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C0TJETIW3 UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
m k. dki.acy.
OLD NANS T UK NEK and his neigh
bor Jones, had fallen out about a
piece of land, and the result was a law-suit,
which had made them such enemies that
t hey would not speak to each other, or al
low their families to hold any intercourse.
Nans had a. daughter Kate, who was
about eighteen years of age, and who John
Jones, the oldest son in the Jones family,
thought just the prettiest girl in all crea
tion. At the time the family troubles be
gan, ho was paying attention to Kate,
but then the old man forbid him the house,
and threatened Kato with dire vengeance
if she even spoke to him again. But love
was not to be conquered in any such man
ner, and in fact the opposition only seemed
to fan the flames the brighter. The result
was that John and Kato managed to meet
quite- often.
It so happened, that on one evening tho
whole family, except Kate, went away to
conic merry-making, to be gone until quite
late, when John, as in duty bound, came
over accidentally of course to keep Kato
from getting lonesome, and help her to pass
tho evening pleasantly.
That ho succeeded admirably, we may
judge, from the fact that before either of
tho lovors thought it late, tho carriage
, bringing home tho family, arrived, and tho
old man's voice was beard approaching the
door.
K-atc was terribly afraid "of her father's
anger, and for a moment, there seemed to
bo no way except to face him and brave it ;
but a woman is generally ready for an
Emergency, and Kato was a woman.
Hans and his wife slept in tho sitting
room, having a bed so fixed that during tho
day about two-thirds of its length tinned
up against the wall, where with a curtain
drawn around it, was but little iu tho way.
Kato also knew that her parents invaria
bly visited tho pantry for a bite, just before
retiring for tho night, and so without any
moro hesitation sho directed John to creep
under the head of the bed, telling him to
wlip out quietly while they were eating their
evening lunch. To pleaso Kate, John
would have done much moro than that, so
he did as she told him, with as little delay
as possible. He had hardly reached his
hiding place before tho old folks accompan
ied by the boys, entered the room. After
a few momenta of conversation, the boys
rnrt Kate went to their rooms, leaving Hans
and his wife as they supposed, in full pos
session of tho premises.
Mrs. Hans soon proceeded to turn down
tho bed and prepare it for the night, when
V"ohn from his place under tho bed, con
gratulated himself upon soon having a
vhauco to leavo ; but whether tho good
cheer furnished at the party where they had
been, took away their usual appetite or not,
is not known, but to John's horror they at
once prepared for bod, not giving him tho
expected opportunity for escape.
Ho thought, however, that he might by
keeping still until they wero asleep, yet get
away without old Hans hearing him, and
perhaps might have done it, had ho not
been troubled witli a cold. John had not
lung been under the bed until ho felt a
strong inclination to cough, which he man
aged to restrain for a time, but at last, be
foro tho old folks could possibly be asleep,
in spite of all ho could tlo, a sort of grunt
escaped him. It was a curious sound and
perhaps might have frightened even braver
people than Hans Turner, and his wife.
Every man has somo weakness, and old
Turner's weak point was a firm belief in
ghosts and goblins, and consequently ho at
once gavo tho credit of the singular sound
to somo supernatural cause. His hair bris
tled with terror and he hardly had strength
to whisper to his worthy partner, to know
if she had heard tho noise. Yes ! she too
had heard it, and was fully as badly scared.
Whilo they lay in such fear in tho bed,
John was in still greater trouble vniter tho
bed. The constant tickling in his throat,
sum! the fear of being discovered if ho gavo
way to it, put him iu porfect misery. At
last ho could restrain it no longer and in
tho attempt to keep it back, ho succeeded
k iu making a lioiso that was a groan,a cough
svud grunt so mingled, that it was enough
to scare any one. Old Hans could not hold
ut against any noise bo terriblo, and mak
ing a leap ho landed in tho middle of tho
room, saying: "Save yourself, mother I
Tho devil or somo of his imps is under tho
bed," he made speed to reach tho room oc
-ipiud by tho boys, hastily followed by his
other half, who, in this case was no better
than he. !
The boys wore quickly aroused, and mr;dp !
acquainted with the causo of tho commo- I
tion. With tho striking of the light camo
i .
renewed courage, nnd with tho boys for a
body-guard the old folks returned to re
connitrotho premises.
Upon entering the room tho old man nt a
safe distance, holding tho light, made 0110
of the boys raise tho curtain and look under
the bed. Of course nothing was there, for
the moment the way was left clear John
had made haste to got away from tho house
and was then quite a distance on his
Way home.
By this time Kate had joined the party
anxious to learn if her lover had escaped,
and as looking under the bed had failed to
explain tho mystery, she suggested that they
examine tho cellar. Accordingly the whole
force moved cautiously clown to that locali
ty, but there, search was equally unsuccess
ful, and tho old man returned in the full be
lief that some supernatural visitor had made
the terriblo sounds.
The boys and Kate tried to convince him
to the contrary, but all to no effect, and he
solemnly said : "Children, some 0110 is go
iug to die and this is a warning ; you may
laugh now, but if in the morning you
should find cither 1110 or the old woman
dead, then you would believe it too." But
at last they again retired, but this time the
candle was left burning, as Hans said, "so
he could sco if anything did happen."
As time passed on and neither him or
tho old woman wero called away, his fears
subsided, but for nearly a year ho used to
tell tho story every time ho could get a
listener, and would have told it longer of
if the truth had not come out.
Not many months however, after that
terrible night, the trouble between the two
families was settled, and then John and
Kate with her father's consent, emigrated
to tho State of Matrimony.
At the wedding, as tho old man was re
laiing "his ghost story," as he called it,
to quite an audience, Kato took the scare
all out of it by telling tho exact cause of
the noise.
The laugh that followed Kate's version
of tho story, was not joined in by old Hans,
and he was even heard to mutter something
like,
" I wish I had known it before I gavo my
consent to the marriage," and in which
case, it is highly probable that John would
have waited somo longer before marrying
Kate with her father's approval. As it
could not be helped now, tho old man soon
learned to look upon it as a joke, and fully
forgave both John and Kate.
Scene in a Justice's Court.
iJramati Persome Lawyer, who is fond
of his " tod ;" "Witness, likewise with a
weakness ; the Court ; and opposing legal
lights and spectators.
Lawyer to witness
"Did you di ink any thing at the bar of
tho defendant'.'"
"Once."
"Any moro ?"
" Yes, sir."
"Well, how many more?" emphatically.
" I'crhapH twico or throe times."
" Did you, sir, drink ten times?"
"I don't know, maybe I did."
" Well, sir, how did you feel after the
first drink ?" Witness muses awhile
"I felt like a sunflower."
"Ah, you did sir. How did you feel after
tho teeond drink ?"
Witness, smiling blandly "I I felt liko
two sunflowers !"
More laughter, and lawyer slightly irrita
ted. "Now, sir," with great gravity of look
after ton drinks how did you feel ?"
Witness to lawyer "Square, you have
been there, you know, pretty often, and un
derstand language, h not equal to the occam'on.
Keallyi you must excuse mo."
"Silence- in tho Court!" thunders the
justice, and of course ho was obeyed in a
horo.
137 A peddler in Connecticut sold his
dog to a stranger for eight dollars, and lent
him a piece of safety fuse to lead tho ani
mal homo by. By tho bribo of a dollar a
boy was induced to flro tin) fuse, the dog
returned to his old master, and tho peddler
netted seven dollars on his trade.
ZW "What is Europe compared to Amer
ica V" said a Fourth of July orator. "No
wharl Whcro is England? Nowhar!
They call England the mistress of tho sea',
but what makes the.tica' , The 'Mississippi
makes it, nud all wo'vo gpt to,do is,to turn
the Mississippi into the Mammoth Cave, and
tho English navy will be floundering in the
mud !"
AN UNWELCOME GUEST.
BY JUDGE CI.ARK.
! ?l0 ("ET money and keep it, necor
In .1:.... ... 1 - . ..
JL uing to llichard V hinstonc s cato
ehism, were the two chief ends of man.
lie was a single man on principal. It
was tho right tiling economically, and
therefore right indubitably.
To one person in the world Richard
Whinstnne was generous, and that was
his dear friend Richard Wliinstono.
Richard Whinstono had done a good
day's work, lie had made one or two
profitable shaves ; lie had fold up the
wi'low Marten, nnd turned her and her
six children out of doors for iion-pay-montof
rent; and, finally, had read a
little boy with a pinched and pitiful face,
who had besought the price of a loaf of
j bread, and who said lie had a sick moth-
er t home, a lecture 011 the sinfulness of
begging, that evidently touched the little
wretch's conscience, for ho turned aside
and wept bitterly.
' You'ro a good citzen, Dick." he said,
as ho sat down to dinner, " and deserve
to he rewarded."
The dinner was one after his own heart.
It was a treat he had promised himself if
things wore right, and they hud gone
i right.
I lie ate, drank, and was merry. If his
appetite lost its edge, the bottle of Bur
gundy was there to whet it, and fell to
J again, till the last morsel, like Macbeth's
! amen, stuck in his throat.
Satiety normally begets placidity.
The lion, the leopard, and the lamb,
might lie down together any day, witli
perfect safety to the latter provided the
two former had their bellies full. The
boa constrictor, gorged with an ox, be
takes himself, for a season, to a life of
quiet. Hut the elfect 011 Kicliard Whin
stone was different. The expense of a
whole pig, wallov ing iu wine, rested
heavy on his conscience, and brain be
gan to busy itself with schemes of re
iuibursmcnt. The current of hiu thoughts was inter
rupted by a loud knock. Wlio could be
coining on business. at that hour ? Sonic
one, perhaps, with a bill of discount iu
an emergency that would benr no waiting.
So much the better, aud he hastened to
open the door.
" How are you, Dick?" the stranger
greeted hi in, with a fuuiilhirity altogether
too careless for a needy customer.
" I have not the pleasure of your ac
quaintance, sir," said Itichard, iu a tone
more freezing than polite.
" But 1 know you very well." returned
the stranger ; " and pray don't let us
stand hero bandying ceremonies, for it's
coufounded chilly ;" saying which he led
the way to the apartment Kichaud had
just quitted.
" Veil, this is comfort," he continued,
rubbing his hands before the fire. "I
had i't felt so much ut homo since I left
there."
A hasty survey of his visitor added
alarm to Richard's astonishment. He
was a wiry, ill-looking little man, in a
rusty suit of black, with a wicked leer
011 his face, and one club foot.
" I say Dick," the little man resumed,
holding his hands in tho blaze as if they
wcre fire-proof, "what an inhospitable
dog you are?"
" Whether hospitable or inhospitable,"
growled Kicliard, losing his temper as he
gained his courage, " is not your busi
ness, but 1 would liko to know what vs."
' It's bad talking business on an emp
ty stomach."
" I don't see how it's to be helped,"
answered Dick, doggedly.
" Don't see how it's to be helped, you
curmudgeon !" thundered the little man.
fiercely. " With tho remains of such a
feast on the tablo, there must be more
where it came from."
" Upon my word," replied Bichard
meekly, for lie was getting frightened
again, " there isn't a bite in the houe."
" Don't lie !" roared the other; " there
is a eold ham in the pantry, and a demi
john of brandy iu the closet."
" flow do you know that ?" it was on
the tip of Kiehard's tonguo to ask, but
he was too much amazed to speak.
"How did I know it?" broke in tho
strangor, as if reading his thoughts;
" Why, I unull them ; so bring them
out."
llichnrd would have demurred, but his
guest made a movement which convinced
him delay might bo dangerous, and the
required articles were produced.
Without (dunging his scut, tho little
man drew up to the table mid began to
eat. And how lie did cat!" A chunk
of ham, big enough for n shark bait, was
stuck on the point of tho carving kuife,
and thrust down his throat with the au
dacity of a sword-swnllower. Another
nnd another followed, till nothing remain
ed but the bone, which ho crushed with
his teeth, nnd then sucked the marrow.
" Now for a punch !" he cried
There is no hot water." . llichard ven
tured to say.
" Water ! who nsked for wider ?
bring 111c a lemon, some sugar, and a ket
tle." '
Tho kettle was planed on the fire.
The stranger filled it with brandy, ad
ding lemon and sugar to suit bis taste.
As the liquor boiled over it caught fire,
setting the whole in a blaze.
llichard jumped up to take it off.
The stranger caught his arm, and flung
him back as if be had been a child in
stead of n substantial citizen of two hun
dred ponnds.
" What are you about ?" he exclaimed ;
" the punch is doing well enough."
" I was only afraid the house might be
burnt."
" Bother the house !" replied the little
man ; " there's no danger."
"Your health. Dick," at length be
said, and raising the kettle all blazing to
his lips, be drank liko a dromedary.
" And now, Dick, it's your turn," he
said after a long breath ; " you must
drink my health now."
Kicliard drew back.
" Drink !" shouted the stranger, hold
ing out the vessel.
Poor Dick took a single gulp. He left
the skin of bis n.outh on the brim of the
kettle, his throat was singed by the blaze.
" And now to business said the stran
ger, resuming his seat, leaving Dick to
sit or stand as be chose.
" You knew John Walter, I believe."
" Yc yes," stammered llichnrd, " I
once knew a person of that name."
" You and be went to California to
gether." Kicliard acknowledged the fact.
" You made money, and he didn't."
" I believe I was the more fortunate of
the two."
" You and he started to return together,
and be died at San Francisco."
Kicliard bowed.
"IHb wife and child are now desti
tute," tho stranger persisted.
" T can't help that."
"Of course not. It was his boy you
gave the good advice to-day ; I hope the
young scamp will profit by it."
The scene with the little beggar, Rich
ard was quite sure had been witnessed
by no one. How the stranger found it
out was past comprehension.
"You'ro quite sure John Walter died
poor?" the stranger went on.
" Oh ! quite," said Richard, " I paid
his funeral expenses myself."
"That's a lie!" retorted the little
man ; " They wero paid by tho public.
It's another lie that ho died poor. He
had twenty thousand dollars with him
which you stole."
" I deny it !" Richard fairly screamed,
" and defy 'ou to prove it."
" Prove it ! What effrontery ! Why I
saw you do it."
"It is false ! There was nobody pres
ent." " Bo careful, Richard, or you will
commit yourself. I saw you do another
thing."
Dick shrank shivering in a chair, but
said nothing.
"John Walter would have survived
his illness, but yuu put poison in hit med
icine." A sudden fury took possession of Rich
ard Winston. when ho saw the secret of
his life in another's keeping. Tho carv
ing knife lay within his reach, lie seized
it, and springing on tho stranger, with a
desperate plunge sought to bury the blade
in his heart, but it glanced as from plate
armor, and in an instant tho little man
was on his feet.
" Oho, that's your game is it?"
And with a trip that sent his heels
spinning in tho air, llichard was thrown
headlong with a force that shook the
house to its foundation. The club foot
was placed on his stomach nnd what a
horrible ugly foot it was ! It was cleft
like the honf of an ox and seemed to weigh
a ton.
" Then you are the ."
" Pray keep a civil tongue in your
head, aud come along," said tho little
man.
llichard fainted.
When he came to himself day was break
ing. Tho old house-keeper, who had found
him groaning nnd sprawling on the floor,
had, with much difficulty, shaken him
into conciousness. Sho assisted him to
bed. But llichard never was himself
again. The surfeit of pig had brought
on a fever, of which he died in eight days.
His last rational act was the execution of
a will, by which he left the bulk of hi
fortune to John Walter's widow and
child ; which, nftcr all, was a simple act
of justice, for the Demon Niyhtmare had
told the truth.
The Dutchman's Experience.
At a circus, recently, five dollars was
offered to any one who would ride the
mule, three times around the ring without,
fulling off. A Dutchman present con
cluded to try it and related his experi
ence as follows :
I got on his pack mitout sum droublcs,
and der fursd dime I got arountdat ring
splendit; on der sccont dinio it ish a
drifle more barter for mo to holt on mit
mincsclf, for dat mule pegins to got ner
vous, nud I shust ish out on mine third
rount, nnd vas dinkin dat der fifth toller
ish mine, ven dat pigger shackass mule
makes a rare ub, und ub I goes in der
air, vich make me durn doo or dhrec
summersets, und town I hinted in der
middle of dat ring. I dinks every pone
in mine pody is picked, so I dries so I
can hurry outer dat ring, for I ish afraid
of mine life ; ven I dry to done dis tings,
dat mule shackass up mit his pehint legs
and gave on mine pack pehind, such a
kick, as I ish knocked more as six yarts
outer dat ring; so I ton't get der finif
tollars. I ish now mndo ub mit mint!
mind dat any peoblcs vot dries to vin
monish mit mule ridin, ish a more pigger
shackass as der mule. Aintit?
A pertinent text was recently preached
by a young clergyman near Boston, who
returning to his parish after a month'
vacation, brought with him a companion
for life. It was of course a surprise and
the subject of many r unnrks. Every
body naturally wished to see the pastor's
wife, and next Sunday the church was
crowded. The attention of the congre
gation seemed turned more to tho bride
than to the service, until they were
startled by the announcement of the text,
"What went yo out for to sec?" It
seemed to meet the case. Thenceforth
they looked upon the minister.
J5aF Returning from divine service one
Sunday, good little Billy 's idea of
propriety had been shocked hv the won-
a 1 i ,1
derful attire of some little female friends,
who displayed uncommonly low-necked
dresses, which moved him to sav unto his
maternal parent: ' It's poor business for
loiks to go to chuwili just to show their
clothes." " Why, mv son. vou must not
judge those little girls; we cannot see
tiieir Hearts." " Can see their hearts ! '
exclaimed Billy ; " well I should think
you might; their dresses were low enough,
I'm sure !"
855"" The celebrated Dr. Thynoc cel
ebrated almost as much for his love of
good living as for his professional skill
called one day upon a certain eccentric
nobleman, whom he found sitting alone at
a very nico dinner. After some time the
doctor receiving no iuvitation to partake
of it said ; " Mv dear lord, if I were in
your lordship's place, I should say, ' Pray
doctor, tlo as 1 am doing. " A thou
sand pardons for the omission," cried his
lordship ; " pray, then, my dear doctor,
do us I am doiiiK 20 home and eat
your owu dinner."
Be?" Judge Hugh Breckenridgc, r.i
the Supremo Court ot Pennsylvania, tho
witty author of " Modern Chivalry,"
whibt riding through Westmoreland Co.,
Pa., saw a young girl who was going out
to milk the cows, place her hand on the
top rail of a fence, and spring over.
' If you can do that again, my girl, I
will marry you." The girl did so. The
Judge dismounted, saw the parents ot
the girl, and told them that he would un
dertake the education of their daughter
and afterwards marry her ; which was
done.
fltB-The celebrated Dr. Gregory, in
the course of one of his modical lectures
at Edinburg, stated : " One cannot stand
perfectly motionless for half an hour;
that he had once tried to do so, nnd faint
en lit tho end of twenty minutes. The'
blood requiring the aid of motion from
the body in order to retain its full circu
lating power."
B3t, Discussion pf tho Bible question
in Cincinnati has led one of the writer
of the Cincinnati Commerritil to exam
ine tho book. After describing briefly,
ho conies to tho conclusion that " Indeed
tho Bible is a good book to read."
ttaST A young farmer who inqnired
how best to start a nursery waB told U
get married.