Newspaper Page Text
A Mother's Disappointment.
A Detroit lawyer who had business
in one of the northern counties a short
time ago put in a night at a farm
house. It was a log structure con
taining two rooms und such furniture
as pioneers get -along with. The futility
consisted of an < Id man, his wife, and
a girl of 20, who was slashing around
barefooted und had a fist like a slug
ger. After supper the old woman
took a seat in front of the lawyer and
"Do you wear sich fine duds all the
"All the tiHPS madam."
"Is that a real diamond in your
"Ami I heard you tell the old man
you had u horse and buggy tit hutue?"
"And that watch ami chaiu are real
gold. I suppose?"
"Yes, the real stuff.''
"Cost as much as 8200 ?"
"Yes, over $.'500 '
"My star.-.! Why, you most pet as
much as 840 a mouth and board ?" she
"Madam. I sometime make 8->0 |>er
day." he placidly replied.
"Sho! Why you are worth a thou
sand dollars ?"
"Yes, ten limes that."
"hilars aud stars!"
There was an interval of silence as
she recovered front her amazement.
Theu she tiptoed to the corner of the
bouse to see if tbere were any eaves J
droppers. Coming back she walked !
up to the lawyer and dropfted her !
voice to a whi*|ier ami said :
"Say! We've been raving Sally
jhese last two years for the boss of a j
saw- mill four miles up ilia creek, hut ;
if you are struck 00 her and she is |
struck on you, I'll run thu old man
six miles through the brush alter a
preacher to do lite splicing."
The lawyer hud to decline on the
ground of having a wife- in Detroit,
aud the old woman felt so bad that j
the husband bad to rise at midnight,
aud make her a mustard plaster.
Won't Do It-
The Hon. John Pearidge Wesley,
Secretary of the Jones Cross roads
Lyceum, Virginia, informed the Lime- !
Kiln Club, by letter, that on the tfih
day of August next his society pro
posed to open a debate, free to the
world, 00 the query: "What am de
hereu'-ter of animal creation?" It was
hojicd that the Lime-Kilu Club would
•end ut least four id' iis leading orators
to participate in the debate.
"While we am much obleeged fur
de itivitusbuii," replied the i'residtul,
"we shan't let de inquiry worry us a
bi>. While it am a -ad tiling to part
from a dog which lias stood hy us fur
a duX-u y'ars, time spent in wotideriu'
wliar' be will bring upum time wasted.
1 reckon dal we dai gu to dat I letter lan'
Won't be lookm* around fur bosses,
dogs, cows UII' # cats. We'll lie bust
wid our wings an' har|s, an' 'tain t
likely dat wc could whistle for a dog
if we owned one. I)e hereafier ol
man, au' jH-rticklerly of memliers ot
dis club, AM ol lur lllU' cousaru to us."
One He Hadn't Met.
One day a pompous little fellow at
a dinner table was toasting of the
great men wiih whom he was on inti
mate terms. He bud been in constant
CorrnqHimlcnre with LmglVMow, had
lunched with Tennyson, was in friend
ly relations with the I'rince of Wales,
aud in short, knew everything and
every body. At leitgili a quiet indi
vidual at 1 lie further end of the room
broke in on the conversation with the
question : "My dear sir, did \ou hap
pen to know the Siamese Twins when
tbev were in this country ?" Our
lieio who evidently bad a talent for
lying, but no real genius, at unr re
± plied: "The Siamese Twins, sir ? Yet
•ir. I became very intimate with one
if them, but I in ver bad the good for
tune to meet the other."
0.V1.Y OJt THE tJTAOE. —"What it
"This, my dear, is a star actor."
"Why d<-e* be throw Id* arms iu the
air, mud then slap bis hi|M with bis
hand and say, 'Me heart is broken'f"
"Ob, that is merely the play."
"Theu hi* heart is uul broken ?"
"Why d-ies he say 'me heart' io
■tead of'iny heart.'?"
" Pecans- be doesn't know any better,
child. Lieuta* hot suntied English
sufficiently, tti.disiniguish lietweeu the
objective ajpt t> >ceaive cases."
"8 *ll i .svry'rue heart.''me .hoes,'
'me gluveb?*< v J- ••/'
"If yiHntjK my dear, I shall have
to dog ynu.' ,
L T~t ♦—
A oIWTLF.MAX met an uncertain
arquwii N'uc.-, who esid : "I'm a little
■ should like to ask you a
conundrum to mental arithmetic.*'
B9 "Proceed," replied Ihe gentleman.
"Well," said the short man, "suppose
you bad $lO. in your pocket, ami 1
slut. hi ak you for Id. How much
W'rttbl r-iosiit.?" ' Ten dollars,'' was
(be prompt reply. p •
Felt the Situation.
A German farmer was on (rial in
one of the juatico court a the othtr day
for assault and buttery, and hail
pleaded not guilty. When the cross
examination came the of/posiug coun
"Now, Jacob, there vu trouble be-
I ween you and the plaiuliff, wasu't
"I expect dcre vhas."
"Ho said something about your dog
being a sheep-killer, and you resented
"Vhell, I calls him a liar."
"Exactly. Then he called you some
hard names ?"
"He calls ine a sauer kraut Dutch
"Just so. That made you mad."
"Oof course.' I vhas so madt I
shake all oafer."
"1 thought so. Now, Jacob, you
are a man who speaks the truth. I
don't Itclieve you could be hired to
tell a lie."
"Veil, I plief I vhas pooty honest."
'Of course you are—of course.
Now, Jacob, vou must have struck the
first blow. You see "
The other lawyer objected, and after
a wrangle the defendant turned to the
court and sai<t:
"I doan* nxacllv make oudt how it
vhas. I like to own oop dot Ishtruck
first, hut I haf paid my lawyer 80 to
hrnve de odder vhay. I doan' like to
tell a lie, hut I fe I badt to lose der
money !"— Detroit Free I'reu.
A Truthful "Tooter,"
".So yon love my daughter, you say ?"
said paterfamilias to the young man,
"and want to marry her. What is
your occupation ?"
"I am a tutor," was the reply,
fc Ah ! that is a very respectable oc
cupation ; very respectable, indeed.
Teach the classics ?"
"N-ti not exactly," wid the youth ;
"I'm a musical tutor."
"A musical tutor! Well, that is
sufficiently respectable. You may
coiniuuo your visits if my daughter is
Two weeks later the young couple
were married, and the confiiling father
discovered that his son-in-law was 110
more than a mendier of an itisig.ftfi
• ant orchestra with a salary of twelve
dollars a week.
"Why, confound you," he said,
wraiht'ully. "didn't you tell tue you
were a tutor?"
"80 I am a 'tooter,' replied the
youth ; 'I play the French burn, and
; ou should just hear me tooting."
The old gentlemaa coucluded to
make the best of it.
Could Afford It.
Mrs. B— "There, just as I expected ;
Mrs. D. has a new sealskin sacqoe.
She has b<**n getting new things right
straight along ever since her husband
was elected to office." Mr. 11.—"Well,
she can afford Hi. Her husliaud has a
big salary, and no end of perquisites."
Mrs. B. —"Then why iu the world
don't you get elected to something ?
Why don't you go to the |N>liticai
meetings, show ) onrself, make speeches,
aud work up what the |>a|MTß call a
'lasini ?'" Mr. II.—"It would not do,
my dear. 'Booms' are played out now.
I have a better plan than that." Mrs.
ll.—''Great plans you have! All you
do is to loaf around the house all ihe
time, ami you * on't even stick your
nose out of tin door without waiehing
10 see if anyone is looking. I up|wvu
you will lie sneaking in aud out the
i<ack way next." Mr. B.—"Hist! Not
so loud. You have hit it exaetly.
Can't you see ? I am. in traiuiug for a
dark horse.' " — l'lnh. Oil.
"Dm you hear of that man down
town who married two women in one
day T' aked Fogg at the tea table the
other evening. "Isn't it awful!" ex
claimed the landlady. "Do tell us all
about it, Mr. F>>gg." "Oh. there isn't
much to tell,' replied Fogg; 'you
know hint well." "I know him! the
villain!"shrieked the landlady. "Don't
say that, ma'am," said Fogg, soothing
ly ; "don't say that. It was the Rev.
Sir. Textual, vour beloved pastor, ami
he wouldu't like to hear you talk so
about him. And by the by, he mar
ried the women to as two likely young
lei low* as there are in town.*' The
landlady says she never could bear
A FARMER went to hear the great
Wewicy preach upon the subject of
riiouev. "Get all you ran," said Wes
ley. 'The farmer was delighted. "Bave
all you can." The farmer was still
more delighted, and thought Wesley
the most practical preacher he hud
ever listened to. "Give all you mil."
At this the farmer exclaimed: "Pshaw!
He has gooe and s|*oilt it allI"
Witt LEI he arrangements were being
made for a party a few evenings ago,
a young lady present innocently in
quired, "Is the iovitat on to embrace
the young Isdie* ?" "Oh, tm," replied
a young man, "the gentlemen will at
tend to that." Anil the young lady
wonders what the young mao meant.
A HEALTH journal says: "Too thick
underclothing causes unnatural red
ness iu the face and nose." We never
heard it called that name before. Per
haps if the editor of tbe h<alth jour
nal was to dilute his underclothing
with a little water before swallowing it
the unnatural color would not mani-
I fast itself *o prominently.
Wouldn't Move a Ctcp Till She
Could Get on Her Clothes.
An old maid from t lie country mm
veiling n city Irieiid in whose house
nan a trli plioup. Early one moruii g
ihere was u rail for Iter and the ser
vant win' to her room.
"Minn June." she uhl, "there'# a call
for you ut "he telephone."
"I'll l>e there in a minute."
"I'm not dressed."
"You can't wait, it# a gentleman
ami he's in a hurrv."
"A gentleman? Good heaven#, then
I won't move a rftep till I get on my
clothes. Do you think I'd go down to
that telephone and talk ton man with
out a dress ou ? I don't know what
your eity #tyle may he, hut I do know
what is proper iu the country, and
that man can wait till i'tu ready or
uot see me, that's all.
How He Courted Her.
The following is Artemus Ward'
description of why he courted Betsy
•lane: "There were many affii-titi'
liis which made me hanker atter
Betsy Jane. Her father's farm jined
ourn ; their cow* and ourn squelched
their thirst at the same spring; our
nmre# both had star# on their fore
head ; the measles broke out in hoih
families at nearly the same time ; our
parent# ( Betsy Jane'a ami mine) slept
regularly every Sunday in the same
meet in' house, and the neighlaira used
to observe: 'How thick the Wards
and the iVaslev# air.' It wa# a sub
lime sight iu the spring of the vear to
see our several mothers < Betsy'# and
mine) with their gown# pinned up. so
thai they couldn't sile 'em, alfecktion
ately liiiin' soap top iher and aboosin'
SoMrriftffo More Usefwu— "l say,
Matilda," snarled Mr. i'omgraiiale,
'can't you do something more useful I
than to study the fashion journal ?"
"Well, yes." answered Mr#. Pom
granaiCj"! was just thinking that I
could do something el#e."
"And w hat is it. pray ?" i
"I will dress according to it, if you
will allow me the mom-v."
"I have already ma .e enough allow
ance* for your vanity and frivolity,"
wa* the brutal reply of the Austin
TIIE BALL* HE WILL (JO TO.—
"Hello, 1 i--ok _v !" mini young Yeal to
Ilia friend Criiiiiiilienk, meeting at the
club the other i vetting. "Are you pn
iii); to any ol the hal a tlii* winter?''
"Oh, ye*. I expect to,'' an-wercd
Crimson beak, taking hi* friend by the
"Whieh ones are you going to ?''
"Well, if the present atate of my
exchequer continue*,'' replied C'rim
sonbenk, noticing the dilapidate*! con
dition of hi* clothe*, "I exjieot to go
to the three gilt ball*,"
A* ANCIENT ANIMAL. —New
Yorker—"Talking about old hnrae #
iheoldeat one iu America live* iu toy
Philad* Iphian—"What ia his age?"
N-w Yorker—"lt ran be reliably
placed at forty-three year*; an ex*
treasurer of Richmond county aava he
tielieve* the aiiitual'* age ia not uuder
forty five year*.''
Philadelphia!!—" You don't sav ao?
I hould like to aee that horse. What
street car line ia he on ?"
Two young married French ladica
were talking al*uit their husband*.
Said one of them, 'Do you rrally think
yotir Julea went aluMiting yesterday ?''
"Well, I don't think he tried to tie
reive me yeaterday ; I am inc lined tn
think he went." "licit lie d dn't bring
liack any game?" "Thai'* what make*
me feel aure he did go !" waa the wife'*
Tttorui! an bnbitual valetudinarian,
Moliere (dramatist nnd |met) relied
alimwl entirely on the teni|>cranre of
Ida diet for the re estahlinhmenl of hia
health. "What u*e do you make of
our phyaician?'' aaid the King to him
one day, "We chat togeiher t aiie,'' aaid
the poet ; "|,e give* me the prescrip
tion*; I never fullow them; aud ao I
THE new 4 cent atampa, which will
he convenient for u* on letter* re
quiring double rate |Mwtage, have been
•cut out to the |Mwto|ticea. The stamp
i* of the same color a* the old Scent
•tamp, ami of the name rite. The
figure "4" ia cmiaptcunus at the two
lower rornei*, and it Iwars a fiue me
dallion of Jackm n'a head.
If ymj wish 10 make a man per
fectly miserable send him ail im|mriatil
message by telephone. Tell him to be
sure to mtet you at a hotel at a cer
tain hour, say. Hut when he a*k*
you who you are, don't Htiderataml
him, and don't give him your name.
He'll fret off a |mund of fl>*h an hour
try iug tn make out whu it ia that haa
"WiiRRR are vou taking me tof'
asked a criminal, addressing the de
tective, who had ju*t arrested him. "I
am taking you to the office," was the
reply. "I wish to oheerve in thia case,
then," aaid the culprit, "that it ia the
office seek* the man, and uot the man
Ml ch of a young man'u success 'a
life depend* ou bit aelectioa of a father
IB.H* .O Mis. ... B. 1.. ..1.8.,1 08. "
-TOOTH BRUSHES !-
We bave juat receive!
Direct From the Importer,
And which we are offering VERY LOW. Our aim i# to keep the BEST
GOODS bdJ sell them at CLOSE PRICES FOIt CASH,
Bush House Block,
We have Telephone Connection,
I). (Jartnnt> if Sim's A'rw Store.
Gar man &
L A II I EM,
do Dot think, because the cuts re pre
aent only gentlemen's wear, that we
have not been particularly careful to
select au elegant line of goods especi
ally suited to you. You will find it
to your advantage to call and if we
are not able to supply you from our
choice and varied stock, it will be a
a small matter for u to order what you
may need. We think we are better able
to meet jour want# than any store in
I.yon C Co., Merchants. Alleyhctty-Stßellefonte, fa.
SWAPS FOR YOU !
OCR WAY of Selling off A LARGE WINTER STOCK
AT SHORT NOT.CE.
$40,000 "Worth of Dry Goods
Clothing, Boots and Shoes, Hats and Caps'
A\ ut almost half price Head ibis through to the end: there is something
that will strike you.
Then oome with your sbeckcl*. Come eoon because we wiil offer something
at less than we can replace them foe after they are all aold. We can't pick U|
such bargain*every day. Just mas chance*.
Wnet trnnM Flw Una t oo4a IV s T.r*. .lamkara *V-
An.41.-v I • Vajar*.
OaoMof atibaM. ■ 7ra .4
On* 10l nf l-nt (llubasa. . fc • jar*
W|,||* R*4 Sprnwt* .. 44c
i*n.'l>>f. r.M.i>*i ..... Va jar*.
S.*l Cm tv _ fniirt
a*M Sklrtlnsa . S and c a jard.
et*H rt.onals ........ Wv a tar*.
I*4 Tal S l.laatt .............. ISra ;,|4.
IVaMandtti Oaakra-raa.... IVanM.
tll-wnl Ml*rt ant I'nlvwS i'mSmw*. #7,a a tar*.
a*4 SlaM naaa.la IV a rani.
labw' Ibn in —..... . ..... .™... aac .
All nunl Ca*hm*'*a. Black 4 rnlm .4 at Ivnat t 1 I Wan Mb*n *la*.
Pl.t* OV**b < feast* • an* Kir a ,ar*.
Are I etna A Maalla - T l-a far*.
K-* all-wnol Ptattonl. ftvs i Itf >s *
Oa Kt'ta QnaWj Htark 411k at loan* 745. S.l* ltec It no a*4 t JS,
IS tun Qullt| Mack Mtt It W Blaanhat* II
Ona lot E*lr. Sop-rt. Quality B'ark Sift - I tt. " tan
On* lot nirv H**f p*t. U,.*l|l| IMb.* etlk Its. " IMtlm
r..1..1.1 .Ilka Vtstfa ll*vj, TV.Ia all Ik* nw *b*d*
C..lovml Silk, torn ...... ... Mr a >sr* ep
A tan aatl sop Har q >alWa allstlk ■"* si.icin* ..74c t'l% p. to* | Mt
Tk in*-1 q alitf I l-l jit wbltk all * Itet CS..th ami SUoi.-l I (si p-4 -it Saot* <ja*l atsrakam IIK
Silk Mn-ti*. frvna 7.V p
Silk Vrlsats ftvna - a I <4l bbS 1 SK Bp,
Valval van fcova Mr up
Color*# Mankat* frvta. .... - "-V. pakr up
Wkll* IBank*!* tram .... I S* a |<air ap.
Dtrfer-klrtr aa* Snvtn 4mii...b.......-*...~..m.~ ft op
llln' Il~* * pair In* . ... ...a...... ... V*
rt, Mtas'* ll,*a * pap fa Me
M'S'lSrk tp.lvKv TV
Mra't W.ntl •!■*. IV. Ifl**nhr* Sur
Maa'f Varj Flbia*nnlaaaall-noiS H>w* Ir a pair
/Shoes at One Half Price.
La4t**' Ska M.cowl k "alf —. ... 1 00 r* pair
" • Call Skin IJK |-r fair
rfclMr*' Stwna V> M imi Pk a pair
In-ll**' Hntton Mum 1ama....... 1 <*i par pair ap
l*<lt*-'Bnttoa Mrnn. Plavav (pwllt t I Sfl * pair
la I*.' Hntton Sk-an. Mat Unalltj. n wrraatai . IIP na# tP*
Ladtct'Bnltoe Bnna* pp nrk KM 1 s*ll>. A Wrtaki a laat llochsnter staka.
M*e'a Haavj WI star Baals IV, II Oa. I x!< aa* I 4u par |olr.
CkiUran's #tt|tt ftosa I SU np #..*'• Oranroata Wnjft Orrtmals
Maa'a Ov. rrvmtaS (ft. * OS * IS. KO# II Waa's Alt-wool Snlta Pom r, (in tip
Mao's flu* 11-Ma T On< pair. Mat 71 A Itaaaj a W*l Mapair aoj's Want* I <Wan# It* par pair,
tails' Ualvt as* IB Mnn ft a |alt. Mm. a Ca.ptr Mark Olnrna Sua K(M Ip.
W-B at M-av, Bark flkna from 74c ap
LatUaa' u* Ckll4ra't tMassi, Clstan.Clrrs'ars tk* lerpnat Stock, as* aarka* Sana tk par mat. ISnat
last oontk'a prtcn*.
Wa wao spans o waattnn all Iha karmpaa wv ks aaknl wa has* VWi'S TbftftMklld Dollar's
Werth S^k-Mtk WmHe I* • s*ti Tkfrey Iftg •*—> yW
SEND FOR BAMPLEB.
Call os s* an* #•• V sa<J. Moaaj Rs*area* If psiuksii *< satUVctsrj.
L YQN <6 CO.
' .ft v' -
Bull Dog Wins, #
HE HANGS ON!
o t—: o
Nobody but A Fool Be
It is'nt trtif Mint R. It. BPANGLER
A Ct., tell FfltMTt ltK MuW f.*t,
although ihey have *nid <i more
than mice. But U. B. Bpangler 1
A Co. ix> iM-ll ll kind* hml
•tyie*ul ilit lie-i Furniture
at an (UVAXCS nf a
•mall per cent which
juat give* the firm
a u ffi c i c n t
ey to pay
ing, not one
cent beyond thi*.
Now *me fool will
*ay that'* a lie. But
we refer to our Itoarding
liouw and wa*h woman.
We hav no family and could
not keep any if we bad. We
aril ao ctIRAP and Clf+T.
that we never expert to n ake
any more than wbat we have at pieaent
: We Sell a Walnut Suit for :
I S3B and up to Sl5O. •
We sell an all ASH Suit
for 529 50.
We sell solid Walnut
Book Case with plate
glass for $32.
We sell LOUNGES from
$5 to S2O.
• ... * •
: We sell Side Boards I
; from $9 to 40.
We sell Chairs from $4 | er
half doien to SlO
* I *
We sell Cain Chairs
from $5 to s2l.
?We sell Parlor Suits from;
S4O up to $l5O.
Call to m* ut at our F rniture
Ware Room op|xiu? thc-Buth lloure,
Brllefonte, and if you ain't pleated be
will pie et t you witb a Paklob
hi: it. Bi n. fcrANOLKR, of
R. B. SPANGLER & CO.
-vj .i. . -A, [J • •'' 'Mi , - %