:lenttomltlaniul% pcitoch.
WM DM SAN URDARIVEROUNGEOUCRT
HUT FOB AN FRAW.
(FUN PIT SCHWAFFLHIIRSHNER.)
Ala noch leddich," sogt my uncle we
ich derheam war letsht freeyohr, of b'such.
" Yak" hab ich g'sawt, " ich bin ale
noeh loddich." De fact is, des heirs Ma
ness war sneer immer fun der kindheit uf,
•orrig tau widder. 151; doch bin ich so
mod; un noch uf de meanung kumma das
ebbss mist gedu wcerra, for doh war my
alter bachelor uncle mit all seim property,
sell shlippt amohl one der fomelia wenn
ich mer net a fraw krick nu uf den weg
der family nawma ufhalt. nosh cans,
wann mer a gooty fraw hut donn branch
mer sich nix bekimmera fun weaya lecher
in .de shtrimp, k'nep on de hussa, un
allerlea so sacha. We meaner das ich ale
one heirs gedenkt hob,. we meaner is users
fore kumma das ich mer aw an fraw
kreeya set. Waram this ich es net gedu
hab, konn ich selwer net sawga, uu
nemond sunsht. I►e ns.ed wahra aw so
plenty we de hucklebeara, un ichmus aw
sawya dm; se mer yusht about shea un
shlick forekumma sin. Warunim set ieh
done a bachelor bleiwa
Awer, hab ich aw als gedenkt, ferwass
set ich gebodderd si mit a fraw ? Wang
ich amohl doat bin donn ha) ich mich nip
men tsu bekimmera fim weaya meim uncle
si property, for donn hots mich (loch nix.
un so long das ich leab hob ich anyhow so
feel das ich branch. Donn awer, wann ich
obi on de weibsleit gedenkt hob--we
ols draw gedenkt hab fun weaya lecher in
de shtrimp, k'nep fun de hemmer, shea
gemachte bedder un allerlea so sacha
dorm, somehow, is mers loch ols so holwer
fore kumma das ich ousgooka set for mer
fraw tsu krecya, Om end bin ich tsu
der conclusion kumma das icl► ennv haws
ITILLSB.
WC C 8 amohl bekannt war dos ich so a
wenuich my awya of do weibsleit hab
dotal is niers fore kumma alas ieli my wahl
het unnich dutzenda fun cans. Vann
ich als derheam war, somehow, wars els
foil Tilted hu house, un es hut rich als for
common so gcmacht das, yuslit for my
mommy tsu pleasa, hab ich dort iu der
shtoob hucka missa un mit cans, shwetza,
India un se hcara singa, tin Inca das amohl
Yuit eaner odder der miler heam gea.
De fact is, jell hob als g'fcelt we der caste
tswisha tswea bundle hoy war un
ferhungert is well er net g'svist hut in
weller nei tsu beisa. Net das ich down
war of de weibsleit, for ich mus confessa
das kit se all geglicha hob. Nix hut mich
besser g'suit das an owat shpenda bei de
g'heicrte weiver, provided eara menner
wahra urn de weg. Was meer Ills abhor
, dicb glalla hut, war in ma nochbers house
an owat ahpenda un mit do kinncr tsu
shpeela, un eana taucker each shenku.
Awer do yuugy tined, somehow, sin mer
als so wennich suspicious fore kumma—
vusht so das wann a yeades fun eana
,g'shponnt wter g'west for mich tsu fouga.
Oea end bin ich tau der conclusion kumma
nei tsu gea for eauy Odder de onner. Ifeira
du ich, un awer for welly soil yetz
ge
travelled wterra 2 Un we mach ich's for
ous tan finna eb ich's aw kumma konn ; shlippa hissa for ivver onuery tsu retcha
en leeya. Se shneeka ruin, fun cam tsuni '
warm Leh amonl mit ternalit draw gea? :
o ca t l i s ne w r, in ti d e e r r u g r r
w s a t s ioclibershaft, un Mina
Ich hab so holwer a notion g'hat amohl seller tsu st%wya hut
mit der mommy shwetza derweaya, un ivver den !norm un weaya seller fraw ;so
awer, somehow, es war mer bong es deat wissa an yeadam si fehler ;se sin Partien-
laxly ufgepost in oily korrisseer un heir
ile holwer nmrrish macha. Un het ich se le e r ,tis,, Joh n
consult mit cans fun mein& g'heierty de Sally 'terra ; will odder i e s dde e r xa r e e t P . : l b )
freind, Worm weer ich evva yusht ous der Sam nemmt odder eb 80 ous guckt for
gelocht
,warra, un de leddiche, denk ich, der Joe. Se watcha an yeadas—bu oder
tonna, mer aw kea roat gevva das mer meadle — daa SS suspecta nations fun heirs
tsu hawa, un warms miglich is, duna se
helft. • mannetcha ebbas schlechts roue ten bringa
My mommy tie war bei ehra freind in ivver eans oders onner. Se gearta de
der shtadt, un amohl ea dog hab ich a i rounds mit earam retcha, un key fun
breef krickt fun ears das de Sally Shink monn tsu fraw—fum meadle tsum bu—
rivver en nivver—hinnersich un fsrsbich,
-doh im shteddle awkumma dent, for a 1 fun alt tsu hung un donn widder fun '
wail bleiwa bei earam uncle, un hut druf ' yung t:,ti alt for earn giftiche, shneekiche
insist du well se so an irver ous she:tarts un erectly shlanders fun earn tsum onner
un feines meadle is, set ich mich bekannt I in der gons nochbershaft rum pishpem
I't' course, all ears retcherei is so orrig
• rumba bei ears, so das se net tau lonesome 1
mord. oni very neirohta dog nosh dem i
f bil is ell b , h flyilldliCh m i t shlick tsu gedeckt mit
beats
a u n
a 't lc
hollow. le d a s t ,.
o s N e v , ti;
winch das ich seller breef kriekt hab fun der I I s a elwer e
mommy, is a kleaner huh in my shop nemond nix shlechts; ich bin fun ivver
kumnta—a cousin fun der Sally, un now 1 ous guty nodduhr; ieh du orri ,, gtern de
dank ich, nun amohl ebbas gedu wterra.kit eara kleany fehler excuse, for ich bin
Nook dem dam ich so ollerlea mit dem bu law an mensh un dawrum selwer net fehler
' frei; kit deat even maim terrickshta feind
g'ahwetzt hob Bog ich: luf der welt nix in der weg leaya. Awcr
"ell, Johnny, di cousin is geshder , wann ich yeamohls an chance grick for
bei eich awkumma fun der slitadt, un se soddiehe retcha un bissy boddys tsu
shtrofa, dorm look out, for donn krceva se
lean orrig feiny lady.” exactly was se ferdeena, I'll be bound das
"Meanslit de cousin Sally ?" Becht cr, se duhn. For soddiche—nochdem das BC
'; so is net feel, for so hut yo nix tsu sawya, mold dorrich my judgment meal gouga
un is Winter so shtill un shwetzt nix. Um I sclera, breichta nix mer welders fern alta
deifel; for der bock-ullit wu ich hitza deat
so cousins gob ich anytiow net feel" for se, uu tier weg we ich se mashie, deat,
secht er. dorrich WI dorrich, inwendich un ous
- , Dom hab ich gedenkt, so eany i s far- weallich, deat se so cos pletily uf usa das
I der deifel se gor nimmy braucha keunt,
leicht yushtehrui fun de rechta sort—eany
for rn vier donn nimmy genunk fun eana
..6'418 fershtond genunk hut ears maul tau ivveriell for an decanter shmutz-tiecka tau
halts un Bich beheafe. Ich hab anyhow macha. rrr S.
gniwa tily mind tit' gentacht amohl awtsu
ruff bei der Sally. We der owat kumma
is hab ich mieh amnhl mit meina heslity
Sundogs kleader tifgetlress'd nit oh itu
shteddlo nuf his ons house un klupp amohl
on der deer. " Walk in" Inib ich de alt
fraw heara sauna, tut ich nei, un sure
enough, dolt war de Sally --cans fun de
feinshty gookiche nued das ich all my dog
un des leawas g'sea hab. Se hut so a
wennich helly hohr g'hot, a dunkelly dress
aw, un hut g'shatft so on was se fancy
work heasa. De alt fraw, do hut orrig
blesseerlich g'sliwetzt so fun allerlea.
I:f ea mohl awes hut so gedu das wane
ebber se nous gerufa het, uu se of un
tsum loth nous, un dort war ich un de
Sally Bons alleanich initnonner in der
shtub, un now, deck ich tsu mer seiwer--
now is my tseit —now or never.
Donn hab ich de Sally g'froked we se
unser shteddle gleicht ?
"Ordlich Boot" secht se.
Donn hab ich se g'froked we my mommy
war we se de shtadt ferlussa hut, tin se
hut g'sawt se war gone g'sund. "Un we
is di mommy" hab ich g'froked. "Se is
aw g'sund" hut se g'sawt. Donn hab ich
se g'froked eb se's winter wedder net bes
ser gleieht das we's summer wedder, un
se hut g'saw•t " nay so dut net."
Doh hab ich gedenkt—mit so ehner is
CA net derwiert das mer awfongt. A
shtilly un decenty fraw will ich, awer de
hut yo gor nix tsu Pawya das yusht yah
un nay, tin ich hab ousgemacht mich
ordlich free taunt house nous macha, un
fort bin ich, un heam.
A paar dog nochderhond we ich in ma
particular goota humor war hab ich cans
fun meina freind alles g'sawt fun weaya,
we ich otis gemacht hab seller owat bei
der Sally, un er hut Bich orrig enjoyed
derwenya. Dann hut er an foreshlag
gemackt titer an introduction tsu gevva
tsu eancr de aw an feiny lady is, awer
Bons of an onnory style —4:any de maul
genunk but isu shu•etza, I'll he bound,
secht er. tin ich hob's agreed mit cam tsu
gels.
We de tseit kunnua is bob HI net yusht
so orrig goot - hob kalt ghat,
un kup-wea, un awer of impor
tanty bisness war bin icit dock gonga.
Anyhow hab ich gedenkt, warn liter
unuich de weibsleit is dut mer ebmohls es
kop-wea sons fergessa. Well, des ding
war Boot, fort sin rater, flu ins house in.
vier wahra nosh hardly im house ire mer
heara hen a deer tsu shlawya das es house
g'shittled hut, un aw grawd druf hab ich
a weibsmensh luera ordlich loud shwetza.
un nut high-heel shue in de slitoob Wei
g'shteppt we a monn. Se war awer
yusht about shea ; schwartzy a wya, roaty
bocka, mit a bommerisher water-fall, on
Bons ivver ous shtick uf gedress'd, mit so
a fancy jacket aw, on we my freind se in
troduced hut is se of g'slitept un hut
hands g'shaked unit mer so das mers fore
ktunma is dos se ferleielit eons fun denna
society mad sec kennt, well se flier so an
hunter no eawicher grip ' opyva hut.
ohna feel weasa hut sea sidool g'numma
un rimed eon nut' dieht tsu meim, huekt
sich omen on fong,t amoht aw tsu shwetza.
Doh soil mich awer aw an der bettic holda
waun se net g•wist but was tsu sawya!
flara maul is gonga we an end earn
shwantz, flu es is mer fore komma this so
about apes wefts was in der welt tsu wissa
is. Fashions, Netter, politics, lodmerriek
kocha un uf :Wes was titer denka kanu war
se ufgcpost, under wens we se skit 1'1.6
aemacht hut mit nicer hut so a wennich
an koryosor impression uf mica gemacht.
Se hut aw a foreshlag g'macht das ich
boll widder kununa set. We ich fort hab
wella hut se titer noch meaner tsu sawya
What, nu hut illicit noch about a holt)
shtund longer of g'halta. Tsuletsht bin
ich awer ob, tut sell wars letslit mold das
kik dort war. Se war tsu feel for nick.
oNTI NU Ell DE . NEAlr;siur wocit.
RETCIIA UN BISSY-lIODYS.
An yearly nochbershoft is mea oder
wennicher gedruvelt mit a doss le it de ols
fort oily mensha earn Listless meinda ex
eept y usht emara eyene net. Des sin about
de meenshty sort kreddura das of em
gonsa, ferdsbutta tsu linna sin. Es sin
orrig feel de om beshta feela wann se yusht
a wennich ebbas shlechts sawya kenna
ivver ears nochbera, awer de meenshty
fun weeny leit sin de wu ne kea chance
. .
i
GEN. JOSEPH W. FISHER,
One of the State Senators from Lancaster County.
ffielertad.
HAD-TAG AND 808-TAIL FASHIONS.
Under this head Fanny Fern addresses
the following advice to the very thshion
able females of to-day. Her remarks arc
better suited to the regions of New York
and Philadelphia cities, but they may be
read with profit elsewhere ;
" When I say that the street dress of the
majority of the respectable women of N.
York to-day is disgusting, I but febly ex
press my emotions. I say the respecta
ble women, and, yet save to those who
know them to be such, their appearance
leaves a wide margin for doubt. The
clown at the circus wears not a more
stunning or parti-colored costume ; in fact,
his has the advantage of being sufficient-
ly taut"—to use a nautical phrase--
not to interfere with locomotion ; while
theirs—what with disgusting humps upon
their backs and big rosettes upon their
shoulders, and loops, and folds, and but
tons, and tassels, and clasps, and bows
upon their skirts. and striped satin petti
coats, all too short sometimes to hide clum
sy ankles --and inure colors and shade:-
of colors heaped upon one poor little
fashion-ridden body than ever were gath
ered in one. rainbow—and all this worn
without regard to tempurattio', ur time,
or place—l say this presents it spectacle
which is too disheartening even to h,.
comical.
One call not smile at the voutig girls,
girls who are, one day - Heaven help thew:
to he wives and mothers. 7' , / f), trips ,
c,ul I sly to myself :is I see
the throat and »eel; with only Ow protec
tion of a gold locket betw,en itself and
the cold autumnal winds. 1i iv c , 3 an d
mothers ! I say, as I siq• them ruining
their feet and throwing their ankles out of
shape, in the vain t. udeavot to walk on
heels like cork, fastened far into the mid
dle of the sole of their hoots ; and those
boots so high upon the calf of the leg, and
so tightly buttoned :moss it, that circu
lation has stopped. and violent headache
follows. Wives and mothers! I say, as I
see the heating and burdensome paniers
tackled on the most delicate p,, r ti u n o f a
woman's filmic, to make still surer con
firmed invalidism.
What fathers, littsban&. brothers, lov
ers can think about, to he -willing th a t
the woman that they respect and love
should appear in public looking like a wo
man they despise, e a marvel to me.
Why they do not say this to them
and stal,,a , them into decent appearance—
if their glasses cannot etlict it— I do not
know. Oh, the relief it is to meet a lad g,
instead of a ballet girl ! Oh, the relief it
is to see a healthy, firm-stepping, rosy,
broad-chested, bright-eyed woman, clad
simply with a dress of one color, and free
from bunches and tags !. I turn to look
to such an one with true respect, that she
has the good sense and courage and !lOW
taste to appear on the street in a dress be
fitting the street ; leaving to those poor
wretched women whose business it is to
advertise their persons a free field without
competition. If I seem to speak harshly,
it is because I feel earnestly on this sub
ject. I 11.0 supposed that tile women of
DAUS would have been worthy of the day
in which they live. I had hoped that all
their time would not have been spent in
keeping up with the chameleon changes of
fashion too ugly, too absurd for tolera
tion!
"It is because I want them to be some
thing, to do something nobler than a pea
cock might aim at, that I turn heart-sick
away from these infinitessimal fripperies
that narrow the soul and purse ; and leave
nothing in their wake but emptiness. Nor
is it necessary, in avoiding all this, that
a woman should look "strong-minded,"
as the bugbear-phrase goes. It is not ne
cessary she should forswear ornamenta
tion, because it were better and more re
spectable to have it confined to festal and
home occasions and less to the public pro
menade. She is not driven to the alterna
tive of muffling herself like an omnibus
driver in January, or catching consump
tion with her throat protected only by a
gold locket.
" Oh, how I wish that a bevy of young,
handsome girls, of good socialposition,
would inaugurate a plain lady-like cos
tume for street and church wear. I say
young and handsome, because if an old
woman does this, the little chits toss their
heads and say, " Oh ! she has had her day,
and don't care now—and we want ours."
Now that's perfectly natural, and
right too, that you should have your youth;
that you should, as girls, say, make the
most of yourselves,' but in doinc , e so don'ir
you think it would be well not to lesson
or cheapen yourselves ? and I submit with
all deference to your dressmakers and
mammas, that every one of you who ap
pear in public in the manner I have de
scribed, are doing this very thing—are
defiling womanhood, and are bringing de
, risioa and contempt, whether you believe
it or not"
~,,,,,
46 WANTED-A CLERI.”
A few days ago, a gentleman advertised in
this paper for a clerk, and requested appli
cants to address their notes to him at the
Ledger Office. By the close of the first day
on which the advertisement appeared, there
were four hundred and eighteen applicants
for this one clerkship. This afforded a most
forcible illustration -of the extent to which
the occupation of clerking and book-keeping
is overstocked in this city. But a few
months previous, the head of a business estab
lishment, who wished some help in the way
of writing, but in which some literary ability
was required, advertised for an assistant, at
a moderate salary, and having Incidentally
mentioned that the position might suit a
lawyer or physician not in good practice,
got more than a hundred applications, of
which fifty-three were from young lawyers
and doctors. Here was another illustration
of an over supply of the professional or
"genteel occupations.'' A wither advertiser
in the Ledger, who wanted a person to take
charge of the editorial work of a weekly
paper, got fitly-seven applications, not more
than tails dozen of the applicants being re
cognized newspaper writers, but nearly all
of them being clerks, book-keepers and pro
fessional men. Still another advertised for
two apprentices in a wheelwright and smith
shop, in one of the semi-rural wards of the
city, requesting
applicants to give their ad
dress and age. He got three applications, lint
in every case the applicant was too out, two
of them being over eighteen, and one nearly
twenty. Stilanother advertised for an office
boy, about tourteea years old, and had so
malty applicants that his placc was crowded
fur mons than five hount, and the applicants
were of all ages, from mere children, not
more than twelve years old, to full-grown
men of twenty-one.
These arc not very cheerful or encourag
ing signs. They are such, however, as every
man and woman in Philadelphia should give
attention to. The present generation of
young men seem to have a strong aversion
to every kind of trade, business, calling or
occupation that requires manual labor, and
an equally strong tendency towards some
so-called " genteel" employment or profes
sion. The result is seen in such lamentable
facts as those above stated—a superabun
dance of elegant penmen, book-keepers and
clerks of every kind who can get no employ
ment, and are wasting their lives in the vain
pursuit of what is not to be had; and a terri
ble overstock of lawyers without practice and
doctors without patients. The passion on the
port of boys and young men to be clerks,
office attendants, messengers, anything, so
that it is not work of the kind that will
make them mechanics or tradesmen, is a
deplorable sight to those who have full
opportunities to see the distressing_effects
of it in the struggle for such employments
by those unfortunates, who have put it out of
their power to do anything else by neglect
ing to learn some permanent trade or busi
ness in which trained skill can always be
turned to account. The applications for
clerkships and similar positions in large es
tablishments are numerous beyond anything
that would be thought of by those who have
no chance to witness it. Parents and rela
tives, as well as the boys and the young men
themselves, seem to be inflicted with the
same infatuation. To all such we say, that
the most unwise advice you can give to your
boy is to encourage him to be a clerk or a
book-keeper. At the best, it is not a well
paid occupation. Very frequently it is
among the very poorest. This is the case
when the clerk is fortunate enough to be
employed ' • but if he should happen to be out
of a place, then comes the weary search, the
fearful struggle with the thousands of others
looking for places, the never-ending disap
pointments, the hope deferred that makes the
heart sick, the strife with poverty, the
humiliations that take all the manhood out
of the poor souls ' the privations and suffer
ings of those who depend upon his earnings,
and who have no resource when he is earn
ing nothing. No father, no mother, no rela
tive should wish to see their boys or kindred
wasting their young lives in striving after
the genteel positions that bring such trials
and privations upon them in after life.
How do these deplorably false notions as to
choice of occupation get into the heads of
boys? Why do they or their parents con
sider it more " genteel " or desirable to run
errands, sweep out offices, make Gres, copy
letters, c., than to make hats or shoes, or
lay bricks, or wield the saw or jack-plane, or
handle the maohiniit's Ale, or the black
smith's hammer ? We have heard that. some
of them get these notions at school. If this
be true, it is a sad perversion of the means of
education provided for our youth, which are
intended to make them uiefta as well as in
telligent members of society, and not useless
drags and drones. Should it be so, that the
present generation of boys get it into their
heads that, because they have more school
learning and book accomplishment than their
fathers ad, they must therefore look down
upon the trades that require skill and handi
craft, and whose productions make up the
vast mass of the wealth of every country,
then it is time for the Controllers and the
Directors to have the interior walls of our
school houses covered with maximsand mot
toes, warning them against thb fatal error.
—Phitadaphsa Ledger. •
NNW YORK Ibis a locomotive which
,without stem.
[From the Toledo Blade.]
ti ASHY.
The Amnesty Proclamation and Other NM
ten Pertaining Thereto.
POST DITIS, CONFSDER7T X ROADS,
December 28, 1868.
The President's Amnesty Proclamashen
awakened in my buzzum the most poig
nant pangs. I lied bin figgerin for some
days prior to Christmas ez to how I wuz
to raise capital muff to go into the gro
eery bigness in Noo York, knowing ez I
did, that that alone wood save me from
destitooshen and distress, nay more—from
positive starvashen. When a Democratic
politishun is played-out (ez the vulgar
term is in this part uv the heritage) every
where else, he naterally gravitates to Noo
York, ez there is more to steel, and more
facilities for steelin it there than in any
other place in the world.
Ez I hod determined to go to Noo York,
and ez I must hey capital to go on, I hed
conclooded to go to Washington fora breef
season, and embark into the pardon bro
keyin biznis. Jest ez I hed fully deter
mined onto this in comes this Amnesty
Proclamashen, and that idee wuz dished.
In my wrath I cussed A. Johnson for
knockin the last prop out from under me,
and in my rage I wrote a most scathin
letter denouncin it, to a frend of mine who
hez the ear of His Eggslency. His an
swer in some measure cooled my anger,
viz:
WRITE Hors; 1 .
Washington, Dec. 27.
Mr VEXERABLIC FRIEND: Never wuz
stricters more unjust than them wick yoo
hey piled onto our mutual friend, A.
Johnson, Ef you don't beleeve it ask Mrs.
Cobb. The fact is the pardon bizni s ez a E
biznis, wuz played out a yeer ago. very
Constooshnel Southern man wich ked the
cash about his person to procoor a pardon
with, and wnz ambishus uv hevin that
document about him, procured it long
ago. Ef you don't beleeve it ask Mrs.
Cobb. The biznis wus a good one while
it lasted, and then wuz when yoo shood
hey struck in. It required $3OO to secure
the services uv them wich had the ear uv
Hie Eggslency, and ez ther wuz thousands
ity Constooshnel Union men wich served
under Lee and Boregard, who wanted
pardons that they mite run for Congris
hey Post Office and rich, money come in
lively. But this class wuz eggsausted long
since. There wuz no more uv em over
wich to eggstend Execootive mercy, the
quality uv wich is not strained. JO:
Davis coodent be askt for money for a par
don, nor rood any uv them wich distin
guished themselves in the late onpleas
antnis. In sooth they wootient ask for a
pardon. They felt that they had done no
wrong—but on the contrary, that great
wrong hed bin done them. They were
willin to magnanimously forgive the
Fedrals, but shood they. ask to be for
given? I'v course not.
We, and by we I mean them wich hed
the runnin uv the pardon biznis, hed
every facility given us. So long as
there wuz a dollar to be lied, we got that
dollar. When we hed squeezed all the
loose there wuz in that partikeler lemon,
what less cood His Eggslency do than to
give away the dry peel? Et . there wu z
another man in the Conti2drac3"Nho lied a
dollar and who eared a Coo markee about
a pardon, that Proclamashen wood never
hey bin ishood, pervidin A. Johnson hed
frend which needed that; dollar. Ef yoo
don't beleeve it ask Mrs. Cobb.
I woodent come to Washington—it ain't
no yonee. My crapulence hez bin the
eggsperience 'lv thousands. I wept up to
the headquarters iiv General Grant and
intimated that I wood accept a posishen
under him, despite his going back onto
the I)imocrisy. I wuz that mornin, yoo
see, in a forgivin mood. Wat was the re
sult? Why I wus shoved the door with
the onfeclin remark that when the Govern
ment wantid me the Government would go
to any amount of pains to find me. And I
saw thousands uv Ablishnists trceted the
same way.
Don't come to Washington. All uv the
retainers uv His Eggslency are leavin the
city ez fast ez they kin borrer money to
pay their fare to Noo York. In conse
quence the hotels are makin money, for
while the paternage ain't so large, what
does come is pay in paternage. The
guardian angel wich stands at the door uv
the dining-room at Williard's is now se
rene. He hez lost that watchful, worried
look wich characterized him uv old. His
life glides smoothly along—it is not now a
perpetooal skirmish with hotel bummers
whose stumicks must be filled, whether
they have dollars or not, which they never
hey. There is less uv fire in the noses uv
them wich yoo see at the hotel—and the
bars uv the city are getting more and
more lonely. Ef yoo don't beleeve me
ask Mrs. Cobb. Farewell. Don't some.
Trooly,
I felt after readin this that I hed done
A. J. injustice. I must look elsewhere for
the means to get away from here. 0, why
didn't I go to Washington sooner?
PETROLEUM V. NABBY, P. M.
DEATII-BED CONFESSION OF A DEUR
DERESS—Poisons her Husband, Child and
Father-in-Lau.—The township of Lafay
ette, Sussex county, N. J., is considerably
excited at the present time OVIT some
revelations made by a woman named
White, just previous to her dissolution;
which took place last Saturday. The par
ticulars of her confession are horrible in
the extreme, and, if true, would indicate
that the ferocious spirit of Lucretia Bor
gia has found another shocking parallel
in these latter days. Our correspondent
writes us that the woman White, who was
a widow, fell a victim to consumption.
Being a member of the Methodist Church,
sheijient for some of her fellow-members
toWttend her in her dying hour, and Mated
to them that about seven years ago she
poisoned her infant child, so that it died.
A year or so after she administered poison
to her husband's father, and he died too.
Later still, on the return of her husband
from the army, she dealt to him also a
fatal potion, and he, too, passed into the
spirit land. The miserable woman has
borne a good character, as do also her
relatives. They are poor people. The
only reason assigned for malting this d Ting
declaration is that she desired to rid . her
conscience of this immense load of crime
prior to her death. These statements
Were made to our correspondent by one of
the attendants at the death-bed of the self
accused murderess. It is not a little sin
gular that her acknowledged acts have
never before leaked out. She was perfectly
sane tip to the time of her decease.—Nete
ark Journal.
Our tttk Oolteo.
—The following effusion, said to be the
result of a " poetical agony" by a soldier,
who sent a young lady a "bokay, •' while
in camp near her home, is eminently
satisfactory, so for as it goes, to prove
that " none but the brave deserve the fair,"
and we hope had the desired effect. Ilere
it is:
"Accept this bokay from a feller,
' Who oft has heard the kannons belier;
Has listened to the fifes a tooten,
And helped to do a heap of shooten.
lie has seen the war clouds dark arise,
Like fifty buzzards when they files,
Who is bigger than his dad,
And wants to marry mighty bad."
—How long does a widow mourn for
her husband? She mourns for a second.
—Self-made men are common now-a.
days, but self-made women are commoner,
—Why are the men in Washington City
not to be trusted? Because they are gay
D. C. vers.
—What is the difference between eggs
and truth? Truth crushed to earth will
rise again, but eggs won't.
—However well young ladies may be
versed in g comer , there are but very few
who can "decline" matrimony.
—" Ideas," says Voltaire, "are like
beards. Men only get them when they
grow up, and women never have any."
What a wretch!
—" Remember my son," said a trading
Quaker to his boy, "in making thy way
into the world, a spoonful of oil will go
further than a gallon of vinegar."
--"Woman is a delusion!" exclaimed a
crusty old bachelor to a witty young lady.
"And man is alwas hugging some delu
sion or other," was the quick reply.
—An Irishman recently soliloquized:
What waste o' money buying mate when
you know the half of it is bone, while you
can spind it for rum that has nicer a bone
in it."
—"Did any of you ever sec an elephant's
skin," inquired a teacher of an infant
class. "I have, "exclaimed one. "Where?"
asked the teacher. "(hi the elephant,"
said the boy laughing.
—"Hello, there! how do you sell your
wood?" "By the cord." "How long
has it been cut?" "Four feet." mean
how long has it been since you cut it?"
"No longer than it is now."
--A wag, seeing a friend bow to an ex
tremely corpulent man, inquired who he
was. •` That sir, is Smith. the great cor
poration contractor." indeedt he
looks like a corporation expander!"
-Somebody has proposed to establish
schools lbr training servants. We now
propose that there be a school for the edu
cation of modern young women into wives,
Servants are not so scarce as housekeepers.
-- "May I inquire where Robin
son's drug store is?" "Certainly, sir,'•
said the boy very respectfully. "Well,
sir,'' said the gentleman, after waiting
awhile, " where is it?" ~ I have not the
least idea, yer honor," said the urchin.
- -A sick man, slightly convalescing, re
cently in conversation with a pious friend,
who congratulated him upon his recovery,
and asked him who his physician was,
replied: "Dr. Jones brought me thro'."
"No, no," said his friend, • • t;od brought
you out of your illness, not the doctor.''
"Well, maybe he did, but I am certain
the doctor will charge me for it."
—A minister once prayed in the pulpit
that `• the Lord would bless the congrega
tion assembled, and that portion of it
which was on its way to church, and
those who were at home getting ready to
come, and that in his infinite patience he
would grant the benediction to those who
reached the house of God just in time for
that." The congregation came on time
after that.
L-" Well, my lad, where are you travel
ing this stormy weather alone?" asked an
inquisitive landlord in the North of "Ver
mont, during the late war, of a boy
whose father was engaged in smug
gling, and had sent him, young as he was,
with an important message in advance of
the party. "Going to draw my pension,"
was the reply. " Pension," echoed the.
landlord, " what does so small a boy as
you draw a pension for?" "Minding my
own business and letting that of others
alone."
—One of the western papers gives the
following notice: " All notices of mar
riage, where uo bride-cake is sent, will be
set up in small type and poked in an out
landish corner of the paper. When a hand
some piece of cake is sent, it will be put
conspicuously in large letters; when gloves
or other bride favors are added, a piece of
illustrated poetry will be given in addi
tion. When, however, the editor attends
at the ceremony , in person, and kisses the
bride, it will have especial notice—very
large type, and the most appropriate
poetry that can be begged, borrowed or
stolen from the brain editorial. 77
[By our Special Artist.]
THE 44 CRISIS"..-0N THE HILL.
NED.—See here Jim—didn't tee hare it
well set up?
JIM.— What aro you talkin' about'
NED.—Why you see there's twenty-seven
of tw felleei out in the cold, so we jist set up
the House and had a little "William!? put
through, 'which mace us "tilF hunker on
paean) and fo!din'. Now if you cast git
your Senato( t 4 "gofol• it we'll /11/ in.
;~:
.~