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YlJSrtK(. LDGBlePHD'ET;iHIA SATURBA1T, MAY 6, lOfo.
V
1 SEK WHERE BARNETT SHAW SAYS THERE WOULDN'T BE NO PEACE
. IN GERMANY TILL THEY GOT A REPUBLIC THERE," SAYS BARNETT ZA
: Whp Is He, Anyway?'
Asks Blrsky - 'He
Wrote a Play by jilie
Name: 'You Couldn't
- Tell frothing About
It" Is Zapp's Answer
Then Follows a Learnedj
Discussion Upon the Fur
ture "United Spates of
Germany," and the Ac
tivities of the American
Germans Headed by
Bryan, O'Gorman, Vie-
reck and Others But,
Zapp Admits, This Is ,
Only Hypo-critical, and
"Hypo-critical Cases Are
Cases "Which You Dis
cuss for the Sake- of
' Argument"
- -
fT StJU where' Harnett Shaw saja
JL thiro wouldn't be no peace Jti ,(Jer-
i many till they got a republic there,"
ald Barnctt Zapp, the waist manufac
turer. "I'm surprised that a feller with micil
a front name Hhould talk ao sonslb.e,"
Louts Blrsky, the real cstater, retorted.
"Who'ls" Barnctt Shnw anyway?"
"He'a n Schautpictdfchtct." lUrnett
Zapp replied. "He wrote a Jilay by" the
'name 'You Couldn't Tell Nothing About
It,' which my wlfo took me to see, Ulr
ky, and he was right. You couldn't."
"A SchnuapUlillclitcr!" Ijlisky e- I
claimed. "Well, I suppose 'he thinks
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Illustrations by BRIGGS
"Where nobody cnrc3 for anything but beer."
Germany will hlro him, and Oeorge M. j ,,
Cohen to work together with David pe', "
gate the HcrlitiCr Altcocmciitcbcdlcn
imairals'criammluid." "YeB7 ' Zapp said.
"Which," nirsky,c.,pljlncd, "In hnch
German Is short for Public Service
Oommlislon. They say It all In one
word and Have time that way, Zapp.
The Germans q a terribly cfllclent
Vlon r, r. fu.U. ,!,. ,..lrl u...t .., ica' iren. vi I'omniciucu, its
In four acts. Zapp, and since sh would I a "oor 1ln,d "f towl th,u runs down ,ts
then pot no more use for that KaUei- own ncst' '
Uchc sonr 'Dculsclilaml, licutschluml 1 "Wnat d'je mean T nm running
Vcber Allcs.' she would commission nn I down my own nest7" Illrsky asked,
osteopath to wrlto a now one for her and j -'"You uie like a whole lot of people,
.jhavc It set to music by a feller In th Hlrsky," Zapp explained. "To hear you
plumbing supply business. No, Zapp, talk you would think that the ofllce
Germany don't do business that' way, holders which run the United States
If alio wanted to Ret tv play written, oho
would go to a play writer like ll,irii(t
8haw, aber If she wanted a republic
' fixed ahe would ko to a Jlepublicnn like
this here Uarne or n Democrat like
Charles 8. Murphy, and you would see
(that In less than a car's tlmo over
".there thjngtr would be running so
smooth and quiet that the UelchstaK
"would got already a couple Investigating
.committees Investigating the fundrles
v'In the expense account bf tho Iincsti-
gating committee appalnfcd to Invest!
i
f .
' of America done It In the time they
, could spare from -their regular occupa
tions of dealing faro or making booK.
rtolievo me, Ulrsky, If you waB to take
what the Koal Family gets away with
rom the German peoplo In the course
1 nf a jear by woy of living expenses and
t allowances for pocket money, y'undor
staml, and compare It with what we
pay our public ofllcets from President
to dog catcher, you would think that
America was a sweat shop instead of
a country. Yes, Ulrsky, If tho reigning
Prince of Glmmetdlngen-Palothclm goes
traveling at the. public expense, y'undor
atand, from what It costs him and his
Misehpocha for meals and moms, any
body wfoulil conclude that our congres
sional committees sat up all night In a
combination baggage-smoker and ate In
cafeterias."
i "Sure I know," Blrsky said, "but they
i ain't got no political ( graft over In
I Deutschland. If they build an aqucduck
or a dock Improvement over thorc tho
people gets value for their money,
Zapp."
"I give you right, Ulrskj," Zapp re
torted, "and whllo the Hoard of Alder
men of Pffnffenrottchen, capital of the
principality of Glmmcldlngcn-Daletholm,
works overtime to keep the street clean
ing commissioner from ringing In an ex
tra sweeper on tho payroll at twenty
pfennig nn hour, y'understand, tho
Prince of Gimmcldlngcn-Dalothclm gets
nppolntcd honorary colonel of the 102d
Schaumburg-LIppc regiment or the
Kaiser's O-vn Household Troops olav
haahoJom, and when he goes out and
hujs an honorary colonel's full-dress
uniform of burgundycolor satin d'amour
with ecru lace brought down over the
hips from under the bust lino and hav
ing platinum and ryby buttons and plat
inum and ruby fringe to match, y'un
derstand, the tax rate In Glmmcldlngcn
Daletholm Jumps up from -I.89 to 24 89
per cent. So that's the way It stands,
Ulrsky. Over here "wo let crooked pol
iticians get away with somo of our taxes
becauso wo think j we're too busy to
bother about keeping them grafters hon
eit, y'understand. but over In Germany
It's considered perfectly on the lovel for
a prlnco to get away with about ten
times as much money because he claims
that ho Is anointed by tho Ucbcr Oott
to do so."
"And, them poor Germans ncblqfr be
lieve him?" litrsky exclaimed,
"They've got to," Zapi said, "becauso
over hoic if you make a criticism of a
politician the w6rst he could do Is to
sue you for libel In Sarahcuse and take
a couple appeals, after in Germany If
somo one makes n criticism from a
prince, y'understand, the prince first
puts him In Jail nnd decides afterward
what he would do with him. Barnctt
Show was right, Blrsky. They should
ought to got a republic over there."
"Aber how are they going to do It?"
Blrsky' said. '
"It's p. snap," Zapp said. "When we
started In to be a new beginner as a
Republic, we only had thirteen States
In stock, whereas InfJermany Ihoygot
I don't know how many hundred p'rln
clpailtles end kingdoms which could bo
fixed up as Stales In the United States
of Germany. The only thing Is the ab
breviations for the States which If you
was to send a letter to:
Mov Mer,
New Cincinnati,
Uindenbcrg Co.,
au a. i
U. S. o.
.leaning tho. State of Mecklenburg
dtcsllbC tile chances Is there would be
flffy Max" Meyer In Now Cincinnati.
Hlndenberg Co., M. S., meaning tho State
of Mccklenburg-Schwcrln. They've got
a whole lot of other duplicates that way,
Ulrslo." '
"Is thefe such a county a IHnden
berg County, .Mccklcnburg-Strelltz?"
Blrsky Inquired.
"Not yet," Zapp replied, ''but there
wlli bo when they start In tho United
States of Germany. In fact, I bet jer
therq would bo a Hlndcnborg County
for every State In the German 'Union,
also a von Tlrpitz County, a Zeppelin
County and even somo Stales would
havo a Bethmann-IIollweg County. As
for New Cincinnati, Just so soon as they
get the republic going over there, nil
them fellers like Richard Uartholdt.
Ocrshon A. Vlercck, Victor Hitter and
Jnmcs It O'Gorman which Is so dis
satisfied mtt America, would go back
to Deutschtand and for tho sake of old
times yet, they would found settlements
and call 'em New Cincinnati, New Mil
waukee odcr New Hobokcn."
"Do you think Bryan would go with
cm?" Blrsky asked hopefully.
"Xaturltcht" Zapp declared. "It's tho
only chance that feller's got of running
for Presldont pgaln, which jou could
take It from me, Blrsky,- Just so soon
as Bartholdt and tills hero Gershon A.
Vlercck gets nicely settled down over
there, they would form an- American-
German Alliance and hold meetings to
denounce the actions of the German
peoplo, anil particularly tho German
Government becauso In questions which
comes up with the United States of
America, it tried to fix things ns' ad
vantageous as possible for Germany.
They would then call on all American
Germans to work for tho nomination of
an American-German ticket at the next
German presidential election, y'under
stand, nnd not to vote for any candidate
who didn't have an American name.
Tho consequence Is, the ticket would' ba
For President
WILLIAM J. BRYAN
of Brand.
3-
The Prince first puts him in jail.
For Vice President
JAMES K. O'GORMAN
of Wurt.
Furthermore, this hero Gershon A.
Vlercck would publish a paper In Ber
lin, Brand, or Stuttgart, Wurt, and calt
It Dcr Outer Altor If. S. A., nnd If tho
Germans get soro nt him and nsk him:
'Look-n-hcre, Vlercck, nro you a Gor
man or nto ou an Amciican?' and
Vlercck would Bay: . 'I nm Just so good
n German ns ou nre, but at the samo
tlmo I can't forget what I owe to Amer
ica.' Then in his paper lie, would pro
ceed to call von Bethmanu-Hollwe'g a
second-rate schoolteacher nnd that If It
wouldn't be for pickled herrings where
would the namo of Bismarck , be to
day." ' '
'Them fellers will get themselves
pretty unpopular over there If they act
that way," Blrsky cotnmentcd. '
"No necessary, they won't," Zapp
continued. "Thcro'll always bo somo
German professois over there like Pro
fessor Burgess over here, who when
Gershon A. Vloreck writes In his paper
that all Germany knows America
taught her, y'undcrstund, will say:
'He's right. Tho boy Is right.' And
there will also be somo American pro
fessors working for the University of say, 'Americans has got to eat tht
tow lynched!" Zom,
"Tllsv mgU dll !p
over there. Take, for lnStartr 3?
lean feller hv 1, 7nre'Wl
bog is discovered fc n,"'.Vi!
fiervlee now.- . . "' UCrmHi
ty-fourth floor nf ,. -Z VJ
Building, von kiuck. strtet,&2SI
denberg Co.. Tit, . ., , .r,MI
rr-h-ai
'""'''' "kb, marked
"Place dtfnamUc here.
Wan 1i ItrtM .. . l ..
...uw .. ao iivo 5CIS Of Uril l,"
a sawed-orr shotgun fully )od
:r" ; :::':. . Tmon,i -m
.. H.v. naamjeu iuse and ft
shot. Naturally, Blrskv ...
think that such a feller they o, J!
"Naturally," Blrsky "agreed
"Well, they wouldn't do nrfS
thing," Zapp continued. "All n.,.
W. V, Hedgehog does Is to caja
his m i uiuuiiK . oranen nf i), !-
Ambassy there In Essen, iihrf J3
trjlng to check up his states
ringing up tho homo onice of ihjls
lean Ambassy In IJcrlln, the JudJ3
""'6" '" mn mo manks of theSS
and they nil go over to the EsJ
gents' cafe nnd havo n little: VeA$3
ami ryo Dread tonguo sandwiches i
necroi service men."
C'Tho United Sintcs of tier?,
sure going- to bo a funny countryiii
any Hum,
"Not at- nil," Zapp declared.
only going to bo modeled atiltt
unuea aiqies or America, Blriky
Instance, If tho United States of I
ica has troiiblo with tho United M
or uermany, and somo Amcrlcawj
mans in Hamburg or Bremen
feller by the name August Hj
i-ppendorf-Wintcrhudcr, alias Rt
Stove, to put d bomb on a 4Sni
Postdampfcr, y'understand, and "Hi
snip goes down In mldoccan and &
n couple of hundred German won
children, understand me, then TJ
American-Germans In HamburgHi
mate with a supper at the Rnthi 1
i u i ....
iii-uer, y unuersiunu, you will BQtm
the RflrmuH nnnnlli t. Ill ljv!. ... iLiS
ter in a liberal spirit. 'Well,' Ih&ft
Berlin the samo like this hero Munster-
burg Is ot a Job over here In Hnrvaid,
who will say that ho don't want tho
Germans to take It at all out of tho
way, y'understand, nnd that ho has got
a lot of good friends among the Ger
mans, understand me, but when It conies
right down to It, Germany Is, after all,
a country where nobody cares for any
thing hut beer. That without meaning
to give offense to anybody, y'under
stand, he would call Germany the land
of the Almighty, Beer."
"It seems to mo. Zapp, the way you
I describe these here fellers, 1 glvo 'em
1 nt tho outside six months In tho United'
Stntes of
lynched."
Germany before thoy got
llko anybody else, and they'll let'i
at that."
"Why, If that happened In this
tty," Blrsky cried, "we'd send
fellers to Jail for the rest of their Hi
"Mnybo, we would und mafia?
wouicint," zapp said. "You can't.m
I think wo would anyhow got as.fttwl
patience with them as the United 9M
of Germany would. You sec, JUlrrtJJj
nm only giving you hypo-crltleai cSSL'
"What aio them?" Blrsky asked!
"Hypo-critical taoc"? aio raises :
you discuss for the sako of argiunejj.'
Zapp concluded. ' They never nct&i
happen In thovUnltcd States of'Gij
many." V
Philadelphia Joins in t,
the Tercentenary
Celebration
evening. May 15, by the Philomatliean
Society of the University of Pennsjlvnnla
For the p-vst week workmen h.ive been
busy erecting In the Uotanlcal''GardenH
an exact reproduction, seating ldOO, of the
famous old Ololie Theatre, In which so
many of Shakespeare's plas were first
acted Within the curious hexagonal
u.tln I- ..I. 1 .. .. ...
ei t ... nn . .... . . I v.wo, in iiii. miu uiucwiy. 11 audiences or
nlc r In the TthourttM f thmnn. nf the W 1316 "III Bather to witness on
ffil'sUnhff,? Projecting Into their
noon, at 2 o'clock, occurs the most notable
single event In the program of commem
oration arranged by the Tercentenary
Committee of this city. It is the Sliake-
peare Festival at the Academy of Music,
midst the same Jollv- characters and nun.
gent action which delighted the nilzabeth
ans of Shakespeare's day.
For this, too neventh annual nilzabethnn
production of the Phllom.ithean Society,
at Which such notable men aa Sir Herhert ",0,"-"B' "UH '" "niy oeen openei to gen-
Tr,X the nnhgU.Tac,na
Novs. the nnet. nn,i rnvi,i ni.nim h. l."0 unlversltj have beenvutlllzed for the
.. T atH
! Prominent Photoplay Presentations "f mwm "iMi- M'M "1
i """j ' '51
. a rf-
female parts. Interest In the University
was so general that the society has been
able to gather two separate casts, which
win .uterniue jr. performance.
Tlie nrst performance
of i:r.-ors" will be Monday
15, Thereafter , for the balance of the
week there will be two.performances dally,
afternoon and evening. Percy Winter, son
Noyes, the poet, and David Bisnham. the
Inger. will Join with noted Phlladelphlans
In praise of Shakespeare.
Philadelphia will be represented on the
program by Prof. Felix Schcllng. who will
say a few Introductory words; Mrs. Dtls
Skinner, who will recite Ben Jonson's
"Ode to Shakespeare." and Mr. James M.
Beck, who will speak on "Philadelphia's
lucruurmi 10 anahespeare." i , ... ,., ,,.,, ,.,.;.- '''-- r'
The William Penn niVin inh ,,, ot Ule erlttc. William Winter, nnd former y
wlU dlvera ft thf Droeram vvlth nld Fn Br ot the Orplieum Stock Company
ttHaT&vRvS!1 i T1,e n,8hl f WeUnc-dy. May 17. has
ptnlsets,ryWoo1ruf7hn2SeerrsBnadnS William n trl' Z tP lCe HKW'
Sylvano Thunder " and " la hoped that members will at-
,, munucr, tend the performance on. that date In large
'The Comedv of Rrrnni." . Sh.1,.1. . numbers.
peare himself saw It If he 'wasn't acting . Snec'al Interest will be added ,to the eve
yety
Soohm Gmpami
fltr fallnwlnc Ihfnlre" oh' -.n their plrturfi llirnuch th STANLEY nblii
x Cameanr, ithlch l rn' ante f .fjirlj ihanlns f th fln.nt prodnt.
tln. All idrturen retlawtd befar eihlbltlon. Ab far h thtatra In
Wtalllr ablalnlnc pklurta throulb tba RTAXLKY IinOKINO COSlrAM.
of "The Comedy :ALHAHBRA W'&tiltWp
ay evening, May """ audolileft ParmTt fi
I'.'lh, Mnrrli l'asyunK Ave.
a . t v.
. fiaturea.
Wm. S. Hart in "The Aryan".
In the cast of his comedv- will he nre.
ented to Philadelphia's public Monday
Iff r It 'iBaaaaaaaB
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,WL,Xi ,;tf'-m,:M
nlng by short talka by several famous
Shakespearean scholars, w hose names will
be announced later,
Prominent
Photoplay Presentations
ARCADIA
EDNA MAY in
'HAI,V'AmN JoAN"
CHESTNUT
1IBLOW lttTH
Ap-4rl"rilfl-D AKIJ -THOMPSON
JrJLLJ MATINEE DAILT
TKIANtll.K I'miKI'NIS t
Frank Mills in 'The Moral Fabric'
BELMONT S&A'SSr! SS
lift b-o, . a;(l tv
DusUn Farnum in "BEN BLAIR" J
60TH 'AND
CKDAIt AVE.
WET riHMDKf.rillA
VvCiUnri THEATJIE
ROBERT WARWICK in
, "HUMAN UIUlTMomv
. I I I I I '" " I '
FAIRMOUNT"-
i Ethel Barrympre
I "Strnai 1'aai? .if Mary I.
In "TUB KIBS
Of 1IATE"
Ubr" I3(h JOpliod.,
LIBERTY BROAD AS?LUMBTA
JACK MlfMfAM, & MHS. HPOil.VI B In
"A SPRING CHICKEN"
Logan Auditorium Bn30V,wAbSvlv.
DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS in
TUB HAUIT CUT HAPPINKliS"
'TiP I TQT 62D AND U3CU8T
LiUUUOl Mala. (30 and 3:30,
Em nt30. A. itin
Petrova ln
Olga
10a.
ISs.
PLAYlNa
WITH i'lllE"
Market St. Theatre 333 maht
Mtjn Prnt MAIIV JULES JIINTKn In
"Uely Mary. bee Franrla KorU and Uraca
Cunar.l In 'Tpj: o' the Un" trfy VVd.
ORPHFIJM OBRJUNTOWN AND
JfmEiJiyi pHELTEN AVER.
Dorothy plan nd ,QWtn Moot In "I.iltle
JImiu'i Hamnmv rlfB LAST J-VHIH"
' OIIAKT," lBlh Enloa
! OVERBROOK ,ao &jvll FRANICFORD Zvb
MARGUERITE CLARK in
-HIT UF TUB nmyrB"
pKAio'T 1'PWMI-VTR
CHARLOTTE WALKER fn
TUB THAU. O 1HE lANfftuMi, P,SE-
SOTII AND
HALTIMOUE AVE
!56TH ST. Theatre nra
Hazel Dawn in "The Saleslady"
r.;.i
i
52d St,
REGINA BODETTn
3 S3I) So
'i to It KV
I BALTIMORE
Tranglo pruni H:4SIB n.UimscHLE in
"M(R Olf-tV VVMr"
Rncrnp Arriiirlrt ,u "Pattv and
ioacoe -rt-roucKte jhuu:l Apmgy'
nBTn "
Broad Street Casino ImaA.S,,,''
JtATJ.NEna 30 BVEMMtOsM
Rhea Mitchell '" .'
the; iuh.' . wJiaibRj
KEYSTONE "T s5niGmBEV,!K
nuuiiviL,i,c and j ' ii - -
CJERMANTOWN rlL
putun'NT purrrnH
Paulinp Fredrck in "Audrey"
SlW-T."
- MARY PICKFORD In
TUB BTERNAU tlBINI"
PARK WDaE AvBl DAUPHIN ST,
"w rontlnuoua I u II Admlm )0n,
Charley Chapljn in "CARMEN"
STRANUtJ IAHIJ ? 1IABY I'AOiJ
101b UABKET
8THEET
Prexnta Cbaa. rtj. Edna
uri .isincilQ m
J HANV
RIA'I Tfk OEBMANTOWN AVE.
V VT TUTJ'EIIPCBEN ST.
BLANCHE SWEET in
TiU HAflAWr'l'UN'.'
PRl'NCESS
'ofia Film Corp Prtxn
Wallace Honpir. Mi
"HY VVllO.su
i RFflPNT ,03 ilAHKET STHEET
CLARA KIMBALL YOUNG in
"THE lh.' OiJ.Uir
0rigfei!.,rt. s &m , . vrJf
BAHUMIR KRYt
,&
"IRON CLAW'J Picture
Ueil,'b niNunt
R 1 1 is V markbt street
'-' " nrTw ttii rtrket
Blanehf 8wt. Th'ot BotanaJinl
Tboinaa 4TU C,
Helena, in uuheip
Suextf
playir!
Liu ifiliiV.-.rniil.Hni haviX,aiMii tfM itttiyt,ipa,j..i.iiw.frWt r-f
WffstWodalda Park. ,ul4lH'r,A wv
HOUR OF TIIK
ei na iv squji
Av'inir s-ri I
OIRARP &fWW$vwv ' SHERWpO $7,
5UHn!F&F ! LUKllt- ROCKWELL n
IHB .AtnM , -IjB.FRI.MK IjOVB-WITH llfttVlFE"
I ill i i ipiywi
TIMQRE
I
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GO TO
ttJSn&Y&gmj'.Hw Great Northern flSSffiSkHE. 'SAVOY
. ... . .. ..TT.Trr!"" . '. . . .- . i ,.ih..,n .. ..
Ueorce Walsh ,n B,-UB .t?on Dorotny Ula & Uwb Moor in i
- aii ic.r... . . . ...
I I.lTll.rr llpfinAB BlWltlS"
AVP HEft"
MiJ&oB Square Garden , "Z.c -
' jn'Min'ijv . j' JEFFERSON
0KTIHt3T
' SM KE.NfilNOTO.V
TODAY
WW ASD DJiVSUltt
IBW,TI
Edwin Auwrt rt "'SffiSSLK
itaTt; iruuiTDP i
ilAlX i.niU.AKVL AVF.VIJE
DOtiaLAS FAllAANKS in
" 'THB HADJT 01 HAPPINESS-
iyjTyjtTH 1Mb AVigE:'
UU MARKET
SIeVbOP- -nii PpTlVwr N t
"PLAYING WITH FIRE" '
t
.
?v
r
LAFAYETTE u KEf$i
ANNA HELD in
TIOGA 1T VE;fAQ' OTS "
', FANNIE WARD in
-ypK Tj OFS-SE
VICTORIA MARKET ST.
Going to Goldberg
Next week there will le a new place to go in the evening.
Godberg.
GOLDBERG ANIMATED CARTOONS, we mean. They
will be at your moving jpiqture theatre. If they aren't, you want
to see the manager about it.
' Goldberg, .cartoonist of the New York Evening Mail, has
eyolved a new kind of comic movie for Pathe with twists and
curves that you have never seen before in moving pictures.
People whp have seen advance performances of the films
say that every foot and flicker is a riot of laughter.
And you know they are for you know Goldberg,
r Goldberg has been experimenting for months and months
jm these new movies, and isj-eadT ffi liteyate them-aUasi
There will be a new.pne every twp weeks at your movie
.theatre. Pathe Exchange is putting them out regularly. r
SEE GOLDBERG IN THE MOVIES
, JtaUteW. I4W ( FKfl Hsi tHUam far , wk, UmiI im, rwS
raters' Utj atittt and ssa-kalt agtautca ff fiw, "" wr
, j s-
nr.sisi,Tvs
r w a. ryi Pm.Tr.wuaK ab
STANLY wSrASvFJi
J I J M R O rAT e 1
i.T.mi IJ JtMmWf AWp
AMjm,
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g.88g. .J8ag - m WWH
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mm. mjmmh" mm-