KjSISSI
tw
h W K, r0lO 4
im, tic i-retTtrenij jnnn v.
M TMaaurcri rmilp ft. Colllnt,
, John . Spurtaon, Director.
MTOIUAL BOARD I
aT. K. Crjtit. Chairman
LET.. ...,i Editor
llTIN,...0nrl Bualntaa Manttr
r t Potto Itiwn nmldlnr,
act ptiuire. rnuadtipma.
L....Broad and t'heainut Btrteti
t..., Prttl'Unlon Building
....... .,:o Metropolitan Tower
..., ,....4i).i lord Bulldins
"i ...... i ....loos rmierton HulMInx
..t VMi iriuunt Buuains
j NEWS DUUEAUSi
Car. I'cnntrlrtnta Ave. nd 14th St.
rttitt Thu Sun t'.ullillnt
iug.ii London Times
4BUBSCKIPTI0N TEAMS
no Fcsua L.CD4CK la tsrved to tub.
PhtltdelDhla and surroundlnr towna
i l twtlvt UV) cent! pr wlc. ptyatlo
ST. ,
o polntt outalde of Philadelphia, in
piaita. vanaaa. or unuei mates poi
nts rree, nnr io nn prr inonin.
(art per year, payable In Advance,
irtlgn countries on (II) dollar per
nfcaerlhera sctahlnr addfeta chanted
Md at well at new addreti.
I WALNUT KLYSTONE. MAIN Joefl
ft oomm,.Ml.o((AM In Pi eHliifl ltif)IM
fc ftdrpindenra Square, rhllatltlphta.
i it tub ruiLiMLrnn rnst orrtcx it
ttCOND CLilt Mill. UlTTCa.
itdtlphia, Wedondar. Mir IS. I'll
L GOODBY, GERMAN
ird of Public Hducatlon has re
ad to an undoubted public demand
iliB that the teaching of German
Fiooli be cropped.
jjh'is a feeling that' the language
t studied witnoui subjecting me
l9; tome subtle sort of German p n-
(F 'And there Is also a feeling thit
there were no danger of misleading
nj people, the language of the Ger
es not deserve the attention of
It Americans. The (tctyiol board
peneves mat. mis reeling is en
by a majority of the people In
r?or It would not have acted.
time, however, that the War F.o-
: will not reject officers who un.ter-
Re) German language, nor dls'-hii'ge
' army soldiers who can talk wlin
' prisoners and can understand
aid In the trenches of the enemy
gtttey approach them through No
..and While German may not be
hero. It is of the first Importance
ere be In our army in Franco a
number of men who understand
ruage.
;far the people hae been silent In re-
the six-cent trolley fate Idea. Hut
almost hear them think.
BRIDGES FOR PEACE
f Federal Government, aided by
ael Hatch, of the Marines; Ad-
owles and Mr. Schwab, has nls-
remarkable talent for animating
blclpal administration in works of
Bess and in the realm of material
' as well. Systematized vke Is
the trolley system is no longer
In the way of ship construction.
Admiral Bowles demands that
Jkr Ferry bridge bo rebuilt or re.
BtThere is a hurried "Aye, aye, sir!"
-Hall.
Ferry bridge should have been
ttg ago. It is dangerous. The
River bridge should haxe been
i, before this. Such lmpioements
would have facilitated business.
traffic routes and" made llfn gen-
sore comfortable for millions of
"wlhVbo an essential nerd of this
slty after the war. An era of
building might properly be an inv
i development after a declaration of
WTidea of traffic that have been
pty the war will not diminish. The
and vehicle traffic across the
' la now .. dense at the ferries
SH'can hardly be accommodated.
Hi, continue to grow the essential
atlon between Philadelphia, and
ey will be seriously Impeded.
should endow Colonel Hatch
airal Bowles to retain them perma-
a source of inspiration to an
and politically paralyzed mu-
Iclaldom.
m . . . ..
jtajenioua contractors who got 920
-ht.uUnr artificial snow in New
ltst some new street-cleanlnr in-
wight have waited another month.
have melted even faster then.
.THE FORTUNE TELLERS
'It that Camden has Illuminated
signs to steer motor traffic at
alia Philadelphia is as yet unable
rt Councils to the logic of this
jMthod? Ts Philadelphia a suburb
i or Is Camden a suburb of Phila-
BL
p.';vgenlus yet arise so to train a
comedy chorus that at least one
at every song will be intelligible
Uence?
hpollte to permit women to stand
trolley car, why doesn't some
plat endow the P. R. T. with a
ffUquette7
'.I
Lt)M matter of salaries Councils'
nimltte It asld to be 'consider
for city employes." Verily this
of novelties.
:
k,'-'
ilUTH AND FICTION
of Peter Clark Macfarlane's
Utory. "The Crack in the Bell,"
paper, who took time to cpm-
with yesterday a news from
rard, have reason to know how
lb there la in the familiar as
eh holds truth to be stranger
A good novelist makes only
!pen and paper. Fiction Is no
truth. The world doesn't
anfe truth Is even the sort
' way be encountered lmme
lUHe 'corner. .
comfort themselves with
t'ihe'tbug polic'ewan, the dull
' sslnd ana the animal ajirewd-
rM politlcaand the brutal
methods, of divlalon heelers
" legencL But Mr, Macfarlane
rtjtl)e saw akd. knew to be
,nJiadIphla political oystesn.
14 .have been called an ex-,
' Mk" .DeuUth att "Hattle":
reit of them hadnHtt.
)wTn the ioo4y.
Mn If W.M
1 .dfaMfe' ft .........
rrafc xight
There Are Only Two Social ClaMei ToJay,
Thoie Ulto Love Liberty anil Those
XVho Faor Kslfrim
rpilE German shells have blown up the
illusions of llflf American Socialists
about the war.
In 1910 the party rlcclnicd in it3
national platform that the wnr was
brought -ajyitit by "the desire anil effort
of competing national proups of capital
ists to grasp nnd control the opportuni
ties for profitable investment," nnd that
it was "one of the natural ft nits of the
capitalistic system of production." Its
leaders said in St. Louis In Apiil of last
year that the United States hnd Ij'tii
violently nnd needlessly dinwn into the
war and that there would soon be n
social revolution in Germany nnd
Austria-Hungary, when a ichcllious
working class would end the wnr.
More than twelve month have passed
ami the social revolution has not
occuncd. The German Socialists arc
still co-operating with the Government
in nn attempt to fmce n military autoc
racy upon the wnild. The revolution in
Russia, which held out hope to the Social
ists, has been used by llie Germnnt for
their selfish purposes. The Socialists in
France and Italy have been persuaded
that they can hope for nothing from
their fellow theorists of Geimany.
It is evident today to Hie Amrtirnn
Socialists that the Entente Allies nnd the
United Statc3 aie fighting the cause of
social democracy that i'-. they air
arrayed against clas.s power and privi
lege, against autocracy nnd the vule of
the iion heel, politically and industrially.
Thh has been evident to the rest of us
from the moment America entered the
war. We are fighting for thp broadest
possible freedom for men and nations to
livo their own lives in their own wny,
protected by the common conscience of
mankind. Xo Socialist can nsk for any
thing wider than this.
It must be said to hiJ credit that
Eugene V. Debs has nt last peiceivcd the
truth. Ho is demanding the denunciation
of the declarations of his party last year,
when it called this a capitalists' war and
said that the rich might pay for it' if
they wanted to. He has even gone so
far as to say that some of the statements
of the St. Louis platform woie ticason
nble and oiTcnses against the laws.
All this is well so far ns it goes, but
the educational effects of the war will
not be complete until the Socialists have
learned that they have erred in stressing
the division of society into two classes,
the rich and the poor. There aie two
classes, it is true, those who love libctty
nnd those who lose bondage. Those who
are seeking ftccdom are fighting Ger
many. Thobo who aie content tn live in
shackles which they themselves forge are
wearing the uniform of the Kaiser and
his allies. This is the only issue at stake,
the issue of freedom versus slavery.
It is said that the Socialists do not
intend to nominate any candidates for
Congress this year, but that they will
support the Republican or Democratic
candidates who seem to them best to
represent the issue. This is a step in the
right direction. It indicates a claiifying
of their vision and a growing npiu rela
tion of the honesty of purpose of those
with whom they have radically disagreed
in the past and with whom they still dis
agiec on many matters.
If they can remain in their present
mood while the war continues they may
discover that wo nro all insistent on the
equality of rights and opportunities for
every ono and that our American Con
stitution was framed to secure those
rights. And they may learn that it is
profitless to array the poor against the
rich nnd to attempt to divide society into
hostile classes. Wo nro all working
together for one cause. That cause is
the fullest and freest liberty for the indi
vidual consistent with the liberties of
others.
Militant Socialism will die when this
fact is recognized. The good that there
is in the Socialist program will then find
an easier acceptance because it can be
considered on its merits unconfuscd by
propaganda hostile to any social group.
The crisis in Mexico? Oh, Carranza
knows that oil Is nfcessary upon tlio troubled
waters !
ELLIS AMES I1ALLARIVS SHOES
"B1
K PATRIOTIC nnd wulk!" talcf
Thomas K. Mitten, president of the
P. R. T.. to the West Philadelphia trolley
era when tho shipyard rush jcrtnAcd his
lines.
That command from the heights still
stands alone as tho oddest summons to
patriotic service. It lnvolcd the queerest
suggestion et advanced to make the world
safe for democracy. But theio seems to bb
no unity of Idealism in the P. R. .man
agement. Kills Ames Ballard, general
counsel for the company, has Just emitted
a pastel In prose to prove that It ts cheaper
to rldo with a six-cent faro than to walk.
Tho high cost of shoes, ululates Mr. Bal
lard, Is such that the wear and tear on sole
leather by one who would shrink from a
six-cent trolley ride might reprebent a loss
rather than a saving.
Is Ballard's time so valueless that he
would lose nothing but an Immeasurable
quantity of shoe leather by walking long
distances to and from his toll each day7
Walking to work, as the general counsel
of the P. R. T. might know, were ho a
closer student of the times, Invokes lostes
tljat cannot be computed In terms of shoes
and shoe leather. It InvoUes a loss of time
aud it Induces a considerable degree of
weariness. Men nnd women and children
may walk to work If they do not mind
laboring two or three extra hours a day
at that unnecessary employment.
People might save a little by going with
out luncheons and thoy might economize
n money by -doing without water and
without, light. But water and light and
food. Ilka trolley trantportition. are India-
ansabl! la a iss-iAem.of commune) exist
eiice like ain) m a kivvar Jr.-Ballard's
eecentlals of modern existences-Including
street railway accommodations that may
not bo appraised In the primitive terms so
picturesquely enunclnteil by Mr. Mitten ami
Mr. Ballard.
If Hlndrnburg Is rfalty dertd the boss of
Hades will hac to agitato himself to main
tain prcrtlgn In bin irnlm
GERMANIZED MEXICO
CATiRANKA and the Germnn minister at
Mexico nt. nlded by bribed and cor
rupted newspapets ami leglslatnis. nr"
doing tlielr utmost nt Tnniplco to cut tho
supplies nf fuel tn the Hrltltdi nnd Ainerl
un fleets. The plan has been formulated
through lopg-drawnoiit governmental In
trigue ilelseil tn clio a formal and legal
rmblnnre to a mairuver )t frank and
Mrulenl enmllv. Htettta nt Mexico nt
nnd nt Tnmpl"i lndli.it" that tho United
States miy be nn the verge nf Another
crisis In our trillions with shifting rrR.mes
in MpnIio.
The Mexican f'nncrrss has Imposed nn
British nnd Amnlinn nil tinkling In Tam
plco a avstrm of I.inph which Is niulvnlen'
to tho mnfWatliMi ni luniljsli nf the In
rtutiC I'melgn win kern In the nil Molds
b.no been hautsred nnd threalfiied The
full fmce nf Gel man propaganda In Mex'-n
Is bring npenh tested nut nt this moment,
lust as the full fnrco of the German m.';
Iar power Is belns tcteil out In I'rrr-.
There Is u ilpflmtn rrlntlnn between the two
i lit r i prlvps
nil from Tamplin is used in vm quan
tities by tho Allied fleets. It rat mi bs
dispensed with. Hither a serious Interrup
tion In shipments in n dlverslnii nf extoii
she nillltarv forte fmtn the Pulled Stales
tn 'Mexico would satlsfs the (irrni n.i. II
nppeira fiom ieinl developments that the
I nlletl States may jet 1m compelled tn
kpIzo the Tmnplt'o region tn nvnld a mole
.prliuis (ompllcallon
1'ioin tlm Amerlmn point of lev the
ptesrnt agitation ill Mexlcn i-epies'nt'
only the expiring pirowsm of tlm tin l
vnomoiis svslem nf diplomacy that the
wot Id has ovtr known. Melt-o Is ns badly
In need or civilizing as tieimanv. That
task Is certain to bo one nl llie Immediate
tesponslbllilles of this i-ountrv utter the
war Prnlittrtl nnnrihv, la the gill of
government, has hr-i-nmo Intolerable anil
perilous to decent t (immunities.
llpjirrpnt.itlve I'.in
('nnnniimlr! i iimi, of Illinois. Fald lm
would 11Kb to lake
iJenigs ( r?el "bv llin rial of his breeches and
the hat k of his neck mill hull him Into space '
It's nice lo frel that wn have a Inng-tllstnuce
gun of our own, but,we wnndei, iicvcitlirlcna,
wli.n spate ever did to t'ni-l" .Ion?
The onlv padded roll
Vn' ncpert ill Pngland has
Sml
lust been exi inptrd
fioni tullllarv service under n govrinnii ntal
outer which held that he (nuliln't l spateil
Nnvt tvr Know that the Allies expect to laki
the Kaisir alivr
The V r p ii r h Hill"
llliie? lie's ttlilte lievlls ilniibtless would
Ullli lert (IIsIIKp to be told that
the Kalvrr w ai runts a
designation pteclrelv similar to thelis Yet.
all ai-ciiunts Indicate that he gits IiIiipi every
d.iv.
The fierm.ui pitsnners who repnrtrd
Itlndrnbiirg dead mav niprcly have said what
eveiy ono has long suppn-(d that lllnden
burg was a dead one
Tho Fifth Ward reveals tho real pur-,
pnso nf a polltli.il club. livery policeman
carries one
l:
THE CHAFFING DISH
Ilalldd of I'rugality
Mi beard is blonde as honey,
I shave alternate, days:
np Sundays, Tuesdavs, Thursdays,
My cheeks and chins I taze;
On MmidajF, Wednesday, Fridays,
My bootblack shines nnd buffs,
But bet nf all my high das
The days I turn my cuffs.
I nlwa.vs wear soft collnrs,
My old straw's on my head,
I never buy my matches
Rut borinw them Instead:
Put cardboard In my Insoles,
i Knt naught but hoov erstuffs.
But best of all, my brothers,
I alwajs turn my cuffs.
Double.
This Is Thrift Ptamo Week. Don't forget
those little brothers of tho Liberty Bond.
Lord Northrliffc's Medal
Lord Nnjthcllffo has been paid a tribute
that must delight him lonsidcrubly. The
Germans have found tlmo to sttike nit a
medal for him. Ono Mdo of tbo medal
shows Northcllffo hatpen.ng his pen
against a kind" of nutmeg gtater; from the
bottom of the nutmeg giater a frog is
'crawling up his sleeve. Thero must be
Mime very subtle symbolism in that. At
his elbow is an Inkwell marked Hetztlntc.
which we take to mean red-hot Ink.
Tho other faco nf tho medal represents
Northcllffo as Mcphlstopheles gloating over
a world which Is wrapped In very un
pleasant looking flames. Over the ton
'flagratlon he Is holding out some burning
newspapers maiked Times, Dally Mall,
Kvenlns News, Mntln, Nowoje Wremja.
This must be a very pleasing tribute to
Lord Northcllffo. .' nd after all, the more
plglron tho Germans put Into those mednln
of theirs the less they wjll have for shells.
A Detk .Motto for
Leniue and Troltky
)
IloMieviklsm Is tl.vnaniitPr-wliich may be
used for blasting rocks lo prepare (lie
foiind.it ion of a building; but .vou cannot
mako jour building out of dynamite.
Herman Bernstein, In tho New York
Herald.
Finland has its Red and White Guards;
and the lkralne has Blue Guards; even
the' Kaiser has his blackguards; but they
all cem more guarded against than
guarding.
We hesitate Jo buy any of those twenty-four-cent
airplane stamps for our letters.
Most of the things we write to our friends
are not Important, enough to pay that to
sand them.
They used to tell us that truth Is stranger
than Action. Not 1n the Fifth Ward. Down
THE GOWNSMAN
(( AMERICAN education today is amarlngly
.Tlperineatert with German Ideas; our
methods, our pedagogy, our organisation have
been tn n degree Germanised." These were
the-w-rds nf an eminent university piosldent
recently. And bo added. "My vocation Is
deuce, nnd niv lalr education w-ns almost
entliely In German laboratories The por
traits that hang on my study wsllb are most
l.v those of my Gorman teachers! four-fifths
cf my scientific rcad.ng is In German."
THIS "educational penetration" Is Indubi
tably true, nnd It would be ns unfair to
denv that vve have been benefited bv the
borrowing of foreign Ideas as It would b
preposterous tn afllrm that all we have which
Is good In rdiKHtlnn was made In Germain- "
A iinilevman may get trade by tho superiority
of bis waies. or bv tho superior ty (f bis ad
vertlsononl lie msv combine both Gr
manv has ininufartured some verv excellent
educational wares in Ihe past, nnd likewise
man) (heap ami trivial ones. And her ad
vpillseinent has been loiislslenllv nggrefslve
nnd persistent. She his a1n believed In
tho rmracv of what tho poet calls 'damnable
Iteration" and hv means i t It has heen nbl
tn corrupt even KontP nf our educational
saints Ss a thing often enoueh and thre
will entne a time whfii people will believe It.
Place n tlguie or s name w hero th man .n
tho stieci must seo it and vou i-in tenth him
thit flgnte or name whether he wanti to
It.irn It tr not.
w
HAT aro some of there "lUmmble Itera
tions'"' fine Is that the Hngllsh nation
Is an offshoot of tho cieal Gennan people,
coiiuptoil bv inlxtiiio with other and. theio
fore tnfeilor stock and degenerate from tlio
Ideal of Kiiliin Vnoilui Is that tho Rng.
Ilsli tonciio I- deiivpd fiom German, nnd
heio then i iiuillv a iiulbble mole or loss
skillful, nn the (inutile nioniiliic of the word
"Germanic a which mav be applied either lo
Ihe Luge ginup of mankind Hutch, Pcandl
nvvlan Scoirh ns well ns English nnd Ger
man oi whiib mav uie,in onlv tho last A
late Governor of Pf ninvliinia. famed for th
ciusilfitv of hi- tonuuo nnd bis terror of
cailciluio. rxer inalnlalii'd. If tlio Gnwnrman
Is tint niiRt ikon lint a reitsln tjerman iner
conarv gen'ral hid more to do with bilnclng
about llie independence of America than the
Preiicli inoiiov nnd Influent es wblth hlied him
to help us And it linn been "nigued In
print that It l purely nn nrcldent that tho
tin laratlon of Inilcpendenco wnn not written
In German.
C1i:rt.M.X scholarship emulates dermin
Tpollitti in ilils dlituni' "f'laim everv
thine in night, nnd then compromise," Tbert
wns once an acrimonious dlcu&siou ns to
whether Poleildge did not bilnc bark from
'topitliigen not onlv all his philosophy, hut
all bin pnrtr.v nntl all tho biahis which ho
I'lnplovcd In tho protltn tlon of either Ap
paientlv Colerltlgo went lo Germany a fool
and inino Inck to Pngland a philosopher. A
cnnunnii (liltn of this kind which has boon
scnli licit n bundled tlme, lull which will not
die until th" sundown of Kullnr Is Hint which
dot lairs Shakppc.ire ncghttetl nntl foigot
ten In t:iiKlautl unltl mllst nvend for tho
world bv Genu. in nfllnlty wllh his genius A
(hath mask found in n ragpicker's shop
In I Misseldni f ami nllcged lo bo that of tho
gieat dramatist turned oul on examination hy
an eminent cinnlnloglst to ho "ilMimtly Teu
tonic In tjpe" Hoh could II have been any
thing lse? Sh.iKespe.iro vias a geiiius and,
theicfoip, a (iPiiti.iu Tod. iv n paper brings
us tho newest Teutonic tllscovorv. made bv
a lo.timrt Htiliu ptofcssoi Napoleon was
really a Geitii.in. Why fict such a matter
with piont plulolngli at, nn heolopiial or nn
lliiopnlnglc" Napoleon was a g(iilu, all
genius Is Gorman.
Willi Get man unlvoisltlf. Get man ex
chaiigo pmfessors, German ail. uiuslc. philos
ophy nlwa.vs to Ihe foio with "Genu in
lloiites" founded at llnivard nntl elsevvheie,
vIsllH of Get man princes nnd .1 unlveisal
looting of tho niprrlatlve quality of evpry
thing German, vie naturally canio to forgot
somewhat tho iiuadvcrtlsetl nations: Ilalv,
the land of beauty and of nit; Bnglaud,
w hent o wo hail our Government and our
blond: Pionce. who helped us in tho tlmo
of our need to out ficctloni.
TUG mask Is now- off nntl wo have mas.
teied the foniiiil.i: "Put In the peg of
peaceful pent ttation wherever theio Is
cicvico, crack or nanny, mid rlvd In tho
bent nnd with tho hammers nf wnr." It
lemaius for us tn master tho foriuulai-lst and
to keep for our spoils the good things which
wo hnd of hint hefoio h loathed the ltvetlng
since, lelecling Iho shams and affectations
To the Gownsm.tn It seems nn nffeetntinn
to call a let in of Instruction a "somtstci."
or a i lass in which theio Is consultation a
"seminar" He Is nf opinion that because
German professors lecluic habitually to their
classes it dos not necessailly follow that
Amcilcati teachers In college, high nnd pil
maiy ichnola must teach cvrrlhiiig bv tho
method of monologue. And ho Is nf opinion
that even If every pttty exeici-e In clnt.s Is
labeled In Germany "scientific research" and
often printed formally nnd called a thosK
It does not follow that all Amcilcan unlverrl
tips must forcibly demand the continued pcr
petiatlon nf a like absurdity.
G HUMAN Idras in education have Incul
cated on us the pieposterous notion that
nil subjects nre equally worthy of pursuit,
substituting method and protest for sub
stance ami intrinsic quality and giving us
that Invely vvmd "rcsenrth" with which tn
cover up a multitude of sins and a wilderness
nf Ignmances Hestnrcb Is nn thing fiom
looking up n word hi the dlctionni) to inn
appraising nf tho cnnvnlui.ons of a bialiv
power geired up to tho writing nf "Paradise
Lost." The Germans, too, have given us that
deadly conception, tho mensurabllll.v of even
thing, and with It Us coiollary, tho converti
bility of any nno thing Into tenns nf any
other If a boy is unprepared In mathe.
matlcs or Greek ho may substitute account
ing or manual training- if a giil falls In
physics or French, she may offer "domestic
st ience'' , nntl the measure nf one Is verily
the measure of all the nthers.
rpHD excess In nur American education of
J-method over Insight. Its dangeious utili
tarian tiend. Its tendency to set store nn or
gnulratlDii nntl nn elllclency Judged hy ma
terial standards, thrie aie some nf the
things which German logic nnd Germnn thor.
nughnes-s havo begotten In us, tn the end that
man) of tho finer things nf life and of the
arts languish at our great seats of learning
Between an education that makes n man and
an education that makes an efficient machine,
German), from the nature of her Ideals, pie
fers the latter Hut uuth Is not tho education
fitted to a free republic He.ilthy young
American manhood aa been, for the most
part, too much for the Teiitnnizer, nnd some
of our tiouhlo is Just that that we have
parted with our older humane methods to
put In their place a system fir which we are
unfit and which we administer Imperfectly.
The method which, accepting )our piem
Ises, goes on to the logknl conclusion though
the heavens fall, the method of logic. In a
word, makes of the man who employs It a
machine, at ctllclenf as n machine nnd no
more, peifect If all goes rlrht, a catastrophe
If a peg Is out or a spring Impalied. The
method of common seiue trains a man who
Is never as uniformly efllclent in a specific
thing ns n machine, but Infinitely moie ver
satile and capable of adjustmert to new und
changing condition!. This Is the line Amerl
tan system, which we had of our Kngllth
ancestry and have varled'to meet American
conditions. Method from Germany and let
there not be too much of It humanity and
common sente adaptability from England.
If we will have urba.dty and theie It need
of it in our education let us seek It of our
heroic ally. France, 'n whom Is "(he Inheri
tance nf that I.atln culture which the north
ern tribes have even yet not wholly assimi
lated. American boys at the front are fooling
the Germans with an alarm clock. They
will teach them several other tricks beforo
they are tlnlthed.
i
The entire supply of platinum has betn
commandeered by the Government. Does
this mean the retting of the Jewels the ladles
wear at the opera?
'Sfow'tbe.tjerrnans are talking about an
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Bolshevik Uprising in Marathon;
Ice Cream Sundae Indemnities
By Our Special
Marathon, Fa., May It.
XTOW thnt the wnes aro onco more open
fni rllspalchos, ltls possible to tell
the true slory of tho Bolshevik uprising
in Marathon, and paitlcularly the sinister
part played In the matter by tho bureau
cracy or .vinnuiaKO lain. j
All wars nnd tovoliitlnns nro due lo
causes p.utly sentimental, partly eco
nomic. The nntuial deposits of Ico cream
HUndnn nnd stravvbetry shortcake aro ex
ceedingly rich In Mamthon nnd havo al
wn)s been coveted by thn residents of
Mundrako Park, the adjoining suburb on
tho Cinder nnd Bloodshot. Moreover, Man
drake Pnrk is Jealous of tho Marathon
train service, ns ten moro commuters'
trains per day stop nt tho latter station.
IT IS my exclusive pilvllego Jas I have
lemarkcd so often In theso dispatches)
to explain how tho Bolshevik uprising in
Marathon was brought about by subtle
piopagnnda fiom Mandrake Tark. It be
gan vvith the engineer of tho 8:13 train,
tho tavnrlte vehicle of tho Marathon com
muters every morning. Spies from Man
drake Park persuaded tho engineer that It
,w-ns a tedious and thoroughly bourgeois
thing to run the train into town on rails
ovcry morning Why not dismount from
tho track Just before reaching Marathon
nnd give the upmmuters a surprise? The
engineer and train hands, seeing the phi
losophy of this Idea, tenanted themselves
the Pancnmmuting Commissioners of Hall,
loads, piled the locomotive off the track
and ptneeeded to run into Marathon on
the county turnpike. Finding that the
train would not run on tho roadway, they
vvcro not at all dlsmajed, but hitched the
locomotive to a hand printing press nnd
began to Issue bullotlns declaring nil social
manacles struck off tho hands of tho
populace.
THKHK Is no space lo describe in detail
the lamlned Intrigues Initiated from
Mandrako Park. I can only tell the re
sult In Marathon.
In the first place, the -Marathon phar
macy, declaring that It was weary of serv
ing sundaes and shortcake to a bourgeois
public, ran up the black flag, barricaded
Itself behind a bulwark of salted-peanut
bags and refused to fill prescriptions. The
resulting shortage of sweets and sodas
loused a very menacing mood among the
flappers and bolshevlxens nt the , girls'
hoarding school on the hill. The pupils Im
mediately organized themselves Into a
Battalion of Death, hoisted a silk stocking
as their emblem and barbecued their Latin
teacher.
The postofllce decided that under theie
new conditions It would e unsafe to de
liver any mall until It had jeen censored
and spent a hilarious twenty-four hours In
reading the letters of the entire com
munity. The village man-of-all-work, who
had been engaged In mowing the lawns
and raising vegetables for tale, was per
suaded that to furnish the supplies of life
wau undemocratic, and declaring himself
the panproletary soviet of the ash-htlls ha
ripped out all his beets and artichokss and
planted skunk cabbages Instead, These
vegetables, he insisted, were more liber
tarian. The garbage man, terrified by the
spirit of disorder which was spreading, was
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Correspondent
had neglected for many months to collect.
A wealthy bourgeois was discovered en
deavoring to secrete his stock of cigars
by hurvlng them In the gaiden. He pleaded
that they vvcio only chemical fcitlllzers,
but nono the less la wns put to toitiire.
He wns tied to a post whllo the pansovlet
commissioners smoked them before his
v cry pj e.
In tho pnilsh house some of tho more
stolid citizens gathered tn form a provi
sional government, protected by the boy
scout Hoop; but the uproar outside, where
all tho citizens were, celebrating their new-'
found liberty, wns so great that the de
liberations camo to naught.
AFTKIt twenty-four hours (ho dlsorganl
x zatlnn wns complete. It had been
announced that everybody would bo nble
to do vvhntcver he liked, but It was soon
found thnt this meant no one could do
anything. Tho newsdealer nt the .station,
having decided that it was undemocratic
for others tn lead the papers before he
had done so himself, blockaded himself be
hind his wire gratings and rcfued to sell
any papers of magazines until he had
read them all from cover to cover. The
Battalion of Death flappers, rendered des
perate by the lack of soda water, sallied
from their hilltop and laid waste tho drug
store. The men of the village, weakened
by enforced nbstlnence from tobacco and
newspapers, were powerless to do an) thing.
Kscape was Impossible, the citizens of
Mandrake Pntk having sunk an obsolete
Jitney ncross the high road, nnd the rail
way was not running. The Pancommutlng
Commissioners nf Railroad, unable to
control the dl.sordcr they had arouted, had
retired to a tnll treetop, wlienco they kept
up nn irregular sniping with monkey,
wrenches nnd ball-bearings. Tho village
laundress refused to wash any clothes urj
less she was elevated to the nobility under
the tltlo of Duchess of Suds,
TVTANDRAKK PABIC was now ready to
' complete Its Infamous designs. An ex
peditionary foice, heavily armed with
safety razors, knitting falchons and In
famous proposals, proceeded along the
railway track calling loudly "Kameradl"
Whlle,thls force engaged the attention of
the distracted Marathonlans, a large body
of Mandrake Parkers rushed upon them
from tho flank, armed with frontier recti
tiers. While the Marathonlans, under the
leadership of their panproletary soviet of
the ash-hill were chanting. In a lugubrious
voice, "No annexations, no Indemnities!"
the forces, of Mandrake Tark had seized
tho Ice cream pits nnd the shortcake quar.
rles and the conquest was complete.
T.-AM not jet permitted to divulge In full
the grotesquely tragic results of this In
famous business. A, negotiated peacqVas
signed at the Marathon pharmacy hy the
high commissioners for jf.-.ndrake Parlf
and the Marathon envoys, ho were the
before-mentioned panproletary ashman,
the Duchess of Suds and the chief of the
Bolshevlxens of the flapper schobl. Mara
thon was compelled to demobilize he.' boy
scouts, to cut her 'train schedule In half
and to pay an annual tribute to 'Mandrake
Park amounting to S.000,000 maple nut
sundaes, .The situation Is very menacing
for other suburban communities along the
.Cinder and Bloodshot, for Mandrake Park
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"SAW . .
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FINIS
T HAVE fought no mighty fight;
I have not affmnted Tate;
1 have kept no'llrc alight
Pale within no tcmplc-gale. '
I hnvo not done anything
That is noble, brave or true.
Nny, I cannot even sing
Itondels beautiful or new.
I have not been worth my bread
Vet thus much I beg In fee,
When I lie among the dead
Folk may murmur this o' me:
"Here lies one within the tomb
Pencil stilled nnd parchment furled
Who was somewhat overcome
By the beauty of the world."
John McClure, In "Songs nnd Rillads."
Vacation Tlioiiplitfulncsv
1 hlnklng about tlm summer or autumn va
cation problem )et? Better do .vour thinking
and planning eaily this jear. Of course you
are busy. Your emplojer needs ou and
mir hest offoils. As a loyal American nu
aie giving every ounce nf energy tn jour
dally "bit" sn jnu'ro going- tn need a Utile
lest to keep fit To let .vnurself tun down,
to drop below standaitl Is really unpatriotic.
Vacations aie all tho moie needful In stren
uous times But this jear plan your vaca
tion trips thoughtfully. If sou can, arrange
for a change of vvoik nnd s( ene, say from
office or shop to some farm whom your effort
Is needed and will tell In the sum total of
food production this fall Or If oti must
have real rest, go to some nearby rest place.
Transportation facilities for long Journeys
will be taxed heavily; your self-restraint In
making jour Journey a short one will ha
generally helpful, 'if you must go far afield
go ahead of the lU'h. It's always wise to do
so; It's doubly wise tn .do so this sear. De
troit Frearres.
Patriotic Balance
Thesa war coats make one's head swim and
nne'n pocket shrink. But If they tmlkt one's
patriotism swell there'll be no harm
done. Charleston News and Courier.
Begin at Home
Rome of our people have been so busy
lamenting the laggardness of the Govern
ment In war preparation that tbev overlooked
the need for busing a Liberty Bond. Pitts
ton Gazette.
Very Particular
Most girls fancy a Toldler boy with blue,
black, brown or gray e)es Toledo Blade.
What Do You Know?
QUI,
1. What It a liaison ofltrer?
t Name the author of "Jana Trr."
3. What l the srltin of the name of New
llamphhlrr?
4. Where It O.trnd?
B, Who la Vke Atimlral KereaT
. Iritnllfr "th(i yrpent of tht lte."
7, Who vita Archibald t'lntertnc Gunter and
what hit pecullarlt)?
5. What It a "hoollttn"?
9, Which la the t'entrnnltl Stitr?
10, Who wretei "It Is not rnouth to knowt vre
mukt alio apply"?
Amwert to Yeitenlsy'Quiz
1, 'TrfMntt. I often r, endear tbsenta." It
k Quotation from "A ntterqon on Rottt
I'll" from'Tha Kaaaya of Ella."
t, Kllai peir.na.nit or tohrttiiiet of Charlti
l-anih, Kntll.h etailit of tht etrlr ptrl of
' ihe latt centurr,
3. Kltld. Marshal Viscount Frtnrh It tho now
llritlvb Lord I.leuUnant of Inland.
4. The Vrnrrnblo Htdtl the ttrllett EntlUh htt-
torlan, 6)3.133,
5. "Woverley." the Brttef tho terlrt ot hlt.
loriral novels, to wlilili It tate the nam,
written by 8lr VVaMtr 8ol and flrtt a
tued tnonymouily.
. The followlnr rretWenta of h I'nltetl fUslo vj
dltd in ofdett W llltm lltnry llarrtaon. Jt
. A. Otrflald, VVlllltm Mcillaltjr, I
7. Louljiana vsat nsmtd In .honor of Kins liil
XIV of franco, tht "(Jrand Montrta."
s, liinirir. roio. or national plat, M
tho United Stalfi l0Trnunt wssoan
It nta btsun In ISM tnd mUtSXli
uf i vioinan aw turn VtYJW MllfVi
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