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EHm MAY 17, 1018-
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BKS
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Ky
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GEK COMPANY
. '! t.J'. ...u.V W T1.1
ff ' T.ud.ntrl'fttV Vlea IrtKldntf JnhA C.
rcturv and Tfeaiurer: PMlln B Colllm.
Villi ms, John J. Bourdon. Director.
b
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.JV22'
EDlTOHUIi BOAItDi
Crura II. IC Com, Chairman
B, BMILET
.Editor
f b. JIAIITIN.... General Business Manager
hed dally at rcsuo I.r.rotn 'tullJlni.
Jndepentlenco Square, Philadelphia,
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IW.'Klt ,UiCIU LWailllICO Vliu W wvi.a, " .
iJJK&Ticl Subscribers wishing: address chanced
.pratl ffirs Ola, as wen as new aaaress.
..VtaMJt. m. wit wrw vrvcrnwr 1IIIV ,nAA
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:.ij.ifrs all fomtnunfeatfons to Evcntna Pxibllo
CTjWoVer, In&tstndtnce S Quart, Philadelphia.
KSSwVf"" SECOSD CUSS MAIL MlTTrn.
f..ii1.-s- -. - Btt.rinwit.nfit.rtai nrrtrr in
PhiUdrlphla, Fild.y, Mij 17, 1918
YOUR MONFA" OR YOUR JOR!
HE better, sweeter and holler Governor
hci'iHt Harrisburg Is extending his better.
Mr
P.,? nnrl hnller frontiers In a manner
hi'.'iF . "...
iijgtiqckingly suggestive or Lithuania, in
omen nays tne uaniers in state jous ui me
iSi04pltol wero seldom rounded mi for po-
1 Xjltlcat contributions before prlmury elec
i&uonsf. It never has been usual. Hut the
;Jfl6ilrs In the Governor's own departments
fc0li lhe Hill have been dazed by orders to
l$.on tribute to J. Denny O'Nell's campaign
E Ttuki.
Ey.'J'There are various ways of spreading
p4Fweetnes3 and light. Mr. Brumbaugh has
EK ?fttithis Instance manifested an astunlshlnc
K?jL'tpcfc of foreslRht. He .should pause to
", ','meaiiaie on tne uniioiy tilings leriain to
tV V ' ... ... .... i.
jrjensun in tne vocaDuiaries oi ins iiumuie
if, associates. It must be remarked that If
Mr. O'Nell cannot win by fairer methods
L 'V . . . . . . . . .
BV' " .ne mignt at least stay out or tne puiiuis.
As Mr. Taft bays, the best Ir.icun tn en
force peace Is an American army of .1.111111. 000
'BJcnl
feM'THE GOVERNMENT'S WORKERS
ptrnJSINESS and the proresse.s of ci.tn-IS,T---'-"merce.
maintained steadllv in a state
. ,
JT0f efficiency and (rood cheer, are eoaoutial
K'sppcessltles to American success in the wai.
rtweirltS w imperative, tneretore, mat every pos-
Vioe means oe aoopieti 10 proiet-i nuaini'M
against unnecessary confusion in a time
tri'wnn extraordinary jemanas aie nciiiK
K'jKtJmado upon It. The Government itself is
Ijgsfcaware of this. President Wilson has de-
MUtxeA the belief time after time. And it
rfewHJ he well, therefore, if the Kederal De-
Vpartment of I-abor. In the plans announced
,eirf VfcB W H,C 1'WWtlllfS "1 nl luil'lll"
WTMnolntL taVtrtt e tiv.tl.l ti'iatrtfnl nnm.int 1 1 lnn
'i.tfc...fc' WW .W .. . U... ..U..I.t V ....,.S ..L.U....
2btWeen divisions a
gyafua and munitions
nil departments, ship-
'yrus ana munitions lactones ami me line,
hl?,a.Atl n llttln tlimml.t In llm Iit.m ..P
kSS-V&V"' ,J",L '"uhi" " " l""itiiin i
Bthe plain business man.
tJgXyvorkers have a right to whatever inch
f'-WaeeB .they can obtain. Hut the raids that
nave been made upon private busine-s by
(tome ol the Government departments have
)een unwise In more ways than one. W'orK-
&, '.OTS are tempted from permanent places
fV An. i;iiiijiuyjiieiii inure 111 less iransnor.v.
ti'j -'And disorder Is created at the source unon
RS Which the country must depend for the
,isentlal sinews of war.
K
EtiVf The Yale Record says that Benjamin
fewSBlsraeU's middle Initial was v. and then
A'j:.Klt!lthl, (hrtp InltfalM tnirnll.i.,. rr ,hu .......
iows of a very ancient Jest. The only trouble,
M tlltS1 rtAtt haH r... tnlrt.lta .....n.
K.VW.L iLACKlNC BALL PLAYERS
iTJlt'SEWHEnK on this page is the letter
KZCirJ7 reauer vvriuen 10 comjiiain 01 ine
publicity given the case of a professional
pfjbU player who sought to avoid military
v-Mc? ' cecom,nB u shipbuilder ovei
ljVeht, In answer It may be said merelv
EtVlf 'tttktl.'a rtf IllBI unrt tlll n .tlnll. .. .....
eM-flVs tho last sort of information that
P$sh0ukl be spared the public. If a leader
lfc?IIrilkea to read it. the slacker in the
lt5UMtJpn must have experienced a sensa-
X. on 01 actual pain. And that, of course,
its 'What slackers deserve.
t-AErovost Marshal General Ciowder has
prqered a round-up of professional base-
.y"J9 piayers wno nave been trjing to avoid
Kairvlce. He obtained his llrat Information
BPltlVa to the matter from newspapers.
'JfjA. clump of professional ball losserj was
ErCovercd yesterday In a Wilmington hhlp-
ETBrfi wnere tney had themselves hired a
k -fev: days a co. Of lM.stnmv. m. iiiu it i
?yMi it ....
K; ntwmityh tn eat. tlint ...l.il.. .. .....
.iv, P k,v ttiiiiu uif Kicuiesi
sjoriinsr aaveniure in the world s history
fc'qfobt it has remained for ball plajcrs
&rjM?mselves. to prove that professional base
".fc&irjsn't a sport.
pS.- .
BVjASxt '"' I"netlburg please confirm or deny
JUTBrja or nis aeainr it )s unfair to keep
tn suspense.
KA.
THE DOOR TO PEACE
lUtt A. J, Balfour, British Koreign
ur'etary. Bald In the House of Com-
Mterday that the Allies were ready
pt proposals of peace, honorably
there was nothing Jn hs word's
IT. any expectation of such offers
iiseestlon of a change for the exlst-
program.
jJtelfoyr' probably meant I1I3 words
jRna. wnere recently it has been the
the hard-driven people to listen
ently for the voices of their enemy
If the voices of their' friends.
or rather the restless and suf.
longlomeration of people and races
wposo the empire, have begun to
m beyond Qermany for help and
h President Wilson's Dronounrnmmirx
lia'wipd to slva them a sense of tho
j rfaltfrbjjt. their position. And Mr. Balfour
i Wc ucvu Aiiv uiuiutiiy IlieillOUl
lacy- in the phrase which Involved
inuea inaicimen. or Germany.
6akH 'of "honorable" proposals
eyelid And honor and justice
atne one; lookj' xor at tha
Cli?:ilJ)ojat? jifocodure
CAN WAn BE PREVENTED?
If Reason Cannot Do Sul-stitutetl for Force
the White Race Will He Obliterated
TF WAR cannot be prevented, if reason
find logic and intellectual co-opcrn-tion
between nations ennnot bo di
rected to prevent a repetition of cntn
clysms like tho present one, then tho
white iT.cc is tlestincd for early exter
mination. Science is young. Give it
fift) years more under the direction of
militarism and it will do to nations what
it has been doing to the cities of France.
It will lift some solitary, Raping mud
man to crazy eminence ns a ruler of the
world. Nations of white men will bo
obliterated in tho successive struggles.
Some such consciousness ns this is re
flected in tho discussions of Mr. Taft,
Charles E. Hughes, Charles W. Eliot,
and the others who appeared here
yesterday at a conference of scholars to
consider war and our own war aims.
Without exception they urged n continu
ance of the conflict at any cost until Ger
many is beaten. And this determination
is inevitable, since Germany must be
beaten before the mind of mankind can
breathe or think again before the
saving logic of mankind can ever have a
free field in which to operate.
The conference of scholars in this city,
at hich Mr. Taft presided, is supple
mentary lo the idea of a League to
Enforce Peace. The League to Enforce
Pence has subtle purposes aside from
thos- suggested in its designation. It is,
in effect, an appeal to reason.
If tho causes of tho present war could
be analyzed down to a single sentence it
might be said simply that mnn'.i wisdom
has lagged far behind his practical in
genuity. Man has tin! yet termed how
properly In direct the stupendous force
1) hi.i oien rrcalmit. He hnx put his
devices tn uses of perversion. Ills inven
tions have torn loose frnin his control and
humanity is being dragged through blnnd
and darkness at the heels uf monstrous
ilcviccs of science and philosophy which
it cannot even name. The spirit of Ger
many in this hour is that of a newly rich
vulgariin, obsessed with possessions, not
knowing what to do with them, dazed
with vanity, profoundly and murderously
drunk and rolling in a street of the uni
verse. The world is trying to get it
under control. But temporary arrest
and confinement will not be enough.
Some system of philosophy not yet
definitely evolved, the exploration of the
hidden depths of race aspirations and
purpose and altogether new ideals of con
tentment will be necessary to permanent
peace. Such factors are considered
dimly in the program of the league which
Mr. Tatt is urging. Yet the project has
11 more immediate value. Should Ger
many win this war a possibility for
argument's sake, but not more a league
with the membership even now proposed
would be essential to give America, Eng
land, France and Italy a fighting chance
for their lives. When Gi rmany loses,
ns she must, the League to Enforce
Peace may find its basic ideals far
easier of realization.
In this connection it will profit
America at this moment to analyze the
German situation rather than denounce
it. Germany has not lot. Precarious
as her present position seems, Germany
has been gradually setting up the founda
tions of a vast new empire to the cast in
conquered territory that gives her grain,
metals, oil and coal in limitless quanti
ties as well as millions of men destined,
perhaps, lo be forced into future armies
for world conquest.
The bleak madness of such a policy,
the unbelievable and stupid cynicism
of a plan which sets up four new
German kings men with small skulls
and gorgeous uniforms over the ruins
of plundered and broken nationalities is
worth attention. Such a policy indicates
faintly what the future aspect of the
world might be. The menace is to the
race itself, since Britain and America,
France and Italy could not surrender
until their men were exterminated.
Can it bo supposed, therefore, that
while there is yet time the Thing shall
not he fought, though it requires twenty
million soldiers and twenty years of
war? Happily, this is the resolve of
America and her allies.
Meanwhile, it is but reasonable to pre
pare for the inevitable German defeat.
Even with Germany humbled, the world
must not fall back again to a reliance
upon force and fear rather than upon
the far more potent means of reason,
logic and mutual interpretation between
nations. This essentially is what the
League to Enforce Peace has already
recognize!. The international tribunals,
the fleets, the co-operating power of tho
participant nations have been suggested
chiefly as the protective force for the
larger purposes of education and com
mon justice.
It has been snid that the problems of
China and other eastern peoples cannot
be reconciled in the general plan. It is
said the Orient will yet rise and become
warlike.
China grew wise centuries ugo and out
lived war. War and the forces that
make war arc detested and loathed in
every eastern philosophy. The greater
part of the East will not rise unless edu
cated and forced to war by aggression
from the outside.
Kvcry garbage pall can suppoit a flock
of thickens. Try It, suburbanites.
THE KAISER'S FOUR OF A KIND
THG world waits In painful suspense to
learn whether It was five kings or only
four that the Kaiser appointed for those
new Baltic principalities that are said to
be so yearning for blue-blooded Prussian
face-cards,
Js the. Kaiser a ,poker player? Four
kings Is reputed to be a middling good
hand, bilt even the. Kajser must know that
five kings Is too many for one pack. Can
be fpur- kings and a jokert And the un
worthy; rticn m(o-Ui, Identity of thesa
'SPwT'wilBSsi)' " "f.
4l
the Damned has had difficulty In porsuad
Ins his noble kinsmen to accept these paste
board crowni). PoWtbly they realize that
It may be easier' to nominate kings than
to keep them comfortably seated. Kar
better In these days to bo among the
humble pips, say a two-spot. Who wants
to bo king of Livonia (or is it Lithuania)?
We do not. The king business is too deadly
uncertain.
l'he-cent fare or slx-ccnt unfair?
Well, wc have seen them, and the) look
more devilish than blue.
Iluisia has abolished tho Institution of
marriage. And the mother-ln-lavv alpo?
Tho !'alfr didn't stay long In llerlln.
furious how distrustful ho sopms of his lninl
civilian population.
Hut Ilusnla will probably find that mar
rage will continue, even though it is rcnnmed
the piinfederatpil domestic soviet.
Admitting that the
urelj t K'nlser Is a bald boiled
Oh,
rgg anil with the ad
vent nf the Kienoh "ISIuo Hovlls" fresh In
mind 10 suggest what the ifft of them are
doing In Krance and with Auitrla pressing
on one side and the Allies pressing on the
other, would II be permissible to remark that
the Kaiser is In 11 ilevlled-t gg sandwich?
THE MULBERRY nUSII
Ouv rorciim Correspondence
The best foie.gn currc-pondent The Mill
berr.v Bush has is William Mcl-'ee. the
author of "I'asuals of tin- Sea" anil "Aliens"
and now nil engineer lieutenant o" II. M. f
I'lty of Ofoid. mi active wn Ice some
where cast nf MiTCitor's Projection Havs
the llciilon.ini:
"A el-cole lad.v . whom .von will
.-ume day meet In .1 stor.v . nine told me 1
half a gieal deal or 'hauteur' What she
meant was I had the typical Kiislislinian's
HtandnMUhnesM sticking out all over me
like a hedgehogs splties. True. I can't
help that. Bui how I wish 1 could explain
lo sti angers linvv genial, Iiovv humble, hovv
conciliatory I am inside: What flicnd
shlps I have missed, what love affairs, sim
pli because of that damnable 'hauteur'!
The fart Is. that although one or two gen
eiallons have passed sun e mv people were
Irish, and allliough we have been riossrd
with a few biaid Scots and narrow ICiil1
lish. the bad old Irish blood is coursing
Mill. I feel this most when boiling with
i.ige over "limp siievance in choking with
venomous thoughts about others, because
I can see the joke I can see the folly nf
mv anger at the time, 111l I ran see the
joke when mj pen option of the Joke Is
taken seriouslj bv others and they ask
what I am giousing about, anyway
I am having a week-end away from Ibe
ship, which is at --. that well-known
base on iho Caspian. I am living (at famine
priicsi in ,-, hotel mid wandering about the
liinn of Hub-el-Bubb-el, wheie.as.vou have
lead, the Algerian Devs aie continually
chasing tbeAiabiaii Nights and, I may add.
the fleas are thionglng In Huongs. You
wouldn't believe hovv these spring-heeled
little demons distuib one's philosophy I
have bilfed two since Marling this letter.
WILLIAM McFKi:
The I'.infedeiati'd Landladies nf North
Ameilca have fallen In line They have
decided to rename their association the
League to Enforce ITunc-.
Genial Bill
"The 1 lei man people must hp.u patiently
the hardships and pi nation of war's hor
inis" ICaisor Wilhelin tn Hie Tnwn Coun
cil of Aachen
Hovv patiently the kaiseibill
Hears other folks' privation';
Hon gracious!) he contemplates
His subjeits' scant) ration'.
How sensible are shabhy clothes
When other people wear them:
II
"W beatable all troubles ate
When Vol' don't have to bear them.
The Unspeakable Word
We mav be boob, each time vve pull 1
wheeze perhaps wc bone it.
We may fall down, backfire or Mail, and
icadil.v vve own it;
We mav be numb, vve may be dumb, run-
mind may go mi crutches.
Wc mav be asinine, and .vet to our Known
this much i:
Wc have totall; abandoned,
l-'orswni n.
Henieil and
Ca-t ov ci board (jettisoned)
That word
Camouflage.
It somebody rang a b(;ll every time the
word camouflage in used that noise would
reach Horn here to Mars and back again.
If snniehnd.v committed minder every
time the word camouflage Is used (and
nwn! are so tempted) the earth would be
depopulated 111 fourteen days six hours and
Uuec minutes.
If evcrhid bought 11 thrift stamp
evety time he heard the word cainouflane
mentioned Mr McAiloo would havo vertigo.
If all the energy used every day in saj -ing
the word camouflage were concentrated
in the neighborhood nf the City Hall, Phil
adelphia politics would bo cleaner than
I'hoebe Know.
If Hie people saying camouflage every
tUi were mobilized and armed and put
where they belong the Hohenzollerns would
ho hunting lodgings somewhere east of
Tobolsk.
What Is all this upioar and
hullabaloo about the
German language? Tho
German lanpuage is tho kind of
language that when you want
to say penny
you havo to tay pfennig.
Good night! DUNRAVEN BLKAK.
A man after our own heart waa the
Kansas legislator who became annoyed
at the ratio of the clrcumferenco of a circle
to the diameter. Ho said that a great deal
of time was lost- in multiplying the diame
ter by 3.H159, etc., In order to determine,
the circumference. And so he endeavored
to induce the Kansas Legislature to pass
a law that the clrcumferenco of a circlo
should, be exactly three times Its diameter,
neither more nor less.
To Its lasting dishonor the State of Kan
sas refused o sanction this measure of
estwervatWfl. .. SOCRATISS.
When the Marines Sang
"The Marseillaise'
1
I By EDWARD FRANK ALLKN j
TIIH French call It clan, the Yanks call
It "pep." but tho Germans have nothing
lo compare with It. and If they bad it
would be designated by a word of eighteen
syllables sounding like the rasp of a coal
shovel on n cellar floor. This spirit of our
lighting men Is notlceabl" In all brandies
of the service; soldiers, sailors and ma ..
are alike possessed of an extraordinary
utnount of phosphorus.
I had heard the soldiers and sailors sing
under the leadership of song conches ap
pointed by the commission on training
camp activities. I had considered what
this singing meant for the men spiritually,
and I had seen Its very definite physical
effects. It had been easy to comprehend
the remark made by a certain general on
llrst hearing u battalion sing, "With that
spirit I'll load those men to hell and back!
Bl'T one evening I had the good fortune
to attend a movie show in the big
recreation building at Qiiatillco Marine
Barracks, Virginia, and the singing that
preceded It bad a new significance. The
men trooped into the hall after mess and
for an hour the post band plaved their
favorite airs.
Then the song leader got on the stage
find said: "There's ijulte a bunch of us
here tonight. We ought tn make some
ooKe." He was light on both counts. There,
weie a thousand marines and they did
make "some" noise l-'iisl the) sang
It's a long wa.v In Hetlln, but we'll get
there :
I'ncle Sam will show the way
over the line, then acioss tho Uhlne,
Shouting Hip-hip! Ilootay!
We'll flag Yanlue Doodle I'nder the Lin
den Willi some real live Yankee pep-Hep'
Its a long way to Berlin, hut we'll get
there.
And I'm on m.v wa.v. by heck, by heck!
As a music-hall song that is rather
inane, but it does very well for a thousand
soldleis. especially when they all tome out
strong on the "Hip-hip! Hooray!" and the
"By beck" I sat next to the post chap
lain and heard him sing as lustily as an
one In the place, la) Ing especial emphasis
on the "Bv heck.'' Suiel.v theie Is a psy.
etiology lo popular songs deeper than any
that is pondeied by their composers.
MOIli; of this variety I
Kat)." the stuttering
followed; 'KICK-
song; "Good-by
Broadway. Hello France." and similar dit
ties. Tbe. weie enjojablc even inspirit
ing. Then the ".Marseillaise" was anounced.
A thousand men rose to their feet, the song
leader raised his baton and I thrill at the
recollection of it the gteat patriotic an
them that thrust autocracy otf the sacred
soil of Krance was begun:
Allons. enfants de la natrie.
Li
jour de gloire est a 1 rive!
rpill-: maiines were singing the French
-- words! I'p under the stage the band
was pla.vlng for dear life, but it could
hardly be heaid. Kvery man was stirred
10 the depths by what he was singing. Like
a leap into u German trench came the
lines:
Aux amies, cltoyens '
Koimez vos bataillons'
It was an elemental appeal for the de
fense nf counlr.v and home sung bv the
eager defenders. Trip Inspiration came not
so much as a lesult of their sii.ging It in
Fiench as fiom their singing It with .such
fervor. Won, pep. I wondered to what
heights of enthusiasm the French people
will be roused when Ibe marines arrive
in their lountry singing their niiiiou.!
hymn in its native tongue
TV-STINCTIONS nf nationaln, lM ,w
L'ila be lost in a commonalty of ideals.
Demociacy today has united against Its
foe, autociacy: a score of nations have be
come as brothels: and their unity is In no
better way exemplified than bv the fact
that they are singing each other's na
tional songs.
THE READER'S HEiri()li"P
Baseball ami War
In 111 r I riilm nf the lluunio I'ltblu. t.nhji 1
Sir In )nur columns of tmiavV 1 .sue -t
desciiptioii Is given of a baseball plavei who
when he foup-J that he was eligible to draft'
hastened lo secure a position as paintei hi
a ship.vard, and that, as he whs found unable
to do that, he was used as an inspector The
statement is made that when "informed bv
Hip draft boaid that he was physlcallv lit
for military service lip decided tn KPt husv
and look around" (for what") Further he
has played ball In niot'esMonal ranks since
IPOS (We may assume that he ila)ed be
fore that. If now In the draft. In what vimi
did lie qualify to become a skilled facloi- In
ship production?)
Kven If our existing laws allow n man in
evade military service and .secuie a much
larger salary than those that did not KPl
bus) and look mound." Is It In keeping with
Ihe basic spirit of America al war tn give
the evaders large advertisement In lis
pnpeis? How many parents of bo.vs In active
service read such accounts, with pleasure"
How- many real Americans do? Why head
lines and double columns to such news? Bet
ter not mentioned. . URADEI'
Philadelphia, May I I.
War Chest Salute
Tn Ihr Kilitor vf tiic Vreiifiir I'nblU Lalntr
S.r Fill up the War Chest
Do your very best
Then our mind will be at lest.
Buy a stamp
For bo)S In. camp
They look to jou
To pull them through
Saying
We will end this fuss.
You stand back of us.
So fill up the War Chest,
Do our very best,
Wyncote, Pa., May 16. 11. L. POUND.
The Terminology Taboo
We've voted German from our schools
We'll have no Hunnlsh language;
So now we must revise food rules:
Take sauerkraut from cabbage!
Such alien terms must all come down
The frolicsome frankfurter
Will have to bark some U. S. town
Or else we will deport h.er.
The leberwurst, and pretzels, too,
Are doomed; we'll hear no pleas.
But neutrals can't be made taboo:
Three cheers for old Swiss cheese!
U l. I,
"SEE FOR YOURSELF YET, NO AMERICANS ISS COMING!"
... ; ., , , .-.fe-:;Aj. kiS
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THINKING BY
H v H allvr
I HAVE jun leeelved fiom the Inventor a
"ihought machine" Is this a sort of left
handed compliment? I am In doubt the more
because this in.uhlne Is said lo be ispeclallv
adapted for the mechanical piepatatinn of
movie seenaiios. I Some of us. lo be sine, sup
posed thev were alvvavs constructed inecbanl
callv I Whv should I len-ive a mechanical
scenario constiuctnr? 1 never wrote a movie
In mv life, with one esceptlnn Once upon 11
llme.'al the reouest of a scenailo edllot,
1 wiote a flve-teel sceillllio I milked two
ve-ks u-ioii It. I cnnstiiicteil nioie than !""
scenes, I consumed llnee pounds nf papei .
a bottle of ink and I don't know how nianv
thousand winds. It seemed to me the thing
would last on the scieen till '-' a. in I hi
MS i-ahie tinck nifKi I'd wiltlen for H
twice) with the Information that I had sup
plied baiel.v enough nialetail for one leel.
I've been using the back side of the MS
ever since lo write stuff like this on The
movies ate not for me I can't Hill" niake
out why the Inventor should think they weie
BL'T in leturn to the Invention, vvhi.h be
avs . as levoiutinnaiv a Ihe telephone.
i, ii,.. ham-dens. It stands only sl Inches
hlsh. thoimh some dn It may grow. Al It
seems to write now Is movies, but ptesentl).
the Inventor intimates, i, will wtlte uove s,
...,, r,ln and I nnmaiic wim.-,
blue.
,t.t in.-, !-. -
creen. led and vellow book"
Poss.bil) 11
ma) yet write the peace treal.v.
The contraption contains six projecting
spindles, each of which levolves across a slit
or hidden ill inn. on which are printed hun
dreds nf woids. one wonl at n lime showing
it i ni'li slot You lead dowiivvaid I Idly
1,1,1, tbe spindles and evolve the following
plot
Popular
lectin
elopes
i lint-US girl
hoi rur
dlsgiace.
Illlt picsumably I should have tn i eject thin
as hav.ng an unhappv ending, so I elve the
last Iwn spindles some finlher twists and
now 1 have:
I'opulai
ipt lor
elopes
i bonis gul
leconclliatinu
happiness
uliviouflv, tins is belief All
IS lo 1111 ill the pictllie nf the
J med now
bonis gbl
dancing fnr ihe hot lifted vesti.v, winn.iig
Ihelr enlluisiastle approval and setting down
as the lector's wife and the pious leader of
the Woman's Aui!lai.i. What could be
simpler than that? And without this mar
velous machine 1 should never have wiltlen
this story.
1 shan't, an.vwn) , bul that is a inete de
tail. THIO number of plols of a similar nature
this machine will evolve for ,vou as It
sits harmlessly and quietly In your lap is
truly ustoundlng. Adjective, noun, verb, noun
ngaln (as object, for all the verbs are exces
sively active), and then two words corre
sponding lo the third-act climax and the
fourth-act settlement of all dlltlcultles why,'
as yuil turn that last spindle you can posi
tively hear the audience putting on their
lubbers und feeling for their hatpins!
The Inventor modestly admits his machine
Is In its Infancy It doesn't jet supply any
dialogue the author has to do that. Ita
powers of characterization aio limited to a
blngle a'djccttve, and it Is weak on at
mosphere and a few other llttlo trifles hither
to supposed to ho of some consequence hi art.
But all this, he assures me, will In time be
remedied. At any rate, the machine la totally
immoral; It believis In art for art's sake.
There is nothing Irrevocably puritanical
about Its plots. If virtue Is rewarded and vice
punished in spindle six, one twist of the
thumb and forefinger will alter u-atters.
Never was It bo easy to turn from the Hollo
books to Guy de Maupassant, A slight In
crease In the size, of the spindles to Increase
the number of spicy nouns and udjectlves,
however, seems desirable. If the Invention is
to be of full benefit to modern movie writers.
For Instance. 1 have not yet discovered tho
adjective "naked."
TUB Inventor tells mo he Js even now
working on a machine to compose poetry.
Whether In rhyme or meter or In free verse,
he does not say. Boon everybody can have
his own little Spoon Blver right in the bouse.
He has already Invented, ha says, a machine
tor composing music, wncreuy,. "anybody
-w--',i'-jj-- n'yiAirt
'tfVHBf
r3X I.
H2ag...
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M.- -
MACHINERY
Prirharil Eaton
without the slightest knowledge of music may
become a eompnsei " After attending iniM.
i al comedies for I went) p.us 1 had sup
posed this was alwajs Ihe case. I'ufoi in
nately, the Inventor has not honored me
with one of these musical coinposjtion ma
chines, so 1 can give no samples of the
tunes it luins out But If they lesemble the
plots on the machine he ,1a! send me I should
say it would be an pM-ellent invention to
supplv the an ointiaiiluienls when the plots
aie piojcctcd on the scieen.
PltnilAUI.Y the inventor will not oliji ct If
I quote fiom his lettei. Ip has a first,
fine, caieles.s lapluie nf enthusiasm no words
of mine can leproduce
"As mv series of patented thinking
machines Is designed to associate Ideas ins
chanicallv bv means of woids or symbols
thus saving the ineinoiy and assisting the
cieatlie Impulse, the public must accept It
on the giounds of utilitv
"This Is the age of elllciencv -but a steieo
t.vped elllciencv. Individualism Is being fenced
and incorporated Into machlnerv The nnlv
way to counteract this soidld process In lo
give machine!)- indiv .dualitv and .icative
ability. This Is Just what m.v thinking ma
chines accomplish
"Can )Oll picture
where luuumeiable
:.ist smoking fai toiles
vaileties of thinlciiiir
machines, opei.ned bv electtletty. night and
day aie turning out otiglnal winks of arl?
Or. If )nu ptefet the domestic scene. Imagine
the homes of the land blessed with everv soil
of thinking mat lime to satisfy the uul'veisal
creative Instinct, what ., iihersity nf graph
nnhon.i music we should hear on' a summer
night '
"And we should be loseiied forever from
magazine fiction !"
Fiom the last sentence I gather thai he
.warns to be a philanthropist.
Mailer of Viewpoint
Diifclor General McAdon s planning to
giant Hie raihnads an inciease of Z' per
cent In passenger and rt eight rales to meet
the higher inst nf operation. Times have
changed. For many tnnnths there was stren
uous opposition to granting the lallroads a
small advance In ftelght rates, and the In
terstate Commeicp Commission giudglngly
made rally a partial concession. But a short
experience In tlovrrmnent control has ptoved
a levclatlon. Now the nfllclal In direct charge
proposes mi inciease far giealer than had
been suggested or hoped for bv any lallroad
manager And Hie advance applies to both
passenger and freight rates Tiny Times.
A Familiar Sound
An.acs have ail army call It is "Coo-ee !"
and we shall probably get that Into our lan
guage: leciprocatlng with "Be-) ah!" St.
I,ouls Globe Deniocint.
What Do You Know?
QUI,
I. Wliii rt llif Mohock?
'2, What in tho orluhi of the na.iif nf I'lnrlfta?
,s. Whut (thru nam timlnnilnutei mnunc tltrt
l'rr.fUntii f (he I'nlttri MatM?
1, Whut Mat; Ik It noun tt Old dlor)?
5, who urn J'rohfruliie?
(I, What it nir.int h it rrsimnuilhle mtnUtrj
i. Name lli author of "Tom Sdwsrr,
K. Whrre U llttny Itoi-s Imrled;-
0. Uhrri U lliirtanl I'nltrrklty loeuted?
10, Who U JonklirrV !. Loudon?
Answers lo Yesterday's Qui
1, Hrrrilieilt the Mil I of a rurclfn, (Ifld or rrame
properly frrtlllwd. nuhrrUfd und letrlrd
list mv riiiiiiuu sf ivrus
t'harle Keiiile, HnslUli author, wrote
The
1 laiBirr niiu Kit, iicurill.
3. lln'llsh f'lmnnfl lonneels the North hra anil
the Atlantic Ocean.
4. Objective. In the mlllt;r- srne. the point or
rfnlt to wltlrb the stnjtesy of a rum.
nulrii or the oiiernllons of mi unnr are Ul
rrrted. 5. Anttiltl mineral plleli. . brown (o lilaek nub-
stulire. fonnil In Trinidad, ubout the Heud
hea nnd rlsevitiere,
C, llrumlnhorousi xruln-eatlnc,
7. Mr Kliliard Ilurlon. Knslldi nilirnliirrr. e.
nlorrr anil man of letters, rhleftv noted for
lila tranhlation of the Arabian N'lcbti,,
8. America was discovered In 1497,
0, C'lalft a work of (lie. Iilihct standurd and
of universally nrknowledced merit or lis
riuthor, orlclnally Ubed of faitln and (Ireek
etters. but now extrnded to other litera
ture and also to art.
I 19, Ucncral ,ui mnnti renimandcr of lue (Irr- I
I man HUth Atmr. oiiw.hu: Marshal Half I
. imi tho lsljnd front. ,
2 ,;'. - .Xit-3iiA-2LAfcs. - ,i ;. A'
10, dcncral tun Quint l rsmmaiidcr of tUe Or
.-Ous.,.
RtrvJEfiitaatv
!-ij -.. tta-ww-
Kings Without Countries j
(Irani-comedy in one nccne)
Place Somewheie In Mlltel-Kutopa
Time Last Sunday evening, after tho
Conference of Kaisers
Character: The newly appointed Kings
of Lithuania, HsHinni.1, Courland and Po
land. Lithuania Which way ale jou fellows
going?
Poland I'm for the biei'stube around the
corner. 1 feel tho need of a bracer.
Courland Ich audi.
iSeated among ihe sculels. the nieriv
memarehs contemplate each nthei lugu
briously I
L'sthonla It's a piett) law deal, think.
Hot a n.tedekor with .volt? I don't
know wheio this ICsthonia place is,
anywav.
I'oland U'h), haven't j nu bcuid'.' li Isn't
a place at all; It's nnlv a geographical
cxpicsslnn. Full of very wild and sav
age Soviets, too.
Lithuania That's a pipe cumpaicd with
my Job. I'm not oven sure v,hetber It
is Lithuania or Livonia I've got to take
charge of. I don't suppose it niakcE
much difference.
Poland Oil, doesn't it! Livonia has n sea
coast, I believe. .Much easier to escape.
Look at me. If anything goes wrong,
no chance at all.
Fsthnnla (has been looking at the map) -fill,
hoy! I've got a scaeoast. Let me,
see. aie o.vslers In season'.' rtut gosh.
I'm light actnss the gulf from llelslng
fnrs. Those lied and White (luarris
Courland--Why should we go at all? I'd
rather go Into the front-line tienches.
Lithuania The fellow I'm sorry for is the
lad who gets the Finland assignment.
Poland Bill says the fltst thing we must
do is lo put thiougli compulsory serv-
ice. He says he must have Ifty more
divisions for the western front. He
says llindy and the Prune havo fallen
ifovvn again.
Courland Hovv about those I'kases? Are
there any of them in my territory'.'
The) 're Ihe fellows I'm scaled of, they
and the Ikons.
Ksthonia Hero ionics Karl; maybe he
knows something about it.
(Knter Karl Hapsbuig, looking peevish)
(,'ourland Hello, Karl, what cheer'.' Hovvs
mother-in-law?
Karl Hello, boys. .Bill lias beat it back to
Hunqiiarters. I'm writing a new an
them. This is bow It begins:
Austria-Hungary
Laud of ethnology,
On thee I gloat :
Slovene and Pole and Slav,
.Magjar und Jugoslav,
And then we also have
Czech, Serb und Croat.
Lithuania You say IJ1II hai gone back to
Hindquarters?
Karl True. And I've Just chartered a
special train lo take us all to Switzer
land. We can get Jobs li,ero as cor
icspondents for the American papers.
, Come along.
All Oh, Boy! (Kxeunt in high spirits.)
' SO(?n.TE3.
Ultra-Modern "Harmony"
Herman Emperor William has visited Aua.
trlan Kntperor Charles and tho result, as an
nounced In a Uerlhi dispatch, has been "com
plete accord on nil questions tending to
deepen the existing alliance." That Is. Wil
liam has given Charles orders that Charles
at present Is not In n position to dlsobej',
"inn Potsdam enntr'' brine In full pnnirni
'the Potsdam gang'
being In full control.
Troy Times.
The "Will" That "Won't"
Germany's "will 'to win" might gain her
the victory but for the existence of Wlter-
husky nnd healthy wills lo win In America,
England and, Francs- ChaVleavtou : anJ
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