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CTRCS JI. K CURTI8, PnwiprNT ,
tm.Hrtltry n.t Trriturcr; Philips. Culllnn.
a iiiiiibiiih, iifii ri r'uirviii iriirv-fuii1!
KDITOnlAr, DOARKl
': Ctr It. K cant, Chirmn
IVID E. 8MII-EY ... . .. Kdllor
General UutlneBs Manager
M
VV. WMi.1'" ' '
;y.lilinr c. mahtn, .
W r. PwM'eb"! dallr at I'lblic Lntaui HulWlin
Ifr t. " .independence tjguarr, rtilladelphla.
l.S fe! IiBnoiw C'EMuiL,... Uroad and Chestnut .St
, '''. A-Vtio Cm Prrss-Vnton flul
llulldlcE.
reola
riullJtm
FS5 (?! IO
VOKK...
206 Metropolitan Toner
ib. i . . . . .va torn liuuuing
long. Fullrrton ItulldliiK
i:u5 Tiibune UullJlng
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NEWS BURHAUSi
UrAMDINOTON BltFAC.
rffis. "' E. Cor. t'ennijlvanla Ae and
5'-tp " Bi i The Sim
ft V fcOKpOK Uttrju. .. l,ond
14th St.
llulldlne
on Xffiies
suBscRiirriox Tnnsis
Thft E.EMMi Pluliu IEDCCn In norM to aub-
f crlhrs In l'hlltiletphia und turruundhie towns
dlo th carrier.
J alia II aw VVJIllt uuiliur Ul J. iltiuur-ll'lllvi., til
ruM
Um United Stales, ranaila nr Cnitf.l Ninths po
MBlonn, potp frM, flfly l.r0) inU pr tnonlh.
pis (6) dollar per ear, raable In ad.int
- To x all foreign couutrles one ($1) dolltr rr
oonth.
NoTicu SubaoribrfT wlahlnir ndilrep changed
ftust rte old a wed or new address.
PLt. SOW WALMT kClSTO.NF, MAIN 3000
pr Addres alt communications to Htmino Public
Xxdetrt ludtptndtvce Square, Philadelphia,
, Member of the Assorialctl Vrcst
Till: A860CU7i:n I'M W is exclu
sively entitled to the uar fat' if publication
0f aH news ftlsimtclm ricttt-! to it or wot
Otherwise ctrdlted in. this "?;, and also
tUe local netrg in hashed tturein
Atl tight at republication nf special dis
patches herein arc also rescued.
PhiUde.phJa, FriJaT, AuguU ?. 1116
THE UPROTKCTEI)
THERE can lie little doubt that the ast
tatlon for an Increased trol'ey fare In
this city will be stimulated Indirectly by
th disposition of the War Laboi Boaid to
recommend increases in street lailway
fares with n view to making wage In
creases practicable.
TJje street railways In this city hae
sufficient income for proper administra
tion, upkeep and wase.s They arc in con
fuslon because the underljing companies
eystematically bleed the P. R. T The
public cannot forge that the profits of
these subsidiaries are outrageously exor
bitant. This is a complication which the
Labor Board should examine before recom
Biendallons for increased fares will be
Acceptable to this citj
The arguments applied elsewhere in
behalf of six and eight cent trolley fares
vtm reasonable enough. The companies
Invariably "need more money." The pub
lic needs more money, too. When the
Government evolves a Board for the Con
servation of tho Interests Vf the Great
nd Unorganized General Public the aver
T9 man will feel that he. too, has some
rights and Somebody to protect them, and
bo will be able to look the future in, the
tc without supplicating for the ether
bottle, '
The ll.OOO - ton fabricated American
ship Invincible has been built In twenty-four
days Just about the time it takes a ferocious
German submarine to sneak out of Kiel, cross
the Atlantic, dodge the convoys off our coasts,
Sink a few barges and return gloriously to
port
BOLSHEVISM IN WASHINGTON
OLSHEVI6SI in a minor form appeared
the West years ago. It was called
PopulUm then. It still remains under the
, surface or many congressmen, as occa
sional erratic manifestations of the spirit
testify.
The proposed heavy taxes on motor
trucks, pleasure automobiles and gasoline,
fpr instance, reflect this sort of reaction.
There Is, a blind hitting out at anything
that smacks of money or well-being or
well-doing.
,Heavy taxes on motors and gasoline
proposed In the war resenue bill will
cumber business with a few new cares
Pleasure cars will be used lets frequently
by those who feel they cannot afford the
tax. Then there will be small revenue.
Business will be hurt and a major indus
try will suffer greatly.
But Congress will have bad the satis
faction of indulging an ancient prejudice
in view of the freo.ue.ncy of poor nlavs
'nindsV which theatre patrons suffer, the pro-
w 1&naff fceaviK- Inrrenaefl tay nn a rrmom,ntu
X .would seem to come under the head of cruel
f and unnatural punishment.
ap, .
sa.Jjt . . . . . .
fSZ ' "THE IMPA55AHLK DELAWARE
LS fpOVERNOR EDGE, of New Jersey, In
rTTU Vjl announcing that he will cam- thn
tPWvynuas'tlon of a Delaware River tunnel into
WiXhim campaign for the Senate, will bring
tO1. An Tlflnnaiiti'O t I r nrA Kai T -.
LiGHCCr l a cj - 'icr JCinc)
alike.
The project for better tr.Jfllc facilities
kAfnAn tVila rtttr nnr! P.nmilpn nnlc inat
fjf the sort of advertising that It hhould get
Tj In, ft vigorous stumping tour. On neither
endaai ine river is mere any adequate
conception of the immeasurable impor-
ttajice of a Delaware bridge or tunnel for
f't$al and vehicle traffic The benefits to
r$al estate values would ie enormou'a if
KArnA auch rtroiect were rnrrled rln-nnii
. . r, M . . .....,UC9.,
KJU. All Of south Jersey would save time and
money. And the intolerable conditions
fc mat attend terry tranic since the autono
bile became a noor man's diversion nmi
j an indispensable adjunct to business and
b tfarminfir would be eliminated
While the output of coal is worrying
Kjji.thncle 8am, it Is decidedly the -input" wltn
(Which the average houbtholder Is mo.t con-
.
MR. SCHWAR ON MUSIC
-IffltflnT.PQ AT
.-'.""""
SCHWAB is an organist
!.- .
jjjv ot consmerame atuuty and wide dis
.Vr crimination. He has an affinltv with
usic .whlcn by some mystic process
f .....
Tnakes him more" efficient in his affinity
WJUl ejeei. ine imaginative quality ap-
I ' Blied in any business or profession works
fwo'nders beyond tht power of the man who
ta without it.
, "The sound that is most beautiful," saM
' ..Mr, Schwab at Willow Grove, "is (hat of
m massed voices singing. .Next to that, per-
khaps, is the grand diapason of an organ.
ut, there is one sound I like better than
ther), Jt comes when I enter a shipyard
if a workman turns and says, 'Hello,
rdw.rlie!M
( Th 'artistic strain in Mr. Schwab ot
ily iifs deep. It has, done for him
fK" doesn't, do foiTnany of those who.
a Jt: in a pretentious way. Jt-has
-...... ' . . j i
l;ine, .b(mib 01 minu ivjtre I
7r0 .'(MSJM
TIJE LANSDOWNE LETTER
The Old Order Would Insure Its Safety Willi
the Help of the Ilcaft
rpo PUT aside Lord Lansdowne's latest
appeal o the pacifism of his time
without a perception of its inner signifi
cance would be most unwise. The letter
leveals one of tho odd dramas of the
war. It speaks for n shamed and dis
credited order. It is the voice of n man
whimpering in the whirlwind that he
helped to create and crying out against
the retributive forces of destiny.
The logic of barter and balance, com
promise and sale, fear and secrecy for
which Lord Lansdowne is the insistent
propagandist has failed appallingly since
the beginning. It has whipped mankind
through the wretchedness and misery of
all wars. It afflicted the earth with
hnticds and suspicions and ignorance.
It has piled upon the nations the mount
ing horrors of this war of wars. And
still theic ore those who look to the
ancient "system for peace nnd salvation!
For Lansdowne is not alone. His type
is familiar here as well as in Europe. It
loprescnts the men who have been left
behind, whoe ica.'on is not adequate to
a realization of the things the Allied
world is lighting for.
The ico) Id has outstripped them. It
is tint tlnnulcrivff nt the ivallt that then
nrl up, seatehiiig fnr its soul and its
freedom curf the light they denied it.
Those icho hmc been left behind are
ofraul. Then rue the old order. They
miisf change or die. And since they do
not with to do either thiy would be con
tent at thit crisis in human hitlnry to
settle the war by a compromise to lit
the wounded beast withdraw to recover
and fatten and sharpen his fatirs!
Beneath tho seeming humanity of the
Lansdowne theory of "adjustment of
aims'' lies the crudest of all philosophies,
the en or that has darkened all human
history. It i-- founded upon a disbelief
in justice and human reason and a de
pendence upon the easiest expediencies.
It is the philosophy that Lansdowne him
self helped to promulgate in the days of
his activity. Men of his sort have
always either feared or refused to sense
the inevitable consequences of such doc
trines applied in international relations.
And it is not surprising to find them now
willing to bo spared at any cost the
sight and the consciousness of the things
they have done.
It is the part of charity to view Lans
downe as one of the British newspapers
views him as a "tired, rich old man"
not quite up to the spirit of his days.
Yet it is significant that Bethmann
Hollvveg, who was Chancellor to tho
Kaiser when the war began, has arrived
in Holland with Von Kuehlmann, pre
sumably upon a peace mission at the
hour when Landovne's letter demanding
a "restatement of war aims" and criti
cizing, by inference, President Wils&n's
attitude, was issued to the press. The
Hollwegs and the Kuehlmanns, the
Kaisers and tho Lansdownes have a com
mbn method of reasoning. It is hard to
make them understand that the world is
done with them that it was tlone with
them a year ago.
You will look as vainly in the Lans
downe letter as you would look in a
pronouncement of the Kaiser's for a
word or a glimmer to show that he un
derstands the state of mind of civiliza
tion at this hour. Lansdowne still lives
in the Victorian age tho age when
diplomatists prayed and plotted and
guessed and hoped and lied owf shrank
from a future which they made intoler
able. If there is one thing in the latest
appeal of the British pacifist adequate to
rouse resentment rather than mild dis
dain it is the allusion to the indeiinite
ness of President Wilson's four peace
conditions. The President in his most
recent statement made tho issues plain.
He declared against secret diplomacy
and the .habit of fuitive bargaining by
nations. He demanded justice for na
tions, irrespective of their size; he asked
that the interests of the people be con
sidered above the ambitions of dynasties,
and he sought to provide the 1 ule of rea
son and justice in cases where force has
ordinarily forced decisions.
The Geiman Government, on the other
hand, has made no declaration. It still
brag-s of coming destruction and the
bloody sword. The difference in atti
tude is plain. The aims of humanity are
plain. Germany can accept them or
perish.
If wars are ever averted faith, jus
tice, wisdom and imagination will avert
them. Euripides knew this more than
two thousand years ago All observers
of war have always known it. Every
body l.ncw it but the diplomatists who
drove the world to ruin and still refuse
in the midst of the cataclysm to admit
that they were wrong. But the minds of
men like Lansdowne and Wilhelm of
Germany and innumerable orhers have
citadels in the past. When those cita
,dels are destroyed the world will be safe.
England has given no better proof of
her stoicism than the peace and liberty
which she accords men like Lansdowne.
It seems altogether natural that the
Kaisei s troops, meeting our new soldiers
should have got a "raw" deal.
GIUSEPPE THE GUIDE
THE "Tonys," I'asquales and Gluteppes
who are returning to their native land
or that of" their fathers In American army
contingents which have reached Italy are
capable of performing valuable services
for Allied unity. Happily bilingual, they
can not only converse with their co
workers, but solve many, perplexing prob
lems for the solely English-speaking
"doughboy." Immediate solution of the
sort of riddles which have baffled many
of pur soldiers in .France is thus at hand.
Piloted hv rnmnanlims In arms whn
rI . 1 ' 3
rattle off opera ,
opera litreturitaltC with cons-
TOFj.fWf'
' :'"' f,
EVENING PUBLIC LEDGER PHILADELPHIA, FRIDAY, AUGUST 2,
learn that an article marked "soldo" has
not been sold, but is purchasable at tho
modest equivalent of one American cent;
that n "chle.sa" is not a cheese, as Mark
Twain confessed to believing It, but a
church, and that "caffe caldo" Is not dis
tressing cold coffee, but tho welcomo hot
variety. Thus cleared of complications,
foreign air can bo congenially breathed
and pangs of homesickness perceptibly
lelleved.
Half of our tioops.now In Italy are said
to be of Italian birth or origin. Their
Americanism of spirit is not In the least
impugned by this fact, while their use
fulness In bringing two liberty-loving na
tions closer together Is greatly enhanced,
A stranger In a strange l.tnd will exchange
a dictionary for n pal who Is also nn en
thusiastic interpreter any day In the
week. ,
The new Liberty Loan campaign will
begin on September 28. Months with an R
are good for bonds as well as osters.
,LEAVi: THE HUN NO STAKES IN THE
EAST
AS n means of relieving piessure in the
west, the value ot teconstrtictlng the
Russian front has long since been m
obv lous that delay has been dictated
chiefly in order to let eninuragliig events
shape thcnr-elvcs and to profit b them
with clean hands. The latest swift develop
ments, lestilting In the assassination of
Von Mlrbnch and Von i'lehhmn. the af
fronts to the Allied ambassadors clearly
Indicative of a loner's frenzy oh tho part
of the tottering Bolshevik!, nnd the unique
triumphs of the Czecho-Slowtk troops, sug
gest that Russia may soon be the scene
of nn Important war move.
With our faces cloe to the campaign
map anv diversion of German legions from
tho west has tho charm of good tactics.
But opposing the Hun In Russia through
the forces now arising there against them
nmi their confederates of the Btest
Litovsl: outrage can be viewed from an
even larger aspect.
The words of General Sir Fierierlck B.jJ
.Maurice, as recorded in a special cable to
tho EvENiKd I'fin.ic I.ni'onu, ring too
clcarlv with sincerity and co.lviction to
be regarded simply as npologj for English
expcdltionaiy operations far from the
I'ranco-Flemish lines. With comprehensive
vision ho foreshadow s tint her Gel man re
tieats in the west, the oci upation of stiong
sttategle positions there, the avoidance of
Kittles and nn attempt at lomlmitlon In
the eatt, Including control ot Tin key and
I'eiMd, to be used as a Von Hertling pawn
for the release of Belgium and the rest of
Fiance
Such bargaining, assuming that Ger
many's eastern schemes are unclouded,
would make the Hun a colossus, despite
losses in the mafn theatre of the war.
"If Germanv," declares General Maurice,
"is really to be defeated and cease to be
a menace to the peace of the world in the
future, she should not be allowed what
she h.is In the east as a means of extend
ing her powet In that direction"
Such an event, tberefoie, as the capture
of Yekaterinburg, far off In tho Urals, by
the Czechn-Slovaks is not meielv welcome
as a move on the "new front," but ns one
link In a possible chain of circumstances
which, wisely developed, will pi event Ger
man retention of military power In a field
from which she could still threaten world
peace.
Russian business men are reported as
characterizing the Bolshevik! uile as 'crazy
tjranny" The first adjective is superfious
No tjranny can be sane
THE SWEETS OF ''PUNISHMENT"
rpiIE vuilous penalties imposed on ever-
lojal I.iege for having celebiated the
second victory of the Maine aie doubtless
being paid In a spliit of both pride nnd joy.
Four j ears ago this week tho heroic
Flemish city tlullled all civilization vvi'h
its biilllant though vain lesKtance of the
first llun onslaughts Since Von Ihnmleh
and his gioat Krupp puns smashed the
ting of forts and valiant General I.eman
was captured l.lege has been ruled r.i
German territory, its role that of a
shackled spectator.
Through the tine now exacted of It by
bai barons conquerors the city In a sense
again takes part In the conflict. Foch
wns a great battle. I.ioge lejolces nnd
helps pay for It. Sutely there aie I.legeols
who believe It worth the price and the
sting of Hun punishment must thereby
be greatly alleviated.
Curfew at 7 Is the other angry German
order arising from the victory fete, .and
conceivably it should scarcelj- embody a
shadow of offense Bed can be a pleasant
place with the new sweet dreams now ns
suied thiough the Allies' leturn to tri
umph. Even Teuton punishments are
losing their force.
' Well, Mr. Bones, I
e that the Germans
will have to abandon
air fighting on the
Viliu Threw Tlint
Kbb?
western front."
"Why so, Mr. Tambo?'
"Because the Americans h.ivr made plane
sailing impossible for themif
Coal miners have
(lulte Itlclit, Tho! abandoned picnics and
other pleasure excur
sions to aid the war, but those Congressmen
who are so blithely touring the Western front
evidently feel that a cessation of' their
Junkets would have no appreciable effect in
helping niatteis.
The Kaiser's own particular "gott"
seems to have gone back on him In everj
way. Following the recent American vic
tories, the famous "hunger stone," which
superstitious Germans regard as an omen of
famine, has appealed in the Kibe Hiver.
This Is, literally, asking for bread and being
given a stone.
Even Mr. Hoover, who has Just arrived
ln Paris, may acquire some valuable tips In
that city long the headquarters not only
of the best food, but of the most ingenious
and effective table economies.
Solssons In French also means beans. 'If
this fact1 Is generally realized by the con
sumers of our army fare abroad, their desire
to advance In that direction may be sadly
modified.
The; news that Britain's war bill is
1:6,080 par minute need not stagger us at all
, If p,reflcoa,whsV suttoiitkiB to Oenaaay
fJEZSffEJ if ' lju ".,?!' tt11
THE CHAFFING DISH
Hoonville Again
Tltn other dan wo printed a humble
tiibutc to Hoonville, Mo., homo of the
coineob pipe. At least one old lloonvlUe
cltlicn lives In Philadelphia, as the follow
tug letter slioics:
Dcnr Socrnles Speaking of corncob
plpe: and old Boonvillc on the banks of
the mighty Missouri revives memories of
long ngo, entwined with turbulent glories
nnd tender romances which hover about
the vine clad hills of this now peaceful
city, named ' to honor Intrepid Daniel
Boone, who tarried there in his wander
ings. Time was when Boonville represented
tho Ultima Thulo nnd last stop In civiliza
tion for the voyager toward tho Great
West. For years common sights were
ghostly tialns of canvas-decked prairie
schooners, which, wending their wnj-s from
drstant States westward, met there and
crossed the liver by ferry at Boonville,
and onwatd to seek new homes In the lim
itless and little known tcriitorles beyond.
At Boonville was written that laconic
story of tjie now country In three lines
on tho side of a typical mover wagon.
On the trip out appeared:
In God We Trust
Kansas or bust
On the icturn trip was added:
Busted, by God!
And at Boonville among the bluffs over
looking the tieacherous waters of the
Big Muddy Is found the original "Lovers'
Lea)" rock from which tho despairing
pair chose to end Itll In the sandy depths
below. Not far from that tragic .spot is
the field where flowed the first blood of
battle in the Uvil Wnr.
OLD BOONVILLIAN.
The Ameilcan troops have lecently rnp
ttued the emplacement of one of the bis
guns that bombarded Paris babies They
lepoit that tho cannon revolved on ball
bearings ten inches in diameter. Ptrhaps
befoie many yeats have passed some ot
the men behind the gun will revolve on
an island ten miles in diameter.
A Stipgc'tion to Senators
Any one who likes plenty of words in
bis leading m.iltei will find the Congres
sional Record an unfailing tonic
In case Washington should ever be af
flicted with a shortage of. syllables nnd
parts of speech, we would like to suggest
to Mr. Sherman, Senator from Illinois a
little trick of condensation:
What He Said
The giatlfjlng as
siuance from my col
league falls upon mv
.sensibilities lKe a
blessed benediction'
and I am profoundly
Kiateful to have tlm't
lellevlng Information
I know the Senator l
Informed nnd is sin
cere He manj times
tpeaks prudentlv and
withauthoilty I have,
however, lead In quo.
tatlon marks from a
souico that Is accessl.
hie to the general pub
lie and which has not
jet been repudiated,
disavowed, mollified or
denied that the condi
tions which I have
just criticized do exist.
If, however, this in
formation is erroneous
and the conditions aie
such ns the Serntor
suggests. It onlv Indi
cates a happier state
of affairs which I
(-hull hail wlih tin
hounded satisfaction.
I shall never he dis
satisfied, Mr Presi
dent, because fears of
mine are not realized.
I shall join with my
fellow citizens In re
joicing if thoe feam
shall upon further In
qulrj be found "ground
less What He Meant
I am glad to hear it.
The Nickname
Mr. A. Edward Newton, whose friends
lefer to him affectionately as Daylesford's
leading essayist, tells a good slorj' about
gargojles. It fceema thnt some travelers,
were admiring a beautiful Gothic building
In the presence of the Janitor and. alluded
to the gargoyles.
"What," said the Janitor, "them rain
spouts? Do j'on call 'em gargoyles, too?"
"Whj-, jes," said the visitors.
"Well, ain't that queer! There was a
fellow here a year ago and be. called 'em ,
gaigojles. The' name must have stuck
to 'cm."
George Glbbs Is the author of "The se
cret Witness," which recently lan in this
paper, and we ought to have a grudge
against him because manj- people weie so
thrilled by his story that they forgot to
read The Chaffing Dish. As j-ou know,
theie I great Jealousy among literary
artists.
But anyvvaj", what we are leading up to
Is this. Mr, Glbbs sa'ys the motto of the
fuel administration Is
You rln't fuel all the people all (lie JlmV.
Qui Vive, in Kiev
Ukraine is seething with anti-German
sentiment, say the dispatches, And the
murder of Eichhorn at Kiev seems to
show that Kiev Is on the qui vlve.
Proverbs Resoled
Among the Bolsheviks, factions speak
louder than words.
Grass
Green, tender and moist, the grass is
forever .sleeping, lying snugly on its
mother's breast.
And when at last It opens Its flowery
eyes, we see them twinkling with pansies,
honej suckles and violets.
These are the gifts of Mother Earth to
her chosen child.
Oh, Mother Earth, how much more you
love the grass than me!
BERNARD BRODIE.
Ki.hu ah will build the ships or eat his hat.
Headline.
And the German papers will say: Ter
rible food shortage (n America! American
auocrats compelled by hunger to eat
straw hats as breakfast food.
Even patient. China is complaining of
the rise in prices caused by the war. In
otherwordaT'
s "Wei"-
. rssspsf.jpr "'!
fetVr " aAW-VZMBtAal MMM. a I
tjTrc i
A1"
AY, AUGUST 2,
-. "SHOO, HINSECT!" . .,.... . .-?3
- - ---tejMs :
HHpr lw $ 1
'm r nab i JGdfcrNw U I'll
Wm life- $WX- rfWvk$J ' ffiim
JHial3StiMWfcr-,J ViT.JBl'.jJg7y-u-l'w",'t'7WWBBagMy .!TaKaaaaaaaMaaa!aaagrH vjf,. I
Sy WiWBBff JSP
xiiam ...
y?m,
y&3&$5&M
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iMeaRseiiKg ir wimmer, mssmmmissmmm1
HUMORISTS AT FORTY
By Christopher Alorlcy
fTIHE gods are afraid of humorists. Either
- by htamation, or bj- too inpld success,
or bj' laughing In the wrong place, or by
sending people to call nn them when they
aie wo! king, the canny gods tr- to choke
them off. They have a thong in pickle
for those who keep on charting the uni
verse. They prefer tjiat a man should sub
side Into a tender melancholy by the time
he Is eighteen.
THIS is a pi elude to the announcement
that one of America's best humorists
has safely reached the nge of foit On
July 20. when the event occurred, all
America (except peihaps the humorist him
self) might have been seen exclaiming,
"Huirah! Now we are safe!" For it Is a
great thing for a nation to be able to add
to its roster another genuine humorist
who has successfully joined the choir de
rlsihle, who has 1 cached the nge of secure
Indiscretion.
OUR new forty-jearold Is Dor) Marquis,
New York's gravest Irresponsible. The
gods tried to leash and scabbard his flash
ing rapier mind with 226 pounds of corpus
commuter. In vain! On the long and
tragic slope of the fourth decade, strewn
with the blunted nnd discarded weapons
of vanquished wits, Don has grimly nour
ished his native genlalltj'. Now lie has
got the quip band of these hangdog deities
that discipline us all. Slav he deal them
many and many a gleeful belting!
THERE If a severe death rate In senses
of humor. TIip world brings heavy pies
sure to bear on those who try to poke fun
at It. Ellis Pniker Butler, for Instance,
very vvlselv bce.ime director of a bank,
the most humorous thing ho has ever done.
John Kcndilck Bangs, George Ade, V. P.
Dunne, all gave up the uneven stiuggle.
Ezra Pound, one ot the most promising
humorists who ever graced the Philadel
phia soviets, could only continue his mirth
by going to England to live In the cubist
quarters of London. He wns quite right,
for the piofesslonal vers llbrlsts are the
most laughable of nil. Walt Mason, Ken
Beaton, Tom Masson, Stephen Leacock
and Wallace Irwin, Irvin Cobb and Frank
O'Malley, nnd those two adorable cartoon
ists. Darling and Brlggs, have all got safely
over the deadline of fortj But some of
them (let us not particularize) are running
a bit thin. Simeon Strunsky has still a
year to go; and F. P. A., already a little
embittered., Is three years shy of fortj-,
Mencken has two years to run: In spite
of hay fever, his spirits are still amaz
ingly high.
IT IS no discredit to any man If he
ceases to be a humorist before fortj'.
Contrary to tho popular superstition, It Is
not In youth that the spirits run highest.
Most men get a pretty severe cudgeling
by the time they ascend that peak. After
that they begin to see life in its more en
tertaining aspects. The world likes youth
to suffer pangs, to taste the sour and learn
tp patch Its trousers by candle light. It
rewards the grave and docile with rich
emoluments, a villa well plumbed and
spare tires. The man who finds the cook's
contours too ' Irresistibly mlrth-provoklng
will get the butt of a rolling pin for
dinner.
THE true humorist, however, needs no
audience: therein lies his safety. He
can go on laughing at himself and sur
vive.- Humor ts ind4 a., klndpf '(your
p'eAaBsuaia
ivfnm
, .-? -- --
t:.7. ,.&,
1918
1918 v ?
the howitzers of Fortune. It Is a protec
tive discoloration that conceals the de
fenseless and sensitive soul. Often It Is
the man who Is supporting a dozen
drunken cnusiiiR who laughs hmdent at
the prohibition fanatics. It does not pay,
In this perverse world, to let the gods
have an Inkling of jour Inner secrets.
The man who sings "Swing low, sweet
chariot" too melodiously will be obliterated
by a motortruck nt the corner of Broad
and Chestnut.
"OUT after a man is foity the gods will
-tJ stop pestering him. If be Is sllll smil
ing, what of It? They can afford to bide
their time. And by then he can usually
take a minute off to see the comic side of
tilings. He Is probably able to pay his
coal bill, so be can afford to see the subtle
comedy In not being nlde to pay It. There
Is no question about life being a Joke, if
you can only slay with it long enough.
TTUMOR at any late the kind of humor
-. that viln ntes In the neighborhood of
Don Marquis Is largely the dangerous
ability to see things straight. A straight
line, speeding lapldly between two points.
Is one of the tnopt humorous things In
thewoiid. Why? For the plain reaon
that most of us w.lmble and oscillate so
tediously In curves nnd zigzags, a man
who' ran do a daj's work in three houis
Is a scream. That Is why so many rieople
w(ll stand around and hinder him. Even
his employer won't like It. It seems an
Indignity to toll.
T)Y THE time a man Is forty he will
-L either be a humorist or the eauso of
humor In others. It doesn't leallv matter
which, sd long as the world's stock of
cheer is bettered. But even after forty
no one need despair. Think of Ludendorff,
so rapidly taking old Hlndenburg's place
ns n champion Jester. After the recent
vAUIed drive In the Marne seclor. what was
his merry quip? "Certain replacements
and strategical regroupings have taken
place." Ludicrous Ludy!
Once the gentle art of "muckraking" was
the most profitable hiancjr nf journalistic
enterprise Hut even a clumsy wlelder of
the whitewash brush today may get a reward
that Is princely In comparison, f George
Sylvester VIereck may be considered n cri
terion. Hut the whitewash may be more
odorous than all the muck.
Mr. Koopoth. the correspondent of this
newspaper In Switzerland, believes that we
have !olled Austria-Hungary by being too
nice to her. Well, the error will not occur
again. The little Huns are as dangerous
as the big Huns, the only difference being
that they have nicer manners.
With their eye on the "Yellow Peril" for
so many years, the Germans entirely neg
lected the Red one, which proved so potent
when some ketn-ejed native American scouts
on the western front got busy,
Uncle Sam Is to be asked to bear half
the cost of the proposed Camden bridge.
Which half, we wonder? r
Hlndenburg promises a blow against tht
British. We don't doubt it. Promises have
become his long suit.
Lord Lansdowne spirits and the last
syllable of his nam seem" to be In rore-
ncnaiuio usen-iiiciiw ,
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THE TERROR
T7IROM Aslago to Cambrai,
Fiom Vllna to the Aisne, ,
Each night the ghosts of soldiers say,
"Don't let us die In vain." - 'y
That they should come so far Is strange,
Since death lays men so still,
But who can saj' where dead meti rarlga
Or how they have their .will?
So thiough the night their tramp I hear,
Briton and Frank and Russ; ,
And thiough the night the thing they fear
They whisper deep" In us.
How shall we find a wnj' to heal
Tire "ten or of the slain,
To seek them out, and make them feel
They have not died In-vain?
Haniel I.ong, in Poetry.
Overruling Court Custom
Thete will be wide interest in a recent
decision of rlic Illinois Supreme Court deal
ing with the discretionary power so generally
exercised by prosecuting officers. Some
months ago nearly 500 Chicago saloonkeep-,
ers, charged with violation of the Sunday
closing law, were called before Judge New
tnmer. The State's attorney moved to non
pros the eases and the judge refused to al- 4
low this, unless the evidence were first heard, d
holding that the prosecuting officer had no
i 11
Ml
HuiMiiiiiy in iiA.H,tt t.i innin ivivilVfUL mo
couiVs consent. The Stale's attorney tncK
the matter to the Bupteme Court In the form1
of a wilt to compel judge Newcomer to erttsr
the older to nol-pros. The judge prepared ap,, J
answer to this appeal, and the Supreme Court"
upheld him. Courts have power over prose-i.
cutlng officers, and the layman wonders how
the official Involved could have looked for v
any other ruling than the one that was given. ,.
Surelj- It must be by consent of the court 'f
that cases brought before It are disposed 'of. -r
uiliilll on- rriiiuiro .i oaec-uiur. ill exercia
u (it-Kirf in juuii;mi Huiii.ii ny, mil mm uoea. ,a
not in the least constitute a right Sprlng
field Republican. (
1 til f. ,r. int.
.It ll'l II1C A.I1IC3 .'
This country Is .going to have a bumper
wheat crop, and very little of It Is going Into' ,
pretzels. Chicago, News,
Senatorial Approval
The Senators nre In svmnathv with that-fr
"work or fight" rulei sometimes they work
cii u uiit-uer iiiry iikiii .uiiivtiiiKre Leaiier. .
n. p ... iM
V..v. .a.... ..a. jjrjrj
"Shortage In bathing suits!" Is a news item . ii-i
which does not sound like news. NaahvJUa,1""?si!
....- JnM.i, j r- vn
-. .;
What Do liou Know?
QUIZ
I, llbi la chief af tba flerman general stafff
i.
z, who was ".nzu""7
3, Who U .Vlnjor General Omar llundrT
4. Nam the author at "Kins Uoloman'al
Mla."
fi. Where la Clialonk? . f.W
6. What are the capital and larctst cltr Of ?A
iiearmar ,(,
S. What It the budtrt" ayitem; ...Z-ZX
0. Who In the I'nlted Statu oil administrator? XtpA
in. ll'ha Kit til . ' Aa.rwiln.rl.B-ai nntv iii.vnnr fas what "-JrSi
tlirr do not nltarM? t . Z
v
Answers, to xeiterilay s uuii t . j
, r.lder MMenment n lerm animea te in ,aaaa fTi,
m IuihI ai a a. an f Janan . , aiWrf1 1
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s, runner isnirriiinflii j-runriK ,iur.oii . turrvt,!
rlwin, of ffw orlc. I tin tlartrnor 6aJ W
erai oi nv i nuininiir i.i,nun, v
a) l..nlAan.A la tw,.h III. rAnltdl nnrf ammmh "-
ritr af Rhode l.lunil. ).
4. ",MAlfrie or imoiiiiio, ine nr.c or tna aaa
.atlanal arhool of hnalUh Action, br Mra.
jinn niunuiv tiiviio.i, ..
a.iivari-voa iic.n erica,. r. vaancairarras
Klrrmanr and newly dealtnated as Ansa
aador to Knaala, -
0. fort Uupont la In, Dtlanare, on tba
and auoault Fart ISflaware. $(,
0tv;U
A, Zabriiklr. at New York. a''
Ntatea attsar admlnlatrataa.
I, Llbaria la sruusll. ta Afrtaa ; faaaijtl I
latiH"! iiii t ww, wvwaaiai
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