w
I.
1 DON'T CARE WHAT IT COSTS, BIRSKY, A BIG ARMY TO A COUNTRY
IS LIKE INSURANCE TO A MERCHANT," DECLARES BARNETT M
&?
s&
By MONTAGUE GLASS
ssr
G?
r
Jo?
Illustrations by BRIGGS
"No Matter How Much
It Guts Into His Prof
its, He's Got to Have
Enough of It," Zapp
Continues Convincingly
"But You've Got to Keep on
Paying Premiums for Years
After the Fire," Birsky Re
plies, "and Then You Ain't
Sure You Can Collect on the
Policy, Especially When
You've Got a Total Loss"
"Take the German Army, for In
stance," Birsky Goes On, "And
You've Got to Admit That When
the Kaiser1 Carries Such a Lot of
Insurance as All That You Couldn't
Blamo People for Claiming That
He Started the Fira Himself"
"rnHAT'S all right, too," said Bar-
nctt Zapp, nftcr ho had bitten tho
corner from a cube of sugar and had
inhaled through it a cup of Wasser
bauer's excellent coffee, "I seen plenty
successful merchants which is got such
confidence in their snles forcu that
they ain't hired a new salcsmnn sinco
v1833, y'understand, nnd tho first thing
you know, BirBky, along comes a new
beginner in tho trade with four or five
up-to-date young drummers on his
staff nnd card indexes and loose-leaf
ledgers and everything, nnd ho cuts
away the ground from under the sue.
cessful merchant's toes nnd stnbs him
in the back, understand mo, nnd if it
wouldn't bo that the uscd-to-wns suc
cessful merchant comes around every
three, six nnd nine months to renew
his composition notes, some of his
oldest friends would be writing his
relations to please decide a bet and
kindly inform them by return mail in
inclosed stamped envelope whether it
was diabetes or Bright's disease that
carried him off. And with countries
it's tho same like merchants, Birsky.
If thoy ain't got the salesmen they
couldn't do the business, only instead
of salesmen they've got to got sol
diers." "What comes over you that you are
getting to bo such a philosopher all of
a sudden?" Louis Birsky, tho real
cstatcr, asked.
"Nowadays if you got a heart and
see what is going on in tho old coun
try, Birsky, you've got to be cither a
philosopher or a crank, because when
I am reading in the morning papers
L "YT (
1 Ji l i'r:mm::mBBBt
VkA III MllSSi
Then he goes around to the Navy Department with his samples
how them hard-working people in
Kovno Government odcr Galicia gets
I treated by tho generals on both sides
my first idea is to ring up the store
and have tho bookkeeper tell the con
cerns that I am doing business with
that Mr. Zapp has gone out of town
for a few days with three million sol
diers and three hundred battleships,
and be good enough not to bother Mr.
Zapp about payment of bills or ship
ment of orders ns he would not got
back from the road till he's closed out
a big line of seconds and stickers in
Czars, Kaisers, Kings, Sultans, gen
erals and chancellors."
"Listen, Zapp," Birsky counselled.
"It don't do a business man no good
that people hear him talking such a
nonsense." '
"Say! I nin't no worser as Mr.
Ford that sells all them Fords every
year," Zapp said.
"If you sold as many waists as Mr.
Ford sells Fords you would got a right
to be a crunk like Mr. Ford," Birsky
retorted.
"Gott soil huten!" Zapp exclaimed,
"I onl said I was going, whereas Mr.
Ford goes to work and iocs, and he
ain't got the three million soldiers,
neither."
"Mr. Ford don't believe in hnving
no three million soldiers," Birsky snid.
"Tho last thing ho says before going
on board tho ship is that when he get"? i
back, he is going to stop an alligator
which is chasing up nnd down the land
talking that we should have a big
army and navy."
"Say!" Zapp protested. "What does
Mr. Roosevelt care if Mr. Ford says
he is nn alligator? When Mr. Roose
velt was President of the United
States, if some one in Wall .street cnlls
him only an alligator, I bet yer he
would of considered it a compliment
already. And anyhow when it conies
right down to saying things, Mr.
Bryan goes to the dock to sec Ford
off, and he says to Ford: 'God bless
you,' which if I was going to sail on
a steamer and Mr. Bryan says: 'God
bless you,' to me, Birsky, I would take
out marine, accident, fire and life in
surance, and at the last moment de
cide to stay at home."
"Never mind, Zapp, Mr. Bryan is
right. Ho don't believe in having no
three million soldiers, neither. It
costs enough to run the country as
it is."
"I don't care what it co3ts, Birsky,
a big army to a country is like in-1
suranco to i. merchant. No matter
how much it cuts into his profits, he's
got to have enough of it."
"Enough is one thing and too much
another," Birsky declared. "Take the
German army, for instance, and you've
got to admit that when tho Kniscr
carries such a lot of insurance as all
that you couldn't blame people for
claiming that he started the fire him
self. Furthermore, a big army is a
funny kind of insurance, Zapp. You've
got to keep on paying prcmidms for
years after the fire, and even then you
nin't sure that you can collect on tho
policy, especially when you've got a
total loss."
"That's whore you make a big mis
take," Zapp said. "A big army is
such a kind of insurance that if a
country carries as much as its com
petitor, Birsky, it would never have
to have a loss at all."
"But Mr. Bryan says "
"Who cares what Mr. Bryan says?"
Zapp interrupted. "Mr. Bryan thinks !
preparefulness ain't necessary because
living out in Lincoln, Neb., y'under
stand, he figures that if Sweden lands
on army in South Brooklyn, under
stand me, they would first try to do
business in New York, Philadelphia,
Boston, Atlantic City and Baltimore,
after which they would make Chicago,
St Louis, Cincinnati and Cleveland,
with n stop-over at Sarahcuse, Roch
ester, Buffalo nnd Detroyit, and lr,
Bryan argues that all this takes so
much time, y'understand, that tho
United States wouldn't have to raise
an nrmy or Mr. Bryan's income tax
until tho Swedes reach Minneapolis
nnd St. Paul."
"They reached there already," Bir
sky commented.
"I am talking serious, Birsky," Zapp
said, severely. "Which it ain't only
the plnce where a man lives, but also
what for a business ho is in, which
makes him believe in preparefulness
oder not, Tako yourself nnd Mr.
Bryan, for example. Just becauso you
aro in the real estate business nnd he
is in the lecture business, you don't
neither of you give a cent what be
comes of the country. Whereas, if
you was both in the warship business
like this hero Cramps, then that's
something else again."
"Listen, Zapp," Birsky interrupted.
"Mr. Cramps is welcome to his war
ship business. I onco used to was in
the human hair goods business and I
know what I am talking about. In
1900 the women is wearing so much
false hnir that I thought I was mnk
ing a fortune nlready. So I went to
work and bought everything I could
lay my hands on it didn't mako no
difference if it was cut oft" a horse or
a converted laundryman, and when I
had got my last cent invested word
comes from Paris that it is now the
fashion for ladies to he pretty near
bald already. That's the way it is in
2iiyL
"and have the bookkeeper tell
the concern that Mr. Zapp has
gone out of town."
$
fgri'nTmg , TnflM f 'IfiMi in nW
8-""""trT5 alwlftiSi! If ui in sEafl
In 190!) the women is wearing so much hair I
said. "The country that tUrtl
I imruig, never gets inroughpF
nnd tho results is thatthsll
I tired scrapping ncrfeill rJ
chincrv. so that one HiV J
!
l
starts."
Ipifl
$Bi
the warship business. Mr. Cramps '
makes up what ho thinks is an up-to-the-minute
line of solid-masted bat
tleships with 13-inch guns and trim
med with armor five feet below the
water. Then he goes round to the high up says: 'Look-a-tart
Navy Department with his samples, I up this stuff before it pa
and while he is waiting for the buyer
to come in, ho couldn't help smiling
like he is snying to himself: 'Here is
whore I hand him a rcgulnr knockout.'
Whereas ho is hardly got his trunks
open when the buyer says: 'Why, you
poor Ncbichl' and it scorns that over
night already people is now using only
lattice-work masts and lG-inch guns,
while the armor trimming is got to l
run clear to tho hem, and tho conse
quence is Mr. Cramps has got, to
close 'em out to a concern like China
or Venezuela, which is such slow pay,
y'understand, that so long ns the terms
is easy it don't make no difference to !
them how the goods is made up."
"Sure, I know," Zapp said, "but if
you are going in for preparefulness,
you've got to have the latest thing in
guns and warships."
"Well, that's the trouble,"
data on us. Wo bouchlil
ourselves against Haiti, s'rnj
time we're gouig to do it'
say to Haiti: Wit You'it
again, aro you? Up toyoari
What? We'll learn yoa to
with a peace-loving nation
United States,' and that'f tic
starts."
"And if Haiti ain't
against us she is up agalsst
eniil "r.nfl i'i't i.t'rt" ''
OlllVt, ..V .-H VW0U. T
"Sure, I know," Birsky a
after all, it's only a
whether you would sooner,qeB
oi money irom preparing m
lot of money from notbelrigpw
And that's tho way it is with
fulness. It's one of then tirt
propositions wnore it yoon
I vice, you're in a damslte yW
O'BOLGER RAPS MOVIES
AS VULGAR MASS
Continued from 1'bbp One
gambling. Bcncrnl licentiousness and
cheap bravura
"I think I may Hny beforehand what
ftho remainder will be: FlrHt, exaggerated
husks, either wealth raised to thi nth
power by means of limousines and costly
looking people In costly looking clothing
nnd surroundlnRg, or poert Kfiioiuily
depressed to the son-lout nadir, for In tho
world of movinif-plcturo fortune, all It
extremity: moderation means death to
the class of story and acting Involved.
In the second place, there will be left
a half rabbin of grotesque ligures to
fill theso husks, men and women 111
concelved and lll-portiayed, living a lift,
of frenetic passion, going and coming .it
all times at degree of tension thut would
have Solomon a lunatlo and Kandow a
wreck within a month.
"The situation, however. Is by no means
all styglan blackness; not even the mov
ing picture can practice Its affairs without
learning something about life. It has
learned, among other things, that theio
la a quality of public Interest that Is not
necessarily prurient or dense. It has
found that It Is possible to Interest tho
populace In stirring events other than
those promoted by the whisky bottle, the
hypodermic syringe, the cigarette case
and the teapot. There Ii no doubt that
the Influence of scenes of stirring action,
of highly accelerated motion, of pictures
of vessels at sea and engines of all kinds
In Ingenious motion Is tonic to the nerv
ous syBtem and to the blood It Is unques
tionable that the public sense of the look
of the world In strange, Ilttle-vlsited
quarters has been mildly educated; but
I am afraid that the pedagogue Inclines
to overrate the beneficial Influences of
auch glimpses of I'athe's weekly world
as ore granted us.
"Were a 'palace' today to offer an un
varied bill of such plctuies to its patrons,
I am afraid It would be out of favor by
next week. The moving pictuie by Its
abuse of tho hysterical and far-fetched
in action, motive and sentiment has so
debauched the popular Interest that It
wants only screamers and thrillers In
the field of the tragic and the pathetlu
and the grotesque in the field of thu
comlo (which Is, Indeed, all that It Is
capable of handling), The public suffers
the educative film rather than desire It.
The bulk of the Interest Is of the
scream' order.
In conclusion the speaker said;
"If our schools were rightly equipped
with good teachers of elqcutlon and with
physical courses that would make the
carriage of the children a beautiful thing
instead of the brutal thing of the modern
football arena we might then have plays
by young people that would bring parents
and friends Into the presence of better
things. With this might be combined a
play by ambitious young people of the
neighborhood In which good local talent
Would find a representation, and the com
munity would find Interest and education.
In this way the best ambltloiu of the
stage might be revived, creative and re.
productive talent encouraged, a helpful
use made of our school rooms and a
healthy counter-Influence exerted against
U)e poor service of the moving-picture
xvorld. The cost would not be great, the
profit in the circumstances, looking at
profit Jn the larger sense of a care for
what might be done of benefit Xor us all,
weuld be tremendous.
'Meantime, outriders like the Society for
th Extension of University Teaching are
in the saddle. They are trying to pro-
obhi unju u Mir vripimng conuitlons) I
;$mthro hstwiu etert a wholesome
op'
ENTIRE CITY PRAYS THAT
Y. W. C. A. 'JINX' MAY END
Continued from I'agp One
prayers wll bo said tonight for tho asso
ciation. Hoard members, members of tho asso
ciation and olllclnls and workers of the
Interstate Held Committee all ngret that
there Is a mysterious something on which
no one can put his lingers, that mnr.i the
ussorlatlon spirit. It Is a "Jinx," to uso
slang.
"There Is a hoinrthlng. a spirit of criti
cism, thut I cannot fathom." said Mis.
Cyrus IX Foss, of CHerbmok, one of the
vice presidents, nnd widow of the Into
Bishop Cyrus D. Koss, when naked If she
knew Just what has called forth the ex
tensive criticism of tho local associa
tion. "I fiel It. I cannot find out what It Is
or where It comes from, but I have been
trying hard to discover Just what that
spirit Is. Theio me other members of
the bourd who feci it, too, and we me
uxlous tod o what we can to make tho
association of the greatest possible bene
: lit to the girls of the city who need It.
"I do not know Just how much of the
j criticism wo merit." she added, "but I do
j know that since the new president,
.Mrs. Joseph A Hudson, took alike, there
I have been muny changes In tho central
I building. The place has been cleaned up
in tiuiy marvelous manner The cooking,
I know, has improved, because often I
eat there myself. Then, too, there Is a
matron there nil nlsht every night, so
that no girl will be turned away at night
at uii) hour If she applies for a room
unless she Is under the Influence of liquor;
In that case the mutiou has instructions
to call a policeman.
"Yes, things are vasll changed but we
are not through," she added with a smile.
"We want everything done for the girls
that can be done. We want to live up to
the Ideals of the true Young Women's
Christian Association for the girls of the
third largest city In the United States.
I really am criticising mself becauso I
cannot get at the bottom of the trouble.
the lack of business management or co
operation, or whatever It Is, with which
the Young Women's Christian Associa
tion Is charged Hut wo are all trjing our
best, and we hope to solve the difficulty."
Ilecause of this something which no one
Is able to fathom, the Field Committee,
which has control of the States of I'enn
slvanla, Delaware and Marjland, refuses
the Philadelphia Central Y W. C. A.
official recognition, and Instead is giv
ing Indorsement to the Llusiness Women's
Christian Association, of 1101-06 Glrard
street. .
Again, because of this same something
and the claim that the board of managers
of tho Central Y. W. C, A. failed to keep
its promise to put aside the old manage
ment and put in what is called the "met
ropolitan system." members of the
Finance Committee, who co-operated in
the 1300,000 campaign for a new building
a few years ago, have refused to hand
over the money.
Women of the association declare that
they made no such pledge, and that they
never Intended to Install the metropolitan
system. The matter Is being discussed
and on Monday morning matters of Im
portance relative to this will cdme up.
inui is wny women ana girls or the city
are offering prayers
Bil-skv I nnd that's nil there is faV
'4,-
"Seven years before you were born my father turned
me out. He gave me $500. In the end I brought the
name of Wayne back, and today it stands high.
Here are $500. It is the last money you'll ever have
from me.
"Whatever happens to you, remember this: Red Hill
does not belong to a Lansing nor to a Wayne. It is the
eternal mother of us all. Broken or mended, Lansings and
Waynes have come back to the Hill through generations.
Remember that."
Leg Cut Off, Dies in Hospital
Joseph Oronsteln, 32 years old, of
lixabeth, N. J., a brakeman on the
Philadelphia and Reading Hallway, died
In the EpUcopal Hospital early today af
ter having his leg cut off by a freight
car at 5th and Bristol streets. Bronsteln
was attempting to couple two cars when
be slipped.
.1 ,
' ;