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EVENING PUBLIC LEDGEE PHILADELPHIA, WEDNESlXAY, ' JANUARY 28, 1920
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I-1 1Ii;r,1rl " MdlnRton Vlre Pp-'MmiIi John t
I, , Srrlln,P'tvl(rv nna TrcHurr: Philip H I'nlllnr
!., 'Jojmlt, Vllllnm, .lolin .1 Ppurfroii, Director.
' Cmcs It K ''nitm, Chalrmxn
JOMTD M. S.MU.i:t lMltor
JOHN C. MAnTIK .. .General ilUBlne?? Manager
i TubllMifri dlly at I'tBLto I.En.irit Uulldln.
(inapp'nuencn square, rnimnoirnm.
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Th CtcMiMi 1'lhiii- Lmir.tR Is 3?rv?d tn uli
crihors In T'hllmjftlphla and rurroundlns lon-rn
at the rate of twelve (121 cents tsr v-eek, payable
lly mall in'rolnts ouleHe of riilltdelphla. In
the United mates I .inada, or United Mates ros
lesion, postuRi" trtr. fills ")0 imts rr month.
Bit fJ8 dollar pel" year, payable In ad-anr.
To all forelsn countries one ($11 dollar per
month. ,, . .
Noticr Subscribers Tvlhlnc address chanced
mutt give old as well i new address.
ULtt.. 3000 irtlM'T KF.VsTONC. MUN 1000
VOT A ddrcss all ootmnuttlcatlonv to .'I'cndiff rnbHa
Ledger Indf mndmt r Hquare. I'llllodrlnla.
Member of the Associated Preas
77'' l.VSO' 1 rLli rur.SH it cxcln
ehdu entitled to the use for icpuhUcattoii
of all iirir.-r dhpatehes i-rrdttcd to it or nut
otherwise eredltcd in this paper, cud also
the laeal netos t'thllihcd therein.
All rights of republication of special dis
patches hcrcm arc also reserved.
fhilidtlpMi. Wrdnridar. Jaimirr IS, 19:0
THE PULL NO LONGER WORKS
TT HAS taken oiil three uceKh for tlie
new (ulininiKtrnlioii to difceover liow the
insiectors ho oed their iippointnient to
U.o t'ontrae'or v hose work th".v inspeeted
have been m the habit ol doing their
duty.
Director Winston ordered that certain
work be done by the street cleaners.
After a suitable time tho inspectors re
ported that the work had been done. The
director went over tho streets and dis
covered that the work had not been done.
Now fifty inspectors have been trans
ferred to other districts, whero they will
bo allowed an opportunity to disclose
their fitness to inspect. If they arc
caught covering up the delinquencies of
the contractors again they will be allowed
to earn their living in some other way.
If Director Winston had owed his ap
pointment to the fame influences that
secured the appointment of the inspec
tors he might have been just as willing
as they to wink at slackness.
The grip of the contractors on the City
Hall has been broken, and if things go on
as at present we are likely to see cleaner
streets, at any rate, than we have en
joyed for many years.
THE "L" TO FRANKFORD
pJELAY in the work of the Frankford
"' elevated hindered tho real estate
boom and the better general development
of community affairs that will come about
naturally in the northeast section of the
city with improved transit.
West Philadelphia became a different
place after the first subway system was
built and put in operation. Land values
went up. New residential areas were
opened. Similar benefits will follow in
the Kensington and Frankford regions
when the new elevated is completed. Mr.
Moore's efforUs to have trains running by
"July is highly commendable.
Defective street-car service is tending
to split the city up into a series of iso
lated communities. Faster and better
transit sen ice is necessary for the life
of the central city and that of the outly
ing and semisuburban region.
A DIFFERENCE
MR. TAFT led ii
held by an upt
in a presidential ballot
by an uptown church club. Mr.
Hoover was a close second. General
"Wood trailed. Senator Harding didn't
even trail.
Those who voted were representative
citizens without any particular personal
or party bias. And since their view
seems to be an exact reverse of the view
held by professional party men at Wash
ington, where neither Taft nor Hoover is
a favorite, arc we to assume that Wash
ington is made only.for misrepresentativc
Americans?
EDWARDS AND THE JAILS
fCEAN county, Now .forsey, has dis-'-'
covered that it docs not need the new
jail for which arrangements were making
before the fatal January 10.
The demand for accommodations in the
old jail has fallen oil to sueh an extent
that it now appears the building is ade
quate for all present needs. This is be
cause the pernicious activities of John
Barleycorn have been ended.
But what will happen if Governor Ed
wards succeeds in carrying his point and
persuades the Supremo Couit that New
Jersey may legalize the sale of bever
ages with r or 10 per cent of alcoholic
content? (an it bo that Ocean county
has no confidence in the governor's
plans?
WHERE IS MORSE?
QIGNOR MARCONI announces that he
has received m.sterious signals by
wireless, which he thinks may have come
from the inhabitants of some of the
planets. He is not sure about it, but he
does not know wheie else they could
have come from.
The signals ate in the Morse tele
,( graphic code.
If they come from some other planet,
thcn some one there must be familiar
with the dot-and-daf-h system invented
by Professor Morse.
Ridiculous, you say ?
Well, perhaps so, but who knows where
Professor Morse is at the present time?
He died jears ago. Sir Oliver Lodge tells
us that the discarnate spirits live on
different planes and can communicate
with incarnate spirits. If this theory be
correct, why is it ridiculous to assume
that Professor Morse has taught his code
o the Martians through spirit communi
cation with them ?
Ulilil o know where Morse is anil
.yhiit goes on in the realm of which wo
know next to nothing, wo might just as
well let men t peculate to their hearts'
content, providing they do not denounce
the rest of us when we cannot accept
their conclusion'..
METERS AND FEET
GEUTAIN of the well-intentioned
recommendations inado by the Pan
Amrcn Financial Congress in Waah
foplW necessitate Icglslativu action in tho
VttrtfMW tiuVkmis, Politics may hinder (lie
realization of such projects. Hut tho
simple request that articles made in the
United States should be marked accord
ing to the metric system as well as tho
old, clumsy English measures calls
merely for the application of a little com
mon sense. Our trade relations with
Latin America have for years been se
riously embarrassed by standpattism in
measurements. The employment of a
double standard will uproot no traditions
hero and greatly facilitate commercial
transactions.
The sane and interesting scries of
eighteen proposals formulated by the
conference was agreed to in principle by
all the delegates. It is not to be over
looked, however, that the Brazilian,
Bolivian and Venezuelan representatives
suggested ceitain amplifications and
changes of wording. Reservations arc
indeed very much a la mode. Every
body's making them.
THE TREATY DEADLOCK IS
A SENSELESS DISCRACE
When the Inevitable Break Comes the
Available Courses of Action Will Be
Just What They Always Were
"l RANTING, as most sane persons do,
that ratification of a treaty is neces
sary to tho official conclusion of a war,
there are only five methods by which tho
United States can achieve peace with
Germany.
Senatorial approxal of the treaty of
Versailles without interpretations, reser
vations or amendments would bring about
this result with clarity and speed. This
pioross lias its warm adherents and its
heated opponents. 'I he latter, whatever
the validity of their objections, cannot
den that unqualified acceptance would
be expeditious and devoid at least of im
mediate complexities.
A second procedure would involve in
terpretations so mild and inoffensively
worded that our former partners in tho
war need not consider them. Savo as
balm to hypersensitive Americans, these
recapitulations of the obvious would prac
tically be meaningless and tho treaty
would retain its original virtues or de
fects. A third performance could be charac
terized by such amendment "leserva
tion" is only a sugar coating as would
be acceptable to all of our late allies. The
governments of these nations might for
mally agree to our changes or they might
assent by silence. In cither case the good
result would be the same.
A fourth method foreshadows compli
cations, certain delay, but not necessarily
failure. The Senate might pass really
significant amendments. Objection to
them on the part of any or all of the
other signatories of the pact of Versailles
could compel a reopening of the Peace
Conference. The delegates from the va
rious nations might redraw the treaty
of course, after the usual array of chal
lenges and compromises. When resub
mitted to our legislators it might meet
with more favor than the first document
and eventually bo adopted. If diead of
starting the conference machinery again
proved potent, the separate governments,
might exchange notes upon the pact until
by the consent of all parties it had been
given Lome new form.
The fifth definite step that could be
taken is that of complete rejection the
ideal so dear to the irreconcilablcs. There
are two conceivable constructive conse
quences to this act the reconvening of
the international conference, the framing
of an entirely new treaty and its ultimate
passage by the United States Senate or
the negotiation by America and Germany
of a separate pact which would win sena
torial approbation.
The continuance of the present dead
lock in Washington until the treaty be
comes a presidential election issue will in
no sense alter the five optional means,
any one of which must be employed to es
tablish genuine peace.
Should the .Senate, disregarding a
treaty, declare the war at an end it will
merely bo engaging in a mendacious
farce. In the end some agreement with
Germany to settle vital and outstanding
issues arising from the war must be
made.
The approaches to the task arc the
same for all Congresses. There are but
five moves to be made should tlie com
plexion of the Senate in 1921 be Demo
cratic or Republican unless Europe goes
to pieces and the treaty of Vcr.-ailles is
nullified or becomes a dead letter.
Upon the merits of the courses out
lined there is naturally a great diversity
of opinion. Political pressure often em
ployed with gross insincerity has never
theless been to some extent influential in
crystallizing popular seniiment. Jt is
reasonably safe to wager that a majority
of tho public now favors interpretations,
or een amendments, which will be soon
acceptable abroad and will not occasion a
reconvening of the Peace Conference.
The "bitter-enders" who would prefer a
separate treaty with Germany have com
paratively few followers. Mr. Knox has
awakened virtually no response, not even
in the Senate, to his call for peace with
out a treaty. Erratic as they often are.
the American people have no taste for
transpaient fictions in polity.
But the most perilous of the methods
outlined, the most intricate and exas
perating, would be vastly preferable to
tho citizens of this republic to no accom
plishment at all. This is the wretched
spectacle to which the nation has been
treated for weary and costly months.
Hotter a ponderous new convocation in
Paris, better separate-dealings with Ger
many in which she will have us at a
fliarked disadvantage than utterly nega
tive obstruction.
Fixing the blame for the disgusting
muddle is a futile task. Historians in
time may successfully analyze it. We
cannot wait for their verdict. Condi
tions, not theories, confront a drifting
nation.
Mr. Lodge has an unenviable task in
placating tlie Borahs and the Johnsons, in
responding to the public demands for ac
tion and preserving the integrity of his
"reservations," which, if intact in princi
ple, will be a feather in the cap of his
party.
Mr. Hitchcock plas politics with a
weak weapon a minority faction. He
will cover himself and his party with a
certain specious glory if he succeeds in
altering tho Republican alterations. The
PT-ntiMont. is. vexed hv anv treatv tinker
ing whatever and has been the reverse of
in aid tp compromise, 1
put or tho unwholesome wclterl or
bluffs, threats and checkmating have,
however, at last emerged some elements
of agreement. Tho recent bipartisan
conferences, n break in which has just
been narrowly averted, leaves but two
btibjects upon which marked divergence
of the antagonistic senatorial lenders is
said to exist.
Mr. Lodge is lcported to be unyielding
in his stand for the Monroe Doctrine
reservation. There may bo a dramatic
ring to this pronouncement, but it is hol
low. Article XXII of the league covenant
declares that "Nothing in this covenant
shall be deemed to affect the validity of
the international agreements, such as
treaties of arbitration or vegional under
standings like tho Monroe Doctrine." To
insist that this exception be stated over
again is like thunderously demanding
that the treaty must be printed on tapcr.
The snarl over Article X is different.
By this wo would be pledged as a mem
ber of the league to "undertake to re
spect nnd preserve as against external
aggression the territorial integrity and
existing political independence of all
members of the league."
The broad question of obligation under
any treaty arises here. C. Bougie, a
French journalist, pertinently inquired
the other day whether "America is tho
only country where the right to declare
war is reserved for a legislative assem
bly?" "The fact is," ho continued, "that
all governments, whether democratic or
otherwise, aro in tho same boat." In
other words, the ratification of our exist
ing arbitration treaties does not imply,
save to a lunatic, that Congress is de
nied tho right to declare war if it sees
fit. Nor docs a pledge to mnke war
against injustice rob our legislature or
national assemblies of the other nations
of their constitutional or legal powers.
If such a possibility is seriously regarded
by all governments, the fear of making
any pacts at any time will bo sufficient to
produce international chaos.
However, if Mr. Lodge is strong enough
to hold out for his revision of Article X,
and if tho treaty cannot be ratified un
less his opponents yield, tho surrender
should bo made. If the reservation is vi
cious and trouble making we shall soon
find that out. Our former cobelligcrcnts
may object or they may not. Change in
the ticaty of Versailles cannot bo so in
famous as no change in the insolent
blockade in Washington.
COMPULSORY ARMY TRAINING
XTO GREAT foresight can be credited to
the Senate military affairs commit
tee for the compulsory military training
bill which it has formulated and recom
mended to the favor of Congress. Yet
the committee appears to have done its
best in an impossible situation.
In suggesting a law that would compel
all young men between the ages of eight
een and twenty-one to "take" four months
of army drill and present themselves for
two weeks of training each year tho sena
tors have fallen back on an expedient
that is old-fashioned enough to be at
least respectable. And it is interesting
to observe that the scheme is recom
mended not on the ground of efficiency,
but because, seeming cheap, it may prove
to be easy medicine for the country.
The plan, which is the outcomo of
months of pious thought, will seem harsh
ami un-American to a great many people.
Yet it cannot be called militarism. It
docs not assure military preparedness for
an emeigency.
Military training such as the Senate
dreams of would be a little more effi
cient than that now possible with the
system colved by tiie Boy Scouts and not
quite so dependable as that long familiar
in the National Guard. For the youth of
the land there would be little hardship.
The hardhip would come to tho country
itself, which might be lulled into a false
and dangerous sense of security by a
scheme that is no more promising than
Mr. HryanV plan for a system of good
roads, Fords and farmers with shotguns
to guarantee our safety against possible
invaders.
If the Senate committee has had to
temporize with the question of national
preparedness and defense it is because no
nation know how to meet such dangers
as may arise from a levival of militar
ism. No one can yet know what will be
necessary if peoples must go on fighting
for their existence. The sort of standing
army suggested in the newest Senate bill
would be little more than a good target
for opposing forces armed with the
elaborate and terrible mechanisms now
being perfected by inventors who already
have made the Big Berthas and subma-,
rines seem relatively harmless and tame.'
The aerial torpedo is now a reality.
There will be long-range bombardments
in future wars, but shells will not be
loaded with high explosives. They will
carry deadly gas to exterminate whole
cities. If war cannot be prevented armies
will fight in future years with chemicals,
electricity and monstrous devices of me
chanical science. As war becomes more
intricate it becomes more expensive. Its
scope is broadened.
The Senate committee on military
affairs seems to take another and a far
more cheerful view. It suggests, for ex
ample, that the cost of maintaining the
training system which it has devised to
keep the nation safe would not be more
than $500,000,000 a year. Yet a future
army capable of defending itself would
have to spend that much on chemicals. It
would need tanks, expanding air fleets,
colossal artillery. Even a senator should
know that these things are not brought
by the ravens. A soldier of the future
will need extensive technical training.
You cannot keep technicians in form with
two weeks of practice in a year.
The choice that confronts statesmen
who have to formulate military policy
Here and elsewhere is not one of method.
'Hie decision must be between the policies
that may bring assurances of interna
tional peace and the policies that make
militarism necessary. If a program of
military expansion is made necessary in
the United States it will involve stagger
ing costs and hardship for everybody.
The alternative lies in such understand
ings as will lead to the abatement of
military insanity in all countries. And
while the military affairs committee is
floundering with tho preparedness idea,
the gentlemen of the foreign relations
committee aro doing their best to make
such understandings impossible.
May the Senate's Furiily Eight
spoken of as n Figure of Speech?
be
There are rcl
ier who ore of the opln-
ton that fairjurtel
eH noMay prices.
HEPBURN'S RECORD
Engineer Now Much In Demand Has
Some Fine Work to His Credit.
Some Old-Time Newspapermen
lly GHOHGK NOX McCAIN
rOXALD M. UHPHUKN, acting chief ot
-' the Bureau ot Street Cleaning, Is a con
blrtictiou nnd electrical engineer.
The coutrovcrs.f that arose over his oiliclnl
status was no fault of Ills. lie had been eon
Midereil by Commissioner Sadler, of the state
Bureau of Highways, for the chief of rontl
construction and awaited only his formal
uotilU'iition. ,
Tn the Interim Commissioner Sadler was
confined to his hoihc for some days nnd the
matter of Hepburn's notification wns do
lnjed. Failing promptly to hour from Iliir
risburg, Mr. Hepburn was offered the posi
tion ot chief of the Bureau of Street Cleaning
in this city, with the understanding that it
was to ho consolidated with the Bureau ot
Highwajs. There nroc considerable doubt
as to the legality of consolidating thrsc de
partments, and durlug tho delay Commis
sioner Sadler notified Mr. Hepburn to report
for duty ut Hnrrisburg.
He Is now 1o:ium lo the city by the slate
llignwnj Department until such time as the
position which he temporarily urnipics in
the Department of Public Works can lie per
miiiicntl) tilled.
TWTB. II
-" land
IinPBUKX is a nathc of Curahcr-
id county. Ho started out to estab
lish himself in the world when ho was
eighteen years ot age. His father, who was
the leading member ot the Cumberland county
bar. died when he was quite ;toung.
He has had I'hnrge of construction work
nnd the installation of eleetricnl power in
some of the largest industrial concerns in
this count rj .
He superintended the work on plants at
Niagara Fulls, and completed a shell -manufacturing
plant at Akron, O., which employs
."oOp men, in eighty-three dajs when the
time limit of the contractors was 120 days.
When he took churgc as superintendent of
construction nt Hog Island only 300 carpen
ters w ere nt work. His first order to the head
ot the employment department was for 1000
additional carpenters within three days and
an additional 1000 within a week.
His knowledge of labor conditions nnd his
wide acquaintance with employment con
cerns over the country enabled him to secure
7000 carpenters within thirty days. A dozen
typewriters were Kept busy for dajs typing
telegrams that were sent by .housunds over
the country to individuals nnd firms calling
for men : superintendents, engineers, foremen,
traffic handlers, electricians, carpenters, ce
ment workers and laborers.
His sjstem of efficiency embraced half
hourly reports on every building in course ot
erection. At any hour ot the day or night
it was possible fur him to tell, by reference
to these reports, just what progress was being
mndc on any structure on the island.
He is thirty-seven jenrs of age.
rpnn passing of William K. Lester, dra---
matic and art critic, book reviewer and
all-around newspaperman, breaks another
link in the shortening chain that connects the
past of three decodes uud more ago with
new.spapcrdoin of today.
Among those gone are Moses P. Handy,
Lew N. Megurgec. Howard Sprogle, Tom
Lugun. "Jimmy" Patterson, Frank Ander
sou, H. A. Wutrous, II. II. Colclazer, 13. C.
lion land. Charles W. Stride, Hugh Don
nelly and a seorc of other tine, clever crafts
men. One of the conspicuous feufures of news
paper life thirtj -odd jears ago was the dis
position, more so than today, of the men in
wirious lines of journalistic work to form
clique. Star reporters and political writers
frequented the Continental and the old
(lirnrd just. across the street.
The police reporters and general news men
mostly foregathered nt Green's, particularly
those of the Uecord, Times, Press, T'uiimc
I.KDor.i: and Xoith American. Chestnut
street from Sixth to Twelfth wai the news
paper rialto.
They were halcyon days, fled all too soon.
TOSI3PH U. GRUNDY has been elected an
" honorary member of the Press League of
Burks and Montgomery Counties. The league
is exceedingly conervatie when it comes to
distributing honors of this kind. There was
no political consideration behini. its action,
for while Mr, Grundy is a manufacturer and
the political leader of Bucks county, he is a
newspaper publisher also.
His Doylestown Daily Intelligencer, com
pletely outfitted in its mechanical depart
ment and writing force as well, is one of the
bet newspapers, for a center of population
the size of Doylestown, in eastern I'cnusyl-
Wlllill.
The recent death of its editor, C, D. Hoteli
kiss, was universally lamented in two coun
ties. His mantle, however, has fallen upon
a worthy and competent successor in his son,
George Hotehkiss.
Theie is no political leader in Pennsyl
vania whose activities present so mnuy facets
as those ot Joseph It. Grundy. His memory
is a storehouse of reminiscences. His knowl
edge of the subtleties of political maneuvers
within the ken of his recollection of thirty
five enrs is one of his big preseut-dny assets
in his dealing with men and measures af
fecting the industries of the state
A CHARACTERISTIC I have invariably
- noticed in every worth-while political
leader in forty years has been the possession
of a low, well-modulated voice. I do not
recall a successful politician, even of the
minor class, who was loud -spoken or blatant;
what, in the btriking and expressive vernacu
lar of the Pennsylvania Dutch, would be
termed a "big mouth."
Quay was a failure as a public speaker
be'eause of his voice. It was only by a pain
ful effort that he could mukc himself heard
in nn ordinary hall or opera house. He never
raised his voice above a low, somewhat nasal,
conversational tone.
"Bob" Muckey, the Republican czar ot
the state forty jears ago; Senators Chris
Magee, Quay, Penrose and, on the Demo
cratic side, Senators J. Henry Cochrane, of
Lycoiniug: William A. Wallace, J. K. P.
Hall, of Elk; Colonel James A. Guffey, and,
of the present, A. Mitchell Palmer, were ex
ponents ot the monotone.
Among local leaders Thomas W. Cun
ningham is a shining example of the low
spoken type of leader. Then there is David
Martin, and David Lane, although the Iat:
ter's clear enunciation and command of good
English seem to add a higher note to a clear,
even intonation.
Willlurn J. Bryan is the tolc exception of
u political leader who has cultivated n bla
tant toue and nn apparent disposition to let
everybody within thirty feet know what he
in tulkiug about at any stage of a conver
sation. 'J he melancholy fact is that not more
than one egg can btfohntchcd from a setting
of favorite sons, and sometimes the "whole
Idling" goes Hooie.
Perhaps it Js Sir Oliver Lodge's spirits
that scud tho mjsterious signals that dialnib
Murconi's wireless. v
U would appear that Senator Lodge has
permitted a pcrslsttnt minority to scare the
life out of him.
"WONDERFUL WEATHER WE'RE HAVIN', EH?"
THE. CHAFFING DISH
Old BUI Penn
W1
TJ'H hand outstretched and courtly 'bock-
ered knee
For many moons he's shushed at City Hall,
Where Councils dnell in might but amity
And Mayor after Mayor decks the wall ;
He's seen, in pride nnd pumps and emptiness,
The weary city Mugdalens come and go,
And rotund cops llat-footcd through the
snow, '
Pinochle-bound, stein-amorous, wo guess.
On Fuirmount Park, Cynwyd nnd wild Oak
Lane,
On Ovcrbrook lie's gazed for years and
years,
On limousines, and ctcry crawling train,
And flippant flivvers standing onheir cars.
He's seen the gifts nnd grnft of many men ;
If he could write, what would Old William
Pcnn?
ALEC P.. STEVENSON.
Ringside Seats at a Premium
KXiKiiti:Nci:r dim., to no iioxino in
ju:ys tiNDiimvrjAii must iib quick
COOIl PAY WITH HUM'S '111 'I UK ONI J WHO
PltOVKS HATISPACTUItV APPLY
way wtoTiiciiH ,rro. CO.,
(119 JIOOIli: KT.
Philadelphia Inquirer
The above bright- shining diadem was
speared by the gladdened optic of Mr. II. 11.
Smith, who turned it in to Rob Maxwell.
Bob, with the air of one bearing precious
gifts, carried it in to us. Our only comment
is that a luxury tax ought to be added to the
'price of seats. Perhaps the lady will take
the place in tho public esteem that Jack
Dcmpsey seems getting ready to vacate.
At any late, one result of the war has been
to make American lectin e platforms safe for
British poets.
W. B. Yeats is in New York, and Cecil
Roberts, a young English poet of whom we
have not heard so much, is coming to this
town tomorrow. We have- been meditating
on the influx of English poets after the war,
and it oi cur's to us that by and bye piolubly
some American versifiers nmj he going over
there by way ot revenge. We hope that this
matter will he put in the hand- of the De
partment of State, so that the poets who go
abroad representing this country may be
wisely chosen. We have a horrid fear that
the only American poets known in Englund
are tl' eccentrics and the vers librtels.
Vaehel Lindsaj is going over next fall, we
know, because he has nsked us to go nlong as
his business manager. Wo are not going;
but Yaehcl is the kind of man wlio has a
right to go, because he really has some music
in his chest.
We rise to lcmark that our friend Joe
Ilcrgesheimer is Getting His Stuff Across
these days. People keep on tending us paro
dies of Joe's style, which is a sure sig'i. If
they were anywhere within shouting distan.ee
of the original we might have printed some
of them.
Having recently completed hcveral months'
experience as an amateur college lecturer, wo
wish to state that never have we enjoyed any
adventure to heurtilj. To he able to talk for
an hour, with n guaranteed and helpless au
dience, and no chance of being contradicted,
is nn experience rare indeed in a life like
ours.
When we told our hardened nnd argumen
tative office associates about it, they were
iuereduloub.
An armistice is now declared in the Dish's
private bex war. As is often the ease, in
wars, tho result is uncertain. Some qf our
clients assert that the world has been made
safe for nintriinoiiy ; others deny it. We
notice, however, no falling off in the number
of murringc licenses issued up ut the City
Hall.
Now that the thermometer lutu gone up,
our good friend Dave Yublock, who sells
papers on tho cornet of Sixth uud Chestnut,
no longer utters his mournful cold-vvfuthur
ny: "Too mucli frnh nlr iu mine offlecj''
The vWc!quh Qqizeditor wept over" to NeW
n i
York to see Gilbert and Sullivan's "Itud
digore," and brings us back this line us a
desk motto ;
I belong to thai particular description ot
good oh man to whom tho truth is refresh
ing noel!y.
Acid Ejaculations
Give mo an apartment abode, where
The dwellers toil not, neither spin ;
For n City of Homes is n nightmare
Till the homes come with servants built-in.
BESSIE GRAHAM'S FRIEND.
Our campaign against white vest margins
has utterly collapsed. For, in n magazine
photo, we sec that Mr. Hoover wears them.
Getting hack from lunch now, we found
that some one hnd bandaged the mouthpiece
of our telephone with a nice little bit ot gauze
steeped in disinfectant. We did not think
much about it, except that we noticed it dis
persed n pleasant medical aroma over our
territory. Then one of our clients rang up,
and we unsuspectingly dropped our face over
the instrument.
The strong and pungent whiff of the drug
rose up and smote us, snatched hold of our
windpipe, gagged our throat, made our nos
trils ache ami tingle and brought tho tears
galloping to our eyes. We gasped and gur
gled, i
It happened to be one ot our fnir clients,
inquiring why her contribution had not been,
printed yet. She was a little bit annoyed,
and we suspected her tg be n recent adherent
to the Dish who has not yet grnsped the
curious principles on which this department
is conducted
"If jou don't intend to print it, you
should have returned it," she shrilled bit
terly. AVc tried desperately to speak, but nothing
emerged except what sme poet called "slow
droppings of warm tears." We gulped hard
and summoned up a few stummcring sylla
bles. We fear that they sounded rather like
a moan, for Mie strength of the formaldehyde
(or whatever it is) was throttling us.
"How do you expect to retain the loyalty
of real artists," she. inquired, "if you never
answer their letters? Why, you haven't even
got a formal rejection slip'"
Again we sought to reply, but could only
ejaculate a choked gripit.
"Well," she said, listening to our snuf
fles, "I'm glad you feel so badly about it.
That helps a little. If you don't print that
poem in three days I'll send it to the At
lantic Monthly nnd get huge money for it."
She rang off, nnd perhaps she will never
know that we weren't bobbing intentionally.
In the various accounts of the now famous
luncheon given by Colonel House to Lord
Grey, it seems to have been overlooked that
the Dish hnd taken tlie precaution to have
ono of its clients present. Our friend Dr.
Robert T. Morris was one of the guests, and
sent us a private dispatch nt the time. If
anything htnrtliug had happened, you muy be
sure tho Dish would have picked it up. Our
secret agents aro busy on land und sea, is
our warning lo the public.
Our friend John Herndon, Jr., who is quite
ono of our family us he is our sister-in-law's
brother-in-law,, has just got hack from a trip
lo England, and says he is fond of Ann
Dante's contributions to the Dish,
Ruminating on whut Sir Oliver Lodge has
to suy, we do not quite know whether to re
gard it an n consolation or a threat.
Wc also wonder what has happened to M,
Mucterlinck's still undelivered Message.
Wo have sometimes wondered how wo
would choose if wc wcro faced by the alter
native of benefiting Immunity by sprcudlng
n message ubout spiritualism or by opening
a shop for tlie frying of the Perfect Dough
nut, Miss Ami Huntf, who is rather a bitter
materialist, bii that the proper wuy to
punish thoe who profiteer in Juimau hopesf
by propounding plrltuullstie lousolulipn J
10 aucnu uicjr iQciurw in thai spirit oh.
fvrws,
ROBERT BURNS
"Rut ice hac ifunis"
ATENNTSON muy grandly sing
And charm the English heurt,
A Southcy's melodies muy ring,
A Cowpcr do his part.
But wc ban Bums.
A Byron's mastery of song
May guile the student's mind.
A Shakespeare In "the olden lime
Leave others fur behind,
But wc line Burns.
Tn niawatha's catching strains
A Lougtcllow may shine,
And many other men ot brains
May tench us lessons fine,
But wc line Burns
A Scot mny wield n magic wund
Great men of genius soar.
And still the boast of Ireland
Is that of Thomas Moore,
But we hue Burns.
Burns weaves all in his mystic chain.
And strikes n higher strain ;
We turn the others' fading leaves,
But Burns will still remain.
JOHN McMASTBIt.
Since everything is for the best in thli
best nt all possible worlds, we nre constrained
to believe that occasionally the ileveu obsti
nate jurors are induced to see the error ot
their ways.
United Stntcs District Attorney Kann
isii't really on tenterhooks. lie knows jut
about what is going to happen with that
resignation of his.
Tho weather man bees to it that not only
the ungodly 'walk in slippery plnccs.
Twining may yet win glory out of sick
transit.
i
May an appropriation for street clcanioj
be spoken of as a slush fund?
n
What Do You Know
QUIZ
1. What state is Carter Glass to represent
in the Senate?
2. What new republic has just been rccoj-
nized by the United States?
3. What is tho triotto ot the state ot Peuni
sylvania?
4. How did horsepower come to be
measure of cnginc.powcr?
fi. What is a morganatic murringc''
ti j i
. Why is it so called?
7. Who was the "Grand Old Jinn
in llrit
ish statesmanship? .
8. Who said that "mnu, proud mn, drcksca
in u little brief uiithoiiu '
plays such fantastic tricks before W
heaven as mnke the angels weep .
0. Where was Thackeray bom''
10. Who was Antonio Cuuovu''
Answers to Yesterday's Qui
1. Secretary Duuiels has officially ruled U'
in tho records of the Navy IW
ment the late war bhull ho known '
"Tho World's War." .
Ii. John Adums named John MurslinU to
chief justice of the United hint"; .
3. There uro twenty-one republics m
western hemisphere. (
4. Sir Arthur Sullivan wrote the music
"Onward, Christian Soldiers,
fi. ChArlos 1 of Englund was cxccutcu
0.' The picturesque character pf Co'oncl Sel
lers appears in Charles Dudley Wf
ner und Murk Twain's novel. J
,... . .... T- II. Imnk lie
tiiiueu .age. ."" ""-,. hu i
known us Eschol and as Bcriali, D" I
in the dramatized version as aiua ;,,
and under this name also "'."
Murk Twain work, "The AoicrkW ,
Claimant." t . t.nI.,j
7. Osaka is the second largest city in JP"
8. A pfaenowen ia a tlrbt qr pmwp a
-jg, Thtftm j ww ini' "
I
11
ft n
V r,
ft,