®Jit Crntrr democrat.
BBLLEFONT^_PA ;
TkaUrint, OkMpMt ad Bast Ppr
PUBLISHKD IN CBNTBB COUNTT.
BUILDING A FOUNTAIN.
"My dear," said Mr. Hpoopendyke,
as he placed the nozzle of tho street
sprinkler and braced it with bricks so
it would squirt straight up, "my dear,
that makes considerable of a fountain.
I wish I had thought of it before."
"Upon my word!" giggled Mrs.
Spoopendvke. "Why you are really
an inventor. The.'* the best fountain
I ever saw ; but how are you ever go
ing to take it down ?" and" Mrs, Hpoop
endyke con tern plated the fountain with
considerable misgiving.
"Don't want to take it down!"
grunted Mr. Hpoopendyke. "It comes
down itself by the natural law of grav
itation. Did you suppose that water
intended to squirt up in the air and
wan t r me to bring it down on a step
ladder? Got some kind of a notion
thai 1 was go ng to tie a rope around
that water and haul it down, hadn t
ye? Well, I'm not, and I ain't going i
to offer it any chronic* to come down j
either!" And Mr.Hpoopenpke seated
himself on the I wer step and eyed his |
fountain with a great deal of satisfac
tion.
"How long are you going to let it
squirt?"asked Mrs. Hpoopendyke. anx
ious to have the trouble begin that it
might be over the sooner.
"Oh, I guess about twenty feet,'" re- '
plied Mr.Hpoopendyke, measuring the
height of the stream with his eye and
chuckling to himself. ' That's about
as long as the pressure would permit,
and I thought I'd let it go that far be
fore 1 hitched it up," and Mr. Hpoop
endyke shook all over as the full
strength of the joke impressed itself
upon him.
Mrs. Hpoopendyke watched the play
of the water in silence.
'P'raps you think I can't get that foun
tain apart without getting wet," said
Mr. Spoopendyke at length. Maybe you
h ve imbibed the idea that when I
turn the water off I'm going to be soak- 1
ed. Well, I'm not. The head that ,
invented this fountain knows how to
keep itself dry," and Mr. Hpoopendyke j
got up and walked around his prize, j
his face beaming with smiles. The i
water was falling iu a perfect shower
upon the key box, and in the after- !
noon sun the fountain looked remark
ably pretty.
Mrs. Hpoopeudyke made no respone
but patiently awaited developments.
"Now bring me the umbrella." said
Mr. Hpoopendyke, preparing himself
for the closing triumph. "Bring me
forth the firy, untamed umbrella!"
and Mrs. Hpoopenpyke handed it to
him, he raised it. picked up his key
and approached the stream. The um
brella protected him from the down
pour, hut as he bent over to turn the ;
water off, the hissing shaft struck un
der the gingham and raising the um
brella with a vicious jerk, tipped Mr.
Hpoopendyke over on his beam ends.
"Dot gast the measly squirt!" he
yelled as soon as he recovered breath.
"What did ye want to distract ray at
tention for ?" and he shook the um
brella at bis wife a* he rose dripping to
his feet. "Another time when I'm
fixing this fountain you get under the
bed, ye hear?" and Sirs. Hpoopendyke ,
glared around hiin and approached
the enemy once more.
This time he held the umbrella |
straight out before him, groping along
behind it with the key. lie almost
reached the rod when the stream struck
the outside of the umbrella, and as in
it" whirled, Mr. Hpoopendyke spun
around, landing in a sitting po
sition on the fountian, which lifted
hiin about a foot and rolled him in the
gutter.
"That's what ye were waiting to see,
was it?" he shouted as he climbed to
his feet and shook his fist at his tremb
ling wife. "Been roosting up there to
watch this display of genius against
brute force! Got an idea hid away
somewnere that this fountain and me
aint on friendly terras?" and he
whanged the umbrella across the
steadily pouring stream, got caught
once more and landed in the gutter
again, this time on the back of his
neck. "How d'ye like the show?"
he squealed, bounding to his feet.
There's going to be a concert after the
circus!" and he charged once again
with his umbrella, which this time was
jerked out of his hands and rolled
over into the street. "Procure your
tickets of the gentlemanly ushers!"
and he grabbed his weapon and made
another onslaught. "Not that the
circus performance is concluded 1" he
continued as he fell clear over the
stream and rolled into the umbrella.
"The best is yet to come!" and in try
ing to straighten the umbrella which
had turned inside out he caught tha
fountain again and slid down on it to
the curb-stone with a sound like a
buDg starter on a barrel. "My dear,
why don't you-?" began Mrs. Hpoop
endyke.
Ain't I? roared her husband,
"P'rape you know more about the per
sonal nabits of this dod gasted squirt
tbau I do?" and he stammered at it
with umbrella and kicked at it until
his leg was loose. "May be yon've got
some political influence here!" and
lowering his head behind the umbrel
la he charged again. The water tip
perl the umbrella straight, poured up
into it and fell in a deluge on Mr.
Hpoopendyke'* head and shoulder*.
"Don't be alarmed ladies!" he squeal
ed. "There's no danger!" and he
smashed the umbrella down over it,
like an extinguisher. "A competent
corns of dod ghasted officials always
on hand !" but at this juncture the um
brella ripped from handle to whale
bone tip, the stream caught Mr. Bpoop
endyke under the chin and landed him
pale and gasping against the fence.
"This is what I mean, dear," said
Mrs. Hpoopendyde, boldly approaching
the fountain, kicking the nozzle over
and turning the water off. That's
what I wanted."
"I know what yc want?"yelled Mr.
Spookendyke fairly beside himself
with rngo when ho saw how it was
done. "Ye only want a little political
influence and a brick chimney to be a
Hoard of Water Commissioners! If I
kick like you, I'd build a wall around
me, get into a wash tub ami rent out
as a reservoir ! If that's all ye wanted
what made ye howl for a fountain ? If
ye only wanted to kick it over, what
made ye stand around and devil me
into the building that squirt ? Some
day, I'm going to put a meter in you
and start a private water tank !" and
Mr. Spoopendvke wrenched off the
hose without waiting to uncouple it,
and starter! for the house.
"Are YOU wet dear?" asked Mrs.
Hpoopendyke, regarding him affection
ately.
"\Vet!" howled Mr. Hpoopendyke.
"Man is four-fifths* water, and the oth
er fifth of me is* a little moist; that's |
all!" and Mr. Spoopendyke plunged
upstairs and into bed.
' I don't care" murmured Mrs.
Spoopendyke. "He didn't stand still
long enough to get chilled, and if he
keeps mad for an hour longer he
won't catch cold !" aud, noting on the
new 'pathy. Mrs. Spoopendyke busied
herself at the beside until her husband
fell asleep from the exhaustion of
auger and snored the snore of the just.
GIRTH AND GOODNEBS
Yen/ Fe\a Fat .V t Fall From Or,ire.
Srw Yfk Sao.
"It is by no means certain sir," the
old observer said, settling himself
comfortably back in his easy chair and
just managing to lock his fingers over
his ample vest, that in an improved
state of society, when great truths now
but guessed at shall be lit 11 v known,
the scales will not play a very impor
tant part in the administration of jus
tice. Ido not mean the emblematic
things that the blind goddeaq forever
dangles aloft —significant of question 1
whether plaintiff or defendant will pay
most for a decision. 1 mean plain
matter-of-fact. Fairbanks, Howes, or '
some other scales to tell exactly what
a person weighs. The time will come
when people will recognize that lack
of adip<Mc tissue and a paucity ofmor
-11 principle go together, while girth
and goodness are inseparable. Of
course, as a rule proverbially have
their exceptions, it is not impossible
that a lean man may, under peculiarly
favorable conditions, be a tolerable
member of society and, by good luck, ;
keep out of jail all his lite long. <>u
the other hand, a fat man may not lx>
a tolerable member of society, and
may get into jail—as Tweed did, for
instance—but he is not at all likely to
do so. In fact, criminal statistics
show that a hundred lean men are im
prisoned for offense*against jterson or
property where ene fat man falls from
grace. Admitting the existence of
exceptions, as I said before, we will be
justified in affirming the rule that the
chances are the leaucr a man is the
more he is predisposed to felony by !
nature ami the fatter* man is the bet
ter he is, morally and socially. I)o
you see now where thescales will come
in ? The nearer a fellow's avoirdupois
grovels downward toward the contemp
tible mark of 100 pounds, the more
likely it is—whatever the evidence
may be —that he deserve* punishment
either for the thing alleged against
him or something the court has not yet
heard of; while the higher a man as
cends toward the worth aad dignity of
300 (rounds the greater is the just pre
sumption that he is kindly, honest, in
nocent, or, even if in some small
measure seemingly blamable, that be
jis the victim of circumstance*. The
day is coming, sir, when our courts
will weigh not simply the evidence,
but the accused, and give the fat man
the benefit of the court, if there is any,
every time. Look on the books of
any prison in the land and see if the
record, of convicted felon's weight is
not a blazing torch of truth, in proof
of what I say, to light the world to a
higher appreciation of the moral
beauty of adipose tsssue."
Warden I'ox, at Penitentiary on
Blackwell's Island then the reporter
sought him for verification of what
his fat friend bad sajd, replied : "Well,
now that you call my attention to it,
I must say that the infrequency of fat
men being sent here is very remarka
ble. We average about IKa) prisoners
here constantly, and not two per cent,
of them, in all the years I have had
charge of this institution, have been
men weighing 200 pounds. Even
those who did attain tnat weight, or
near to it, were generally big framed,
raw-boned men, not what could prop
erly be called fat men. Asa rule
they weigh about 140 pounds, rather
under than over. The heaviest crimi*
nal we ever had here was Tweed, who
is.recorded 263 pounds weight. The
next heaviest is one we have here now,
Jas. Williams, who was rent up for
larceny a few days ago. He weighs
259 pounds. It would take a long
Hearcli over the records to find any
more coming near that figure. Fat
men seem to bo too good uatured to
like to injure other people. I'm not
prepared to'say whether fat, develops
goodness or goodnuw develops fat' but
they eem to go together.' Anybody
can see for himself that there is not
in society any such disproportionate
minority of fat men as 1 per cent. —
the proportion of them that we have
here. Consequently the inference is
unvoidahle that the fat men do infi
nitely less than their share in peopling
penal institution*. And when they do
come they are the best prisoners im
aginable. We have far less trouble
with large men than small ones. I
can not think of any other peculiarity
of (icrsoii that is so marked among
criminals as general as that of small
sire. We have red heads and black
heads, and white faces and brown
faces, low brows and high ones, bull
necks and thin ones all in just about
the same proportions that you will
meet them about town any day. Hut
when you come to lean and fut, there
the line is wonderfully marked."
Mark Twain's Early Life.
W. L). llowells contributes to the
Century a sketch of Samuel L. Clem
eus ("Mnrk Twain"), in which the fol
lowing incidents of his early life are
given : "He got very little learning
in school, and like so many other
Ameruan* in whom the literary im
pulse is native, he turned to the local
printing office for some of the advan
tages from which he was otherwise cut
otr. Certain records of the three years
sjicnt in the Hannibal Cotirier office
are to lie found in Mark Twain's hook
of sketches ; but I believe there is yet
no history anywhere of the wanrterjahr
in which he followed the life of a jour
printer from town to town aud from
city to city, penetrating even so far
into the vague and fabled Fast as
Philadelphia ami New York. He re
turned to his own country sated, if not
satisfied, with his travel, anil at seven
teen he resolved to 'learn the river'
from St. I/iuis ti New Orleans as a
steamlsiat pilot. Of this period of
his life he has given a full account in
the delightful series of papers, 'Pilot
ing on the Mississippi,' which he print
ed seven years ngo in the Atlantic
Monthly. The growth of the railroads
and the outbreak of the civil war put
an end to profitable piloting, and at
twenty-four he was again ojien to a
vocation. He listened for a moment
to the lomllv calling drum of tha*.
time, and he was actually in canip for
three weeks on the rebel side ; but the
unorganized force to which he belong
ed was disbanded, ami he finally did
not 'go with his section' either in sen
timent or in fact. His brother hav
ing been appionted Lieutenant Gover
nor of Nevada Territory, Mr. Clemens
went out with him as his private sec
retary ; hut he s<x>n resigned his office
nnd withdrew to the mines. He failed
as a miner, in the ordinary seme; but
the life of the mining ramp yielded
him the wealth that the jwieketx of the
mountain denied; he had the Midas
touch without know ing it, an 1 all these
grotesque experiences have since turn
ed into gold under his hand. After
his failure as a miner had become evi
dent even to himself, he was glad to
take the place of local editor on the
Virginia City EnlerjirUe, a new>|aper
for which he had amused himself in
writing from time to time. He had
written for the newspapers liefore this;
few Americans escaped that fate; and
as an apprentice in tha Hannibal
Courier office his humor had embroil
ed some of the leading citizens aud
impaired the fortunes of that journal
hy the alienation of several delinquent
sutweriber*.
"But it was in the Knterjirier that
he first used his pseudonym of 'Mark
Twain,' which ho borrowed from the
vernacular of the river, where the man
braving the lead calls out, 'Mark
twain!' instead of' Mark two.' In
1 Hfi4 he accepted on the San Francis
co Morning (Mil the same sort of
place he had held on the Fjntrrpriee,
and he soon made his m>m de qnerre
familiar 'on that coast.' He not only
wrote 'local items' in the Call, but he
printed humorous sketches in various
periodicals, and two yrers later he was
sent to the Sandwich Islands as corres
pondent of a Sacramento paper."
Dear Obolly'sßet
The Hot** RrporUr Sharpen* lfi.> Wil
Againit an Animated Cigarette Holder.
"Editor in?"
"Yea," replied the horse reporter to
the person asking tbe question—a
young man with a tablespoon hat and
a you may-kiss me-b u-don't you tell
papa mustache, who stood in tbe door
way—"the editor is in and the chances
are that he prefers staying in, rather
than run any risk of falling against
w/vl . tf
J 00*
"Well, of course, you know," said
theyouqg man,"very likely it wouldn't
be absolutely necessary for me to see
the really and truly editor about this
matter that I wanted to have settled. It
is a question to be answered, you
know.
"I should surprise," said the horse
reporter, "thai an average deckbafid
could successfully wrestle with any
problem you could evolve."
"Well, I don't know," continued
the young man. "This is a real hard
question, you know, and a good many
of our set over on the West Side have
tried awfully to settle it, but we ean't.
I never saw auch a provoking thing in
all my life, and last night I was talk
ing with my room-mate about it, aud
we got real angry, and it looked once
as if we should strike each other. I
wouldn't have had a row with (.'holly
for anything, you know, because we
have been in the same store for nearly
three years now, and when he was pro
moted to the ribbon counter he always
spoke to me just the same as when we
were Isith iu the threads."
"In the what?" asked the horse re
porter.
"In the threads —the thread depart
ment, you know, and 1 always said
that nothing could ever make me go
back on ('holly—you know how any
thing like that makes two fellows aw
ful chums."
"Yes, I know," said the horse re
porter, "hut what is your question ?"
"Well, you see, some people are
playing croquet and a rover is driven
up close to the home stake. Now
another man he is dead on the hall,
hut having a stroke he plays on the
rover ami forces it against tiie stake.
Now I say the rover is dead and tin
other fellows they say it isn't and we've
been having an awful time about it
over ou the West Hide, anil"
"Yes, you told rne that before. Our
croquet editor is away on his vacation.
He spends it in the asylum for feeble
minded people, getting |sint-rs from
the inmates, but like enough I can fix
this thing for you."
"Oh! that'- awfully jolly. Have a
cigarette ?"
"No, thank you lum over nine
yeais old. Hut about the croquet
matter? Yob say the rover is close to
the stake ?"
"Ye*."
"And the nxt player knock* it
against the stake?
" Yes."
"And then the player after him
claims that the rover is dead?"
"Yes, that's it,aud they can't agree.
"Well," said the home rejiorter, "I
should say that the man who got the
first knock down ought to win."
"Hut they don't knock each other
down. The don't quarrel at nil."
"You -aid this was a iroquet game,
didn't you ?"
"Why, certainly."
''And they didn't quarrel?"
"Why, of course not."
"Then the faries are indeed kind to
the dry g'sxl* clerks ami I can only
say that your best plan is to disguim
yourself with n cigar and ride down
in the elevator."
The Postoffiee at Iron Rod.
The postoffice at Iron Kod, Monta
na, has been discontinued, ami the ex
planatiou is thus given hy an officer of
the department: A posti ffice agent,
while officially visiting various < Hi •••
iu Montaua Territory for the pur|*i-.
ot^'correcting any irrogulariti-s of post
masters, stopped at Iron Rod. Going
into tiie postoffiee he found tin- r-nin
divided into three sections—first a sa
loon. next the postoffice. arid !at a fa
ro hank. The mail hag w&s brought
in, a roughlooking customer o|>ened it
ami emptied the contents on the floor.
The entire crowd at once got down on
their hands and commenced ov< ahaul
ing the letters, among which several
were registered, and selected soch as
they wanted. After they were through
the remaining letters were shoveled in
a caudle box and placed on the bar.
The s|>ecial agent, thinking the office
needed a little regulating, aked the
barkeeper, who had received and dis
tributed the mail, if he wa the post
master? He answered, "Nrt." "Are
you the assistant postmaster?" "No."
"Where is the postmaster ?" "Gone to
Hell'a Canon ; and by thunder Hill
Jones has got to run this office next
week ;iu bis turn." The government
official then stated who he was aud de
manded the keys of the office. Tbe
bartender coolly took the candle box
from the placed it on tbe floor
and gave it a kick, sending it out the
door, saying : "There's your postoffice
and now git." The agent says: "Know
ing the custom of the country I lost
no time in following this advice,
and got." This is why the postoffice
at Iron Rod was discontinued.
A IfEVADA MAN'S HATHIBG STORY.
"Sine" Karnes tells a racy story of
his experience at Santa Monies, the new
summer resort of Southern California.
"I was down in that section a few months
ago, * said "Sine," and pretty nearly
busted when I fell in with .Jones, the
Senator, and told him my condition,
lie fell right up abreast of the situation
and told me be could give me a job. 'I
want a lot of men to keep in tbe water
all day to show visitors how dsligbtful
surf bathing is. You see these people
from the fast have acquired a sort of
rrejudioe against tbe Pacific t>cean. and
want to counteract the feelinc. I
want you to boss eight men and keep
them tumbling aroundjn the billow*,
tbe sport of the laughing ea in striped
costumes —men who can run out on the
beach every ten minutes and tell bow
warm tbe vyater is.'
"Well, I caught the idea, and agreed
to furnish the crowd at S2O a day. and
we closed the bargain. I hired eight
men at 91 a bead to bathe there all the
afternoon, and I pocketed the balance.
I got a green and blue striped suit, with
tbe flag of the Union across the stoin
ach. and rushed about keeping the
gang alive. The second day they struck
for #2 because the water was so ©old. I
tried to explain about the trade winds
and the harvest noon tidw, hut tliey
wanted the money all the same. Then
three quit, but Jones didn't miss cm. I
kept even flenancially. Then two frose
to death right on the beach, and I had
to get a ooroner's jury to find a verdict
from overussiing in lb* water The
balance cf the gang left, hihl I had in
go it alone. I got *" mured to tin- cold
Hint I could rush out of the water skip
up to Iho English tourist* ttnd tell 'cm
it was just lovely and keep my teeth
•till all the while. I got my f'JO>-vi iy
i night, and *i'n t it lor warm drink*.
| Then I quit, a* my conatitution wi
giving way. When I left he had eight
Iriahmi-n oil the railroad doing the
bathing for the hotel, and they had
a fire going <"i all the while hack o*
•otno rock*, wheie the men could
get up between swim". That IS a gtea'
climate down there."
A RHODE Ihi.A.MI Rlhtic'M An
VEHTt'ttK. —A countryman on u visit
to friends went u fishing. He caught
a small pickerel. The fisherman was
near-sighted and Ida ruoutli hud the
linhit of standing ajar, utid therefore,
owing to the shortness of sight, the fish
ertnau's mouth came very near the tish
when it was unhooked. Unexja-eted-
Ijr, need one say, the fish, by a sudden
jerk, unbooked itself, jumped into the
man's mouth uud made straight for
his throat and run part way in. A cat
and a fish urc alike in one resjiect —
they cannot be pulled by the tail the
wrong way of the fur or scale. When
the man attempted to tuke out Un
fix!) his hack fin stood up and inter
fered, uud the mun tan home to hi
friendr, who pushed the fish down, and
the fisherman hud dined. You
may rise up and denounce the forego
ing as a base fabrication, hut p< r-otia
-nil be produced who will swear to tlio
main facts in the case.
Tin: Burlington liturgy sav -
"The women in Kansas vote at tin
sclnsd elect ion at < ).age t "itv one wo
man went up to vote, hut liefore sin
got through telling the judges what a
time In-r Willie had with tin- scarlet
fever when be wa- only two years oi l,
it wa* time to close the jxill and sin
had forgotten to des|msit the hailot.
TRAVELER'S GUIDE.
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ARA A WBBR. lit a day si Is-ais resil; wsda
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