s Pnnsmivanioch pritodt.
BRED' FUN SCHWEITLEBRENNER.
SI 111. I Vl.' ETOW N.
/ATI:MI/CV 2U, /*W.
2\ll:7•TElt FODDEI: AIMAIIAM--Deer
.Sir:—Now will ich der de balance shreiva
fun meim bodderation mit em Bawdy, sella
mohls we er iner ferbutta hut de Bevvy tsu
heirs, un we er obsolut hawa hut welly ich
set ni gea for de Polly Irochbay.
Noch dem das ich seller breef grickt
hob fun der Bevvy das ich nimmy kumma
set, weil es so orrig geaya de ally kit eara
willa war, hab MI my mind ufgemacht
das ich anyhow noch eamohl mit der Bev
vy seiwer shwetz der weaya, un doh mogs
gea we's will. Dorm bid ich amohl of der
weg. Es war noch free owats—un we
ich dort ons Wasserdomma meel ferbei
bin, hohls mich der bettle wan ich net
grawd de Polly llochbay awgetrutlit hab,
un se hut aw g'shtuppt un awfonga tsu
mer tsu shwetza. Sccht se "Ich bin or
rig froh dam ich dich doh awtreff. for ich
hob importanty bisness mit der."
Derek ich tsu mer selwer, wann ich net
ordlieh goot aeht gob dorm gebts om end
uoch so a change of base. " Well, sog
ich, was for bisness is es clown ?"
" secht se, "es is shtrictly privatey
bisness—fun grossy wichtichkeit tsu uns
all tswea, nu ich bin orrig froh das ich
dich olleanich doh awgetrutfa hob, for
hob yusht on dich gedenkt, un g'wunnert
we icli es fixa kennt for dich privately tsu
seana.”
Well, denk ich, doh geats yoh by meiner
sell uf midi ni das wonn ich fielwer gor
nix tsu sawya het dertzu, awcr yusht der
olt inonn un de Polly un eara dawdy; &eh
war ich noel net gons ready for surren
dcra—anyhow net cb ich de Bevvy noch
:mold sea derweaya. Ich lab aver my
mind uf gemacht ufamohl ous tsu linna
eb de Polly un eara dawdy un my dawdy
vrerklicli shun alles cut-un-dry hen for
Illicit an Iwirawts prisoner tsu mocha.
Donn sog ich, "Well , MUM de biStleSS
donn orris; Ivichtich is, donn go ahead tin
luss mich ,mold wissa was es is."
•• EL" secht de Polly, " ich glawb my
dawdy un di dawds-, hen so a sort fun an
understanding weaya deer un nicer--so an
match macherei.'• "I'f course," secht
•• de oity leit wierra's WOII hoot
un awer es dinkt mich clock se setta, net
:lons so orrig druf insista ohna tsu wissa
ch me.w es a w sclwer mittuamer agreed
tlenk ich e 5 is doc•h nc•t so orrig
dkts icii mer's fore g'shtellt hob- doh is
noel& hotrutmg,
Now• I'it,"
der ~ • rret sa wya.
' secht " now will lull
Wcll. go ahead," hal) ieh g'sawt
• •Ei jell hob yetz a chance tstt heira—sei
ruich—net tsu deer, un geaya di
wilts-- a wur monn das nick suit, awes,
rr i- awram. un • my dowdy is orrig
••••••••1 du—loll weal ones—wid de
Bevvy Dingrielt heira. un ieh weal alt - das
se a fcita, un shmarts meadle is. " 1711
1101,V, Becht Sc, •‘ fershtenamer
unonner. Es duts net das nier graved
rouse kummt geaya donna eafeltiehe olty
Icit earn \rat, aver Nvann mers recht
nuenneteha kununt auks reeht."
\Vag domi di pktwii--we kemm meals
noun now noennetcha nn das de olty leit
_'satisfied sin.
El sell will ich der yetz sawya. Morya
will Hi nivvcr kumma on eier house, un
du muslit (11(.11 awslitella das du im sin
hetsht mich heira. Donn will ich of
o an weg im house rum acta das der alt
mewl uf an guns onuery notion bringt.
Awer. now mind, den owat bleib mer
yusht week fan der Bevvy, for ich un se
fershtean anonuer aw. Now geasht yusht
!team un sogsht deim dawdy du hetsht
micli g'sea, un das kir der fershprocha het
tsum middog essa kumma, so das mer
besser bekonut wierra, un be bound
ler alt monu entirely fun der
. eb de sun urmergeat sin mer
Frei tsu heirs wen mer
but mer gootaw g'shtouna, un
we mer fun nonner sin hob ich
in °reliefs guty opiniorrg'hot fun
, cm alt monn g'sawt hob das
my mind of gemacht hob do
Tlenunft, waun es down obsolut
donu war er in a tip-tow guter
obordich we ich eam g'sawt hab
Ily rlvver kumma wet for bei
Iddog easa.
t egsht dog war don olles reddy.
tiny, for so war aw in favor fun
ly, hut an grosser welsh-hawna
getairda, un roasht beef, un boy gebocka,
Aut in Ally reeltpects a bully goot middog
essi prepared.
About elf uhr forrniddogs is tie Polly
r awkumma, un grawd rei ins house, un
carom dowdy sci grosser hued hut Sc mit
gebrocht, un can mit in (le Maul) ni ge
luckt, un gepifla, yusht das waun se can
hinnich an sow hetza wet. Now, der
dawdy war ne ken hvindsfreind, un
neic Solm's fraw selletweg tsum house
Ili is, lint er so ordlich koryose geguekt.
IfT course, er war orris* polite tsu der
Poll•. Un seller hund but der mommy
aw net recta g"folla, un se hut: graved
g'sowl das mer net gewoant wtera de
hund im house tsu !lowa.
••Ei," secitt de. Polly, "is es donn min
lich der net 'lei goat for hund. Ich
gleich se olsfort tun mieh rum tsu hawa--
abbordich de grossy bull-hund, un ich hob
im sin mer aw noch caner tsu kreeya.”
"De hund," secht der dawily, "sin goot
genunk in eara pletz, awer ich mus sawya
this according tsu meinor notion, setta Sc
ous em house bleiva." Weil es awer der
Polly, seiner uric dochter eara hund war,
hut er can (loch net nous gedu.
Ivver a while wars middog C6Sa frertich,
un all hands sin on der dish. Der dawdy
but der Polly a shtick welsh-hawna aw
gebutta. " Glawb net," secht de Polly,
"ich gea net ni for welsh-hawna—awer
beef shteak—es kummt mer immer fore
welsh-hawmt is net fit for mensha, fun fer
shtond—anyhow, ich gea ni for beef shteak
un tswivvella, un plenty roder peffer."
Coffee hut se aw ken wella, "awer," Becht
'se, " wann der a wennich brandy um de
weg bend, odder old rye, donn dent ich
nix drum gevva cans tsu nemma." We
der dawdy g'sawt hut das kens im house
is, hut se slat orrig ferwunnert, we es
miglich is tau du ohna brandy, odder
whisky im house.
Per dawdy un de mommy hen anonner
so of de shly aw geguckt, un de kep g'shit
tled.
Noch em middog essa is de nei dochter
amohl ons sings, awer eara music wter
sheer genunk g'west for an easle doat gea
macha. Donn hut se Orfonga tsu shwetza
fun hund—hut behawpt das es wter nix
g'sunder das de hund bei Bich tsu haws
im bet. Uf eamohl is se uf g'shtonna un
froked mich for an chaw-duwack, un ich
hab or can gevva, un se hut an raler whop
per ins maul genumma. Donn is se araohl
ous der shtoob un de drep nuf, un gepifth
we an alter sailor, un we se widder runner
is hut se proposed amohl nous in der shtall
tsu gea for de geil seana, for se hut gedu
das wall se ivver ous orrig wter uf geil.
Se lilt aw g'sawt das se es cigar shmoka
uf gevva het, un dent yetz oily nocht a
meershaum pelf shmoka un a jigger brandy
nennnit eb se ins bet gea, dent, un donn
kennt so als sound shlofit his nine uhr der
negslit ivory.
Es is net noatwendich das ich alles
shreib fun der Polly earn capers. We so
fort is, bin ich uf course mit cam.
course, mer warn all tswea hoot g'satistied
das de ally hit, anyhow uf nieiucr side,
completely uf gevva, un das se nimmy uf
de match insista wterra. We kb derheam
aw kumma bin hut der alt inonn graved
g'sawt ich set du we ich vet, aver yusht
tun oily willa set ich nix mit der Polly tsu
du hawa, for se is eam mea we an shtick
fee fore kumnut das we mulch ebbas
sunsht.
De Polly is yetz aw shun long Wheiert,
un so feel das ich wens chit se ohna hund,
un used kea chawduwack odder brandy,
un nix fun der ort. trn ich, of souse, bin
lINV all right mit der 13evvy—sidder ich
nix Inca sauf un aw ninnny korta shpeel
odder 'Klima pitch dort ons Kitzelderfin.s.
PIT SCIIIVEFFLEMIENNIM
OLLERLEA.
—IV° is wiser krisht kindle?
—Leas de advertisments im FATHER
ABRAHAM.
--Es sin 35,000 factory nutal in Law
rence, Massachusetts.
—Es sin ivver 20,000 deeb un pick
pockets in New York.
—Shooting matches un railings sin 01l
der go in 'Jerks county. •
—Der Sultan fun Turkey hut 900 weiver.
Seller monn is tsu bedauera.
—ln Paris sin olleweil 30 establishments
wo Sc gcils-tleash ferkawfa.
—Der Brigham Young but an neier
crop fun 33 decider des yobr—oll fit for
heira.
—Es nenunt yetz yusht 10 dog for goods
shicka by Express, fitn Chicago noch San
Francisco.
—Unser kinner derheam sin yusht
about orris of brod-wtersht un buch
weatsa kueha.
—We konn mer an gaul cum fum shlob
bera ? Mer gebt earn a shpitting-box un
lust eau ni shpowa.
—An ormer monn in St. Louis will an
divorce fun siner fraw weil se earn als de
kleany kinner on der kop shmeist.
—Rup doch say hohr ous em kase—
mer mus sich yo warhoftich shemma for
denna fremmy leit wu doh om dish sin;
—Wann an fremder hued si kup fesht
krickt unner a fence, dorm gobsht besser
goot acht uf di finger wane du can loss
machsht.
—We kummts das de fashionable weibs
leit so lougy dresses drawya ? Weil se
sellerweg eara dreckiche un ferisseny
shtrip fershteckla kenna.
—Wann enrich ebber an gaosser fetter
welsh-hawna uf hond hut, un weas net was
mit tsu du, dorm mog er can in de Fob
' DER ABRAHAM Office brillga.
—Der lion. John Cessna, hut der FA
THER AMIAIIAM b , sueht om letshts
Diushdog. Er is der 'lei Republimn Con
gressman furl Bedford District.
—Easier Edward Fagan tut an Locomo
tive sin wedder nonuer,,, , eshprunga 0111
letshta Fridog, in Pennsylvania Avenue,
Philadelphia. De Locomotive is derftt
kumma ohna damage, awer der Fagan hut
si leawa ferlora.
ffialacted.
THE ORPHAN'S CHRISTMAS-EVE.
BY MARY A. DENISON
It had been snowing heavily all day,
and toward night had cleared oil; and now
a keen, bitter wind was blowing, That cut
to the very bone. It was so cold, indeed,
that but few persons were in the streets,
although it was Christmas-eve, Usually,
at this hour, on the night before the great
holiday, the pavemonts were crowded
with, people: happy children going, hand
in -hand, with their parents, to buy toys;
gay lookers-on; maskers in grotesque
garments; and boys blowing horns; every
thing and everybody jubilant with joy and
merriment. But now the etreets were al
most deserted, Ibr the snow lay a foot
deep. In vain the shop-windows blazed
with gas and exhibited their very choicest
stores. here and there a newsboy, stoop
ing to thee the blast, cried the evening
papers, and now and then a solitary cab
drove almost noiselessly through the white
streets. The gale roared through the trees
of the public square, and the icicles rattled
down from the eaves. It was as desolate
a winter's night as you ever saw.
Suddenly, a bare-tooted little girl, thinly
clad, and shivering with cold, turned a
corner, and came Ilice to face with one of
the most brilliantly-lighted toy-shops in
that quarter of the town. She had evi
dently been abroad to gather fuel for
scanty. fire, for she carried an old, toil
basket on her arm, in which were chips
and other bits of refuse wood, which had
been picked up everywhere and anywhere.
At sight of the dazzling window and of
the glories it revealed, the poor little thing
stopped. Her eyes sparkled with joy.
Her breath came short. For a moment
she forgot the want and misery at home—
the tireless room, the empty cupboard, the
sick mother—and could think of nothing
but the lovely things the window contain
ed. Oh! that doll, that glorious, gorgeous
creature; the spangled dresses that seemed
covered with diamonds; the funny, funny
masks. She had never had a Christmas
tree herself, but she had heard of such
things, and she gasped, breathlessly,
gazing at the doll.
♦here will it go, I wonder? To some
one who lives in a beautiful house, I ex
pect, and has everything she wants, even
to pies and turkeys for Christmas," she
added, in a longing little voice. Oh
dear! • '
That sigh reached the ear of a tall, dark
man who was passing, leaning upon the
arni of another gentleman. lie looked
down, at first with wonder, and then with
pity, upon the sweet face and eyes; upon
the little red hands that were grasping the
basket; the poor, little hands that should
have been white and dimpled; upon the
chips with snow melting about their edges;
upon the cleanly though thin garments;
upon the bare feet; and then again into
the deep, wistful eyes.
What a pretty child!'' he thought.
" Poor little thing!" And he asked, stop
ping, his voice softened to tenderness,
What is your name, little one?"
The child, roused from her absorbtion.
looked up, startled, but seeing a kindly
face, she answa red, dropping a courtesy:
"Lucy, sir!"
Lucy! It was the name of his only
sister, whom he had not seen for many a
long year; not since he had gone away,
after the death of their parents, and the
sale of the old homestead up in New Eng
land, determined to make his way in the
world. What a train of memories it called
up! lie thought of the happy old days,
and of sweet lletty Moss, and then of the
utter despair that followed, when his
father died a bankrupt, and his mother
followed of a broken heart, and some far
away relatives came and took his sister
out of charity, and old.1:10t: Moss shut
his doors against him. shame aimi„ ,
anguish of it all returned on him as sharp
ly as when he had first felt it, a lad of
twenty; but back also came the memo
of his sister, and he almost persuadtdi
himself; for a moment, that the child be.
fore him looked like his "little Lucy" had
looked at her age. There was a tremor
of expectation in his voice, as ho said:
" Lucy what, dear?"
" Lucy Pettigrew."
Ah! it was a name he had never heard.
1 Rut, remembering that his sister's child
wouki not bear her mother's maiden name,
he asked again:
" And haveyou always lived here?"
" Always. As long as I can remember.
Father was a soldier, you know, and was
killed in the war. Now there is nobody
but mother and me."
Ile looked again at the child. The
fancied resemblance to his sister had faded.
ot - It Clll UST.M.A.S PICTUItf:!
THE WHITE HOUSE SANTA CLAUS. A RACE FOR THE "GOOD THINGS!"
The " little Luey " of long ago had blue
eyes and flaxen hair: both hair and eyes
here were brown.
There was an end of the dream, then!
Ile gave a sigh at the thought. But he
put his hand in his pocket, took out a
greenback and offered it to the child
saying:
"Don't you want some toys, my dear?''
The child looked down. * Her thee was
very red. Suddenly she seemed to take a
resolution—she looked up and said:
"Oh, sir! it's five dollars! It would buy
mamma everything. She is sick, you
know, and I ought to be home this minute;
it was so wrong of me to stop here. It'
you please, sir; I'd much rather spend it
for her," she said, rapidly and incoher
ently.
"So you shall, dear! Hurry home now,
at any rate ; but first tell me where you
live?"
"We live in Carpenter street, No. VI.
And I may keep the five dollars, may I?"
"Certainly. You shall have a doll, too.
I will bring it myself, to-morrow--"
"Oh ! will you, sir?" she interrupted,
her eyes dancing.
With these words, she , :ithered her thin
shawl about her and hurried away.
The gentleman, who had carried on this
eon versation with Lucy. took the arm of
his companion again, and said:
" How all this brings back the past to
me! You have often heard me speak of
Betty Moss. I suppose she is dead long
ago," he added, with a sigh. " or married,
which, for me, is worse. But at sixteen
she was the loveliest creature I have ever
seen. I never shall forget the day, after
my father and mother had been buried,
that I went to see her. intending, even
then, to go away and try my fortune, but,
expecting that she would bid me God
speed, and that her father, who had al
ways been kind to me, would do the same.
Ah, Charley! we must all, sooner or later,
learn hard lessons; and I learned my first
cruel one that afternoon. The old man
met me himself. Well, I won't dwell on
it. Ile declined to let me see Betty; call
ed me a beggar's brat; worse, the child
of a bankrupt,' and bade me begone. Ever
since then 1 have had less faith in humeri
nature."
" No, you haven't," answered his friend,
bluntly. " You think you have. But, old
fellow, you are too good to talk such non
sense, and, please God! you'll he happy
yet, though not with I letty."
" My first task, now that I am rich, and
home at last," answered the other, will
be to get on the traces, if I can, of poor
Lucy. After I left America, I continued
to write for years, but never getting any
answer, I finally gave it up. Christmas
once over, I shall start for the old-home
stead; but I fear all clue to her is lost."
Meantime, Lucy was hurrying home,
feeling herself a new being. In spite of
the snow, her bare feet, her cold, numb
fingers, we question if there was a hap
pier child in the city.
See, mother! oh, see!" she cried, when
she got home, with a great sob of happi
ness, we shall have some Christmas, after
all; a gentleman gave it me, and said it
was five dollars. Oh, mother! mother!
I'm so happy! five whole dollars to spend
for Christmas! Why, I never heard of
such a thing," and her face fairly glowed.
" Isn't it a—a miracle, mamma?"
" My dear child, it seems like one!" said
her mother 2 holding out her wasted hand,
and regarding the money.
The sad, sweet face lighted up with a
glow of thankfulness as she listened to the
little narrative.
" Oh, my darling!" she cried, "it was
sent for shoes and stockings for your poor
feet. I cried. to see you go out into the
snow to-day; and I pawed an agony to the
dear Lord to help us; and this is the
answer."
" But I don't want the shoes, mamma,
I want Christmas," said Lucy, with a dis
appointed face. "He
_told me to go
is and
buy toys. We never did have a c
and I wanted to see how it seems"
Very soon there was a loud knock at
the door; and Adult was opened, in came
two stoat men With an enormous basket
between them, and put it down; and there
it sat looking up into the widow's face,
with great, round eyes of potatoes and
squashes, and bulging packages that told
of igeaty.
Wk istbis for?" asked Luey Is mother,
quite pale.
"It's for a widow by the name of Pet
tigrew."
"But who sent it?"
"I don't know who sent It—it's paid
for, that's all I care about."
The door shut, the men had vanished.
"Oh, mother ! we're dreaming—just as
sure as you live we're dreaming !" cried
the deligh ted ehild, dancing about the
basket. "Why, there's everything there;
why, the Lord keeps working miracles,
don't he ?"
"Call lletty Moss, child," said her
mother, sinking back in her chair, quite
! overcome; and presently Hefty came in, a
staid, sweet looking woman, not over
thirty, with soft, dewy blue eyes, and lips
that always looked smiling.
" Why, Lucy, you've been your mother's
good angel to-day," said Iletty, stooping
• over the basket and lifting the packages.
Sure enough, here's Christmas for you • "
and she took an enormous turkey from die
basket.
There wa , : another knock at the door
and a tall man entered, and stood there
on the threshold. The sick woman look
ed up. and a great cry, the cry of uncon
trolled joy, rang through the room.
" Robert ! Robert !"
The man was on his knees beside his
sister, his arms about her, kissing her eyes.
her lips, her forehead.
Explanations came brokenly. In spite
of his first disappointment, something
kept telling the stranger that "little Lucy"
might, after all, be his sister's child. He
could not rest, therefore, until he had
conic to see. And Lucy told how she had
married, but her husband and she had al
ways been poor, and how her husband had
been killed at Antietam.
—There is my guardian angel," said the
tearful woman, at last, pointiug to Miss
Iletty; "you may thank her th:11 I am
yet alive '
For the first time, now, the stranger
saw there was another woman in the room.
There was silence for the space of a mo
ment. Miss Iletty Moss looked him
straight in the eye, her color flitting and
returning,the breath comingquick through
her parted lips._
"It is you, Hetty--but yon do not re
member me," lie said, hesitatingly, yet
appealingly.
Yes, I do, Robert." came with quick
gasp. "Oh, Robert''' and as he rushed
forward, her hands were in his. her head
upon his shoulder.
Then came Iletty Moss' story. She
had always been faithful to her love. Herfather,
father, after some years, had (lied insol
vent. Hetty, after his death, left the vil
lage where she had been born, and had
come to the great city in search of em
ployment. Here, by one of those inscru
table decrees of Providence that the ig
norant call chance, she had come across
Robert's sister, now a widow, and almost
penniless. They had thrown in their lot
together. Hetty had skill with her needle,
besides sonic taste in dress, and had set
up, in an humble way, as a dressmaker.
Sometimes she went out by day's work,
and sometimes labored at home. In these
latter cases, Mrs. Pettigrew helped her
with her needle. But, latterly, the times
lmd been hard, work was scarce, and
both had been near to starving. On the
Christmas-eve, when little Lucy went out
to see if she could gather a few sticks
or chips, they had not a dollar between
them.
" I have more money than I know what
to do with,'' said the newly-found brother.
" You shall never, Lucy, dear, know want
again."
Need we tell the sequel ? How there
was a grand dinner in one of the most
elegant private parlors of the Continental
Hotel the next day;. and how Iletty be
came a bride a'week or two after; or how
little Lucy never knew again the pangs of
poverty,_ or the longing for a Christmas
doll !—Peterson's Magazine.
BEI:CHEM BOYHOOD.
Henry Ward Beecher tells, in the
Ledger ? that when he was a youngster of
nine winters, be had a long checked apron
put on him, and was sent to do the house
work—" to set the table, to wait on during
meals, to clear off the things, shake and
fold the table cloth, wash the dishes,
scour the knives and forks, sweep up the
carpet, dust the chairs and inrniture," etc.
"To these tasks," says he, " I soon added
the hemming of towels and napkins, and
of coarse fabrications—bags, ticks and
such like. During this period I also con
tinued my stable work." Mr. Beecher
avers that the knowledge obtained in this
way has been of incalculable value to him
all his life; and he thinks that men should
be made acquainted with such things in
these days, when women are emerging
from the household, and learning trades,
professions and arts. Would it not be
well for mothers generally to train up
their boys much as Mr. Beecher's mother
trained hers?
A cr.rnorstior had just united in mar
riage a couple whose christian names were
Benjamin and Ann. "How did they appear
during the ceremony?" inquired a friend.
" They. appeared both animated and bene
fited," was the ready reply.
Our fittle #okto.
—How to get the real complexion of
some ladies—take a little soap and water.
--," To what sect or fraternity do you
think I belong?" asked a contemptible fop
of a lady. "To the in-sect fraternity,"
was the reply.
—St. Paul, Minnesota, has had the
"White Fawn," which the papers de
scribe as performed by girls " barefooted
up to the neck."
—"I tell you what, sir," said a Yankee
of his opponent, `• that man don't amount.
to a sum in arithmetic; add him up, and
there's nothing to carry."
--LA Yankee wishing for some sauce for
his dumplings, forgot the name of it, and
said: "Here, .waiter, fetch me some of
that gravy that you swallow your dump
lings in."
—"Remember who you are talking to,
sir," said an indignant parent to a frac
tious boy, "I am your father, sir." "Well,
who's to blame for that ?" said fhe young
impertinence; "taint me."
—"I say, Pat," said a Yankee to an
Irishman, who was digging in his garden,
"are you digging out a hole in that onion
bed ?" " No," says Pat, "I am digging
out the earth and leaving the hole."
—PurF.—An advertising tallow chand
ler modestly says that, "without intend
ing any disparagement to the sun, he may
confidentially assert that his octagonal
spermaceti are the best lights ever in
vented."
—A young author, reading a tragedy,
perceived his auditor very often pull off
his hat at the end of a line, and asked him
the reason. " I cannot pass an old ac
quaintance," replied the critic, "without
that civility."
—A "girl of the period" comments thus
upon Mormonism: "How absurd—four
or five wives for one man, when the fact
is, each woman in these times ought to
have four or five husbands. It would take
about that number to support me de
cently."
—A good story is told of a boot-black
whose energies were taxed by the huge
shoes of a private just returned from the
war. The little fellow, kneeling down,
looked over his shoulder to a comrade, and
exclaimed : " Lend me a spit, Jim; I've
got an army contract !"
—" You say that you know a horse from
a jackass when you see them ?" asked a
counsel of a rather dull looking witness.
"Oh, ye-as justso," drawled out the in
tended victim gazing intently at his legal
I
tormentor, " knows the difference, and
I'd never take you for a horse."
—The following advertisement appeared
in a Texas paper : "If the person who
took it (it is concluded by mistake) the
white water-proof coat belonging to Cap
tain Johnson, will apply to the barracks,
lie can have the peg it used to hang upon,
as it is of no further use to the owner."
—A correspondent sends us the follow
ing as very valuable recipes: "7b Cum
Cora,—Hub them over with toasted cheese,
and let your lbet hang out of bed a night
or two, that the mice may nibble them.
If the mice do their duty, the cure will be
effectual. M fJ(t rid if a felon—liang
him by the neck one hour."
—Judge ----, when first admitted to
the bar, was a very blundering speaker.
On one occasion, when he was trying a
case of replevin, involving the right of
property in a lot of hogs, he said: "Gen
tlemen of the jury—There were just 24
hogs in that drove; just 24, gentlemen,
e.rartly twire a., mita!, as there «a i» that
jt(ell
—A feller in Decatur, Illinois, the other
day thought he hail found a long piece of
dress goods upon the pavement. Ile
picked up one end of it and commenced
wrapping it around his arm, when on
looking around the corner he discovered a
lady at the other end quietly talking to a
friend. He suddenly dropped his prize
and started off.
---" Now do you like the looks of the
varmint ?" asked an Arkansan of a down
easter, who was gazing with distended
eyes at an alligator with open jaws on the
banks of the Mississippi. " Waal," re
sponded the Yankee, recovering his men
tal equipose, "he ain't what you'd call a
handsome critter, but lie's a deal of open
ness when he smiles."
—How should a young lady net when
first courted ? A few hints may be useful.
She should be smiling, of course. Court
ship is made up very largely of sunshine.
She should say sweet and comely things.
She should now and then tint her cheeks
with a just recognizable blush. (No doubt
there will be occasion.) She should . ask
John Augustus if he doesn't dote on Ten
nyson, if he couldn't cline (that is, refresh)
ou Longfellow, and if he does not write
lines for the Weekly Glamour. She should
give her shower of curls an occasional
shake, and let her 2} slipper creep out a
bit beyond the shrouding skirt. She
should recollect that there is some nice
cake in the dining-room closet, and some
of that choice Angelica not gone. Hav
ing drank pretty much all of it, (two
thirds of bottle,) John Augustus should
take the offensive, his coat and hat, and
go home.
—A CAUTIOUS WITNESS.-A farmer
was called as a witness to prove the bad
character of Enoch Jones, who had for
'inerly been his near neighbor. Counsel
asked:
" Well, what do you know of Jones, the
plaintiff ?"
Farmer—"l can't say that I know much
about him."
"Does ho bear a good char-
Lawyer—
titter ?"
Farmer—" We didn't like him any too
well in our neighborhood."
Lawyer—" We don't suppose you did;
but would you trust him or believe him
under oath I,
Farmer—" He might tell the truth if it
was foi his interest'?
"Do you think him an honest
Lawyer—
man ?"
Farmer—" I never gave him a chance
to steal anything from inc."
Lawyer—" But do you think he would
steal if he had an opportunity ? 1,
Farmer—" Well, I can't say, positive:
but I should rather not try him.'
Lawyer—" Perhaps not; but am I to
understand that you have such a poor
opinion of Jones' honesty, that you would
be afraid to leave anything where he
could steal it, if he were so inclined P"
"No, I shouldn't be afraid to, if I
watched it."