&
!
I
r
J. "
, .
B-
ii
.U.W
faicnmslpublic Ue&gei:
rUBLIC LEDGER COMPANY
. trntufi it. k, cuixtis. piont
' .0Hn It Ludlnitten. Vlea rruMmti John C.
MsrtlnjSfcrctarv n,t Trmurn Thlllp S Collins,
Jojin u. Williams, John J. Spurgeon, Directors.
nDiToniAti noAnns
Cues It K. Cchtis, Chairman
DAVID 13. SMILEY Editor
JOHN O MARTIN aenorul lJuslncss Manncer
published dally at I'tmia I.bugmi llulldlng,
t Independence Square. Philadelphia.
AtLINTIO C'ITT Press-Union ItulldlnK
Miw York., 200 Metropolitan Tower
DrraoiT .. ....... "01 1'ord Hjlldlnc
St. I.ouis inns rulWton liulldinK
"CaiCiao, i 1301! Tribune UulMlng
NEWS' BUItKAUS:
WienmaTON llcnntu. . , , , , ... ,
N, K. Cor. I'onnsjlvanla Axe. and 14th fit.
Nnw YonK llcniuii The Mm llulldlns
tiONDON UOniMli London TlmfS
i si'nscniPTioN terms
Tha IjVDSjimi l'L'litlo LniKiEji Is nerved to ub
enbani In Philadelphia nnd curroundlng towns
iit the rat of tweUo (11!) cents per week. pinblo
, By malt to'polnts uutslde of Plilludlphl.l. In
tha united States. Canada, or United States pos
ersslnns. postuffc free, nfty " ents per tnuntli
Ulx (i dollars ! year, payable In advance.
To all forelen countries one (Ml dollar per
Noticb- Subscribers wlshlr.R address chanted
ipust slie old as well as new address.
BEU.. 3000 WU.:UT KEYSTONE. MAIN 300
ICr Address alt communications fo Evening Pallia
J,edoer Indeiirtidcncr Hquan . J'liiladclpi 10.
Member of the Associated Press
Tin: ABBorrxrun I'ltnsB is win-
tlvelv entitled to 1h' lor rciiubllcatlon
of all news dispatches tndiUtl to it or nut
athcnclsc credited in this paver, and also
the local news published therein.
All rights of republication of special dls
patches herein, arc also reserved.
Philadelphia. 1 lirlday, llrrember 1. 1911
DR. THOMPSON'S RETIREMENT
T)R. ROBERT KLLIS THOMPSON'S
coming totirometit from the princi
palship of tlir Ceiitial High School be
cause, of the operation of the ago limit
act has ltispind numerous regrets. Tlu
f-entiment is natural since Doctor Thomp
son is admirably competent to perforin
his duties.
There is, however, another legitimate
aspect to the situation. The school pen
sion law was designed to provide an
honorable case for teachers who have
served the public long and well. No
shadow of stigma should attach to the
enforced removal of school tench srs at
seventy. It is safe to say that the
majority of them would welcome the
change of condition.
A well-planned law aims, to promote
the greatest good among the greatest
number. The pension system promises
deserved leisure after years of woik in
valuable to the public and necessarily
arduous to a conscientious performer.
Retired instiuctors ought to be re
garded as rewarded, not rebuked.
JERSEY'S NEW BEGINNING
T IKE begins anew in Camden with the
" return to the old scale of ttolley
fares which was abandoned for the zone
faro experiment. The world owes every
contrite, prodigal a chance, even if the
prodigal happens to be a corporation.
It will not profit New Jersey folk to
harass the public service organization
unnecessarily, to harbor grudges or to
let the anger generated in the day of
zone fares lind new expression in cam
paigns directed against gas and ttrcet
car rates that now are on what appears
. to be a fair basis.
Any effort to strike at the state's
public utilities commission by trampling
over the dead body of a gas or street
car conpany would be a costly mistake.
The victory won by the Camden boy
cott against unreasonable trolley fares
tyas complete and final. It was well
merjted and it appears to have taught
the street railway administration u
needed lesson. Costs of stieet car oper
ation have increased and the cost of gas
manufacture and distribution have in
creased Starved street car companies
and impoverished utilities are things that
no community can tolerate if, it wishes
to prosper. Inefficiency and decay fol
low as matters of course.
Jersey will help itself by helping the
Public Service Corporation to make a de
cent return on its investments, even
though, in the meantime, it continues the
admirable effort to get more of public
spirit and less of politics in .the state
utilities commission.
TRAIN SHORTAGE
A MAN who lacks a hat cannot cssen
" tially better his lot by remaining
indoors. Problems in production are not
actually settled by a regulation of con
sumption. If any gain is achieved it
rnust be merely temporary and illusory.
That is precisely the sort of benefit
accruing from a shrinkage of train serv
ice in a season of coal shortage. The
cancellation of twenty-five suburban
trains on the Reading and seventeen
through expresses on the Pennsylvania
Will, not bring fuel out of the mines.
The cuts in the railway schedules may
momentarily ease an abnormal situation,
and in view of a possible early settle
ment of the bituminous strike it is ad
visable to accept the inconveniences phil-
osoph cally.
But the public has a right to expect
that the regular services will be re
stored soon after the miners return to
work. Popular opinion is naturally
averse to theoretical "remedies" which
amount to practical burdens. What the
country really needs is more coal, not
less trains and fewer Pullmans.
There has been more than a sufficiency
qf the federal method of "aiding" the
public by means of deprivations. More
over1, the Christmas season is not exactly
suited to the cultivation of precedents of
that character.
VARE AND THE PROTOCOL
SENATOR VARE and Gustav Noske,
minister of defense in Germany,
raised their voices in complaints that
wore identical in every detail.
""Herr Noske cried out against peace
terms which, he said, were crushing and
more terrible than death itself. So did
Jlr, Vare.
llerr Noske stamped and threatened.
Mr Vare stamps and threatens to re
volt against his conqueror.
Forbearance on the part of the Allies
Jn tho matter of tho Sea pa Flow claim1
Wn't represent a victory for the (!cr
Bian, point of view. Many in ths allied
cvjinell, including members of the Anier
ta8 delegation, felt that tho claim in
'Jk
question should bo either abandoned or
adjudicated. ,
There is no such division of sentiment
to favor Scnntor Vurc. He is tho old
regime trying to come back. I ho peo
ple are not in a mood to welcome old
regimes; not now, anyway.
Mr. Vare and his friends should not
be misled by a reading of the news from
Paris and ikrlin. If what we hear is
true, they are forming plans to disrupt
the Republican parly and to wreck the
party, if need be, in their own interest.
Tho purpose of their campaign against
Mr. Moore is obvious at a glance. They
are only working themselves a little
deeper in the qtweksand.
DOES ANYBODY BELIEVE POLICE
CANNOT STOP STREET CRIMES?
The Answer Is, No! Yet Nobody Is
Moving Vigorously to Force Our De
moralized Force Into Effcc
. tive Action
wr
flEN men read in the newspapers
yesterday of how the earrings were
toin from the ears of Mrs. Jacob Taylor
by highwaymen within a square of her
home in Spruce street near Kifty-fouith,
every one of them certainly thought, "It
may be my wife or daughter next."
This is not a comforting reflection.
It is not the feeling which the residents
in an orderly community ought to ex
perience. Rut no thoughtful man who
cares for his family can escape it.
Events have urged it upon him. Only
last week burglars forced their way into
a house in West Philadelphia while the
mistiess and her maid were at home.
They got nwa with several hundred
dollars, but the mistress, by quickness
of wit. saved her jewels.
Burglars have been breaking the
show windows of fur stores at night and
carrying off thousands of dollars' worth
of property.
It is not many weeks since three men
went into a fashionable jewelry store
on Walnut street, just off from Broad,
and carried away valuable loot. Two of
the men were caught," but the man with
the jewels got away.
Carmcntmakeis have been losing hun
dreds of yards of expensive cloth at the
hands of men who break into their fac
tories at night or boldly drive away the
loaded truck in the daylight which has
been backed up in front of their places
of business.
When things like these happen week
after week, men cannot help being ner
vous when tho members of their family
are out on the street or when they arc
left at homo alone.
There is no escaping the conclusion
that the city is not adequately policed.
If we were properly policed these
things would not continue to happen.
They might occur once or twice, but the
town would become so hot for the thieves
that they would flee for safety. As it
is, tliay are so immune that they can
back a truck up befote a Chestnut street
restaurant, force open the door and
carry away the safe without any one
having any suspicion of their identity.
One might say that ths case of the
earrings happened in the far western
edge of the city where it is unreasonable
to expect the same kind of protection
that is given to the central districts. We
may giant this for the sake of argument;
but in Walnut street and Chestnut street,
on both sides of Broad, right in the
heart of the city, the buiglars have been
most active, both at night and in the
daylight.
Something is wrong.
It may bs said that the policu force
is not large enough, that the city has
grown much since any additions were
made to the force, nd that wc must
be patient until a way is found to get
four or live hundred more men.
Theie might be something in this plea
if the existing force succeeded in round
ing up a few of the burglars; but so far
as is known those guilty of the most
flagrant offenses are still at libeity.
The men wearing the uniform of the
city arc, as a rule, honest and anxious
to be efficient. They feel humiliated by
what is happening. They know that
under competent direction they could
clean thu city of the pest of thieves,
but they have lost their, morale under
the kind of direction they have been
getting for the last four years.
The significance of the protection ex
tended to the men implicated in the
Fifth ward case was not lost on them.
They know that a commanding officer was
taken from his stationhouse to the West
Chester jail and that, during all the
period of his trial and conviction and
while he was awaiting the outcome of
appeals, ho was allowed to perform his
police duties.
Of course, a man is innocent until he
is proved guilty, but the honest members
of the police force would be in a better
mood to do their full duty if the men at
the head of the dcpaitment insisted that
every officer should, like Caesar's wife,
be above suspicion, and should suspend
every man against whom serious charges
were made until ho had cleared himself.
But the head of tho department is not
doing this even now, for within a week
two detectives have been charged with
shaking down a business man for 5!!00
on the promise of protection from pun
ishment for an otlense ot which tus man
insists he did not know hetyns guilty,
and they are still on duty.
The most pressing task that confronts
the new Mayor is the cleaning out of the
Police Department. It is expected that
he will appoint a director of public
safety whose sole concern will be to pro
tect the city and to free the efficient
men on the force from their present feel
ing of uncertainty about what is wanted
of them. If" these men can only be as
sured that the director will stand by
them in tho performance of their full
duty, we shall tee a different spirit in
the force, and the thieves who are reaping
a rich harvest here will leave for other
fields.
There is nothing the matter with tho
force as a whole. The whole trouble lies
in the City Hall. What Roosevelt did
with the force in New York when ho was
made police commissioner can bo dono
with the force here. All it needs is
"t-ifW"-- or
EVENING1 PrBLlT LKDGEE
proper direction under tho proper mo
tive. Tha instrument is only as efficient
as the man who uses it, nnd it will do
only what he wishes done. And an effi
cient man with it poor tool can accom
plish much. Old maji Diaz, proved
this in Mexico when he ttatisformed the
bandits into .rural police and put an end
to banditry and restored order in a
troubled country.
It seams too much to expect that any
thing will bo done by the present polico
management between now and the first
Monday in January, though something
might be done. Wc shall have to run
the risk of having more women lwlil up
on the streets while their earrings arc
torn from .'heir cam or their rings are
cut from tlioff flngcis, anil wait with
such patience as we can muster for
the new regime, from which better things
are hoped.
UP TO THE PRESIDENT
rpUK President's interpretation of tho
constitution, as expressed in his letter
to Senator Fall regarding the congres
sional tesolution urging a severance of
diplomatic relations with Mexico, is un
impeachable. It has long been recog
nized and the fact is supported by law
that the initiative in conducting for
eign relations is assigned in this country
to the executive.
On the other hand Mr. Wilson's reit
erated assumption of authority serves to
emphasize anew his responsibility in a
problem for which no solution has been
found ilui i tirly seven years of hii
ndministiic'
It has lii'i ii hinted that deferment of
action on the prolonged Mexican crisis
was primarily due to the great war. But
the difficulty of handling two formidable
international riddles at once no longer
exists. A strong and consistent policy
on Mexico can bo undertaken if the ad
ministration .formulates ono. The public
would unitedly support it.
Secretary Lansing, it is true, displayed
firmness and skill in the Jenkins tangle,
but that was merely an incident in a
long scries of offenses and, moreover, it
has not yet, morally, been unraveled,
A temporary let-up of tension is
insufficient.
Forceful, comprehensive moves on the
subject are in order.
The President and his representa
tive in the State Department are the
rightful agencies of responsible action.
Mr. Wilson jealously guards his pre
rogative. He should not let it lapse
through disuse.
THE SETTLEMENT
rpHE coul strike has already cost a
-- fabulous sum, more than either of
the contending parties can ever recover
by any sort of victory. That is the fact
that stands out grimly even above the
news of an approaching peaceful settle
ment. According t" estimates made weeks
ago the miners and the operators be
tween them had lost fflOO.000,000. What
the losses will be to communities most
directly affected by the coal shortage
it is hard to say. They will be incal
culable. And all this is but a small part
of the price that we are paying in the
United States for the lack of an en
lightened policy of industrial relation
ships. What the President has propo.cd is an
immediate resumption of work with a
nominal increase of pay, which is to con
tinue while a commission with govern
mental authority directs a thorough sur
vey of the entire coal industry and
formulates scales of wages on a just and
rational basis.
The necessity for just such a couise
as this was foreseen when the strike
was first talked of. It was explicitly
stated jn these columns in the first days
of the tie-up and reiteiated at frequent
intervals afterward. Great losses and
almost unbearable hardship were neces
sary to make such a progiam acceptable
to both sides in the controversy.
This may be a reasoning age. Some
times one is moved to doubt it.
The I'nioti if South -Call
'Kin Optimists western (j e r m h n
CUaiiibcrs of Commerce
is sockiiis the elimination of the "inter
ri'pUon belt" iiIoiir the western boundary of
(iermany. How shull we ehurnelerize theso
woiild-lie hiisipcrulers so cheifully willing to
go without a licit?
TIiitp is still nbidins confidence that
Cabinetmaker Moore, buy with seasoned
timber, Is ready to hit the nail on the head,
cut with wise saws and smooth with pluiu
common sense.
Berlin is bfiid to be shocked by the
stories of the killing of twenty-nine marines
as developed in court proceedings; hut thnt
-.nine Berlin had nothing but a plen'surabie
thrill when the I.iisltuniu was sunk.
A West Virginia visitor among us
opines that the high -belted eoat is designed
to prove to all and sundry that the wearer
has a shirt to bis back as well as a swll
front.
Dilatoriness has been somewhat reduced
on the ruilroads of the country as a result
of a recent order. Fewer tiains are now
running behind time.
Senator Vare lms doubtless heard the
assertion, though, perhaps, without giving
it rluo cognizance, that llm guy who goes
out looking for trouble usually liud.s it.
The ex -kaiser may or may not be tak
ing a hand in (iermany's foreign policy, but
unquestionably he had a linger in the humble
pie Germany tiow is eating.
Some people will feel inclined to add a
grain of salt to Sir Brnest Rutherford's
formula-for the transmutation of metals.
(iermany uot only objects 1, paying the
piper, but actually seems surprised that
aujbody should suggest such a thing.
"'lore dough for less dough" might
well be the slogan of tho United States
Grain Corporation.
It Is a strikiugly unusual circumstance,
but it really seems that the coal strike has
been won by the public.
There seems to bo n well-defined rumor,
corroborated in ninny unexpected quarters,
thnt Christmas is coming.
" vftn'fiiiiQr'Jmft v -kfxj
- PIlILABELPlnxV, TUESDAY. DECEMBER 9,
ATTERBURY LOVES HIS JOB
Vice President of the P. R. R. Too
Much Attached to 'His Men and
His Responsibilities to Make
a Change
By (.KOItm? NOX McOAIN
A MOM! the prominent names mentioned
"- for place in Mayor-elect Moore's cab
inet, and pnrllculiirly for director of public
works, where administrative ability and
engiiieerirg skill are renulsltc. that of Cien
ernl V. W. Attcrbury hi) been quietly ,
conspicuous In certain civic circles.
That he could be induced to accept such i
an appointment is beyond question a base '
less hope. As vice president of the I'cnti
sylvania Railroad he is not wedded to his
cods, but eertninlr he Is wedded to his men
and his responsibilities.
There are something like 108,000 men
who look up to him from the most rcsponsi
bio down to the most humble positions. lie
knows every eog in the vast machine of
which he is directing bend, lie has seen it
grow and develop under his hands.
More than this, It is possible that his ex
perience as head of the war system of rail
roads in France has imparted now concep
tions and ideas of responsibility that will
find expression over here once the govern
ment derides to end the comedy of mls
mnt ageinenl nnd restores the railroad lines
to the hands of thoc who know something
about Ihe job.
Anyhow, men like General Attcrbury
cannot be induced to sacrifice a greater
duty for a less.
rpHK tendency among business men of today
-- T find is to eliminnte, as far as possible,
the "grind" in the routine of commercial
life; loV't rid of the "lost motion" in the
conduct of affairs.
Nowhere is this more apparent than
nniung Ihe fruit nnd produce men of Phila
delphia, who, eolleethely and socially, are
repiesented in "The Itoosters," an organi
zation that embraces every worth while
wholesale produce merchant in Philadelphia.
Not to know "The Boosters." nnd not to
have cnjo.icd the felicity of sitting at lunch
with these "up and tippers" who represent
transactions that mount into millions an
nually, is to have lest one of the joys of
life.
Men like B. S. Armstrong, who Is presi
dent, and Comly Shoemaker, secretary, who,
with Barl Stewart, T. A. Brandt, R. H.
AVoodward, J1. T. Dutterworth, Joseph R.
AVilkinson, Samuel A. 'L'ownscnd, Frank
Bu.bv, Russell Wilson, F. C. Lindscy and
a hundred or more of their like, tnnko up
the roster of this unique organization.
A tradition of the wholesale produce bus
iHcss bus been that it was necessary to get
out at all sorts of unholy hours, say ", to 4
a. in., ni'd down to Dock street nnd the rnil
roinl platforms to begin the daily "grind."
lint the men of "The Itoosters" have
"hunted" tradition. They'e introduced the
idea of doing business' within ilajllgbt busi-tic-a
hours and giving God's sunshine a
chance to envelop them.
And Farl Stewart tells me it's working out
fine.
I
IIAVT? received several letters regarding
Hia niinnitiiiiiiniil Mint T ipilli.nnMf rVilnnnl
Henry W. Coulter, of (irconsbiirg, intends
writing a history of the Tenth Pennsylvania
Regiment, which was part of the famous
110th Infantry in the world war. While the
history, as 1 understand, will hnvp to do
with the Tenth Ttegiinent as a unit, nnd
traces its record back to the Revolution, it
could not be written without glorifying the
old Third, of Philadelphia, as every mem
ber of the 110th knows. The former was
already designated as the 110th when the
western regiment wits combined with it at
Camp Hancock.
It was a fitting combination, as the rec
ord lias pnned: n record which enshrines
the tiiniies of Philadelnhiniis like hieuten
ants .Small, Perrine, Bullitt. Rogers and
others. Philadelphia's contribution to the
world war is yet to be immortalized; it
awaits a historian who can do justice to the
nibieet.
Perhaps the example of Colonel Coulter
may inspire some pen to tell the story; not
of isolated units and commands, but tho
complete nnd glorious history ns it deserves
to lie written.
LF.R SOLOMON", who, as secretary of tho
workmen's compensation hoard, leads an
official life that is environed bv statistics,
gives me from his treasury of figures some
remarkable facts.
In a great industrial stnte like Pennsyl
vania, accidents or fatalities qre of almost
hourly occurrence. Under the operation of
the compensation law of this stnte it might
be expected that sums awarded the injured,
and the families of those killed, would
amount to considerable ; but the totals are
astonishing.
The grand total awarded for liability
claims from January 1, 1010, to December
1. 1010, reach the aggregate of .O.n.'S,
I0SJ30. Tho sums awarded for fatalities
amount to S10,.ri!!),0S!l.7.r.
AV. II. Horner, who is In charge of the
statistical division of the bonrd's work, T
am told, has his records so complete that
lie can inform inquirers in a few moments
as to the figures for any given month or
week nnd up to within a few days of current
periods.
It is some system.
ROBERT GRIRR, former secretary to
Slayor Weaver, has a great store of odd
incidents connected with his official life
tucked away in the corners of bis memory.
To a little company ot friends he recently
related nn Incident, in itself a matrimonial
melodrama, which Is only one of the many
at his command.
One tiny during Mayor Weaver's term a
couple appeared in the reception room nt
City Hall and expressed a vlsh that his
honor marry them. As it was part of Rob
ert's official duty, as Mayor's secretary, on
such occasions to act both ns best man nnd
Mnyor's assistant, be was present in his dual
capacity.
The knot was neatly nnd expeditiously
tied and at Its conclusion the bridegroom
forked oser a .$5 bill to Mr. AVeavcr. It
isn't customary to collect on such occasions,
nrd ho the Mayor returned the money, but
to the bride, with the suggestion tnni sue
und her husband take it down to one of the
hanking institutions nnd stnrt a savings fund
against a rainy day.
The incident faded from Sir. Grier s mem
ory until a year later, when a woman ap
peared at the Mayor's office with the request
that he inform her how to go about securing
a divorce. It was the bride of a tw-lve-month
with her life robbed ot all its ro
mances for the sake of n S.r bill.
After leaving the Mayor's office on her
wedding day her husband, the instant they
were outside the official precincts, demanded
the return of the money. She. refused to
surrender it. There were high words and
the husband left her in a rage. She had
never seen him from that moment, nnd hud
finally decided to get a divorce.
If statesmen were as busy as rumor
mongers, tho future would be illumined with
the roseate hue of hope.
AA'hen Santa Claus comes to Philadel
phia our local banditti are likely to steal
Ids furs.
-This monkcy-glnnd business for cente
uariaus is tough on prospective legatees.
The tailor's goose never lays golden
eggs during n strike.
'.'he'll. 0. of h. may affect the mistletoe,
but it can't touch what goes on under it.
Holsbcvism In Switzerland appears to be
as full of holes ns the national cheese.
Operators and miners may yet be sorry
they didn't settle their differences.
M5, VH
- 7
-o-
OH, MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! HERE!!
1 t, . 1 ,
, . - JT t'j y ,-a. -. ,v p A .
, - J VVV'1' f 'A -A " N
V ffA ' - '
Iff ''$$,
f'M':
4 '.':
THE CHAFFING DISH
Sunday Night
TWO grnxc brown eyes, severely bent
Upon a memorandum book
A sparkling face, on which are blent
A hopeful and a pensive look ;
A pencil, purse, nnd book of checks
With stubs for xarying amounts
Blaine, the shrewdest of her sci,
Is busy balancing accounts !
SUDATHIjY, in the big" armchair,
She, all engrossed, the audit scnus
Her pencil hovers here and there
The while she calculates and plans;
What's this? A faintly pensive frown
Upon her forehead gathers now
Ah. does the butcher heartless down
IJeget that shadow on her biowV
A MURRAIN on the tradesman churl
AVho caused this fair accountant's
gloom ! ' ,
lust then a baby's cry my girl
Arose and swiftly left the ropm.
Then in her purse by stratagem,
J thrust some bills of small auiouuts
She'll think she had forgotten them
And smile again at her accounts!
Apropos of Cardinal Mercicr's story of
the German invasion, we remembered that
wo had been in Mallnes in 10PJ, and looked
up our entry in a vagabond journal wc Kept.
It runs thus:
The guide-book mentions "some very
fine examples ot medieval coarseness"
among tho carvings at tho town liu.ll. I
looked for them without success but It Is
a ory line biilldlns nevertheless!
Carljle said of the French Government
before the stent revolution that it was a
despotism tempered by epigrams. Tho Hob
enzollern despotism didn't even have puns to
its credit.
Brief Es6ay on Theology
AA'e once met an English missionary who
told us good tales about the wild natives of
central Africa. He told us that these sav
ages are great believers in the immortality
of tho soul. AA'hen ono of their friends dies
they do not say "He has departed," but
"He has arrived."
To Louise at Twenty-five
I
F YOU can dance and smile when flesh is
weary
And converse brightly when your brain
feels dull,
If jou can hold your head up high, my deary,
AVhen cntt? tongues have termed it just
a skull,
If you can change each mood to fie YOUR
HUSBAND'S,
And iix the dinner when the cook has fled,
If you can keep your babies clean and merry
Until their tiny forms are safe In bed,
And gayly welcome Tom, or Dick, or Jerry
AA'horu llusuanu orings on nusn uay co
the home
Then you will be your Mother's pride nnd
pleasure,
And to bcr arms you 11 often have to come !
HER MOTHER.
Desk Mottoes
The most Innocent ot passions will take
the edge, oft one's Judgment. JOoKPlI
CONRAD. 1
AVhen our friend Septimus, who lives in
the suburbs, tells us (as be frequently does)
that we ought to go back to live in the
country, we remind hltn of the remark of the
French lady. "Tho beauties of nature?"
cried tills vivaejous person "I abhor them!
Tim country? It is that it is a place where
birds are raw."
Since Lady Astor entered public life, Vir
ginia may b called not only the Mother of
Presidents but also tlio Mother-in-law of
Parliaments,
LateRt Prohibition Move
The Society for tho Prevention of Cruelty
1919
to Sleep informs us that it is going to agi
tate for the prohibition of alarm clocks.
"When is a farce not a farce?" inquired
the newcomer on Broudwny.
"When there's no bedroom in it," said the
'theatrical manager.
Harper and Brothers, the famous old pub
lishing house, urc said to have decided to
leave New York on account of labor troubles
in that tutbulent island. AAro shall be sorry
to tee them leave the historic old building
on Franklin Square, where they linve been
so long, But if ihey insist on moving, und
"want to feel at home, why not try Franklin
Square, Philadelphia?
e
Love Among the Moth Balls
Vcar Socrates Shelley, wasn't It, -who
wroto of "the desire of the moth for the
star?" But, after vlsltlne tho storeroom to
pet out niyo'xtra-rugged Christmas flannels,
1 conclude that this desire was nothing to
the passion of tho moth for my old winter
overcoat. V. PL-IIMBUS CAMPHOR.
Gesticulating Flsh
Some Jersey fishermen must have been
kidding the New York Times. AVc notice
thnt the Times says that New Jersey anglers
get large catches "by running over the wet
sand after each shattered "and retreating
breaker and gathering "up the fish left
stranded and flopping with their baro
hands."
But a Real Gentleman Would Save the
Lady
At tho foot of this shaded vista, the
wny turning down the stream passes up
Into and down through crevices, where
the overhanging rocks, being of the Metho
dist persuasion, sprinkle the heads of the
passers-by with, clean wator. And, In
deed, It seems quite thoughtful in these
stones to preparo tha traveller at this
point for death, because the next fifty
yards of his path are the most dangerous
that the writer has witnessed In all North
Carolina. ... If ever a lady tumbles
over this precipice, she will most probably
be lost, nnd a gentleman could save him
self only by good swimming. The rocks
blend into a scene as wild and varied as
can be woven of tho warp and woof of
mystery and repose. Tho Balsam Groves
of Grandfather Mountain.
We envy the Roosevelt the felicity of
havings started n coffee-house in New York.
It has always been one of our secret ambi
tions to be n landlord, and we can imagine
nothing more agreeable than presiding over a
coffeo-tavcrn of the old-fashioned sort. AVo
are a little worried, however, lest tho Roose
velt cafeteria bo a bit too solemnly political
in jlaor. Mr. Salazar, the Brazilian coffee
expert who acts as host, says he is going
to put on the tables "many conies of the
constitution of the United States in an
nbridged edition, AA'hen a man drinks n cup
ot colleo ins wits are sharpened and he Is
able to read such a thing as the constitution
of the United States, which I regard as the
most wonderful document In tho world."
Wo are curious about the abridgment of
the wonderful document. Our own idea of
abridging it would be to leave out the eight
eenth amendment.
In the Chaffing Dish Coffee House, if we
ever establish .it, tho only dishes served will
bo roast beef, baked potatoes, mince pic nnd
cheese. Pipe smoking will be encouraged,
nnd largo casks of cider will salute, the eye.
AA'e shall endeavor to live up to the maxim
of Leigh Hunt (Ju his delightful paper on
"Coffee-nouses nnd Smoking")
The union of a certain domestic com
fort with publicity Journals of llternture
as well ns news a (Iro visible to all
cyps w-Ilhout Inebriety smoking without
vulgarity.
SOCRA'l'ES.
Bolshevism is a miasmatic gcrlii disease
disseminated by two-legged mosquitoes with
foolish tongues,
TAKE IT! I! '
- -1 ;.- i I
.
THE PESSIMIST
NOTHING to do but work,
Nothing to cat but food,
Nothing to wear but clothes
To keep ono from going nude.
Nothing to breathe but air,
Quick as a Hash 'tis gouo;
Nowhere to fall but off,
Nowhere to stand but on.
Nothing to comb but hair.
Nowhere to sleep but in bed,
Nothing to weep but tears,
Nothing to bury but dead.
Nothing to sing but songs,
Ah, well, alas! alack!
Nowhere to go but out,
Nowhere to come but back.
Nothing to seo but sights.
Nothing to quench but thirst,
Nothing to have but what we'vo got;
Thus through life we are cursed.
Nothing to strike but a gait;
Everything moves thnt goes.
Nothing at all but common sefisc
C'nn ever withstand these woes.
Ben King
Pan -German newspapers arc appealing
for aid for tho Baltic troops "who sacrificed
everything for the, high ideals of the father
land." What makes the ease of tho German
peoplo well-nigh hopeless is tho apparent
sincerity ofJ.be plea.
What Do You Know?
QUIZ
1. From what place do Alderney cows take
their name?
'2. Between whom was the battle of Sa
lamia fought?
3. When did it occur?
a
4. AVhat is nn cthnogrupher?
5. Cau the Supreme Court annul an net
after it has gono into operation?
C. AA'hen did the Germans scuttle the fleet
in Scapa Flow?
7. From what languages aro the words
mamma und mother respectively dc
rived?
8. AA'hat is meant by "Cinquo Cento"?
9. What is the correct pronunciation of the
word ciccrono nnd what docs It mean?
10. According to tho Mohammedans, what
was the f oi bidden fruit of the Garden'
ot Eden?
Answers to Yesterday's Quiz
1. As a result of Maeterlinck's play the
blue bird ha lately become n conven
tional symbol ot happiness.
-. Arkansas should bo pronounced as
though it were spelled Arkunsaw, with
tho accent on tho first syllable.
3. A cheetah is a kind of leopard, tamed
in India and trained to hunt deer.
1. In England a railway switchman is
known as a pointsman.
C. Briareus in Greek mythology was sup
posed to have u hundred arms and fifty
heads. .
0. The Battle of tho Thames In American
history was the engagement fought
near tho banks of tho river Thames in
Ontario, Canada, on October C, 1818.
The Americans under AVillinra Henry
Harrison defeated the British and In
dians under Proctor and Tecumseh.
7. The Black Forest is a mountainous and
wooded region partly in Baden and
pnrtly in AVurtemberg, Germany.
8. AA'illlam Jennings Brjnn resigned as
secretary of statu in 1015,
0. Tho pictutc of Mona Llsu, nlso called
La Giocondu, was painted by Leonardo
da Vinci.
10. Einina Goldman wns born In the prov
ince of Kovuo, Russia, la 1J5QD,
$
ffl
' V
u
V
u
A"
in v.."
.