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iGail Bamilton Describes at Length
Her Attempts at Esthetic
HOUSEKEEPING IN THE TEOPICS.
Ferdinand, Miranda and Ariel Earing a
TODIE THE SWATIXG ALGAEOBA TEEES
rwKrrrKS fob ths cisrATCn.1
So the tempest is over, the kings and the
dukes are gone, the rightful heir is in pos-
session and the trouble now is -with my
household gods and the fire onmyhearthl
I am all frivolity and leathers!
Poor Ferdinand! I know it I sometimes,
yes, often, think I am not half good enoueh
for him; bnt I try, and think I do improve
a little, little by little, and anyway I take
good care of Ariel. I am sure of that. She
grows strong on her feet yes, she my
tricksy sprite like to a nymph o' the sea
ay delicate ArieL To-day she stood on tip
toe to kiss Eerdinand'a picture and then
came quite across the room to kiss mamma
too before I knew what she was about, and
when I arrayed her for breakfast in the
lovely Qretchen gown, she was wise enough
to bedelighted with herself. The truth is
the looked just a beauty and I could hardly
eat for watching her. All the men were
charmed at her coquettish way of smiling
shyly at them and even our dear old ogre
was fairly bowled over into exclaiming
"Well, well, if you aren't sweet this morn
ing!" Worthless I may be, but I am at least
come to the right place. In these summer
- isles of Eden lying in dark purple spheres
of sea and in pink and green and a thou
sand colored spheres of sea, people enjoy
themselves. It is their business. They sit
quietly and let the full beauty of the
scenery impress itself upon them. Even the
usual 'enthusiasm is abandoned, and only
the look of complete happiness tells the
blessed enjoyment of pure air and perfect
sunshine such sunshine as we never see at
home a cool wind blowing over the moun
tains and the grass like velvet. It is the
dry season, but it rains every day not like
American rain, tor it is either a flood or
elsea pretty affectation of a shower out of a
clear sky, a dainty little dimpling Ariel of
a shower! I do not wonder that many,
many Americans who come here are so
fascinated by the climate that they never
care to return to the States, though, as I
write, the mosquito rages and an occasional
flea, or one or two cockroaches, generally
give a little tone to the occasion. But every
"thing is so deliciously fresh and green that
twhen the cool breeze blows there is little
(left to be desired. The thermometer is
'nothing to go by. It sticks at 85 degress,
)and hades itself would have no effect upon
it. Miss Clare last evening spoke regretfully
iof missing the twilights. I think folks
must have to hunt for things to complain of!
THE HEAVENLY HOLOKUS.
"Missing the twilight," when each day's
decline is made a lovely, lingering exhibi
tion of rarest color in a pale bine sky !
Superb color pieces every evening, and at
dawn a magnificence in the east that is
never to be fully grasped by one who has no
baoy, and so probably never sees the dawn.
Just at this moment a glance shows me
through the branching semang tree a vision
of loveliness, the green mountain "Tan
talus" seen over the swaying algaroba trees
in the foreground, and a mist of rain blown
in from sea by the winds, clear sunshine
overhead. Miss Clare, who ravished my
susceptible heart with her lovely dress
white, with corn-colored ribbon sash, a
lovely white hat with corn-colored flowers,
and white gloves. I do not see but people
dress as well here as in the States, which
speaks volumes for foreign missions. Good
clothes are good Christianity, as far as they
go. I should like a haft-dozen holokus
and eight or ten frilled and fluted
and laced and hand-embroidered white
gowns, and then I could keep clean, per
haps. It takes lots of clothes to keep decent
here, and more than lots to look well. I
shall be said to be "slangy," because I say
"lots." If I say "loads" it will be quite
the correct. thing; but there is no moral or
aesthetic, or any but a capricious, difference
between lots and loads, wherefore it takes
lots of clothes. But I shall never cease to
feel a profound respect for the Kanaka
character, because of the tenacity with
which they cling to their heavenly holokus.
It was surely a stroke of cosmicai genius to
hit upon that comfortable compromise be
tween the costumes of the torrid and the
temperate zones. Still, Jeremy Taylor
would not have said, "Going out were never
so good, but staying home were better," if
he had seen Miss Clare talking climate in
the climatic harmonies of her costume.
As for work, there is verv little done.
Even washing day is like a &ew England
picnic in this blissful country. Eia, guilt
less of shoes and stockings and arrayed in a
calico Mother Hubbard, carries her tin tubs
out to the brookside under the spreading
greenwood tree, and draws water from a pipe
nearby by means of the hose; and there she
stands all day leisurely rubbing away in
the nice cold water, throwing it down the
hank into the mountain stream when she
wishes to draw more.
TVOKU IS A PLEASTJBE.
I think I work as hard as anyone. Workl
as if I ever did anything else. The prevail
ing fiction relative to my drone-like exist
ence is no longer to be received. I work,
and ceaselessly. I am always busy, writ
ing, reading, mending, marketing and ever
lastingly attending to the teething and colic
Ariel, tricksy sprite, makes work, but does
none; always has a spell of something when
she suspects me of any design in the way or
writing. I presume the present "rush of
business" may be a sort of providential
veDgeance wreaked on me "because of the
past years of wilful enjoyment; bnt I don't
care. I am glad I had a good time once,
even at the expense of the present vaccina
tion and all the rest
"Well, and with all of it I neier, no neter,
had such a good time as I am having now.
I believe italics are womanish, so I will
keep at it; and a "good time" is distinc
tively American as against English; there
fore I love it, as Browning did his star. We
are under our own vine and oleander bushes,
and we are just about the happiest creatures
alive. It is quite "sweet simplicity" style,
very comfortable and only a little disreputa
ble. The house is built on stilts, about six
feet above the ground, with a lattice-work
ritticoat. There is a barn somewhere, but
have not seen it, and we have hens, be
longing to the neighbors, it is true, butthey
lay their eggs under our house, so what is
the odds, and when they begin to respect
property rights I shall buy some hens of my
own. The rooms are of good size, and the
big yard is a park of algaroba trees beauti
ful, feathery trees, which somewhat Tesem
ble our willows, though not suggestive of
sorrow, like weeping willows. If we think
of trees like Buskin, the algaroba all might
be some wayward, frolicsome, winsome lassie,
so cheery do they look, tossing their light,
graceful branches low to earth, and again
lifting themselves airily to heaven. They
are the embodiment of all that is ligl,
cheerful and happy. They furnish us with
firewood as well as sentiment, for they grow
rapidly and need a good deal of trimming.
HOUSEKEEPING TJNDEB DIFFICULTY.
We have boueht an ice chest, mc.it raT
and stove of the late occupants, also dining
table, koa and some kitchen utensils, also
the China boy, Ah Chang, who serves as
cook, and serves well. I have sewed like a
house afiie for a week, and am how the
proud possessor of lour table cloths, a lunch
c.oth and doylies, a dozen white napkins,
besides a dozen given me on the way out. a
dozen crash towels and eight glass towels.
Xunch cloths and doylies are a good 510 a
set, so my long cherished conviction that no
housekeeper should be without n dnzpn jtx
, is quietly sat upon (slang), and an ordinary
.red carer does duty instead, wjthao napkins,
in the kingdom to match it, and I bemoan
myself. Oh! why did I not bring "my
things?" Why did I lose the golden oppor
tunity when every opportunity here sizes up
to diamonds in value, and it we don't just
have to come downl
Still it is lovely for Ferdinand apd .me to
sit rocking inelegantly in our own -wicker
rocking chairs in the reception room or par
lor, or one might even call it a drawing
room, if that sounds more grand and
aesthetic, and also costs nothing. And we
have all the other aesthetics what, if it
were not for art. we should call poverty
stricken. Straw matting on the floor,
washed-out papers on the wall, all soTts of
makeshifts christened "effects, my lovely
felt table cover, really pretty though it is
testhetic, lounges and chairs in goldy brown,
f rost-bitten-fern-with-the - western-sun-shin-ing-on-it
brown, scrim, curtains, plain,
lovely quality, hemmed and drawn work
all by hand, to be looped with ribbons of old
gold (when I get the gold!) and all the
decent pictures we can muster. Our bed
room ought to be an elaborate parlor, but
we had not the elaboration, and we wanted
the airy, beautiful room to sleep in and the
view to look at when we awake Punch
Bowl sweeping around Tantalus and Bound
Top, queer and shapely. The sunrises are
beautiful in the mountains. Ohl every
thing is beautiful here. Ariel plays con
tentedly on the veranda all day long. There
are boards up to prevent her from falling
down the steps, so she can do as she pleases,
and in consequence she pleases to be very
happy about it,"
JUST TOO .ESTHETIC.
Wc have nothing testhetic here except the
scrim curtains, which are a good deal scrim
mer than the others, and I made both pairs
and a bran, fire new redwood "Cheffaneer,"
the hnilder called it, but I call it a prettv
tough looking chest of drawers. It is cer
tainly ugly enough to be high art and cost
like everything, in this fair land no not
everything, for each day I buy vegetables
and fruits at such queer little "bits" of
prices. We get all the strawberries we three
aesthetics can eat at a meal for 10 cents, let
tuce for 5, more than we can eat, and a big
bunch of bananas for S.
One dining room is too esthetic for any
thing. It is just Eastlake and Morris to
gether, squared off for a square meal. In
one corner is a sideboard, shabbv but useful,
to be disguised somehow when I get to it,
four dining chairs, homely but 'strong, a
chair for the angel, all the glass, silver and
china necessary to keep us from starving,
'and such a list of groceries! Pickles and
preserves mostly, for wc did not know what
else to begin with and must lay in something
just for the look of the thing.
And now we wish we had ''our things,"
yet know we must wait months for them to
come sailing round the Horn.
Our inestimable blessing is the good Ah
Chang, whom we took with the house, who
cooks plain things nicely. Of course I do
the fancy! ! Jnst fancy! ! ! There, I must
not waste so much ink on exclamations.
Besides, that is a foolish feminine trait.
But if I don't exclaim I shall not puntuate
at all, and I like to make 'em !!!!!!
The iact is, poor Ferdinand, whose house
hold gods are gone out and has no fire on
the hearthstone, is as happy as larks- with
his frivolous, good-for-nothing butterfly
Girl-of-the-Period wife. We are indepen
dent and go-as-you-please and paddle youf
own canoe and all the rest of the slang. But
then we have our periods oi perfect pro
priety. At ihe table it is:
"My dear, can't I help you to some
"Yes, madam, you can."
And then when I sing out in elocutionary
tones. "Ah! Chang!" there is a mildly re
"My dear, the bell!"
And I hasten to retrieve the error by
ringing vigorously in Ah Chang's face, who
seems to appear by magic, being barefooted.
BOOillKG THE T0W2J.
An Arizona Editor Who Docs Not Believe In
OrcrdolDt the Thing.
Detroit Free Frees.
The last issue of the Arizona Kicker con
tained the following:
Explan atoby The absence of our so
ciety column for the last three issues seems
to call for an explanation. If we happened
to made a five-line announcement that Mrs.
Colonel Dash expected her brother-in-law
direct from the California penitentiary on
a certain date, and only a four-line item to
the effect that Mrs. Judge De Soto imported
her bustle direct from Zanibar, there was
an ill-feeling which stirred up the entire
We Boom While the towns about us
have been bragging of their progress, we
"have kept quiet and got in our work with
out kicking up a cloud of dust Brag is
all right in its way.TJut we don't propose to
come out with a double-leaded, scare-head
article every time a citizen hangs a new
front gate. Booms are good enough in
their way, but there must be merit behind
With no disposition to claim this as the
only growing town in Arizona, and with
no desire to kill the growth of rival towns,
we humble call attention to the fact that
since January 1, 14 new saloons, three
poker rooms and four retail tobacco stores
have been opened in this place, and at the
present moment 18 men are engaged in
building a jail capable of accommodating
30 prisoners. We have done this without
any brag or bluster, and we propose to
keep right on in the same quiet fashion,
leaving the outside world to judge foritself
as to where it shall seek new homes and in
vest its capital.
THE EDITOE'S APOLOGL
And He Docs His Best to Explain tho Trcth
Editorial Sauk Haplds (311ns.) Sentinel.
We apologize for mistakes made in all
former issues and say they were inexcusa
ble, as all an editor has to do is to hunt
news, and clean the rollers, and set tvpe,
and sweep the floor, and pen short items
and fold papers, and write wrappers, and
make the paste, and mail the papers1, and
talk to visitors, and distribute type, and
carry water, and saw wood, and read the
proofs, and correct the mistakes, and hunt
the shears to write editorials, and dodge the
hills, and dun delinquents and take cuss
ings from the whole lorce, and tell our sub
scribers we need money.
We say that we've no business to make
mistakes while attending to these little mat
ters, and getting onr living on gopher tail
soup flavored with imagination, and wear
ing old shoes and no collar, and a patch on
our pants, obliged to turn a smiling coun
tenance to the man who tells us our paper
isn't worth $1 anyhow, and that he could
make a better one with his eyes shut.
Tommy (who has been brought in to call
on the revolutionary centenarian) Did
George "Washington kiss her?
His Mjother Xes, deaf.
Tommy Well, if he didn't lie about it
be vu a bLaned tnnl rvtMrr J" r-
Their Recklessness, andContenipt
for Danger Fills the World's Eye.
THE LATEST FOOLHARDY FEAT.
A Cincinnati Boy Plunges From the Highest
Bridge in America,
285 FEET, INTO 12 FEET OF WATER
rCOBRESPOXDEXCEOJ' TUX DISPATCH.
Cincinnati, April 27. There are some
practical minded people who have ques
tioned the utility of that fatal ambition
which prompted Longfellow's young man
to go up higher with his Excelsior banner.
Some of them even execrate the young
woman who made an honest living at coun
try fairs all over this broad land last sum
mer by climbing into the empyrean in a
balloon, and then sliding earthward on a
parachute. They say it was a pity that
Steve Brodie did not break his neck instead
of his ribs when he made the champion leap
of his life from Poughkeepsie bridge last
November; and when Prof. Odium was
taken out of the water of East river, dead,
after his jump from Brooklyn hridge, their
verdict was "served him right."
But the time has come when the most un-enthusiasticfclevel-head
must admit that
these leckless and dangerous feats are yield
ing a utilitarian harvest of wholesome fear,
coupled with admiration, in the minds of
foreign governments for a country which
The Scene of the Jump.
produces in such numbers people who will
risk death for fame or notoriety.
When Mr. Bayard gathered; the slack of
Sackville-West's trousers in one hand and
his coat collar in the other and heaved him
beyond seas into the bosom of Mother En
gland, the British lion was astounded; but
instead of making a fuss about it he roared
as gentlv as any suckling dove; the popu
lar verdict being that a nation which could
produce the parachute voider, (at about that
date the latest American sensation in Lon
don) had a right, through the might of its
Undoubted courage, to be decisive and flat
footed in diplomatic matters.
EXCITED THE BBITISHEBS.
No one who was present at one of Bald
win's parachute descents in England last
summer needs to be told what a sensation
they created among the phlegmatic natives.
The first descent made there this, year was
made the other day by a Cincinnati man,
Mr. C. W. Williams, and a copy of the
London Sporting Life just received gravely
chronicles the fact 'that nothing will satisfy
the spectators but that Mr. Williams shall
have a gold medal.
It is because of the new reputation which
Jonathan is acquiring, as an individual and
a nation, for absolute contempt for personal
danger that Bismarck has pulled in his
horns and practically relinquished plans
which all the world knows he had ma
tured for the seizure of Samoa.
Great oaks from little acorns grow, and
last Saturday's London Spectator is au
thority for the statement according to a
cablegram that the iearlessuess and gener
osity exhibited by a crew of American sea
men have washed away all traces of bitter
ness that the Sackville incident left in
British minds. These men were the crew of
the Trenton. As the British man-of-war
Calliope worked her way in the face of the
late disastrous tornado ont of the harbor of
Apia into the open sea, which was her only
chance, she passed the disabled Trenton,
and to the surprise of her officers and al
most disheartened crew she was greeted with
a cheer from the whole force on the doomed
ship. That cheer, under the circumstances,
was an evidence of a courage that knows no
fear of death, and the Britons know it.
Hear what a late issue of the London Tele
graph says: ,
"Consider the scene, and the matchless hero
ism and generosity of this Yankee crew. Al
most sure of instant death themselves, they
could see the Queen's ship fighting the hurri
cane, and appreciate the gallantry of the effort
with the generous pleasure of true marines.
Wexlo not know in all naval records any sound
which makes a finer music upon the ear than
the cheer of the Trenton's men. It was dis
tressed manhood greeting triumphant man
hoodthe doomed salutjng the saved. It was
pluckier and more human than any cry raised
upon tho deck of a victorious hue of battle
ship. It never can be forgotten, never must be
forgotten, by Englishmen speaking of Ameri
cans, That dauntless cheer to the Calliope
was the expression of an Immortal courage."
BEATS THESI ALL.
To come from the contemplation of a sub
lime scene like this, to the antics of a boy
who jumps into space for the mere reckless
determination to beat the world, involves,
of course, a drop; but that the boy has cour
age developed in as high a degree as the sea
men noted above no one will deny.
"If the man really jumped from High
bridge into the Kentucky river, he has
beaten us all by 60 feet; and whenever he
wants to do it again, he can make $1,000 by
it," is the remark with which Steve Brodie,
of New York, met the news that he is no
longer the champion plunger of ihe world.
A hundred miles south of Cincinnati, on
the line ot the Cincinnati, Kew Orleans and
Texas Pacific Bailway, one of the most won
derful monuments to the skill of American
engineers spans the Kentucky river. It is
the highest bridge in America. Looked at
from a distance it1 is a mere spider web.
! thrown across a chasm between two lime-
l .. Li-ir- -J i-j l
Stone uiuiis, uuu buppurieu uy tupenug
masts, which reach down hundreds of feet
to a couple of broad and solid stone piers.
The river is broken above and below by
bowlders of limestone, which jut
above its surface; but immediately
under the bridge's center span a pool
12 feet deep lies black and
quiet At noon on the 11th of April, Mere
dith Stanley, a wood sawyer, 22 years old,
weighing about 115 pounds, and having the
general air of a diffident school boy, jumped
lrom the bridge, fell without a waver from
the perpendicular line assumed at the be
cinninn through 285 teet of air and splashed
like a big stone into the pool. His canvas
shoes rebounded lrom tne river s rocuy oeu,
and when he was taken into n boat on the
surface he coughed up some drops of blood.
In an hour he had recovered from the shock,
and now he is willing to make, the jump
again whenever Mr. Brodie or his backers
see fit to put up $1,000 which they have in
formally offered for a repetition of the
Brodie's greatest lean was from Ponch-
,1 ' ljJ-. -vtJ:-! e ,oUt..vj.
tance of212feet, in which he sustained a
lracture-of two of his ribs. His next high
est was from Brooklyn, bridge, July 23,1880,
148 feet. To the pedestrian who looks from
the swell of the Brooklyn1 bridge, to the
green water far below, it will seem incredi
ble that the Cincinnati laborer could look
calmly down upon a shallow 12-foot pool
twice that distance below him, and then
without a tremor jump down to it.
BEADY TO DO IT AGAIN.
That Stanley made the jump there is no
possibility of doubt, the testimony of the
bridge watchman, as well as that of two
reputable gentlemen Mr. William H.
Jones, of Covington, and Mr. William M.
Johnstonlof this city who witnessed it,
agreeing in every particular; and he seems
to.be insensible to fear, being willing to
perform the feat again, although he de
clares himself positive that it would be cer
tain death for Brodie.
"I am willing to do it for S1.000 again, at
any time," he said, "andjis I never want a
favor that I am unwilling to grant to
others, you may say for me that we will pay
Mr. Brodie himself that amount when he
duplicates the jump and comes up unhurt,
as I did. He may wear shoe-weights- and
body pads, or anything else in that line
that ho maj- wish, while I jumped and will
jump again wearing nothing but a pair
of thin cotton trunks and. canvas shoes.
But as I do not care to' have Brodie's
blood upon my hands, please say for me
that it will be better for him to discard his
shoe-weights, it he accepts my offer, as they
will make him gather such a momentum in
his fall that the 12 feet of water in the Ken
tucky river will hardly check him, and his
legs will certainly be broken by the con
cussion against the" river's bed.
"The fact is, Brodie cannot make that
jump and live. His method of bridge
jumping consists in hanging from the bridge
and then dropping. I am willing to make
a head-first dive, if that should be required;
but no money would tempt me to hang and
drop as Brodie does. He is simply court
"As everybody knows, the dangerous part
of the business comes when we strike the
water, and all that is needed is command of
one's muscles when falling, so as to come
down in a perfect straight line. Brodie de
liberately robs himself of his muscnlar com
mand at the start, when he suspends the
weight of his body from his arms previous
to falling. He goes away from the bridge
as helpless as a falling stone, and should a
current of air displace the center of gravity,
he would strike the water like a log."
H. A. W.
A SOM OF A SHIRT.
The Ravneeg lUndo by Laundries Upon
Men's Underwear Chemicals Used by
tho Chinese Which Hot tho Fabrli A
rwniTTEH FOB TSX DISPATCH.1
Those poor unfortunate individuals who,
like myself, are reduced to the dire necessi
ty of sending their white shirts to the laun
dryI believe someone called it the
"foundry" may have observed the dilapi
dated condition in which they generally re
turn. For sometime I was wont to send my
shirts to the steam laundry. They usually
came back stiffer than buckram and of a
lively cerulean tint, strongly suggestive of
Prussia. Had this been all I could have
endured it. But they also came back as
circumstances might determine with the
one ivory button wrenched off and the
.cloth to which it was sewed torn along with
it.or else one or both sleeves were dislocated
at the shoulder and left hanging by one or
two stitches; or else the back of the shirt
was split, as a sailor would say, "from clew
to earing;" or else the wristband, or necks
were frayed out in such a manner that the
stiff, rough edges cut my hands or neck like
a saw. All this, be it observed, with shirts
new out of the shop. So much for washing
Disgusted with the above state of affairs
I bethought me of trying the natives of the
Celestial empire. I have no prejudice
against the Chinese. For a considerable
time my shirts came back in a state of
tolerable preservation, and I- began to
imagine that my troubles in this direction
wereatan end. Bainbows! Too bright to
last. Like all dreams of happiness on earth,
I found this also vain. The Chinese I find
are becoming civilized, that is to say tbey
have acquired the capacity for looking after
their own interests, to the exclusion of those
of the outside "barbarian." Civilization to
them means supreme selfishness. This way
of looking after their own interests may be
somewhat short-sighted, but that is of no
consequence. After two or three washings
I found that my shirts became so tender that
they would tear when the slightest strain
was put on them. They were like the
Irishman's shirt, "tinder as a chicken for as
quid's 't is." How was this? Mirabile
dictu the Chinese were actually bleaching
my shirts with hypochlorite of lime,
commonly called chloride of lime! How did
I find it out? I sent a white handkerchief
strongly marked with silver marking ink.
When it returned the mark was obliterated.
On examining the spot, I fonnd the mark
converted into chloride of silver, easily re
moved by an appropriate solvent. The
marks on my shirts bad disappeared in a
similar way. The chloride of lime had so
weakened the fiber that it had no tensile
strength. White shirts are usually made of
cotton, all except the breast and wristband,
which arc made of very sleazy linen filled
up with starch. The cotton is more easily
disintegrated by chloride of lime than the
linen. Hence the cotton goes first.
Is there no remedy for this state of af
fairs? Must I wash my own shirts or em
ploy a washerwoman? Or must Tget a
wife? If the latter, of course I shall have
to get a cheap one, since I cannot afford to
purchase an expensive one. Or perhaps
there is some other way out of the difficulty.
De. G. Hat.
TEEDICT IN A HOG CASE.
The Judge's Brief Charge Enoueh to Con.
vlicc the Jurors of Their Dancer.
Brooklyn Eagle, s
Little Judge Waring, of Gravesend, is
noted for the brevity of his charges when he
has a case before a jury, which does not
frequently happen. In his efforts to be brief
ne nas been Known to become obscure. Ac
cording to one of his friends, he had before
him recently a man charged with stealing a
pig. The testimony was taken and Judge
Waring turned to the jurors and charged
them as follows:
"Gentlemen you have heard the eyi
dence. The indictment charges the pris
oner with stealing a pig. This offense seems
to be on the increase lately. The time has
come when it must be put a stop to, other
wise, gentlemen, none of you will be safe."
Ihe'man was convicted.
Only Following Directions.
Irate Hotel Keeper I've caught ;you in
the act! What do you mean by lowering
your luggage, and thin sliding down this
rone to the ground ?
Departing Guest You told mi-yesterday
that if I didn't pay up to-day, you'd fire
me. Well, tberejs a notice 4n .my room
which reads-' "This.rope td be use'd only in
1.U.1 VI-H4S. ""-jr-i ., 1 -
STJNDAT, APKID 38,
PRATING FOR OFFICE.
Tricks Besorted to by Seekers After
Fat Official Positions.
TALE OP A SENATOR'S WIFE'S PUP.
Knowledge of Family History an. Aid to
LIJE HAIPOED THE COMING HUMOBIST
ISrSCUI. TXLZGBAU TO Till DISPATCH.!
Washington, D. 0., April 27. "I
never in my life felt the wisdom of being a
praying man until Ihe other day," said one
Of the thousand office seekers who are in
the city to me yesterday. "You see," he
went on, "down in Arkansas we do more
shooting than praying, -especially In poli
tics, and its generally more effective. Over
in Georgia it's the other way. Senator Col
quitt comes from that State, you know, and
he can give your man "Wanamaker points
in the game and lay him out cold. Well,
maybe you've met Bill Brown, who wanted
a postoffice down in Georgia. He can beat
all creation praying when heLjince gets
started, and has something particular to
gain by it. There were two or three other
iellojrs after the place, and they had as
good or better backing than he had, and it
looked as though Bill would be knocked out.
One dayat the White House he happened
to catch the President when he wasn't
pushed by the gang for a few minutes, and
he cleverly turned the subject from office
seeking to church matters. It cropped ont
in a moment that he belonged to the same
denomination as Harrison, and the Presi
dent was interested at once and began to
ply him with questions in regard to the con
dition of the church in the South. Just as
Bill was getting warmed up the game was
interrupted by the entrance of a new player;
but the President was so anxious to hear the
end of Bill's yarn that he actually asked
him to call that evening and have a long
talk about church affairs in the South.
AN OFFICE SEEKEB'S SCHEME.
"You can bet Bill was on hand, and he
entertained Mr. Harrison in great style for
an hour or two. When he thought it was
about time to go he suddenly broke out
with immense religious fervency: 'Brother
Harrison, I am told you have family pray
ers morning and evening, and nothing
would give me so much satisfaction as to
join you before I go.' Of course Harrison
could not object, and the game was started.
The whole family was there, except the ba
bies, who had been put to bed, and Bill
was asked to lead. He made a grand bluff
at first jump, and played some passage in
the Bible that contained the words, 'What
soever ye ask in my name it shall be given
you,' and then he chose the hymn most ex
pressive of his feelings, 'Plunged in a gulf
of dark despair,' and then they all got
down on their knees, and from what Bill
tells me he made the greatest effort of his
life. Of course he wouldn't be so profane
as to repeat his prayer, but it must've been
a corker, for from that moment he had a
sinch on the postoffice, and a few days after
got the appointment"
THE SEKATOE'S PUP.
"I know one which is pretty near as good
as that," said another office seeker, who had
listened to the Arkansaw Traveler's story.
"Yon know Senator Blank; well, a friend
of mine had to have his backing for a place,
but the Senator had another man. My
friend went there time after time to per
suade the Senator that it wodld be to his in
terest to espouse his cause, but the Senator
couldn't see it,and my friend was in despair.
Every time he went there a high bred little
dog,4he,jet of the Senator's wife,. would
come. into the reception room and jump up
in his lap. He hated dogs, but he didn't
dare to kick the phist out of the room, be
cause, you know, an office seeker's got to
take anything, even from a dog. One day
he heard the Senator's wife give instruc
tions to the boy in the hall to be careful not
to allow the dog to escape from the house,
as she would rather her husband would lose
the Senatorship than that she should lose
A HAPPT THOUGHT.
"A bright idea struck my friend. The
dog was one of these little things, no bigger
than a minute, and as my friend went out
he stuck the phist in his overcoat pocket,
and carried it off to his room. The next
morning he saw in ihe papers an advertise
ment oflering a large reward for the recov
ery of the animal. When he called that
day he found the Senator's house in mourn
ing. Buttons had been discharged from
tending door, detectives had been employed,
and the city was being scoured for the dog.
He said nothing. The following day he
called with the pup, .inquired for the Sena
tor's wife, told a romantic story of how he
had in his anxiety about his appointment
wandered down into the dismal region of
Murder Bay, and had there recognized her
dog in possession of an evil looking negro,
and by paying liberally had got it back.
Mrs Blank was bo overjoyed that she wept,
and, what was more interesting, protested
that anything myfriend wanted in the way
of an office he should have, or else she would
apply for a divorce from her husband; and
you can bet my friend used the situation for
all it was worth. He got the office he
wanted and the other fellow had to take an
HE KKEW HIS MAK.
"Well," said another bystander, "if your
friend had known all about the Senator's
family history he might have played an
other game. There's young Elton, whojives
in the Senator's district, and wanted a law
clerkship in the departments. He called
on the Senator and sent in his oar J.
" 'If I am not mistaken, you are a son of
my father's old friend, Judge Elton,' said
the Senator when they met.
" 'Yes,' said young Elton.
" 'I am very" glad to meet you,' said the
Senator. 'What can I do to make your stay
" 'Well, Senator, the fact is, I am after
an office, and I want your assistance. I re
member a great service my father rendeied
to yours once, and I thought you might be
able to reciprocate.'
"The Senator flusbed, hesitated a moment
and said: 'I will do anything you ask,' and
voung Elton cot the office within a few
days, for, you know, Senator Blank can get-
anytnmg ne wants lrom -the president.
Young Elton's, father had defended the
Senator's father in a case of depositors
against a bank of which he was President,
and which had failed under peculiar cir
cumstances, and had actually prevented,
through the law's delays, the imprisonment
oftheold man for illegal nse of the bank's
deposits. It's a nice thing to know your
THE EETOBT COUETEOUS.
On "the row" there is one of the wildest
Bohemians of the press it has ever been
my lot to .meet. He stops at nothing. He
will greet a President or a Prince as famil
iarly as he would a fellow of the quill. If
snubbed, he accepts with such good humor,
and often gives such a direct cut in return,
that no one can feel offended with him for
very long. , The other evening he called at
the residence of one of the new officials of
the administration, a high official withal
and a vain one withal, and one whose orig
inally swelled head had assumed an im
measureably additional expansion the mo
ment he received his appointment. The
sprigof Bohemia unconsciously entered the
arlor with a cigar in his mouth. The. em
ndiment of dignity looked at him a mo-.
men in speechless indignation, and then
"Are you not aware, sir, that It Isfiot
mc iiivfM miuij w smoKC iuu gentleman
Quick as a flush, the Bohemian took In
ilia mlfnniinn anrl anarfttraA a. Iim IiIa... 1im
.,w W..VIH..VU mu Milan wsu.ua flO UJOtT .1TO
Smoke from his mouth; "Perfectly, slrV I
nevsrdo." ... , - . -!
TheVetort was such a crusher that lie
official invited the young man to sit down,
and meekly told him all he knew.
A COMING HUMOBIST,.
" 'Lije Halford will come forth from the
White House a humorist of the press, four
years from upw, when the whirligig of time,
brings about another change of administra
tion." said one of the quill-drivers of "the
row this morning. "Didn't you ever
notice that he has the build of the profes3
sional humorist? Look how sad he Is con
tinually, As Dickens said of Paul Dombey
'when that ronnf trp.ntl&man Tea nt awnv
to school, he looks as though he had taken
life unfurnished and the uphol
sterers were never coming. Paul
would have been the funny man
of Punct if he had lived, that is admitting
it to bepossible that by any mistake Punch
should secure the services of a funny man.
Lije is sure to blossom out as soon as he
gets back to the sanctum. He has the
divine melancholy -nhich make the whole
country laugh as it is embodied in Bill Nye.
The grave atmosphere of the White House
is all that is necessary to complete his train
ing, The sombreness of things there, the
profound seriousness with which the drollest
and most grotesque things political are
taken, must awaeen the latent sense of
humor that dwells in melancholy men, and
which, once awakened, sheds its genial
efflorescence over all that is hnman. Such
environments must inevitably produce
such result." E. W. L.
PITTSBURG TO SEND 1,000.
ShoWHI Contribute One-Third of the Chil
dren for the Inaugural Jubilee Blore
Teachers Going to Pnrin.
Pittsburg will not send a very large quota
of school children to the Washington In
augural celebration next Tuesday at the
Allegheny Parks. Less than 1,000 is the
estimate. This number will be supple
mented by 2,000 children from Allegheny.
As far as the Pittsburg school children are
concerned, their experience at the Allegheny
County Centennial, and the distance for many
of the schools, are responsible for the limited
number who will take part in Tuesday's cele
bration. The 1,000 who will go will be quite gayly ac
commodated. They are all to meet at the
corner of Sixth and Liberty streets, where
there will be decorated vehicles to receive
them. The procession is to be headed by the
Great Western Band, thence to tbe parks.
Should the weather be unfavorable there will
be no exercises by the children. The Pittsburg
children will wear badges of pure white ribbon
with an appropriate inscription.
Yesterday the following named people de
clared their intention of joining the Pans
educational party and paid the necessary de
posit of Sot): Miss M. E. Hare, Mr. J. K.
Bayneand wife, Mrs. Petty, Emma Youne,
Anna Flack, Susie Mltcbel, Emma Bridge. A
circular has been received announcing a cliango
in the route td that previously stated. Tbe ex
cursion starts July U, The first destination will
be Glasgow, tbecce to London, and then Pans.
By paying $14 SO more the excursionists can re
main a week longer in Paris.
Next Tuesday the public schools will be open
from 8 till noon. Were the schools to close on
this day it would extend the date of -closing
them to July 1.
At tbe exhibition at ihe Birmingham school
last Wednesday, Thursday and Fnday even
ings, tbe school hall was crowded nightly. A
pleasing and varied programme, in which over
400 children had some part, delighted the acdi
ences. Too much credit can hardly be given
Miss M. E. Hare and her corps of teachers for
its successful issue.
The Teachers' Guild will hold a regular
meeting next Saturday.
The Prosser benefit takes place at the Grand
Central Kink to-morrow night.
Next Saturday will have an added attrac
tion to the city teachers. It will be pay day.
The annual teachers' examination for Pitts
burg will commence Slay IS at the Central
High School, and will likely continue five Sat
urdays. -Db. B. C. JH.LSOX, of the High school, will
give "A Talk on oology" at the Pittsburg
Central Circle of the O. L. 13. O. next Thursday
Mb. Robert McCabgo, a former teacher of
music in the Pittsburg schools, but now of
Franklin, is the latest candidate for Supervisor
of Music, made vacant by the death of Prof.
Miss Eaton, of the Shakespeare School,
Twentieth ward, is obliged to be absent from
school duties just at present. A dislocated
arm, received while getting on the cable car, Is
the trouble, however.
A minute, containing a glowing tribute to
Miss Edith McComb, the lately deceased
teacher In the 'Washington schools, has been
prepared by hsr fellow-teachers. An engrossed
copy will be sent to her mother.
The Birmingham and Hnmboldt schools are
the only two schools in the city that have a
teacher, employed by the School Board, to give
instructions weekly in calisthenics. Both
schools are jnst being supplied with Indian
clubs and other accessories needful.
,The six large trees In front of the North
School have been removed, much to the sorrow
of the teachers and the sparrows. The direc
tors removed tho trees on the supposition that
they were poisonous. Some ol the teachers
would like awnings to take the place of the
The Seventeenth ward schools will receive
visitors the threo latter days of this week. The
Fortieth street school will be open to the pub
lic on Wednesday, the Bayard on Thursday and
on Friday the Main street building. Each
room, in connection with the display of manu
script work, will have a programme of music,
biographies and select readings. The display
ot manuscript work will be on exhibition at
Br the recent action of the Legislature the
appropriation for the maintenance of the pnbllc
schools have been largely increased. Pitts
burg, under this rule, will be benefited some
thing over 810,000 what they had last year. This
wilt be good news to the ward school teachers,
who, according to all rules, are entitled to an
advance, because the High Schools teachers
and tbe officials In educational circles have al
ready received an advance in salary.
t Tho Centennial at Tombitons.
It looks as though Tombstone would cele
brate the anniversary of the first inaugura
tion of the first President of the United
States. A game of baseball will take place
in the afternoon between the boys of Port
Huachuca and tho Tombstone nine, and a
suitable observance will be held in the
evening under tbe auspices of one of our
GREAT AUCTION SAI.K.
Lnco Curtains, Heavy Curtains,
Portieres, upholstery goods, plushes, piano
and table covers, easels, screens, shades,
etc, for a few days only, at 2 p. M. and 7
o'clock in the evening, to close out onr en
tire stock regardless of cost; now is your
time for genuine bargain; private sales in
the morning at H. Holtzman & Sons, 35
A clergyman, after years of suffering from
that loathsome disease, catarrh, vainly trying
every known remedy, at last found a recipe
which completely cured and saved him from
death. Any sufferer from this dreadful disease
sending self-addressed stamped envelope to
Prof. J. A. Lawrence, 88 Warren st, New York
City, will receive the recipe tree of charge.
Never Too Lato to Blend.
Mend what? you will say.- Why, your
old clothes, to be cure, and Dickson, the
tailor, of C5 Fifth ave, cor. Wood st, sec
ond floor, is the man who makes old clothes
look like new for a trifle. Telephone 1558.
Pearson, the tender
Of his profession. He is at the head el them
all. His cabiriet photos are beautiful, ar
tistic and true to nature.
Don't BIUs tbe Special Sale
Of velvet carpets and Smyrna rugs at Ed
ward Groetzinger's, 627 and 629 Penn ave
nue, this week.
Smoke the best La Perl a del Fumar clear
Havana Key West cigars. Three for 25c.
G. w. uchmidi s, yo ana hi .cutn Ave.
IlLltaE watches a specialty; low prices a
I ieriWv at TJn.nph'w No. 295 "Fifth in.
H " WIM
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PKSTSrVwP r " TpSE?
k, , TeT"
CHEAP FOR CREDIT
CHEAP FOR CASHfi
Whether to Pay Spot Cash or Accept the Liberal 0 !
Terms of Credit
Offers is for
"We have all kinds of Household Goods
nentl OTtvamalir ltlavi1 ot,1 Afi.v n.vmBnt
of seasonable goods is necessary. We are
keeps the stock moving. So-it is always fresh
goods that will allow any tempting .offer of
jjreicr w give vuu jcxxhoi-uuiiao uuux'ij ai jjiich www .uau ju vwm..m iu.u -
whereon CBEDIT, to get and keep your enstom, and don't want the reputation of a
"CHEAP JOHN" in ourbusiness. , '
Hundreds of Rolls of Carpets.
Everything from the cheapest Eag and Ingrain np to the very finest Eoyal Wil-'
tons and Brussels. We are better prepared than ever before to supply every want in i
Carpets, ,and with plenty of light and plenty of the newest and freshest things in Car-
pets, Eugs and Mattings of every kind, we know that your visit will be-both an enjoya- j
ble and profitable one to you. .
The Most Artistic Furniture in Pittsburg. f
Anything you wish in Parlor Furniture Divans, Couches, Easy Chairs, Bookers,
fnll Suits and odd Chairs, etc., etc. Sideboards, Wardrobes, Cabinets, Chiffoniers, :Hat
Eacks, Hall Stands, Dining Eoom Chairs, Extension Tables, Mirrors, Parlor, Stand and
Hanging Lamps, etc. etc. Beyond question there is no finer, larger, or cheaper collection
Elegant Chamber Furniture at all Prices..
Office Furniture the most varied assortment. Things positively original. Work
manship the finest. Shapes, Carvings to please the eye. Prices to please the pocket.
Stoves, Banges, Ice Chests, Beirigerators, Ice Cream Freezers, Tinware, Clocks,
Biic-a-Brac, Pictures, etc.
AH for Cash or on Easy Payments.
OLD RELIABLE HOUSE,
COE3STEE TZEHSTTIH: axLd. FEZnTIT
READ THIS CARD.
IP YOU WANT
THE PLACE TO BUT IS
DAIN & DASCHBACH.
THE TIME HOW.
To appreciate the quality and beauty of
our Furniture, seo that displayed by all
other reliable dealers of Pittsburg and Al
legheny before calling on ns.
To gain the full value of the bargains we
are offering, price the articles you want
elsewhere, then see ours. We have the
stock, guarantee perfect satisfaction, and we
will sell you anything you require in our
line at prices bound to please.
DAfN & DASCHBACH,
111 SmitMeldSt, Pittsburg, Pa.
Decoratea Tea Sets, $4 00 an! Unwarfl
DBcoraMDinner Sets,$12 00 anfl Uuwartl
SMteflMer Sets,$4 50anaU5ward
THE J. P. SMITH
LampiGIass & China Cn
935 Penn Avenue.
BY RELICS OF ANTIQUITY IN THE
They are Jealous of the success of
W, H. TH0MP50N &
305 "Wood S-toeje;,
"Who are now the acknowledged leaders in the business. Ther carry In stock
line of dependable goods shown in this city,
establishment in town.
"WTien you are ready to buy come and see
27. B.With' each cash sale of'$5, or eaei
You to Sa-
and Carpels, and they shall he onrs on" our
PTTn if TTnTl W!lTlt them. Tt O STWMftl TnntlOrl
np with the times. Our immense business
and in the latest styles, we don't deal lajr
specially reduced prices on PAPEB, but -
DAYS OF MIRACLES IT PASSED,
A Cripple of Three Tears Standing
Cured in Fifteen Minutes
By Dr. Smith, at 502 Penn Ave.
Dr. Smith Is performing some of the most
wonderful cures ever witnessed In Pittsburg.
Scores and hundreds of invalids who have
hitherto been unable to find relief, from their
sufferings are being-restored to health in large
numbers through Dr. Smith's strange magnetic
power. It is exceedingly Interesting to seo
and talk with tbe vast number of Invalids saf
ferinjc from all manner of complaints''
who are brought to the doctor for his favor
able or unfavorable opinion ol their diseases.
It is also gratif jlns to observe tho change that
takes place in many of these seemingly helpless
cases.. Scores of invalids who are so weak and
feeble that they have to be carried to the doc
tor in chairs and on beds are restored to health
in a short time. Some are cured by one. some
by two magnetic treatments, wkile others re
quire more. The following very interesting
case was cured by our magnetic treatment:
Mr. John M. Eakin, who resides at Eau Claire,
Butler county. Fa. was a great sufferer for
three years. Ho was carried to Dr. Smith, at
No. 02 Penn avenue, in a hopeless condition
He eould not walk or more without the aid of,
two canes, and (or the past year he had not
been able to bend over sufficiently to wash
his face. "He was sufferins from what had
been pronounced by 12 eminent physicians as
psoas abcess. These physicians pronounced
his case incurable, and told him that there was
no help for him. He then consulted Prof.
Scott and Dudly Allen, 31. D.,ot the Regular
School of Medicine at Cleveland. O. Ihese
imminent tnedicafmen gave him no encourage
ment,as pus nad, in tneir opinion, aireauy
formed. These are the statements given to Dr.
Smith by Mr. Eakin when h came for treat
ment. After one magnetic treatment of abonS
15 minutes' duration, Mr. Eakin was able to
bend over and pick up a pin from the floor
and was able to wait without pain and without
the use of hl3 canes. Mr. E. remained in the
city several days after receiving the treatment
and was able to go about the city from day to
day without never a sense of pain, weariness or
lameness. He returned to his home, at'Eau.
Claire last Saturday, and maybe referred to.
Mrs. Gough was cured of dyspepsia and rheu
matism by four magnetic treatments. Theso
cures were performed without a single dose of
medicine. Scores' of cases equally as interest
rn" could he given if we had the time and
space. Dr. Smith will deliver an illustrated
lecture to ladies and gentlemen at the Grand
Opera House next Sunday afternoon at 2J
,plock. The lecture will be free and every
body is invited to attend.
Dr. Smith cures all forms of female com
Dlalin3 without the use of Instruments or ex
bosuro f tne person. He also enres pOea and
rupture without the use of the knife, or pain
to' the patient, nor detention from business.
He treats and cures cancers in less time and
with less J?ain than by any other known
Dr Smith fs permanently located at 503 Penn
avenue, where everybody can go from 9 A. X.
till 7 v. Jr. The doctor consults free and cures
after all other means fall. He treats every
form of disease Known to humanity. Goto
HJ2 Perm avenue and consult him If you wish
to get well. Letters of inquiry must contain
two stamps. aPM
at XOWEB PEICES than offered
ns. "V7e will save you moMy.
l 4. xi. &. i
oredii sale of 9&, w fivs frw' " cfcarg
,i i.T.T "ITT,"- - - 'MZJ "afefcv5ft?.?.J
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