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EVENING PUBLIC LEDGER PHILADELPHIA, FBIDAY, AUGUST 15, 1919
' (i
m
s.
Euenlng public He&gcr
PUBLIC LEDGER COMPANY
emus jr. k. ctmTis, riDNT
Charles II laidlnrton. Vice President , John C
Martin, Secretary and Treasurer) Philip ft Collins,
John B. Williams John J. Spurgeon. Directors.
i.DITOn!AIj BOARD.
- . Ctirs U. K. Ccxtip, rhilrman
lUAVTO B. SMILEY
Editor
JOtRf C. MArtTIN .. General Business Miiuc
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Philadelphia. Krldnr. Aniniat IS, IIP)
NO RELIEF FOR BROAD STREET
TMRECTOR PATESMAN toots oxult-"-"-
antly that "very impoitant avenues
of truffle, in and out of the city, such as
Broad street, Girard avenue, Lansdowne
avenue, Kidce avenue, Island road and
Woodland avenue" are to be repavrd or
repaired.
The blast is as pretentious as perform
ance will be meager. Ruts, holes and
abominable paving will continue to dis
figure the main longitudinal highway of
the city and harass its traffic save in a
precious little sector in South Philadel
phia. Less than a block of Broad street
between Moyamensing and Oregon ave
nues is to be made tolerable to motorists.
That, is what the blazoned "improve
ment" of the roadbed of the city's main
artery really means. The half million
dollars of contracts which have been let
bring no substantial benefit where it is
most needed.
Meanwhile the two million dollar fund
provided by the loan bill for keeping the
streets in condition is enmeshed in liti
gation because its appropriation conflicts
r.'ith a clause of the new city charter.
But whether this muss is cleared up soon
or late, Broad street is victimized by
chronic neglect.
The lack of wide thoroughfares is a
fearful handicap to municipal develop
ment Any sane policy devoid of favorit
ism would necessarily be directed toward
keeping Broad street in order. Such re
lief as the director of public works prom
ises is simply lamentable sham.
IT CUTS BOTH WAYS
"CHARMERS in New Jersey who sell to-
matoes for twenty-five or thirty cents
i"a basket are naturally grief-stricken
when they visit the big towns and see
these same tomatoes on sale at a dollar
and a quarter a basket. The farmers
themselves are not by any means blame
less. Consciously or unconsciously, they
have helped to build up a spoils system
in the food markets by making contracts
for the sale of their crops even before
the seed is in the ground.
That practice is now pretty general
throughout the East. Speculators own
orchard and field crops before the buds
appear. The government wi'l not have
to go far for proof that vast quantities
of fruits and vegetables are left to rot
on the ground, since it is cheaper, of
course, to ship limited quantities of
produce and collect high prices in a re
stricted market than it is to ship the full
volume, which automatically would biing
about lower general rates.
One of these days the farmers may
learn that they could do vastly better by
returning to their old system of diiect
sale in the city markets or to smaller
middlemen.
THE SCALE OF CRISES
A MILAN newspaper reports that the
" Fiume piobltm has been settled and
that the still undisclosed decision of the
Allied commission of the supreme coun
cil will give universal satisfaction,
neither offending Italy nor wounding
France. All the excitement of last win
ter vanishes like a tent-folding Arab and
the Adriatic flows as gent'y as the Afton.
Of course, reservations regarding the
.truth of the rumor must be made, but
even if all this alleged serenity is spu
rious it is doubtful whether even the
most violent Fiume deadlock would be
startling. The world is more than gen
erously fed up with crises. It confronts
them now as methodically as Alice's
White Queen faced the two or three im
possible things which she did each morn
ing before breakfast.
Since Fiume we have had Shantung,
the French alliance, the treaty "leak,"
the reservations battle, the Knox resolu
tion, the Plumb plan, the high-cost-of-living
challenges, the Rumanian ulti
matum and the actors' strike.
What's a floundering Croatian seaport
on a planet like this? Settled or unset
tled, the Fiume tangle responds to the
inexorable rule of proportion in the cos
'mic labyrinth. Was it really worth Son
nino'g special train ?
MR. BAKER DOESN'T CHANGE
T"AILY it becomes more fashionable to
-' say of Secretary Baker that he is a
well-meaning and amiable gentleman
hopelessly bossed and intimidated by an
ftrmy general staff composed of officers
who hate change and detest even the
thought of innovations. The present
frtatus of the military flying service lends
itew point to this familiar theory.
Every government in Europe has a
uparate air ministry. Foch, Joffre,
kHaig and Pershing, as well as most of
. otir own field officers and all membhrg of
iMt aviation service, believe that the
. Tnlted States should have a separate
i: Ihfpsrtment for the administration of
W.jweBt division of tho fighting serv
ice. A special commission appointed to
investigate the matter has a like con
viction. Mr Haker objects. The aimy general
staff doesn't want a soci clary of aviation
in the cabinet Why? Because things
ale more comfortable ns they are. Yet
the aviation section is about as hope
fully established now ns the navy would
be if it weie tun by the aimy.
Mr. Haker may still recoil from
thoughts of pirpnrcdness. Or he may
feel that since Congiess seems to be
opposed to (lying on genernl principles a
separate department isn't woilh bother
ing about. In any event, between Con
giess and the secretary of war the flying
service in America is now about where it
was in 101 1. In Europe militaiy aviation
has gone at least twenty years ahead of
us in the last eight months.
MOORE VS. PATTERSON:
THE MEN AND THE ISSUE
A Consideration of the Merits and De
merits of the Rival Candidates and
the Vital Principle Involved
TF THE contest for the Republican nomi---
tintinn for Mayor were lneiely a greedy
struggle between two jealous factions for
party spoils the self-respecting Republi
can voters might be justified in maintain
ing an attitude of cynical or disgusted
indifference.
But it is not.
The issue just joined by the entrance
of Judge Patterson into the field against
Congressman Moore lies deepei and no
such Republican can nffoid to be di- in
terested. He must and -hould, for the
sake of his party and city, take sules and
vote for the candidate who stands for the
best interests of Philadelphia as a com
munity. Which is the right man? A relatively
simple analysis shows. A glance over
the facts will force the logic of the itun
tion upon the intelligence of every man
or woman whose desiie is to see a clean,
businesslike and progressive administra
tion at City Hall for the next four
years four years during which the new
charter will be tested and interpreted
and precedents made for the guidance of
the city's officers during the succeeding
generation or longer.
First of all, it is necessary to keep in
mind that the selection of the Mayor,
however important, is only the next step
in the development and improvement of
Philadelphia's system of government. It
is an incident in a continuing situation
which began months ago, when geneial
public dissatisfaction with the present
methods of political conduct and control
at City Hall manifested itself in the
movement foi the new charter.
If the right man shall be chosen for
Mayor, it will be a powerful factor in de
termining and insuring the success of
the effort; if it --hall bo the wrong man,
all that has been done before will be
futile and impotent. Thus far no vital
mistake has been made.
The essence of the chatter is its an
tagonism to the indirect or bo system
of government. It aims to make the
Mayor of Philadelphia what he should be,
the chief agent of the people in the di
lection of their affairs and to fix icspon
sibility squaiely upon him.
Patently this aim will be immediately
nullified if the Mayor elected shall not
have the grit and spine to be his own
master, to be his own man, and shall
not have a brain capable of coping with
the intricate and difficult problems of tho
office, a conscience which will protect him
from deviation toward crowding tempta
tions and an experience in public affairs
wan anting such a public trust.
These are the yard measuies to lay to
the statures of the candidates, and the
man who can best survive the test is the
man entitled to receive the vote and sup
port of Republicans who believe there is
still something honoiable which it is
necessary to ledeem and pieserve in their
party in this greatest Republican city.
How do Messrs. Mooie and Patterson
come through the test?
Moore enteied the field leluctantly at
first. After a decade and a half of serv
ice well done in Congiess it was not an
easy thing to plunge into a political life-and-death
struggle of this kind. But
after repeated refusals to run, he became
convinced by the arguments of the com
mittee of one hundred that he was the
best qualified man to lead a fight for in
dependence in the Republican party a
kind of wai to make the party safe in its
democracj and he raised his banner.
What did that mean? Well, it showed
that he has some of the primary qualifi
cations for the job. It showed he has
nerve, the hardihood to defy oiders from
"the Front." His announcement was
made in the face of warnings amounting
almost to commands from two of his old
time suppoitcrs, now lieutenants to the
headman of the clan. The solemn ad
monitory compliments of the two Daves
Martin and Lane aie still fresh in
memory. Such independence showed his
ability to think for himself.
Of course, there is Senator Penrose.
Much is likely to be said about Penioso
by the "regulars" from this till primary
day. The senator's active support is of
dubious distinction in the eyes of many
local political purists. Penrose has often
heen an issue quite as serious as the
Varcs and he is likely to be such an issue
again.
But "insiders" best qualified to judge
the matter laugh at the idea of Moore
allowing himself to be dominated by the
senator. They figure it out practically
that if Moore shall be elected he will owe
his choice, fundamentally to the inde
pendent vote, a vote consistently opposed
to Penrose, and that it would be absurd
to expect him to turn over his adminis
tration in payment of so slight a debt as
the senator's support. Moreover, ,Moore
is too able a politician to overlook the
advantage and opportunity which such an
election as the first new charter Mayor
would bring in the quest foi higher hon
ors at the hands of the people. The con
gressman is undoubtedly ambitious, and
he has a ight to be. Ambition i without
the pale of machine bossism predicate
faithful tervice and a clean record.
In the matter of ability to handle (he
office, there can be no question of fitness.
Moore has proved his talents for direc
tion, organization and vigorous perform
ance many times.
Judge Patterson's best qualification is
his peisonality. That is winning. He
has a large cirrle of friends and he de
seives them. Like Moore, he is amiable
and tactful. He, too, has force in getting
things done, is a good organizer and has
the faculty of good fellowship, no mean
asset in a Mayor when properly exerted.
His recoid on the bench has been free
from any scandal nnd he served as subor
dinate in the city solicitor's nnd district
attorney's offices to the apparent satis
faction of his superior officers. There
has been no other public measure of his
ability to fill the place, but no doubt if
left free to do ns he willed, without inter
ference or influence of an obligatory
kind, he would make n record that would
shine by comparison with some of the
Mayors the city has had.
But there is the difficulty. Already
the judge reflects the "rcgulai" organi
zation point of view by ignoring com
pletely the one great principle involved
in tho campaign contractor govern
ment. Nobody can quarrel with the neatly
worded program he laid down as his plat
form. But the omissions are telltale.
Words of rosiest hue cannot divert
public notice from the fact that the judge
is the candidate of the organization con
trol against which the new chaiter is
aimed. He showed a woeful lack of
cleverness in not dealing somehow with
the biggest topic on the hustings. Does
that prove independence, grit, spine,
original initiative nnd the other things
necessniy for the place?
We think not.
The judge is going to find it difficult
to prove that it is better to intrust the
enforcement of the new chaiter to the
hands of a candidate bncked hy the very
interests against which it was enacted
than to a candidnte whose only hope of
success will be to enforce the law to its
utmost limits along the line of its inten
tion. I'nder the eircumstinces, there is only
one suie course for Republicans who be
lieve in democracy as opposed to autoc
racy in their party and official govern
ment as opposed to unofficial and hidden
government and that is to resolve all
doubts in favor of the anti-boss candi
date. That is why we unhesitatingly indorse
Congressman Moore.
THE LIMIT
"DOSTON and its street-railway system
- provide an example in economic de
velopment that labor men, capitalists
and producers of all sorts might study
with benefit in a time when many people
delude themselves with a belief that
theoiizing can be made a substitute for
woik.
The street-railway men in Boston
wanted higher, pay. They deserved it.
The railway corporation quibbled and
balked and then the state took control
and rai.-cd the street-car fare to ten
cents. By this simple method naive poli
ticians supposed that they had settled
everything beautifully to the satisfac
tion of everybody.
They hadn't.
The Bostonese, like the rest of us, had
almost' forgot how to walk. They began
to learn again and lo! the income from
the street railway lines is not yet suffi
cient. It tends actually to decrease!
There is a moral in this for every sort
of piofiteor and for eveiy one who sup
poses that alternate upwaid flights of
prices and wages can somehow bring
about peace and contentment. There is
a cost line beyond which the public will
not go for transpoitation, foodstuffs,
clothes, shoes or any other common need.
When it is reached industrial paralysis
begins and evciybody concerned, instead
of getting added profits, is likely to be
out of a job.
It is through this instinctive reaction
that a good many price and wage boost
ers may yet be made to lealize that the
general public, too, has a will even if it
hasn't an organi7ation.
Because Philadelphia
Walie-Vp lurked adequate ole-
Campaign Needed vator facilities the city
lost a shipment of
1,000,000 bushel- of Riain to n foreisn
country. Some tiny we'll wake up to our
udwintugrs and opportunities. It calls us to
see ltultimore get avtnj with u job too bis
for us to handle
Tomatoes sold by
Juice in Tomatoes Westville, N'. J., farm
el s for twenty-five
rents a basket lite beiui; sold in Philadelphia
and Bultimore at S1.,r0. This rises above
the level of pluiu prolileeiinR anil bits the
plane of liis'i limine e.
In these dins of rapid ehnnue it it in
teresting to realize that the $18,000 Mfhirh
the citv of Philadelphia deposited with the
North Perni Bank unsecured still leinains
u'liMfured.
While certain thoughtful citizens point
out the diingoi of Riving the gorrrmm-nt
power lo regulate prices the government
cheerfully goes ahead and does it. Sugar,
for instance
In conneition with the threatened
shortage of eo.il next winter, it is interesting
to note that Italy has already bad much coal
from this country and desires considerably
moie. .
Heceut happenings iu Korea remind us
that a rebel is sometimes simply an uumic
cessfjl patriot even as a patriot is a suc
cessful rebel.
The Swiss (iovernment spent .f 40,000,
000 during the uar in regulating food prices,
thus making a big hole in the iinaucial
cbeene.
I'ncle Sam is now ready to sell at mic
tion 110.000 new halters. Heads of political
machines should bid rarly to avoid the rush.
Oh, well, why worry? Sooner or later
the Senate will be obliged to can the talk
and get down to eases
I nele Snm & bargain rounter next week
will prove a coiu saver if uot a problem
solver,
RIVER BOATS ON THE SEA
Exciting Trips In Ferry Craft and
Other Vetsels on Water Where
They Were Not Intended to Sail
i
Hy GKOIICK NOX McCAIN
TMAUINK n thrilling trip on a ferry bont'
It is like discussing a storm-tossed rnnnl
bnrge. This episode, however. Is not n
dream of fiction. It is n cold reality of the
last two weeks.
Captain Frank (J. IMwnrds, who repre
Rented Bucks county In the Legislature for
three sessions, was. until lie retired some
years ago, the best known river captain on
the Delaware. In the intervening years he
was interested iu the development of Cape
Mnv property with ex -Senator William
Flinn. of Pittsburgh He still loves boats
and the fresh smell of the water.
Within the past month n big Industrial
roncern of this city engaged him to Inspect
some ferry boats with the purpose of pur
chasing one or two. The captain knows
nil nbout river and ferry craft. At (irnnd
Isle. Xew York, there was a Chnmplain
bont which the captain insperted nnd bought
He also superintended the work of bringing
it safely to Philadelphia.
This is where the thrilling part of the
oyagc on a ferry boat begins.
The heavy rains of last month raised the
waters of the Chainplnin rnnal to nn un
precedented height. On the way to New
York he tells me he was compelled to run
the boat under thirty -seven bridges nnd ne
gotiate fourteen locks. To get through safel
the captain remoied the smokestack nnd
tore down the pilot houses and king posts.
He removed everything upon nnd above th'
upper deck.
But even this was not sufficient to settle
the boat deep enough in the water to ge
through. He bad ten tons of coal stored
in her hunkers, mid l."i.0(M) gallons of water
put into her fresh water tanks In nddl
lion he hnd eighteen nnd a half inches of
wnter pumped Into the hold above the tirc
i imm floor.
This sunk the boat low enough so that
he was ennbled to get her through But it
was n mighty close idinve. Many n time
the deck was only a few scant imhes from
the girderR of the bridges beneath which
thev pnssed.
TXniKN New York wns reached the craft
' was restored to its original condition.
Then came a wait of a week. The lake
anil river ferry boat had to lie put into
shape to meet the swells of the Atlantic.
There was no way of getting her to
Philadelphia except to run out to sea and
down the Jersey coast from New York to
Cape May. After nine dnjs' waiting the
meteorological bureau gave the word and
the captain and his crew steamed out of New
York haibor.
rortunately the wenther wns fine. The
trip at sea wns uneventful anil right ns a
trhet the bont, with Captain Edwards at
the wheel, steamed up the Delaware and is
now doing duty between the city and Petty 's
Island.
A LI, Till' romance of navigation is not
confined to the blue sea. There have
been trips through Niagara ranids below
the falls widely heralded because of the
danger. But they were only small boats.
The pilot of mi Alaskan boat on which
I made a trip from AVIiite Horse to Dawson
City gave me the details of a thrilling trip
through White Horse rapids. It wns n
somewhat more fervid experience thnn thnt
of Captain IMwards.
The rapids lie beyond the White Pass,
between the foot of take Bennett and tl.c
town of White Horse. The waters, racing
like mad hotses, arc confined between high
canyon walls.
In the enrly days of the gold rush to the
Klondike n small steamer operated between
the foot of take Bennett nnd the head of the
rapids. The completion of the White Pass
Hnilroad put it out of commission. It was
then decided to dismantle the boat, remove
the machinery to White Horse nnd place it
in another hull for the river trade between
that town and Dawson. At this point the
pilot, u i ool -blooded chap of nbout thirty,
suggested that he run the boat through the
White Horse rapids. The owneis first
laughed nt him, then adopted bis plan.
tike Captain Ddwnrds be removed the
smokestacks nnd transshipped all movables.
This was to lighten the diaft. He fastened
hales of hay along the deck rails aud hull
as protection fiom the rocky walls of the
canyon
With only one companion ns daring ns
himself to attend the flies they started.
They tame through all right, though badly
shaken up by the pounding of the waves.
The boat was practically uninjured. In
spite of all he could do nt the wheel he could
not keep it from occasionally rasping the
walls of the canyon.
He received $,"00 for the job.
THBRD is n river steamboat, a side-wheel
i raft, plying on the Orinoco river, be
tween Port of Spain on the Island of Triui
dny and the citv of Ciudnd Bolivar, :i."0
miles up the Orinoco, that was built on the
Delawaie.
It was not set up, then taken down and
transshipped to be reassembled on tin South
American liver after the manner of the Afri
Chester tbiity years ago.
It is a tiitie larger than the aveinge pas
senger boats plying on the Delaware. It was
urn down the Atluutie coast, then out to und
through the Mona passage to the Caribbean
and ncioss thnt sea. the entire length of the
South American coast to its destination at
I'ot of Spain
The cuptinn was an American, but the
engineer in i lunge was a native of Venezue
la, who had worked in the Chester shipyard,
where the boat wns built. For years after
he was ihiif engineer on the Orinoco river.
He wns a tall, swarthy iqdivldunl named
iionzale. ami he told me they weie ncnrly
lost in the Cinibbean iu a storm.
Before tempting the sea the boat was
carefully boarded up and inclosed to the
upper deck to protect it from the waves. The
smokestack stays were strengthened nnd
everything done lo insure safety.
It was, I think, the longest voyage on
record for a river bont at sea.
TN HIS lalun one uight during one of the
-- transatlantic vnvages I made with ithe
lnte Captain .1. It. Hill, of the Finland, who
was bulled in this eity with the honors of
war last Fridav . he told me of the most
thrilling experlenie he ever had. It wasn't
of .raging seas and shipwrecks. All real
sea stories b real sailors don't run that way.
Instead it was a homely, but thrilling epi
sode. It occurred while he was a young man
serviug ns third innte on a sailing ship ti
the Mediterranean. They were carrying a
cargo of salt in bulk. There came up a
sharp, short squall, the cargo shifted, and
the ship went almost on her beam ends.
There was one of two things to do, leave the
vessel to its fate or try to get it on an even
keel.
Heading n detail of the crew Mate Hill
descended into the hold and began shoveling
the shifted mass of salt back to Its original
position. Some of the crew used barrel
beads Instead of shovels.
For forty eight hours they tptled below
deck In the heut and semidarkness, not
knowing what moment the vessel would keel
over rfnd send them to the bottom. Thtre
was no chance to escape. He accomplished
hlu task nnd the ship was brought safely to
biff Jiproe port.
1 v5!ttJixiSisiai5'A"-"K:1Lv tHS ' tratt'-'s.-sit- - ' h. "i A
THE CHAFFING DISH
The Dear Dead Days
VTICK-MIXDHD Philudelphiuns, we think,
' will be glad to be reminded that today
is the niuety-lifth lilithdny of Charles God
frey telaiid. Mr. telanil wns not only the
truest Itoheiniun Philadelphia ever begat nnd
certninly the best colyuniist born in these
parts; but be has an intimate claim on our
gratitude. For we learn from Mrs. Pen
nell's delightful biography that it was he wdio
introduced lager beer in Philadelphia.
Strategy
Fred Breitinger tells us that theic is a
near-beer on the market which is labeled
something like this :
This Is a nonalcoholic. nonlutoxIcathiR
beverage, containing less than one-half of
1 percent alcohol by weight CAUTION: Io
not uild .venst or It will transform Itself Into
n bevtrnce with 10 per cent nlroliot, wlilell
Is lllfR-ul.
We nre nlwnjs cheered by the polite and
cousinly grief of our English friends who
deplore the importation of Americanisms
into the gland old mother tongue. II. W.
nnd F. (1 Fowler, compilers of the "The
Concise Oxford Dictionary," are also the
authors of a delightful volume called "The
King's English." They make it sadly plain
that the king's English is fnr from being the
President's English. Bitterly they cry :
Minneapolis. I'llievllln unit PelinnjlvHnin
may have a barb.u Iu sound, but there they
are.
Va. here we are: and we nre wondering
k whether Pennsylvania (so-named by an
,.,. .-. i v.ni.. ...:,. .....,..i
i'jngiisiimau uas a mun; uaiuiiui: puhu
than Kidderminster, Knockmcildown, Wig
town, I'ontMiridd, Tiglinabruaich and
Shanklln.
Rules for the Urchin
The innocent I'rcliin, aged two years nnd
eight months, is amusing himself nt the
seashore without suspecting that mature
citizens of this town nre making plans for
his discipline nnd decorum. Not long ngo
we nsked our friend Wilbur Thomas how
he had managed to grow up into one of
the most demure and seemly human beings
wc have- ever encountered. He replied that
it wus due partly to having been born in
New England, und partly to n list of rules
on which be was brought up. He offered
to send us these rules for the Urchin,
and here they me:
Dear Socrates Appended you will find a
few rules to nlrt you In bringing up the
Urchin In the way he should go I was
brought up on tftese rules, and you know
what a. good "Job" was turned out. The
rules for Sunday observance are not com
prehensive, I fear, for I remember that one
Sabbath lay. when fnllier was taking his
customary nap in church, 1 pinned bis coat
tails to the pew cushion When lie got up to
sing be took the cushion with him. I don't
recall what happened afterward You can
take the necessaiy precaution with the
Urchin. Hre are the lilies.
Don't slum the door
Don't pul our hiinds In jour pockets.
Don't cress our legs
Don't sit with our Ipks spread apart
Don't roll like a sailor when ou walk.
Don't toe In like an Indian
Uon't talk when older people are present. "Lit
tle children i-liould be seen and not heard '
Don't sa "yes" and "no" Alwava say "yce,
sir." "no. sir" lor "ma'am")
Dcn't leave things around. Have "a place for
eerthlntr ind everitnliiK In lis place"
Don't sit on two leas of nur chair.
Don't "sauce" our parents.
Don't point on Sunday
Don't run on Bunday
Don't talk out loud on Sunday.
Don't whisper In church
Don't Icok around In ihurch
Don't forget to fcay "please" and "thank you.'
Don't spit
Don't talk with our mouth full.
Don't keep vour hands open. Open hands
mean that jou will ba a spendthrift.
Closed hands mean that ou will ba a
rich man
Don ask for a second helping at table
Dcn't say had words Penalt Mouth to be
washed out with soap and water.
Dan't lie, steal, smoke, chew.
There must have been other rules, but
these have stuck through all the years I am
sure, too, that 1 must have forgotten to keen
r my hands closed. Otherwise, I believe, I
have notning to regret.
WILBUR G. THOMAS.
Desk Mottoes
Each one of us Is alope in the world.
He Is shut In a tower of brass, and can
communicate with his fellqws only by
signs, and the signs have no common value,
so that their sense Is vague and uncertain.
We seek pitifully lo convey to others the.
treasures of our heart, but they have not
the power to accept them, and so we go
lonely, Bide by side, but not together, un
able to know our fellows and unknown by
them. We ore like people living In u coun.
try whosn language they know so little that,
with all manner of beautiful and profound
things to say, they me condemned to the
"LADIE-EE-ES
GEN'LEJVTNM"
banalities of the conversation manual
Their brain Is seething with Ideas, and they
can only tell you that the unibiella of the
eTurdener'H aunt is In the house W. Komei
bet Maugham, "The Jloon and .Sixpence."
He Joined the N. R. F.
JN Camden town lli.irc licd a guy
Kln feet, three lull In s lavvl.
An' Ceorgle I,onn mi? his name.
He heard Ills nation's tuwl
George wiaggert forth ltli valvunt men
iKerrieus. nohll utlie)
To it rekrootln' stashun stioled.
An' Hined up. ah' fors 'oth
Wood tint nwl men va!uht wer
As Oeorge to down the Hun
To diase his sub akkrit tile brine
An' make his Yeivbotes run'
Curses' Wen the Ileal suinmlnr ksnie,
Ti. Gods' It made him bawl
IiiHie.nl of ihasln' sul7. an' things.
His wuz n different kaut
To Glawster City he must bo.
(A glnomv rlwcr town)
To sling the Ink wen the sun Uanie up
Until that sun went down.
This K ilser guv Is new a bum
He wages wftr no more.
Hut George must linger three more .eerz
The boob slned up fer four.
Up pines fin' grons Gee! AInt it tuff
To be In sutch a ticks.
WhIU drifted gus an' hhtiv birds
Are mustard out at Dlx?
t'Envol
tamentus de Georges
Oh well, lull Yp Gods! Aw, well.
I'm In a awful stew
I'm In the Glmst.r Navee an' I don't know
wot ta do'
Oh lpemee free' Help' llully cee'
Say DanvelU. glmmp all'
l'y karkass sure I-. rnllln' here.
JoseefUf-i. Oh be sUware'
SAM ItlGI.IN'G
CUwster Navee.
News From Puget Sound
We are always tickled to bear from mem
bers of the Chatting Dish's official family on
their tiavcN. Our admirable friend. Mr.
Charles C. Bell, the apple grower of Boon
ville, Missouri (the sntied home of the corn
cob pipe), writes of the Midi old time lie
is having in Bellingham, Washington. Mr.
Bell is n Civil War veteran, but when on n
vacation he has more fun than n hftcen-jear-old
red-hend. Says he
I am sending you a cane wb'ch I cut for
you while spending the dav with my fam
ily and fi lends at l.aKe Whatcom. Tt Is ft
spruce Dine, which, If It had not been for
my little hatchet, iibIiI 1" centuries to
come have been one of those Pacific coast
giants fnr which this country is f. uly noted.
I also inclose with the cane some cdar
wood to show you how fine this Is. Some
day you must visit this country Vrom
where I am writing this letter I can see
through the east window snow-covered
Mount Baker, forty miles away ; to the
southwest the Olympic mountains; to the
west Puget Sound, with Its many Islands,
and to the nortli the Vancouver mountains
In British Columbia We have some of the
best roads (concrete roads) as the liooil
lload spirit has taken hold hero in earnest
and JudgeMcMiUan, presiding Judge uf the
lounty commissioner.). Informs nu it will
not be long until we can gel into an auto
after breakfast, tour through the giant
foiests toward Mount Baker on the finest
road in America, strike camp at the snow,
line of Mount Baker by 10 a in . spend the
day In playing snowball or hunting and get
back to Bellingham m good time fop supper.
While I like to talk about the Missouri
apple tas you know) I must confess that
this country is also worth talking about, t
note wllb pleasure thnt we do not have lo
depend on the latlfloatlon of the .Senate to
get an apple ciop, and I say wo would be
In a h of a fix, and get no apples
I'llAIlUIiS C. BKU,.
Social Chat
John Patterson, the genial Jurist, answered
the phone many times yesterday.
Jo Daniels and family are enjoying a little
cruise on the boundless Pacific.
We feel that we have gone quite a nay ur
the social' scale. One .of our friends l3 a
Sales Promotion Manager, and he still speaks
to us
There are drawbacks to the passionate love
of peauty. Our friend tho Soothsayer always
wants to read us something from the Book of
Job just about the time we are hustling to
catch a tialn.
SOCltATfS
Jt is confidently expected that if Cooke
will lead the housewives Bolshevik pioliteers
will turn toil end run..
Of course there will be no personalities
in the coming' mayoralty campaign, but
Whuddya nieuu, personalities.1
A Little Prophet Here
(I'nited States District Attorney Kane
says his department will look after the big
food gougers, but the best weapon against
the "little profiteer" is publicity, and he
urges the reorganization of the food admin
istration.) pCBtlCIT.Y is needed
-'- To bring food prices down
Tin warning should be heeded
By every one in town.
While Uncle Sam's attorney
Makes big game disappear.
'Tis ours to tix the journey
Of the little profiteer.
The baker or the grocer
Or little butcher man.
Ah. very well we know, sir,
Will take whate'er he cnn.
Aud though we cannot blame him 1
Our righteous course we'll steer;
With rectitude we'll mime him
A little profiteer.
Perhaps when we have socked him
The big fish will be caught.
EKe vainly we bnvc knocked him,
And knocksftimount to naught.
A whistle iu the wiud'll
Be all our work, 'tis clenr ;
Vnless food prices dwindle
There's little piofit here!
till IF ALEXANDER.
The Warlield plan and tho Plumb plan '
alike suggest the question: If profits in
excess' of a certain amount arc to be di
vided between labor and the people, what
ehauie will there ever be of a reduction of
fares or freight rates?.
The realization of the hope of the women
of the food army thut food prices will
letuni to normal depends entirely on what
i ngieed upon as being normal.
We'll wager a bright red apple that Old
Man Compromise is going to take the snap
out of the peace treaty debate.
Though the wares of the profiteer come
high his methods arc low not to say com
mon. The Riime from now on is "Codlin'i
jour friend, not Short."
What Do You Know?
QUIZ
1. When does the harvest moon occur?
.'. What vegetable was formerly culled love
apple?
3. What is the difference between "de
facto" und "de jure"?
-t According to n recent estimate what two
American cities nre tied for fourth
place iu population?
". Why is brandy called cognac?
(1. Whnt is the origin of the word sybarite?
7. What is a joss?
8. Name two noted commanders of southern
birth who fought for the North in ths
.Civil War?
0. What is a gymkhana?
10. What possessions of the I'nited States
lie within the Torrid Zone?
'Answers to Yesterday's Quiz
1. Omsk, Siberia, is the capital of that
part of Kussiun territory, controlled by
Admiral Kolehak.
2. Francis Wilson is president of the
Actors' Equity Association, now
striking against the theatrical maua-
gers.
.1. Charlotte Bronte wrote "Shirley."
1. Euterpe was the classical goddess of
limbic.
5. Dapple; variegated, with rounded spots
or patches of color or shade
tl. In England the word lieutenant is pro-
nouueed as though spelled "leftcnant"
7. Connecticut js the smallest btate in the
Union after Ithodc Island aud Dela- '
w are,
S. Montmartre hill is a quarter in Paris '
puttirulurly noted for artistic asso-, :
eiationu and Bohemian traditions.
0, Ferdinand De LesscpsMvas the protector
nun riiuiurvr Ul luo oucz Canal.
10, Asteroids . nre small planets revolving 1
' round the sun betweeu 4he orbiU H
Mr and Jupiter, ( " ,"41
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