazed at
this strange prognostication of the for
eign mountebank upon their own town
doctor, and were impatient for ils issue.
The learned orator, having finished ail he
had intended to say upnx the subject, im
mediately proceeded iu his harangue on
other matters.
'i he poor apothecary could think ol
nothing nut what the stranger had proph
esied concerning his approaching illness,
lie went home directly, and related to
ins wi ;e ail he had heard. And some
iitile time alter, the good woman, per
ceiving her husband pausing, melancholy,
and apparently concerned at it, could not
help .-y mi
iniiai li,.ilig
a little with him,
say-
" My dear, I am sorry ti see you so
grave, but i hope you do not feel the dis
ease co iling on you already. 1 should
think you are tiie best judge whether the
doctor e.iuh.l perceive any symptoms of
illness in you ; but if I nught advise you,
you should for prevention and security,
take something, which you may think
serviceable directly.
Av." replied tho husband, "but be
also told me that nobody but himself
could toll what to give me that would do
aiiv good; aud therefore it I find myself
attacked according to his prediction, it
will be in vain lor me to attempt any
remedy, Irom my own prescription or
from any person but hiin-elf.
J'Yoiu this moment he began to be very
uneasy in mind, and consequently bis
disorder commenced, and, about seven or
eight o clock was the time the doctor had
fixed for his lowucss of spirits to begin,
be was very impatient to see what altera
tion would appear at that time, and very
soi.n after he was so extremely ill that be
could hot sit up any longer, so that to
bod he went; and his distemper increas
ing the next day, as Dr. do llctourgnac
had foretold, his appetite was wholly lost,
aud the news of his illness spread over
the whole town, to the credit and honor
of the mountebank baron ; and, although
Mr. Stevens was very unwilling to send
for him, fearing that it , might tend to
lesson his own reputation in future, yet
he was persuaded that all tho medicine
in the world without his assistance, would
be unavailing.
So that on the next day, a fever ensu
ing, (which was inevitable with a man of
such notions,) by the advice of his wife
and some friends, be at last sent for Dr.
do llctourgnac, who being come, took no
notice of ever having seen bis patient
belorc, ielt his pulse, asked such ques
tions as he thought proper, told that his
disease was ol a very dangerous nature,
that he had not found any physician in
England who knew how to manage it
properly, but still had hopes of being
able to recover him iu a lew days, as be
bad been called in time; that, if he cured
him, he would have forty guineas for his
medicine and attendance; aud that, if he
did not succeed ho was willing to forfeit
a thousand.
To these terms the apothecary gladly
consented, and tho doctor went homo to
prepare something to relievo him. We
may suppose any simple thing would do;
for tho euro was to be effected, not by
the medicine, but by tho physician.
Erom this moment ho began to amend
apace, so that, tho euro was -effected, in
four or five days, and tho doctor not only
received his stipulated reward, but was
extolled in an extraordinary manner.
"After Mr. Stevens was quite well again,
ho was very anxious to know by what
rule or method an approaching distemper
could be found out, and how a euro was
to bo worked. lie. thought, if ho could
by any means obtain this secret, be should
be happy, and then be ablo to vie with
any of his competitioners in England.
So, after he had made a proposal to the
doctor for the purchase of tho secret, and
had taken a great deal of pains about it,
he at last agreed with him to bo taught
this occult science for a hundred guineas.
Aud which to his treat joy tho bargain
was struck and the money paid, tho
mountebank baron gave him a paper.
neatly folded and scaled, which, as ho
said, contained the whole art and mystery.
The apothecary, with his great impa
tience, broke the seal, and to his great
surprise, found the paper contained noth
ing but the identical nostrum in his own
hand writing which ho had formerly sold
to Mr Turner, being only " Conceit can
kill! mid conceit ran cure!"
lie remained sometime as if stunned,
till the doctor burst iuto a lit of laughter,
and discovering himself asked him wheth
er he did not approve of the secret. The
apothecary was obliged to be satisfied,
finding by his own documents he had
been diseased and restored. And Mon
sieur le Baron llctourgnac, now Dr. Tur
ner, by following his master's advice when
his father purchased tho secret, not only
recovered the principal, but lour times as
much iu addition, beside his fee, and had
the pleasure of returning tho compliment
to his old master, properly trying this
most excellent nostrum, and experiment
ally proving it to be infallible.
A Tonsil l.oosc Story.
rjpiIEIlE once lived in one of the little
Jj towns, not. many miles from Conway,
Ne.v Hampshire, an eccentric individual
by the mime of Eoss, whoso fame as a
story teller was known for miles around.
" My house was situated in a glen some
six miles distant from tho stage road.
Between Conway and where 1 lived was
a pond of six miles iu circumference. It
s i happened one time early in the spring
that 1 hail been out late, and coming
homo I discovered a flock ot geeso as
they were just alighting in the pond.
Rising early the next morning, i built
the tire in tho lire place, and taking down
the old shooting iron, I started to the
pond to try my luck. Arriving - ou the
shore, L found to my sorrow that they
were out of gun shot, and to fire at that
distance would be to sheer folly. While
stood contemplating what to do, a fox
came down to the water's edge and stood
sunning the air. My first thought was to
shoot him, but on reflecting 1 concluded
to see what he would do. The fox in the
meantime entered tho water and was
swimming for the geese, which were hud
dled together bout half a mile from the
shore. After swimming within a few
yards of them, he suddenly disappeared
md in a lew moments a goose was drawn
under water, when Eeynard returned on
his homeward passage and landed his bur
den on shore, then returning again he
brought another, until finally he got the
whole Hock ; and when he brought tho
hist one 1 shot him. When I came to
pick up the gceese, I found I had got fifty
good liiee ones, which I lugged home, to
gether with the fox and my gun. The
old woman bad not got breakfast ready
then."
" But, Mr. Foss, the fox, to capture the
geese, had to swim out half a mile and
back, thus making a milo for each
goose; consequently the fox swam fifty
miles, and as tho geese averaged six
pounds apiece, it made the sum of three
hundred pounds, to say nothing of the
fox and gun ; the thing was impossible."
" Impossible or not, every word of it
is true," exclaimed the old man, ' and 1
can prove it by lliore'n a dozen of my
neighbors, to each of whom I sold feath
ers enough to fill a bed."
Freezing His Hog.
Tho following good story is told of Mr.
Lincoln. He was called to an out-of-the
way place to attend to some legal business
in tho midst of a cold winter. His client
was an old 'Kentucky hunter who kept
a number ot dogs. J. lie hunter met hi m
very cordially but remarked that ho was
sorry be could give him no better accom
modations, as bis house was a one-story
log hut. After supper, Lincoln was put
to bed in the loft, where ho coald distin
guish everything going on below. About
midnight an enormous hound began to
howl, and pret'y soon J.inei In heard the
wife's voice saying : " Get up, Dick, and
stop that dog's noise. He'll wake Mr.
Lincoln." The old man turned uneasily
in his bed and mutterrcd incoherently:
" Oh, shut up, Peg, Lincoln can sleep 's
well's wo can." Soon the dog howled
again and tho woman repeated her
former request, attending it with somo
lively punches, until the old man was
worried into rising, though very regret
fully. IIo went into tiie yard with no
clothing on except his shirt and was
gone some time, l'eggy's curiosity was
aroused to know tho causo of his absence,
and finally, after many preliminary moves
and exclamations, she arose herself and
stepped out of tho house in tho same un
dressed condition. Lincoln peeped be
tween tho logs and saw tho old man
holding the hound by the ears. IIo was
hailed by the loving spouso with, " Why,
what in goodness gracious sako aro you
doing?" Tho hunter's responso was
short and direct. " I'm holding this
d d dog 'til he freezes to death, so
that ho wont keep Lincoln awako any
longer."
The misfortunes of Smith.
,4 YOUNG Irish woman, not of very
j prepossessing appearance, met on
the Jersey boat last week a young man,
whom she claimed as her long lost bus
band. As this young man, whose name
was William Smith, had never been mar
ried, be had a nervous dread ot women,
and when he found he was claimed body
and soul, by a lady, with her face on one
side and an upper range of prominent
teeth, ho remembered he had a friend in
the engine room of the boat whom he
had not seen lately, and to tho recess
thereof he speedily dived. This did not
bailie or take off the scent of tho female
pretender. When be left the ferry house
the girl he had left behind him wi.s there
to greet him. lie found that to convince
a woman against her will was more than
ne was equal to. All that lie could say,
either iu the way of chaff or sober, ear
nest talk, left her -of the same opinion
still. As they created a disturbance in
the streets, and the woman's pertinaney
only increased instead of diminished, the
officer on post was obliged to take the
pair before Justice llugan at the Tombs
Police Court.
At the time of their arrival the Justice
was engaged with a case in tho Examina
tion l'ooiu, and Mr. Charles Wall, tho
clnet clerk, with character. stie
chiv
airy
towards the fair sex, took the pair
and
and the policeman into the ser
geant's room of the court. There the
young woninu was asked if her husband
bad any marks upon him by which he
could bo iudeutilied, and she replied that
, i , i .
on ins arm sue remembered seeing a
scratch" or "blister." Upon hearing
this Mr. Smith pulled off his coat, bared
his arms, and, evidently enjoying tho
novelty of his position, stretched them
out as witnesses that he was not the law
ful rib of tho deceived damsel befbro
him.
" You're the man, though !" exclaimed
Mrs. Simpson. " You married mo about
two years ago. and ' left mo three weeks
after we were married. I am sure you'ro
the man."
By this time the justice had assumed
the judicial chair. Mrs. Simpson told
her story. Mr. Smith said he was never
married in his life, gave his name and
address, and the history of bis life, aud
with evident truthfulness,
This only increased the lady's positive
uess, and she gave an address in Front
street, where they boarded at the time
they were married.
Justice Ili gaii said: I think you're mista
ken, madam ; but if you will go with tho
policeman and tho man to tho boarding
house, perhaps they will' indentify him,
and you can come back and give me tho
result.
In about half an hour they returned.
Mr. Smith was cot known at the board
ing bouse, and could not be recognized aa
the gentlemen who married this opiniona
ted lady. Mr. Smith was released, but
Mrs. Simpson went away convinced that
she had been defrauded by the Justice
out of a lawful husband.
CSy"" A gentleman traveling in Ireland
hired a pure native as a servant, who ho
thought could give him information of
the country. Observing a .beautiful resi
dence at somo distance, tho following col
loquy ensued.
" Patrick, who lives there f
"It's Mr. Fitzgerald, that's
dead,
sir."
" What diil ho die of?"
" He died of a Thursday, sir."
"How long has he been dead, Pat
rick ?"
' If ho had lived till r.ext Thursday,
sir, he'd been dead a year."
The gentleman thinking Tat's wita
were wool gathering asked :
" Have you taken anything to drink,
to-day, Patrick?"
" Nary dhrap."
" Will you take a little ?"
I will, sir."
" Well, what shall it bo ? Will you
take raw liquor, or will you have grog,
or shall I niako you a toddy ?" ,
" If yer honor plcaso, I will take the
raw liquor first, then I can be a drink
ing tho grog whilo you aro making tho
toddy."
US?" " Why don't you wear your ring,
my dear ?" said a father in a ball-room to
his daughter.
" Bccauso, papa, it hurts me when any
one squeezes my hand."
" What business have you to have your
hand squeezed 1"
" Certainly none; but still, you know,
papa, one would like to keep it in equcet
ablo order."