Bradford reporter. (Towanda, Pa.) 1844-1884, November 09, 1865, Image 1
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IN Ml' of the laboring free! w. A. s. : -anemia. LTfiIMONIAL INFELICITIES. ■ 11.• willu extracts arc from Barry j iv 1 k, C Billed "Matrimonial IN iVw married men or women | • ri'C -gnizc tiic many hard hits in ~ -. [ t* * r wliicli foUows : FRIDAY'S CLEANING. ti.. housemaid, having entered - c: - study on household thoughts ami armed with broom and dust-pan, i as an intruder by the indignant I exclaimed, interrupting her and : my chair as I spoke, ated precipitately, slamming the - r, as she disappeared ; I step-: r, turned tho key in the lock, ■ito my desk. " Sow then," I ys.'if, " 1 think that matter is sat tiled. How curious it is," I " that all women folks take such 1 i -\v. eiing. Now, if there he i , i islike more than another, it is ' I .ma were invented by the i : . the patience of mankind."— , :uni. d to my writing. . . minutes elapsed, a knock at j r d sturbed rne. i.- there ?" I asked, it is," said the original Biddy. j .it do you want ?" 1 enquired, u. stress bids me come back and ! > tim room." ■ tu't be done," 1 replied : "go j ! y ■ h t, me in, sir ?" she asked. 1 answered, n 1 ii tell the mistress,'' she said, a few mimites 1 enjoyed comparative ; Only my little boy, taking advan tlio uiaid having left the dust pan i ir, converted it temporarily into I i-ing the handle ol' the feather i a drumstick, and getting astride was riding up and down the hall, a door, 1 told him lie might take ' the yard and play with them ■ .-ti 1 resumed my writing, con myself upon having disposed • tut, the boy, and the sweeping i id written six lines, perhaps, ati tapping at my door disturbed ■A it was my wife, so 1 opened it 1 "■ i her. She walked in with tie -tie air, and took a seat on - v. tu mt speaking. ;Y , it j' J said, " What is it ?" ■ > x ictly what I came here to -wen d," she replied. Live to inquire of Baruuui," U1 can'T tell." - : j"k ug matter, sir, 1 can as- i >n tinned. How do you sup-1 . keep my house in clean i . ii the servants are not al tad dust when 1 tell them 1 iii' know," I replied, "but iac necessity of one's coin- I am writing, and raising the m ssarily must. Why . si.an other room just as • • confess puzzles me. The •iii doesn't require sweeping. ;v ihan two or three weeks ago, j -iw urie sweeping it " : three weeks 1" echoed my it iiail not been swept until then, 1 "• ni'd linda cart-load of dirt -.s tiioroughly swept on Wediies | ! •' Friday is my regular day for : - ai.d cleaning throughout the '• :: Vou will just let the servant and sweep, I will he much -' ■' l you." dly, 1 don't think the room i i-aid ; " besides, it being a 1 aid decided to remain at home it will be very annoying for ais moment ; and, indeed, I And 1 resolutely took up my '"i-uiaed writing. ■'s We red not a word, but sat a ' L " ast five minutes. I did not ' a iiom my paper, although I ' • s were upon me, and that she !i g me attentively. It is very s -• nsitive man like myself to be " - t't ul a woman's eyes for many 4 time. At last, throwing down : leave me to my writing.— "ii, and 1 don't want it swept, tl'ut sweeping was done •' ■ purpose than to raise a dust— can go about witli a feather 13. O. GOODRICH, Puhlisher. VOLUME XXVI. brush and a dusting cloth, and scatter the dust which lias settled on the furniture over the Hour again. What possible good is accomplished thereby, I don't see." " The obtuseness of some persons." she answered, maliciously, " often prevents their seeing good in anything." •' Indeed !" was all 1 vouchsafed to re ply. At this moment Biddy made her appear ance, complaining that some one had car ried off her broom and dust pan, and she could not find them. My wife regarded me attentively. " If any one," said she, " has had the au dacity to hide them, I shall never forget it as long as I live !" I made no reply. " It is very singular," she continued,what has become of them." 1 looked out of the window, and asked my wifl; what the noise was that came up from the yard. " Well, if that was not too bad," she said ; " there is that dear iittle boy out in the rain without any cap on, and with the dust pan and broom. What a careless girl ; you are to have left them lying where the little fellow could get them. Go, quickly, and bring in the child. After all, it is your fault," she added, turning to me, "if you had allowed her to attend to her sweeping here as usual, this would not have happened. Now, he has probably taken a terrible cold, and will have the croup and die, for aught I know." Here the lad made his appearance, strug gling in Bridget's arms. He was thorough ly wet, and had apparently been thrown irom his horse, for he was covered with mud from head to feet. " Look at his !" exclaimed my wife " can he ever la- got clean ?" " He's in a pickle," 1 said. " Pa said I might go out, and take the broom, too," said young hlipeful. I frowned at the rascal. " Is that true ?" my wife asked "Certainly it is," I said. " And now just see," 1 continued, " how wrong it was in you to send Bridget to sweep my room, I when you knew 1 vv s < s,gaged in writing. It will all be owing to your ill management of household alia s, i! that boy be sick ami die. And if tins should be the sad result, how you ever can forgive yourself, I do not know." " But, mv dear," she said, looking im ploringly into mv face, " I didn't send him into the yard." " I can't help that," I replied, " the fault is yours, just the same. It all comes from your confounded mania for sweeping and dusting. I wish to gracious there was no such a thing as a broom in the world." " But," interposed my wife do you really think the darling will be sick and die?" and she clasped the lad, muddled though he as, within her arms, vv" I cannot tell," I replied, " how live min utes' exposure to a warm spring rain ma}' affect him ; but at all events," 1 added smiling at her terror, " the fault will rest at your door." "Ah ! 1 see how it is," said my wife, her confidence somewhat restored ; "it is the old story enacted in the Garden of Eden by our first parents—the man putting the blame on the woman." •' My dear," I said, "as it lias ceased rain ingl, I think I will take a walk, and while I am absent, you can let Bridget sweep and dust my room ; but," I added, as I took up my hat and coat, "if there be one thing 1 dislike more than another, it is Friday's cleaning. A WIFE WANTING MONEY. Mrs. Gray one morning askes her hus band for money. The children's dresses and the large gas bill account for the demand, but the irritable husband is disposed to find fault. " I believe," he says, "the servants burn gas all night ; and if they do, it is your fault." " Ido not think, my dear, that the ser vants are at all wasteful of it." < "Then there is something the matter with the confounded metre," I said. "Can't the children get at it,and set the register ahead in some way ?" My wife laughed. "Oli, you needn't laugh," I continued; "it's a probable thing, as they are given to all kinds of mischief. I'll go directly down to the company's office, and enter a com plaint about tin- metre." And 1 put on my hat resolutely, and opened the door to de part, " But you are not going without leaving me some money, I hope," she said. " There i' is again !" I exclaimed ; "mon ey ! money ! it is always money with you women. Well, how much do you want? Come, don't keep me standing here forever, when yon know I am in a hurry." " Can you spare me twenty dollars ?" she ask< d. " No !" 1 answered. " Fifteen then ?" she suggested. "Scarcely," 1 answered ; "but there are twelve; and now don't a>k me for money again in a week." "But what shall 1 do about the children's spring clothing ?" she inquired ; "after pay ing the gas bill, 1 shall not have any great amount left." "1 don't know, nor I don't care what you will do," 1 replied. "The fact is, the child ren are well enough dressed. I don't ap prove of arraying them in velvet and laces." " Fifteen or twenty dollars," she answer ed, smiling, "would scarcely be sufficient for the purchase of any quantity of velvet and laces. No ! all that I want is to have the children appear clean and respectable. 1 can't abide to see them in soiled and fad ed clothes." "But they look well enough to me," I said. " I don't see why their present clothes are not good enough for them to play around in, as they do ; nor why it is necessary to buy anything new." " If you had to attend to the mending of their clothes, as I do, you wouldn't ask me why I wanted to get them new ones." " Well, well," I said, "there are ten dol lars more ; but don't, for goodness sake ask me for money again until" \ " I ntil," interrupted my wife, smiling, "I j want a new bonnet—which will be next week." "My dear, 1 I said, impressively, " don't speak to me of bonnets. If there be one thing I dislike more than another, it is to hear about a now'bonnet." " But lam very economical as regards i bonnets, you know, my dear," she said, " I TOVVAXDA, BRADFORD COUNTY, PA., NOVEMBER 9, 1865. only have four a year, whereas most ladies have a dozen." "A dozen !" I exclaimed,astonished,"why that is equal to one a month. It is pre posterous. Does your milliner have many such customers ?" " Oh, yes !" Miss Modiste assures me that there are some ol her purchasers who get a new bonnet every month." " I am thankful, my dear," I said, "that i y°u are not one ; but, it appears to me, that ! four hats a year are more than you can af ford to have, especially in such hard times as these are. when every one should study economy. Don't you think you can get along with two a year ?" " I really don't see how it would be pos sible," she replied ; " because every three months the fashions change, and 1 would not, you know, like to be out of the fash ion." " Well, the fact is, my dear," I replied, "that we must economize somewhere ; and I think we can best dispense with new bon .nets. As for being in the fashion, it is all nonsense. If there be one thing I dislike more than another, if is seeing you forever studying a fashion plate." ; "1 am not forever studying a fashion plate," my wife answered, with spirit : "it ! is rarely, indeed, that I see one. If you want to economize, why don't you stop smoking, and leave ofi" drinking wine?— You men are always accusing us of being extravagant, and spending our time before a mirror; but in my opinion, and in that of all the thinking portion of my sex, too, we I are seldom as extravagant or as vain as i your sex. You'll spend almost as much for | one dinner, down-town, as would suffice to i feed your whole family well for a week. As j for vanity, I have never seen the greatest . coquette staid longer before a mirror than ; 1 have you when engaged tying an elabor- j ate knot in your cravat." Leaving this pretty quarrel as it stands j —though the intelligent reader will, of: course surmise that the lady ultimately lias '■ her oufii way -we close our extracts from | Barry Gray's charming book with this little ■ sketch of AX ESCAPED IIRSBAXD. "My wife has gone to visit her mother. ! " I am happy to be able to state that the | children accompanied her. Peace, quiet- ; ness and felicity reign in my dwelling. I | come and go unquestioned. 1 stay out late at night without fear of rebuke, i lie abed of mornings, and no one insists on my get ting up. My friends pass theevening with rne, and there be none who tell me the next day that the window curtains are filled with tobacco smoke, and the parlor lias the fra grance of a bar-room. If two or three friends come home to dine with me, the cook never asks why I brought them, nor complains of a headache. What is more, she does not insist upon having a new silk dress every week, nor burst into tears if I utter crude and naughty words. The fact is, if there be one thing I like more than another,it is to have my wife often visit her mother." CONVERSATION. —The power of conversa tion consists in the habit of not thinking of what is in your mind, of not groping and ferreting about in the dull dank vacuities of your own soul for any notions which chance to he found straying there. He alone can converse with any effect who cares only to see that which hovers before the mental eye of his opponent. Conver sation is inconipatable with vanity. It. is also the best cure for vanity. For the only way to get rid of self love is not to think of one's self, but to contemplate what is ex ternal to one's self. Enter into the minds of others, and you will gradually get out of yourself. The secret of light conversa tion is to speak of that only in which your partner is interested; to twist about the thought in his mind. To say that which is already known is rude. Such conduct will be resented. Y T ou will be branded as dull and insipid. It is not rude, on the other hand, to remain silent. Paradoxes are good ; because they are not commonplace generalities. Never d< cind to common place, but force persons out of their ordi nary grooves. If any man is talking of a high subject, and you let slip a common place, he will mil saj another word to you. A look,without a word, is sufficient to show that you have entered into his meaning.— But if you say what does not require to be said, it proves that you have not been fol lowing him. In sum, the whole art of con versation consists in not traveling out of your partner's thought,but in receiving and applying it ; and he alone naturally con verses well who has got rid of vanity and self-love. A MAONANIMOFS DANE.— During the wars that raged from 1622 t > 1660, between Frederick 111 of Denmark and Charles Gus tavus of Sweden, after a battle, in which the victory had remained with the Danes, a stout burgher of Fiensborg was about to refresh himself ere retiring to have his wounds dressed, with a draught of beer from a wooden bottle, when an imploring cry from a wounded Swede, lying on the field, made hiui turn, with the very words of Sidney, "Thy need is greater than mine." He knelt down by the fallen enemy, to pour the beer in his mouth. His requital was a pistol shot in the shoulder from the treach erous Swede. " Rascal !" he cried, " I would have be friended you, and you would murder me in return. Now 1 will punish you. I would have given you the whole bottle, but now you shall have only half." And drinking oft'half himself, he gave the rest to the Swede. The king, hearing the story, sent for the burgher, and asked him how he came to spare the lift; of such a rascal. " Sire," said the honest burgher, "I never could kill a wounded enemy." " Though meritest to be a noble," the king said, and created him one immediate ly, giving him as armorial bearings a wood en bottle pierced with an arrow ! The fam ily only lately became extinct in the person of an old maiden lady. " WIFE, I am to live but a few hours at most—l shall soon be in heaven." " You, you'll never be any nearer than you are now to heaven, you old brute ! You'd look well stuck up in Heaven, I think I see you there now." " Dolphus, Dolphus," hoarsely growled the old man, " bring me my cane, and let me larrup the old trollop once more before I die." . REOARDI.ESS OF DENUNCIATION FROM ANY QUARTER. THE COINERS FROM THE DIABY OF A DETECTIVE. During the year of 1847 the West was flooded with a counterfeit coin. It was so well manufactured that it passed readily. The evil at last became so great that the United States authorities requested that a skillful detective might be sent to ferret out the nest of coiners, 1 was fixed upon to perform that duty. 1 had nothing to guide me. The fact, however, that Chicago was the city where the counterfeit coin was most abundant,led me to suspect that the manufactory was somewhere within its limits. It was, there fore, to the capital of the West that I pro ceeded. I spent five weeks in the city without gaining the slightest clue to the counterfeiters. I began to grow discouraged, and really thought 1 should be obliged to return home without having achieved any result. One day I received a letter from my wife re questing me to send some money, as she was out of funds I went to the bank and asked for a draft, at the same time handing a sum of money to pay for it, in which there were several half dollars. The clerk pushed three of them back tome, saying, "Coun terfeit." " What !" said I, "you don't mean to tell me those half dollars are counterfeit?" "1 do." " Are you certain ?" " Perfectly certain. They are remark ably executed, but are deficient in weight. See for yourself." And he placed one of them in the bal ance against a genuine half dollar, and the latter brought up the former. "This is the best counterfeit coin I ever saw in m} r life," I exclaimed, examining them closely. "Is all the counterfeit mon ey in circulation here of the same chatac ter as this ?" " O dear, no," the clerk replied, " it is not nearly so well done. These are the work ol the famous New York counterfeiter, Ned W illett. I know them well, for 1 have handled a great many in my time. Here is B"ine of the money that is circulating here," he added, taking half dollars from a drawer. " You see that the milling is not so well done as Ned Willett's, although this is pretty good too." 1 compared the two and found that he was right. I supplied the place of the three counterfeits with good coin, and re turned the former to my pocket. A few days after this I received informa tion which caused nie to take a journey to a small village about thirty miles from Chicago. I arrived there at night and took up my quarters at the only tavern in the piace. It was a wretched dwelling, and kept by an old man and woman, the surli est couple, I think, it has ever been my lot to meet. In answer as to whether I could have a lodging there that night I noticed the host gave a particular look at his wife, and after some whispering, I was informed in the most ungracious manner possible that 1 could have a bed. 1 have frequently in the course of my life been obliged to put up with wretched ac commodations, so I did not allow my equa nimity of temper to be destroyed by the miserable sleeping apartments into which 1 was ushered after I had finished my re past. The chamber was of small size, and cer tainly well ventilated, for I could see the stars through the roof. The bed was sim ply a bag of straw thrown into one corner of the room, without sheet or covering of any kind. This last fact, however, was not of much consequence, as it was sum mer and oppressively hot. 1 stood for more than an hour gazing out of the opening which served for a window. Before me was an immense prairie, the limits of which I could not see. The tav ern in which I had taken up my abode ap peared to he isolated from all other dwell ings, and save the croak of the tree-toad and the hum of the locust, not a sound reached my ear. Ii was a beautiful moon light night, so bright that 1 could see to read the smallest print. At last 1 began to grow weary, and throwing myself on my pallet 1 was soon plunged in deep slumber. How long I slept I know not, but I was awakened by a dull sound, which resembled some one hammer ing in the distance. I suppose it was the peculiarity of the sound which awoke me, for it was by no means loud, but conveyed to me the idea of some one striking iron with a muffled hammer, 1 rose from rnv bed and went to the w.ndow. The moon was now in the western horizon, by which fact I knew that it must be near morning. The son in! I had before referred to reached me more distinctly than when in the back part of the chamber It appeared to come from soi'ie nuthouses which were situated a hundred yards from the house Now I am naturally of an inquiring mind, and this sound, oecnririg as it did in the middle of the night, piqued my curiosity, and I felt an irrepressible to go out and dis cover the cause of it. This desire, as the sound continued, grew upon me with such intensity, that 1 resolved to gratify it at any price 1 put on my boots, the only article of at- j tire I had discarded, and cautiously opened i the door of my chamber and noiselessly do- j Kccndcd the ricketty staircase. A few ; steps brought me into the lower apartment, which I found entirely deserted. I crept quietly to the window, and unfastening it j without making the slightest noise, was ! soon in the moonlight. Not a soul was visible, but the sound I . have mentioned grew much more distinct j as 1 approached the place from whence it I proceeded. At last 1 found myself before j a long, low building, through the crevice ; of which I could perceive a lurid glare is-! suing. I stooped down and peeped through the key-hole, and to my extieme surprise I saw half a dozen men, with their coats off and sleeves up, performing a variety of strange occupations. Some were working at a forge, others were superintending the casting of moulds, and some were engaged in the process of mining coin. In a mo ment the whole truth burst upon rne. Here : was the gang of counterfeiters 1 was in search of, and the landlord and his win- ev idently belonged to the same baud, for in one corner I perceived them employed, the j man polishing off some half dollar pieces, and the woman was packing the finished coin into rolls. I had seen enough and was about to re" turn to my apartment, when I suddenly [ felt a heavy hand placed on my shoulder, and turning my head around, to my horror found myself in the grasp of as ill-looking a scoundrel as ever escaped the gallows. " What are you doing here, my good fel low ?" he exclaimed giving me a shake. "Taking a stroll by moonlight," I replied, endeavoring to retain my composure. " Well, perhaps you will just take a stroll inside, will you?" returned the ruffian, pushing open the door, and dragging rne in after him. All the inmates of the barn immediately stopped work and rushed toward us when they saw me. " Why, what's all this !" they exclaimed. "A loafer 1 found peepin' outside," said my captor. "He's a traveler that came to the tavern last night and asked for lodging ; the lust I saw of him he was safe in bed," said the landlord. The men withdrew to a corner of the apartment, leaving one to keep guard over me I soon saw they were in earnest con sultation, and were evidently debating some important question. The man keep ing guard over me said nothing, but scowl ed fiercely. I had not said a single word during all the time I had been in the barn. 1 was aware that whatever I might say would in all probability do more harm than good, and it has always been a maxim of mine, to hold my tongue when in doubt. At last the discussion seemed to be ended, for the blackest of the whole came forward, and without any introduction, exclaimed, — "I say, stranger, look here, you must die 1" I did not move a muscle or utter a word. "You have found out our secret, and dead men tell no talcs." I was silent. "We will give you ten minutes to say your prayers, and also allow you the privi lege of being shot or hung." Suddenly an idea struck me. I remem bered something that might save my life. I burst into a violent fit of laughter, iu fact it was hysterical, but the}* did not know it They looked at one another in amazement. "Well, he takes it mighty Cool, anyhow," said one. "Suppose he don't think we are in earn est," sunt another. "Come, stranger, you had better say your prayers," said the man who had lirst spoken, "time llies," My only reply was a fit ul laughter more violent than the first. "The man's mad," they exclaimed. "Or drunk," said some. "Well, boys," cried 1, speaking for the | first time, "this is the best joke 1 have ever seen. What, hang a pal ?" "A pa!—you a pal ?" "I ain't nothin' else," was my elegant re joinder. "What is your name ?" "Did you ever hear of Ned Willctt ?" I replied. "Y'ou may be certain of that. Ain't he the head of our profession?" "Well, then, I'm Ned." "Y'ou Ned Willctt?" they all exclaimed. "You may bet your life on that," I re turned, swaggering up to the corner where I had seen the old woman counting and packing the counterfeit half dollars. Fortune favored me. None of the men present had ever seen Ned Willett, although his reputation was well known to them,and my swaggering, insolent manner had some what thrown them off their guard, yet 1 could plainly see that their doubts were not all removed. "And you call these things well done, do you ?" 1 asked taking up a roll of the money. "Well, all 1 have to say is that if you can't do better than this?, you had bet ter shut up shop, that's all." "Can you show us any better ?" asked one of the men. "I rather think 1 can. If I couldn't I'd hang myself." "Let's see it," they all eried. This was my last coup, and one on which my life depended. "Look here, gentlemen, I exclaimed, tak ing one of the counterfeit half-dollars front my pocket that had been rejected at the bank, "here is my last job. what do you think of it ?" It was handed hand-to-hand, some saying it was no counterfeit at all, and some say ing it was. "How will you prove it is a counterfeit ?" asked one. "By weighing it with a genuine one," I replied. This plan was immediately adopted and its character proved. "Perhaps he got this by accident," I heard a man whisper to another. "Try these," I said, taking the other two out of my pocket. All their doubts now vanished. "Beautiful," exclamed some. "Very splendid !" said others. When they had examined them to their satisfaction they all cordially took me hy the hand, every panicle of douht having vanished from their minds. 1 carried on my part well. Some questions were occas ionly asked me involving some technicali ties of the business ; these, however, I avoided, hy stating that I was on a jour ney, and v ould rather take a glass of whis key than answer questions. The whiskey was produced and we made a night of it. It was not until morning dawned that i we separated. The next day I returned to Chicago and brought down the necessary assistance, and captured the whole gang of counter feiters in the very act. The den was bro ken up forever, and most of them were con demned to serve a term in the State Prison. I have those half-dollars still in my pos session, nnd nevec intend to part with them, for they were certainly the means of saving my life. A LITTLE girl said : '• Mother is Tom a good cat ?" " Yes." "Well, lie will go to heaven,then,won't he?" ' I suppose so, but if you're not a better girl, you'll never go there " " Uh !" said the little girl, " I'll hold on to Tom's tail." Ax editor got shaved in a barber's shop n cently, and offered the darky a dime, which he refused ; because, said he, " I un derstand dat you are an editor !" " Well ! what of that ?" "We nebber charge edi i tors nuilin 1" " But such liberality will ruin you." " Oh. neber mind, we make it up off de gemmeti." per Annum, in Advance. FUN, FACTS AND FACETLffi. A|vouxu lady who let her lids diop on be ing spoken to tenderly by a young gentleman, is anxious to recover them, and otters a handsome reward for their restoration. A nanticalgentleman of her acquaintance assures her that they could not have been properly lashed or they would not have been lost. HAPPINESS consists in thinking you are happy ; and misery in thinking you are miserable. SIR ISAAC NEWTON'S nephew was a clergy man. When he had performed the marriage cere mony for a couple, he always refused the fee, say ing, "Go your ways, poor wretches, I have done you mischief enough already." Was he or was he not a subject for a lunatic asylum ? A YOUNG prince of the illustrious house of Monaco, was asked why he had "married a rich old woman. •• Mafoi ," was the gay young prince's reply, "what poor man in a hurry to get an enor mous bank note cashed, troubles himself to look at the date ?" AN editor in a neighboring city is charg ed with grossly misrepresenting the condition of its streets. One would think that an editor had better do anything else than lie about the streets. LAXDSEER defined photography to be "jus tice without mercy." SOME men, when they are perplexed in ar gument, get out just as poor debtors get out of jail —they swear out. MILTON was asked : " How is it that in some countries a King is allowed to Like his place on the throne at fourteen years of age, but may not marry until he is eighteenV" " Because," said the poet, "it is easier to govern a kingdom than a wo man." THE Southerners have found the "last ditch." It is situated in an ante-room of the White House, where applications for pardon are consid ered. WHY are young ladies at the breaking up of a party like arrows ?—Because they can't go otf" without a beau uud are in a quiver till they get ouc. A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was replied that he kept a hot house. A YOUNG lady, on being asked if she in tended wearing that finger-ring to church, said she didn't intend wearing anything else. If she kept her word, she must have had a cold time of it. THE chap who was told that the best cure for palpitation of the heart was to quit hugging and kissing the girls, said, "If that is the only re medy which can be proposed, I, for one, say let'er palpi tat i." AN exchange speaks of a chap with feet so large, that when it r.iius, or lie wants to get into the shade, he lie.- down on his hack and holds up one foot. If fully answers the purpose of an um brella. A LOAFER who had been fined several weeks in succession for getting drunk, proposed coolly to the magistrate that he should take him by the year at „ reduced rate. A I.ADY, speaking of the gathering of law yers tu dedicate a new court house, said, she sup posed they had gone "to view the ground where they must shortly lie." A TIIIEF broke out of jail tlie other day. Being re-captured, lie told the constable that he might have escaped but e had conscientious scru ples about traveling on Sunday. Goon REASON FOR MOVING. —An honest Hi bernian drawing a handcart containing all his val uables, was accosted with: "Well, Patrick, you are moving again, I see!" " Faith I am." he're plied, "for the times are so hard, it's a dale cheap er hiring hand carts than paying rents!" "I'll take your part,"as the dog said when he stole the cat's dinner. A YOUNG lady objected to a negro's car rying her across a mud hole, because she thought herself to heavy. " e Lor's missus," said Sambo im ploringly, '• I'se carried whole barrels of sugar. " j A CLERGYMAN, at the examination of the young scholars of his Sunday school, put the fol lowing question : "Why did the children of Israel set up a golden calf ?" "Because they had not mon ey enough to set up an ox, was the pupil's reply. THE lasli that man does not object to hav ing laid on his shoulders—the eyelash of a pretty woman. THAT was a smart youngster who,on bear ing his mother remark thatslu- was fond of music, exclaimed, "Then why don't you buy me a drum?" SOME young ladies insisted on naming a gentleman's kitten Julia—it was so pretty. He gallantly replied that he should be most happy to gratify them, but it was not that kind of a eat. "SAM, are you one of the Southern chiv-! *lry ? "No. massa, I s one oli de Houthern sho7- eirv, I shoveled dirt at the Dutch Gap Canal. '" AM impatient boy, waiting for a grist, said t) the miller, "I could eat the meal as fast as the mill grinds it." "How long could you do so?" inquired the miller. "Till I starved'to death," was the sarcastic reply. AN Ohio politician was boasting in a public speech, that he con d br ng an argument to a pint as quick as any other man. "You can,bring a quart to a pint a good deal quicker," repl ed a Kentucky editor. A WESTERN paper says:—"A cow was struck by lightning and instantly killed, belong ing to the village physician, who had a beauti ul calf four days old." " TIM, does your mother ever whip you ?" "No; but slie does a precious sight worse,though." " What's that?" "Why,she washes my face every morning." "I'APA, why don't you give thctelegraph a dose of gin?" "Why, my child?" "Cause the papers say that they are out of order, a d mamma always takes gin when she is mt of order." " A PENNY for your thoughts,madam,"said a gentleman to a per, beauty. "They are not worth a farthing, sir," she replied ; "I was think ing of you." "JOHN, did Mrs. Green get the medicne I ordered?" "I guess so," replied John, "I saw crape on the door the next morning." A WRITER in Blackwood says : "When people waiiT to speak of a native of Holland they call liini an Amsterdam Dutchman, but when they speak of the German race generally, they leave out the Amster." W HEN Caesar was advised by his friends to be more cautious of the security ol his jierson, and not walk among the people without arms or any one to defend him, he always, replied to the admonitions, "He that lives in fear of death, every moment feels its tortures. I will die but once.*' WAGER OF BATTLE.— This method of de termining the guilt or innocence of an ac cused person was recognized by the com mon law of England for many centuries.— When a legal tribunal failed to convict the accused, the nearest of kin was allowed to challenge him to wager of battle, upon the belief that God would there defend the right. If the accused were killed, it was held to be a proof of his guilt ; if other wise, it was a proof that he was innocent. A case of this kind occurred in 1817, which caused the Parliament to put an end to it, A young woman was murdered by a man in a wood He was tried at the Old Bailey and acquitted. Her brother challenged the murderer to battle with swords. They were to fight until the first star appeared, and he who should first "craven" was held to be execrable. The man was kept in Newgate until Parliament altered the law. PHILOSOPHY OF EXERCISE- We take- thin instructive article from a late number of Pall' Journal of Health : All know that the less we exercise the less health we have, and the mure certain we are. to die before our time. But compar atively few persons are able to explain how exercise promotes health. Both beast and bird, in a state of nature, are exempt, f rom disease, except in rare cases ; it is because the unappeasable instinct of searching- for their necessary food, impels them to cease less activities. Children, when left to them selves, eat a great deal and have excellent health, because they will be doing some thing all the time, until they become so tired that they fall asleep ; and as soon as they wake, they begin right away to run about again ; thus their whole existence is spent in alternate eating and sleeping, and exercise, which is interesting and pleasur able. The health of childhood would be enjoyed by those of maturer years, if, like children, they would eat only when they are hungry ; stop wh ui they have done : take rest in sleep as soon as they are tired; and, when not eating or resting, would spend the time diligently in such muscular activities as would he interesting,agreeable and profitable. Exercise, wiinout mental elasticity, without an enlivement of the feelings and the mind, is of comparatively little value. NUMBER 24. 1. Exercise is health-producing, because it works off and out of the system itffwaste dead and effete matters ; these are all con verted into a liquid form, called by some " humors," which have exit from the body through the "pores" of the skin in the shape of perspiration, which all have seen, and which all know is the result of exercise, when the body is in a state of health. Thus it is. that persons who do not perspire, who have a dry skin, are always either feverish or chilly, and are never well,and never can be as long as that condition exists. So ex ercise, by working out of the system its waste, decayed and useless matter, keeps the human machine "free otherwise it it would soon clog up, and the wheels of life would stop forever ! 2. Exercise improves the health, because every step a man takes tends to impart mo tion to the bowels ; a proper amount of ex ercise keeps them acting once in every twenty-four hours ; if they have not mo tion enough, there is constipation, which brings on very many fatal diseases ; hence exercise, especially that of walking, wards off innumerable diseases,when it is kept up to an extent equal to inducing one motion of the bowels daily. 3. Exercise is healthful,because the more we exercise the luster we breathe. If we breathe faster we take that much more air into the lungs j but it is the air we breathe which purifies the blood, and the more air we take in, the more perfectly is that pro cess performed ; the purer the blond is,and as everybody knows,the better health must be. Hence, when a person's lungs are im paired he does not take in enough air for the wants of the system ; that being the case the air he does breathe should be the purest possible,which is outdoor air. Hence, the more a consumptive stays in the house, the more certain and more speedy is his death. DIED OF TOO MUCH EUFFLING- This is the epitaph which might truth fully be written on many a good woman's tombstone. Mrs Stowe, in her last Chim ney Corner paper in the Atlantic, treats of this evil in connection with the domestic fault of exactingness—that impatient qual ity which stimulates a certain class of per sons to be ever striving to reach a high standard of excellence which they can never attain, and which results in an over doing of domestic work destructive to all haopiness in the family. ID r remarks on the subject are so pertinent, and so well worthy of the serious Consideration of the mothers of our land that we cannot refrain from reprinting them here : " What if the whole can- of expensive table luxuries, like cake and preserves, be thrown out of a housekeeper's budget, in order that the essential articles of cooking may be better prepared? What if ruffling, embroidery, and the entire department ol kindred fine arts be thrown out of her cal culations, in providing for the clothing of a family ? Many a feeble woman has died of too much ruffling, as she patiently sat up night after night sewing the thread of a precious, invaluable life into elaborate ar tides which her children were none the healthier or more virtuous, for wearing. " Ideality is constantly ramifying and extending the department of the toilette and the needle into a wo. id <>f work and worry, wherein distracted women wander up and down, seeing no end anywhere. The sewing-machine was announced, as a relief to these toils ; but has it proved so ? We trow not. It only amounts to this, that now there can be seventy-two tucks on each little petticoat, instead of fifteen, as before, and that twice as many .. arnu ets art' made and held to be necessary as for merly. The women *uil sew to tin* limitof human endurance ; and still the old pro verb holds good, that woman's work is never done. " In the matter of dross, much wear and tear of spirit and nerves may lie saved by not beginning to go in certain directions, well knowing that they will take us beyond our resource of time, strength, ami money-. " There is one word of fear in the vocab ulary of the women of our time which must be pondered advisedly- TRIMMING. In old times a good garment was enough ; nowa days a garment is nothing v.bis ut trim ming. Everything, from the first article that the baby wears up to the laborate dress of the bride, must be trimmed at a rate that makes the trimming more than the original article. A dress can be made iu a day, but it cannot be trimmed under two or three days. Let a iaithiul, consci entious woman make up her mind how much of all this burden ol life she will as sume, remembering wisely that there is no end to ideality in anything, and that the only way to deal with many perplexing parts of life is to leave them out altogeth er." POISONERS. —The notorious Tofana confes sed to the murder of more than 400 by poison administered by herself directly. La Spara and Bruilliers were destructive hard ly in a minor degree. But the number of victims who succumbed to the immediate operations of those female monsters were but of small account,after all, in the grand aggregate of those who withered, stricken by pulsions suppled and given at second band. There was a time when a married Italian lady's dressing-case was hardly complete without a small vial of aqua To fana. What the fair ones did with it many a murdered husband or faithless lover, it brought to life could tell. Poisoning has i ever been the favored scheme of woman's | murder practice, and for some obvious rea son. It needs 110 strength of hand, no un wavering presence of mind, face to face with your victim ; it makes no noise, spills 110 blood, is quiet, undemonstrative ; and,as far as murder can be, is elegant. " OVERCOME evil with good," as the gen j tleman said when he knocked a burglar I down with the family bible.