EYENItfG LEDGBll-PHIIiADELPHlASATtrBBAY, MARCH 18, 1916. '
'I
"WHEN A FELLER GOES TO BED IN ENGLAND HE DON'T KNOW
IF HE'LL WAKE UP IN IMPROVED PROPERTY OR VACANT LOTS
So Says Birsky in Com
menting Upon Zep
pelins in the Course
6f a Dissertation on
German Efficiency
By MONTAGUE GLASS
t
Illustrations by BRIGGS
Zapp Waxes Enthusiastic Over
tho Marvelous Discoveries of
the German Scientists Who
Concoct "Mattress Bread" as
Good as Wheat "They
Wouldn't Give Up Till the
Last Garbage Can Is
Empty," He Concludes
But When Zapp Soys That Business
Men In England and Franco Unvo
te Take tho Risks of War Along
With tho Advantages, Birsky Ex
citedly Cries, "A Rear End Brake
man on tho Now Haven Railroad
Una Got Also tho Satno Advan
tages. Evidently You Think It a
Ploasuro to a French Business Man
Ho Should Got Verplatztl"
"rpHEM German professors certain
My does wonders over there," said
Barnctt Zapp, the waist manufacturer,
"1 sec In the newspapers where Dr.
Kuno Schimmorlig, professor of ko
lonialwaren, delicatessen and fine
groceries, In the University of Berlin,
has discovered a way of grinding up
old mattresses, and by mixing it with
glue, plaster, iron filings and l-10th
of 1 per cent slnai of potassium he
makes brend enough to feed all the
English prisoners in Germany and a
couple of million Russian prisoners
besides. That's being economical for
you, Birsky."
"Say, economical," Louis Birsky, the
real cstater, retorted. "Why don't
they shoot them English prisoners
nebich and be done .with it, instead of
atarving them to death?"
"What are you talking nonsense
Btarvo them to death?" Zapp exclaim
ed. "Professor Schimmerlig says that
he made all kinds of tests from his
mattress bread. He cut a slice of it
one ten-thousandth of an inch thick,
and he also cut a slice of regular
bread not quite so thick, y'understand,
and he looks nt them both through a
microscope, y'understand, and he
couldn't tell them apart. He then
takes a loaf of mattress bread and a
loaf of regular bread and burns 'em
up in nn electric furnace at a tempera
ture of 0854 degrees Fahrenheit, and
the ashes from one bread is the same
aa the ashes from the other bread. He
then goes to the top of a 14-story
building and drops a loaf of mattress
bread and a loaf of regular bread, and
they land on the sidewalk within a
tenth of a second of the other one. I
"He should go with his wife and children to the nearest ammunition factory."
forget what else ho done, Birsky, but
it didn't make no difference if he shot
'cm out of a gun or soaked them in a
mixture of sulphuric acid and beer,
y'understand; the mattress bread was
just precisely the same like regular
bread."
"Sure, I know," Birsky said, "but
did ho eat it?"
"Why should he eat it?" Zapp asked.
"He's a Gorman professor, not an
English prisoner. Then there is Doc
tor Bratenfett, professor of notions,
smnll wares and five- and ten-cent
itoro supplies in the University of
Stuttgart, and ho says "
"Excuse me," Birsky interrupted,
"what did you say this here Doctor
Whosthis was professor of? Five
nnd ton-cent store supplies?"
"That's right," Zapp said. "I sup
pose you know, Birsky, that since the
war all businesses in Germany is on
a scientific basis, mit professors to
look after 'em. They got professors
of automobile supplies, tires, gasoline
and oil which could make nonskid
tires out of potato peels, watermelon
rind, three onions, a dash of cayenne
pepper and a bay leaf; simmer gently
over a slow fire for three hours and
just before serving add a liquor glass
full of one-tenth of 1 per cent, benzo
boracid acid. Tho result is an oitor-
mobil nenrtire or tircola, which is ab
solutely impossible to tell from a
regular $50 list price tire by any test
that a German professor knows about
ranging all the way from putting
the ncartirc or tircola under nn out
side pressure of 89 foot tons to the
square millimetre and the regular tire
under the same also, down to taking
a photograph of the tircola and the
regulnr tire side by side and making
n crayon enlargement 10 times life
size."
"But why didn't they test it by put
ting it on the wheel of a taxicab and
running it n couple of miles or so to
see if it would bust oder not?" Birsky
asked.
"What do you mean to see if it
would bust oder not?" Zapp expostu
lated. "I'm surprised to hear you you
should talk that way, Birsky. That's
a test for a chauffeur to make, not a
German professor. On the other hand,
Birsky, there is German professors,
including professors of every business
in the business directory from arti
ficial flowers, feathers, and millinery
ornaments down to zinc, which all
they need is a ton of coal tar and an
adding machine, y'understand, and
they could hand you out anything
from a spool of thread to a regular
full-course 50-cent chicken dinner. '
And then they talk nbout Germany
getting licked 1 Them fellers wouldn't
give up till tho Inst garbage can is
empty."
"Well, say," Birsky began, "tho way
them Zeppelins is nowadays, I'd a
whole lot sooner be in Germany as
living in England, where if a feller
goes to bed at night in his own home,
y'understand, ho don't know whether
he's going to wako up in improved
property or vacant lots."
"They aro used to that from woman
suffrage times yet," Zapp said. "And,
besides, the English War Office sta
tistics shows that, so far, 10 times
more people got hit by motorbuses
last yenr as by Zeppelins."
"Sure, I know," Birsky said; "but
while tho English War Office is mak
ing statistics, y'understand, tho Ger
man Wnr Office is making Zeppelins,
and maybe by next year tho Germans
would got so many more Zeppelins,
83 the English got statistics that liv
ing in England will bo some'thing
which you could really call danger
ous, Zapp."
"Yow dangerous 1" Zapp retorted.
"Them Zeppelin fellers that throw tho
bombs ain't aiming at nothing but
ammunition factories."
"Maybe they ain't Zapp," Birsky
agreed; "but according to the descrip
tion of ammunition factories given to
them Zeppelin fellers by their bosses,
the way to tell an English ammunition
factory is that every English ammu
nition factory is a building two stories
high, and has a small front yard with
a baby carriage in it, a back yard with
clothes hanging out to dry, and there
is a regular English ammunition fac
tory smell of fried onions nnd ham
and eggs coming from It. In other
words, Zapp, to the German War Of
fice an English ammunition factory
looks just liko an American dwelling
house where a feller which makes
from $30 n week down would be liv
ing with his wife nnd family, Zapp."
"Then all such a feller has got to
do, Birsky," Zapp said, "when word
comc3 that the Zeppelins arc arriving,
is to take the baby out of the carriage
in the front yard and leave tho clothes
hanging in tho back yard. Then he
should go with his wife nnd children
to tho nearest ammunition factory
which looks like an ammunition fac
tory, such as they got it in Pittsburgh
fivo stories high, mit smokestacks
and freight enrs around it and him
nnd his family would be perfectly
safe."
"Aber there Is also tho big cannons
which tho French and the Germans
got," Birsky continued. "If you fired
one of them things in Albany, Zapp,
it would hit Kingston, Poughkeopsic,
Yonkers, 125th street and tho Grnnd
Central Station liko it would be laid
out in a timetable already; and if a
feller moves to Tarrytown for safety,
r .d&Jn frzt&9 H WrtiflnWI v nB3aJ
"He then goes to the top of a 14story building."
- - -
"He don't know whether he's go
ing to wako up in improved prop
erty or vacant lots."
y'understand, somo Sunday when him
nnd his family is sitting down to din
ner a ton of shrapnel comes through
tho kitchen ceiling and completely
spoils the Vorspci, the roast chicken
and tho cook; and when the feller'3 at
tention is called to it, he could only
say, 'My mistake,' because there it
stands in the timetable, black and
white, 'Tarrytown: h Sundays only.'"
"Well, say!" Zapp exclaimed. "If a
business man is living in one of them
countries like England or France, he's
got to take such risks along with the
advantages."
"Advantages!" Birsky repented.
"What for advantages? Such advan
tages Russian Grand Dukes used to
got in tho old days when the Nihilists
was laying to let off blasts on 'em
every 10 minutes. Advantages eagt
crt A rear-end brakeman on the New
Haven Railroad ha3 got also the same
advantages. Evidently you think it's
n pleasure to a French business man
ho should get vcrplatzt, Zapp."
"A pleasure I don't say it is,
Birsky," Zapp said. "In fact, it must
even be a big disappointment to him,
considering that ever since the war
begun a French business man nin't
had to pay no rent; and if somo one
writes him his account is overdue and
in case they don't hear from him by
the tenth inst. would positively place
tho matter in tho hands of their
lawyers, y'understand, instead of tele
phoning them 10 timeB a week that
the boy i3 on his way over there rift
the check now, understand mo, all ht'tk
got to do is to pull this hero mortal
arium on them nnd they dassent dV
nothing." $
"But if ho can pull this hcromorts5
arium on hia creditors, Zapp, ijjfj
debtors could also pull a mortuariuriffl
on HIM, Zapp." v
"Not if ho sells for cash, BirfVj,s
Zapp said; "so taking it one tthjjij
with another, Birsky, a French boii-H
ncss mnn ain't entitled to no sympatlj
from nobody, because right
Birsky, for every French businej
man that lays awako worrying aboS
Zeppelins, there's a hundred America
business men that couldn't sleen fori
thinking of rent and bills payable."-
"Aber how about the French tiUu
lords and tho French real cstaten'ljp
Birsky asked. "They couldn't be verjiJ
long on sleep neither." ifij
"Well, the chances is they don't frfy
tn Irlnlr Tin Vilnnlr trf?cn ovofl
jupp aamiiieu. t
"Ain't a landlord got to live m
same like a business man?" Birujj
demanded.
"Sure, ho does," Zapp said.
"Then why should the French Gov.
crnment pick on him for?" Birirj
nlfnrl. .3i
Zapp shrugged his shoulders, jjff
"It must bo tho same in France liiii
it is in America. Ireland, Russhadril
and New York," he concluded. "M-X
finHv lrtvofl n lnnrllnrrl " "M
A
m
33,000 Rays
to OUR .
Rainbow !
N
ews an
JVi
lews
ofr
armer
bmitn s Rambow Club
The Weather
Pussywillow s
Peeking
Out o' the Snow
SPRING WILL SOON BE HERE
Dear Children There arc times when we want something to think
about and just now, when the 'wind is whistling around the corner, it is
pleasant to think that SOON spring will bo here.
Have you noticed a tingling in your fingers? Do you know what it is?
I will tell you. It is those fingers of yours itching to get into the cool, moist
dirt. Do not be discouraged if you live in a flat or apartment, for we are
going to tell you how our members manage to have window boxes and watch
tho tender little shoots come out of tho ground. It will make your life much
happier to have flowers about you.
Do not think that your editor is going to do all this, for he is going to
ask you. Do tell us just what you are doing, and those of you who live in
the country will be kept busy sending flowers to those who live in the grent
big city and to those who are in tho hospitals. Do not ask WHAT IS THERE
FOR ME TO DO.
There are lota and lots of things for you and you MUST keep busy.
Perhaps some of you already have a flower box and you must write in
and tell us how you made it and just how you planted it.
What wonderful times we are to have writing stories like this, "A
Flower Garden In a Soap Box."
Each little blade that comes up will have a story for you and you must
learn to read it. BE PREPARED!
Plan, plan, plan! If you have a hard time going to sleep at night, think
f your garden box or how you are going to plant your large garden. Write
me a postal card and offer suggestions as to what you think our little gar
deners ought to do. We will divide them into three classes: (1) Those who
ust a box. (2) Those who have flower gardens outdoors, and (3) Those who
have vegetable gardens. If you earned money last year selling flowers or
vegetables, write and tell me about it
LET US KEEP NEAR NATURE NEXT SUMMER.
FARMER SMITH,
Children's Editor, Evening Ledges.
FARMER SMITH'S FR0Q BOOK
Dr. Bull Frog'a Telephone
"X have been reading a book," began
Willi 9 Tree Toad one afternoon aa ha and
Billy Bull Frog were seated under a tree,
"and tha book says that the men who In
vented electricity used to use tha lees of
tve."
"Well," answered Billy, "what about ltT"
"Why," replied Willie, "we have elec
triclty In our legs."
'I guess that must be what makes the
Jumps," said Billy, Then they both
laughed.
1 guess I know a lot about electricity
tx& t you will coma with me we will play
a joke on Doctor Bull Frog; we will make
UU telephone bell ring1."
Xhit would be great fun," said Billy
iCcroe, lefa do it"
Tay both scampered away as fast as
My could and soon were at the good
iJetor'3 bungalow Willie hopped on the,
nf and told BiUy to follow, but, of
aeurce, he couldn't because ha had no
seeker on hla feet Ilka a Trea Toad.
When Willie got on the roof ha did a
vvy funny thing. He climbed down where
mm teupnoriD wires czuerea wcur uun
yri'a bungakiw and stood with one foot
m i-ah wire, Pretty soon the telephone
bell rang and Doctor Bull Frog answered
It.
"Noil I didn't call," they heard him
saying,
"Willie cams down after that and said:
"You see, my feet are wet and when I put
one foot on each wire it is just the same
as taking the receiver off tha hook and it
shows a little light In the central ofnee
and the telephone girl at once rings up
to ask what is wanted."
"What a wonder jou are!" exclaimed
Billy, "Let's try It on mother."
And they did, much to Mrs. Bull Frog's
amazement
V- . Q 1
1
8
THE "GOOD NIGHT TALK" OF THE BLACK INK SQUAD
m&
OS
JN
FoLctttft
Oftcr ,
Pa
7
lSjA
MArrjarcl"
THE LOrtEVOLF
iftj
SATURDAY EVENING SMILES M
SCIENCE "Why doesn't lightning ever strike twice in the same plaMij..
the teacher asked tho new boy in tho natural philosophy class. "Huh, MiJ
the new boy, "It never needs to."
FARMER SMITH,
Evenino Ledger:
I wish to become a member of your
Rainbow Club. Please send me a beau
tiful Rainbow Button free. I agree
to DO A LITTLE KINDNESS EACH
AND EVERY DAY SPREAD A
LITTLE SUNSHINE ALL ALONQ
THE "WAY,
Name iMi.H'"M''it
Address .,..ti.ii..i
Aa ......,......,........,,..,,,.,
School I attend ......,...,,,,
ClURtKS ZBIULLO
a Uthilt
HELEN COTLB
yfca ew
Things to Know and Do
1, Describe the best time you ever bad
In your life.
2. Go to the window and draw a picture
of the first thing you see. (Black ink on
white paper)- ,
5. Who was Lafayette T
The Lame Newsboy
By VICTOR LESHEIt. Paniugrovo St.
A small boy with the Evening Ledger
under his arm came limping up to the big
automobile.
"Paper, mlstert" he piped.
The old gentleman bought one of the
boy's papers and handing the boy a half
dollar stepped Into the car.
Dazed by thta sudden good fortune the
boy forgot about the automobile till It
was whirled out of sight The boy then
realized that the man was one of tha
rich run of the city!
That night In a fashionable house on
Chestnut street the old gentleman sat at
the table.
Qreat was tha gentleman's surprise
to see the lama newsboy enter tha door.
"Mister, here's 49 cents J owe you,"
said the boy. Walking forward at once
HONOR ROLL CONTEST
The following children won money
prlie for submitting the beat answer
to "Thins to Know and 1)0," for tho
week endlor March III
Madeline Cuneo, Bailer street, St.
esn Clark, North Uroad street, SO
cents, ,
Mary Near, Coral street, tS rents.
Alice Weed, South 01th street, IS
cent.
Arthur Smith, North 18th street, tg
cents.
George Pcdane, Christian street, X5
cent.
to the old man, ha placed tha money in
his hand and walked out of the room.
Although the boy received no reward,
ha showed the old man that there war
honest as well as dishonest boys.
AN ACCIDENT "Why, Johnny," Baid Johnny's mother, "you've got jm
lnmn nn vnur heml. You've been flcrhtinc acrainl" "Fichtm'," answerM
T-l IXT- Ml Tf.fA linn, in nn nurtirlnnf " "An nnniflnnf?" PYtlatlBn
his anxious mother. "Yes. I was sitting on Dennis McGraw and I Wil
to hold his feet."
13
PTTVtO riOT'CC OVnnlini- Mrtii ttiilri von T fftlil Vnll VP.tfPrdflV
about the materials from which your dresses are made silk, wool and wttaH
Let me see how well you remember. Catherine, where did the goods for 7M
ciress comu lruiu. imucriuc i ". b" " "" uwv " " o.n-vi.. - . otj
That's correct; and yours, Jane? Jane Part of mine grew on tho badceitg
sheep and the rest of it came from a silkworm. Teacher Very goodl Am J
yours, Sally? Sally (with a very red face) Mine, mine came irom an i
ono of mamma's.
m
Pin Money News
Can you see the boy? Yes, I can see
the boy. Why
does the uoy
mile? He ha re
ceived seventy. U
(18) cents. What
did the boy do to
Ket the 16 ceutsf
Ha Joined the
IMS - SIONKY
It BUITU'H
II A I N II O W
OLtin. Did ha
earn the money
easllyT e "u"
If you would like
to earn omo mon- W1S c,.vtoV
ey easily, write to LHW1S ciM.Kro,-,
Farmer Smith, Children's Editor, the
Evening Ledger,
Our Postoflice Box
nrt.-.. j- a,i. TT 1. TU11U
ner has Joined the Rainbow Club) HeMj
the great big genial trafllc pollcemsn, wJ
watches over the little children who 13
in tne neighborhood or uroau -gi
lumbla avenue. The Sydenham Stn"
Rainbows are rsponslble for this Ji
tlnguished member. The little girls in t
branch circle are Anna Naulty, 'tatwni
Emma Schmidt. Qertruda Gallagher, Jy
Qallagher, Marlon Musser, Minnie i
years old and wants to know if Bhe i
leger, Evelyn Lear and Mary AblowJI.
Dorothy Haines, North 6th street,
For Farmer Smith
By Catherine Murray, Danville. , Pa.
Plenty of love and plenty of kisses,
Lots of regards from all little misses ;
As for the boys, well.
I guess they will send
Three rousing cheers for their very best
friend I
&JL jJe&JJr
EDQAU KELLER
JTudssa BL
EDWAnn wurry
Jlermltatt St.
I. W
lsJ
yearn urn uiiu wtiuin w ahuh - .,
old to Join. Dorothy, Dorothy, a rw
know that we have nearly as many jjj
year-old members as wa have S-yJS
So you see you are just a dvvj ra
William Brockerman, North 33d strcvl
button was dispatched to you pwt
., i ....... ,., this ima Is U
aim wo jiuyo mat vi ""- - - -.jic
proudly decorating the lapel of JSSl
iiarry uecKer, nonn i-eruy BMX" TZiWT
that he would like to have the PWM
Box at his home. Just wnat yrj
Harry? Barry Mcauigana vf-ZM
South 33d street, are making ''TJI
strides. Barry's cousin, George J7' JSI
Paciao avenue, Atianua wn rraM
ganlzed a branch club in his fi?3
hood. These young men """'Jfjislll
branch Clubs send in a roomm rii
-ii thai. oiiitiu This is a very P'!
plan, aa It will enable each a.'vlJI
measure up the other divisions swa
pllshments, it would please W?fl
immensely mat me Ya"uu? "Vhi.
of various branches give heed to
gestlon.
... . t. wantf
Nea fanning, iorreouin. -"-ip
editor to wnio sooui i..- -
daddy of yours. Neddie, to ,JSffj
big eye on .tne uuwi ,hin
pretty soon his Ned Is going g,
club news" an to n'""'' ..T man!
South 4th street, wake poU wt ,
about our health; we give &
niv. and Ventura to nope ui
T',;. vT..i ,---
Wu Mvrae.