(l)c imc0, New Bloomftcttr, JJcn
2
HOW I CAME TO HE MARIUED.
IT may be funny, but I've done it.
I've got a rib and a baby. I'll just
tell you how T got caught. I was always
the darndest, most bashful fellow you ev
er did see; it was kinder in my line to be
taken with the shakes every time L saw a
pretty gal approaching, and I'd cross the
street any time rather than i'aec one;
It wasn't because I didn't like the critters
for it' I wasbehind a fence, looking thro'
a knot-hola, I could not look long enough.
Well, my sister Lib gave a party one
night, and I started away from home be
cause I was too bashful to face the music.
I hung around the house whistling " Old
Dan Tucker," dancing to keep my feet
warm, watching the heads bobbing up
and down behind the window curtains,
and wishing the thundering party would
break up, so I could get to my room. I
smoked up a bunch of cigars and it was
KCtting late and mighty uncomfortable.
I concluded to shin up the door-post. No
Sooner said than done, and I soon i'ouud
myself snug iu bed.
" Now," says I, " let her rip ! Dance
till your wind gives out." And cuddling
down uudcr the quilts, Morpheus grubbed
me."
I was dreaming of soft-shell crabs and
steved tripe, and having a good time,
when some body knocked at the door and
woke me up. " Rap" again. I laid low.
"Rap, rap, rap !" Then I heard whis
pering, and I knew there was a wholo raft
of gals outside. Then Lib sings out :
" Jack, arc you there V"
" Yes," says I.
Then came a roar of laughter.
" Let us in," said she.
" I won't," said I ; " can't you let a fel
low alone?"
" Are you abed '!" says she.
"I am," says I.
" Get out," says she.
" I won't" says I.
Then eainc another laugh.
By thunder ! I began to get riled.
" Get out, you pctticoated scarecrows !"
eried I. " Can't you you get a beau with
out hauling a fellow out of bed ? I won't
go home with one of you I won't, so
you may clear out !"
And throwing a boot at the door, I felt
better. Hut presently I heard a still,
small voice, very much like sister Lib's,
aud it said :
" Jack, you'll have to get
the girls' things are there."
up,
for all
Oh, mercy ! what a pickle! Think of
me, in bed, all covered with muffs, shawls,
bonnets and cloaks, and twenty girls out
side the door, waiting to get iu ! If I
had stopped to think I would have faint
ed on the spot. As it was, I rolled
out among the bonnet ware and ribbons
in a hurry. Smash went millinery iu
very direction. I had to dress in the
dark for there was a crack in the door,
and the girls will peep and the way I
fumbled about was death ou straw hats.
The critical moment came. I opened the
door and found myself among the wo
men. " 0, my leghorn !" cried one. " My
dear, darling winter velvet !" cried anoth
er; and they pitched in pulled me this
way, and that, boxed my ears, and one
bright-eyed little piece Sal, her name
was put her arms right around my neck,
and kissed me on the lips. Human na
ture couldn't stand that, and I gave her
one as good as she sent. It was the first
time I ever got the taste, and it was pow
erful good. I believe I could have kissed
that gal from Julius Caesar to the Fourth
of July.
"Jack," said she, "we are sorry to dis
turb you, but won't yon see me home V"
" Yes, I will," said I.
I did do it, and had another smack at
the gate.
After that we took a kinder turtledove
after each other, both of as sighing like
a barrel of new cider when wo were away
from each other.
'Twas at tho close of a glorious sum
mer day, the sun was setting behind a
distant hen-roost, the bull-frogs were com
mencing their evening songs, and polly
wogs, in their native mud-puddles, were
preparing themselves for the .shades of
night, and Sal and myself sat upon anti
quated back-log, listening to tho music of
nature, such as tree-toads, roosters and
grunting pig3 ; and now and then tho
inusio of a jackass was wafted to our ears
by tho gentle zephors that sighed among
the mullen stalks, and heavily laden with
the delicious odors of hen-roosts and pig
styes. The last lingering raya of the set
ting sun glancing from tho buttons of a
solitary horseman, shone through a knot
hole in a hog-pen, full in Sal's faco, dye
ing her hair an orange peel hue, showing
off my thread-bare coat to a bad advan
tage ; one of my arms was around Sal's
waist, my hand resting on the small of
her back; she was toying with my auburn
locks of jet black hue : she was almost
gone, aud I was almost ditto. She look
ed like a grass-hopper dying with the
hiccups, and I felt like a mud-turtle chok
ed with a cod-fish ball.
"Sal," says I, in a voice as musical as
the notes of a dying swan, " will you
have me V"
The raised her eyes heavenward, and
clasped me by the hand, had an attack of
the heaves and blind staggers, and with
a sigh that drew her shoe-strings to her
palate, said : " Yes."
Well, to make a long story short, she set
the day, and we practiced for four weeks,
every night how we would enter the room
to be married till we got so we could walk
as gracefully as a pair of Muscovey ducks.
The night, the company, aud the minister
came, the signal was given, and arm in
arm we went through the hall. We was
just entering the parlor door, when down
came kerslap ou the oil-cloth, pulling
Sal after me. Some fellow had dropped
a banana skin on the floor, and it floored
me. It split an awful hole in my eassi
meres, right under my coat-tail. It was
too late to back out ; so clasping my hand
over it, we marched in and were spliced,
and taking a scat, I watched the kissing
the bride operation. My groomsman was
tight, and he kissed her till I jumped up
to take a slice, when, oh, horror ! a little
six year old imp had crawled behind me
aud pulled my shirt through my pants,
and pinned it to a chair, so that when 1
jumped up I displayed to tho astonished
multitude a trifle more white muslin than
was pleasant. The women giggled, the
men roared, and I got mad, but was fin
ally put to bed, aud there my troubles
ended. Good-night.
Badgering a Voter.
6 6 "V0U'KK a 1i0,nim Catllollc ?"
JL '.' Am I?" said the fellow.
" Are you not V" demanded the agent.
" You say I am," was the answer.
" Come, sir, answer. What's your re
ligion V"
" The true religion."
" "What religion is that?"
" My religion."
" And what s your religion :
" My mother's religion."
" And what's your mother's religion V"
" She tuk whisky in her tay."
" Come, now, I'll find you out cun
ning as you are," said the agent, piqued
into an encounter of wit with this fellow,
whose baflling of every question pleased
the crowd : " You bless yourself, dou't
you
V"
" When I'm done with you, I think I
ought."
" What place- of worship do you go
to?"
. " The most convainyant."
" But of what persuasion arc you of?"
" My persuasion is that you won't find
it out."
" What is your belief?"
" My belief is that you are puzzled,"
" Do you confess."
" Not to you."
" Come, now I have you. 'Who
you send for if you were likely to
WOllld
die V"
"Dr.Crowliu."
" Not for tho priest ?"
" I must first get a messenger."
" Confound your quibbling ? Tell me
then, what your opinions are your con
scientious opinions, I mean?"
: They are the same as my landlord's."
" And what are your landlord's opin
ions V"
" Faix ! his opinions are that I won't
pay him the last half year's rent, and I
am of the same opinion myself."
A roar of laughter followed this an
swer, and dumbfounded the agent for
a time, but, angered at the successful
quibbling of of the sturdy and wily fel
low before him he at last declared, with
much severity of manner, that ho must
have a direct reply.
" I insist, sir, on your answering at
once, are you a lloinan Catholic ?"
" I am," said tho fellow."
" And could you not have said so at
once?" demanded the officer.
" You never axed me," returned the
other.
" I did !" said the officer.
"Indade you didn't. You said I wa
a great many things, but you uever axed
me you was drivin' cross words and
erooked questions at me, aud I gavo an
swers to match them ; for sure I thought
it was manners to cut out my behavior
on your own pattern."
A love that is never reciprocated
Neuralgic affection,
Gratified Curiosity.
A WELL known citizen of Hartford,
Ct., a few days ago, had taken his
seat iu the afternoon train for Providence,
when a small weazcncd-faced,elderly-nian,
having the appearance of a well-to-do-farmer,
came into the car looking for a
scat. The gentleman good-naturedly
made room for him by his side, aud the
old man looked him over from head to
foot.
"Going to Providence?" he said at
length.
" No, sir," the stranger answered, po
litely ; " 1 stop at Andover."
" I want to know ! I belong out that
way myself . Expect to stay long V"
' Only over niglit sir.
" Did you calc late to
tavern V"
"No, sir; I expect to
put up at the
stop with
Mr.
Skinner.
" What, Job Skinner's? Deacon Job
lives in a little brown house on the old
pike V Or mebbe it's his brother's? was it
Tim Skinner's Spuarc Tim's where
you was goin'?"
"Yes," said tho gentleman, smiling;
" it waa Squire Tim's."
" Dew tell if you are goin' there to
stop over night! Any connection o'
his'n V"
" No, sir."
" Well, now, that's cuius ! The old
man ain't got into any trouble nor noth
ing, has he?" lowering his voice; "ain't
goin' to serve a writ onto him, be ye?"
"Oh. no, nothing of that kind."
"Glad on't. No harm in askin', I
suppose. I reckon Miss Skinner's some
connection of yourn?"
" No," said the gentleman ; then seeing
the amused expression on the face of two
or three acquaintance in the neighboring
seats, he added, in a confidential tone :
" I am going to see Squire Skiuner's
daughter."
' Law sakes !" said tho old man' his
face quivering with curiosity, " That's it,
is it? I wautknow V Goin' to sec Mirandy
Skinner, be ye ? well, Miraudy's a nice
gal kinder liombly, and long favored,
but smart to work, they say, aud I guess
you're about the right age for her, too.
Kep' company together long V"
" I never saw her in my life, sir"
" How you talk? Somebody's gin her a
recommend, I s'pose, and you're goin'
clear out there to take a squint at her ?
wa'al I must say there's as likely gals in
Andover as Mirandy Skinner. I've got
a family of growed up darters myself.
Never was married afore, was ye ? Don't
see no weed on your hat."
"I have been married about fifteen
years, sir. I have a wife and five chil
dren." And then, as the long-restrained
mirth of the listeners to this dialogue burst
forth at the old man's open-mouthed
astonishment, he hastened to explain : "I
am a doctor, my good friend, and Squire
Skinner called at my office this morning
to request my professional services for his
sick daughter."
" Wa'al now !" And the old man wad
dled off into the next ear.
Curious Coincidence.
Of the first seven Presidents of the
United States, all but one were sixty-six
years old ou leaving office, having served
two terms, and one of those who served
but one term would have been sixty-six
years of age at tho end of another term.
Three of the seven died on the Fourth of
July, and two of them on the same day
and year. Two were ou tho sub-cominit-tce
of three that drafted the Declaration
j of Independence, and these two died on
the same day and year, on the aniversary
of the Declaration of Independence, and
just half a century from the day of the
Declaration.
Thomos Jefferson and John Adams
both died on the 4th of July, 1820.
John Adams died iu his 91st year, and
was eight years older then Thomas Jeffer
sou. Thomas Jefferson was eight years
older thau James Madison ; James Madi
son was eight years older than James
Monroe; James Monroe was eight years
older than John Quincy Adams. Tho
first five of our presidents all Revolu
tionary men ended their terms of ser
vice iu the OUth year of their ago.
Washington, born, February 22, 1732;
inaugurated 1789 ; term of service ex
pired iu the CUth year of his age. John
Adams, born October 19, 1735; inaugu
rated 1797 ; term of service- expired in
the OGth year of his ago. Thomas Jef
ferson, born April 21, 17-13; inaugura
ted 1801 ; term expired in the CUth year
of his age. James Monroe, born April
2, 1759; inaugurated 1817; term of
service expired in the G6th year of his
age.
A Glance nt Japan.
A GLIMPSE of the humanity of Ja
pan is seen in the following from a
recent letter writer :
" The better class are a fine bold set
of men. Like knights of old, they are
ever ready to avenge a wrong, or even
to provoke a quarrel; and with their
terrible two-handed swords would be
anything but contemptible antagonists
in hand to hand fighting. Their man
ners are polished in the extreme. As
a rule they arc exceedingly good-natured,
and have a keen sense of the ridicu
lous rather too much so ; for we be
lieve that if the most dutiful son, pos
sessed of the greatest filial piety, were
to see his father dying, he could not re
press a laugh if the old gentleman were
to do so in. at all a comical way. The
Japanese ladies are almost as fair-skin
ned as their sisters of the est. Small
but neatly nay, sometimes faultlessly
shaped ; their flowing robes displaying
its own gracefulness the model that na
ture has adopted, and which none of
the meretricious deceptions of civiliza
tion can improve upon ; with pretty cap
tivating manners, and a language musi
cal and soft as Italian, the laughter
loving nymphs of the Rising Suu have
many powerful charms. No- one wi.o
has been iu Japan will deny their claim
to beauty.
As I was about t pass my first
night in a Japanese house, I watched
anxiously the preparations for sleeping.
These were simple enough ; a mattress
in the form of a very thick quilt about
seven feet long by four wide, was spread
on the floor; and over it was spread an
ample robe, very long and heavily pad
ded, and provided with very large sleeves.
Having put on this niglit dress, the
sleeper covers himself with another quilt,
and sleeps, as if he had some year's
experience iu the use of a bed. But
the most remarkable feature about a
Japanese bed is the pillow. This is a
wooden box about four inches high, eight
inches long and two inches wide at the
top. It has a cushion of folded papers
on tho upper side to rest the neck on,
for the elaborate manner of dressing the
hair does not permit Japanese, especial
ly the woman, to press the head on the
pillow. Every morning the uppermost
paper is taken off from the cushion,
thus exposing a clean surface, without
the expense or trouble of washing.
Xon-Coiumittnl.
Captain Ward, of Portsmouth, was an
eccentric of the first water, and one of
his peculiarities was that he never gave a
desired answer to a direct question.
An amusing instance of this evasive
habit is related.
One morning, four of his friends, who
were aware of this trait in his character,
observed the captain going to market,
and after some bantering, entered into a
bet as to the practicability of learning
from him the price he paid for his pur
chase. They accordingly settled tho prelimi
naries, and stationing themselves at dif
ferent points along a street which he
must pass on his way home, awaited his
coining.
Very soon the bluff old gentleman
made his appearance, with several pigeons
in his hand. As he approached, the
first questioner'accosted him with :
'Good morning, captain! What did
you give for pigeons V"
Money said the captain, bluntly, as he
up the street.
The second geutleman, a little farther
on addressed him and asked :
" Ilow goes pigeons this morning
captain V"
" They don't go at all ; I carry 'cm !"
was the equally unsatisfactory rc-
riy.
Shortly after he met the third, who
asked the time of day and inquired :
" How much aro pigeons a dozen
captain ?"
" Didn't get a dozen only bought
half a dozen " said the old gentleman,
still plodding on his way.
Finally, tho fourth and last of the
conspirators cottoned to tho wary;old salt
by observing, in tho blandest tones :
" A fine lot of pigeons you have there
captain ! what did you get them for V"
"To eat," was the pertinent and em-
Jihatio rejoinder, and the captain reached
mme without further molestation.
fiQy Rkvent Truly. The difference
between true and false repentance is as
great as that between tho running of
water in the paths after a violent shower
and the streams which flow forth from a
living fountain. Venn
Iloniton I.acc.
T
THE beautiful point lace made at Ilon-
lt.m, in Devonshire, England, lias
long been famous, but its manufacture is
not now confined to the town from which
it takes its name, but extends over a great
part of the country, and especially ulong
the eastern and n part of the southern
coast. In the early part of the present
century, tho laoe manufacturers of llnni
ton employed- about two thousand live
hundred women ami children in the town
and neighboring villages. But the intro
duction of the bobinet machinery, about
fifty or sixty years ago, greatly injured
the trade, though the number of persons
employed in lace making iu the wholo
country is still estimated at from seven to
eight thousand. It is a kind of house
hold, manufacture, carried on in the cotta
ges of tho poor aud not in large factories.
Iloniton lace i3 produced by fixing a
" pricking." viz., a perforated pattern of
card board, or parchment upon a cushion
called a " pillow." Pins are then insert
ed into the perforations of tho pattern ;
next we have a number of little bobbins.
or spmuies, tecuuicaiiy "i ticks. upon
which is wound the fine thread for mak
ing the woik. These arc thrown under
and over one another among the pins,
iu various directions, so as to twist or in
terweave the requisite pattern. This is a
brief description of the process ; more
minute details would only confuse, with
out making the matter more intelligible.
Iloniton laco has lately obtained a new
celebrity in England, having boon much
used by her present Majesty, and the va
rious members of the royal family, and
by leaders of fashion in dress.
Hair-Dressing in Old Times.
the beginning of tho
eighteenth
was made
century, a crcat change
in the style of dress'ini' ladies' hair. At
first the change was slight. The hair was
simply raised over a cushion seven or
eight inches in height, and shaped like a
eocoanut. After a while, this headdress
began to rise higher and higher. All
sorts of objects were sought to be imita
ted in coiffures, llcee we see a lady with
her hair dressed upright in the form of a
lyre. Another has hers arranged like a
string of cherries on a stick. A third la
dy luxuriates kn a huge mass rolled over
pads, surmounted by a double fan of lace
and artificial flowers. These heads were
uresseu over solid cushions. An im
mense deal of false hair was used, and
the mass cemented with a hard pomade
of hog's lard and marrow, liberally used.
After dressing, the whole was well pow
dered. As these chevclures took a long
time, and were costly to arrange, it was
not considered possible to remake them
often; therefore one dressing usually suf
ficed for at least a month. Previously to
any grand ball, ladies' heads were often
dressed a week, and even a fortnight in
advance. To have it dressed a night or
two before was nothing. The lady sat
up and slept in a chair in the interval,
full of terror, lest during her fitful slum
bers, she should damage her coiffure.
Paint and washes were in vogue. The
fashion of wearing hair-powder was in
troduced to conceal tho grayness of a cer
tain high personage, whose name has not
descended to us.
From this we can judge to what pitch
the present absurd style may be carried
before we come back to the plain style of
a few years since.
Rather Fast.
" I started one day with
greys and a load of corn
my spun
to drive
of
to
Jackson, nine miles, to market, brought
back twelve bags of meal aud a barrel of
Hour. Well, j ust ns I got cleverly shut
of the town, and had about eight miles
of prairie 'twixt mo and Hannah.
I heard a rattling noise behind me, and
when I looked around there was a boun
cing hail-storm right upon me. I yelled
at the greys and flung my chaw of tobacco
at Billy, for ho was the laziest and wo
swuug along at what you Yankees call a
good Hiram Woodruff pace.
I never quit yelliug aud they never
stopped running till we struck Felderkiu's
Corner right where you blazed that big
burr oak this morning. Then I found tho
storm was over, and when I looked up to
see if tho load was safe, there was two
bushels and a half of hailstones in tho
hind end of my wagon, but not one of
'em on my sacks or me ! Gentlemen, I
had raced the edge of that hailstorm all
those eight miles homo. Now, it's my
opinion that you couldn't do that little
trick to-day with any two horsos in Illi
nois, not if you soak their tails in tur
pentine ihe night before and touch a
match to them just as you say, " Git out
of this !"