2
Cl)c imc0, Kctu Bloomftcttr, J3cu
HIRAM GREEN'S WOOING.
Tills life wood be a one hoss sho,
Without a day to sport in i
There iscnt a tiling a mn can do
So liuukey as a cortin.
SO rites the poeck Green. A nmn
wieh hascnt bin a cortin, nnd cngoid
tliem eroliunkey times, is no nioro com
plete than a bole of mush and milk with
out the usual quantity of lacteal flooid
Standin lecnin over the front gate the old
hunisted, holdin the digits of her who
has frozed tito to yoor affecshuns oh I
its Booth in like. It makes a feller tingle
all over,as if a hull regiment of little nak
ed coopids was skwirtin laffin guss, ise
crceni and colone water into his ercs with
a 40-hoss power steeni fire ingin. Mem
ry caries mo back on her played-out ve
locipede to the days of my yooth, when I
was a castin longin eyes and hevin deep
size to she who was Mariar Conklln ; but
she now struts about wcarin the uniform
of Mrs. Square Green, and knocken the
spots off of any woman in this ere nashun
as a gitter up of veal pot pizo and ingun
puddins.
I remember Sunday evenings, when
fallin into Hue with the rest of the boys
about the church doors waitin for Mariar
to come out, my gizzard wood warble up
und down in my throte like a inule'e ere
when scntin his otes.
The curus sensashun that a man feels
them times is extremely bully. I uster
rite short snatches of poikry. Sum of
them I considered of hi order then, but
since I've grodo to an age of diskreshun,
aud taken to bell letters, the insignifi
ueats of them yoothful efforts are sub
limely fotograit ou my inteleck,
For instants :
CANTO 1st.
Owe ! Mariar, Mariar,
I sure will cckspire,
With my buzzum a heaven tor thee;
If you wont to be mine,
I bet I shall pine
I shall pine and bckura a pine tree!
CANTO 2d.
My heart is atlre
, For thee, true love:
I pant for Mariar,
My sweet turkle dovel
AC, AC.
I coodent egsist with my sole harrow
fid up so. Therefore, one pleasant even
in, when uatcr, with the ade of a potent
soothen syrup had bushed the prattlin
offspring to sleep, I dipt my flaxin lox
iuto a lot of medicated hog's lard grecst
my boots with cole-ta. put on my tother
close, and pinted for Deckiu Conklin's,
determined to woo the old man's darter,
W else be called a foofoo.
Mariar's muther cum to the door and
ushered me into the presents of my idle.
There sot Mariar a quarterm apples to
dry. Crieky ! didn't I feel sick ! Jess
no. IJ1 never furgit my feelins if I live
to be old enuff for the last revolushanary
soger. I wisht I was an apple and was
been quartered by them hands, as she so
gayly chucked her old case knife into
the core.
As the old .oman left suddenly, it
occurred to mo that she smelt a ded rat,
aud knew what I cum for. Walkin up
to Mariar, I took her by the apple-stained
hand and sed :
" Mariar, yoov jist old punkins," and I
slightly squoze her hand.
She sed with a little titter :
" Now, you git eout, He Green.
" I've cum," sed I, " to offer tho this
hart of mine. Will you share my lot?
Will you be my light fingered antelcpe
my rite bower ! Oh I Mariar, Mariar !"
I coctinood, throwin a little stage actin
into my voice, " coodist you, with them
ere peepers of yourn, see the agitashun
of this ere distracted heart, and beholdist
the "
I dident git no further fur goin thru
tho attitoods, I stept back, when ' ker
touse" I went into the swill keg, wich
was sot out to catch the apple parins into.
As I went down, up squashed the por
cine fodder, eoverin Mariar's dress. This
sot her to hollerin, when in cunis Deekin
Conklin, Miss Gonklin and 2 or three oth
er nabors. Thare I was, doubled up like
a jack nife, with my nose between mv
knees, looking as dogish as a string of
Bassiges.
A row by any other name
Wood smell as sweet as I,
With oncleen food all ore my close,
And slch perfoom, oh, my)
Old Miss Conklin was the fust tobrak
ilie silent. Sed She :
"Hiram Green, you're j fool. Yoove
jist got yoorself into a sweet old mess.
If you want to marry my gal, why don't
you up and say so, and not bo a dutupin
joorself into the swill barrel without no
regard whatever for jrour beat baruis.
Ilecr, Mariar," she continoocd, " get the
tongs and pull Hiram out and scrape him
off with a chip."
I was jerked out pooty lively, when the
Conklins sot to scrape me off. Then
says the old woman :
" Ilcer, Hiram, take her, she's yourn ;
but in the futur keep out of swill barrels
and sich.
We were soon united in the holy bonds
of wedlox, and line free to admit it was
trooly the most niomcntshus event of my
checkered life. (N. B. No kcerds.) I
laid out a scries of rules with which to
govern my wife, but she bein a little de
cided in her opinyuns, thru obstikles in
my way, resemblin broomsticks, &c, wich
caused me to abandon tho rules.
But I defy any man, or strong minded
woman, standin, to rise and git up nnd
say that Mariar haint been a good wife
and a virtuous housekeeper, daruin my
stocking and patchin my old close, like an
old ronmn muther, while watchin over
the 11 (eleven) offspriug of wich she and
I are the respected parents.
I hope the public wont consider it ea
gertism when I say honors has been show
ered onto me like hot cakes. Like one
of our many presidents, Ivo risen from
tho lowermost round of the ladder, hav
ing served successfully as a tailor, stage
driver, pound master, hog constable, skool
trustee, &., ontil my feller citizens called
onto mo to dump my eucyclopedian form
into the magisterial cheer, and my deeds
as Gusticc of the Pcece, has gone into
history hed fust along with Square Solo
mon. How troo was the sayin of H.
Ward Beecher :
" There Is occashunally a time,
With a tied man,
Which if taken by the horns,
Will lead him, if he keppa his head level,
To nobody nose where 1"
Hiram Green. Esq.,
Late Gustice of tho Peace.
How to bo Handsome.
MOST people like to be handsome.
Nobody denies the great power any
person may have who has a good face,
and who attracts you by good looks even
before a word has been spoken. And we
see all sorts of devices in men and wo
men to improve their good looks paints
and washes, and all kinds of cosmetics,
including a plentiful annointing with dir
ty hair oil.
Now not every one can have good feat
ures. They are as God made them; but
almost any one can look well especially,
with good health. It is hard to give rules
in such a short space, but in brief these
will do.
Keep clean wash freely and univer
sally with cold water. All the skin wants
is leave to act freely, and it will take care
of itself. Its thousands of air holes must
not be plugged up.
Eat regularly and simply. The stom
ach can no more work all tho time, night
and day, than a horse ; it must havo reg
ular work and regular rest.
Good teeth are a help to good looks.
Brush them with a soft brush, especially
at night. Go to bed with clean teeth
Of course, to havo white teeth, it is'need
ful to let tobacco alone. Any powder or
wash for tho teeth should bo very simple.
Acids may whiten the teeth, but they take
off the enamel or injure it.
Sleep in a cool room, in pure air. No
one can have a clean skin who breathes
bad air. But more than all, in order to
look well wake up the mind and soul.
When the mind is awake, the dull,
sleepy look passes away from the eyes. I
do not know that the brain expands but
it seems to. Think, read not trashy
novels, but books that have something in
them. Talk with people who know sonic
thing; hear lectures and learn by them.
This is one of the effects of good
preaching. A man thinks and works,
and tells us the result. And if we listen,
and hear, and understand, the mind and
soul are worked. If tho spiritual nature
is aroused so much the better. We have
a plain face really glorified by tho love ot
God and man which shine through it.
Let us grow handsome. Men say they
can't afford books, aud sometimes they
don't even pay for their newspaper. In
that case, it does them little good they
must feel so mean while reading it. But
men can afford what they really choose.
If all the money spent in self-indulgeneo,
in hurtful indulgence, were spent in books
and self-improvement, we could see a
change. Men would grow handsome, and
women too. The soul would shine out
through the eyes. We were not meant
to be mere animals. Let us have books,
and read them, and sermons, and heed
them.
Curious Telegraphic Mistake.
AST011Y is told of a young gentle
man residing in one of our largo
cities, who was a member of a small social
club. His most particular and intimate
friend among the members thereof was a
youth who had gained for himself the
sobriquet of " Sarah's Young Man," from
his devotion to that once popular air,
which in sonic form orother either sung,
whistled or hummed was seldom absent
from his lips. To this club our hero,
whom we will christen Mr. X , one
day fouiid himself called upon to an
nounce his approaching marriage, and his
consequent withdrawal from their circle.
After the usual congratulations had been
tendered aud accepted, and the usual lam
entations uttered, tho members decided
upon tendering to their matrimonially
disposed and seceding comrade a farewell
dinner, to take place as early as possible
after the termination of the weddiug-tour.
The marriage took place, and Mr. and
Mrs. X started on the bridal journey,
which terminated in that usual destina
tion of newly-married couples Niagara
Falls. Mrs. X was the most affec
tionate and charming of brides, and her
husband was, of course, tho happiest of
men. The period of their stay at the
Falls was nearly ended, when one day
Mr. X , on returning to his room
after a short absence, was astonished to
find his wife in a state in which indigna
tion and hysterics were struggling for the
mastery. She assailed him with a torrent
of reproaches. lie was a wretch a vil
lain ; she was a miserable, ill-used,
wretched woman. She would leave him;
she would go home to her mother! And
here hysterics got the upper hand, and
she burst into a passion of tears.
" What is tho matter ?" the amazed
husband at last found breath to ejaculate.
" Head, sir read !" sobbed the poor
little bride, pushing toward him an open
yellow envelope. " I thought there might
be bad news from home, and I opened it;
and oh oh oh " Here she broke
down again, and Mr. X unfolded
the important document which had pro
duced such startling effects, in a state of
utter bewilderment. It was a telgram,
and it ran as follows :
"Our spree Is fixed for the 20th. Don't forget
We will have a glorious time.
"Yours ever,
"SAKAH S. YOUNGMAN."
" There.sir!" cried Mrs. X . "How
can you ever dare to look me in the face
again? Who is this Sarah Youngman ?
and what do you mean by promising to go
on a spree with her? and you just mar
ried too! You arc a wicked "
Here a shout of laughter from Mr. X.
interrupted tho flow of his wife's elo
quence. He had been stat ing blankly at
the dispatch, and suddenly the whole af
fair flashed across his mind. The tele
gram was in reference to the promised
dinncr,whichhis facetious friend had been
entrusted with the forwarding of, and
he had signed tho dispatch " Sarah's
Young Man" a signature which the tel
egraph operators had seen fit, intention
ally or otherwise, to alter to Sarah S.
Youngman. As soon as his irrepressible
laughter would allow him to speak, ho
explained tho mistake to his wondering
and indignant wife, who, however, being
a sensible littlo woman, was speedily ap
peased, and joined in tho laugh, and to
day numbers Sarah S. Youngman among
her most warmly welcomed visitors.
Novel use for Cats.
The clever French missionary IIuo,
who, with his companion Cabct, first gave
us an intelligent account of life in tho in
terior of the Flowery Kingdom, was not
a little surprised, and quite incredulous
at first, when his Chinese friends told him
that cats were their watches, and enabled
them to tell, with unerring accuracy, the
hour of tho day. He learned' however
by careful observation, that this was really
so : for he noticed that the pupil of every
cat ho saw, though wide open in the early
morning, would gradually contract as the
sun rose; at noon a perpendicular line of
extreme delicacy would bo all that was
left to be seen, and then tho pupil would
dilate again, to return to its natural size
by sunset. And when poor Fussy has
served her time as a dial, she is served
up herself not in disguise, as in French
restaurants, but boldly and boastingly.
In many a lowly house in town, and in
almost every farm-house in the country,
a number of cats aro seen fastened to
chains for tho purpose of fattening them:
and in the market-houses they hang in
long rows, exhibiting their snowy white
ness, and withjheads and tails carefully
left untouched, to testify to their genuineness.
Discovery of Treasure.
A PAPER published in Natchez, tells
the following :
Many of our readers will no doubt ro
member the great exeitcliient which exis
ted about a year ago in this vicinity, caus
ed by the assertion of an old negro sorce
ress that a quant ity of tho treasure of the
once celebrated Captain Kidd was buried
a short distance from the National Ceme
tery, near what is familiarly known as the
" Devil's Punch Bowl." Quite a number
of our colored citizens, believing tho sto
ries of this old woman, engaged in the
work of digging for the hidden treasure
in a spot which, by the aid of the black
art, she had pronounced it to be buried.
They progressed in their labor for a
number of weeks, without success, and
finally gave up in despair, a heavy rain
having discommoded theni to a discour
aging extent. Time pased on, and the
event has perhaps escaped the minds of
nearly all to whom the mysterious affair
was cognizant, and but for the event
which we are about to chronicle, would
perhaps have never disturbed their brains
again. However, wc will on to our story
which is really as strange as it is true.
Shortly alter a heavy storm, a few weeks
ago, a couple of negro boys, while hunt
ing In the vicinity of the excavations
made by the disconifitted treasure seekers
of one year since, chanced to find a dingy
and rusty old square box, which was so
bound about with metal as to almost re
semble an iron box. It was with difficul
ty that the two combined could move it,
and to carry it was out of the question.
While one of them remained near this
queer-looking old box, tho other went
home for his father. The father, his
wife and another colored mau, repaired to
the spot and remembering the old sorce
ress' tale, at once concluded that they had
found at least a portion of the treasure.
Events have proved that they were not
amiss in their conjectures. But they
moved very cautiously in the matter, lest
they should be discovered, aud so under
the cover of night the box was removed to
their littlo cottage. Up to the early part
of this week they confided their secret to
no liviug person, but a serious affair hav
ing occurred between the boys, the matter
being at first but vaguely hinted at
came to the ears of our reporter. He re
paired to the house on Wednesday night
for the purpose of examing the treasure
found.
Tho box in which it was found is about
three feet long by two feet wide, evident
ly made of a species of cedar, and is firm
ly bound by strips of iron, running
around laterally and diagonally, aud fast
ened with long nails, clinched inside.
The treasure consists principally of an
cicut Spanish gold and silver coin, dated
from 1450 up to 1530, and it is adjudged
that there is at least 30,000 worth of
them. Besides tho coin there are several
gold buckles and various other articles,
seemingly to have been worn as orna
ments. A great number of silver orna
ments were in the box, which it appeared
wore used as some part of their sword
trappings.
It is impossible to tell what metal any
of tho coius or ornaments aro composed
of by their looks, for all havo a mouldy,
green appearance, fully attesting to .the
lapse of timo since they were buried. A
little golden cross, with the image of our
Saviour, establishes the religion of the
people who buried the treasure, and from
tho dates on the various coins it is believ
ed that tho treasure thus unearthed at
this late day was buried by none other
than the late Hernando Do Soto and his
followers, about tho year 1640, as it is
well known that the discoverer of tho
mighty Mississippi was in this vicinity
about that time, and also that ho was se
riously troubled by the hostile Indians.
A piece of parchment found in the box
was so old and musty that no characters
could be discerned upon it. As a whole,
the discovery of this long hidden treasure
forms no inconsiderable event in our
history, and will throw a new light upon
tho adventures of tho hardy Spaniards
who frcqueuted the spot where now
stands our beautiful city, centuries ago.
A number of individuals havo visited
tho hut; and examined the coins, and all
agrco with the views of tho writsr as to
whom tho treasure was buried by.
&&" The deepest penetration man has
yet made into the crust of the earth, is
about five thousand feet. It is fou.id
that the temperature increases as we go
down, at the rate of botween one and two
degrees for every hundred feet. If
this rate holds good, forty miles bolow
tho surfaco the earth must all bo a mol
ten mass.
Clinching a Bargain.
RATHER a cute Irishman, named
Pat Mulrooncy, had a kicking horse
which he wanted to get rid of, but
found very difficult. At last he entered
him at llerkness' Bazaar, and warranted
him sound and kind, und free from tho
kicks. On the day of sale, Mr. llerkness
pointed out the good qualities of the ani
mal, and he was sold for one hundred
und seventy-five dollars. Pat was afraid
the horse would show his bad qualities
before tho money was p.iid, so he wanted
to hurry up the bargain, and the way he
did it was : IIewent to the purchaser
and said
" You can't have that horse sur."
"Why not? Didu't I buy him?''
said the purchaser.
" Yes you bought him," said Pat,
" but I've been offered more money for
him, and you can't havo him, besides he
bites."
" I don't care for that" said the buyer,
" But ho kicks like the divil," said
Pat, " and he'll smash any thing you'll
hitch him to."
" Well I'm a going to pay for him now,
and take the risk," said the buyer, " and
if he kicks, I'll never call on you to take
him back."
The fellow took the horse home, and
as soon as he attempted to put him to a
wagon, he smashed it all to pieces. It
was too late now to complain. Pat told
him that tho horse kicked, and llerkness
had paid over the money, so the horse was
turned out to do the best he could for
himself.
liather Mixed.
A Judge who was examining an Irish
witness in a case of assault and battery,
was rather troubled by his mixing the
personal pronouns in such a manner.
Said the witness ;
" There was Mike and the dog there,
yer honcr so ho flew at me very sav-age-"
Judge." WTho? Mike?"
Witness. "No, the dog, yer honor.
And I says to him "
Judge." To whom ? The dog ?"
Witness. " No, Mike, your honor.
"Getaway w id yer!" and ljust hauled
off and hit him."
Judge." Hit Mike?,'
Witness. "No, the dog, yer
honor,
ana no made a rush lor inc.,
Judge. "Who ? the dog ?"
Witness. '' Mike yer honor. And I
up wid a stone and throwed it at him,
and it rolled him over aud over."
Judge " Threw a stone at Mike ?"
Witness." At the dog, yer honor.
And he got up and hit me again."
Judge." The dog ?"
Witness. "No, Mike. And wid that
he run off."
Judge. "Mike?"
Witness. No, the dog. And then he
came back, and got me down yer hon
or." J udge. " The dog came back at you ?"
Witness. "No, Mike yer honor, and
ho isn't hurt any at all."
Judge." Who isn't hurt?"
Witness. " The dog, yer honor."
Resigned.
It is certainly gratifying to know
that in , Illinois, the Young Men's
Christian Association is doing a good
work. One of its most active members
is Mr. ,a young gentleman of po
sition and means, who had done much in
aiding the poor and unfortunate. At ono
time he became quite interested in a
German family in indignent circumstan
ces. The wife was quite sick, and ho
visited her very often, doing all ho could
to prepare her mind for tho worst, if it
should come to that. lie had not seen
her for a few days when he met the
husband, and tho following conversation
took place :
" How do you do, Mr. ?" How
is your wife?"
" Mein frau?-mein frau is dead."
" Dead ! is it possible ?" Was she re
signed ?"
" Resigned? resigned f Mcin Gott sha
had to be !"
Several young girls were amusing
themselves some timo ago with an eleo
trio battery. Emma proposed taking ono
of the poles and her friend Annie the other,
aud instead of joining hands, kiss each
other. A scream from Miss Anuie
caused tho young lady who was turning
tho wheel to stop suddenly, when Emma
exclaimed that it " felt just liko a mous
tache." Tho point is, how did tho young
lady know how a moustache feels?