lannogivanisch !Mock.
BREED' FIIIII tieRWRIFFLEBBIONER.
SCIILIFFLETOW
I)ecewber 15, 1868. I
MISTER FODDER. AIM Alum.: De Bevvy
will's :met doch now net recht shtanda
das ich der altos shreib fun weaya we mer
olsg'shparrickt hen in unser yungy dawya,
for se meant sell vrter doch sheer tan orrig.
sogt se gebt nix drum wann ich all de
particulars gel) we's als ham gongs is on
de lodwarriek frolics, on de quilting par
ties, om shlitta fawra tin on de baddolya's,
nu awer wann's amohl ons regular kor
riseera geat, sell, secht se, set mer doch
net in de Tseitung du, anyhow net in der
FODDER ABRAHAM. Doch will ich sawya,
un sell kon ich du ohne 'in de particulars
tsu gea, tins es ordlich feel korrisseeras
g'numma hut eb ich de Bevvy g'heiert
bob. Ivver twsea yohr is es gongs bis ich
se krickt hob, un mea das eamold het ich
se ufgevva warm des korrisseera net so
iver ous awgeueam g'west wrier. Ich konu
der sawya, so long das mer a chance shteat
bi ma sheana tin ivver one ehmarta yunga
meadle, so we de Bevvy eany war, un wann
mer als oily Soinshdog owat hut kenna
onna gea un mitnonner uf cm grossa
shuckle shtool hueka, odder uf der holtz
kisht, hinnich em uffa, dort in der Kich,
wann ale de olty lcit ous em weg wars,
done hut mer kea ursach tsu klawya. Un
ich considder mich aw an orrig glicklicher
morm das ich de Bevvy krickt hob for my
fraw.
lifer Inert feel, heitich's dogs, fun weaya
we de aired so orrig shlecht ous macha
wanns one heira geat. Kea wunner. So
lured we de Bevvy eany war, huts alloweil
net feel. De menner, anyhow de fershten
cliche, sin aw awfongs orrig shlow wanns
ons flaw sucha gent, un met das caner
will dent heira gor net traua, utt blelbt an
bachelor, un, uf course, uf an average lbr
an yeatkr bachelor inns aw an old maid
leddich tin we kummts das fersh
tendiche mounsleit donna yungy !wed
nimmy rccht tmua? Sell konn ich eich
snwya. Es is well se awfongs tsu hoch
meedich sin tsu shalt. Fun house-holta
wissa se nix. Onshtatt das se hiltlich sin
tsu ears mentor , duns se olles was se kenna
for se so a wntin halta we luerricha mice.
Eara shtvlc for lea wa kosht meaner des an
commoner moan ferdeena konn. De yungy
weiver wn olleweil ons hous-holta gean, de
meana se missa uf amohl gross acta, un e 8
net ea moan ous a dutzend liter sell
•lttanda konn.
Now, want' yusht de yungy mied, odder
rata cafeltiche unhochmeediche mommy's
fershtond genunk hetta tsu wissa das an
really lady aw wises set we mer shafrt
so rerwat we g'shrerr wesha, broil bocka,
krumbeera un fleash kocha, better macha,
lats,a flicks, k'nep aw.neaya un windla
wesha. un das oily fershtendiche monns
aw of seller menung sin, dorm bin ich
Loot derforc das der yetzicha shtoek yungy
weiver ordlich feel besser ous macha death,
wanus ons meaner Conga gent. Tsu hOell
meetich, odder tsu mitleidich duntm tsu si
for shofilt herna, mog ferleicht de wench
kcppiche dandies seta--de wu seiwer net
fershtond genunk hen ous tsu holta bis es
morya essa fiertich is, un awer fershten
cliche menner ktumna for common tsu der
conclusion das waun se nix bessers kreya
kenna das yusht so ormy, ferdorweny tut
holb-gewaekseny doll-bubba, de nix du
henna das geld shpenda un flishions noel'
gea—leewer des soddiehe tsu heira bleiwa
se leddich--uf der light fun independenty
bachelors.
Now kaunsht shun deuka was my opinion
is fun weaya de weibs lcit. Das ich glick
lick war eany tsu kreya das aw
an shnutrty house-fraw is—eany das shoflii
konn, un bisness transacta, weas yetz
yeadcr monn im lond. Un yetz will ich
aw du was ich fershprocha hob—de
p - shicht shreiva we mers gonga is bis ich
se krickt hob. Ich hob net im sin der sawya
fun weaya unserm shtylc for korrissera
—for sell geat alleweil nemond nix aw,
awer was for ups un downs ich g'hot hob
Cl) ich g'heiert hob. Un now mus ich aw
amohl my alter dawdy tsum public intro
dusa. We er noch geleabt hut, un we ich
awfonga hob der )Jevvy als noch tsu lawfa,
war der oh monn gout hob—anyhow about
sivva dousend dallier wart, un er hut uft
derfu g'shwettt we si drei kinner—ich un
der Joe un de Betz—so an guter shtart
kreva wenn ter anaohl ahtterbt. aEr war
w cans fun denna leit wu for common si
eayener weg harm but wella in oily sacha,.
un for mammal er als all right. Awer
we er ous g'fuuna hut this ich der Bevvy
Dingrich (sell war der Bevvy.earit nawma
we se leddich war) smelt get', uu this ich
geutuik fun earn gexlettlit Lab fur se lOU
heira, donn hut er Bich ttunernumuut tsu
interfera. De fact is, er luttt tobsolut
match macha wella for mich das mich gor
net g'suit het. De Polly Ilochbay hut er
als behawpt dent mich feel besser suta for
fraw, un awer ich hobs net sellerweg eisen
kenna, for, somehow, icli bob nix um se
gevva, un se nix um mich. Doch, mug
ich sawya, de Polly war aw an ordlich
shmarts un fershtendliches meadle—yusht
de Bevvy hob ich besser geglicha.
Well, des ding war gout, amohl ea dog,
we ich under alt mom olleanich derheam
in der slitoob warn, hut er amohl aw'fonga
fum heira, un hut white wella we ich
b', , unna bin derweaya, un donn hob ich
eam g'sawt das ich a notion bob for de
Bev vv.
"So-so," secht er, " doh bight tsu der
conclusion lumina :wily Berry Dingrich
tsu heirs."
Well, yah," sog ieh, ich bin.”
"Mt sogsht du now das du shun en
gaged binht tau extra
Well, Ilea, net exactly," bob ich
g'sawt.
"Du husht se awer doch shun glfroked
—husht now net?"
“ Well, yali,” hob ich g'sawt, " ich hob
se g'froked!"
" Uf course, dunn husht di mind fullens
of gemacht se tau heira," Becht er.
" Well, yah," hab ich g'sawt, "be sure
bob ieh, des is, wann se mich nemmt."
" Very well," Becht der alt monn.
"Now weas ich we du deim alts dawdy
folksht. Dort is de Polly Ilochbay, cans
fun de feinshty uu shmartshty meed in der
nochbershaft, un hut aw geld, un lond, un
is hoch aw wsca, un selly husht im sin
shlippa lussa fora mawd de nix hut except
was se fordt*nt bi der woch, nn eb se en
nich ebbas nutz is weas mer anyhow aw
net"—
" Kumm, now, dawdy, do Bevvy is a
shmarts meadle," hob ich g'sawt.
"Du nineht mich net dawdy heasa,"
secht er, " for mind, wann du dusht was
du im Aims husht, dopu yusht clear out,
for mit so ma Bohn will ich nix mea tsu du
hawa."
Now, sell war ordlich tuft; un ich bin
donn aw tsum house nous, un amohl ivver
des ding coasidered, uu geplawn'd eb ich
net ferleicht der alt 'noun a wenuich paci
fya kenut.
Now, es is aw noel' ebbas g'happened
das mer ols noel' mea druvvel, gemacht
hut, for seller very dog hut de Bevvy ous
g'funna das der alt worm so orrig down
of se war un se hut mer grawd a breefly
g'shrivva das weil es so is dent ich besser
nimmy kununa, for helm geaya de alty
leit earn willa wter ferleicht net orrig aw
geneam.
De negsht woe!' will ieh der shreiva we
telt ahead fum alto mono bin kumma—uf
was for en koryoscr weg das er ufgevva
hut missa, un nicer my eagener weg gelust
•in favor fun der Bevvy.
PIT SUIIW EFFLEHRENNER
OLLEBLEA.
—olleweil wier's wedder about gout for
Elbetritchis, tuna.
—Es sin alleweil 130 prisoners in der
Allegheny County Jail.
—Mommy, was tseit is es? Ei cs is
tseit das tin ins bet geasht.
--Der State Michigan hut olleweil ca
million dallier in der Treasury.
—An boot-black in New York hut $6,000
of interest in der Savings Bank.
—Waun der kea meal im house hend for
prod tsu boeka, noun bock'd kueha.
--De Elizabeth Fisher is arrest warra
in Allentown for earn kind Boat main.
—Dcr Brick Pomeroy sawya se, is an
orrig gout, guckicher moon mit longy ohra.
—Eaner George W. Cook, an mail rob
ber, is g'seutenced in de Richmond Peni
tentiary for tsean yohr.
—Ue Judges un Commissioners fun
Berks county hen decide noch an shtick
on earn Court House tsu baua.
--Sour-krout un shpeek, sell macht de
alty wciver reit. Sell rehnd net yusht so
orris rhea, aver es is doch wohr.
—Se sawya es si a monn in Beading (her
sich noch druf b'sinna konn we all silver
ncr holwer dahler guckt.
—l)er 'noun wu for common si eayene
bisness meihd war gesliter in der shtadt un
hut subscribed for derFaniEn AtmAns.m.
-7-ler monn wu der FATHER ABRA
HAM net least hut net fershtond genunk
on der nflh, tsu gea wanner oni fertreera
—Der Pit sogt de Grecian Bend guckt
yusht exactly we so an longy squash noch
dem das a dunner wedder ni g'shlawya
hut. •
—Wann aiuohl an 'noun fershtoud ge
nunk hut hi maul tsu holta wanner ulx
tsu hawya hut down is er an ordlcih fer
shtendieher monn.
—An kronkheit is ousegeNocha unnich
em rindsfee, in Polk counit, Indiana.
About a hunnert un fuftsich mot un kee
sin forrcckt in caner woch.
—An velocipede is an neie invention—
an fiver-weasit mit tswea redder wu fun
selwer shpringt won a mon skit krotlich
druf huckt un shat de redder mit seina
fees.
—Der Pit Schwefflebrenner is a kondi
dawt for Posht Meashter fun Schliflletown
—net Posht Meashter General, for sell
will er net weil de Bevvy es net dut das se
nosh Washington gent.
—An Yankee hut an racier weg ous
"lunna for oyer ous breca. :tier dut de
oyer in a barrel fass bis es foil is uu donn
huckt tiler de kluck ufs shpunda loch, tin
sell breed se all ous of
—Dc "Pit Schwedlebrenner" campaign
brt*fa, im Pamphlet form, sin yetz her
tich uu ready for delivery. All de sub
scribers fum FATHER ABRAHAM de der
fulla subscription price on uns betzahlt
hen (01.5) for a yohr) sin entitled tsu ea
copy gratis, uu in a dog oder so kerma se
ousgucka derforc by mail. Der retail price
fuui buch is 25 cent. Address Rauch &
Cochran, Lancaster, Pa.
HON. WILIER WORTHINGTON,
c ikkettd.
NASBY.
Ir. Nasby has a Dream whieh does not
Comfort his Righteous Sod, bet which
on the other hand, gives him great an.
easiness.
CONFEDBIT-X ROADS,
Nov. 23, 1868. I
Last evenin I happened to pick up the
northern noospaperuf the Dinukratic per
suasion wich comes to this orris yo Deekin
Pogr. am into wich wus an article onto
" The fucher ov Democrisy." The able
and dignified writer took the posishen that
the only hope of the Desnoeresy was in
lettin the dead past bury its dead—in sin
kin all Ibe ishoos uv the past ten years—
in acknowledgin the sitoosishen, and ac
ceptin the results HY the war; in sinkin
out uv site the old leaders, and puttin such
men ez QHASE, SEWARD, JOHN QUINCY
ADAMS, JR., EVARTS, ROORCRANTS, etc.,
to the front, and thus heyla infoosed new
life and new blood into the organizashen
it mite go on conkerin and to conker.
The article waz a column and a half in
length, and its. a weakuis uv mine, that I
can't read more than a column without
going to sleep. Therefore at the eend uv
the column the paper dropt frees my hand,
and I dropt off into a gentle slumber in
asy ehair mad dreamed a dream.
In' lesibre , nta lay tbm bogy my
a man uv gigantic frame wich Wiz
breathin his last. He had bin a powerful
yooth in his day, and hedn't the appear.
ance uv boin very old in years, tho his hair
wuz gray, his cheeks sunken, and his form
fritefully emaciatid. His age wuz evident
ly the effect uv dissiwhen more than uv
years—wikkidnis hed did its perfeck work
on him, and it wuz plane that he wuz a
goner.
Around him stood all sorts uv people.
There was VALLANDIGHAM, the M....sins,
HovFmAN, the WOODSES, 'VOORHEES,
HAMPTON MORRIMET, Mrs. Cons, Mrs.
PERRY, ( between these two A. JouNsoN)
and many more uv that stripe, who ap
peared to be indeavorin to resussitate the
neerly defunct individvooal.
"Who is this ruther bustid patriark ?
asked I uv one who appeared to be a chief
mourner.
" That's Dimoerisy," answered he, "he
hez fought his last fite, he hez fought his
last battle, uo gong kin awake him to glory
agiu. He's a gone sucker."
At this pint the operators on the unfor
tunit suffrer, gave up in despare. .
" I kin do nothin," sed SEYMOUR "that
last exershun wuz his last. I shall hie
me to my farm."
" I knowd it wuz uselis," sed VALL AN
DIGUAM, "I shel leave Ohio and go to
Noo York, for anybody kin git to Con
gress from that city."
"I kin do no more," sed VOORHEES,
" I shel quit politics and go to operatin in
Erie stocks !"
" Erie stocks," remarkt Mrs. PERRY,
with horror in her classic cout►tenance,
"thank the Lord, I'm not so low ez that."
At this pint a lot uv hungry lookin
cusses, not so prominent ez thew others,
demandid that the pashent Kaput into
new hands for treatment, and Jo wunst
they called out for CHASE, SEWARD, Et - -
ARTS, ROSECRANCE, and JOHN QUINCY
ADAMS, Jr., who Kevin no other place to
stay wuz a hangin on the out skirts uv the
crowd. Promptly they examined the dyin
cuss and proceeded to apply the remedies.
" This Is one thing that's
sed CHASE, cauterizin a hidjus ulcer mark
ed "slavery."
"This must come off," sed EvAlas,
whippin out a knife, and takin off a foul
an - Lenin tumor, labelled "States rites."
"And I'll never consedt to be seen with
him of this is allowed to remain," sed
ROSECRANCE, slashin out a cancer marked
"Secession.”
"And this must come oil of I hey any
thing to do with him," sed JOHN QUINCY
ADAMS, JOONYER, jerkin off a most fear
ful tumor, marked "Repoodeashen."
And so they went on, one after anoth
er—one pulling off this thing and another
that; this one burnin out sore, and
another that, till they lied p eed it to the
bones. When they lied got the diseased
parts off ther wuz nothin left but the skele
ton. It wuz a very genteel skeleton, ez
clean uv flesh ez though it hed bin dis
sected by an enthoosiastic class uv medi
kle students.
They then commenced buiklin uv it sp.
CHASE put on Ekal Rites muscle; EV
ART'S stuffill Nashnel credit in the hole
Repoodiashen lied made, ROSECRANS Stif
fened its back with loyalty—they fumigat
ed it, breathed into its nostrils, and wrap
pin it in the Star-Spangled banner, histed
it to his feet. It wuz rather shaky on its
pins but it breathed free, and wuz alto.
gether a more promisin and presentable
bein than it hed bin for years.
We were all rejoist,. and yet we wuzn't
so well pleased, after all. He wuz gittin
~, ~
Nester of the Senate of Pessaylvailia.
stronger and stronger, but his appearance
wuz a changin so that we didn't know
him. There wuz a color cum to his cheeks,
he lost his brootal look, he stept free, and
he gave evidences uv life and strength that
wuz wonderful.
"Thank the Lord," sed the BLAIRS,
" he's strong_ enough to be ridden aginll9
"Please Heaven!" sed VALI ANDING
HAM, "my troubles is o'er, for there's
strength in Dimocrisy."
"Let's mount," sed they in kerns, and
forthwith MONTGOMERY BLADE crept up
onto his thighs, with the whole Amin, on
his shoulders,
each one uv wich twisted
his legs about him with a dr o p. The
newly-rejoovenated giant s under
this, but didn't fall. Mayor wawa and
his Louisiana crowd vaulted onto his
shoulders, the WOODSEB and HOFFMAN
and VALLANDIGHAM and Vomitus and
BRLTE, and a thousand more uv the same
style and each loaded with his record.
"For God's sake," cried CHASE, SEW
ARD, and ROSECILANCE, "for God's sake
get off. He aint strong enuft' to stand all
that." He can't carry the loads that we'd
nigh killed him—the diseases that posed
him up—any better now than he could
before. Git off—git off!"
" Git off!" sed a planter who lied got a
sekoor hold, "uv wat yoose is Dimoerisy
to me, onless I kin carry these?" pintin
to the niggers under his arm.
"Git off!" sed the BLAIRS, "ef Dimo
crisp cant carry us into t i
ishen wat do
re yant uv it ?' And grimed it ao
claire ezahisost to striusgle
"Git off!" sed the WOODSIni, " onless
we can ride it, uv wat use is Dimocrisy
to us?"
And they all declined gittin off emphati
cally.
" Very well," sed CHASE and his fronds,
in despair, " very well. We're done. But
look out."
Skarc wuz the words out uv their
mouths when the poor giant gasped, his
knees knocked together, his pins give out,
and he toppled over with a fearful crash,
pippin the load in one heterogenous mass.
At this pint I awoke.
I hed no trouble to interpret the dreem.
It's troo that Dimocrisy can't carry the
load that hez bin put onto it for yeers and
yeers, and it's also troo that we, the load,
don't care a tinker's cuss about Dimocrisy
onless it kin carry us. To make it strong
mud' to stand alone, we hey to take off uv
it all tiv its distinctive feechers and replace
em with ablishinism, and then uv wat
yoose is it to us ? When CHASE hed met
amorphosed it so that it cood stand, it
wuz ez near Ablishinism ez anything cood
be, and when all that wuz taken off, it
wuz perciselv ez weak ez ever. Uv wat
yoose is an Ablishinized Dimocraey to an
ex-slave holder who want's his niggers
agin ? Uv wat avail is a pure Dimocrisy
to the gentlemen who desire offish; in with
steelins is unlimited ? Sich a Dimocrisy
is Ablishinism—and we mite ez well go
over to it bodily, ez to remodel our party
on that idea. Ef we sink the old ishoos
and the old ideas uv the party, we sink
also us who advocated them ideas, and
made them ishoos; and of we keep fightin
it out on that line, wat is before us but
defeat ? Oh that I cood see a glimmer uv
lite ! Oh that muff uv our prominent
leaders wood die to let us, the smaller
ones, out from under their shudder The
fucher to me is dark and gloomy.
PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M.
(With is Postmaster.)
LYNCH LAW IN INDIANA.
LoutsvlLLE, Decl2, 1868 : A vigilance
committee, said to hail from Seymour, In
diana, arrived at New Albany at eleven
o'clock last night, and at three o'clock this
morning proceeded to the Floyd county
jail and demanded admission, which was
refused by the jailer, who was, however,
soon oVerpowered and bound. The mit.•
man was then compelled to open the cells
of the notorious express robbers—John,
Frank and Simon Reno, and Charles An
derson who were immediately seized
upon and all four of them hung. Frank
Reno fought desperately for his life. The
committee then returned on th 9 seven
o'clock train this morning. Two of the
robbers—Frank Reno and Charles Reno
--had but recently arrived front Canada,
where they had been tried under the ex
tradition laws.
How TO MAKE MONEY.—Do Some-
thing. There is rarely a necessity for a
well man to be out of work. "Nothing
to do "is a "pitiable " word. Referring
to certain persons who were in want, and
could find nothing to do, a friend of ours
recently remarked that if he could find
nothing else to do that would pay, he
would roll a barrel up and down the whole
length of Penn street, and to everybody
who asked why he did it, he would say:
"Give me a cent and I will tell you!"
Better that than nothing.
A lIIUGE I$lfLL t
Over 'Pro liesdrei Staitltts Taken
Midkal students, as well as every other
sort of students, are proverbial for practi
cal joking; but about the best joking we
ever heard of them in this line, occurred
in this city day before yesterday. The first
thing noticeable out of the usual routine
at the University on that morning, was a
large, handsome placard, posted in the
vestibule, and having at the bottom the
names of the well-known firm of J. P.
Morton & Co., the Main-st. book publish
ing house. The placard announced that,
in consideration of the fact that the stu
dents of the University had been liberal in
their purchases of said firm, it had decided
to present to each and every one of the
students, a copy of the " Physician's
Guide," a medical work of great merit.
The placard further announced that the
students would be expected to call during
the day and receive their presents. Of
course the praise of John P. Morton &
Co. was sounded all over the University,
and preparations were forthwith made by
all the students, individually and in squads,
to call on their generous friends on Maki
street. Now,John P. Morton & Co. all
this time rep osed in blissful ignorance of
what was going on at the University, and
were as innocent of the placard posted in
the vestibule as were D. Appleton & Co.,
pr any other book men. Quite early in the
day a squad of students were on Main-at.,
and in at Morton's. Their call for the
"Physician's Guide" was promptly re
sponded to, but when they told who they
were, and that they had understood they
were to get the book "on the dead," the
clerks looked at each other in amazement,
and didn't at all understand. In this emer
gency John P. Morton & Co. themselves
were called in to explain matters, but they
were equally astounded when the errand
of the students was made known. They
denied all knowledge of the placard, and
then the students, with unusually long
aces, looked at each other much as the
clerks had done. The whole truth soon
flashed upon them, however, and the
scent of "mice" being peculiari atiparent,
they apologized to J. P. M. Co., and
beat ait inglorious retreat. The sell was
too good, though, for them to divulge to
their fellow students, even had their pride
allowed them to acknowledge being p la ced
in so ridiculous a position by a practical
joke they had bitten at so readily. Again
and again was the first scene repeated in
the book-store, as, throughout the day, the
students poured in sometimes coming in
Numbs, sometimes by twos, and sometimes
singly, and sore enough they were when
they learned how they had been gulled.
The clerks grew very weary of the joke,
and of explaining the matter to their dis
appointed visitors. They were glad enough
when night came, and two hundred and
eight of the two hundred and ten students
in the University had been explained to.
The eiul of their discomfiture was not yet,
however. To oap the climax, late in the
evening, t a gawky-looking fe ll ow dropped
in, an d, moving doubtfully up to the coun
ter, spoke hesitatingly and not without
=
embarrassment: "I reckon all them
is go*, ain't they?" This was the
last call, and the two hundred and tenth
student not making his appearance, the
conclusion necessarily Ibllowed that he
was the wretch who ted the sell.
He„ is still at large.— uisvilk paper.
WIRT A COLORED MAN THINKS OF GEN
ERAL GRANT.
Rev. James Lynch, of the Methodist
Episcopal Church, madeaspeech at a larg,e
Republican meeting assembled at Yazoo
city, Miss „ November 14, to celebrate the
election of General Grant, and expressed,
among other things the following opinion:
"The joy manifested hy the colored people
of our State, in view of the election of Gen
eral Grant, is indescriable. It breaks forth
in singing and praying, as well as in con
stant conversation. The effect on the
whites, who were almost unanimous in
their support of Seymour, is marvellous.
Indeed, so far as they are concerned, the
election of Grant, was like the voice of the
Saviour saying, "Peace be still," changing
a raging, destructive storm to a gentle
calm. The hand of Divine Providence is
seen in the election of General Grant,
which is nothing more or less than that a
majority in this nation flings to the breeze
a sacred banner on which is inscribed,
"Equal rights for all men." Whether
General Grant shall lead the progressive,
elevated sentiment of the nation or not,
his election is a triumph, inasmuch as the
issue on which he was elected was civil
and political equality for the colored man,
all other issues in the canvass were but as
the rivers to the ocean. Bid Grant will
sustain the expectations of the friends of
human rights; not because of any special
sympathy for the colored race; not because
Radical leaders will control him, for the
man who made, in time of war, one of the
most important military movementaknown
to history against the advice of Generals
Sherman, Howard, .Logan and Thomas,
will not be trammelled by advisers in ad
ministering the again of government in
times of peace. Our fitith in Gen. Grant
comes from the inexorable logic by which
he is governed. His reasoning powers,
rising in the sub li mity of genius, control
his acts; and as he has taken for his basis
the Constitution of the United States, as
interpreted by the declaration of inde
pendence, he will work out, as far as it is
his duty, the legitimate result thereof.
General Grant will push forward in the
solution of what appears to be political
problems, just as the •mathematicitin does
in geometry, recognizing correct princi
ples, regardless of results. If Grant did
less than this, he would be the merest
pigmy that ever sat in the 'White House,
for in this lies the secret of his power that
has made him the wonder of the age. Ills
military career s ablaze with the triumph
of successive victories, sustains this view
of his character."
A USEFUL TABLE. —To aid farmers in
arriving at accuracy in estimating the
amount of land in ditk.rent fields under
cultivation, we give the following table:
8 yds. wide by 968 yds. long, contains 1 acre.
10 yds. wide by 484 yds. long. contains 1 acre.
20 yds. wide by 242 yde. long, contains 1 acre.
40 yds. wide by 121 yds. long, contains 1 acre.
80 yds. wide by 60% yds. long, contains 1 acre.
70 yds. wide by 703 yde. long, contains 1 acre.
220 ft. wide by 198 ft. long contains 1 acre.
440 ft. wide by 99 ft. long contains 1 acre.
110 ft. wide by 369 ft. long contains 1 acre.
60 ft.. wide by 726 ft. long contains 1 acre.
190 ft. wide by 873 ft. long contains 1 acre.
940 ft. wide by 181% ft. long contains I sere.
(014' gime taco.
—Why is a dishonest isilkrupt like an
honest poor man ? Because ‘lthfai/ to get
rich.
—Why is oak the worst wad of which
to make a wooden leg? Beeslse it pro
duces a—corn.
—The Kentucky giantess, Wu) weighed
812 pounds, was engaged to a Mr. Way
less when she'died.
—The rights of a woman : she can
not be captain of a ship, she fly always
command a smack.
—Goldsmith is BUpos._ to dui
t he e refer
red to the Grecian bend, whe wrote
" She stoops to conquer."
" Lottie," said a little visitor, " what
makes your kitty so cross?" " Oh, calls
she is cutting teeth, I 'spect."
—Diggory says he always respects old
age, except when some one cheats him
with a pair of tough chickens.
—" Why did Adam bite the apple 1" said
a schoolmaster .to a country lad. " Be
cause he had no kat% 1" said the urchin.
—Why is it important for a physician
to "keep his temper?" Because if he did
not he would be apt to " lose his patience."
—A colored girl, having a desire to be
in the fashion, recently inquired at one of
our stores for " three yards of Grecian
bend."
—A prisoner was examined in court,
and contradicted himself. " Why do you
lie so?" asked the judge. "Haven't you
a lawyer?"
—Cupid shoots with a rifle now, and
not with a bow and arrow. Else how is
it that girls can hear the popping of the
question?
—"Ma," said Fred, "I should rather
be a wild turkey, and live my life out on the
prairies, than be a tame turkey and be
killed every year."
—A small shaver, looking at a battle
picture, remarked, " If I was going to be
shot alive, I shoild want them to kill me
quick and let me go."
—A French newspaper, speaking of a
new cemetery opened near Lyons, says :
"M. (coigne was the first person who
had the pleasure of being in this delight
ful retreat l"
—A white boy met a colored lad, the
other day, and asked him what he had
such a short nose for. "1 'spects so it
won't poke itself into other people's busi
ness."
—A lady asked a minister if she might
not pay attention to dress and fashion
without being proud. "Madame," re
plied the minister " whenever you see the
tail of a fox out of a hole you may be sure
the fox is there also."
—Dr. Johnson was one day dining at
the house of a lady, when she asked him
if he did not thick her pudding 'good ?
"Yes," growled the great moralist; " it
is verygood for hogs." " Shall I help you
to another plateful, then?" asked the
polite hostess.
—A transcendental preacher took for
his text " Feed my tenths." A plain
limner very quaintly remarked to him, on
coming out of the church : " A very good
text, sir; but you should take care not to
put the hay so high in the rack that the
lambs can't reach it !"
—A little girl on hearing her mother
say that she intended to go to a ball ! and
have her dress trimmed with bugles, inno
cently inquired if the bugles would blow
while she danced. " Oh, no," said the
mother, your father will do that when
he discovers I have bought them.”
—" Wife, wife, what has become of the
grapes?" "I suppose, my dear, the hens
picked them off," was her modest reply.
Hens-- hens—some two-legged liens, I
guess," said her husband with some im
petuosity; to which she calmly replied,
"My dear. did von ever see any other
kind?"
—A woman in Raymond, .N. 11., who
was mindful of the old adage, that "it
takes a bushel of corn to fatten a hog's
tail," actually cut oft the tail of her hog
as a matter of economy. She was some
what surprised on going to the std• in a
couple of hours to find the hog ►lea I from
bleeding.
—A bright little boy was asked by a
lady if he studied hard at school. He re
plied that he did not hurt himself much at it.
"Oh," said the lady, "you must study
hard or you will never be President of the
United States." " Yes, ma'am," he
"but 1 don't expect to be; I'm a
Democrat."
--Wishes of ladies : First, a husband;
second, a fortune; third, a baby; fourth, a
trip to Europe; fifth, a better looking
dress than any. of her neighbors ; sixth,
to be well buttered with flattery; seventh,
to have nothing to do in particular; eighth,
to be handsome, which is sometimes com
mendable; since to ,be plain, or lees, is a
defect; ninth, to be thought wall of, Which
is also commendable, except it I* Om
those whose opinions we worthless; teeth,
to make a sensation; eleventh, to attpead
weddings; twelfth, to be always consid
ered under thirt '
[BY OCR SPECIAL AIATIST.]