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The Professor Marrying a Cook.
Some years since, when I was in col
lege, we had amongst our "faculty " a
curious personage, whom every one re
garded with considerable respect, and
yet as a character sui generis. He had
lived many years without a wife, and
expected to live so always. Indeed, as
he was the professor of mathematics,
the abstraction of his science forbade
his indulging in the idea of getting
married. To the female sex, therefore,
he showed no other regard than com
mon politeness required. His character
was purely negative. Of course, he was
not popular with the ladies, and they
kept themselves at a distance from him.
But circumstances that often bring
about a match in other cases, placed
him in a peculiar dilemma. It seemed
a whim that a necessity was laid upon
him to get married.. He was one of the
faculty of the college—all the other pro
fessors were married and obliged to en
tertain the distinguished visitors of the
institution. He had always boarded.
Of course, it was never expected of
him that he should give a party or
or dinner. But it began to be regarded
as rather mean in him to shirk off this
matter from year to year, and, " well
off as he was pecuniarily," to throw
upon the other members of the faculty
the cost and trouble of entertaining
special friends and patrons of the col
lege. The question was, therefore, fre
quently asked:
" Why doesn't the old miser entertain
some of the distinguished visitors that
visit us?"
Now, our professor wasn't a miser at
all, and it often troubled him to think
he was so situated that lie couldn't bear
his part of burden. And yet, what
could do? Must he get married? And
if so, to whom? He had no special re
gard for any one in the vicinity of the
college, and no one had any special re
gard for him. In his younger days he
had seen at school a young lady, in the
city of New York, in whom he had felt
a peculiar interest. Butof her lie hadn't
heard for years. Doubtless before this
time she was married or in her grave.
Possibly, however, she was still living
and waiting for him ! ( llorious thought!
He was quite relieved at it, though, in
deed, there might be no foundation Mr
his relief. Nevertheless he could make
due inquiry. Nor could he long delay,
for commencement day was at hand,
only a few weeks off. It was his turn,
or rather would be if he was married,
to give the great dinner to the distin
guished personages who would be pre
sent on the occasion. There would be
the Governor of the State, and his lady
—the trustees of the institution and
their friends, and others of equal re
pute. But whophould be master of cere
monies? And who should grace the
table? He could square the circle per
haps, but such a circle as this, what
could he do with? If he were only
married what a helpmeet °would his
wife be at such a time. And yet, his
wife must be a good looking, intelli
gent and accomplished lady ; otherwise
the blank would be a blot !
Now there was a young lady in the
neighborhood that the professor thought
might answer. He had seen her at his
boarding house, and spoken to her once
or twice.
"But, she may say no," and if she
did, " where in creation," thought he,
" could- I hide my head? And then
what would become of the dining?"
The Governor must have a dinner and
he must have a wife. And hence he
lay awake about it all night. At last
as the morning broke he cried out to
himself, " Contempt! She will say no,
will she? What then? Other men
have lived through it, and I shall. If
not, I shall have a clear conscience
about the dinner, and a clear conscience
is the main thing, after all! I will
write a note to Miss A. anyway. It
may be she will regard it favorably. So,
the professor sat down and wrote a note
to Miss A. " Stay a minute," said he
to himself, "what will he Governor
think of the lady? She is handsome
and polite, but can she converse? Can
she entertain company Doubtful,"
said he to himself, very doubtfdl ; and
so he tore up the note ! for a
man on the verge of matrimony ! In
an hour or two, however, the Professor
called on the President and said :
" I should like to be absent a few
days ?"
"Ah !" said the President, " just at
tins time?"
"Yes, sir, I have my classes in readi
ness for the examination, and I wish to
,go to New York."
" Has any death occurred in the
family ?" said the President.
" No, sir," said the Professor, " but I
have a little matter of business that re
quires my immediate attention, and I
thought it best to go." -
" You ha'Ve my best wishes," said the
President, " and may you return safely
and not alone."
The Professor almost smiled, but
blushed rather than smiled, and left the
President, and hastened to New York.
His first inquiry on his arrival there,
was for Miss Adeline G., the young
lady whom he had seen some years be
fore, at school, as we have mentioned.
" Why," said the respondent, " the
family has been reduced, and she is a
cook. Perhaps you don't know it, sir`:"
"A cook!" said he, "that is just
what I want!"
" Oh !" said the lady, "we thought
you Wanted something else, possibly."
" No, I have been half starved to
death since I left New York, and I
want some one to cook decently."
"Well, she can do that, forshe scarce
ly has her equal in thatline, in thiscity.
Why, sir, she is a cook, pqr excellence."
" And how she look?"
"She is the handsomest in the city,
too."
"Not quite that, I presume," said the
Professor, " but is she intelligent —I
speak confidentially."
" Intelligent! She is indeed—she
can converse like an angel."
" And as to manners. Is she accom
plished?"
"As graceful as an actress."
"When can I see her ?"
" At eight o'clock this evening."
" Couldn't I see her before that
hour?"
" I think that would be the most con
venient time for her to call, and to see
you. She will be engaged in her duties
till then."
" I will wait then. Please to tell her
that Professor Mack, of Virginia, wishes
to see her—an old acquaintance.of hers.' ,
"Shall I tell her that you wish to en
gage a cook?
" Yeu may tell her that I wish to see
her," said the Professor.
" What name did you say ?"
" Professor Mack, of Virginia, if you
please, madam."
eiantaotet $/lttctligcm?,et.
VOLUME 66.
An everlasting long day was before
him and he had nothing to do ; not a
problem to solve, except the one in hand,
and that was of doubtful-solution.
Eight o'clock at last came, and the
Professor called again to see the young
lady.
" A cook, indeed !"said the Professor
to himself ; " she is a splendid woman
fit to grace any parlor in the world?"
But how in creation should he make
known his business? Poets, they say,
begin in the middle of their story, but 1
professors of mathematics, where •do
they begin? Finally, said the suitor,
"Miss 0., how would you like to go to
Virginia ?"
"To Virginia!" said she, as if sur
prised. "Are you not mistaken in the
person whom you wished to see?"
" No, no," said he, " don't you re
member when we both attended school
in Franklin street ?"
" Oh," said she, it is George Mao -I
rememberyou well ; why, I didn't know .
that you were alive!"
" And I have never forgotten you."
" Ah ! indeed, you are very kind to
remember me so long ! I thought every,
one had forgotten me in my ealami
ties."
" People often think they are over
looked when trials overtake them ; -but
it is for you to say that your present
trialS are at an end."
" Professor Mack ! what do you mean?
Why I am a mere—"
" If you have had reverses I have
had success, and have the means of
making you comfortable for life."
" Rut you do not know my circum
stances now, for I would not deceive
you, George ?"
" It does not concern me what you
are now, but what you are willing to
be."
" But I have an aged another, Pro-
fe , ,or '
" I wish to have one; she can
go, too."
Matters were soon arranged as to time,
place, and ceremony, and this being
over, the party were off for Virginia—
the Professor pleased that lie had solved
the mathematical problem so easily,
and the lady that sloe was no longer at
the world's bidding.
In the country of Virginia great ado
is made for a newly married couple. Of
course much was expected in the case of
the Professor. But some " bird in the
air" carried the story in advance, that
Professor Mack had married a cook !
What lady then would call upon her
What society could.the F, F. V.'s of
Virginia have with a cook ! But the
President advised his wife to cull upon
her out of decency, at least. If the Pro
fessor had married a cook, why, he didn't
know any hotter. All that he knew was
how to silve problems in mathematics.
Besides, lie might pot have married a
cook, or if he had he was well off in one
respect—he could have a good table.
" Pshaw !" says the President's lady,
" what does a person care about a table
in comparison to caste in society ?"
Caste in society will do well
enough," he replied, "but since we
must eat to live, a well roasted turkey
is better than a fried chicken, and a
short biscuit than an ash-cake! And
what does an epicure care for ceremony?
A good cup of coffee is better."
" You are no Virginian, husband,
otherwise you would never say that,
for anybody knows that nobility in a
log cabin is better than a cook in a
palace!"
"Well, call on the lady andsee—theo
ries are often good for nothing, whilst
practice is the sum of perfection!"
The Presidentess called and was
amazed—the cook was much her su
perior—and she felt it.
The other officers' ladies having
heard that the President's wife had
called on Mrs. Mack, were obliged ac
cording to custom to follow suit. They,
too, were disappointed, for the New
Yolk lady hadn't lived in a city in vain.
In mind, in manner, in accomplish
ment she outranked them all ! Besides,
in respect to family, she was not at all
inferior—her father having had fortune
once and lost it.
Commencement day was now near at
hand, and the great dinner was to come
oil' at the Professor's. Nor was Mrs.
Mack at all disconcerted about it. She
had seen a thing or two before, and was
fully confident in her own ability :to
meetlhe exigency.
When the time arrived, all eyes were
fixed on Mrs. Mack. How would she
appear in the presence of the Governor
of Virginia? How in the pesence of the
Professors and the President? And
what sort of a table would she set, and
h INV would she grace it? Could she go
through it with dignity ?
Of course, all this was enough " to
try men's souls," but Mrs. Mack was
perfectly at home.
In etiquette—in conversation—in the
arrangement of all the circumstantials
and in all the formalitiesof the accasion
she showed herself equal to the duties
devolving upon her, and evidently in
terested the l ;overnor very much by her
powers of conversation. What a
charming lady," said he to his wife,
"is Mrs. Mapk! and what a table she
set ! how well she graces it !"
"My dear husband," said she, "do
you know she is a New York cook—why,
she has been a mere servant for many
years !''
" I know nothing about that," said he
"but if she was, I wish every other lady
was a servant, and New York cook,
too. We should have something to eat
then, my dear, besides fried chickens
and ashcake."
" All men are not epicures like you,
Governor."
" \o—but if they were they would
imitate the mathematical Professor, and
go to New York to get a wife. A man
wouldn't be compelled then to go to a
saloon tolget a decent dinner ! He could
rind ode at home—now a great rarity."
Theodore Tilton was not very
gallant to the Chicago ladies in his ad
dress there lately. He said there were
more ways of recruiting our army than
one. There were two soldiers once in
Grant's army, lying beneath their
blahkets looking up at the stars in a
Virginia sky. Says, Jack :
" What made you go into the army,
Toml?"
" Well," replied Tom, " I had no wife
and I loved war. What made you go
to the war, Jack ?"
" Well," he replied, " I had no wife
and I loved peace, so I went to the
war."
He doubted not that among the faii
faces he saw before him, many had con
tributed to swell the ranks of the army
in both ways.
The generality of men more easily
forgive a rival than a faithless woman
—unlike women who always hate the
female rival more than the faithless
lover.
A Kingly Fable
BY DR. DORAI'C
There is a story told of an anonymous
king, the moral of which may be well
applied by all sovereigns. The old
monarch, when dying, called his son to
him, put in his hand the sceptre, and
then asked him if he could take advice
as easily as he had taken from his father
the symbol of authority. The young
heir, grasping the sceptre tightly, and
hinting at the excellence of brevity in
counsel as well as .in wit, said, under
the circumstances, " he could."
"I will be brief as my breath," an
swered the abdicating monarch, " and
that is short enough. You look upon
the world, boy, as a house of pleasure ;
now, hear better fr6rn me. Woe, my
lad, tumbles in pailfuls, and good luck
is only distilled in drops."
The son looked doWn at his now silent
sire, and found he was dead. The new
king commanded a splendid funeral,
and arranged a grand hunting party for
the day after. He laughed at the pa
ternal simile, and, to publish its weak
ness and his own felicity, he caused to
be placed above his palace a large silver
toned bell ; a rope passed from it to
each room which he occupied. "I will
ring it," said he, " whenever I feel
thoroughly happy. I have no doubt
that I shall weary my own arm and
deafen my people's ears."
For a whole month the bell was silent.
" I have had my hand on the rope,"
said the king, "fifty times, but I felt
that I was hardly happy enough to pro
claim it to my people; but we have got
over our first difficulties, and to-mor-
On the morrow, as he was boasting of
the fidelity and friendship of one of his
ministers, he learned that his friend and
servant was in the habit of betraying
the contents of his private despatches
to a neighboring potentate, from whom
the traitor received stars and crosses in
return. The king sighed, "We shall
not toll the bell, then, to-day ; but as
suredly to-morrow."
In the morning he rode over to the
ouse of the mistress of his heart.—
There," he remarked to himself, as he
went along in that pace which used to
lie observed by the pilgrims to Canter
bury, and which in England has taken
its name from :the first two syllables of
the city's name—" there I have never
found disappointment." What he did
find he never told ; but on his re
turn to the palace, when his groom of
the chambers looked interrogatively be
tween hint and the bell-rope, the mon
arch simply twisted the end of the
latter into a noose, and angrily mutter
ed, as lie flung it down again. " Would
to heaven that they were both hanging
from it together !"
On the following day he philosophi
cally reviewed his case. " I have been
unreasonable," lie said ; " why should
I grieve because I have been betrayed
by a knave, and jilted by a girl with
golden hair ? I have wide dominions,
a full. treasury, a mighty army;laugh
ing vineyards, verdant meadows, a peo-
pie who pay taxes as if they loved them
and God's free air to breathe in. I may
be happy Yet," added he, advancing to
the window—" nay, 1 am !" and he
reached his hand to the rope. He was
on the very point of ringing at it with
good will, when he saw a sight without
and heard a voice within, which made
him pause.
A messenger was at his feet. " Oh,
Sire !" exclaimed the bringer of bad
tidings, " thou seest the dust, the fires,
and the gleam of arms without. The
foe has broken in upon the land, and
terror is before and devastation behind
" Nov, a curse upon kingship, tha
brings a wretched monarch evils like
these!" cried the king who wanted to
be happy. The courier hinted some
thing about the miseries of the people.
" By that Lady of Hate, whose church
is in Brittany," cried the Prince, " thou
art right! I thought to pull lustily at
the bell, but I will as lustily pull at my
sword in the sheath, and see if there be
not virtue in that. How came in the
foe? and who commands them?"
The answer to this double query told
him that the enemy could not have en
tered had not his despatches been be
trayed to the invader ; and that the van
of the army was under the command of
a prince, whose name was no sooner
uttered to the king than ;the latterturn
ed red with fury, and exclaimed, "Ile!
—then I shall ring the bell yet. I will
have his life and the lady "
He said no more, but went out, fought
like a man, cleared the land of the foe,
hung the traitor with all his orders on
him, maimed the young leader of the
hostile vanguard past sympathy from
Cupid, and returned to his capital in
triumph. He had so much to employ
him after his return, so much to accom
plish for the restoration of the fortunes
of his people, so much to mediate upon
for future accomplishment, that when
at night he lay down upon his couch,
weariness upon his brow, but a shade of
honest joy upon his cheek, he had fairly
forgotten the silver bell in his turret,
and the ropes which depended from it.
And so he grew grey and infirm, never
turning from his work till the Inevita
ble Angel looked smilingly in his faee,
and began to beckon Inn away.
•
He; was sitting upright in his easy
chair, pale as death, but still at his
ministry, till his eyes grew dim, his
head sank on his breast, and there was,
without, a sound of wailing. "What
voices are those?" asked he softly :
" what is there yet for me to do?"
His chancellor stooped over him as
he now lay on a couch, and whispered,
" Our father is departing from among
us, and his children are at he threshold
in tears."
" Let them in ; let them come in ;"
hoarsely cried the king. " God! do they
really love me ?"
" If there were a life to be purchased
here, 0 ! worthy Sire, they would pur
chase thine with their blood." The
crowd streamed silently in, to look once
more upon the good old king, and to
Mourn at his departure. He stretched
his hand towards them, and asked:
" Have I won your love, children ? have
I won your love ?" One universal af
firmative reply, given from the heart,
though given with soft expression,
seemed to bestow on the dying monarch
new life. He raised himself on the
couch, looked like an inspired saint,
and tried to speak, but failed in the at
tempt. None the less happy, he looked
up to God, glanced to the turret where
hung the bell, extended his hand to the
rope, gave - one pull, and died, with a
smile on his lips, as he rang his own
knell.
—People who attend church are very
apt to close their eyes during the scat
tering of the Divine seed as they do at
the barber shop when their heads are
powdered.
LANCASTER, PA., WEDNESDAY MORNING, JANUARY 25, 1865.
Flora's Tributaries.
Flora Maynard is, generally speaking,
a happy and contented girl. It may be
needful to mention thiq fact, because, at
the momentwhen I must introduce her
to you, the expression of her counte
nance might justify a different opinion.
In fact, she had been looking out of the
library window for the lasE five minutes,
with a scowl on herforehead that would
have done credit to a small thunder
cloud.
It was a glorious autumn afternoon ;
and the owners of horses seemed per
fectly aware of the fact; for a brilliant
cavalcade of carriages and -riders had
been passing for half an hour in the di
rection of the avenue which led out of
the city,
"Such a splendid day for a ride!"
said Flora to herself aloud. " And there
is Amy Reed on her little black pony,
a birthday gift from her uncle. I wish
I had an uncle that cared enough for me
to give me a pony. It's no use ; I shall
never have anything half . so beautiful.
There ! she is looking this way. How
proud she is ! I won't bow ; she does not
care for me now that she has her pony."
And so Flora went on, persuading
herself that she was really a very un
happy young person, quite neglected by
all the world, her dearest friend included.
It so happened that her mother and
sisters had gone out before Flora's re
turn from school, and that, perhaps,
added to her misanthropic mood. It
may be- that the little girl was more
tired than usual ; at all . events, as she
leaned her hot cheek against the cush
ions of her chair, things indoors and out
began to assume rather unusual shapes
and attitudes.
Presently a tiny voice fell upon her
ear, so soft and so near that it must have
been in the folds of her dress. " What
will they have, these human creatures,'
said the voice, " when the whole orld
cannot furnish treasures rich and varied
enough to make them happy ? In the
beautiful valley of Switzerland, from
which I came, thousands of men, women
and children toil day and night to make
and burnish watches for these wealthy
tyrants, whose money makes alt the
people in the world their slaves."
" You are right there," said a softer
voice, which seemed to proceed from
Flora's dress of crimson cashmere.—
" And not only human beings toil that
these may be gratified, but every crea
ture in land and sea seems laid under
tribute. Why, a sober sheep can t so
much as pick up an honest living in
' the sunny vales of cool Cashmere,' or
on the green mountain slopes of Spain,
but presently she is invited to part with
her mantle of wool for the benefit of
some little mistress on this side of the
world, who wears it with never a 'thank
you.' Nor is this all; for the original
color is not good enough for her, and
millions of harmless insects must yield
up their life-blood to dye it this beauti
ful crimson. Just so it was in ancient
times, when every robe of imperial pur
ple cost the lives of a million innocen
creatures; at least, so I have learner
from my cousin the sheepskin, who en
folds that great:Cyclopedia. But it
those days the world had only one Em
peror, or two at the most; now every
merchant's daughter wears garments
fit for a princess."
Before she had finished, a deep sigh
seemed to shake the whole frame of the
chair where Flora was sitting. " Did
you ever hear of those grand old forests
tropical America, where the life of Na
ture was so long uninvaded by the con
quering forces of man ? There was my
home ; there, a mighty tree, I waved
my leafy branches for a hundred years
before a white face ever peered into our
wild retreat. But now the deep and
charmed recesses of Nature are laid open
and her costliest treasures despoiled ;
for kingly man must have rosewood for
his cabinets, gorgeous plumage and dyes
for his apparel, and potent drugs to heal
the effects of his luxury.
The carpet spoke in a lower tone
" Was ever on earth such pride as these
human creatures display? Common
ground is too coarse for them to tread
upon; even the fine woods of the forest,
smoothed by the nicest art, are too hard
for their dainty feet, and gorgeous car
pets, which three hundred years ago
their proudest monarchs would have
envied, are now needful to the comfort
of every common plebeian."
Flora moved uneasily, and a littte
cambric handkerchief fell on the floor.
A faint, perfumed sight arose, which
seemed to say 7" Ali, yes! and they are
not satisfied with the tribute rendered
to sovereigns, but musthave the incense
due to gods. A million of flowers have
yielded their sweet lives to perfume the
toilette of my little lady here. The vast
rose-gardens of Southern France send
their fragrant breath over the sea, to add
one more luxury for her enjoyment."
The gleam of a scarlet feather now
caught - Flora's attention ; for the little
tuft of plumes on her turban seemed in
an unusual flutter. " None of your
civilized life for me!" said a soft hut
spirited voice. " I came from the great
wild continent of Africa, and little you
tamed creatures know of the wonders I
have seen. Ah! what a chase we had
over the plains that day of my capture !
We sold ourselves dear, if human breath
is of any account. Those mighty hunt
ers, I presume, must be vassals of my
sovereign lady, or she must exert some
magical power over them, for they
scoured over leagues of sand as if their
very lives depended on success—and
only to get a handful of feathers for her
hat!"
A clear but quiet tone came from the
ring on Flora's finger. " This all-con
quering man is not content with rifling
the earth's surface of its beauty, but
must plunge into its depths, and un
cover dark, recesses, which have lain
hidden since the foundation of the
world. Every mine must give up its
treasures, the mountain-veins their
gold, Brazil and Golconda their dia
monds, the very ocean its pearls, and
all to adorn these thankless children of
men, who accept all this tribute as if
they were sovereigns born to receive it."
Flora moved uneasily in her dream,
but a spell seemed to rest upon her,
while another voice, grander than all
the rest, sounding indeed like a concert
of innumerable voices, yet gentle and
subdued as the sighing of the forest in
a breeze, proceeded from the stately
ranks of books that adorned the shelves:
" So was it written from the begin
ning, that all this wondrous globe,
with the life of bird and beast, the
grandeur of the forest and the wealth
of the mine, should be for the service of
man, whom God created in his own
image. For him the ages have toiled—
for him the mountains were builded
and the seas enchained within their
rocky barrier—for him the winds fulfill
their mission and the seasons follow
each other in one constant circle, bring
ing food and gladness. And more—for
him, the ma; of to•day, men of all past
ages have toiled, and „suffered, and
sought out knowledge from the hidden
mines of truth, so that the wisdom of
the past is the richest treasure he enjoys.
But is it because man is absolute mon
arch that all these trea,sures are poured
out at his feet? No, he himself is but a
subject prince, and owes a constant
tribute of grateful praise and reverent
love, and unfaltering service to the In
finite Sovereign whose goodness has pro
vided for him all these blessings."
In the silence which followed, Flora
thought she heard another voice, sweet
er but still more solemn than all the
rest, proceeding from the great Bible
which lay upon the table. It seemed to
say, " God so loved the world that He
gave his only begotten son." " And He
died for all, that they which live should
not henceforth live unto themselves,
but unto Him who died for them and
rose again."
It was Flora's own heart that spoke
next. "If all things are ministering to
me, cannot I be of some use to others
Is it really the business of the world to
make me happy ? What have I ever
done for the world, that all world should
be paying me tribute ? And then, that
greatest gift of all—is it so that even God
himself lies bestowed his dearest trea
sure upon us ? upon me ? And have I
not even accepted this unspeakable gift?
What have I to do ? What can I do,
but give my whole self as a tribute of
love and thankfulness to the great Father
in Heaven who has given all to me ?"
A Hidden Treasure
The Emperor Maxamilian, says a Ger
man journal, has a chance of digging
out a hidden treasure. The highly ro-
mantic story is as follows : When Napol
eon the I. dethrened the Bourbons in
Spain, the Mexicans (whose eyes had
been opened by Humbolt to the fact that
they were a nation of seven millions,
subdued by eighty thousand Spaniards)
became encouraged and threw off the
Spanish yoke. The Vice King sent,
during the revolution, four millions of
gold pieces, together with other numer
ous treasures to Madrid. This happened
in June, ISOS. The escort was attacked
by ono hundred men, and massacred,
save one cavalry officer and a few of his
men, who acted in concert with the
robbers k ,, To avoid the vigilance .of the
Government, the bandits concluded to
hide the treasure in the ground, and to
divide it after the expiration of one year.
At the foot of a precipice one thousand
feet high, of a hollow deep in the moun
tain was a cave. There the treasure was
dragged, the cave walled up by the
rocks, the interstices with the earth and
the plants, and finally a little brook was
directed so as to pass, like a cataract
over the place. Now the robbers spread
out the rumor that the whole story of
the robbery was invented by the Vice
King himself, and that he brought the
treasures in safety. The so accused was
called to account. But the robbers did
not enjoy their treasure, for before the
expiration of the year they killed each
other among themselves or were defunct.
A German traveller named Muller, cele-
brated by his climbing the Pic of Orizba,
learned the secret from the lips of an
aged, dying Indian. The Imperial
Government,to whom the place has been
pointed out by Muller, is now in search
for the treasure, as the historical facts
seems to justify the truth of the story.
An Unkind Tear
When I used to tend store at the
" Regulator," in Syracuse, the old man
came round one day, and says he—
" Boys, the one that sells the most
'twist now and Christmas, gets a vest
pattern as a present."
Maybe we didn't work for that vest
pattern! I tell you there were some
tall stories told in praise of goods just
.about that time but the tallest talker
and the one that had more cheek than
any of us was a certain Jonah Squires,
-who roomed with me. He could talk a
dollar out of a man's pocket when a
man intended to spend but six-pence;
and the woman—Lord bless you—they
just 'handed over their pocket-book to
him and let him lay out what he liked
fur them.
One night Jonah woke up with, " By
Josh, old fellow, if you think that er's
got any cotton in it I'll bring down the
sheep it was cut from, and make him
swear to his own wool! 'Twon't wear
out, either—wore a pair of pants that
kind o' stuff myself for five years, and
they're as good now as when I first put
em on! Take it at thirty cents, and
I'll say you don't owe ine anything.
Eh! too dear? Well, call it twenty
eight cents. What d'ye say ? Shall I
tear it? All right—it's a bargain."
I could feel Jonah's hands playin
about the bed-clothes for an install
then rip! tear! went something
other, and I hid my head under the
blankets, perfectly convulsed with
laughter, and sure that Jonah had torn
the sheet from top to bottom. When I
woke up next morning, I found—alas,
unkindest tear of all—that the back o
my night shirt was split from tail to
collar-band !
Spiritual Advice by a Physician.
Old Doctor C. was known as a sk
ful physician, blunt and downright, but
not addicted to churchgoing. Mr. S.,
the sick trader sent for him. The pulse
was examined, the pills dealt out and
the directions given. But as the doctor
was taking up his saddle-bags, Mr. S.
turned to him with a pious look :
" I have a solemn request to make of
you Doctor C.
" What ! of me ? a solemn request of
me?"
" Yes, sir ; it concerns my salvation,
and I hope you won't refuse it."
" Why, bless you, Mr. S., that don't
come in my line; send for the minister."
" But hear me i I feel that I ama very
sick man, and if at any time you see I
am going to die, I want you to let me
know at least three days beforehand."
" But what in the world do you want
to know that for."
" Oh, I don't know that I am prepar
ed to die, and I shall want at least two
or three days to prepare."
" Oh, well, make your preparation,
make your preparation, Mr. S., and if
you don't die it will not be lost to your
customers."
Year Fare, Miss.
A young lady from the rural districts
lately entered a city railroad car. Pret
ty soon the conductor approached her
and said :
"Your fare, Miss."
She blushed and looked confused, bnt
said nothing. The conductor was rath
er astonished at this, but ventured to
remark once more :
" Your fare,
Miss."
This time the pink on- her cheeks
deepened to carnation, as the rustic
beauty replied:
" Well, if I am good lookin,' you
hadn't ought-ter say it out loud afore
folks."
The passengers in the car roared with
laughter, and her lover at once settled
the fare.
piortilautouo.
Report of General Butler on the Wil
mington Expedition.
NEW YORK, Jan. 13, 1885.
A very lengthy despatch has been re
ceived from the Headquarters of the
Army of the Potomac, covering full de
tails of the official report of Gen. Butler
to Gen. Grant of the late Wilmington
expedition. It makes over two columns
of fine type, and' is furnished by
the Secretary of War, at the request of
Gen. Grant.
Gen. Butler states that after embark
ing his force on the transports they were
detained from the 9th to the 13th of
December, waiting for Admiral Porter's
fleet, and joined the transport fleet off
Cape Henry on the 14th. arriving at the
rendezvous off New Inlet, arriving at
near Fort Fisher, on the evening of the
15th, where they waited until the even
ing of the 18th, having the finest weath,
er possible on the evening of the 18th.
Admiral Porter came from Beaufort to
the rendezvous, when the sea became
very rough, and on the 19th the wind
sprang up, rendering it impossible to
land troops, and by the advice of the
Admiral the troops were rendezvoused
at Beaufort. This was a necessity, as
the transports were coaled for ten days,
and that time had been then consumed.
For four days the wind blew a gale,
during which time the transports were
coaled and watered.
At 4 o'clock on the afternoon of the
24th, Gen. Butler came in sight of Fort
Fisher, and found the naval fleet bom
barding it, the powder vessel having
been exploded the morning previous.
Arrangements were then made to land
the troops the next morning under the
cover of the gunboats, as soon as the fire
of the Half Moon and the Flag Pond
Hill Battery had been silenced, which
were up the shore, two or three miles
above Fort Fisher. The Admiral was
sanguine he had silenced Fort Fisher.
Ile was urged, if that was so, to run by
the Fort into Cape Fear River, and then
the troops could land and hold the beach
without the fear of being shelled by the
rebel gunboats, the Tallahassee being
seen in the river.
Gen. Butler argued, if the Admiral
would put, his ships in the river the
ar ny could supply him across the beach,
and that at least the blockade of \VII-
mington would be thus most effectual,
even if they did not capture the fort.
The Admiral replied he should prob
ably lose a boat by torpedoes if he at
tempted to run by ; and he was remind
ed that the army might lose 500 men by
the assault, and that his boat would nit
weigh in the balance, even in many
points of view, with the lives of these
men. The Admiral declined going by,
and the expedition was deprived of that
most essential element of success.
At noon on the '_'sth, the batteries were
reported silenced, and the transports
successfully landed their toops. Find
ing a reconnoitering party landed could
hold the shore, Gen. Butler determined
to land a force to attempt an assault on
the fort. Curtis's brigade then pushed
on to within a few hundred yards of
Fort Fisher, capturing the Half Moon
battery and its men. This skirmish
line then advanced to within 75 yards
of the Fort, the garrison being kept in
their bomb proofs by the naval fire.
When the tire of the navy ceased the
parapet was fully manned, and a per-
sonal examination by General Butler,
within a few hundred feet of Fort Fisher,
shoWed that it was well protected from
assault by an extensive stockade, bas
tions, fifteen feet wide, and a wet ditch,
and no materiaLdamage had yet been
done to the fort by the navy. Seventeen
heavy guns bore up the beach.
A flag which had been cut down by a
shell was captured on the edge of the
ditch, and an orderly was killed about
a third of a mile from the fort. The re
port that any soldier entered the fort is
a mistake.
During this time Ames' division had
captured two hundred and eighteen
men and ten commissioned officers of
the North Carolina reserves. Gen. But
ler learned from these prisoners that
Hoke's divison were within two miles
of the rear of his forces, and that their
skirmishers were then actually en
gaged,
and that the rerintine'r of Hoke's
division had arrived the night previous
at Wilmington and were on the march,
thus forming a force outside of the
works superior to Butler's.
'Meantime the weather became bad,
the serf running up so that landing be
came very difficult. At this time, Gen.
Weitzel reported to Gen. Butler, that to
assault the works, in his judgment and
in that of experienced officers of his
command, was impossible with any
chance of success. This opinion coin
cided with Gen. Butler's, and much as
he regretted the necessity of abandon
ing the attempt, yet lie considered his
duty plain. ot so strong a work as
Fort Fisher had been taken by assault
during the war, and he refers to the
slaughtered thousands in the assaults
on Port Hudson and Fort Wagner•
Gen. Butler says, I therefore ordered
that no assault should be made.
While preparations to re-embark were
making, the firing of the Navy ceased.
Instantly the guns of the fort were fully
manned, and a sharp fire of musketry
grape and canister swept the plain over
which the column musthave advanced.
It was found impossible to get the
troops all aboard before the sea ran so
high as to render-further embarkation,
or even sending of supplies ashore quite
impossible.
On the _6th, having made all proper
disposition, for getting the troops on
board, Gen. Butler gave order to the
transport fleet, as fast as they- were
ready, to sail for Fortress Monroe in
obedience to the orders from the Lieu
tenant General.
Gen. Butler states that he learned
from deserters and prisoners that the
supposition_ was when the expedition
was planned that Wilmington was de
nuded of troops to oppose Gen. Sherman
was correct, and was so at the time of
the arrival of the army off Wilmington,
there lasi ag less than 400 men in Fort
Fisher and less than one thousand with
in twenty miles, but the delay of three
days waiting the arrival of the Navy,
and the further delay by the storm of
the 21st, 22d and 23d, gave time for the
rein formente to arrive from Richmond.
The instructions of the Lieutenant-
General did not contemplate a siege, as
they had neither siege trainsor supplies
for such a contingency.
Gen. Butler here says the exigency of
possible delay for which the foresight
of the Commander of the armies had
provided, had arisen, to wit :—The large
reinforcement of the garrison, with the
fact that the Navy had exhausted their
supply of ammunition in the bombard
ment, left me with no alternative but
to return with my army to the Army of
the James.
The loss of Friday, Saturday and Sun
day, the 16th, lith and 18th, was .the
immediate cause of the failure of the
expedition. It is not my province even
to suggest the blame to the Navy for
their delay of four days at Beauford. I
know none of the reasons which do or
do not justify it. It is to be presumed
they are sufficient.
Gen. Butler then refers to the excel
lent behavior of the troops and the
assistance afforded him by certain naval
officers.
The report of Gen. 'Weitzel states that
after getting a full survey of Fort Fisher,
he frankly informed Gen. Butler that it
would be butchery to order an assault
on that work under the circumstances.
Gen. Curtis' and Gen. Ames' reports
are appended, confirming all of the
above' essential points, and copies of
Gen. Grant's telegrams and orders to
Gen. Butler, conclude the document.
Gen. Grant, in his endorsement of
Gen. Butler's report,,says it was never
contemplated that Gen. Butler should
accompany the expedition, Gen. Weitzel
being specially named as commander.
Gen. Grant thinks the delay in the
moving of the expedition can be charg
ed to waiting for the gun powder boat to
be prepared ; and also that Gen. Butler
is in error in stating that the re-embark
ation of the troops wasbyhis instructions,
as the instructions never contemplated
withdrawal after a landing had been ef
fected.
General Grant says in his orders that
NUMBER 3.
the first object of the expedition was to
close the port of Wilmington, and, i
successful, to capture the city itself.
More of Mr. Lincoln's Little Stories
When the Prince of Wales was soon
to marry the Princess Alexandra, Queen
Victoria sent a letter to each of the
sovereigns, informing them of her son's
betrothal, among the rest to President
Lincoln. Lord Lyons, her ambassador
at Washington, and who by the way, is
unmarried, requested an audience of
Mr. Lincoln, that he might present this
important document in person. At the
time appointed he was received at the
White House, in company with Mr.
Seward.
" May it please your excellency," said
Lord Lyons. " I hold in my hand an
autograph letter from my royal mistress,
Queen Victoria, which I have been
commanded to present to your excel
lency. In it she informs your excel
lency that her son, his royal highness,
the Prince of Wales, is about to contract
a matrimonial alliance with her royal
highness, the Princess Alexandra, of
Denmark." After continuing in this
strain for a few minutes, Lord Lyons
tendered the letter to the President and
awaited the reply. It was short, simple
and expressive, and consisted simply of
the words:
" Lord Lyons, go thou and do like
wise." We doubt if any English am
bassador was ever addressed in this
manner before, and would be glad to
learn what success he met with in put
ting the reply into diplomatic language,
when he reported it to her majesty.
It is said that sometime since, when a
deputation of clergymen presented an
address to the President, in which he
was styled " a pillar of the church," lie
quaintly (and perhaps truthfully) re
marked that " they would have done
much better to call him a steeple."
Fifty Cents Worth of Matrimony
A young farmer not over stocked with
brains nor over rich in this world's goods
had come to that crisis in life when he
was sure he must commence a double
barreled existence, or " spile." Having
made the necessary preliminary arrange
ments, in a shape of a rough board cabin
and a " Barkis who was willin'," he
borrowed a horse and wagon and took a
bag of corn and the expectant bride to
the mill and minister's. The corn being
left to be groun d , the twain who wished to
be made one flesh waitedpn the minister
and explaining the necessities of the case,
demanded to know, "How much the
swindle would be ?" The minister re
plied that the fee was generally measur
ed by the generosity of the gtptleman,
but one dollar was the smillilest sum
considered orthodox. This was beyond
the pile of the farmer, but nothing dis
couraged, he said: "Now see here, old
fellow! I havn,t got but fifty cents, and
you must marry us as far as that. will
come to, and we'll come agin for the
balance." The minister could not resist
the entreaty, and married the parties so
effectually that they never returned for
the other fifty cents worth.
A Dinner of Eighteen hundred Years
Ago.
The citizens of ancient Pompeii knew
what was good. They relished roast
pig. A family in that aristocratic city,
one of the F. F. P.'s, perhaps, were
about to dthe on the rich and succulent
dish, on the very day tit .t the restless
Titan under Mount Vesuvius expecto
rated from his fiery lungs the shower of
red-hotashes which entombed the Pom
peiians in their dwellings. The pig was
being cooked, awl was probably nearly
done at the time when the volcanic
storm bursted in and spoiled it. This is
not a matter of conjecture, reader, for
only a few weeks ago a mass of undu
rated lava and ashes was found in a stew
pan, standing in a cooking stove in the
kitchen of a house recently disinterred,
and on opening the lump, a perfect
mould of a sucking porker was disclosed.
A cast was taken of the hollow, and the
result was a fac simile in plaster of the
little animal, which had been trussed
in scientific style, and is supposed, from
the shape of the matrix, to have been
justready for the table. The inquisitive
antiquarians are continually poking
their noses into \little domestic secrets
of the Pompeiians of eighteen centuries
ago, which the people of the excavated
neighborhood would have hesitated to
tell on one another.
An ArgUMerly from Bacon
An old and worthy subscriber to this pa
per says the Augusta (Ga.) Constitution
alist, noted for his good bacon, stepped
in a day or two since and proposed re
newing his subscription for six months.
Our book-keeper made out his receipt
for $3O.
" How is this ?" said our country
friend. " You have put up the price."
" Yes," answered the book-keeper,
" We have been compelled to do it in
self defence."
" Well, sir, it is extortion. I won't
take it."
"Well, then, if you don't like it that
way, we will let you take the paper at
s2o—our old price—for six months, if
you will pay us in that fine bacon of
yours at ten cents per pound, the old
price. That is certainly fair."
"How much bacon would it take?
"Just thirty pounds, sir."
" Why, that would be giving you $l2O
for your paper for six months, at the
lowest price at which such bacon as
mine sells for now!"
" I know that," answered the book
keeper. "We can't help it ; and for
this very reason we have been compell
ed to put up the price of our paper.
Each sheet of the plain paper upon
which we print the daily now, costs us
fifteen cents, and every other thing in
proportion."
'" Well, well," said our friend, "that
bacon argument is a clincher. Give me
the-receipt, here is the money. I must
act upon the prevailing opinion. /must
save my bacon."
—"To be a woman of fashion is one
of the easiestthings in the world. A late
writer thus describes it: Buy everything
you don't want, and pay for nothing
you get ; smile on all mankind but your
husband ; be happy everywhere but at
home ; neglect, your children and nurse
lap-dogs; go to church every time you
get a new dress."
—A droll story is related of an honest
old farmer, who, in attempting to drive
home a bull, got suddenly hoisted over
a fence. Recovering himself, he saw
the animal on the other side of the rails,
sawing the air with his head and neck,
and pawing the ground. The good old
man looked steadily at him a moment,
and exclaimed : "Darn your apologies,
you needn't stand there you 'tarnal crit
ter, bowin' and scrapin'—you did it a
purpose, darn your curly pictur?"
ItS6 "Is that Clock right, over there?
asked an old gentleman of a little urchin.
"Right overthere, sir. 'Taintnowhere
else."
_
BATES OF ADTEEMICM. -- ,
Busixonii Anitinannimarrs, at .6 :year- per
squareOfferaliles ten per cent:increase for.
- fractions of a v ear. -
RneEsrATA• , PM,SONAT, l'noPnirrr, and thin;
.AnvxmairEUNG, 7. centa a -line for the
flail,
ands cents for each subsequent baser
_
Won. •
PATENT 31 . 1 rnsararrZ and other adverts by the
column:
One column, I sloo •
Third column, 1 year, 40
gp=olumn, • so ••••
Calms, of ten lin — e; or less, -
Busines
one y s ear, 1 5 0 '-
Cards, five lines or less:one •
year,
LEGAL AND OTHXR. NorrOßS
Executors' notices ZOO
Administrators' notices ~.......,.»:...... 2.00
Assignees' notices, 2.00
Auditors' notices ...... 1.50
Othere
times
Why Wood Escaped
According to the Louisville Journal,
the complete destruction of Hood's army
by Gen. Thomas was attributable to the
following singular occurrence:
The escape of Hood from Tennessee
with the remnant of an army, is not at
tributed to the slowness of Gen. Thomas'
movements, or to the efficient service
rendered by Forrest with his cavalry
corps, but to a peculiar incident and a
strange mistake. After the defeat of the
rebel host in front of Nashville, orders
were given to pursue the fleeing col
umns, when Gen. Thomas, who had
been up for several days and nights in
succession, superintending the disposi
tion of troops, and directing their move
ments on the battle-field, stretched
his exhausted frame upon a cot
to obtain a few hours' sleep.
The head was heavy, and soon the weary
eyes were closed in deep slumber. All
of the necessary orders had been issued
to the corps and division 'commanders
in relation to the part each was to take
in the operations in the morning. But
one direction was neglected, and it seems
that the General trusted to the good
sense of his aids in" this matter. They
understood his plans, and the duty was
so apparent. and simple that he deemed
it useless to issue any particular orders
in regard to it. We refer to his pon
toons, which were loaded on wagons iu
such la manner, as to be ready for use
avhenever such time arrived. He deem
ed it useless to give instructions , in re
gard to them, for he thought it would
be plain to the judgment of the poorest
soldiers that it was intended that thetrain
should accompany the main column of
the army in the forward movement.—
This was a common-sense view of the
matter, but it appears that it was not so
understood by all of the members of his
staff. The General was aroused from
his heavy sleep, and asked by the Ad
jutant whether the pontoon train should
move out on the Shelbyville pike, or
take the road leading to Columbia. The
General was in a dreamy, half uncon
scious state at the time, and, with a
yawn—" Shelbyville "—closed his eyes
again and was oblivious to everything
around hint. Morning came, and in
the early dawn the regiments were form
ed and the advance commenced.—
General Thomas, during the day, rode
_near the head of the column, leaving
his staff officers to see that the proper
trains were brought forward. Theroads
were heavy, the weather inclement, and
the movements difficult and somewhat
slow. In the afternoon the General was
surprised to learn that the wagons load
ed with the pontoons were not accom
panying the main column, but were fol
loWing in the rear of a detachment of
the army moving down the Shelbyville
like. A messenger was at once started
aek . to rectify the mistake, but, before
e caught up with the train and de
ivered h is orders, it was seventeen miles
ruin Nashville. It had to return to
the place of starting in order to get on
the Columbia road. The wagons moved
but slowly, loaded as they were, and it
required nearly two days' time for the
ponderous train to reach the front of the
column.
The air grew mild, the snow melted,
and the rains continued to fall, flooding
the country with water and swelling
the streams beyond their banks. Our
army pressed closely upon Hood's rear,
and if our pontoons had been up, it is
believed that the remnant of his dis
pirited force would have been crushed
at Columbia upon the banks of Duck
river. We were forced to halt nearly
two days at Rutherford's creek—in ordi
nary times an insignificant stream—but
now swollen to the size of a respectable
river. Hood was on the opposite side of
the creek, engaged in crossing his shat
tered battalions over Duck river. It
was the time to strike a crushing
blow, but General Thomas was forced
to impatiently await the arrival of
his pontoon train. In the meanwhile
Hood gained the south bank of Duck
river, and rapidly retreated to the Ten
nessee. The mistake was a sad one to
us, for the delay occasioned by it insur
ed the escape of the revel army. It was
a peculiar blunder, and one that Gen.
Thomas should not be held responsible
for. He relied upon his staff offi
cers to assist him in superintend
ing the movements of the army,
and trusted the direction of minor details
to their judgment. He had not the least
conception that they were ignorant of
the road he desired the pontoon train to
move on and was taken completely by
surprise when informed of the grave
mistake that had been committed. Gen.
Thomas was not responsible for the error,
nor should we be too hasty to attach
blame to the action of his Adjutant. He
perhaps felt timid about directing move
ments, and deemed it his duty to consult
the General before giving orders. He
found Gen. Thomas asleep, and lie may
have accepted the half unconscious
murmur, " Shelbyville," as a rational
answer to his question. ' The mistake
was a peculiar one, and, while we ex
culpate Gen. T. from all blame, we do
not feel justified in censuring any of
attached to his staff. The particulars
of this blunder, we believe, have never
been made public, and we only publish
them now in order to show upon what a
slender thread the fate of an army some
times hangs. Gen. Thomas achieved a
brilliant victory over the rebel host, and
we should feel satisfied with the spoils
that he has givqi us, without pausing
to find fault with a movement, or to la
ment over what mighthave been. Hood
was badly whipped, and he escaped
from Tennessee with the remnant of an
army. > This was clue not to his own
generalship, but simply to the execu
tion of a wrong order in the Federal
camp. Hood is uow engaged beyond
the Tennessee in re organizing his shat
tered and demoralized columns, while
Gen. Thomas is mustering his forces for
a bold and daring campaign. Before
spring shall come with balmy breath
and early flowers, our army will have
accomplished glorious results, and we
will hear from it with Gen. Thomas at
its head far from the Tennessee line.
Ise Jist Sam
During the last winter a contraband
came into the Federal lines, in North
Carolina, and was marching up to the
officer of the day to give an account of
himself, whereupon the following col
loquy ensued :
" What's your name':"
" My name's Sam."
"Sam what?"
"_\'o, sah ; not Sani Watt. Pse jist
Sam."
"What's your other name?"
" I hasn't got no odder name, salt. Pee
Sam—dat's all."
"What's your master's name?"
" I'se got no massa now ; massa
runned away—yah ! yah I'se a free
nigger now."
" Well, what is your father's and
mother's name ?"
" Pse got none, sab ; nebber had none.
I'se.jist Sam—nobody else."
" Have you not any brothers and:sis
ters ?"
" No, sah ! never had none. No
brudder, no sister, no fadder, no mudder,
no massa, nothing but Sam. When
you see Sam, you see - all dere is of us."
fl Here is the last specimen brick in
the line of " confidence games." A wo
man in Cincinnati having an earthen
vessel in her apron entered a grocery
store and bought a pound of coffee. Re
moving the lid she dropped the coffee
in said vessel, replaced the lid, and was
about to pay for it, when she discovered
she had forgotten her money. Not to
have her honesty suspected she said she
would leave her purchase till she went
home and got her money, and accord
ingly set her crockery on the counter,
where it remained until the grocer
thought something must be wrong, and
on removing the lid he found there was
no bottom to the vessel, and of course
the woman had gone off with the coffee
iu her apron. -