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THE EVENING TELEGRAPH
APUBLIC LEDGER COMPANY
. eft" rmiTn it if nrnTin PifimEKr
karles H, Ludlnsrlon. Vice President; John C.
an, secretary ann Treasurer: i-ninpn. loiuns.
a. Williams, jonn j. Bpurseon. uireciora.
"" EDITOniAL BOARD:
Ciaoa H. K. Ccms. Chairman
tVID E. SMILEY Editor
1 C. MAJVTIN. . .. Central 'Business Manager
tfubllined dallr at Pceuo Lctxin Ilulldlnc,
Inrfantnrfanpa Rnmf 1'hltBrfl.lnhla
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a'J. Blx U0 dolUra per year, payable In advance.
0t To all forelrn countries one ($1) dollar per
9- monin. ,
&V must le old as well a new address.
f(W ' 1WX, Wot "WALNUT KEYSTONE, MAIN 3000
km AAArena nil rnmmiintrrtf fan fa Kventna f'ubti
tV ' j. r...j...u.,j.a,, fj ..,.. m.MrtfrniiJ
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J$ TAB ASSOCIATED ritESS is exclu
O l.t;c'v cnllttai to the use for republication
2w m ill itetr.n illnnto.he credited tn it or not
Kte Otherwise credited in this paper, and also
me local vcics puoitsnca xncretn.
All rights of republication of special dis
patches herein are also reserved.
PhllflclpliU, Silutd.r, Auiu.t 10, 1911
COURSES IN CARGOES
lJS ' J """ ""' """"" .. -"-""-'
ji tan sucffcstlon mat the university or
Pinnvlvnnln. v!tVi Its lllv nnflrlpd nnnd In
JhK tim "Rlntncrlnnl" fnrrlonc nnH till Tpmnlo
7,i "University, with Its coastline of Broad
" Rtrpitt nenlinlf tnntttittn pftursnq In nrnn-
tlcal .seamanship Is hardly susceptible of
literal interpretation. Seamanship without
ships at first suggests a correspondence
school aviation course.
But the parallel Is not wholly fair. The
collateral activities of seagoing commerce
may be profitably studied in the class
room. Branches which the Temple Uni
versity already is considering for its course
SA rtre marl:ie underwriting, ship and freight
DroKerage, international laws anecting
shipping;, bills of lading, clearance and en
trance papers, water rates and traffic
agreements.
The skipper himself Is not alnajs too
well Informed on such matters. There
are shipping folk who could pursue these
courses on the port side of Woodland ave
nue or the starboard side of Broad street
to considerable advantage. On the other
hand, there are less-traveled Individuals
with a longing for salt air who might
start, the foundations of a subsequent sea
life with a knowledge of the business side.
The fact Is that any Instrument of edu-
f cation or training which will make Phlla-
iA,- delphians more competent to keep pace
with the Inevitably huge development of
this port is worth encouragement. Some
.day, perhaps, our universities may find it
necessary to add ships to their equipment.
te. If impractical immediately, the Chamber of
15'-,, Commerce's advice was at least a good tip.
i ... :
(WW) "he news that, the British are now fight-
Inir Jn Clarence River sector means that the
Tommies have cut through the barbed wire
of French nomenclature and have Indulged
In a little geographic christening on their
ovfn account.
THE BOOMERANG ROUTE
THE march on Paris Is ending In a de
fense of the Rhine. The boomerang
roJte Is obviously unprofitable when one
gratuitously seeks to plunder his neigh
bors. It eventually must lead a freebooter
to safeguard his own possessions, which
nobody had ever threatened before his In
solent forays abroad.
The Kaiser seems alive to this draw
back. In a special cable to the Ilvn.NiNo
Punuc Ledoeii Edwin L. James, whose
authoritative correspondence Is habitually
Wpk " based on fact rather than fancy, declares
l&'p- . thnt Alltpri rnmm.inrlprs hnvA nnltR In.
iy?,"s formation concerning the formation of a
special German army, a half million strong,
to defend the storied stream that washes
itniji aiainz.
Coblentz and Cologne, If the
& Fatherland be not yet In danger, the dis-
BfjV mal vision of an astute general staff ln-
raM-ij fnrmn thm that it twill ho
W3 -i '- - - -- - -
"US Thft mnst. fprvM fnTprnstn rt llhartr'a
& - -"'.D
Wc? legions nave naraiy outdistanced this cold
M calculation of their foe. However, bitterly
, ana against ner win, uermany is prepar-
.,? Inp fni- ?M nnlhillfv nt tyta nhln.'o .
if llstment in the ranks of battle rivers.
KA without speculating a day ahead of the
SKT t report of her defensive preparations, the
j(t, HaiHa la tramcnrlniialir almntAnnHl rAl.n
Kf,jV bt o " unmuuugi; DJbUMIv-UiH JJCI IIUJJ-J
gffiy he rno3t Joyously startllnsr of this kalei-
uusuupiu Buuimci.
The sea wolves off our cqast are said
Rat to unaer orders to avoid formidable op-
K&-"& i-Poien'8-" In sinking an unarmed and an-
u ' chored lightship they are adhering scrupu-
SS', ' lously to the official code.
SLOW NEWS FROM FRANCE
55 TN A dramatic manner yesterday the mall
V A
service the International service In
which Mr. Burleson has only a small
part revealed a suggestion of regret-
$fi? iao ineniciency somewnere in our great
PSJW' r machine. On the casualty lists
3y.v laaiiArt nv inn war iiAnnrfmnt riv- m,H.
f f uu
llcatlon approximately seventy Phlladel-
Ei-'Si-'Bhla soldiers were reported as missing.
rfp Simultaneously with the publication of the
tt the war Department sent telegrams to
the relatives of each soldier. The tele-
'V trims announced that the soldier in ques-
ri'tlon was mlssInK as a result of a heaw
S.Vjactlon on July 15, In several Instances,
C3UOwever, ine department wires were
beaten to this city by letters from the
ma themselves, who wrote from hospitals
r.jis .France to say that they had been
nded in battle on July 15, but were
nf well and feeling: happy.
teere may be all sorts of logical reasons
,lhe delay 01 rormai nouncatlon by the
far Department. And yet it la easily pos-
to imagine the distress that might
V ensued If the news that a soldier was
i lliillni reached his family before the more
.. afearful letter from the soldier himself.
l It''. Is unusual to find informal letters
. mirUUr than formal telegrams. There have
Imwii previous complaints of the delay In
notifications In like Instances. The
t instance suggests a detail of the
that must be Improved It the' army
Jat.boase as k la
"7TAVW
, i
1 IN A SPIKED I
BOLSHEVISM IN A SPIKED
HELMET
Lcnlne's 'Declaration of War on the Altici
and Its Possible Results
TN THE news thnt the Bolshevik lead-
era in Russia the same men who su
pinely surrendered before the barbaric
invasion by Germany have declared a
state of war with the Allies there is more
than a revelation of a sort of perfidy that
is without pnrallel in tho history of
human relationships. Tho fantastic tid
ings bristle with subtle wnrnings. It is
highly probable that such a declaration,
though it may sound futile at this dis
tance and though it was long expected,
will react further to complicate the prob
lems of the Allies in Russia.
This, obviously, is what it was intended
to do, Lcnine and Trotsky, nmid the
ruins of their plans, as confused and as
desperate as Wilhclm himself, seek now
to mobilize the passion of Russia against
the agencies of civilization.
Like the Germans, they seem willing
to burn as they retire. They control
highly potent forces. Their appeal from
the first was to all that was generous,
credulous, faithful and visionary in the
Russian character. It is this that makes
their course at this moment seem unbe
lievably infamous. At the same time it
is by the approach to the emotions,
rather than to the reason, of submerged
Russia that the Bolshcviki have made
themselves influential to a degree not
always admitted by the optimists on the
Allied side.
It is not surprising that the Allies
should find tho Bolshcviki at last openly
and actively opposed to them. The Bol
shcviki have for months been waging a
far less excusable ivar upon their oivn
territory. It is necessary to remember
that the revolutionary idea is not new in
Russia. It has aspired through genera
tion after generation as a well systema
tized democratic idealism.
Tho older revolutionary propaganda
was ennobled by endless martyrdom. In
tellectuals and proletarians, rich and
poor, men and women without number
who consecrated themselves to unselfish
service on behalf of Russia and its peo
ple, went in endless streams to fortresses,
to Siberia, to the gallows. Others always
took their places. The traditions of the
old democratic struggle in Russia are
splendid and pitiful. The older patriots
fought losing battles against forces far
more sinister than anything now known
anywhere in the world outside of Ger
many. They didn't fight to win. They
fought to inspire others. And it is these
others the inheritors of the old demo
cratic aspirations that the Bolshevist
leaders arc noiv shooting and imprison
ing in untold numbers. Civil war has
been almost constant in Russia since the
rise of the Bolsheviki.
Every effort of the sane reformers to
achieve the free government which Rus
sia has awaited and sought thi-ough sac
rifice and matchless bitterness is de
nounced and fought by the Bolsheviki
as a counter-revolution. The nation has
been split up into warring elements. On
the one side are the incurable Reds. On
the other are the revolutionists, who aim
to establish a free and ordered govern
ment in Russia. Lurking in the back
ground are the reactionaries, who will
seize the first opportunity offered by the
contending elements at home or the
Allies abroad to re-establish a state of
tyranny in the empire.
It will do no good to assume that
Lenine, Trotsky and their followers were
at the beginning deliberate allies or
agents of Germany. It must be remem
bered that their quarrel has not been
chiefly with any system of government.
The thing they hate and detest is civili
zation itself. The State of their concep
tion is one in which nine-tenths of hu
man effort would be eliminated. They
have believed that anarchy could some
how be systematized and wrought into a
working principle of government. Ex
perience has shown them that this is not
possible. So, with their fall plainly
destined, with chaos and disorder loom
ing in the immediate future, attended,
perhaps, with omens of popular venge
ance, the Bolsheviki leaders appear will
ing to invite the sympathetic aid of the
Germans for their own safety.
Allied statesmanship in Russia from
this on will have to realize that the vast
mass of the people who .are apparent
supporters of the Bolsheviki are not
themselves conscious devotees of unrea
son. They have been misled. One has
followed the other. The task now will
be to convince and reconcile these peo
ple to make them realize that their
interests and the interests of the country
will be best served by the revolutionists
opposed to them who believe in democ
racy rather than in anarchy.
Kerensky suggested another peril when
he warned the Allies that it will be fatal
if the reactionaries are, or seem to be,
favored in plans for the re-establishment
of government in .Russia. The question
at the present moment is whether the
forces of reason in Russia can be made
to triumph over the forces of blind pas
sion and emotion systematically inspired
and directed, tenine and Trotsky are
now doing their utmost to make the
forces of reason inoperative. If the
Allied procedure is not subtle, sleepless
and adroit, as well as consistently un
selfish and honest, they may yet succeed.
Perhaps the Crown Prince Is getting
cauterized where the Teufel Hunden bit him.
WHAT IS BEHIND IT?
rpHOSE hired propagandists who failed
J- through years of effort to start the
rotting Influences of class and race hatred
In the United States must look with envy
on whoever Is responsible for the recent
clashes of white men and negroes In this
clty-runless they themselves have had a
I1??"..- "'Zt"r ., , JU , ,. -
;band la the matter,
'
free government Isn't frw. that the Amer- I
lean spirit of fair play begins and ends
In rhetoric, that we In thin country are
swayed by Ignorance and bigotry or that
our methods of government nro not effi
cient could help but look with delight
upon the recent disturbances in tho
streets of Philadelphia and tho injustices
suffered by Innocent and reputable citizens
at tho hands of unruly gangs,
Tho thought that race lights should be
recurrent Is altogether Intolerable. Some
thing Is wrong somewhere. Beneath the
face of the troublo a moro serious trouble
exists. Whether It Is limited to police
Inefficiency or an Inadequate force, whether
it has its origin In the sheer lawlessness
of a few men In n carefully engendered
and artificially cultivated bigotry on one
side or tho other, over body with a regard
for decency and order will want to know
the facts.
An explanation moro thorough than any
yet offered Is due from tho police. At tho
same time the officers of the marine corps
who were left by Lieutenant Colonol Hatch
to maintain order In Philadelphia have
ground for swift and relentless action In
the case of those of their own men who
are reported to have had a part In recent
street disturbances. Th marines have a
magnificent record as the best police force
In the world. If the report that members
of tho corps assaulted negroes Is not un
founded, then a few men In a service
which the country esteems and holds In
affection have done their utmost to bring
discredit upon thejr uniforms.
Ooldenrod Is almost in blosom, and the
hay-fever Soviets are considering felf-exter-minatlon.
WAR AT HIGH SPEED
T)ARIS AND AMIENS aro no longer In
serious danger, but war prophets are.
The present summer has seen history In
it most mercurial mood. The peril of
"thinking too precisely on the eent" has
been repeatedly manifested. Hindsight has
pro Ided the safest trench, and yet even
the Interpretation of past occurrences has
not been fully standardized. Explanations
of Ludendorff's real Intentions and of hlf
defeat still vary. Estimates of the scope
of Koch's counter-offensive undergo dally
revision.
The significance of Halg's brilliant ad
vance on the Amiens front raises addi
tional problems. Conservatives and en
thusiasts alike hae been confuted by the
whirligig of epoch-making circumstances
set In motion since July 15. Battles have
been won, campaigns fought with such
startling swiftness that tho most sensa
tional prognostications seemed tame beside
the actual happenings.
The war Is In a state of flux. Measure
ments of ground gained are no longer
given in yards, but In miles. On March
21 Germany began to operate on thnt
scale. On July 15 the Allies and America
adopted the same standard for their own
glorious purposes.
The specific meaning of the great new
battle In PIcardy Is dependent on many
possibilities. The passage of the Initiative
to the British Is, of course, clear. It Is
perfectly evident that "Second Marne"
turned the whole tide of the war and
smashed the largo aspect of the German
plan to win this summer. Halg's speedy
drive still further emphasizes the splendor
of the changed situation.
The immediate results of his present ac
tion arc, however, affected by a host of
contingencies. It is possible nt this writing
to read In his success an astonishing col
lapte of German military efficiency, as
based on man-power. Tho recap'ture in a
few days of territory painfully wrested
from thf Germans In the course of weeks
during the Somme offensive of 1916 might
suggest the beginning of a Hun debacle.
On the other hand, the comparative ease
with which the Franco-Biltlsh armies have
advanced may Indicate that a general dis
aster Is still far off, but that the imperial
general staff has determined to play a de
fensive game in the most effective way for
the remainder of tho year.
In that case, the best military strategy
would obviously order a retirement to the
strongest positions available without too
great a sacrifice of ground. This was Hln
denburg's game two years ago, and It
worked well enough to prevent Britain and
France from winning the war before Rus
sia betrayed the cause.
A third possibility involves not so much
the breakdown of the entire Teuton mili
tary machine as bad functioning In only
a part of It. It Is well known that the
Crown Prince in Champagne was com
pelled to call upon the reserves from
Prince Rupprecht's army In Flanders.
Realizing that this force was weak, Haig
may have determined to make the most
of a golden opportunity.
The design of an offensive Is open to
Innumerable amendments. Plainly the
Allies are now determined to go as far
as they can without wasting reserves or
falling into a trap. Anything more definite
In the general plan of operations can not
now be foreseen.
, For the last three weeks the bulletins
of victory have been so resplendent that
the temptation to speculate should be re
sisted. We have won signal successes, and
can at last afford to await the next com
muniques, not with trepidation, but with
hope.
The German papers
The Wolff In seem to hesitate to In
Sheep'a Clolhlnr form their readers of
the extent of the
KaUer's recent victories Is the Wolff Bu
reau feeling sheepish?
It seems that the
They Mar Kaiser will have to
Xued To hock some of his shock
troops in order to de
fend the Rhine. We hope they all know how
to swim.
Speaking of drydocks, the one now being
planned by the Louisiana 'Legislature, which
has Just voted for the Federal prohibition
amendment, promises to be one of the most
significant ones tn the country.
The Kaiser Is perhaps acting wisely In
preparing a "grand stand" on the Rhine.
He'll have a good seat from which to watch
the "Big League" win the game.
Considering the way In which many of
her submarines are trapped "net losses" has
a particularly poignant double meaning In
Hunland.
" """" waj Kee" ion " "'.
i
i nnrtlk, Mlktw nnwe..B I
PRUNES AND PRISMS
HlntlenburR's Will
Jf HINDENBURG, being thoroughly fed
3)f up with things In general, desire
to make disposition of my effects to the
best advantage. I therefore will and be
queath as follows:
To our enemies I leavo Gott. I wish to
have nothing more to do with him, Since
ho skidded so badly on the Marnc, he Is of
no military value to the general staff. I
bellevo his morale Is affected.
To tho German people I leave my share
of paper clothing, turnips and the Rosner
dispatches. They ace welcomo to them.
To Ludcndorff I leavo General Foch. I
am glad to get him oft my hands.
To tho Crown Prlnco I bequeath the
Devil Dogs, and advlso him to keep them
at a distance. Also to the Crown Prince
I bequeath General Pershing. He Is very
trying. After wo have all got bored with
this war, for him to como over here and
take It so seriously shows that ho has
no sense of humor.
To Wllhelm I leave Der Tag, and all the
dotted lines on the map. I hopo ho will
know what to do with them.
CODICIL I don't know Just how to dis
pose of that wooden statue of me In Ber
lin. I think I shall leavo It to Lcnlno and
Trotsky In gratitude for their services.
Thoy can call It a wooden legacy.
HINDENBURG.
Judging by the increase of shaded areas
on the uar maps, Germany's placo in tho
sun is undergoing some daylight shaving.
General Foch, having frisked Luden
dorff's small-change pocket. Is now going
after the ono whero he keeps tho Big Bill,
Well Said, Edward!
IF 1 were a poet,
Which I am not,
I would write a poem
A long poem, a. fulsome poem
In admiration of
A lot of people
Right here In Philadelphia,
Who would probably be scared to death
If they thought any ono was even threaten
ing them
With a poem.
I
D START w Ith Officer R an,
The Reserve Policeman at Seventh and
Chestnut streets,
And then go on and
Mention every other Reserve In the city.
And every mounted officer and his horse,
Who was right there on tho Job this week
When tho thermomcier was 106
Saving people who were too hot
To look where they were going, or
To care what happened to them.
NEXT I'd say a good word for Lew
Officer Ryan's "next-door neighbor"
And all the other newsdealers and newsboys,
Old and younir. big and little,
llecauc, like Ryan, they're always on the Job
With my piper, nnd your paper,
Hot or cold, rain or shine.
AND then I'd pen a stanza or two,
. About the boy at the soda fountain.
Who worked like a gunner on the Marne,
Serving cold drinks to all sorts of people
Who were hot
And In a hurry, '
And sometimes very Impatient. ,
NOR would I omit tho girls
In the restaurants.
Who hustled Ico cream nnd watermelon, and
Cantaloupe and sliced tomatoes and
Oceans of iced tea,
For me and for you and for everybody else
This week when It went up to 106.
AND there wouldn't be anything
. Too good that I could say
For the fellows who draw the buckets of
water
For the tired, hot horses,
And the dogs.
BUT anyway,
I feel better for having tried, at least,
Tn pay my rcpects to
All the folks who made life easier
This wetk when it went up to 106.
NED MUSCHAMP.
At Gott hai been demobilized in Ger
many , nidently the German motto can no
longer be
"Gott Mit Kuns.'
Almost the only military authority In
Germanv who would be welcomed over
here Just now Is Captain von Kuhlwetter.
The Happy German Editor
Instructions for German Newspapers:
The following editorial is to be printed to
day: Every loyal German will today his eyes
toward the glorious east turn. Ignoring
trivial and tactless matters on the western
front. The downfall of shameful England
Is now so plain that even Germans to ad
mit It will constrained be. The ever-to-be-pralsed
Trotsky has declared war on Eng
land, and under the hammer strokes of
the Soviets the flimsy Brltis'i empire will
apart fall. 'And America prostrated by an
unexampled heat wave Is. Let no German
mind dwell upon events in France; they
are too trifling to deserve mention.
Wc ttoirtd like fc j)lace on our own roll
of honor the man who planted that Stars-and-Btripes
flower-bed beside the tracks
just north of the Heading Tex minal. Also,
as an amateur gaidencr, ve'd like to know
how he keeps it looking so fresh.
We hope Russia isn't going to leap out
of the pan Soviets Into the fire.
SOCRATES.
The German Governor In Belgium pun
ished Liege for celebrating the recent Allied
victories by ordering ear'y curfew. Might one
call that a cruel as well as a curfuel ad
ministration? "Franco-Brlttih troop, have reached their vari
ous aelected objectives "War report.
Chalk up another score for selective
service.
Ferdinand of Bulgaria is now reported to
be traveling Incog the natural progress of
a chap that "has wheels,"
Harletonlans describe their new antl
fllrtlnc ordinance as "virtually martial law,"
but don't they really mean "marital"?
Launchtngs are Indisputably of dally
occurrence now. If It Isn't a ship It's a
drive.
Isn't It pretty nearly time the Kaiser
changed the name of his Potsdam palace
from Sans Soucl to Sans Sausages?
The news that Germany has Increased
her army's pay emphasizes the fact that
defeafets a costly business.
Even the man with a "cool million" can't
do otherwise than have a hot time with It
this August. ,
"Somma-attaclr," says a headline, "to
-h ... Itl,
u )V.lal!jtliiAlMiA
WHY NOT TAKEO
By Simeon
((TTOU don't consider it nt all probable,"
X he said, wistfully, "that the Govern
ment will be taking over control of tho tides
before Labor Day, do )ou?"
"That depends," I replied smartly. "I un
derstand that Mr. McAdoo is usually disen
gaged between 7:17 and 7 '36 a. m."
"I have looked up the legal side of tho
question," he went on, smiling faintly at
something he glimpsed outside of my window.
"There are no legal difficulties. The Federal
Government has Jurisdiction of all navigable
waters. Of couihe, at low tido jou couldn't
navigate anv thing very considerable off our
beach, but jou might at high water. At nny
rate, homethlng lias to be done to systematize
things. It's absurd tho way they carry on
now."
"The tides?" I said.
Iimili; tides," he said. "As a war measure,
J. you know. I am not in the armv, but
to tho extent of my abilities I am trying to
do my bit. That's why we came out to Dingle
Cove, so that I might get a bath In tho sea,
my ivlfe said, after these hot days In town.
In a way she's right. If I can't keep myfcelf
decently fit up to Labor Day, what'll happen
to the Government when It comes around
next June collecting my lncomo tax? I
pointed that out In a letter 1 wiote to the
Collector of Internal Revenue, which ho
hasn't answered yet. And .now am I to go
on buvinc war-savings stamps7 I could go
on saving on sugar, of course, but I want to
do something more than that for my country.
There are half a hundred men of about my
age out In Dingle Cove who are In the same
fix."
"You haven't (specified It," I said.
TT'S very simple," he replied. "Take the
JL women and children who stay out all
day at Dingle Cove. They can go bathing
nny time between 9 and 7, and so assure
themselves of a sufficient quantity of water
in the bay. But how is It with us who go
Into town every day? I leave my office to
make the 5:0C. Say I am fortunate and
make the 6:44. By the timo I get down to
the shoro the water Is Bomewhero on the
other side of the bound."
"Where does all the water go to?"
I sniffed contemptuously, as the s-afest
thing to do. "Oh, back Into tho ocean, I
suppose."
"That's Just It," he said. "It's this total
failure to regulate distribution I have In
mind. There's plenty of water In the tea as
It Is; enough to float our transports across
and our food ships; It will be some time
before Mr. Schwab crowds it up. It's dif
ferent in our bay, by the time the 0:44
gets In.
"Tneres surely one way, i saiu rainer
Impatiently, "Think' of your income tax and
your war-savings stamps and walk out a
bit from the end of the dock. Other people
do more for their country."
TT ISN'T serving my country to go and
X develop calluses on the soles of my
feet," he replied with some asperity. "And
when I cut myself on the mussel shells I
consume a considerable amount of peroxide
that General Gorgas needs badly enough.
You said walk out a bit. But when I have
been an hour and three-quarters on the cars
I am in no condition to walk half a mile
under difficulties."
"Oh. half a mile," I said.
"Half a mile," he Insisted, "and It gets
shallower as you keep on. You might swim
out, of course, but then you get abrasions on
the knee. Shall I show you?"
I AGREED to let him read his statement
Into the record without further proof.
"No," he said firmly, "It must be plain on
a moment's reflection that a man somewhere
in the neighborhood of 190 pounds cannot
swim In eleven Inches of water with ease,
dignity or moral satisfaction. So you walk
out, and beforo you know It you are top of
the mussel beds."
"Mussel beds?" I said.
"The mussel," he observed, "Is a succulent
bivalve whose food value, as the Department
of Agriculture regretfully points out, has not
yet begun to be appreciated by our people.
But I think I can understand why. Its food
value may be all ,tlmt the Department of
Agriculture claims, but taken externally, on
the sole of the bare foot, the mussel leaves
much to be desired. It has the extraordinary
peculiarity of being at the same time ex
nA.rtinirlv sllDDery and developing a razor
ledge, That is to say, when you step on, pne I
edge, That is to say, wnen you p on ,pne
ibw,' nr aoalr ur bevyur wliitevu: tie' Bama
- . 4GJir, -i,,A;u-uri44a--'jr .i"i-fciWL.ii. ii.r.T.Ti c -r .-),, ,iwu ;i v. . ta - -.1 1 i i'.-- v-vit- 1 . ' -r-
f ' . .l1: , .
., THE TOY
iiu
VER THE TIDES ?
Strunsky
Is for an nsscmbly of mussel shells, you sllp
off and land on another Soviet of Khells with
tho edge uppermost. You will say, of course,
that It's rather odd that when jou slip oft
a smooth congregation of shells jou should
Invariablj- land on a chisel-edge combination.
To which I reply that It Isn't a coincidence
nt all. If, having tobogganed from one
smooth bunch jou land on nnother highly
polished bunch, jou merely go on slipping
until jou find tho sharp ones. It Is an In
variable rule. As a result, 1 have frequently
been tempted to miss the 5 '44 on purpose
and como home and tell my wife that I was
too lato to go Into tho water."
"Oh," I said
"A moral crime, no doubt," he said, "con
sidering tho baerlflces my wlfo has made
she prefers tho mountains every time In
order that I might get my sea bath after
the daj's grind in the office. But there's
another side to the moral problem. Consider.
You leave tho otlico In tho thought of tho
jolly time jou are going to have In the cool,
fresh sea. You miss jour bubvvaj" train, but
you think of the silver glint of tho sun on
tho water and are consoled. Y'ou get to tho
station Just In time to see the tail lights of
the 6:00, but J'ou think of the cold bhowor
after the bath. The trolley is Jammed and
j'ou hang on perilously to the footboard, but
the first glimpse of the ripple on the water
what there Is of it makes you forget. Then
ou get Into jour bathing suit, step out, and
the first one to greet jou is the succulent
and nourishing mussel. If the army regula
tions weren't strict about civilians in uni
form I havo often thought that a pair of
Cgrdovan "
"B
tlence ; "j ou know us well as I do that
the tides vary an hour every day "
"That's Just it," he Interrupted ; "I thought
that If the Government took them over be
cause It's absurd, jou see, that the women
and children and other nonproducers like
lifeguards and buch should have tho best of
It, while we who pay Income taxes and buy
thrift stamps "
"I was sajlng," I remarked severelj', "that
with the tides varying at least an hour every
daj-, there must bo times when your 5:44
brings jou down to Dingle Cove at high tide
bay, onlj" three or four days a month."
"Those are tho days when there Is some
thing wrong with the third rail and I get In
at 7.45," he said.
I knew I had him then.
"And who is it runs the railroads?" I said.
"The Government, to be sure," he admit
ted manfullj'. "And that's what 1 had In
mind when I wanted the Government to
take over our bay at Dlnglo Cove. Under
the bame adminlbtratlon the two things might
be adjusted."
(CVTOU mean they might regulate the 5:44
JL so that It gets In on time when there Is
high water?"
"Oh, I am not as optimistic as nil that,"
ho replied. "But I thought they might regu
late tho tide."
"They'd have to regulate the moon, then,"
I said caustlcallj'. "And the moon Is hardly
within Federal Jurisdiction."
"The moon?" he said.
Briefly I outlined to him how the moon. In
its revolution around the eaith at an angle
of 43 degrees to the ecliptic in tho ascendant
angle of tho Zodiac close to the .Little Dipper
drew up the tides toward itself and let them
go again, especially 111 the northern hemi
sphere. As he evinced some difficulty In fol
lowing my argument I showed him the tide
table on a pocket folder together with tho
train schedule, tho trolley schedule, the mail
schedule, and the best place to get your fresh
butter and eggs.
"I see," he said, "and It Isn't at all bad,
j-ou know. If I can put It up either to the
moon or the Government It mfght get by my
wife. Y'ou know, there's nothing like a
cold splash in the bathtub at home. For
tunately, It Isn't very long to Labor Day,"
Copyright. 1018
The Bright Side
Since the periodical known as American
Medicine pointed out so clearly and authori
tatively that the girls are wearing so little
finery or anything else, for that matter, that
they have no more sex lure than a rabbit
any more, we look for a marked diminution
In the number of automobile accidents due
to the necessity heretofore felt by the man
who drives his own car of looking around H
at beautiful passing strangers dressed In the
way described by, Amwlean MtloiB. Oht
WHIM. - ,.,'Mi ,'J lif
, , '. , -.-! Ml
' " '" ' "H
wvfTOr,iwA?'',isr'
ji,j:.-i-ir-"i.-,'-:4
'O-l, - "
The Girl at the Fountain
SHE stands before the soda slab,
Her eyes a sort of faded drab.
And passes drinks that persons grab
Who think they need a tonic.
Well, yes; she i3 a trifle slow.
But, O Imbiber! you should know
She's here to let a fellow go
Where gas Is not carbonic.
But yesterday I asked the maid
To mix a soda lemonade.
The beverago she before me laid
Seemed chiefly brewed of niter,
But did I utter loud complaint?
Oh, no! With patience of a saint
I said, "Though soda sharp she ain't,
She's proxy for a fighter!"
In dishing out Bill Sundae's kin
The thumb upon her dexter fin
She carelessly Inserted In
That rather cloying trifle.
But did the customer give cry?
Oh, no! I merely heard him sigh,
"She's subbing for a husky, guy
Who's carrying a rlflef"
She seldom gets an order straight;
She serves vanlll' for chocolate.
But don't berate that girlish pate,
Where reason seems to totter!
Her presence In this soda grot
Permits one Johnny-on-the-Spot,
To ask a German, "Yours Is what?"
And serve him something hotter!
Jonn Uiv.eeie, in me rew zone worio. jvi
, H
Joy for "Hello Girln" &
Pretty soon, vwhen you "kick" Into th'"'
phone jou may be "roasting" the Govern 2"4
ment, which is near treason.-goniah.
-Portland OraVI
A Certainty
A woman may be In doubt on many things, "
but she is always sure that her husband la
underpaid. Detroit Free Press.
What Do You Know?
QUIZ
1. Where Is Camp Caster?
2. What ! the hnbens corpus act?
3. Who Is Albert ilallln?
4. When wa the Cnllfornln "sola ferer"?
5. What whs the orUIn of the Order of the
unricr?
6. Who sre the SloTak?
7, When nns tb Julian calendar Instituted sadj
what was It?
8. Who his been nronoscd br Germany at the ,
ivins oi xiiiihuu(
0. What wan the "Lnnd of Promise"?
10. Who wrote: " '(lod bless jrou" Is the pls
fpHlilontl summlnjr up of sincere afreetum. '
without the least smirk of studied crtll,
U"7 1
'
Answers to Yesterday's Quls l '
i Artllil. fhn shock troons of the Italian armleav. .!
2, Hartford Is the ranltal and tlrldienort sW
which has passed New Haven In populatitsj jiB
Is tho lamest eltr In ConnecUcut. -JS
3. General BemlnofT Is the antl-Rolslieirlk chiefs
tain In Alanehurla. Ho Is a Cossack. r2
4, Consolsi the pnMlo securities of Great Britain. ,";'!
The name, la an abbreviation for consolU "1S-I
dated national debts. (gl
S. Symbols of the Kvancellstsi Matthew has a'-vS
' ,1 , t htm mnA linM. n -un. Xffa4 'if
tltn writ Inc. with lion br his nldet Lu
imn n. nsn and nrroll. nnd near htm 1ft mm
oxi John it 11 lounr man behind whom U
an eaxio
a rpt,. losxratst llhrarv tn 4h ITnlOil Rfaf.. IV
t.A ,,nrratlnnal I.JbvnrT'. In WnahhisrtAM r -Ai
ulilch rtftlvrt copies of every toQirxhU4
publication uvueu in aia counter,
7, Albion Is the poetical name of EncUnd. JS
8. Saint fleone. according to the It-rend. lW& J
maiden. t
0. The Kscurlall a rojal residence.-twentr-taia S
miles from Madrid, buui br I'hlllo lit ska rj
most splendid .bulldlncs In Europe,
10. "No nobler feeunc than this, of
ffm, nns Msrfaer than himself. 01
ill boon. tfc,rlvltTJM.UCBTlai
MSlt AT BUB. IE IS EH ! SUMU I
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