Newspaper Page Text
(With a Light Catarrh Accompaniment.)
AtUkool Atisboot You ask me io write ?
I'm coughing all day, and I'm sae.'.ing all
My eyoe aro so tearful ( scarcely cau seo,
Aad poue, ink and paper aro poiaou to nto.
Atiehool Attahool My nose isipiito red-
Pray, how oau I write with a cold to my head-
Atiehool Attshoo! Yon aak me to laugh,
When hot-wator gruel I grueaunioly quaff ?
E'en warm mustard piaster can scarcoly iu
This dismal old rhymer who groans by the fire.
Atiehool Atiehool Your feelings aro dead
To think I can laugh with cold iu toy head?
Atiehool Alishoo! You ask me to joke,
When any exertion compels me to choke?
My chilly brain reels at a thought of a pun,
And frozen isall my perennial fun.
Atiehool Atiehool My brain is like lead
For pray, who can joke with a cold in his head ?
Atiehool Atiehool You ask me to sing;
And tbmk I cau carol liko lark on tho wing?
My harp is unstrung and t can't sing a note,
But ruefully groan with a horrid sore thioat.
Atiehool Atiahuo! I should boiu bed
For how can isiug with a cold iu my head ?
■ ■■London fundi.
"No!" sighed Mr. Belton Bellow,
dejectedly, as ho mixed a littlo more
burnt umber on bis palette for the nut
brown tresses of the "Maid Mariau"
that ho was putting on canvass, "she
don't love me ! She can't! No woman
ever yet treated a man so, if she cared
two straws for him."
But it was not of Maid Marian be
was thinking ; it was of Dolly Brooke,
the pretty girl whose mother had rented
the old brown-brick house at the corner
of the street, and whoso eyes were so
blno and sparkling and yet so cruelly
He had been introduced to her, and
had met her a great many times that
winter. lie had even danced with her
at the Blue-bell sociables, held her
hand in the Caledonians, and stood be- '
aide her in the Virginia reel.
lie did not think from her manner
that she absolutely disliked him, but he
was very sure that she did not care for
him. And this unreasonable vonug
artist made himself miserable accord
" She is such a darling 1" he said to
himself—"such a human rosobud. with j
coloring in her air such as Titian never i
dreamed of, and eyca that Balvator Bona
would havepainted in ultra-marine, with
•ea-bluo shadows! But whore is the
use of my mooning abont her? I'd
better accept Kaymond'a offer and go to
Rome with him, even if I have to starve
thero in a garret. Art will perhaps
smile on me, but Dolly Brooke never
And he painted on. resentfully dab- ;
bing away at " Maul Marian's" ronnd
nose with a heart as heavy as if it wore
molded in lead.
While at that very 'moment Dolly
Brooke (her Christian name was Doro
thea) was dusting the parlor at home,
with her head tied up m a blue cam- j
brie sweeping cap, and her lovely
cbeeks heightened with true feminine j
exercise, while Norah, the help, stood
meekly in the doorway, with a scrub
bing brush in her hand.
" Yes, if you please, miss 1" said j
Norah. " A letter from Mike—and if
you'd please to answer it, miss, for not j
a wurred can I write 1"
Dolly left off polishing the l>se of
the little statuette of Ceres and looked
at Norab, with a prettily puzzled ex
pression of countenance.'
" Bat, Norah," said she, "how absurd
aJJ this is I llow can I answer Michael's
Inter? How shall I know what to say ;
to htm 7"
" Sure miss," said Norah, her honest
eyes lighting op, "and that's easy
enough. Just tell bim, in fine, schol
arly writing, roisa, that I love him with
all my heart. That's what I want him
to understand, mis*; for, sure he ain't
quiet in hie mind about it, and he's
way off in county Roscommon,
" Very wall," said Dolly, half smil
ing at the idea, " I'll try. Come to my
room in half an hour, Norah."
And Dolly inexorably locked out her
two Utile brothers, who were enraged
at their being debarrod from "the fun
of bearing North's love letter."
"do abont your business, boys," sail
DpUj, severely, "It's no affair of
Johnny and Billy looked indignantly
at one another. ■
"We'H serve bet ont!" said Johnny.
"We'll let ber lroryw!" enigmatically
responded Hilly."' " ! *
-t And these young isd, with their
ohm a balanced on the garden wall, like
Baphael's cheruba, betook themaelvaa
to throwing stones at the eat, while
they consulted ss to the special variety
o< Nemesis which should be visited on
Dolly's nnooDscioas bead.
"I've go* iri" Mid Johnny, smiting
■ his laf/nt'tast,"" !
"Ehr said Bffly. ,r
"Well make an April fopi of her I"
"Yea; bnt how?" said Bdtjb,
"Ah-b-hl" said Johnny. "Yon
always was a softy, Bill, I'll toll yon
• ••• * • • •
"Now, Norah," said Dolly, Boated at
the table, with the fresh sheet of paper,
the now steel pen and standisb of violet
ink before her, "bow aro we to begin ?
"Sure, miss," said Norab, who was
landing respectfully neur tho door,
*ith a clean colico apron, "an' ain't
that too plain like? Make it a little
sweeter, miss—tho saints bo good to
you I An' just tell hitu I lovo him
true, though I haven't told him so bo
fore, an' I'll be constant to him to tho
wurrcld's end 1 There !"
" Very well!" said Dolly, contracting
iier brows. " Keep still for a few
minutes—very still, mindl '
And Norah, shifting her weight from
ono foot to tho other, scarcely dared to
breathe, until at last Dolly ilnng aside
tho pon and pushed back hor chair,
roading out wh.it she hail composed
with all tho graco of rhetorical effect.
" Will that do?'' she asked.
And Norah, clasping her hands in de
" Oob, miss, an* book-print itself
couldn't bo fluer! An' if ye'll sign it
' Your own true love,' Mike 'II know
who it is, truo and certain."
" There is mamma's bell!" said Dolly,
suddenly. " linn, Norah! Wo'll incloso
tho letter in an envelopo and post it
after dinner. There has been quite
enough time wasted in love-letter writ
And tlifn she sat down, and fell into
a sort of half conscious reverie.
" All the girls have lovers," she said,
to licreelf; "oven poor Norah, who can
neither read nor write! They all have
lovers except me! Oh, I wonder—l
wonder how it would seem to have a
And instinctively her thoughts
wandered off to Helton Bellow, the
handsome, pale.browed young artist,
whose studio was on the next street.
" Ah," sho pondered, " he thinks of
nothing but his art! Ho lias no time
to dream of love I And if he had Inm
scarcely vain enough to fancy that he
wonld care for me I"
And Dolly Brooke erio.l a little, sho
did not know why. But when she
came upstairs after dinner tho love
letter was gone.
Dolly looked around her with a fright
ened face. The casement window was
open a little way to admit the March
sunshine, and she could only imagine
that tho breczo hail whirled tho sheot
out of the window.
" Poor Norah !" thonglit Dolly. "She
shall not bo disappointed t"
And so sho sat down and wrote it all
over again as nearly as she conld recol
lect tho impassioned phrases, inclosed
it in an envelope and directed it, cir
cumstantially, to "Mr. Michael Mnl
lany, Blancy Hill, County Discommon.
And then she herself earned it to
the post-box on tho corner, directly
under the windows of Mr. Bellow's
stndio. While Billy and Johnny in the
woodshed at tho end of the garden wore
giggling over tho first copy of poor
"We'll kill two birds with one
stone," said the precocious Billy, whose
rancor had been heightened by Dolly's
refnsal to give bim three helpings
of raspberry jam at dinner. "We'll
make an April fool of that Bellew fel
fow that comes prowling around to see
Dolly, and wo'll play a game on her!"
And Johnny, sittiug hugging his
knees on the tloor, chuckled aloud at
• • • •
The lit of Apr.l dawned ;hill and
bleak and showery, like anything bnt
the bright precursor of apring, and Mr.
Bellew WM just sitting to work on
"Maid Marian," when the postman
rapped loudly at the door, and a letter
directed in Johnny's schoolboy chirog
raphy was handed in.
Bellew broke it open in some bewil
derment, but his face lighted up when
he saw tho well known writing within.
What I had be carried a scrap of Dolly's
writing—the mere formula for some
society gamo which they had played at
her house—around in his broast-pocket
for six weeks not to know it now ?
"Mr OWK SwEKrrtBABT," it read, " I
am resolved at last to cast aside all false
pride, and confess how dear you are to
me. If it lowers me in yonr opinion, I
can bnt accept my lot in silence; but if
you will write to tell me that your heart
(Norah bad especially emlted on this
particnlar expression, as being " just
exsctly what she wanted Mike to under
"I shall be the happiest girl in
America. And ao I sign myself,
" FonEvan Toes Own TBCI LOVK.
Which latter somewhat abrupt
faablon of ending had also been tbe re
sult of N rth's fervent entreaty.
"He'll like it beat, mitt," she bad
aaid—" be will, indeed."
Belton Bellew reed the letter over
once, twice, three times.
"Am I dreaming t' he asked himself.
"The sweet darling—sbe has read my
secret sonl I I most have worn my
heart on my sleeve, for daws to peek!
at I Write, indeed I I will go to her
at once—this hour, this very second 1"
And, leaving " Maid Marian " staring
at the uncertain sunshine with only one
sido of her left eyebrow painted in,
Mr. Bellow rushed straight to the old
brown-brick house, where Dolly was
trimming her hyacinths, ut the window,
iu a bewitching little pink giugham
morning-dross, with blaok velvet bows
fastened on it here and there.
"Mr. Bellow!" she exclaimed, with
tho prettiest surprise, as honest Norah,
with her face one broad smile, showed
him into the parlor.
" Dolly 1" he exclaimed, breathlesly,
holding out both bauds-—" my own
Dolly turned pink and then pale,
"I don't understand you, Mr. Bel
low,"' said she.
Mr. Bellow's countenance fell
"Didn't yon write this letter? ' he
demanded, holding it out with a blank
expression of face.
" Yes," said Dolly, glancing over tho
familiar words in cxtremo amazement.
" I wroto it. Bat—but I don't know
how it ever came into yonr hands I"
" You sent it to ma I" said the artist.
"No, I didn't I" cried Dolly, bursting
into tears. "Asif I could ever send
such a letter as that to nny gentleman!
I—l don't know how you could think
so ill of mo as that I"
" Dolly," faltered poor Bolton 80l
lew, "didn't you mean it? Don't you
really care for mo ?"
"Whether I meant it or not, don't
signify," sobbed Dolly, with her face
still liuldeu behind her pocket-hand
"Oh, but it does 1" said Mr. IJellew,
gently obtaining possession of one of
her Lands. " Because, Dolly, I lovoyou
dearly! And if yon won't love me back
a very little I shall be wretched all my
life! I didu't think I ever should have
had courage to tell TOU this, darling,
lint now I fee! so brave that i ana deter
mined not to leave this placo without a
How they settled it nobody ever
knew precisely, not even Billy, who had
his mischievous little ear glued against
the keyhole in gleeful anticipation of "a
joily old row." But ho scampered
down stairs, three steps at a time, to
where Johnny wis labeling a lot of
"April Fools" for the decoration of
"Johnny," aaul he, "the thing hasn't
worked at all. She wasn't mad worth a
cent. He kissed ber, as sure as you'ro
alive, and she kiss< d him back; and he
put a ring on her finger I"
" Pooh I" said Johnny. " I've no pa
tience with such trash 1 Look here,
Bill, I've printed fourteen of "era
don't yon think that'll bo enongh?"
When Mr. BelLw went away, feeling
as if ho were treading on air, Dolly
came into the wood-sbed, where her
young brothers eyed her liko convicted
"Boys,'said she, "I've fonnd you
onL I saw Billy's writing on the out
side of that letter which was mailed to
" It was only au April fool, anyhow I"
muttered Billy, tnrmng vert red.
"No fellow thinks anything of that!"
" You did very wrong." said Miss
Brooke. " But you aro two darlings
and I love yon ever so mncb I"
And she kissed and hogged both the
yonng reprobates and then ran away np
stairs, qnite unaware that tbo artfal
Johnny bad succeeded in affixing a
large placard to the back of ber
"Girls slwsvs sro April fools when
they fall in love I" said that juvenile
Nor was ho altogether wrong; bnt
perhaps it was worth the obloquy of
th thing to bo so very, very hippy as
was Dolly Brooke.
The inhabitants of the Solomon
idsnds bsve a enrions system of deci
mal currency. A cocosnut seems to be
tho nnit Bnt tho circulating medium
consists of strings of white and red
shell beads, dogs' teeth and porpoise
teetb. One string of white money is
equivalent to ten cocoannts or ono flat
stick of tobacco. Ten strings of wbita
money make one string of red money or
one dog's tooth; ten dogs' teetb make
one " 1M " (or fifty porpoise tOeth), and
ten isss are eqnivstent to one "good
quality wife," So that a wife in good
society is worth ten thoassnd oocca
The German customs officials have
contrived to double and treble the tax
on many kinds of provisions imported
by simply taxing the wrappers and labels
as essential parts of the consignment
Thus cheese, enveloped in silvered or
tinfoil wrappers, they now levy duty on
as silvered wares. American corned beaf
in tine is taxed as fine iron war so. Ths
latest fest of ingannity In this direetion
is taxing Chinese liquors, essences, ete.,
whioh are oontained in glees bottles
covered with Cbineee letters and figures
on thin silk, as silk and satin.
Within the next four months it is pre
dicted that 40,000 German emigrants
will sail bom tho sing la port of Bremen.
TOPICS OF THE I)AY. I
Genera! Newton will givo nell Gate
another hoist this summer, using dy
namite enough to crnmblo eleven acres
of tho obstructing rocks. It baa cost
six years labor and 82,010,000 to get
thns far in tho work, and four years
more will be necessary to complete it.
Governor Jerome, of Michigan, has
given publio recognition to the benevo
lence of the country in relieving tho for
est fire sufferers by issuing a card of
thanks, no says that "the need of in
dividual assistance is now happily end
ed. Contributions ut the present time
have been equal to tbo earlier and most
pressing necessities, und the State has
made provision for the future.",
Since tbo beginuing of this conlnry
wheat cultivation has made great ad
vance iu France. It occupies übont
one-fourth the total of cultivated land,
and yields a crop valued annually at
over '2,000,000/. Since 1820 the yield
has shout doubled, and tho progress
np to ISGi was steady. For 1871-5 tho
average yield was further increased,
Ix-ing 101,000,000, but for 1870 80 it
fell to 94,000,000.
Thero havo recently been received at
tho United State treasury in Washing
ton, in the coarse of business, quite an
amount of counterfeit silver dollars.
Tbo department is informed that there
are a largo number of counterfeits of the
coin in circulation,especially in the West.
Tho center of tho counterfeits seems,
from the reports recoivod, to be Chicago,
and, as a rule, the couuterfeits are re
ported to bo very fairly executed.
Tho emigration officers at New York
expect that at least 500,000 emigrants
will land in tht city during the present
year. Thero have never been so many
Italians coming to America as now.
Over I,G!X) landed in one week, and
they report that their countrymen will
como in swarms this year. The Ger
man element still predominate*, and it
i* noticeable that the better class of
Germans are now coming. The steam
ship men say that they have not *hi|>s
enough to accommodate all who want to
Governor Hawkins, of Tennessee,
thinks the prospects of the South a* a
manufacturing section are very flatter
ing, and he is especially enthusiastic
about his own State. About f2.000.WK)
aro now invested in Tennessee in cotton
factorice, and they are in a prosperons
condition and paying large profits. In
1880 the capital invested iu the mann
factureof iron was fttf,84,776 and the
governor is confident this industry has
increased fully fifty per cent, since.
There is a deep interest in the iron in
dustry in the Slate, and capital is being
put in it constantly.
Borao of tho fct given in tbo Grot
volume of tbo cen*as re worth noting.
For instance, the t0'..1 population of
the country ii 50,153,783—an increase
cf 30.08 per cent, since 1870. Of this
numl>er 43,402,970 are white, 0,580,793
colored, 6C.407 civilijed Indians, 105,405
Chinese and 148 .Taiwanese. Tifslc.r num
ber 25,518,820. and the females 24,636,-
003. 43,475,840 arc native and 6,G79,013
foreign born. The total area in aqnarc
miles of the States and Territories,
not including Alaska's 577,390, is
3,025,000, a'-ont 800 less than the
census of 1870 slated. The total
area of settlement embraces 1.569,.
570 sqnsro miles, ogai ist 1,272,239 in
1870. The average density of the pop
nlstion in the settled ares, thirty-two
persons to the square mile, has in
creased by only two since 1870, not
withstanding the great growth of popu
lation. The center of population—
meaning by thia the point at which
eqnilibrinm would be reached if the
country were taken as s plain surface
and loaded with its inhabitants in nuro
ber and position as they are found at
the present timo—is in Kentucky, one
mile from the sonth benk of the Ohio
river and a mile and a half southeast of
A man who carriei eccentricity to the
rerge of dementia has just marisd off
hand a chambermaid is a St. Louis
hotel where he was staying. The idea
of matrimony teems to have occurred
to him suddenly, and he took tho first
chance of carrying it into effect One
of the honsemaids refused hi* advances,
bnt another, after once repulsing, ac
cepted him. His dress and manner
wert so strange that every bod v thought
he must be erazy, and it was the
universal opinion that ths girl
was. Bnt when it was learned that
he bore the honest name of A. F.
Brack man, that he hailed from
Nebraska, where be had accumulated n
fortune, and that ha had bestowed
nnm sro as costly gifts npon his bride,
opinions changed. Ha annonooed his
determination to be married on Wednee
day last, and the bride was ready at 11
o'clock, at which hoar hs started in
search of a clergyman. As ths day
passed and ha did not ratarn enrioaity
deepened, and toward evening the con
viction had become general that ha had
backed out. Bat abont midnight ha re
turned, without a clergyman. However,
a justice of the peace wax aecured, and
shortly afterward the ceremony iu per
formed in the hotel parlor in the pies
ence of a crowd of spectators.
The traps are tlie principal part of the
lay-out in the lobster fishery, a captain
of a fishing smack said to a New York
reporter. They're like bird-cages, hut
the lobsterman would rather see a dozen
lobsters in one of them than a dozen
canaries, I tell yon. Each trap is about
four feet long by two feet wide and two
foot high. They are made of slata sot
pretty wide apart, so the lobster can see
the nice bait inside. The bait is fixed
on a row of perpendicular hooks. The
lobsterman puts enough stones in the
trap to sink it, and fastens a piece of
lino to it. At the other end of the line
is a piece of wood for a buoy to show
hiin whore the trap is. If the line gets
loose, ten chances to one ho loses his
trap. Both ends of tbo traps are made
of rope netting well tarred. The bait?
Well, cod's head is about as good as
anything. Connors do very well and
are often eoaked. Mister Lobster bails
np to the trap, looks between the
slats, and sees a nice cod's head
just waiting for him to eat
it. Ho can't get in between the slats,
so he takes a walk around the premises
looking for the front door. He soon
| finds it, because it was put there for
him to find. Iu one of the rope net
work ends a hole is left—a very pretty
hole, just largo enough for the lobster
to go through in. lie walks back
ward, you know, and his claws slip
through without any trouble. When
ho gets in he can't get out. That, yon
see, is the percentage in favor of the
game. If ho know enough he could
got out without any trouble. Finding
: himself in a scrape he tries to walk out
frontward, and he can't do it. If be
had sense enough to back out ho would
|bo ail right. Ho don't eat much cf the
bait. If there aro twenty lobsters in
' a trap in tbo morning there isn't gener
i ally more of the bait gone than a piece
as big as your finger. Maybe they're
so scar d it affects their appetites. A lob
sterman has to have a hundred or a bun
dre 1 and fifty of tbeoc traps if he wants to
make a living. He drops th"-m around
in a circuit that often covers several
miles, and visits tbcru all every morn
ing. In the winter time, when he has
to fish in deep water, the lobsterman
often runs a good many risks. But it's
very seldom you hear of a lobsterman
being drowned. He goe* out with his
dory loaded with traps, for ho has to
take them in frequently to bait them
and make the necosaary repairs. If the
lobster* knew their own strength they'd
make short work of the rope ends of the
traps. But they don't. With his lug
front claws he can crush a clam shell.
If you don't bclieTe lobsters bare any
strength just let one of them take hold
of yonr finger. Ho eats clams, mnsaels,
Conner*, flonndors and snch fish. Ho
holds them in bis claws, like a thumb
and finger, and then sucks away at
them till he gets what ho wants.
Plnsiral Bcgonerary in Cities,
The best season ol the year for esti
mating the comparative health of city
residents and conntry people is the
early spring, for winter gives increase
of appetite and compel* stout physical
resistance of low temperature. The
comparison is decidedly against city
life. Young and old, rich and poor, the
denizens of large cities appear to phy
sical disadvantage beside rnral resident*
of equal intelligence. In the city there
are many luxuries that come to be re
garded as necessities, exercise worth the
name is almost unknown, the atmos
phere out of doors is far inferior, to
that twenty miles sway, while indoor* t
thanks to small rooms, small wall ex
poaare and imperfect plumbing the air
ia generally an fit to breathe. City
people, as a rule, are far more care
ful in their pb vsical habits than conntry
people, bnt no attention to minor
details can compensate for lack ol exer
cise, pnre air and the vigorous appetite
that insnrea sufficient physical repair.
City people may display rosier faces
and brighter eyes than their conntry
cousins, bat consumptives, at a certain
stage of their malady, can outdo either.
The test of health is endurance, and,
judged by thia, either mental or physi
cal, the city man ia the inferior of the
countryman. The rage for atbletio
sports among city youth ia good as far
as it goes, bnt it does not go far enongh:
of the members of boatclnba, ball clal s
and similar organizations abont one in
ten do something, while the other nine
think it snfilcient sport to thrust their
hands into their pockets and look on.
There are plenty ways of overcoming
most of tho degenerating influence* of
city life, bat the fact that few people
avail themselves of them shows that
ths city man does not even know what
good phyaioal condition is.—Mis IV k
Wooden shoos are worn in the West,
and enough of them ere sold to keep a
large laotory going at Green Bay.
They are eat onl of green beeswood,
end ere then smoked and dried, and
sell tor thirty-two oenta a pair.
In tlii; Lane.
They met In llio I*ne by ib<> jin-tnri gate,
(A bird ssria—sweetly a little bird ssotf.
Hlie thought it was • lnoce, but be knaw it war
(Ou a awaylnit tree-top the bright bird aang)
" I bare notri'-tlnag to tell yon, ' be gently said.
.She blushed like a rose-leaf an 1 lut ber bead.
Wbile loudly the gay bird n-rig.
" riark to tbe bird in the old oak lr#e!"
("I love ray love," Um wooing bird samp.
' Ho is 1 -older than I, let b rn ej.eik lor ma.
("Now aud forever," the bravo bird aaug).
" I hear bis music, but, Itoy, 1 fear
When tba son* blown into the wamag year,
He'll forget the aong bo aaiig!"
" Listen, love, *o tbo hopeful bird!*
t" 1/rvome, 1 love thee," tbo loud bird aangi
" "nly in apring tune bis voice is beard."
t" 1 will lie true," the bold bird sang )
" Trust mo, rny darling! I, too, will l>e trn.
And my love .ball i.iako spring titso tbo whole
year through 1"
" i i lie, true," the sweet bird wig.
lJrltn J.runne Origg.
A cooking club—The rolling pin.
A fowl in the hencoop ii worth two
in the baseball field.
There is, after all, only one real bone
of contention in the world, and that is
It ia getting to war J tbo season for
discovering turtles wnh'G. W„ 1776,"
cut on tLcir ahells.
It's the easiest thing in the world to
make a parrot become a bluebird. Tako
hii food away from him.
A wit being aakod, on the failure of a
bank, "Were you not upaet f" replied ;
" No, I only lost my balance."
A correspondent refer? to Os;ar Wilde
as "a glucose diaciplo of the beaatifal."
This is the ecvcrest blow glucose has
Human nature, RJVS a writer, is fond
of tho mysterious. Tais explains why
the present generation tackles so kindly
to mince pie.
A correspondent wants to know where
the expression "L' t np" comes from.
We believe it comes from the fellow
who isn't on top in the fight.
" It is s'.range," remarks an exchange,
"how much better a pictures photog
rapher can take to hang in a showcase
than he can take for a customer."
A middle-sized boy, writing a com
position on " Extremes," remarked that
"we should endeavor to avoid ex
treme*, especially those of wasps and
"I thick the goose has the advantage
of you," said a lady to an inexpert
boarder who was carving. "Qucss it
has, mum—in age," was the withering
A priest once asked a condemned
criminal in a Paris jail; "What kind of a
oonscience have yon?" "It's as good
as new," replied the prisoner; "for I
have never used it."
Brownson—"Well, I always make it
s rule to tell my wife everything that
h.ipiena." Hmilbkins—"Oh, ruy dear
fellow, that's nothing, 1 tell my wifo
lots of things that never happened at
A fashion writer says: "A rather
novel shade in bonnets has a tall,
ateeple-like projection rising above the
wearer's bead." To preservo the unities,
a steeple-like projection which begins
in vanity should end in ranc.
We notice an article extensively
copitd describing certain lecturer* who
are afraid of their audiences. But no
genuine sympathy appears to bo shown
toward the many weary, tortured audi
ences who are afraid of their lecturer*.
Conjugal amenities: "Do jou know
in what month of the year my wifo talks
the least?" " Well, I suppose when she
catches cchl and loses her voioe." "Not
at all. It is in February." " Why is
that?" •• Because February hss the
Patting young hopeful through an
oral examination in botany: "Where
do the apples come from?" " The apple
tree." •• And the pears?" " From the
l>ear tree." • And the figs?" " From
the fig tree." " And tho dates?** "From
A contemporary asks: "How shall
women carry their purses to frustrate
the thieves V Why, carry them empty.
Nothing frustrates a thief more than to
snatch a woman's purse, after following
her half a mile, and then find that it
contains nothing bnt a recipe for spiced
peaches snd s fsded photograph of her
Miss Carpenter was a teacher in aj
school, and John Davis was her "wotdH
boy." One day she said to him:
if yon do not behave yourself, I will
box your ears 1" "You're a carpenter,"
said Davis, saucily, "and yon might q
hammer me, bnt it's plain yon couldn't
box my ears V She did box hie oars,
A Chinese Lover.
They were seated on Bis sols where
they had been for four long hours.
" Augustus, do yon know why you re
mind ma of the Chinese?"
"No, dearaet; whyT
" Because yea wont go."
The meeting then edjonraed sine din.