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There's No Base Like Home
ByH.CmTWER
Kd IJarmon. oho admit he has
Douglas Fairbanks looking Me a
fwr, ieua trtcna joe aooui ne m
ha motile- lit th InUiwntnn letter. In'
ttaUmnts from II. a. Wltwer's latest
. -j4 tntlt hm nf-i.rf itnlltl
J ' " "
J rt thti Banks of the Hudson Far Awav.
V?AM Jm. Tas lftt lAMAnli nIA Ann
i I'BJld nil ttlAt tnrt nf rnt. ttjl Mr rATYlArlC
B'j1 in London, I itm :h hipplest guv In the
i worm noi cnuntin nox Avenuo, oo-
fr. !! 1-M .11. 1 k & 1 !.- .(.11.1,1
i w iiijt muni, iiiiiir-int. iihs yum...
J wt lh stnkrs nnd depnrttd for Europo
I. and I Am once nioro the ralenln' man
's arch In tny own home. My charmtn
Wife's lenirua of relation Ini ludln' tht
I Mlm (le doi; found that a fmr dayi tit
i- Harmony Hall was about alt they could
;i:i uun una now tney come in ieav maius
ll a delightfully story full of human Inter-
' Mt and (ha etc. which would be worthy
of the typewriter of a minor Gtvnn. t
will endeavour to tell you the thing In
my own Inlmlcnl wny, because Joe, thin
la the lait lotter you will gat from mc
for a Ion; apace of time In the lust twr
rears I nave wrote vou more letters
than the HtAte Department sent Mexico
anu initcna ?t ireatin- tnem in conn
donee ou havo none to work und had
them printed so'h all the world can set
them and read nbout my moat Intimately
4oln's and the like.
Also, Jo;, uhllst wo art on tho sub
ject, who Is this Arthur William & Drown
which vou havo allowed to draw linns
Jnery pictures of mo nnd Jcnnno and my
baby. Where docs that i?uy Ret off to
leave nut the dimple In m chin nnd how
much Jack is sou and this Ilrown party
pllttln' for thene letters of mlno, hey?
It looks like to mo ns If I am liclr.'
trimmed nil around nnd nmde to llko It
It you only had brains enough to let mo
know ou had to have pictures to pu
with my letters, why I could of hupplled
11 of them at n price which I feel cer
tain would be loner than ou must of
, aid for caliln' In a strnnser
Tou may not be nuare of the 'acU
that I am looked on ns Komcthln' of the
Jialnter, msr'f, Joe, nnd they Is at tho
east a dozen corpuscles of artists' blood
couisln' through my velrs. My first
courln Jules TIMi swune v menu white
wash brush In his day nnd my uncle
made his llvln' by beln' handy with a
pleci of chalk. Of course he did moM
of his drawln" on the sldct of fr"lht
cars nn'l he wns down in tho paroll
tinder tho hetdln "f a "checker ' but
he would of no doubt made a name for
hlmelf If It vinni't for tie cai"ltv ot
models for the plctular stuff he ilraued
The majority of his works Joe. vni
called "80 X4S Scaled O IC ' .ind
It la hard to get models to pose for that,
Jiey7
But to Ket lmck to the point, Joe, I
havo taken tho liberty of drnnln' a Il
lustration for this letter to show, lr
my wife's family leavln' Harmon Hsll
to go back to thoe dear France. This
Is a rlniT-slrte sketch, Joe, and whMit
It might be a trltle rough In spots, ox
must remember thnt I had but two scart
weeks to devote to It and toward tho
end I had to dtDend entirely on memory,
You oughl to bo able to get Jils Arthur
William & Drown to retouch It up a llttli
and If ou can use It I will let ynu havo
It for exactly what the materials I used
cost me. I enn have this done In olive
oil or the watery colors whlchevor yctt
prefer at n slightly additional cost and
whilst the nnlntln may bo K little roucll.
as I say, you can see that the talent Is
there
Well. Jos. herd ll the naln'ln'.
You cart see from my drawln' thnt It
would only bo a matter of a few days
of hard study, Joe, before I wouidst Do
able to make theso guys llko Arthur
William & IJrown, nuoe Goldberg and
mis pronunin recruu, .uiko uia jingein.
look like, n mcrelv nortce but why should
I take the bread nnd butter out of their
mouth? I bcllev a man should stick to
)ih own game and live and let live, hey
joer
Uut to iret nwny from tno arts for n
secend, I will tell you about the reign
in terror wnicn i nau to put up with at
my home durln' the epidemic of mv
wife's relations and also how the scourge
i ' mm out oy ute simple use of dl
piomacy.
v , l used to think a diplomat wnk
i rich guy which tho President snt to
South Algeria so's to get the pest out
of ear shot, but now I know different
since I tried my hand at dtplomattin
myself. A diplomat, Joe, Is a guy which
let us take for the example, le, he Is
at a ball and he sees n woman g'st
which from her looks wouidst be safe
anywheres and he turns to his male
tetr-a-tete and remnrks, "What a ter-
riDio looker that damo is, hey7 and his
Ms-n-is men snys. xnais my sister I'
Well, the aerago guy would be rtum
founded, Joe, but the diplomat lots forth
a pleasantly smile nnd says, "Pardon
me, old man I thought It was my
wife '" Thus castn' the strains of a
dellcito situation
Well lennno and mo went down to the
pier and welaomed her family after they
got through nttendln' the Informal re
ception which tho customs guys gle
them nnd then thev nil nlled Into thj
car. First they was a klssln' bee and
the only one which didn't osculate mo
was tno cnien (le dog ) He gimme n
longln' look at that, but I would of
brained the Intelligent animal If It had
tn k a step toward mo so he content
himself with a couple of lnoultln' barks
Jeinne refused to grnnt mc the boon of
rldln' out-Ode with tho chauffeur, with
the result that all th-1 was up I had
to undergo the torture of a barrage o'
French which would make the Tower of
Babel sound like a deaf and dumb class
asleep.
I dooted my time on tho trip UP.
Joe, to thlnkln' of was and means to
get rid of my charmtn' brldo's relntlvcs
without havln' to face no Jury as a ro
sult of my endeavors, but I guoss beln'
In the moles hns deadened mv allow
ance of brains and by the tlmo we
reiched the portals of my home I was
still In whit Is known a a quandry 1
had plenty of time, though, to loott over
the layout and I sea th followln' ; First,
my wlfo'a father Is a aged man whtoh
must of made a solemn vow In child
hood that he would never undtr no cir
cumstances allow a razor to be piled
over his chin and up to the time I met
him h had successfully resisted all at
tempts to wean htm away from his
oath ; second, mv mother-tn-law has evi
dently fell In loo with Fatty Arbucklc's
figure and Is determined to duplicate It
como what may,' third, my brother-ln-the-tnw
la filled with tho Idea that the
subject o the war has been let drop
tno au ck and thereroro ne wears a unsy
form to remind the Innocent bystander
of it and not content with that he Is
all dfeorated up with medals like
Soma's Dand or the eta, and fourth,
my slstcr-ln-the-law Is one of tho pret
tiest girls you, me or anybody olso ever
soen outside of Jeanne.
As for chlen (lo dog), the less said
the better. It Is what Is Itnowed to tho
trade as u French poodle, Joe. and
apart from that It Is tho weirdest lookln
animal I ever seen In my llfo since tho
tlmo I got gassed and delerloua.
Well, we fln'ly arrived at tho mansion
and first we hao a slght-seoln' trip
oer Harmony Hall with Jeanno as lec
turer and me as deputy guide. As
result of tho Jaunt nround the plnco l
seen two rooms 1 never knowed we had
beforo and then comes blow number one.
The minute I come In tho room, m
mother-ln-thc-law presented mo with
one terrible look and then commenco
to holler murder In French about tho
way I am holdln tho child. To the ac
companiment of some shoulder nhakln'
which would make Heo Palmor and
Ollda Gray go out and take carbolic.
Joe, my own legally child Is snatched
away from mo nnd whilst I am still
bollln' with tho honeBt rago I harpen
to glanco around and sea my brother-In-thc-ltw
grabbln' off a handful of
some lmporttd Turkish clgnrettes (advt)
which come to mo by the !a of a Xmitb
present from Stevo Eller, the last ot
the bartenders
Joe, by this time I am tho logical
candidate for the straight Jaokat ana
Jeanno U payln' tha samo amount of at
tention to ma that a elophant lavishes
on a flea. Then comes tno last straws
which bust the camel's hump. My ols-ter-ln-the-law,
which has been evdtln
the majority of hr tlma to pattln the
chlen, grants me tho boon of a critical
gat and then turns to Jeanne and Uars
nft n nnimla vnnti of ITrfnCh. ThlS IS
translated to me practically Immediate
ly, Joe, and tho gist of tha thing Is that
I have got to lane iwo, "i
for a afrln'. ... . . . ,
Bofor 1 know what I am doln' Jeanne
has throwed my fur's coat around mo
and pushed me out Into the snow with
this Infernally omen on a siring aim "
instructions not to come bock for a
hour. I am so frantically mad that 1
would of been wlllln' to take on a
mountain's Hon at catchwelghts and
stoke tho lion to tho first coupla falls.
I drag this chlen hlthors and yon oft
In tho stilly night and tho first time It
started to bark I growled at It so fero
ciously that It quit cold and devoted
Itself to whlnln and tryln' to hide In
the snow. Well, Joe, 1 nm walkln'
along keepln' ray lonely vigil, as Iam
let was often heard to remark, and
thlnkln' of my cruel fato when I all
but bump Into another guy which Is
likewise nt tho ono end of n chain
that has a dog at the other end. Of
course from that I can Immediately see
that he Is a husband, Joe, and wo both
size each other up without sayln' nothln ,
but each hopln' tho other would break
up tho Ico and sp.'ak. Fln'ly he looks at
me nnd gives vent to a cough.
"Fine animal you got there," ho says,
"French poodle, hey?"
"Ych," I says. "And I'll make you
a gift of It right now If you are In
clined to dogs I"
Well. Joe, he laughs.
"I know just how yo'i feel," he says,
"and you ain't got nolhln' on me I
havo got to take this hero Pomeranian
out twice a (lay eo's wo can havo a little
peace In tho family. I bon doln' this
for a year, but bellevo me. tonight Is
tho last night 1 I am gettln' oleic und
tired of bain' a governess for a dog
and when I bring this beagle In this
cvenln' I'm gonna deolara myself. Either
me or tha frankfurter goes I Am I right
or wrong?"
Well, Joe, that was Just what I was
lookln' for and in another minute m
nnd this guy Is as thick as glue on
account ot our havln' the, common bond
of beln' exercise boys for a coupla dogs.
Mario, tho Imported maid, meets me
at the door, I am pale and cool, Joe,
with the most deadly calm. 1 remem
ber feclln' the soma way tho first tlm
we went up to tha front a coupla yearf
nim. f!omn what ma.v T hfLVA made UP
my mind that tha league of relations
must go I I Immediately adopt my sec-
ona lieutenant's manner.
"Send Mrs. Harmon here at onoc
snap Into It I" I barkB at Mario,
She gtmmo a startled lock and beat It-
Joe, I havo made up my mind Just
what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna hurl
Jeanne's family out In the snow for a
starter ana men
And then, Joe, Jeanno comes out. I
miittf nf nmianrinrfil more ttmn than i
thought with this other dog guy, be
cause she Is tn oVenlh's clothes and they
Is sounds of revelry wlthlnj She gimme
on Castings
Machine Molding Our Specialty.
Limited capacity for prompt
delivery.
Fleet of Motor Trucks make daily
deliveries to Philadelphia
and vicinity.
Cnll, write or phone T.ansdale 4S0
Lansdale Foundry Co., Lansdale, Pa.
Gray Ir
X WLmd fay
Service
First!
Every Prest-O-Lltc serv
ice, station is equipped to
render Picst-O-Lite Service-
the service which has
been tho recognized symbol
of courtesy, efficiency and
despatch, from the earliest
days.of the motor industry.
Obvg5
4XuJGr
"sU!pj7)(it CV
1343-45-47 Brandywino St.
Offlclnl I'rrnt-n-Mte
DIntrltiutoM
at jfour service
Auoc'ialt Stations Evtrywhtrt
Norwnod Unttery Bheo
Norwood. Pa.
Ilnttfrr flerylee Co.
gll 8, ?! Ht.
r,. 1. Cornell
flSSA OieMnnt Ht.
UnUrrn! Anto Rnpplr Co.
310 X. Btd fit.
Sonthwnrk Isnltton Co.
1812-14 Wnjder Ave.
American Motor Service
tm N. nronil Ht.
DamMy-Welker
lath nnd Tlogn Hts.
John W. Thfirkara
BI 4 S Oernmntown Ave.
U'nfthlneton Lane, (Inrnse end
Mnrhlne Miop. JenUlntown. 1'n.
Dnvlf e-tonn Auto Supply Co.
28 8. Mnln St.. DoTlmtown
TCorrlMonn Motor Co.. Mnln
A Hnrhmlocw Htw.. NorrUtown
Comntnn-Ilutlrr Co.. Inc.
nain Are. A Cltr I.tne. IHIn
Centril Oarnce
I.onrio-nc. 1'n.
AJillMin 1'oMer. Jr..
Dnrlu. i'n.
Co.
500 RUGS
Samples, Mill Ends
Wiltons Axminsters
Velvets Brussels
All Shea
40 SAVING
FEINSTEIN STORAGE CO.
House of Bargains
S .E. Cor. 9th & Spring Garden Sts.
Open Ktcs.
Crating Free Dtllrerr
"FREEZONE"
Lift Off Corns! No Pain!
FmMmmmmmmmmm
Omofike (Zuntryb largest pmdueexs andmSnGisofcd
asmmswsiswmswitnrgfswjSf,stimmmmmmasBmmmaA
"" " " ' ii "Til jjjP iii ' 1 rlr
Ask Your Workmen How Long Oil
Lasts on Their Machines
Bearing friction causes heat
and heat burn9 up both
bearing surfaces the
process is called wear.
It's a pretty expensive job to
replace a bearing in ma
chinery and so we cushion
both bearing surfaces with
an oil Him. Instead of
burning each other they
combine forces to burn the
oil.
The whole test of oil quality
is how long it will last
against this wear, or fric
tion, or heat.
Crew Levick oils are quality
oils. Test them this way
and make it a comparative
test make them compete
with the best oils you know
of. It's rather an important
test, for it affects your
pocketbook.
Your workmen will be in
terested in the test, too, for
quality oils make efficient
workmen.
i.iiui&iisiiWiiuiihnramtawutfw
mmuxm lj
Crew Levidk Compaoiy
New York
Philadelphia
Boiton Syracuie Chicago
Tl rWUiMQti Sane CJt
fS3Kfc8iUiJiJ4T I
St. Paul XWlSMHli
V K
W
Doesn't hurt a bit I Drop a little
"Fnezone" on an aching corn. Instantly
that corn stops hurtlnu, then shortly
vou lift It rlBht oft with lingers. Truly!
Your druggist sells a tln bottle of
Treezone" for a few cents, HUlllctent to
remove every hard corn, soft com, or
corn between the toes, nnd tho calluses,
lthout sorcneca or Irritation.
.,.!.... . . 1 .. .- L- .
one eearcmn iook ana men, jor, ins us
innB n rhdstflv aalutB on my rorehe&a.
standln' on her toes and with her face
Ycry nucnea ana me iiko. -
iVMnitatvl aJ. IftVH. atllf With hir
arms around me and why not. "I have
the aemniim surDrieea ior you, ji
"Hey, listen 1" l says, "i am roa up
Willi Ultiii uviiiniiM,, nwiimi. .w
and this last one you pulled will do me
ior soino iiiiio. nvn tiittfc AiMiiii w
yours has " ., . ,
Thev leave, on the very next steam
er," says Jeanne. 'They will not stay
hero now because because Edouara,
you will never guess ' , ,
"Shoot 1" I nays. "I can't stand no
more suiinenso." i,
"Viola I" says Jeanne, with a glBBle.
"They have Just learn of this what you
call prohibit-on and-well t hey cannot
havo thoso wlno with the-dlnnr, t hen
poof they go back to Franco I Nest
"joe? I como near swponln1 with Blmple
loy. Three rousln- cheers for prohlbl-
tl0"Kliieme whilst I'm happy I" I hollers.
"Now what's the other surprise?
t J ' - '
sMtA aOlAfai L. .
JJST. 1VLtr'"$: - i0S ;l
v (, ft
Joe; Jeanne
uavvi acDi'L rm ,Ai..- v
htr mouth clo ta"" A
ear. ' w
ir7' alSJHSfc"? oon-t ,
another father! "m WntiA v,
Yours Truly,
ED. HARMON t hm. i.l.
bocauM that will Just makVupt1
THE END
OopyrigM, lttO, Doulltdau . .
" " "w 4 ft I
BSSSSSSSSSBHSSSSSSBBSBSSSBnlsBHBBlSSBHQBBH4BiBBBaBBn9!BKSSSSsT P jKSffa BSaBSSSSSSBSSS
BBBBBBBBSBBBBBSBBSBBBBSBBBBSSBnDSBBBBBSBBDSBBBBBBBSBBSBSBBKjOpT
BsfliisilllHBSsBHIBBwHilsssssHHaaSllBssssslsssssH
People PMtii throuth Droid Street Scstloa
r make five thouund ultphone calu a day.
How many times a day do you
imagine the telephone directory
is consulted?
Wouldn't it help your busi
ness to have your message
displayed in the Fall issue
of the Bell Telephone
Directory which goes to
press September 20th v
Advertising Forms close September 15th
oArrange now for advertising space by calling
'Directory cAdvertising Manager "Filbert 2790"
THE BELL TELEPHONE COMPANY OF PENNSYLVANIA1
v.inr-y ,.! , , Knij,, IU11.. f
HTKAMHHIP NOTICES
STr.WIMlIP NOTICIW
bTKAMHIIIf NOTICES
8TKAMBH1P NOTICES
ft aJ-EfSK?f-l3feK
rjMwWs flffrtft r Mmi
1 2 E
1 WiBmiWJIM
m- wwmrAwm
mm. iSf jcjIUV 4rj ' i .iJj
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If'
1 at
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SEPTEMBER is to be n hot month
this year, and the city dweller will
feel the cnervatiner effect of thf He.
layed summer unless he is wise enough to
disregard tne caienaar anu take a late vaca
tion when the weather kettle boils over.
The monthof September will show the Canyon
of the Saguenay at its best, and the gorgeous
St. Lawrence with its Thousand Island gems
will be a picture of beauty unsurpassed.
It i3 the wonder trip from "Niagara to the
Sea" to which we invite you for September,
the ideal holiday month across Lake Ontario',
down the St. Lawrence and through the'
Rapids to the old, old city of Montreal, and
the still older Quebec, and then up the glori
ous Saguenay.
f i -LW 11
""sstssdB
MsT a isV sIH
S5v -Sl. ---. '- - ,; MM
2w - ' MJ
!j Shooting the Rapxda of the jBr I
i 'frv . Mjawrence y
3BKKKtSfiKt sH
in September 1
&- iJ)-
Take Your Vacation
To suit thedelayed season we have arranged
an extra schedule for late vacationists on the
splendidly appointed boats that skirt the shore
lines of Canada's most picturesque water
ways, from "Niagara to the Sea."
Come and fortify yourself for the long winter
days with a week's vacation in the season's
most beautiful month.
No Reduction in Service and No Increase in
Passenger, Meal or Stateroom Rate
For full information call or telephone J. J. Daly,
STqS gCM' Canada StcamBhip Lines, 17 West
42d Street, New York, (Telephone Vanderbllt
1517) or wnte John F. Pierce, Paasenger Traffic
Manager Canada Steamship Lines, Ltd., 116
U S. L. Buildlntr. WTnr, I ri ,
a, ...-.mwi, unaaa.
CANADA STEAMSHIP LINES
r.
& MONTnEA!
n Ea c OTTbi-vSSSS
axAxiiKs-?,
waBsH
TWTtfi x Rk at m uuebee c
h ixw&mNmtiyr . t
IMI III I HI ssl I -aS.Jt NCSTOM.vUHOCKVILLCi
D . "'Hliii lff'..--c-!SaJ o S;S3eSgS--f';-a'-1'''"- VW---.
1 Toronto" rvsS. vi:
I '&rS B. AKB3
I -iNIAGAnA FALLS
I - BUFFALO
-rrrrTmn I ninininn T7TTfinHJ tiry" """tltllllU tlUlivl ll III! 1 1 I lliltlltll lfU IliHlllllH IliiltL
HIMllMtyffllM SAQUCNAY W.S.I-HOTII.J
"s,3iJiJUw"i'i'''''mHiiiiijii
e.wT.i.L?sJS35r-
fSSC
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Rifite
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1 1 iu-i' Ss
s&3;r c.
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A thousand miles of travel-A thousand thrills of pleasure
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