O|E 03LLAR PER ANNUM INVARIABLY IN ADVANCE.
TOWANDA:
1 anw
Thursday Morning. September 2b, 186®
Sdttftb llottrj.
LITTLE MINNIE'S WISH.
I wish this war was ended,
And lather was at home,
Then mother would not cry so much—
Uh! why doft't father com'e ?
I'm sure my mother loves me,
Hut why, I cannot tell,
■She makes no more clothes for mt!,
Hut sews on clothes to sell.
I a-ked her once about it,
But mother could not speak—
She only pressed me to her breast,
While tears fell on my check.
I'm sure there's something very bad
lias happened for I know
Mv mother did not do this way
About twelve months ago.
I am too young to reason much,
Hut think it very stange.
That just because dear father's gone
That everything should change.
For since he went away, the man
That used to bring ns bread.
Has ceased to come along this way—
I'm thinking ht is dead.
I see the milk man still goes by,
Hut why, 1 cannot tell,
He will not stop at our house,
Not even ring Lis bell ;
The buclscr, too, that used to be
So kind, polite and clean.
Will not bring nia one bit of meet,
1 think lie is right mean ;
1 told my ma to change them all,
And try some other men ;
She sighed, and then came down her cliVek
Big tears, like drops of rain.
Ma used to have nice furniture—
But why. I cannot say.
Sin- let a man that had a car,
Haul nearly all away.
I wish this wat was ended.
And father was at leant 5
Then ma. I'm sure would smile again
Oil 1 When will lather conic?
Miscellaneous.
The Battle of Antietam Valley.
AMMSO Tiir: BUCK MOUNTAINS, MD., Sept. IS, UG'2.
Yt-sV-rday a great battle Was fought in the
Aiiiicbah valley, between tiie national army
iiii'ler General MeClellan and the whole rebel
army ( iiie divisions of the two lib's, J.itk
sou's, Longstreot's and Me Laws' divisions)
under Gctier. 1 Lee.
Our left rcst don the western slope of E k
Bulge Mountain, and our right aas at a point,
about three miles north of Sharpsburg, the
hue of battle stretching across the valley be
lWeeti these points. The rebels were massed
in mid around Sharpsburg.
G 'ii Hooker, who com minded ot our right.
Upeueil the buttle at daylight llis attack
Was most impetuous, and, though the reliefs
fought with great obstinacy, the}' Were driven
by noon about a in le and a halt from their
fi "st position. Gei Hooker was wounded i"
tiie foot, and Gen ll.eketts assumed command
uf tii corps.
Soon alter Gen, Hooker's advance began,
oar batteries on the various eminences became
engaged with numerous rebel batteries on the
h.ils about Sharp-burg, and a magnificent ur
tilhry light, ensued, greatly to our advantage.
Tims the battle pissed down the line, ami
kbojt noon oar left, under General Brusidt,
became hotly engaged there.
The battle raged furiously at every point,
sod the rebels were driven over three of tin-
Euiall spurs of the mouutuin, though they stili
kept their order.
About nightfall our centre was advanced
rqaul to the distance gained by the two wing-,
"ml bulk forces loy on their arms ready, op
i"irently i to renew the combat at dawn.
y.Kf.R BooNsnuao", Sept. 17—Midnight.
A glorious victory for the Union arms closes
die history of the terrible contest which has
waged with frenzy on both sides during
days past. The batlle field is in the
f'oolestown Valley, near Sharpsburg, and four
Diiles from Boonsboro. On either side rise
K'Udual slopes of the mountain. The vale be
tween these heights is one of the loveliest the
hud of nature ever gave as tiie home of His
i '-'feature, man.
Tiie rebels, acknowledging a defeat on Sun
day by their rapid departure Irom the field, a
natural stronghold four miles eastward of this
•vn, started iu hot liable Irem their position
111 i'oolestowu \ alley. Our cavalry rapidly
purmed their rear guard through the streets
Ii 0 ' Boonsboro, tin owLg them iuto confusion,
taking many prisoners. At daylight on
Le morning of yesterday the heaviest figbi g
c | the war commenced towards our left, ru r
-odjstown, and continued without i ermis
| fciou the entire day, resulting at its close iu
c " r holding the field fought on, with a;i irn
| number of prisoners and the wouuded
Cl enemy in our hands.
Our loss yesterday was trifling as compared
that ot the rebels, who were slaughtered
1 1,1 heaps by the fire of our artillery. Like
I v.aaff Before the wind the rebels llew before
j e well directed and steady advance of tne
"-' J| on lines, leaving theit' dead unboried and
L le bounded uueared for iu their hasty depar
!,are 1 liis town is today a great hospital
or rebel wounded, the victims of the fight of
K. rda J w ''h our left wing. The turning of
|. the enemy to a certain extent,
Iby 1 ,. a< lvance of our left, shortened the gap
which the rebels hoped to make their es
tl^ e ' a closed upon th. scene of bat
a V| ctory for our troops, and a pre-
L* morrow the most desperate con-
I Modern times, by the side of which even
THE BRADFORD REPORTER.
| lite hardest and stoutest coutest of the war
I becomes iusignificaut.
Murky clouds overshadowed the sky at
morning's dawn, giving indications of a heavy
i fall of rain. This, if it had come, would have
i delayed the Carnage frhich has marked this
j day's work. But. nothing but a thin mLty
I raiu occurred, and this iu no measure inter
j ferei with the prosecutien of the day's work
! of slaughter*.
At daylight the fight was renewed on the
left wing, the rebels opeuing with artillery
| from an emiuence on our troops iu a ravine be
low. Our artillery responded, silencing iu a
treasure the enemy's batteries. Our infantry
then steadily advanced, under the cover of the
lire from the artillery then supporting the col
j umn in the rear. From position to p sit ion
were the rebels driven iu this manner. In
the centre equal success attended our advances
against the rel e' lines. Several magnificent
j bone fide, bayonet charges were made by this
portion of the Uuion army, all of which were
successful. On the right of our lines from
nine o'clock this morning a determined contest
was waged, at one time with varying success. !
When nightfall came on, success had been
glorious on all portions of the iine, our troops
driving the rebels at every onslaught upou
them to a new position.
Your correspondent reached tiie scene about
five o'clock. Then the firing was not half so
incessant as it had been during the day, but
was more rapid and dea'ening than any i have
heard heretoiore in the war, exceeding M il
vern Hill and Gaines' Mill by far. in the
middle of this day I atu told that the can
uonuding equalled the roar of lleavin's high :
artillery. The position fron which I saw the
light, at a point near Gen. McCiellan's head
quarters, where the signal corps were work
lug, was a magnificent one for observation of
the entire !i Id 01 fight Not being ucquuin -
eti with the disposition of our own and the
rebel lorces, 1 cannot enter iutodetails of tins
the greatest buttle of modern times, but hope !
to do so at no r- mole hour. I could discern
froui uiy place of observation tlie steady ad
vance of our infantry against the enemy, and
see the loud mouthed ordnance of the rebels
belch forth their missiles of death into their
ranks. 1 could see the steadiness of our troops j
under the mo.-t galling and rapid fire of the 1
enemy, th y inarched forward to njoin new
ground from the enemy. To say that our
men fought well hardly expresses a moiety of
the valoi displayed on this memorable, never
to be forgotten day.
The rebels resisted our first attacks with
their accustomed valor, stueboriiuess and des
peration, and only yielded ground when it was
literally covered with dead and maimed The
artillery on both sides was splendidly worked,
and did terrible execution.
The bulk of the lighting lias been done
with artillery at close range today, and with
terrible ilFct on the rebels. Some brilliant
infantry mat ee ivres have been executed or. the
field by Cur troops during file (lay.
A supporting column has been at hand on
our lines during the entire action This fore
sight of our great General more than once
saved '.lie fortunes of the day from going frith
the rebels when they attacked apparently vul
nerable points in superior force. At one time
a portion of our right wavered under a push
ing charge of the enemy. Cover was gained
near a fence, and the men ordered to fall on
their faces. The enemy's lire passed general
ly harmlessly over the heads of our troops,
when they arose and poured a destructive vol
Icy into their opponents, throwing them iuto
such eun.nsiou that the aftercharge of tiie
supporting column under General Cox efiec
tually finished the work of destruction.
The sounds of war have cease,) h-nz since
in the earlier part, of the night. Tne fi d
whereon was fought this most eventlul light,
as far as 1 have examined if, presents a ghast
ly appearance, viewed by the glare of the flick
ering lights of the sextons o! the battlefield,
who are already at their dreadful, yet humane ,
work. Locked in the embrace of cold, cold j
death, alike lay the bodies of thousands of
Unionists and rebils, foes no longer disputing
at the bayonet's point for the possession o!
tiie soil of old Maryland but a few short hoars
ago. llow calmly, contentedly they repose
now on the hillock side or mountain slope !
What u time for sentiment, when the shrieks
una wails of the wounded fall on my ear,
borne thither by every breeze from the moun
tain. " Let the dead bury their dead." llow
the howling winds carry the wailing cry along .
as it escapes ftom tlie poor maimed soldiers
on the sanguinary field. Methinks I hear its
echoes in Northern and Southern homes, in
the homes by the Green Mountains, or the
magnolia-scented cottages of the sunny South.
A truce to moralizing. Soldier true and
brave, sleep on in your everlasting grave.
•' He has fought his last battle, lie sleeps his last sleep, j
No souuil cau awake him to glory again."
It is certain that the enemy will give us 1
fight again iu the morning, as they cannot
cross the river under our close pursuit. Would
that they would surrender and save further i
effusion of human blood.
To-lay it has pouted rain. The rebels op
pear to gain desperation and stubbornness with
every recurring disaster. If they fight to j
morrow it will be with increased desperation
and stubbornness. This eveuing they retreat- ,
ed rapidly through Sharpsburg, our forces
shelling them us they went.
Just as the shades of evening quickly gath- j
er, large fires are seen iu that direction, light ;
ing the surrounding country with a lurid glare, j
The shells of our artillery have doubtless kin- :
died flames in dwellings and barns, destroying
the fruits of years and months of husband !
men's labor and his happy homestead. I
would that I eould gOj even at this late hour
of the night, exhausted as I am by the fatigue
of the saddle during five days' ride of over two
huudred miles, iuto the details of a struggle,
which the children of my children will read
with interest —details that will be transmitted
from sire to son for many generations. Such
as I am possessed of now are fragmentary and
i a some cases contradictory, and would con
fuse rather than enlighten. Iu the morning
PUBLISHED EVERY THURSDAY AT TOWANDA, BRADFORD COUNTY, FA., BY E. 0. GOODRICH.
r I I will hie again to the scenes and endeavor to
| glean a connected account from the mass of
exciting rumors and statements so prevailing
' in the confusion of the night.
: j As to the fruits of the victory, they arc
bloody indeed—in fact purchased by sufferings
such as are all stoutly contested battles. I
have heard an officer remark, that this is the
only honest battle we have fought—meaning,
I suppose, that all of our officers tried to whip
the rebels.
The conduct of the new troops has been ad
mirable, entitling them to the places that they
have beeu assigned, alongside of the veteran
1 regiments. They have been, as a general tru
-1 ly remarked to-day, " baptized iu blood." The
i ordeal through which they have passed, has
been a fiery one, that would have blancaed
j the checks of veterans of other fields ; and yet •
their valor and prowess have stood the test, j
a id they vindicate and confirm the confidence
our government has eVef had iu her citizen
' soldiery.
An immense number of prisoners have fal
len iuto our hands,how many it is impossible to
! suy. I met them all along the road, and con
j versed with them as they lay in the hospital.
They acknowledge a crushing, overwhelming
, defeat. Ido not think six thousand is too
high an estimate for the number taken in the
fights since Sunday. In some cases whole
regiments fell into our hands.
The enemy's loss in killed and wounded is
frightful Our artillery gave them enfilading
fires, literally sweeping their advancing col
umns, while our infantry charges and fire
caused sad havoc.
Oar loss is quite severe, especially in offi
cers. General and field officers especially fell
victims to the rebel lire, which at times, in
the earlier purt of the day, was very animated
and Well directed Indeed, at one time it
seemed as if the rebels, in a desperate on
slaught, would break our i tie and throw us
into contusion. Thanks to generalship and
strong supports, this was not allowed to be so.
Our loss in yesterday ur.d today's fights
will reach, probably, ten thousand, mostly
wounded—the killed not iu the usual propor
tion.
Tha Objectionable English.
Many respectable writers, yielding to a fond
ness of novelty put words to quite other uses
than 1.-git mutely belong lo litem : ami there
is a strong tendency to laxity in the choice ol
lnngu ge very u:iu*)ing to all who love exact
rioss in English sty le. Chambers' Journal
gives a number of specimens of a careless use
of words :
Aggravate, in the senie of irritate.—
" He aggravated me so much that at last 1
struck him. The least reflection on the ety
ino'ogy as the word is sufficient to show bow
erroneously it is here used. A gentleman
might say ;—' His conduct toward me was
very insolent ; the offence was aggravated by
my having never shown him anything hut
kindness." It is probably from its use in such
a legitimate count ctiou of ideas, that it has at
length come, in loose, common speech, to re
present the words insult and irritate.
Some. " It took the counsel some two hours
to cross-examine the witness."—The proper
woid to he used is" about." ltis rerun.fcuble
that ltaleigh, B.uton, Milton, Addison and
IVior use the word " some" in this objection
able way.
Progress as a verb "We are progressing
favorably." This is a barbarism recently in
troduced frcui America. While such words as
proceed and advance exist it, seemS a pity t'o
adopt a new one out of its old, accustomed
1 sense. Here, too, however, there is not want
ing a ceniun classic sanction, for the word is
used as a verb by Milton,
i Antiquarian as a noun. Antiquarian being
the aojective, it is surely best that we use an
tiquary as the noun, seeing that it is at our
seivice. The language, Iwing varied, is en
riched.
Talented. "Talents," iu the sense of menl&l
abilities, is itself a scarcely legitimate term,
being only adopted figuratively from the word
in the scriptural parable. When used as above
it becomes unbearable. Our language, as it
happens, exhibits a poverty of words for men
tal ability, yet, " gifted" would lie preferable
( to " talented."
" You would wish me to incite you; but I am
not g"i;;g to." " Alarh caught the words he
was not intended to." The sentences give ex
; ainples of au elision which has become very
: common iu the familiar language of the mid
dle classes, and is even creeping iuto print.—
Let it be condemned aud avoided.
Directly , in the sense of when or as soon as
" Diicctly the pot is boiling, take it off the
fire. " The word is here manifestly used in
j wrong relation.
As ve'l, in the sense of ai.-o. " lie was
very angry, aud I was hot as well." This is
another growing grammatical evil much to be
, deprei at d.
" The question lays in a nutshell-." This sen
tance occurred a few days ago in a daily
journal of very high repute, it is au exaui
| pie of a mi.-take very general in convi rsatioa
amongst the middle classes ol the English peo
ple jit is unknown in Scotland] the active
verb lay substituted for the neuter verb lie—
and which most frequently occurs in the pre
terite, as " 1 laid down iu bed,' for " I lay
down," Ac.; or, " I bad scarcely laid down
: iu bed," for " 1 had scarcely lain down," Ac.
Left for departed. Thomas.left this morn
ing at six. In using the word " left," the men
tion of the place departed from is strictly ne
' cessaiy
In this connection "In this connection, we
may also advert lo the present age." Mean
ing, in connection with this fact, or proposi
| tion, or group of ideas. This is a piece of
corrupt phraseology, which seems to have ta
ken its rise in the American pulpit, but is now
. spreading in England.
j ''Those sort of things fi The proper expres
sion to use would be, that sort ot thiDgs, or
things of that kind.
"John, whom she said was looking another
way." This is an example of a direct breach of
" REGARDLESS OF DENUNCIATION FROM ANY QUARTER."
grammer not uufrequently seen in books. The
rila ive pronoun (who,) to govern the verb
" was looking ;" the words " she said" being
parenthetical.
Party, for person. " I a>ked Thomas tf he
had long known that party, refering to a gen
tleman formerly seen iu Thomas's coaqmny."
This vulgarism seems to have taken its rise iu
the counting houses and exchange, where, be
ing first used legitimately with regard to indi
viduals in a bargain, it has at length come to
us employed as a general term for au individ
ual or person. It onght to be sternly repress
ed.
To these specimens of improper English
may be added a specimen of improper Scotch.
The word " canny " is constantly used ic Eng
land as a Scotch word, appropriate to a low
prudence or roguish sagacity, which Southern
people are pleased to attribute to their North
ern kinsfolk. Now, if Englishmen feel them
selves entitled to use terms of obloquy regad
ing the morals of their neighbors, let them do
it in correct language. The word "canny'' iu
reality, means gentle, innocent, propitious,
and has no connection whatever with either
cunning or prudence.
"The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers."
THE HUMOR OF THE WAR.
Mr. Newell, whom it is no breach of faith
to name as the writer of the " Orpheus C.
Kerr Papers," has struck an original vein of
humor, and works it with decided effect. The
war has given birth to no more amusing
book than this.
Under date of Washington, April, 1861,
" Orpheus" gives his opinion ol the Rebels iu
this
" COMPREHENSIVE ESTIMATE."
The chivalrous South, iiy boy, has taken
Fort Sumter,and oi.lv wants to be "let alone."
Some things of a Southern sort [ like, my boy;
Southdown mutton is fit lor the gods aud
Soutiisidu particular is liquid sunshine for the
heart • but the whole country is growing
tired of new South wails bolero this, and my
present comprehensive estimate of all there is
of D x e may be summed up in twelve straight
lines, under the general heading of
it; ruiHA rioy.
Wat!) a laarsc-.l palnftetto a f nilhernor s-.it,
At i>t!-ig lite ititl ot hi? Panama hat,
And trying to lighten his mind ot a load,
Uy liuinming the words of the following ode :
! for a nigger, and oh ! for a whip !
Oh ! for a cocktail, and oh ! tor a nip ;
Oh ! lor a shot O' .-ely and Beecher ;
Oh ' for a crack at a Yankee school teacher.
Ol) ! for a captain, and oh ! tor a ship,
Oh! for a cargo of niggers each trip.
Aud so he kept oh ing for all that he had not,
Not contented with owing for all that he'd got.
These " twelve straight lines" are worthy
of Hood.
litre is a fair hit at the way in which the
recruiting service was coudmted iu tiie early
stages of the war :
RECRUITING.
The Calcium Light, regiment was recruited
at great expense in New York, aud went into
camp on Hiker's Island, until Secretary Cam
eron ordered his colonel to bring hiui on im
mediately for the defence of Washington.—
The regiment, has three officers, and will elect
the other as soon as his voice is strong enough.
He says that he is a regiment of 1,000 men ;
he says that 1,000 is simply the figure 1 and
three ciphers, and that he represents the 1,
and his three officers the three ciphers.
1 believe liiin, my boy !
Yiliiam Biown, of Regiment 5, Mackerel
Brigade, asked his colonel last week for leave
to go to New-York on recruiting service, and
got it. He catne back to-day, and says the
colonel to him :
" Yv here's your recruits ?"
Villiam smiled sweetly, and remarked that
lie didn't see it.
" Why, you went to New York on recruit
ing service, didu't you ?' exclaimed the colo
nel.
" Yes," says Villiam, " 1 went to recruit
tuy health."
The colonel immediately administered the
oaili to him. The oath, my boy, tastes well
with lemon in it.
A DEFIANCE TO GREAT BRITAIN.
The General of the Mackerel Brigade is no
friend to England, lie is reported to have
made this strong speech :
" We have borne with Great Britain a
great while, My boy ; but it is now time for
us take Canada, and wipe every vestige of
British tyranny from the face of the globe.—
The American eagle, my boy, flaps his dark
wiugs over the red head of buttle, and as his
scarlet ejes rest for a moment on the English
custom house, he softly whispers—he simply
remarked —he merely ejaculates—Gore !
" Americans 1 fellow-citizens ! foreigners 1
and people of Boston 1 shall we longer allow
the bloated British aristueracy to blith us
with base abolition proclivities, while Mr.
Seward is capable of holding a peu ?
" Ilail, blood and tbunder ! welcome, gentle Gore,
Let the loud bewgag shatter every shore !
Ilish to the zenith let our eagle liy,
Ten thousand battles blazing in his eye ?
Nail our proud standard to the Northern Pole,
Plant patent-earthquakes in ea h oreign hole !
Shout havoc, murder, victory and spoils,
Till all creation crouches in our toils !
Thou, when the world to our behest is bent,
And takes the Herald for its punishment,
We'll pin our banner to a commet's tail.
And shake the heavfens with a big " ALL HAIL 1"
" That's the spirit'of America, my boy, ta
ken with a nutmeg on top uud a hollow straw.
Very good for invallids."
The following are amusing bits :
A MODEL PROCLAMATION.
Finding himself master of the situation,
Captaiu Yiliiam Brown called the solitary
chivalry to him and issued the following proc
lamation :
" Citizeus of Accomac ! I come among you
not as a incendiary and assassin, but to heal
wounds aud be your long-lost father. Several
of the happiest mouths of my life were not
spent in Accomac, and your affecting hospital
ity will make me more than jealonslv-walehful
| of liberties and the pursuit of happiness. (See
' the constitution.)
" Citizen of Accomac ! These brave men
of whom I am a spectator are not your ene
mies ; they are your brothers, and desire to
embrace you in fraternal bonds. They wish
to be considered your guests, and respectfully
invite you to observe their banner of our com
mon forefathers. In proof whereof I estab
lish the following orders :
"I. If any niggers come within the lines
of the United States Army to give informa
tion, whatsomever, of the movements of the
enemy,the aforesaid shall have his head knock
ed off, and be returned to his lawful owner,
according to the groceries and provisions of
the fugitive slave ack. (See the constitu
tion )
"11. If any chickens or defenceless object
belonging to the South be brought within the
lines ol the United States Army, by any nig
ger, his heirs, administrators and assigns, the
aforesaid shall have his tuil cut off, and be
sent back to his rightful owuer at the expenses
of the Treasury Department.
" 111 Any soldier found guilty of shoot
ing the Southern Confederacy, or bothering
him in any manner whatsomever, the same ;
shall be deemed guilty of disorderly conduct, j
and be prououueed an accursed abolitionist. j
" VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire,
" Captain Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade, com- j
manding Accomac."
DIGGING OUT REGIMENTS FROM THE MUD. J
The mud at present inclosing the Mackeral j
Brigade is unpleasant to the personal feelings ,
of the corps, but the effect at a distance is j
unique. " As you survey that expanse of
mud from Arlington Heights," continued j
Captain Bob Shorty, " with the veterans of ,
Ihe Mackerel Brigade waiding about in it up ■
to their chins,you arc forcibly reminded of a
limitless plum-pudding, well stocked with ani
mated rai.-ins."
" My friend," says I, " the comparison is
apt, aud reminds me of Shakespeare's happier
efforts. But tell me, my Blades, has the
dredging for those missing regiments near
Alexandria proved successful ?"
Captain Bob Shorty, shook the mire from
his ears and then soys he :
" Two brigades were excavated this morn
ing, and are at, present building a raft to go
down to Washington after some soap. Let
us not utter complaints agaiust the mud," con
tinued Captain Bob Shorty, reflectively, " for
it lias served to develope the genius of New-
Eugland. We dug out a Yankee regiment
from Boston first,and the momeDt those wood
eu nutmeg chaps got their breath, they went
to work at the mud that had almost suffocat- |
ed them, miked up some spoiled Hour with it,
and are now making their eternal fortunes by
peddling it out for patent cement.''
THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ON
M'CLELLAN.
It pleases me greatly to announce, my boy, j
that the Genera! of the Mackerel Brigade
believes in MeClellan, and gorgeously defends
him against the attacks of that portion of the
depraved press which has no friends dying of
old age iu the Army of the Potomac.
" Thunder I" says he to Capt. Bob Shorty,
stirring the oath in his tumbler with a tooth
brush, " the way little Mac is devoting him
self to the military squelching of this here un
natuuil rebellion is actually outraging his phis
ical nature. He reviews his staff twice a day,
goes over the river every live minutes,studies in
ternational law six hours before diuner, takes
soundings of the mud every time the dew falls,
and takes so little sleep that there's twoinches
of dust on one of his eye balls. Would you ;
bel eve it, 'says the General,placing a tumbler j
over his nose to keep off a fly, " his devotion I
is such that his hair is turning gray aud will 1
probably dye !"
Captuin Bob Shorty whistled. I do not ]
mean to say that be intended to be musically
satirical, my boy, but if I should hear such a
canary bird remark after I'd told a story,
somebody would go home with his eyes done
up iu rainbows.
A TAKE OFF.
* * * "Read that ere Napoleon
ic dockyment," says Villiam, handing mo a
scroll. It was as follows :
" KDICK —Having noticed that the press of
the United States of America is making a ass
of itself, by giving information to the enemy
concerning the best methods of carrying on
the strategy of war, I do hereby assume con
trol of all special correspondents, forbidding
them to transact anything but private busi
ness ; ueither they, nor their wives, nor chil
dren, to the third and fourth generation.
"I. It is ordered that all advice from edi
tors to the War Department, to the General
Commanding, or the generals commanding the
armies in the field, be absolutely forbidden ;
as such advice is calculated to make the Unit
ed States of America a idot.
" 11. Any newspaper publishing any news
whatever, however obtained, shall be excluded
from all railroads and steamboats, in order
that country journals, which receive the same
uews during the following year, may uot be in
jured cirkylatioo.
" 111. This control of special correspondents
does not include the correspondent of the Lon
dou Times, who wouldn't by believed if he pub
lished all the news of the uext Christia era.—
By order of VILLIAM BROWN, Eskevire,
" Captaiu Conic Section Brigade."
A WARRIORS St'F.ECH.
On reaching Accomac, my boy, we found
Captain Villiam Brown at the head of the
Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade, dress
ed principally in a large sword and brass but
ton*, and takiog the altitude of the suo with
a glas9 instrument operating by means oi a
bottle.
"Ah 1" says Villiam, " you are just in time
to hear my speech to the sons of Mars, previ
ou3 to the capture of Manasas by the United
States of America."
Hereupon Villiam motmted ademijobu laid
lengthwise, and says he :
" Fellow-Anacondas : Having been inform
ed by a gentleman who has spent two week
at Manassas, that the Southern Coufederaci
has gone South for its health, i have eouclud
VOL. XXIII. —isro. 17.
Ed that it is time to be offensive. Tho great
Anaconda, having eluded Barnum, i 8 about to
move on the enemy's rear :
" ' Rear aloft your peaks, ye mountings.
Rear aloft your waves, 0 sea!
Rear your sparkling crests, ye founllngi,
For my love's come back to me,'
The day of inaction is past, and now the United
States of America is about to swoop dowa
like au exasperated eagle on the chickens left
by the hawk. Are you ready, my saga mom
reptiles, to spill a drop or so for your soaking
country ? Are you ready to rose up M one
man ?
" ' The rose is red,
The wi'lets blue,
Sugar is sweet, and
Bully for you.'
" Ages to come will look down on this day
and say : ' They died young' The Present
! will reply :' I don't see it but the present
j is just the last thing for us to think aboot.—
Richmond is before us, and there let it remain.
We shall take it in a few years :
" It may be for years and it may be forever,
Then why art thou ailent, 0 pride of me heart V
which is poickry. I hereby divide this hero
j splendid urmy into oue corpse dammt, aud take
i command of it."
At the conclusion of this thrilling oration,
my boy, the corpse damme formed itself into a
hollow square, iu the centre of which appeared
i a mail clud ambulance.
THE CAPTURE OF MANASSAS.
| Onward moved the magnificent pageant to*
i ward the plains of Manassas, the Anotomicai
Cavalry beiug in advance and the Mackerel
Brigade following closely after,
j Arriving on the noted battle field, we found
! nothing but a scene of desolation ; the Rebels
! gone ; the masked batteries gone j and noth
i ing left but a solitary daughter of the sunny
| South, who cursed us for invading the peace
ful homes of Virginia, and theu tried to sell
us stale milk at six shillings a quart.
When Captain Villiam Brown surveyed
this spectacle, my boy, his brows knit with
portentous anger, and says he :
" So much for wasting so much time. Ah I"
says Villiam, clutching convulsively at his
cautceD, " we have met the enemy, and they
are hours—ahead of us."
IRRITATING THE SOUTH.
Like four-aud twenty thunder-storms, tha
howitzers roared together, and bad not the
Orange county veterans forgotten to put In
any balls, there is reason to belieVe that some
windows would have been broken Another
discbarge, however, was more successful, as it
knocked the top oft' the chimney.
The Southern Confederacy appeared at tht
wiudow again, and says he :
" If you fellows don't quit that racket down
there you'll irritate me pretty soon."
* * * " Mr. Davis," says Samyule to
the Confederacy at the window, " it we do not
irritate you, will you consent to be reconstruct
ed ?"
" Reconstructed ?" says the Confederacy,
thoughtfully; "reconstructed I Ah I" say,
be, " you mean, will I consent to be born
again ?"
" Yes," says Samyllle, metaphysically; " Wilt
yon consent to be borne again, as we have
borne with you heretofore ?"
The Confederacy thought awhile, and then
says he i
" Consider me reconstructed."
As thut was all the constitution asked, of
course there was no more to be done, and the
Orange County Howitzers returned to their
original position in the mire—the English gen
tlemau remarkiug that the appearance and
discipline of our troops wefe satisfactory to
Albion.
Fighting, accordiug to the constitution, my
boy, is such an admirable way of preventing
carnage that some doctor ought to make out
a patent fcr it as a cheap medicine.'*
A dog at Hertford England, lately
picked a ten pound note from the mud, aud
after drying it by the stove, ptit it into ht4
master's hand. This is very well for Hertford!
but we kuow a dog that is accustomed to go
every day to get a pennyworth of meat, which
is scoped against him, and oue day seeing tha
butcher make two marks instead of one, he
did not seem to notice it, but watching bis
opportunity, seized a double amount, aud ran
home with it iu a great state of glee.
Passably intelligent ; but there Is a New
foundland dog in Biootnington that knows a
trick worth two of that. His master recent
ly gave him a basket, and said : "Carlos, take
that ba?ket and go to market." The dog trot*
tedjoff aud seized a paint brush, and commenc
ed illustrating the basket with beautiful stripes.
" What are yod doing, Carlos,to the barket V
yelled the dog owner. " I'm going to mark
it," quieliy replied Carlos.
Kay " Biddy," said a lady, "I wish yoa
would step over and see how old Mrs. Jones
is this morning." Iu a few miudtes Biddy re
turned, with the information that Mrs. Jones
was just seventy-two years, seven months and
two days old.
The following slanderous paragraph
goes unrebuked: A wag has invented a uew
telegraph. He proposes placing a line of
women thirty steps apart, and commonicat#
: the uews to the first of them as a secret.
The latest news from the West is that
the rebels bod blockaded the Ohio river at
Hamilton, nine miles below Risig Buo, Indiana,
stopping the passage of boats from Louisville.
At Muufordsville Colonel Wilder was still hold
ing out gallautly againts the rebels. He had
been reinforced, as had the enemy also, it was
said, by Generals Polk and Buckner, Tbelr
force is estimated at twenty-five thousand.—
General Duel was reported at Dripping Springs
on Mondaymorniog ; and it was said on Toes
day that he had got op to the fight and waa
then engaged.
g©- An army should always be ready for
uiarchiDg orders by keeping itself in marching
i order.