2
l)c imc0, New Bloomftcft, Pa
among tliern, with Mr. Grey, who had
been spending his Christmas at Thorn
bury. She looked pale, and my heart
, smote nic for my base, treacherous, insane
suspicions of her. Sho neither glanced
at ire nor spoke to me, and when .my
father invited all the relatives and Mr.
Snapo to go on intot.hu house, she passed
me, as I stood humbly at the door, with
averted eyes and a high dignified carriage.
As both Grey and Snapo were present,
it was unanimously agreed that the will
should bo opened and read upon the spot.
Several persons, with no immediate inter
est iu it, had made their way into our
drawing-room, aud as nobody seemed
inclined to turn them out, I also remained,
standing against the fireplace, and watch
ing steadfastly for some glance from
Katie's eyes.
Mr. Snapo opened the will sharply,
and started oil' at reading it, with none of
his professional deliberation aud delay,
but as if he was as eager to get at its
contents as any person present. It was
a short document, and did nut take many
.minutes' toget through at the pace he read
it. The property was worth about
70,UOO, thirty thousand of which were
left in legacies to old Lawrence's brothers
and sister, and the residue bequeathed to
the testator's beloved niece, Catherine
Lawrence, on the sole condition that she
married Henry Clancy, the son of his old
friend George Slaney, postmaster of
Thornbury. If otherwise, it was to be
divided equally among his brothers aud
.sister.
All that followed may easily be guessed.
I had to make a thousand protestations of
love, and implore Katie again to consent
to be my wife, a thing which we had
both taken for grautod years before old
Lawrence's will was lost in the Postofiice.
My situation remained my owu, until she
relented, which she did not do until
by my father's advice I confessed to her
the reasons which had caused my change
of manner towards her, ths painful
.suspicious which had thrust themselves
upon me, aud the bitter sorrow they had
produced. We were married at last, to
the concealed disappointment aud chagrin
of her affectionate relatives; and I ceased
to be among the number of I'ostoihco
-clerks.
Slightly Mixed.
A witness in a trial at Liverpool, be
fore Mr. Justice Martin, persisted in tell
ing what.other people said, and interlard
ed his testimony so often with " said 1"
and " said he." that the counsel was. ut
ierly bewildered. The Court attempted
ito set him right.
" My good man, tell us exactly what
happened."
"Yes, my lord, certainly. I said I
should not have the pig."
" Well, what was his answer?"
" lie said that he had been keeping
the pig for me, aud that he "
" No, no, he did not say that he could
not have said it; he spoke iu the first
person."
" 1 was the first person that spoke, my
lord."
" I mean this don't bring in the third
person; repeat his exact words."
" There was uo third persou, my lord ;
only him and me."
" Look here, my good fellow, he did
mot say he had been keeping the pig; he
;said, i I havo been keeping it.' "
" I asviire you, my lord, there was uo
mention of your lordship at all. W e are
on two different stories, my lord. There
was no thirl person, my lord, and if any
ihing had been said about your lordship,
I must havo heard it."
Josh Billings oil l'leas.
The smallest animal- oT the brute
creation, and the most pesky, iz too jloas.
They are about the bigness uv an union
seed and shine like a bran new shot.
They spring from low places, aud can
bito wus thau the muskcto, for they bite
onarun; oue flea will go aul over a
man's suberbs in '1 minutes.
It is impossible to do anything with a
flea uuless you quit bizness ov r.ul kinds
and hunt for the flea, and when you havo
found him, ho ain't there. This is one of
the flea mysteries, the fakulty they have
of being entirely lost just as you have
found them.
I don't suppose there is ever killed,, on
an average, during enny year, more
thau 10 fieas iu the whole ov the United
States ov America, unless, there is a
casualty of some kind like whea a dog
gits drowned sudden.
They are about az hard to till az a
Jlax seed iz, aud if you don't mash them
as fine as ground pepper they will start
bizness ou smaller kapital jist as before.
A Green Bride and Groom on Their
Wedding Trip.
milE TRAIN for .Parkersburg, under
JL charge of Captain Scott, recently
stopped at a way station to take on Jcems
Walker and his wife, Lize, a newly mar
ried couple.
Poth were young and both were ver
dant; having been raised iu the wilds of
Western Virginia, neither of them had
ever been fifty miles nway from home.
They had heard of locomotives, steam
boats and hotels, but they never experi
enced the comforts of any of the afore
mentioned institutions. Jcems and Lize
had determined on this, the most import
ant event, of their lives, to visit the city
and sec the world, particularly that part
of it known as Parkersburg. No wonder
that they were amazed and delighted
when the . locomotive, steaming and pul
ling, with the train of beautiful crimson
cars following it, came to sight.
" These your trunks ?" said the bag
gage master.
' Well, I sorter calkilatc them's 'cm,"
said Jcems.
The trunks were soon in the baggage
car, followed by Lizo and .Teems.
'I'll be darned ef a railroad aiirt a line
thing," said Jcems, seating himself on
his luggage and carefully holding the
tails up of his tight-bodied blue, adorned
with resplendent metal buttons, out of
the dust. 1 Lize set up here by me.'
" Come out of that," said the baggage
man, "3-011 arc iu the wrong ear."
' The dickens, I am ! D'ye suppose I
don't know what I am about ? These is
my trap-i, and I calkilale to stay where
they are. Keep quiet Lize ; they say
we vc got to light our way through any
how, aud if that chap with tho cap 011
wants anything, why I'm his man. Pon't
want any of your foolin' around me 1"
Here the captain interposed and ex
plained matters, insomuch that Jeeins
consented to leave his traps and follow
the captain. What was his delight
when he .surveyed the magnificence of the
first class passenger car into which he
was ushered! His imagination had never,
in its wildest flights, pictured anything
half so gorgeous. lie was aroused from
the contemplation of the splendor around
him by the shriek of the iron horse.'
" Jeewhillikins ! what in thunder is
that ?" exclaimed Jcems.
" That's the horse squealing when
they punch him iu the ribs with a pitch
fork, to make him go along!" said a
sleepy-looking individual just behind him.
" Look here, stranger," said Jcems, "I
allow you think I'm a darned fool; maybe
I am, but there's some things 1 know,
aud one of them is, you'll get your
mouth broke ef ye don't keep it shet.
Just at this moment they fouud them
selves iu Egyptian darkness, and then we
heard a scream, almost oiiual to that of
the engine, from Lize, as she threw her
arms around the neck of Jcems.
" I knew it ! I knew it!" exclaimed the
sleepy-looking individual! " we're all lost,
every mother's son of us. We can jut
prepare now to make the acquaintance of
the gentlemen iu black, who tends the
big lire below.
" Oh, Lord ! Jcems, wdiat will become
of us? I felt skeery about gettiu' ou the
outlandish thing at fust."
" Keep quiet, Lize ! hollering won't do
any good now. Ef you know any prayer
uow'syour time to say it for both of us."
What's the matter here ?" said tho
astonished conductor, coming upas the
train emerged once more into the light.
" Tlifit'a liiuf. vvli it IM tfl know
said Jeenis, when he saw that Lizo and
himself were still alive.
" Wn'vn tiKt rt'iuuml thvnno-li V.'i Inn's
..W.UJU. 1,,.Jw.. -0 .......
tunnel," replied our polite captain. " How
far are you going?"
"Wall,rcckon wo'll stop at Parksburg."
" Show your tickets, if you please."
" Certainly ; Lize, you got some with
you? Let this gent look at 'em."
Lize drew a peico of white paper from
her reticule, and with a smile handed it
to our friend, who read :
The pleasure or youit company is
RESPECTFULLY SOLICITED."
" What's that? said the captain.
"Why' that's one of tho tickets to
our weddin," that's what you 'asked for,
haintit?" said tho somewhat surprised
Jeeins.
" Haw ! haw ! haw !" was the discordant
sound that arose from tho seat of tho
sleepy-looking man.
A bland smile passed over the faco of
tho captain as he explained his meauing
to our verdant fricud.
Ho had no ticket, but willingly paid
his faro, and the train sped on toward its
destination.
In due time the train stopped at tho
big depot in this city. Amid the con
fusion of strange noises' and ' babel of
discordant voices, our friends landed on
the platform.
Puss, s;ih ? Buss, pah ? free for dc
United Statits !" said the sable porter of
our up-town house.
" Lady take a buss, pah ?"
" Wall, ! s'pose she wont from any!
but me reckon 1 111 able to do all in
that line she wants, and more too."
"Goto tho Swan House, sab? right
cross de street best house in de city.
This way, sah any baggage? Have it
sent to your room in a few minutes."
Iu a short time, Jeeins and his bride
found themselves in one of those com
fortable rooms on the second floor of that
well ordered establishment the Swan
louse. The baggage was sent up with
the usual promptness, and our friends i
were soon making their toilets for dinner.
"That's deuced party tossell," said
.Teems, eyeing the bell cord. " Wonder
what it's for ?" catching hold of it.
" Look, it works up there on some sort
of a thinguinlvob. I'd like to havo that
tossell to put on my horse's head next
muster day ; see how it works," said he,
giving it a pull.
Presently the door opened, and sable
face of one of Africa's son's was thrust
into the room, with the inquiry of " Ping,
sah?"
" Ring ! ring what? you black ape ef
you don't quit looking at my wife and
make oil', I'll ring your head off."
" Stop a' minit," said Lize. "What's
the name of the man that keeps this
tavern ?''
" Mr. Canly, Mann."
" Well, tell" his lady that she needn't
go to any extra fixing on our account, for
we're plain people," said the amiable
bride.
' As they used to say in our debatin'
society," interrupted Jeeins, I'll amend
that motion by say in,' you can tell 'em to
give us the best they have; I'm able to
pay for it and don't kcer for expenses,"
'' Tccdieo ! tec-hoc !" was the only aud
ible reply from the sable gent as ho hur
ried down stairs.
Pinner came and was dispatched with
a relish. Jeeins and his bride took a
stroll over tho city, seeing the lions and
other sights until supper time, which
being over, they retired to their room.
The gas was lit by the servant, who re
ceived a quarter for his services. Jcems
was the last in bed, and according to tho
rule in such cases, had to put out the
light, which he did from a blast from his
lungs.
T he noise In the streets had died away,
and quiet reigned iu the Swan House.
The young man on tho watch dozed iu
his chair. The clerk (rather corpulent)
was about to ictire, when he thought he
smelt gas. Some one came down stairs
and said he smelt gas. Against his will,
the clerk proceeded to find where the
leak was. It seemed stronger in the
neighborhood of tho room occupied by
the bride and groom, Tho clerk conclu
ded to knock at the door of their room.
" Who's there ?" came from within.
" Open the door, tho gas is escaping."
" Gas ! What gas ?" said Jcems open
ing the door.
" Why, here, iu tho room. How did
you put your light out?"
" Llow it out, of course." '
" You played thunder !" said the amia
ble clerk, cheeking his rising temper, and
having lit the gas proceeded to show
Jcems the mystery of its burning.
" Serious cousequeiices might havo re
sulted if it had not been discovered. It
might havo suffocated us all. Now be
careful next time." So saying, he turn
ed oil' tho gas and all wa:i dark, aud our
frieuds were all left alone iu their glory.
Only Ono Side
Tho other evening a number of young
men entered a barber's shop for the pur
pose of getting shaved. One whose in
cipient growth id' down could scarcely be
called beard, in a jocular manner in
quired of the knight of the shears:
" How much will you charge to comb
one side of my head ? that's about all
1 shall need to-night."
The laughing reply was " Fivo cents,"
whereupon the youthful individual took
his seat in tho chair.
" Which side shall I comb?" inquired
the barber.
" Tho outside if you please !"
Tho sold hair-dresser acknowledged
the corn, and proceeded to do up the
" outside" hair on his cranium (ho was a
hair-brained youth, it is presumed,) in
a manner particularly attractive and
all it cost tho young man was five cents.
A patent hobby horse is the only
amusement of Charleston, at present.
A PRACTICAL JOKE,
AND
What t ame of it.
IT) ENNY MASON had done a poor
!3 day's business. There was a dearth
of news and but little demand fr what
there was. Denny had a siek mother at
home and the whole burden of her wants
fell upon his shoulders. They were not
very stalwart; ami though he was a stout
hearted, brave little fellow, and did his
best t bear up under it, there were times,
and this was one id' them when the weight
made him stagger.
Put the lit tie newsboy had no time to
waste 111 bootless rellections ; so ho hur
ried along, crying his wares, and as he
was passing one of the fashionable up
town hotels, two young men came out.
here was
Dashing askl
1 chance, ljonny t nought,
with a manly brush the
gathering tears, he
ward and cried his
stepped briskly for
wares. One of the
young men said :
" Let me have the 110 matter which
this one will do," and ho took ono of the
papers and handed the boy a live dollar
bill.
" Put sir, I cannot change this," said
Penny.
" No matter for the change," was tho
reply, and the two friends passed on.
Penny was astounded. It had been a
long time since he had seen so much mon
ey at once.
Fire dollars'. What wouldn't it buy?
First and foremost, there were half-a-
dozen delicacies he thought of for his
mother; and then there was ihat pre
scription, and last ot all, his own supper.
Leaving Penny to make his purchases,
let us follow the young men, one ol whom
has already turned out wo much better
than we expected.
Albert Poynloii and his friend Edgar
Price were both strangers 111 the city.
It was the latter, and by 110 means more
prepossessing of the two, whose sudden
freak of generosity so completely took
Lenny by surprise.
hat place is tins ! said Jutlgar as
the two, after sauntering a considerable
tune in various directions, were passing
an ungainly looking edifice of red brick.
where a motley crowd were jostling one
another
' A police station, I think," the other
answered.
" Let's go in, Al. ; it'll probably afford
as good a chance for bight-seeing as any
wo can liuil
His friend had no objection, and they
entered
It was sonic time before they could see
what was going on. A man in a blue
coat, ornamented with a 'shield, sat be
hind a railing. In front stood a couplo
of policemen, but their prisoner, if they
had one, as they seemed to have between
them, was too diminutive to be seen over
the heads of the crowd
Come, then, what's your charge ?"
said the man behind the railing, address.
ing a red-iaced individual in a butcher's
apron
" My story's a very short un," replied
tho latter. " That 'ere boy come into
my shop and ordered a pound of the ni
cest steak I had, which he wanted for
beef tea, he .said; which I cut aud weigh
ed ; and then ho laid that ere live dollar
bill, wlucli 1 knowed it was more money
than ho had any lawful business with ;
for I knowed how precious hard up they
was him and his mother. There could
not be two ways about it it was either
a stole bill or a counterfeit, bo I jest
tells him to wait till 1 can step out and
git change, and I takes it right across to
the groceryman over tho way, and ho
hardly clapped his eyes on it when he
peruuuticcd it bogus. I then called
perlicemau and institooted pcrceedins."
" Well, and what have you got to say ?"
said the ollieer, looking down at the pris
oner. '
" indeed, sir, i uidn t Know it was
bad ; indeed I didn,t," protested a child
ish voice.
"Oh! of course not ; may bo you can
tell whero you got it I
" A gentleman bought one of my pa
pers this evening," the boy answered,
" and gave 1110 this note, and ho wouldn't
tako any change.
"A likely story a very likely story!
Why didn't you tell us you found it grow
ing ou a brush somewhere f Lock him
up, Joe, and tell him not to forget to say
111s prayers.
" Please, oh ! plcaso let 1110 go," tho lit
tle fellow pleaded, " I havo a sick mother
at homo, and
" Certainly; they all have sick moth
ers at home.
"Why, what's the matter, Price ?"
said Allen Boynton, aa tho former in a
state of visible agitation, started to make
his way through tho crowd to the front
of the railing.
" Why, that's tho little fellow we met
as we came out of the hotel."
" Well, lie seems to have gotten him
self into a scrape."
"Gotten himself into a scrape! It
was 1 that got him into it. I gave him
that bill for a paper, and made him stare
by refusing to take change. I thought it
a very good joke then ; it seems a very
stupid one now."
' 1) ur.se than stupid I should call it."
said Allen, who was thoroughly high-
principicd.
"Ot course there's but one thing I can
do," answered the latter, who was, as it
is lair to say, more thoughtless than bad,
" and that is make a clean breast of it."
And a clear breast of it lie made.
" Well, that clears the bov." said the
man behind the railing. "You can go,
Johnny, but be sure you never do so
any more."
Lenny would fain have set tho gen
tleman right in regard to his name, and
would have been glad to know what it
was he wasn't to do any more, but thought
it was best to say nothing.
' And now let us go and sec what we
can do for' Johnny' in the way of helping
him to complete his purchases," said El-
gar, anxious to make amends for the
past.
" Stop a bit, interrupted the man be
hind tho railing. " Your story has clear
ed the boy butit hasn't done quite as much
for yourself. 15y your own showing you
have knowingly passed a counterfeit bill.
You say it was a joke, but that sort, ot
joking s catching. Joe, lock the gentle
man up, please."
Joe did as he was bid.
After Allen had seen his friend more
safely than comfortably situated for the
night, turning to Penny, who had linger
ed out. of curiosity:
" What is your name, my boy ?" he in
quired. " Penny Mason, sir."
" And your father's name ?"
" My father is dead. His name was
George Mason."
An expression of vivid interest lit up
the young man's countenance.
" What was your mother's name before
she was married?" he continued.
" Mary Poynton," Penny answered.
"I am going home with you. Penny,"
said Allen, mastering with an effort, some
sudden and powerful emotion. As the
two walked along together, neither spoke.
" This is the place, sir," said Penny,
stopping in front of a dilapidated tene
ment house to the top floor of which,
after entering he proceeded to conduct
the stranger.
Knocking at the door of their little
room to give his mother notice that some
one was coming, and receiving a feeble
response from within, Penny raised the
latch and entered followed by tho stran
ger It needed but a glance, even in the dim
lamp light which faintly illuminated that,
wretched chamber, to enable the long
separated brother and sister to recognize
each other. And when they were lo. t iu
each other's embrace, and calling one an
other by name, it proved 11 matter of
much greater surprise to Penny, than the
relation of it, I trust has to the reader.
Penny is at school now, and ono of the
brightest boys there. His mother is well
aud happy again ; and Edgar Price hav
ing been " let off," with one night iu the
station house, has learned a lesson, let us
hope, that will profit him the next time
he comes to the city. A7. Y. Ledju
Odorous.
The following joke is told on a popular
conductor ou one of the railroads leading
out of the city. Poeoutly, tho conductor
entered a car to collect tho tickets. As
ho came in, ho left the door opeu. The
train was just passing the distilleries at
the time, and the smell from the hog-pens,
was anything but pleasant, as it came in
through the open door, in a manner that
was almost over powering. An old lady
sat near the end of the ear, and held her
nose iu her fingers until tho conductor
passed out and closed tho door. Then
sho turned to a gentlemen near by, and
said, " I'm orful glad that man went
out." " Why?" asked the astonished gen
tleman. " Pecause," said she, " ho was
the orfulest smelling man I ever saw I
wonder, what kind o' new-fangled grease
ho puts on his hair ?" Tho old lady had
taken tho smell that came from tho hog
pen, for some rival of night blooming
ccreus.
&2r Detectives havo been employed at
fashionable weddings in New York to
guard tho presents.